My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Bounty Hunter - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As important as it is for me
to cross things off my list,



it's also important
to take time out to enjoy
the finer things in life,

like jumpin' a tiny motorcycle
over my brother's head.

I'm excited.
I'm gonna stick my tongue out
to see if he touches it.

But you gotta tell me what
it looks like 'cause I'm too
scared to keep my eyes open.

Earl, we got a problem.

- Ow.
- Jesse's back.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The Jesse Joy was talkin'
about was my ex-girlfriend.

She was also number 145
on my list.

I first met Jesse
at her workplace.

In business terms, I was what
they call a repeat customer.

You keep this up, I'm gonna
have to rename this place
Hickey Bail Bonds.

Well, as an investor, I'm gonna
have to ask you to institute
a no nut-kicking policy. Ow!

Ooh!
[ Chuckles ]
Sorry about that.

Here. You can use
my nut ice for your head.



It's only been on
the outside of my pants.

Aren't you a gentleman.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was love at first sight.

So we started hangin' out.

In fact, Jesse was the first
person to ever let me jump her
with a tiny motorcycle.

She even got along with Randy,

who finally found someone
who enjoyed Mad Libs
as much as he did.

[ Randy ]
Okay, read it back.
Okay.

"Once upon a time, there was
a butt princess who lived
in a beautiful butt castle."

[ Laughing ]
"Until one day she was captured
by a fire-breathing butt."

[ Gasping ]
"A beautiful butt castle."

That's just crazy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were goin' so well,

she even gave me a three-week
anniversary present.

Oh, my God!
Metallica tickets!

Third row!
That's close enough
to get sweat on.

I know.
I'll see you later.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Jesse
had a good thing goin'.

And it was all happenin'
pretty fast.

But, not as fast as it happened
later that night with Joy.

In just seven hours, I went
from havin' a semi-serious
three-week girlfriend...

to bein' the husband
of a pregnant woman whose name
I kept forgettin'.

I thought about callin' Jesse
to talk to her...

and tell her
what I had done.

But then I realized
that I'd have to talk to her
and tell her what I had done.

[ Joy ]
Oh, snap.

You got us Metallica tickets
for our honeymoon?

[ Clears Throat ]
Actually, those tickets
are for, uh,

our honeymoon.
Metallica tickets!

I am so takin' off my panties
and sittin' on your shoulders.

That might upset
the people behind us.

There ain't
nobody behind us.

[ Earl Narrating ]
If tellin' Jesse it was over
was difficult before,

our Metallica honeymoon
had made it impossible.

Great concert.
Baby liked it too.

He's still bangin' his tiny
fists on my cootie wall.

He's gonna be a drummer.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But Jesse eventually
tracked me down,

which wasn't hard
because there were
two places I like to drink.

And since I wasn't
in my El Camino,
well, she found me.

Hide me.

Sweetie,
where have you been?

Are you okay?
I've been tryin'
to reach you for days.

Yeah, I, uh--

You went to the concert
without me?

Now, honey,
why would he take you?
It was our honeymoon trip.

Look, Lars even
signed my baby hump.

What is she talking
about, "honeymoon"?

It's actually
a pretty funny story. Uh--

We got married, sweetheart.
Read it and weep.

That's not the funny version.

You married... this whore?

I'm sorry.
Maybe you need
to read it again.

Now, put those teeth
under your pillow,

and maybe the tooth fairy
will bring you your own man.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I felt bad about Jesse,
but what was I gonna do?

I was married now, and after
seein' my wife's left hook,

I decided it was best
to stay on her good side.

And I figured six years later
Jesse would have
forgotten about me...

and what Joy did to her,
but I was wrong.

Okay, we got Hank Lange,
broke out of jail.
Look's like 10 G's.

Our buddy, Ralph Mariano.
Larceny of a dog,
resisting arrest. 1,200.

Joy Turner, formerly known
as Joy Hickey.

[ Lisping ]
Did you just say Joy Hickey?

Yeah, Joy Hickey.
Failure to appear on
a traffic ticket. 200.

- I'll take this one.
- Not worth our time.

It's worth mine.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though Joy's bounty
was 200 bucks...

and a bounty hunter
license was 250,
Jesse took the loss.

She wasn't in it
for the money.

She could have gone
after Joy right then,

but she didn't want
to bring her in.

She wanted to
bring her down.
[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And so she set out
to get tough.

Tough enough that she wouldn't
be humiliated again.

Eighteen.

Nineteen.

[ Meowing ]

I'll feed you
in a second, Lolly!

