My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 19 - Y2K - full transcript
When Earl wants to return a take-a-number machine to the department store he and the gang once stole it from, Randy tries to talk Earl out of giving the machine back because of the sentimental value it has to all of them. In a long flashback, we learn why the machine has the value that it has to the gang: At the end of 1999, Earl, Randy, a pregnant Joy and Donny meet Darnell, who convinces them that Y2K (the year 2000) will lead to the end of the world. So, on January first 2000 (after having mistaken the fireworks from the night before for machine gun fire), thinking they're the last people on earth, the gang goes to the department store and decides to live there. Because there are no longer any rules, Randy comes up with the idea to use the numbers of the take-a-number machine: Whenever there's a problem, the person with the lowest number is right. Meanwhile, Catalina travels to the United States. It's a long and rough journey.
My name is Earl.
[ Earl Narrating ]
The local Bargain Bag was known
for its bad customer service,
but we couldn't
really blame them for that.
As a matter of fact,
they could blame us,
and that's why we were here,
to make up for number 24
on my list--
stole a red take-a-number
machine.
I wanna thank you
for including us
on this list item, Earl.
I appreciate any opportunity
to repent for my sinful days.
- Oh! I want Jesus to see this.
- Is that who that is?
Uh-huh.
I saw him
peeking out.
- Thought it was
Willie Nelson.
- Next!
Good-bye, little fella.
We never even gave you a name.
Earl! You can't give back
that ticket thing.
Randy, we talked about this.
I have to. It's on my list.
You can't.
Randy.
It's not your turn.
Oh, snap.
[ Earl Narrating ] I understood
why Randy didn't wanna part
with that ticket machine.
It meant a lot to him.
It meant a lot to all of us.
It was Christmas 1999...
and I had met and married
Joy only three weeks earlier.
Since it was our first
holiday together,
I wanted to include her in
our gang's yuletide traditions.
Hey, everyone!
It's carolers!
While Donny, Randy
and Joy spread good tidings,
I snuck in and robbed
the place.
Are you Santa?
Oh, ho-ho.
Why are you taking
all our presents?
Well, I think if you thought
hard enough, you'd know
the answer to that.
Now off to bed or there
won't be a Christmas
next year either.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Don't worry.
She's on my list.
If this is another
damn thesaurus,
I'm gonna track down
those dumb, stupid...
dumb people,
and teach them how
to buy a proper gift.
Cool, it's one of them
checker sets, but for
smart people and gays.
- Here you go.
- Who are you?
Darnell. I'm new.
[ Earl Narrating ]
A few weeks earlier, Darnell's
life took a dramatic turn...
and he had to relocate
to Camden County.
As soon as you get
out of this van,
you become Darnell Turner.
All the documents you need--
birth certificate,
driver's license, etc.--
are in this envelope.
Cool.
Remember, you can never be
Harry Monroe again.
You're a totally new person.
- Do I still like cheese?
- Not if you wanna stay alive
you don't.
[ Earl Narrating ] The more we
hung out with Darnell, the more
we learned how smart he was.
Why is it called "Y2K"?
It means "2000" in computer,
and in a few days,
when it turns 2000,
all the computers are gonna
think it's really Year Zero.
- The hell does that mean?
- All the computers will go
berserk and things like...
electricity, water, gas
will be out.
The banks will be outta money.
Stores will be outta food.
All the high scores
on video games will be reset.
- Even "Centipede"?
- Mm-hmm.
That's messed up, y'all.
What the hell's gonna
happen to us?
Well, we'll either be killed
at the hands of hungry citizens
or die of starvation.
- Do we get to choose?
- Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?
We should do somethin', right?
I mean, we gotta do somethin'.
Well, the best thing to do
is just hole up somewhere
and wait to see what happens.
We can use my sister's basement.
She's off with another trucker.
And does she go off
with a lot of truckers?
My sister falls in love easy,
if that's what you're askin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] As we all
tried to figure out how the hell
we were gonna survive Y2K,
we weren't the only people
preparing for an uncertain
future.
[ Braying ]
As it turns out,
our good friend Catalina
was a world away...
preparing to make
her journey to America.
Toma.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
In the days leading up
to Y2K,
we decided to stock up
on survival supplies.
And we weren't the only ones.
Randy, I told you
no robot dogs.
We can only afford
the things we need to survive.
But I already filled out
the adoption papers.
I named him "Biscuit."
Put it back, Randy.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey...
