My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 18 - Dad's Car - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was nice to see Joy
so happy to be with her kids.



That's because
they were leavin' her
alone for a week,

goin' with Crab Man
to stay at his mom's.

Thank you, babies.
You boys leavin'
for a whole week...

is the best Mother's Day gift
a mom could ask for.

Here's some extra
spending money.
Can you empty it out now?

I need the jar for Mr. Turtle
so I don't have to buy him
a seat on the bus.

Oh, yeah.
Here you go.

Bye, boys.

We promise not to call,
Mommy.

Oh, wouldn't answer
if you did.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Joy's idea
of a great Mother's Day...

was havin' a week
of not bein' a mother.

And who could blame her?
Being a mom is hard.

Who the hell thinks
it's all right to put
Mr. Turtle in the toilet?



Who the hell thinks it's okay
to paint a peanut-butter-
and-jelly mural on my wall?

Who the hell--

[ Gagging ]

Damn it. Who keeps putting
Mr. Turtle in the toilet?

-I didn't know it was
Mother's Day tomorrow. Did you?
-No, I forgot.

You gonna do somethin'
for your mom, Catalina?

- My mother is dead.
- I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.
It was either her or me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I felt bad we forgot
about Mother's Day,

'cause this wasn't the first
time we had to scramble at
the last minute to get a gift.

Back when we were kids,
all we had to do was wait
for someone...

smaller, weaker
and more prepared
for Mother's Day.

Let go of me!
We knew we'd find
somethin' good...

'cause Kenny's backpack
was the same place we did
our Christmas shoppin'.

[ Gasps ]
Oh. Did you wrap this?

It's so pretty.
I hate to tear it up.
Let's save that for another day.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my.

Oh, Carl, look what
the boys made.

It's a little coupon book.

"Clean the house for Mom.
Do the dishes for Mom.

Breakfast in bed for Mom."

Oh. You know, I'm gonna
use this one right now.
[ Giggles ]

I like marmalade
on my toast.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Stolen coupons
sure made Mom happy,

until she realized we'd never
let her cash any of 'em in.

- Those little jerks aren't
comin' back, are they?
- Nope.

What are you doin'?
I'm puttin' Mom
on the list.

[ Sighs ]
Number 266-- never gave Mom
a good Mother's Day.

Can I write this one, Earl?
I wanna practice cursive again.

If you do something
for your mom, won't you
have to see your dad?

- I thought he hates you.
- He does.

But I won't have
to deal with Dad.
Tomorrow's all about Mom.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Meanwhile, Joy was preparing
to enjoy her Mother's Day.

Here. Just keep
bringing me drinks.

But make sure I have enough
money to grab myself a Kit Kat
and chalupa on the way home.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The next morning, we snuck
into my parents' house...

to surprise Mom
with a Mother's Day
breakfast in bed.

[ Rattling ]
Shh!

What we didn't know
at the time was my parents
heard someone breakin' in,

and Dad was tryin' to remember
the combination to his gun safe.

Try your birthday again.
I already tried
my birthday, Kay.

When's our anniversary?

You don't know
our anniversary?
[ Sighs ]

This is exactly what
I meant the other day
when I was talkin' about...

how you live in this
Carl bubble, and the rest
of the world--

Now, Kay? Really?
We're gonna do this now?

May 3.
Oh.

[ Clattering ]
No. When's your birthday?

[ Whispering ]
I can't wait
to see her face.

- [ Screams ]
- Happy Mother--
[ Groans ]

- [ Dishes Shatter ]
- Oh.

Hey, Randy.
Hey, Dad.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After we explained we were there
to give Mom a good Mother's Day,

she was thrilled.
Look what I found.

I can't believe
you still have this.

These coupons are,
like, 20 years old.

"Participate in Hands Across
America with Mom."

[ Earl Narrating ] And so we
spent the day doin' what we
should've done a long time ago--

let Mom cash in
all her coupons.

Like "Plant flowers with Mom."

Hey, look, Earl.
Somebody buried
a pair of shoes.

Randy, hold on--
Yuck!
It's a cat skeleton.

I should name him Crackers
after our cat that used
to sleep in the street.

