My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 20 - Boogeyman - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
You may wonder why me and Randy
are hiding in the bushes...



watching a little kid.

Well, it all started
about six years ago,

and I don't mean
our watching little kids.

Joy had recently given birth
to my first illegitimate child.

And we didn't have a fancy
nanny, so every day was
"Take Your Baby to Work Day."

Alby, hurry up.

Would you two dummies
relax?

Aunt Edna's birthday party
5:00 to 8:00.
We got all night.

Now, who wants
rich people food?

[ Gasps ]
Ooh, y'all.
They got real cheese.

[ Chattering, Laughing
In Distance ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,
the family only left...

to pick up
the guest of honor.

Aunt Edna's birthday party
was here.



And that changed
our plans from "robbin'"
to "gettin' the hell out."

Whoa.

We tried to escape,
but, unfortunately,

our crime scene
became a party scene,
and we were trapped.

Isn't this
just horrific?

George's last wife
had dreadful taste.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was every man, woman...

and baby for himself.

Who's that Boo Radley guy
behind the plant?

[ Woman ]
That's Rose's son--

the one she was pregnant
with for nearly a year.

It's really sad.

I think he's only 11.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Everyone got out.

Everyone but me.
Come on.
It's time for bed.

Can I sleep in
your bedroom?
You're too old for that, Alby.

Tell me a story,
Daddy.

Okay.

Once upon a time,
there was a giant armadillo.

[ Woman #2 ]
George, are you
still up there?

You know, I should be
getting back to the guests.
Sleep tight, sport.

At least leave the lights on
to keep the boogeyman away.

We've been through this, Alby.
You know there's no such thing
as the boogeyman, okay?

Good night.

There's no such thing
as the boogeyman.

There's no such thing
as the boogeyman.

There's no such thing
as the boogeyman.
[ Animal Hooting ]

There's no such thing
as the boogeyman.

[ Creaks ]

[ Creaking ]
There's no such thing
as the boogeyman.

There's no such thing
as the boogeyman.

[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

There is a boogeyman!
There is a boogeyman!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And there you have it.
Number 239--

made a kid scared
of the boogeyman.

Look, Earl,
he's got a trampoline.

We should steal it and put it
in the motel parking lot.

We could use it to go up
and down from our room without
having to use the stairs.

Randy, we're here for the kid,
not his trampoline.

Hey there,
little guy.

[ Screams ]
It's you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy with that
fancy hammer, kid.

J-Just put it down.
I'm just here to talk to you.

[ Earl Narrating ] I explained
my list and the boogeyman
misunderstanding to Alby.

And I realized
if you talk to kids
like they're adults,

they'll treat you
with the same respect.
You're a butt-wad. I hate you.

I was a butt-wad,
but now I'm trying not to be.

I know I can't un-scare you,
but maybe there's some
other way I can make it up.

- How?
- Sometimes the people
on my list,

they choose how I'm gonna
make things up to 'em.

So whatever I say
you have to do, butt-wad?

Yeah, that's kind of
how it works.

[ Randy ]
Whee!
Be my slave all day.

You should do it, Earl.
Bein' a slave could be cool.
You get to sing while you work.

- Whoo!
- Fine. I'll do it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Alby's suggestion was a little
childish, but he was just a kid.

Unfortunately,
he handled firearms
like an adult.

[ Grunting ]

Okay, Edward,
smile like your brother.
Smile.

Edmund, get your hands
off your wee-wee.

Uh, Alby, we're
gonna be back late.

There's sandwich stuff
in the fridge
if you get hungry.

Excuse me.
Uh, if you're gonna keep
aiming for my crotch,

you think you can get me, like,
an ashtray or somethin' I can
put down the front of my pants?

I'm bored.
Let's play boat.

Starboard, starboard.

That's port.
I said starboard.

I told you, Alby.
I don't know fancy
sailing terms.

The engine does not talk
to the captain.
It makes engine sounds.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gurgling ]

[ Video Game Beeping ]

Wrong.