Crab Man.
Wow. You really
like cheese.
Shh.
I'm gonna have to see
a receipt and pat you down.
Does that mean I'm gonna
have to take my boots off?
- Probably.
- The hell's goin' on?
Sorry, honey. Now that
we're married, you're gonna
have to get used to this.
For some reason,
people tend to think
me and Randy are criminals.
I understand, baby.
Everywhere I go I get
dirty looks too.
- So do I.
- Me too, and it sucks
because we're good people.
Mm-hmm.
You know, it's crazy.
They're so worried about us
stealing stuff.
The whole store
gonna get looted
during Y2K.
- Wait a minute.
There's gonna be lootin'?
- Mm-hmm.
Then why the hell
did we just buy
all this stuff?
I'm gonna return mine
and steal it tomorrow.
Can I loot too, Earl?
There's just so much
I wanna take.
And, plus, I'm still
a little bit upset about
that Larry King verdict.
You know what I'm gonna
loot first? I'm gonna
loot me a Humvee.
Then I'm gonna take all
the other stuff I loot
and put it in my Humvee.
And if somebody tries
to stop me, I'm gonna
drive over 'em in my Humvee.
And I also want
a new pair of sandals.
Hey, Darnell, if all
the computers break,
does that mean we won't
have criminal records anymore?
Yep. It'll be cool.
Your whole slate's
gonna be wiped clean.
I'd like a clean slate.
Mine's filthy.
Mine too.
Oh, my God!
We're missin' it.
- Ten--
- [ All ] Nine, eight--
You know, this Y2K
thing can be good for us.
The whole deck's
gonna be reshuffled.
Maybe we won't be on the bottom.
[ All ]
Three, two,
one!
[ Blowing Horns ]
[ Electrical Pop, Whirring ]
[ Tape: Distorted Audio ]
[ Whispers ]
It's happening.
[ Earl Narrating ]
What we didn't know then was
that Donny Jones's sister...
liked to screw two things:
truckers
and the electric company.
Come on, guys!
Let's do this!
The Year Zero
is gonna be ours.
- [ Explosion ]
- That's probably
the power plant.
[ Rapid Explosions ]
Sounds like
machine-gun fire.
[ Earl Narrating ]
What we didn't know
was that every year...
Camden County had
a New Year's fireworks show.
We'd never seen it
because we were usually
passed out by 9:00.
- Y'all, that sounds
like grenades.
- Grenades?
The other looters have grenades?
I only have this bat.
I could hit a grenade
with the bat, but only
if you put it on a tee.
Maybe we should loot
in the mornin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] Once the sun
came up and the other looters
ran out of grenades,
we were excited to finally
get our chance to steal
everything we ever dreamed of.
Where is everybody?
We've gone 10 blocks
and haven't seen a soul.
Maybe they're hiding.
Marco! Marco!
We're not in
the damn pool, you idiot.
Olly, Olly, oxen free!
I'm gettin' a little
buggy here.
Maybe Randy was right.
Maybe the computers did rise up
and kill everybody.
I think you're right.
Where are the bodies?
The computers are
using them for fuel.
Hey, wait!
[ Earl ]
Hurry up!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Realizing we might be...
the only people left on Earth
in Year Zero freaked us out.
What we didn't know was
there was a reason why
the streets were so empty.
[ Cheering ]
We were always so drunk
from the night before,
we were never awake to know
there was a parade on
New Year's Day.
Well, I guess that's it.
I guess the world's over.
I'm so angry at computers
right now.
Well, if
the world's over,
I guess we're gonna
have to start a new one.
Any ideas on how to do that,
because it sounds complicated.
Well, I think we need
to make sure that
the new human race...
is made up of people
of all different colors.
You know, by stirrin' up
the meltin' pot.
I call "president."
Yeah, me too.
I call "president" too.
We can't have two presidents.
Says who?
Says me and I-I'm
the president.
- One of them.
- Guys, we're not
gonna have a president.
But if we were,
I'd be the president.
Don't talk to me.
[ Earl Narrating ]
While we were tryin' to figure
out the rest of our lives,
Catalina was runnin' for hers.
[ Shouting ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
As bummed out as we were
about Y2K ending the world,
we were also excited
to go shopping.
Being the last people
on Earth had its advantages.
There was no one at
the register, so everything
was in our price range.
Plus, there was no other
shoppers grabbin' stuff...
out of our carts
when we weren't lookin'.