[ Earl Narrating ]
"Take a portrait with Mom."

[ Shutter Clicking ]

We even did the coupons
that seemed a little strange
now that we were adults.

Like "Take a bath
without bein' asked."

This is fun, Earl.
I miss bein' a kid.

You sure there's not
room in there for both of us
if you just kind of move over--

I'm sure, Randy.

[ Projector Whirring ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Our day was goin' great.

And so far, I had managed
to avoid dealin' with Dad--

until Mom cashed in her
"Watch home movies" coupon.

Hey, Earl, it's that ramp
you built for our bikes.

Out of the leaf from
my mahogany dining table.

Aw.

Oh, look. Thanksgiving.

- Oh, I should've gotten
a smaller bird.
- [ Sighs ]

Look. There's that
old car that you bought.

[ Carl Chuckles ]
Look at me smiling.

I had absolutely no idea
that my 11-year-old son...

would drive that car
into the lake
only two months later.

Oh, watching these movies,
it just amazes me...

how you always had a way
of ruining everything.

Dad, I didn't ruin
everything, okay?

And that was the end
of our home movies.

Come on, Dad.
We're just tryin' to
have a good time here.

I'm sorry, Mom.
I wanted this to be
a perfect day.

I just-- I just wish
you two could get along.

You know what you should do?
You should do somethin'
on that list for your father.

- Yeah, I--
Mom, I've tried to. He--
- Well, try again.

You know what? I've got
one coupon left, Earl,
and it says "Mother's choice."

Which means that I get to pick
whatever I want, and I want you
to do something for your dad.

Mom, Dad hates me.

Oh, hate's a strong word.
Kay, I remembered
the combination--

3-14-89. It's the day
Earl moved out.

How about number 42--
cut holes in all of Dad's
shirts to show his nipples.

No, his nipples have drooped
down like six inches, so that
one kind of crosses itself off.

- Now I wait.
- How long do you
have to wait?

[ Traps Snapping ]
Not long.

All right, we gotta
do one of these.
I promised Mom.

How about number 108--
lost Dad's Mustang.

He was pretty mad
when he saw it in
that home movie today.

Maybe I should do that one.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But that car didn't have
to be dragged out of a lake...

like I told my dad
all those years ago.

- I lost it another way.
- [ Pounding ]

[ Revs ]

Is that thing fast?
You bet your ass
it's fast.

Fastest car in
Camden County.

- Bet my dad's
Mustang's faster.
- [ Scoffs ]

We've never seen him drive it,
but he says it's really fast.

Yeah, little man?

You wanna put your money
where your little mouth is, huh?

Race for pink slips?
Huh? Huh? You scared?

You better be,
'cause I'm Billy Reed.

You know how many girls
I've had sex with?

Four.

[ Earl Narrating ] That day
I learned I had trouble
backin' down from a challenge.

Come on, Randy.
Let's go get Dad's car.

See you at
the drag strip, peewee.

Who was the fourth girl?

I counted Tricia twice
'cause I got her with
and without her back brace on.

[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Less than
an hour later, I was about
to have my first drag race ever.

Whoo! Jackie!
Kick his ass, brother!

You shouldn't smoke.

We watched a cartoon
at school where an owl told us
that it was really bad for you.

It killed the owl's father
at the end of the cartoon.

Do I look like
a damn owl to you?

Okay, Patty,
we're ready!

- [ Engine Revving ]
- You ready, peewee?

Let's do this.

[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
As fast as that Mustang
might've been,

it didn't change the fact
that at 11 years old...

I didn't know how
to get out of first gear.

[ Grunts ]
[ Gears Grinding ]

At the time, the thought
of my dad confronting
Billy was humiliating,

so I lied and told him
I drove his car into a lake.

But now it was time
to get it back.

Earl Hickey.
All growed up.

Yeah, listen, I need
to get that Mustang back.
How much do you want for it?

[ Scoffs ]
I don't sell cars--
I race 'em.

We race 'em. Whoo!

Jack--
[ Coughing ]
Jackie!

[ Coughing Continues ]

That's just how that owl's dad
coughed in the cartoon...

before he fell out of the air
and broke his neck.

He's lucky
he's not flying.

