My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 17 - Didn't Pay Taxes - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ TV: Chattering ]



[ Earl Narrating ]
The nice thing about the list
being my only job...

is that I get to set
my own work schedule.

Unfortunately, I don't
get to set Catalina's.

Catalina, how much longer
you gonna be
with that vacuum?

It's making the TV
scratchy.

Maybe I'd be done faster if
there weren't clothes
everywhere.

I told you I'd help pick up
after I watch the show.

I just want to make sure Sigmund
gets away from that big purple
puppet with-- Go, go, go, go.

What's that?

It's a paycheck from
Rotman Construction
made out to Randy.

Randy who?
Randy me?

Those are my pants. Is it
Randy me? I think it's Randy me.
Is it Randy me?

Yeah. It's Randy you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes when me and Randy
were low on funds,



we'd work a few days
doing odd jobs.

I don't know why
people complain
about this asbestos stuff.

[ Sniffs ]
It doesn't smell so bad.

Doing great, guys!

Here's your checks
and your 1099 form.

Our what form?

So you can pay your taxes.

How long are these good for?
There's no "explanation"
date on it.

I-- I-- I think I have to
add "cheated the government"
to my list.

I need to
pay the government
the taxes I owe 'em.

What for?
Government doesn't do
anything for us.

And besides,
haven't you given them
enough money in your life?

[ Earl Narrating ] It was true.
Over the years, I had given
the government a ton of dough.

Speeding in a school zone.
Seventy-five dollars.

Public urination.
Sixty dollars.

In a school zone.
Eighty-five.

Knocking all the orange cones
down on the freeway
with my car door.

Thirty-three dollars.
Dropping melons off
a water tower.

Cantaloupes or honeydews?
It was a mix.

- Forty-four.
- [ Cash Register Bell Dings ]

The government's got
plenty of money.
They don't need your taxes.

It's on my list.
But you just put it on.

If you rub it real quick, it'll
smudge off, but you have to
do it now before the ink sets.

Do it now, Earl.
Earl, do it now.
Ah, the ink is set.

Sorry. I gotta pay taxes.

So does that mean
if I cash this check
I have to pay taxes too?

I'm not gonna tell you
what to do with your money.

You're a grown man.
I think you know
the right thing to do.

I think I do.

I feel so alive!

[ Earl Narrating ] I was
a little disappointed Randy
decided not to pay his taxes,

but I was happy he bought
his first motorized
transportation.

Even if it did have pedals.

Check it out, Earl.
I got it up to 23 miles per--

[ Insect Buzzes ]
[ Coughing ]

Swallow another bug?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since paying my taxes
was the right thing to do,

I headed down to
the government offices to
give them the money I owed,

so I could
cross them off my list.

Hello.

What can I do for you?

Well, a couple years ago,
I made some money
I didn't pay taxes on.

I think
this should cover it.

Did we send you a form
saying this money
was required?

No.
Then we're not expecting it,
and we can not accept it.

Next.
But--

Next.
I--

Next.
You gonna say that
every time--

Next.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It's bad enough figuring out
how to pay your taxes...

when the government wants
your money,

but how are you
supposed to pay 'em
when they don't?

Lucky for me,
I had a suggestion
for the government,

and they had a box
for me to put it in.

I thought
me and the government were even,

but a few days later
I found out I was wrong.

Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crab Man.

Hey. Government sent you
a letter to the trailer.

That's a cool moped, Randy.
Looks like a motorcycle
had sex with a bicycle.

Thanks. You should get one too,
and then we could
start a moped gang.

We'll call it Salt and Pepper.
You know, 'cause we both like
salt and pepper on our fries.

Cool.
Oh, man.

- What's the matter?
- The government sent me
my check back.

This letter says
they don't have a record
of me owing 'em $500.

Earl, if the government's
trying to give you money
you don't want,

give it over here
because they owe me anyway.

- For what?
- Slave reparations.

Government promised
40 acres and a mule.

Between Darnell and Earl Jr.,
we're due, like, 60 acres
and a couple mules.

Or at least a Jet Ski
or something.

Actually, my family
immigrated from Canada.

Canada?
Mm-hmm.

Look. When the government
comes around with all the mules,
please let me do the talkin'.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While Darnell and Joy
figured out...

what they were gonna do
with their 60 acres
and a Jet Ski,

I tried to figure out
how to get the government
off my list.

I don't know, Earl.
You tried to do the right thing.
Isn't that enough?

No, it's not, Randy.
I should've done the right thing
in the first place.

Now I need to figure out
how to make it right.

- I don't know how
you're gonna do--
- [ Crash ]

You all right?
Yeah.

Stupid pothole tripped me.
Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Randy, why don't you
sit down for a minute.