Can you at least tell me
what I did wrong?
Nope. Figure it out.

[ Beeping Continues ]
All right.

I'll try, uh,
turkey and mayo,
no pickles.

Good luck with that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Once it got dark, I figured
I'd be able to go home.

But Alby decided I needed
to sleep underneath his window
in case he needed something.

[ Crickets Chirping ]
I'm gonna go to sleep.

- Try to keep the crickets
down, will you?
- How?

Scare 'em.
You're good at that.

[ Chirping Continues ]
[ Growls ]

[ Chirping Stops ]

Earl? Earl?

How's bein' a slave?
Is it fun?

No, it isn't fun, Randy.
I got shot with paintballs,

was used as a motorboat
and was forced to race his dog
on all fours.

That's not fair, Earl.
A dog's used to racing
on all fours.

I bet he won.
Did he win?

Yeah, he won.
Still, great day.

Paintball, and you
got to race an animal?

You'll beat him next time.
You just have to practice.

Oh. Unless the dog
practices too,
which it probably will.

[ Alby ]
Earl! Earl!
Where are you?

[ Sighs ]
Great. I wonder what
His Highness wants now.

Bye, Earl.

- Where were you?
- I had to explain to my friends
I couldn't come home...

'cause you might
want a Hot Pocket
at 2:00 in the morning.

I was here all alone,
and you weren't here
to protect me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when
I started to realize,

well, there was more to Alby
than just bein' spoiled.

And when his light
stayed on all night,
well, I knew for sure.

Alby was scared of the dark
because some idiot
hid under his bed.

And since I was that idiot,
I had to help him.

I had no idea how
to cure kid problems.

But I did know someone
who had caused a lot
of kid problems,

so I went to her for help.
This feels weird.

It's not weird.
It's metrosexual.

Pretty soon, metrosexuality's
gonna hit Camden County,

and when all the men
start turnin' into half-fruits,
Joy's Nails is gonna be ready.

Joy, do you remember
a few months ago when Dodge
was scared of the dark?

Yeah. Unfortunately
that was my fault, 'cause
when he heard us having sex,

I told him it was me
fighting off the wolf man.

[ Joy ]
Oh, God. Oh, God.

Mommy, are you okay?

Go to bed, honey.
Mommy's just fightin' off
the wolf man again.

[ Wolf Howling ]
[ Earl ]
So how'd you cure him?

Unfortunately,
he got brave one time...

and walked in tryin' to save me
and saw there was no wolf man--

just Darnell plowin' me.

He still won't
look me in the eye.

Okay, well,
thanks for the advice.

Leave the pinkie long.
I use it to get between my sock
and shoe to scratch my foot.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I realized the first thing
I had to do to help...

was to get him
to admit his fear.

What are you doing here?
You only had to be
my slave for a day.

It's okay to be scared
of the dark, Alby.

- I'm not scared of the dark.
- All right.

But even if you were,
it's okay.
I'm scared of stuff.

Like what?

Well, like sewer gators.

You know, they might
come up and bite me
when I sit on the toilet,

so most times
I just kind of hover.

I am scared of the dark,
Earl.

I'm gonna help you
get over that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Alby agreed to dim the lights
a little each night,

as long as I was there
to protect him.

Earl?
I'm here, Alby.

I know.

I was wondering,
what's it like
having a mustache?

Let me give you
one piece of advice, Alby.

The second your body's ready,
grow one.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turning down
the lights that night
helped Alby a little bit.

But what really helped
was just talkin'.

The next night, we dimmed
the lights a little more
and talked about relationships.

- Why don't you ask her out?
- I don't know. What you said
really scared me.

Oh, well,
Joy's a bad example.

Not all women
are like that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The next night,
we dimmed the lights more...

and talked about
life's biggest questions.

Well, no one really
knows for sure,
but I like to think...

the first thing that happens
in heaven is you get to watch
your whole life on TV.

That's cool.

- So one day we might both
be watching this on TV?
- Yeah, maybe.

Hey, dead Earl.