Twenty.

- Now finish him!
- [ Screams ]

[ Man Groans ]

[ Growling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And after a few months,

that sweet secretary
had turned into an ass-kickin'
bounty-huntin' machine.

[ Both Shouting ]

[ Screams ]

I like that Wonderbug.
I wish we had a car that flew.
Hmm.

I wish we had a car we didn't
have to start with a spoon.

It seems a shame to waste your
wish on somethin' that small.

[ Man ]
Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter?

Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!

Bounty hunter!
Bounty hunter!

Bounty hunter!

Bounty hunter!

Bounty!
Bounty hunter!

Oh, crap.

- Hey! Hey!
- What?

Where's Joy Turner?
I got a warrant for her arrest.

I gotta go.
Quick, give me the car spoon.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Joy didn't
want to go to jail,

she hightailed it over to me
lookin' for some help.

Jesse, huh?
Yeah. She looks tough, and
she's got a shotgun with her.

She could toss me in the air
and shoot me like skeet.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I knew I had to
do number 145 on my list--

ditched Jesse to marry Joy.

Earl, do we have
any scissors?

This motorcycle's startin'
to hurt my head skin.

I don't understand this, Joy.
How can Jesse take you to jail?

I got a warrant out
for not appearin' in court
for a stupid traffic ticket.

I mean, just 'cause
the car's stuck in reverse...

don't mean the kids
don't have to go to school.

This is all your fault, Earl.

I know it is.
I shouldn't have left her
the way I did.

I guess she never
got over me.
[ Hair Rips ]

[ Exhales ]
It's probably the mustache.

Don't worry, Joy.
I'll go talk to her.

- Maybe you should shave first.
- Randy, that is not an option.

You wanna play Mad Libs?

Yeah. Here's a Mad Lib.
Shut the blank up.

Shut the "butt" up.
Do another one.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Meanwhile, Darnell was busy
tryin' to stall Jesse.

- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.

- Where is she?
- She's in the bedroom
tearin' things up,

lookin' for clues
and whatnot.

I'm totally freakin' out.
Can you tell?

- Not really.
- I had a little cocktail.

Hey, Jesse.

Wow, you look,
uh, intense.

[ No Lisp ]
Thank you.

- Where is she, Earl?
- I don't know.

You're lying.
I'm trained to spot liars.

I'm not lyin'.
Seriously, I took a seminar
at the Marriott.

I sat in the front row.
You're lying.

I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

Where is she, Earl?

Look, Jesse, I'm the one who
dumped you for another girl,
and I'm sorry about it.

I'll make it up to you.
I'll pay off your dentist bill.

Or your jeweler bill
or whoever put those in.

This isn't about you.

This is about respect
for the law...

and me knockin' that bitch's
teeth out for resisting.

[ Exhales ]

Are you scared
to go to jail?

Wouldn't you be?
Not really.

You're goin' to girl jail.
That's way different
than regular jail.

- How so?
- 'Cause it's chicks.

It's just truth or dare
and pillow fights.
Like a slumber party.

Did you talk to her?
Is she gonna take me to jail?

Not right away.
She's plannin' on knockin'
your teeth out first.

I can't lose my teeth, Earl.

I'm gonna be the first woman
in my family to get to 30
with all my originals.

Relax, Joy.
She doesn't know where we are.
I'll figure somethin' out.

I need to calm down.
Give me a light.

If you're gettin' locked up,
you should save your cigarettes.

They're like money in jail.
And that's the same for boy jail
and girl jail.

That's weird. I had
a book of matches in here.

[ Banging ]

Joy!

I know you're hiding her
in there, Earl!

She picked my pocket.

I know you're in there, Earl.

I can tell by the light
flickering behind the peephole
every time you move your head.

I learned that
at the Marriott too.

We're goin' out
to the R.V. in the woods.
Call us when she's gone.

- How am I supposed to call
if she makes me dead?
- [ Jesse ] Joy!

Come on, come on, come on!

[ Banging ]

- Hey, Jesse.
- Hi, Randy. Nice to see you.

You look great.
Are you doing something
different with your hair?

I switched shampoo.

Well, it's workin' out
for you.

Hey, have you seen
your brother or Joy?

No.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Back in the day,
when Joy and I wanted...

to get away from the hustle
and bustle of Camden,

we went to our vacation home
we found by the lake.

The fact that it was
an abandoned R.V. meant
there were no bills to pay,

but it also meant there were
no keys and it had mushrooms
growin' in the carpet.

Whoo!
It's colder in here
than it is outside.