- You guys ready to get
out of here?
- Not me. I'm staying forever.
You're gonna live in
the store? Earl, he's
gonna live in the store.
- I can live wherever
I want.
- Yeah. We rule the world now.
I may move to Florida
if Y2K hasn't snapped
it off in the ocean.
Earl, can we live
in the store too, please?
Can we?
I guess. It is
bigger than the trailer...
and we wouldn't have to
load this crap in the car.
- Okay. I claim the TV section.
- Oh, hold on.
You can't do that.
What are you gonna do,
call the police? They're dead.
I can do whatever I want...
- and I claim this section.
- Why the hell's it your section
and not my section?
"A," because you're pregnant
and can't fight,
and, "B," because
I got here first.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Suddenly, we all realized...
if there was somethin'
we wanted for our own,
we had to be the first one
to get there.
[ Grunting ]
[ Clattering ]
So we all claimed
our piece of paradise.
Joy took the beauty products
and pharmacy aisle.
[ Air Hissing ]
Help! Help! The machine's
got me! Y2K! Y2K!
[ Beeping ]
Never mind. I scared it.
It let go.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Darnell seemed happy
in his section.
Oh, I get it.
My finger's his wiener.
And I found a section
that was my own
little slice of heaven.
Everyone started out
pretty happy with our
little arrangement,
but eventually, people
began to have needs
outside their aisles.
- Hey, baby.
- Oh! Hey, hubby!
Hey, look on the back of that
box and tell me how long
to keep these bleach trays in.
Joy, it says you're not
supposed to use these
if you're pregnant.
Says the stupid government--
which is dead.
There's no more rules
anymore, Earl.
I could put the stuff
in my eyes if I wanted to--
make the white parts whiter.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doin'?
- My stomach hurts.
I think I ate too many
cookie insides.
You can't just come in
and take my stuff
without askin'.
But we're married.
It's our stuff.
I don't think so.
I'm a separate accounts
kind of woman.
If you want something,
you're gonna have to
give me something for it.
You want three bags
of slightly licked
outsides of cookies?
I want a TV.
How am I supposed to get you
a TV? I live in Snack Foods.
Figure it out.
- Hey, Donny, what
can I trade you for a TV?
- Give me your wife.
I'm not givin' you my wife.
Pick a snack food.
Marshmallow Fluff--
smeared on your wife.
- Donny.
- Okay.
I'll give you a TV,
but you gotta owe me
one favor--
and I get to ask for that
favor anytime I want...
and you can't say "no"
and you can't ask
what the favor's gonna be.
Is the favor givin' you
my wife?
- Yep.
- Forget it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
While Donny Jones
was hard to negotiate with,
he was easy to fool.
Oh, so there's crime now.
[ Laughs ]
[ Machinery Popping ]
- What the hell
are you doin'?
- You took my TV!
I saw it on TV.
I know we can go
and fish and hunt.
Who's my good dog?
Who's my good boy? You are.
- [ Barks ]
- [ Screams ]
- Yeah, I took one.
But you got 16 left.
- Thief!
- What the hell is goin' on?
- Shut up! You belong to me now.
You're not gettin'
my wife, Donny.
Earl!
Ow! Donny!
Earl?
[ Groans ]
Oh, snap! You killed
your own brother!
I claim the toy section!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Things had gotten
out of control...
and it was gonna take a lot
more than frozen peas to fix
the problems in our new world.
What the hell's the matter
with us? How can we start
a whole new world...
if we can't even get
through a day without...
having a tennis ball
and pumpkin pie filling war.
It's 'cause we ain't got
no damn rules. We need to figure
a way to settle this fightin'.
I know. We institute
a scalpin' policy.
Whenever two people argue,
they both get scalped.
Randy, where are you goin'?
We're makin' important
decisions here.
- Randy, I'm talkin' to you.
- I say we scalp him.
- We're not scalpin' him.
- We could cut off his ear.
You know what? Maybe buildin'
a new world's too much.
We're just a bunch
of low-life criminals.
No wonder everybody
gives us dirty looks
all the time.
We don't have to
argue anymore.
We can use this.
- The hell is that?
- It's a take-a-number thingy.
Ooh! Like they have
at the free clinic.
We just take a number. Whenever
we have to make a decision,
the next number decides.
That way there won't be
wars in our new world.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Funny thing. It took
a smack to the head...
to finally knock
some sense into one of us.