Hey, dead Alby.

[ Earl Narrating ] Before
you knew it, the little guy
didn't need the light at all.

Good night, Earl.

Good night, Alby.

Earl, wake up!

I did it! I slept
with the lights off
and wasn't scared!

That's great, Alby.

What's that on your face?

Snails. I stopped
swattin' 'em off
around midnight.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a week of sleeping
on a tree full of bugs,

I was looking forward
to taking a nap on
real furniture full of bugs.

[ Yawns ]
[ Randy ] I still can't believe
you didn't call me...

when you were playing
paintball.

It combines two
of my favorite things:
Toy guns and paint.

Not gonna be any more
paintball for me, Randy.
I'm crossing him off the list.

[ Knocking ]

I wanna live with you.

Wait. Three things--
I also like balls.

Balls of paint.
I like balls of paint.

What do you mean,
you wanna live with me?

You care about me, Earl.
My dad doesn't.

I was scared of the dark
for ages. He didn't
do one thing about it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Alby went on to paint
a picture of his homelife.

Ever since his dad
remarried and had twins,
Alby was completely ignored.

- I felt bad for him.
- Check it out, Earl.
It's a superhero mask.

- The eyes are
kind of far apart.
- [ Sighs ]

Oh.

Look, Alby.
You can't just leave home
and come live here.

The number for
George Tollhurst, please.

He can live here, Earl.
We'll make him sleep sideways
at the foot of our bed.

You know, to keep our toes warm.
Do you have fuzzy pajamas?

Hello, Mr. Tollhurst?
Yeah, I just wanted you to know
that I've got your son.

No, the other son.
No, the other son.

Yeah, that's him.
He's right here and I--

Hello? Hello?
Why'd you do that?

I'm the last one
he thought of. I don't
want him to know where I am.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, it's me again.

[ George ]
I don't know who you are
or what you want,

but I want you to know that
you have my full cooperation.

Just don't hurt Alby.

What? No, no, no, no.
I-I--

You don't understand what's
going on. Alby's sitting
right next to me and he's-- Oh.

I'm not going home.

Alby, yes, you are.
Get back here.

[ Door Slams Shut ]
[ Earl ]
Alby? Alby, open up.

Is he gonna be in there
a while?
[ Pounding On Door ]

I didn't have to use
the bathroom, but now that
I can't, I'm getting antsy.

[ Pounding Continues ]
[ Doorknob Jiggling ]

Come on, Alby.
It's been a half an hour.

Enough, okay?
Come on out now.

[ Alby ]
How come there's two of you,
but only one deodorant?

[ Sirens Wailing ]
Oh, we're brothers,
so we share.

- We do?
- Earl, the motel's on TV.

[ Chattering ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

Oh, my God.
They think we're--

I'm gonna go out
and explain everything
to 'em.

I don't wanna go home.
If you go out there,
I'll tell 'em you kidnapped me.

And I'll tell 'em I didn't.
Then I'll tell 'em you did.

- I'll tell 'em he didn't.
- Then I'll tell 'em you put
my underwear on your head.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry, Earl.
I really did think
it was a mask.

Hit.
We're in hour two of
the Camden kidnapper standoff.

Usually, the Palm Tree Motel
isn't known for its views,

but today, there may be
a view to a kill.

All right.
We gotta do somethin'.

We can't just stay
locked up in here forever.

Why not? It's fun.
Alby, you're not thinkin'
this thing through.

How long do you think
we can stay locked up here?

We don't even have any food.
Just give up.

They said they're gonna kill me
if you don't give us pizza.

- Alby, what are you doing?
- Tell 'em we'll still kill
you if it's not pepperoni.

Randy!

Okay, there's
gotta be a way.

Maybe Catalina's outside
explaining that we're not
kidnappers.

She knows about Alby
and my list.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, Catalina's
an illegal immigrant...

and thought all the SWAT teams
were out there for her.

Hey, hey, hey.
No. That's my son
up there.

Don't worry, Alby.
We're not gonna let
anything happen to you.