That's a sweet El Camino
you rode up in.

You want that Mustang back,
I'll give you a rematch.

The 'Stang verses your Camino.
Mano "Y" mano.

I don't want to race,
Billy.

Besides, the Mustang
looks like it hasn't
been started in years.

Hey, Earl, there's a long,
skinny dog lyin' down
in the backseat.

Oh, wait. He's standing up.
He just doesn't have any legs.

Maybe it's a snake.
Do snakes have hair?

They do when
they're ferrets.
You scared?

Is that it, growed up Earl?
You scared I'll take
another car off you? Huh?

You scared? You should be,
'cause I'm Billy Reed.

[ Chuckles ]
You know how many girls
I've had sex with?

Five.

Randy, get in the car.
We'll see you
at the drag strip.

Ed, put the tires on
the Mustang, get that hairy
snake out of the backseat.

- We got ourselves a race.
- [ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Less than
an hour later, I was about to
have my second drag race ever.

And with her kids
still out of town,
Joy hadn't stopped partying.

[ Slurred ]
Hey, dummy.

I heard y'all was out here
racin', so I fit it in to
my Mother's Day week schedule.

This is so
the police don't know
I'm out here drinkin'.

[ Kisses ]

- [ Engine Starts ]
- Let's do this!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And although the cars had
a lot of miles on 'em by now,

Patty had even more.
All right, let's get
this show on the road!

I got an appointment with a guy
who likes to suck on my feet.

First car to pass
the blue mailbox wins!
Let's do this!

Whoo, Jackie!

Whoo! Who's Jackie?

[ Shouts ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
We were neck and neck until we
got both cars up to about 30.

[ Engines Sputter ]
Then they quit on us.

Oh!

[ Backfires ]

Ed! Get up here
and push!

- Go, Ed! go!
- Randy, come on and push!
Come on!

Go, Ed!
[ Earl ] So the race
turned out to be...

less about horsepower
and more about brother power.

- Come on, Randy!
You can do it!
- Come on, Ed!

- Push!
- [ Coughing ]

You got it, Randy!
We're almost there!

[ Coughing Continues ]

- I told you to give up
those cigarettes, Ed!
- [ Coughing Continues ]

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Earl Narrating ]
And I had more brother power.

We did it, Randy!
[ Panting ]

Yeah, Randy!

I won, Billy!
The car is mine.

Fine. You get the car.
But it was a close race.
I still got my dignity.

Hey, Billy! Is it okay
if I cancel your appointment
to suck my feet?

I'm just not
feelin' it anymore.

[ Earl Narrating ] After over
20 years of lyin' to my dad
about what happened to his car,

it was time
to tell him the truth.

It's not Mother's Day
anymore, Earl.
Come back next year.

No, w-w-wait, Dad.
I'm here for you. Look.

I didn't lose your car
in a lake.

I lost it in a race,
but I just won it back.

Now I can cross you off
my list like Mom wanted.

- My car?
- Yeah, your Mustang.

Idiot, that car wasn't for me.
That was going to be your car
when you turned 16.

- What?
- Yep.

So I guess I'm not the one
who should be on that list.

"Lost my own car
because I'm an idiot."

I can't believe
I lost my own car.

Hey, look at this one,
number 67--
ran over Crackers.

Hey, what kind of crackers
did you run over, saltines?

I bet it made
a crunchy sound.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Findin' out the car I lost
was supposed to be for me...

put me in a situation
I'd never faced before.

I'm on my own list.
What the hell am I
supposed to do about this?

Can't you just forgive yourself
and cross it off?

I don't want to forgive myself.
My life would've been a lot
better if I had that Mustang.

I wouldn't have lost
my virginity in a public bus.

And I wouldn't have
had to watch.

[ Slurred ]
Hey, dummies.

What, are you guys-- Probably
sittin' here sayin' stupid
stuff? Doin' stupid stuff?

[ Laughing ]

I'm gonna fix up that car.

Really?
Yeah.
Why shouldn't I?

Everybody else on the list
makes me do somethin' for them.

Why should I be any different?
I'm gonna pay myself back.

Come on, Randy.

Hey. Hold on.
I'm gonna come too.
Hold on.