While Randy was helping us
get to a better place,
a guy named Pablo was helping
Catalina do the same thing.
License and registration.
Right away we knew
we were onto something
with the take-a-number machine.
Whenever we would disagree,
we went straight to the numbers.
Whoever had the lowest number
got their way.
The number thingy
really helped us get along.
We stopped arguin'
and started havin' fun.
Our new society
was really comin' together.
We were the best
we'd ever been.
- To us.
- [ All ] To us!
And to Randy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Good job finding that
"pull-a-piece-of-paper-
with-a-number-printed-on-it...
out-of-the-big-red-
plastic-thingy."
You know what kind
of thinkin' that was?
The kind of thinkin'
a president does.
- But we don't have
any presidents.
- Well, maybe we need one.
All in favor of Randy
bein' president--
President.
That means
I'm on top.
[ Earl Narrating ]
By bedtime, we were exhausted,
but mostly, we were proud.
Thanks to Randy's
ticket machine,
we had done good on our
first day of runnin' the world.
If people were still alive
to see us,
they sure wouldn't
have been givin' us
dirty looks that night.
Hey, Mr. President.
[ Randy ]
Yeah, Earl?
How's it feel
to be on top?
I don't like it.
It's too high up here.
Will you switch with me?
Sure, Randy.
So, we all went to sleep...
proud of ourselves
and looking forward to what
the next day would bring.
[ Chattering ]
Biscuit!
[ Earl Narrating ]
But, unfortunately,
the next day brought shoppers...
ready to take advantage
of Bargain Bag's
January 2 Sale.
Turns out the world
wasn't over like we thought.
The deck wasn't reshuffled
and we were still on the bottom.
Nothin' had changed
at all.
Unfortunately,
our new world was over,
but a new world was just
beginning for Catalina...
who finally made it
to America.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Dibs.
What?
Aw, it doesn't matter.
She's gone.
[ Earl Narrating ]
So, six years later,
Bargain Bag still needed
their take-a-number machine,
and no matter how Randy felt,
I still needed to give it
back to 'em.
It's my turn, Earl.
I get to choose.
Randy, look.
That number machine means
something to all of us,
but if we keep it,
then we're just crooks
who stole a number machine.
That's not what
that day was about.
But we were on top.
I liked bein' on top.
Don't worry, Randy.
If we just keep doin'
the things on my list,
we'll be back on top
before you know it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And even though we're
still looked down upon today,
I'm confident that,
one day, we won't be.
One day we will be seen
as the perfect people we were
on that one perfect day.
Ma'am.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Of course, for some of us,
that might take till "Y3K."
[ Earl Narrating ]
The local Bargain Bag was known
for its bad customer service,
but we couldn't
really blame them for that.
As a matter of fact,
they could blame us,
and that's why we were here,
to make up for number 24
on my list--
stole a red take-a-number
machine.
I wanna thank you
for including us
on this list item, Earl.
I appreciate any opportunity
to repent for my sinful days.
- Oh! I want Jesus to see this.
- Is that who that is?
Uh-huh.
I saw him
peeking out.
- Thought it was
Willie Nelson.
- Next!
Good-bye, little fella.
We never even gave you a name.
Earl! You can't give back
that ticket thing.
Randy, we talked about this.
I have to. It's on my list.
You can't.
Randy.
It's not your turn.
Oh, snap.
[ Earl Narrating ] I understood
why Randy didn't wanna part
with that ticket machine.
It meant a lot to him.
It meant a lot to all of us.
It was Christmas 1999...
and I had met and married
Joy only three weeks earlier.
Since it was our first
holiday together,
I wanted to include her in
our gang's yuletide traditions.
Hey, everyone!
It's carolers!
While Donny, Randy
and Joy spread good tidings,
I snuck in and robbed
the place.
Are you Santa?
Oh, ho-ho.
Why are you taking
all our presents?
Well, I think if you thought
hard enough, you'd know
the answer to that.
Now off to bed or there
won't be a Christmas
next year either.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Don't worry.
She's on my list.
If this is another
damn thesaurus,
I'm gonna track down
those dumb, stupid...
dumb people,
and teach them how
to buy a proper gift.
Cool, it's one of them
checker sets, but for
smart people and gays.
- Here you go.
- Who are you?
Darnell. I'm new.
[ Earl Narrating ]
A few weeks earlier, Darnell's
life took a dramatic turn...
and he had to relocate
to Camden County.