We're not--
When we wanna use the bullhorn,
we ask to use the bullhorn.

We do not snatch
the bullhorn.

- See? Your dad
cares about you.
- [ Scoffs ]

He's just saying that 'cause
the cameras are here. He doesn't
wanna look like a bad dad on TV.

Earl, it's almost 2:00.
Can we switch the TV over
and watch Win, Lose or Draw?

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
A simple misunderstanding
gets less simple...

once you add choppers
and a SWAT team.

Those guys have bazookas.

I can't take it anymore.
I'm goin' out there.

- I'll tell 'em
you kidnapped me.
- Fine. Say whatever you want.

I'm gonna tell the truth
and take my chances.

[ Reporter ] The Camden police
department has identified
the kidnapper as Earl Hickey.

With me is the alleged
kidnapper's former wife,
Joy Turner.

Joy, what was it like
being married to a monster?

Frankly, I didn't know
he was capable of
somethin' like this.

But I know earlier in
the week he was asking about
spending nights with the boy.

So this was planned?

But it was okay,
because the boy
was on his list.

He has a list of boys?

[ Joy ]
Look, before this goes
any further-- Excuse me--

I just wanna say one thing.

If you're lookin' for
a reasonably priced manicure
gentle enough for a woman,

but man enough for a half-fruit,
call Joy's Nails.

We're in the book.

You know the suspect.
Do you have anything to add?

Well, I-I don't know
if he's watching,
but if he is, hey, Earl!

Hey, Crab Man.

What I do is push
these cuticles back.

That'll look
a lot more clean.

Is this what you need
to be doing now?

Sir, it's a waiting game.
Look, I'm tired of waiting.

That's not cool, man.

He's leaving.

He's not even pretending
to care anymore.

Alby, pretending that
you're kidnapped isn't helping
your relationship with your dad.

And to be honest, it's straining
our relationship a little bit.
Will you stop poking me?

I'm just trying to catch
that cool little dot
that's on your back.

[ Gasps ]
Now it's on your belly.

- [ Gasps, Grunts ]
- It went away.

There it is.
[ Grunts ]

There's been a new development
in the child kidnapping case.

The victim's father
has climbed the fire escape
to the motel roof.

What is that
jackass doing?

Well, I'll be damned.

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

Hey, look. I see
your dad's legs on TV and
out there in real life too.

- Shoot that idiot
with a beanbag.
- Alby.

- [ Groans ]
- Dad!

Dad, are you okay?

Alby.
[ Laughs ]

[ Crowd Murmuring ]
I love you, Son.

[ All ]
Aw.

Let's go home, Alby.

Ah.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was hard to be upset
with Alby.

He was just a kid who wanted
to know his dad loved him.

Even though he could be
a pain sometimes,

seein' Alby happy
made me happy too.
[ Gunshot ]

- [ Glass Shatters ]
- I just wish he was
a little quicker...

- to explain our situation
to the police.
- Hey, look, Earl. Fancy smoke.

Aw, it's making me sad.

Randy, put it down.
But it's so pretty.

Randy, put that thing--
Randy, put it down!

I really like it,
Earl.
[ Coughing ]

Put it down, Randy!
[ Sobbing ]
It's really, really pretty.

[ Coughing Continues ]
Randy, put it down.

[ Sobbing Continues ]
It's real pretty, Earl.
See how pretty it is?

Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?

Did you hear about me
and the Cheeto?

No. What happened?
Oh, it was
pretty amazing.

I was eatin' some Cheetos,
and I missed my mouth with one,

and it bounced off my chin
and onto my shoulder,

and then it rolled
all the way down my arm
and right back into the bag.

Sounds pretty amazing.
Yeah.

Everyone at the Crab Shack's
talkin' about it.

Cool.
Good night, Randy.

Good night, Earl.

I made it up, Earl.
I know you did.

Last year you told me
the same story about
a Good & Plenty.

Be pretty cool if
it happened though.

Yeah, it'd be cool.