Maybe you should
drive her home.
I don't know. She might be okay.

Damn it. Who threw
their drink at me?

I'll drive her home.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So while Randy
got Joy home safe,

I went to my parents' house
to fix up the car that should've
been mine 20 years ago.

What the hell are you doing?

Mom said I could
fix the car here.

I can't work on a car
at the motel.

Every time you slide under,
somebody tries to steal
your shoes.

- I told you
I don't want the car.
- I'm not doin' this for you.

I-I-I lost myself a car.
I owe myself a car.

- I'm doin' this for me.
- Yeah, well, fixin' a car
is a lot of work.

So let me know when you give up,
and I'll call the junkyard.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was gonna be hard work.

But this was the list,
so quittin' wasn't an option.

See? I told you.
I drove just fine.

Oh, I drove. You were
steering with a paper plate
in the passenger seat,

but you did get
a couple of the turns right.

Randy, do you wanna
spend the night tonight?

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was an odd request.

Randy had never thought
of Joy in that way.

I'm lonely, Randy.

I don't think I can
go a whole week.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So that night,
Randy gave her what she needed.

[ Banging ]

And much to Randy's surprise,

the next morning
when Joy was sober,
she was hungry for more.

So much more that
they didn't even notice...

when Darnell and the kids
came home early.

Joy?

Hey, boys!
Welcome home!

Cool. A sheet fort.

- [ Together ]
Cool!
- Come get in!

[ Earl Narrating ]
You see, what Joy couldn't go
a week without was her kids.

Randy playing with that toy
plane made her realize how much
she missed bein' a mom.

How much she missed
someone innocent around
to liven up the house.

Someone who needed her
to take care of him.

Someone to have fun with.

Because no matter how far
she sent her boys away,
she was still a mom.

There was no forgettin' it.
And she didn't want to.

And the next morning,
I was still making headway
on the Mustang.

At least I thought I was.

You're putting
a 1970 carburetor
on a '65?

It'll fit.
Oh, sure, it'll fit.

That size four dress'll fit
your mother, but I wouldn't
take her out in it.

That's a matching numbers
car there.

Well, it's gonna have to work
'cause it's all I have.

Where is this from?

1965.
Just put it on there.

Go on.

That's it.
That's it. Easy.

No, no, no, no.
You gotta hold it down even
so you don't cross the threads.

Go to the cabinet,
get the throttle plate.
We're gonna need that next.

Go. You know what
a throttle plate looks like,
don't you?

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] When I saw
all those Mustang parts my
father bought over 20 years ago,

I realized this wasn't
just a car my dad
had planned on givin' me.

It was a car he had planned on
us rebuildin' together.

[ Ratchet Clicking ]

So that's what we did.

Over the next couple days,
we got talkin' less
about car parts...

and more about other things.
So I was supposed
to be named Carl?

Yep, after me.

But on your birth certificate--

I've always sucked at cursive,
so I put an extra loop
on the "C."

So the "C" looked like an "E,"
and here you are-- Earl Hickey.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And before I knew it, I was
havin' somethin' with my dad...

I never had before--
a conversation.

And we kept on havin' 'em
for the next two weeks,
until the car was finished.

Looks great, huh?
It sure does.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then it came to me.

What I had cheated myself
out of, all those years ago,
wasn't a car.

It was a chance
to have some quality time
with my dad.

And now that I got that,
I could cross myself
off my list.

[ Sighs ]

Well, here you go.

Now, the paint's
not totally dry,

so don't let Randy
slide across the hood
like he always wants to.

Hmm.

Maybe I should
just keep it here.

Here? Why would you
want to do that?

Well, the motel's no place
to store a nice car like this.

Plus, you'd get
to drive it too.

Let's go take her
for a ride.
Mm-hmm.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Some people might think...

that leavin' that car
with my dad
was an unselfish act.

But I wasn't doin' it
for him.

That car was
the first good memory
my dad and I had together,

and I didn't want him
to forget it.

[ Sighs ]

What the hell?

Somebody put a damn
snake-dog back here!
[ Ferret Chittering ]

Don't touch
the ferret, Patty!
[ Shouting ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Patty, don't touch
the ferret!