As soon as you get
out of this van,
you become Darnell Turner.
All the documents you need--
birth certificate,
driver's license, etc.--
are in this envelope.
Cool.
Remember, you can never be
Harry Monroe again.
You're a totally new person.
- Do I still like cheese?
- Not if you wanna stay alive
you don't.
[ Earl Narrating ] The more we
hung out with Darnell, the more
we learned how smart he was.
Why is it called "Y2K"?
It means "2000" in computer,
and in a few days,
when it turns 2000,
all the computers are gonna
think it's really Year Zero.
- The hell does that mean?
- All the computers will go
berserk and things like...
electricity, water, gas
will be out.
The banks will be outta money.
Stores will be outta food.
All the high scores
on video games will be reset.
- Even "Centipede"?
- Mm-hmm.
That's messed up, y'all.
What the hell's gonna
happen to us?
Well, we'll either be killed
at the hands of hungry citizens
or die of starvation.
- Do we get to choose?
- Wh-Wh-What are we gonna do?
We should do somethin', right?
I mean, we gotta do somethin'.
Well, the best thing to do
is just hole up somewhere
and wait to see what happens.
We can use my sister's basement.
She's off with another trucker.
And does she go off
with a lot of truckers?
My sister falls in love easy,
if that's what you're askin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] As we all
tried to figure out how the hell
we were gonna survive Y2K,
we weren't the only people
preparing for an uncertain
future.
[ Braying ]
As it turns out,
our good friend Catalina
was a world away...
preparing to make
her journey to America.
Toma.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
In the days leading up
to Y2K,
we decided to stock up
on survival supplies.
And we weren't the only ones.
Randy, I told you
no robot dogs.
We can only afford
the things we need to survive.
But I already filled out
the adoption papers.
I named him "Biscuit."
Put it back, Randy.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey...
Crab Man.
Wow. You really
like cheese.
Shh.
I'm gonna have to see
a receipt and pat you down.
Does that mean I'm gonna
have to take my boots off?
- Probably.
- The hell's goin' on?
Sorry, honey. Now that
we're married, you're gonna
have to get used to this.
For some reason,
people tend to think
me and Randy are criminals.
I understand, baby.
Everywhere I go I get
dirty looks too.
- So do I.
- Me too, and it sucks
because we're good people.
Mm-hmm.
You know, it's crazy.
They're so worried about us
stealing stuff.
The whole store
gonna get looted
during Y2K.
- Wait a minute.
There's gonna be lootin'?
- Mm-hmm.
Then why the hell
did we just buy
all this stuff?
I'm gonna return mine
and steal it tomorrow.
Can I loot too, Earl?
There's just so much
I wanna take.
And, plus, I'm still
a little bit upset about
that Larry King verdict.
You know what I'm gonna
loot first? I'm gonna
loot me a Humvee.
Then I'm gonna take all
the other stuff I loot
and put it in my Humvee.
And if somebody tries
to stop me, I'm gonna
drive over 'em in my Humvee.
And I also want
a new pair of sandals.
Hey, Darnell, if all
the computers break,
does that mean we won't
have criminal records anymore?
Yep. It'll be cool.
Your whole slate's
gonna be wiped clean.
I'd like a clean slate.
Mine's filthy.
Mine too.
Oh, my God!
We're missin' it.
- Ten--
- [ All ] Nine, eight--
You know, this Y2K
thing can be good for us.
The whole deck's
gonna be reshuffled.
Maybe we won't be on the bottom.
[ All ]
Three, two,
one!
[ Blowing Horns ]
[ Electrical Pop, Whirring ]
[ Tape: Distorted Audio ]
[ Whispers ]
It's happening.
[ Earl Narrating ]
What we didn't know then was
that Donny Jones's sister...
liked to screw two things:
truckers
and the electric company.
Come on, guys!
Let's do this!
The Year Zero
is gonna be ours.
- [ Explosion ]
- That's probably
the power plant.
[ Rapid Explosions ]
Sounds like
machine-gun fire.
[ Earl Narrating ]
What we didn't know
was that every year...
Camden County had
a New Year's fireworks show.
We'd never seen it
because we were usually
passed out by 9:00.
- Y'all, that sounds
like grenades.
- Grenades?
The other looters have grenades?
I only have this bat.
I could hit a grenade
with the bat, but only
if you put it on a tee.
Maybe we should loot
in the mornin'.