I am sittin'.

Oh.

When'd you grow a mustache?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Hittin' that pothole may have
knocked the sense out of Randy,

but it gave me
a pretty good idea.

- Oh, hey, Officer.
- Drop the weapon.

Uh, it's just a shovel.

What have you done?
You bury a body in there?

Body?
It's a five-inch hole.

Is it a baby body?
Oh, crap.

Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
Baby killer.

No, no, no, no, no.
Just take a breath.

Everything's cool.
I'm just filling in
a pothole.

Trying to pay back
the government
some money I owe 'em.

Thank God.
[ Sighs ]

Thought I was gonna
have to dig up a baby.

[ Sighing ]
So listen up.

You're gonna have to
dig up that pothole.

Dig it up?
That's right.

Potholes can only be filled by
authorized government workers.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I started to get
a little frustrated.

Between the right forms
and the right workers,

the government doesn't
make it easy
to pay 'em back.

But then I got an idea.

While I might not be
an authorized government worker,

I did know
a group of people who were.

You might wanna
go back to the motel.
This is gonna take a while.

What are you
gonna do, Earl?
Pay my taxes.

Excuse me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I told the guard I had a debt
to society I needed to repay.

Since he had shot one of
the prisoners who tried to
escape earlier that morning,

he was shorthanded
and happy for the help.

[ Man ]
Earl Hickey?
[ Laughs ]

What are you doin' here?
What's up, Hank?

I'm just volunteering
for the afternoon. I'm trying
to pay back the government.

I once tried to give
a little payback
to the government.

I kidnapped the mailman
and forced him
to eat the PennySaver.

Yeah. I read about that
in the next week's PennySaver.

Uh, you might want to slow down.

If it looks like you're
in really good shape, someone's
gonna try and buy you from me.

Can't slow down, Hank.
I'm only here for the day.

Oh, yeah. That's right.
Too bad.
Tomorrow's the talent show.

The white supremacists
are doing a scene from Grease.

[ Crow Squawking ]
[ Grunts ]

Hey. Let's wrap it up.

Single file,
everyone on the bus.

On the bus.

Oh, no, no.
I'm-- I'm not one of them.

Sure you're not.

Wait. Wh-Where'd
that other guard go?

No. Hey! I'm not one of 'em!
I-- I'm really not
supposed to be here.

A-Ask Hank.
Tell him I'm just volunteerin'.

No, man. He's not
supposed to be here.
I'm not either.

This is my chance.
We can both get out.

We're both volunteers.
No. Hank.

We're both volunteers.
[ All Chattering ]

Anybody wanna volunteer
to get shot?

- [ Engine Starts ]
- Yeah. That's more like it.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Prisoners, face your cells.
Toes on the line.

[ Earl Narrating ] The problem
with being mistakenly
incarcerated is that...

when it comes time for you
to go to your cell,
you don't have one.

- [ Buzzer Buzzes ]
- Let's go.

I don't have anywhere to go.
I keep telling you.
I'm not supposed to be here.

Maybe you're supposed
to be in solitary.
Is that what you saying?

No, no, no.
That's not what I'm saying.
Yeah.

You don't understand.
This is all one big mistake.

Hey. I'm not supposed
to be here. My name--

Hey. I'm Earl Hickey.
I was just tryin'
to pay back--

If you would just
call my brother.
He-- He can explain.

Uh, c-could I get wheat toast?
The white gives me
a little bit of--

Grape jelly?

Can you empty my bucket?

I'm not hungry.

Turns out
Mr. Wheat Toast Grape Jelly
is a free man.

Next time, speak up.

Let somebody know
you're not supposed to be here.

Wait. Wait.
I'm not supposed to be here.

I just want to give them back
their stupid money.
I can't believe this.

I don't know why
you're having so much trouble.

I mean, they're all the time
taking money from me.

Just last week I paid $20
for speeding in a school zone.

Hey. You paid 75
for that, Earl.
How come you only paid 20?

'Cause I brushed my license
against his knobby
when I handed it to him.

That's it.
That's how I can
pay back the money.

You're gonna
brush something against
the government's knobby?

No. I'll just go out
and do something bad,

and the government'll
fine me for it.

Hey. I know how. You paint
a big fake train tunnel
on the rock outside of town.

You'd get fined for that.
Plus maybe coyotes
would run into it.

- Or roadrunners.
- That'd be funny.

- Beep, beep.
- Yeah. Beep, beep.

- Beep, beep.
- Beep, beep.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Having done this before,

I knew that the two of us
trespassing together on this
old, abandoned water tower...

would cost us
$500 in fines.

It made perfect sense.

My whole life, the government
only paid attention to me when
they thought I was being bad.