I'll try to find us
some blankets.

[ Both Screaming ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
a homeless man had claimed
our vacation home away from us,

and he wasn't leavin'
without a bribe.

I want a pair of shoes
and a 35-second hug
from the cute one.

All right.
Sounds fair.

[ Earl Narrating ]
What we didn't realize
at the time was...

the shoes he wanted
were Joy's,

and the one he wanted
a hug from was me.

Thanks for
the jacket, Earl.

If anyone deserves
to be cold, it's me.

[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

It's your brother.
Hello?

I wanna start out
by sayin' I'm sorry.

No, no, no.
Randy, did you tell her
where we were?

I'm sorry, Earl.
She found my weakness.

[ Screaming ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Meanwhile, at the motel,

Jesse was workin' Randy,
tryin' to find out
where me and Joy were.

They're in the R.V.!
They're in the R.V.!

They're in--
[ Grunts ]

Okay. Don't worry.
We're not gonna let her
take you to jail.

Here's what we'll do.
I'll drive you to Goshen.

There's an old barn
out there me and Ralph used to
hide out in, Ponyboy style.

If I'm gonna sleep in a barn,
I might as well go to jail.

You're right.
We'll find you
a motel around here.

Earl.
No, don't worry.
I'll pay.

No, Earl,
you're not gonna pay.
Yes, I am.

Look, I got enough
for the first night.

I'll go back to my place
to get more.
Earl, just stop.

You don't have to
do any more, Earl.

Look, you snuck me
all the way up here.

You gave me your jacket
and your shoes.

You did some gay stuff
with a homeless guy.
You've done enough already.

But this whole thing's
my fault, Joy.
It's on my list.

I ditched Jesse
to run off with you.

Earl, you didn't run off.

I stole you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It seems Joy's lyin'
and deceivin' me...

had started
before we even met.

I'll see you later.

Y'all, I'm serious.
I don't know how I'm gonna
pay for this baby.

I don't even have
a place to live.

If I don't find a man soon,
I'm screwed.

How about that guy?
He looks sweet.

That boy? Y'all, just 'cause
I'm pregnant don't mean
I'm gonna marry Corky.

What's this?
Hold the phone.

Don't do it, baby.
Don't do it.

Don't lick the chalk.
Put it down.

He's perfect.
But y'all gonna have to
get him ready for me first.

[ Earl Narrating ] There's only
one way to get a guy like me
ready to marry a pregnant woman.

[ Crowd Chanting ]
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

[ Slurred ]
Your girls are great.

You girls are great, 'cause--

[ Laughs ]

Wait. What were we--
What were we talkin' about?

- I think he's ready.
- Boo, if you think we're great,
you gonna love our friend Joy.

Joy, huh?

She sounds great.

Oh, no, you didn't!
Tell me you didn't
just go old school.

Hey.
Hey.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And that right there
was all it took.

The next mornin',
I had a hangover
and Joy had a husband.

Oh, my God.
You're married?

Yeah, sweetie.
To you.

Excuse me.

Hey, Robin.

Guess who don't have to
move into the shelter
with you anymore.

My baby's got a daddy.
[ Giggles ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
For a minute I wondered if,
once again,

I had drunk nine months
of my life away.

Wow. I, uh--
Wow.

Look, Earl,
you have a lot of bad stuff
you done on that list,

but what happened
to Jesse was my fault.

It shouldn't be on there.

Thanks, Joy.

I'm sorry for trickin' you
into marryin' me...

while I was carryin'
another man's baby,

and for havin' yet
another man's baby,

and for leavin' you
while you were
in the hospital,

and some other stuff.

You know what?
It's okay.

We had a rough six years
together, but there were
a lot of parts I loved.

There were a lot of parts
I loved too.

Earl?
Give me another minute.

Just tryin' to get that gay
homeless guy out of my mind.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was proud of Joy
for turnin' herself in.

She was on the road
to a better life.

Unfortunately, that road
had Jesse's Suburban in it.

Crap, crap, crap.

- Let me go talk to her.
- Earl.

You done enough
takin' care of me.
You stay here.

I'm gonna go take care
of this by myself.

Look, Jesse.
I'm turnin' myself in.

There is no need
for any violence.

We both know this isn't
about you going to jail.

Say good-bye
to your teeth, bitch.

[ Spits ]

[ Groans ]

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

[ Screams ]

Where the hell did you learn
to fight like that?

I watch a lot of Springer.

Here.
Melt these down.
Bail me out.

[ Panting ]

[ Engine Starts ]