[ Earl Narrating ] Once the sun
came up and the other looters
ran out of grenades,
we were excited to finally
get our chance to steal
everything we ever dreamed of.
Where is everybody?
We've gone 10 blocks
and haven't seen a soul.
Maybe they're hiding.
Marco! Marco!
We're not in
the damn pool, you idiot.
Olly, Olly, oxen free!
I'm gettin' a little
buggy here.
Maybe Randy was right.
Maybe the computers did rise up
and kill everybody.
I think you're right.
Where are the bodies?
The computers are
using them for fuel.
Hey, wait!
[ Earl ]
Hurry up!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Realizing we might be...
the only people left on Earth
in Year Zero freaked us out.
What we didn't know was
there was a reason why
the streets were so empty.
[ Cheering ]
We were always so drunk
from the night before,
we were never awake to know
there was a parade on
New Year's Day.
Well, I guess that's it.
I guess the world's over.
I'm so angry at computers
right now.
Well, if
the world's over,
I guess we're gonna
have to start a new one.
Any ideas on how to do that,
because it sounds complicated.
Well, I think we need
to make sure that
the new human race...
is made up of people
of all different colors.
You know, by stirrin' up
the meltin' pot.
I call "president."
Yeah, me too.
I call "president" too.
We can't have two presidents.
Says who?
Says me and I-I'm
the president.
- One of them.
- Guys, we're not
gonna have a president.
But if we were,
I'd be the president.
Don't talk to me.
[ Earl Narrating ]
While we were tryin' to figure
out the rest of our lives,
Catalina was runnin' for hers.
[ Shouting ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
As bummed out as we were
about Y2K ending the world,
we were also excited
to go shopping.
Being the last people
on Earth had its advantages.
There was no one at
the register, so everything
was in our price range.
Plus, there was no other
shoppers grabbin' stuff...
out of our carts
when we weren't lookin'.
- You guys ready to get
out of here?
- Not me. I'm staying forever.
You're gonna live in
the store? Earl, he's
gonna live in the store.
- I can live wherever
I want.
- Yeah. We rule the world now.
I may move to Florida
if Y2K hasn't snapped
it off in the ocean.
Earl, can we live
in the store too, please?
Can we?
I guess. It is
bigger than the trailer...
and we wouldn't have to
load this crap in the car.
- Okay. I claim the TV section.
- Oh, hold on.
You can't do that.
What are you gonna do,
call the police? They're dead.
I can do whatever I want...
- and I claim this section.
- Why the hell's it your section
and not my section?
"A," because you're pregnant
and can't fight,
and, "B," because
I got here first.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Suddenly, we all realized...
if there was somethin'
we wanted for our own,
we had to be the first one
to get there.
[ Grunting ]
[ Clattering ]
So we all claimed
our piece of paradise.
Joy took the beauty products
and pharmacy aisle.
[ Air Hissing ]
Help! Help! The machine's
got me! Y2K! Y2K!
[ Beeping ]
Never mind. I scared it.
It let go.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Darnell seemed happy
in his section.
Oh, I get it.
My finger's his wiener.
And I found a section
that was my own
little slice of heaven.
Everyone started out
pretty happy with our
little arrangement,
but eventually, people
began to have needs
outside their aisles.
- Hey, baby.
- Oh! Hey, hubby!
Hey, look on the back of that
box and tell me how long
to keep these bleach trays in.
Joy, it says you're not
supposed to use these
if you're pregnant.
Says the stupid government--
which is dead.
There's no more rules
anymore, Earl.
I could put the stuff
in my eyes if I wanted to--
make the white parts whiter.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doin'?
- My stomach hurts.
I think I ate too many
cookie insides.
You can't just come in
and take my stuff
without askin'.
But we're married.
It's our stuff.
I don't think so.
I'm a separate accounts
kind of woman.
If you want something,
you're gonna have to
give me something for it.
You want three bags
of slightly licked
outsides of cookies?
I want a TV.
How am I supposed to get you
a TV? I live in Snack Foods.
Figure it out.
- Hey, Donny, what
can I trade you for a TV?
- Give me your wife.
I'm not givin' you my wife.
Pick a snack food.
Marshmallow Fluff--
smeared on your wife.
- Donny.
- Okay.
I'll give you a TV,
but you gotta owe me
one favor--
and I get to ask for that
favor anytime I want...
and you can't say "no"
and you can't ask
what the favor's gonna be.
Is the favor givin' you
my wife?
- Yep.