So I had no choice.
I was gonna be bad.

We knew from experience
that it was windy at the top.

So we came prepared.

Now what?
We just wait to get caught.

It's been, like, hours.

Hello!
We're trespassin' up here.

Hello!

It's never taken us
this long to get
busted before.

I'm bored.
You wanna wrestle?

Seems kind of dangerous
all the way up here.

Yeah, but we have our ropes.

[ Grunts ]

Hey, Earl. Who am I?

First guy to land
on the moon?

No. The astronaut guy
on all the MTV commercials.

Hey. The helicopter's
coming back.

Hey!

Hey! Over here!
Over here!

Over here! Hey!

[ Creaking ]

[ Screaming ]

Randy. Randy,
open your eyes.

There's no water in
the water tower. Why don't
they just call it a tower?

I can't believe
we fell through the roof.

They should put a sign
out front warning people.

Earl, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry. Someone
will notice our car
and come lookin' for us.

Okay, Randy.

I'm gonna
climb my own rope
all the way to the top.

Once I'm secure up there,
I'm gonna tie my rope off,

use the leverage
to pull you up by your rope.

- Okay.
- All right.

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

Too bad Coach Gebhardt isn't
here to call you a girl and
throw basketballs at your face.

That'd get you up there.

Hey. I got two candy bars
in my pocket.

Randy.
Why'd you drop it?

Because you didn't tell me
you were gonna throw it.

Give me half of that one.
No.

Ra-- Give it to me.
No.

Get over here.

Randy, spit it out.

Randy.

[ Groaning ]
Spit it out.

[ Groaning ]

Mine's the one
in the wrapper, Randy.

[ Grunts ]

Damn it, Randy!

That was our only food.

What are we gonna do, Earl?

Just hang here
until someone finds us.

[ Randy Snoring ]

[ Randy Snoring ]

I spy with my little eye
something that is--

Is it a candy bar again?

Yeah.

[ Randy ]
We're gonna die in here,
aren't we?

[ Earl ]
No.

Maybe.

Probably.

I can't believe this.
[ Randy ]
I'm sorry.

It's my fault the jumping broke
the roof. It's 'cause I don't
bend my knees when I land.

That's what
the dance teacher who came to
football practice told me.

I'm not mad at you, Randy.
I'm mad at the government.

Had they just taken my money
in the first place, we'd never
be down here! [ Echoes ]

Ricola.
[ Echoes ]

Stupid government.
They think I'm bad.

They're the ones
who are bad, Randy.

The tax woman
who wouldn't take my money.

The cop who wouldn't
let me fix the pothole.

The prison guard
who threw me in solitary.

Why'd I ever want to
pay 'em back?

Screw the government.
They never did
anything for us.

Hello. You guys
all right down there?

[ Earl Narrating ] It turned out
the government had been busy
doing something for us.

We just didn't know it.

Willie the mailman brought Joy
a letter saying our car
was towed to the impound yard.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Earl Narrating ] And when Joy
came to the motel to yell at me
for not changing my address yet,

Catalina saw that our car
had been impounded.

She got worried because
she hadn't seen us for days.

So she reported it
to a policeman.

He had to file
a missing persons report,

then went down
to the impound yard
to investigate.

When the police
found out where our car
had been towed from,

they got suspicious
and called a city worker
to come unlock the gate.

[ Chattering ]

And when the city worker
saw me and Randy's ropes
tied to the top of the tower,

they called
the fire department for help.

And that's when I realized...

maybe the government
doesn't always just see people
as bad or good.

Sometimes it just
sees people who need help.

And even if you don't
see the government
workin' for you every day,

it's out there
working for somebody.

And today that somebody
was me and Randy.

Trespassed in a water tower,
damaged a water tower,
urinated in a water tower.

And there were two of us.
$500.

Done.

Well, thank you very much.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That was $500
I was happy to pay.

And when I found out
it cost the government
$4,000 to rescue me,

I offered to write them
another check on the spot,

but they wouldn't take it.

Turns out,
being saved by the government
is free to taxpayers.

Taxpayers like me.

Hey, Earl.
Yeah, Randy?

I'm gonna try and enter
your dream tonight.

What?

I'm gonna concentrate real hard
when I'm falling asleep
and try and enter your dream.

- Why?
- I don't know. Just to see
what you're doin'.

I don't know if I want you
in my dream, Randy.
I mean,

I could be with a lady
or somethin'.

I just wanna stop by. Can't you
concentrate on not being with
a lady just for tonight?

I guess.

I'll concentrate on, uh,

being on a space station
or somethin'.

Thanks. All right.
Good night, Earl.

I'll see you
in a little while.

Damn it.
I was a tugboat again.