- Forget it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
While Donny Jones
was hard to negotiate with,
he was easy to fool.
Oh, so there's crime now.
[ Laughs ]
[ Machinery Popping ]
- What the hell
are you doin'?
- You took my TV!
I saw it on TV.
I know we can go
and fish and hunt.
Who's my good dog?
Who's my good boy? You are.
- [ Barks ]
- [ Screams ]
- Yeah, I took one.
But you got 16 left.
- Thief!
- What the hell is goin' on?
- Shut up! You belong to me now.
You're not gettin'
my wife, Donny.
Earl!
Ow! Donny!
Earl?
[ Groans ]
Oh, snap! You killed
your own brother!
I claim the toy section!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Things had gotten
out of control...
and it was gonna take a lot
more than frozen peas to fix
the problems in our new world.
What the hell's the matter
with us? How can we start
a whole new world...
if we can't even get
through a day without...
having a tennis ball
and pumpkin pie filling war.
It's 'cause we ain't got
no damn rules. We need to figure
a way to settle this fightin'.
I know. We institute
a scalpin' policy.
Whenever two people argue,
they both get scalped.
Randy, where are you goin'?
We're makin' important
decisions here.
- Randy, I'm talkin' to you.
- I say we scalp him.
- We're not scalpin' him.
- We could cut off his ear.
You know what? Maybe buildin'
a new world's too much.
We're just a bunch
of low-life criminals.
No wonder everybody
gives us dirty looks
all the time.
We don't have to
argue anymore.
We can use this.
- The hell is that?
- It's a take-a-number thingy.
Ooh! Like they have
at the free clinic.
We just take a number. Whenever
we have to make a decision,
the next number decides.
That way there won't be
wars in our new world.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Funny thing. It took
a smack to the head...
to finally knock
some sense into one of us.
While Randy was helping us
get to a better place,
a guy named Pablo was helping
Catalina do the same thing.
License and registration.
Right away we knew
we were onto something
with the take-a-number machine.
Whenever we would disagree,
we went straight to the numbers.
Whoever had the lowest number
got their way.
The number thingy
really helped us get along.
We stopped arguin'
and started havin' fun.
Our new society
was really comin' together.
We were the best
we'd ever been.
- To us.
- [ All ] To us!
And to Randy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Good job finding that
"pull-a-piece-of-paper-
with-a-number-printed-on-it...
out-of-the-big-red-
plastic-thingy."
You know what kind
of thinkin' that was?
The kind of thinkin'
a president does.
- But we don't have
any presidents.
- Well, maybe we need one.
All in favor of Randy
bein' president--
President.
That means
I'm on top.
[ Earl Narrating ]
By bedtime, we were exhausted,
but mostly, we were proud.
Thanks to Randy's
ticket machine,
we had done good on our
first day of runnin' the world.
If people were still alive
to see us,
they sure wouldn't
have been givin' us
dirty looks that night.
Hey, Mr. President.
[ Randy ]
Yeah, Earl?
How's it feel
to be on top?
I don't like it.
It's too high up here.
Will you switch with me?
Sure, Randy.
So, we all went to sleep...
proud of ourselves
and looking forward to what
the next day would bring.
[ Chattering ]
Biscuit!
[ Earl Narrating ]
But, unfortunately,
the next day brought shoppers...
ready to take advantage
of Bargain Bag's
January 2 Sale.
Turns out the world
wasn't over like we thought.
The deck wasn't reshuffled
and we were still on the bottom.
Nothin' had changed
at all.
Unfortunately,
our new world was over,
but a new world was just
beginning for Catalina...
who finally made it
to America.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Dibs.
What?
Aw, it doesn't matter.
She's gone.
[ Earl Narrating ]
So, six years later,
Bargain Bag still needed
their take-a-number machine,
and no matter how Randy felt,
I still needed to give it
back to 'em.
It's my turn, Earl.
I get to choose.
Randy, look.
That number machine means
something to all of us,
but if we keep it,
then we're just crooks
who stole a number machine.
That's not what
that day was about.
But we were on top.
I liked bein' on top.
Don't worry, Randy.
If we just keep doin'
the things on my list,
we'll be back on top
before you know it.
[ Earl Narrating ]
And even though we're
still looked down upon today,
I'm confident that,
one day, we won't be.
One day we will be seen
as the perfect people we were
on that one perfect day.
Ma'am.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Of course, for some of us,
that might take till "Y3K."