My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Professor - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
One of the perks of being
friends with a motel employee...



is gettin' free stuff when
someone checks out for good.

- Somebody die again?
- Yeah. Room 203.
No next of kin.

Either of you guys
wear a size 13?

I'm a 12, but an extra pair
of socks should bridge that gap.

Cool hat.
I'm keepin' this one.

"Lice medicine."

Anybody want this,
or should I throw it away?

- Oh, check this out.
- Hey, a porn machine!

My manager saw that already.
He called dibs.

Ooh.

Dibs on the laptop!

Damn it!
Um-- Uh-- Uh--

- The TV.
- That's the motel's.

Damn it.
Um-- Um-- Um--



Hey, Earl, remember
we had one of these,
but it was gray...

- and all the alphabets
were all mixed up?
- Yeah, I do.

Maybe karma's tryin' to tell me
it's time to take it back.

Number 37--
stole a laptop.

[ Earl Narrating ]
About a year ago, I brought home
a laptop I stole out of a car.

Make that fish thingy
come back.

I don't know how to. I don't
know how to do anything on--
Oh, there it is.

I like that little blue one.
Let's call him Pancho.

I'm gonna type "shark"
and see if a shark
comes out.

Damn it.
It's gone again.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After we picked up
the stolen laptop from Joy's,

we tried to get it
workin' again.

Does it say
who it belongs to?
Says we need a password.

- I'll try "carrot."
- Why "carrot"?

- 'Cause who would think
of "carrot"?
- You did.

You're right.
I'll try "carrot88."
No. "89."

Damn it.
I can only think of things
I can think of.

[ Water Bubbling ]
Earl, the fish.

- The fish are back.
- Is the little blue one there?

There he is.
He went behind
that treasure chest.

Hey, Pancho.
Come on out, buddy.

[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Crash ]

[ Chattering ]

You knocked down
the bus stop.
Yeah, I know, ma'am.

- I'm gonna fix it tomorrow.
- But you knocked down
the bus stop.

I promise,
it'll be fixed tomorrow.

Well, you're not allowed
to knock down the bus stop.
It's a bus stop.

Look, it's on my list. 263--
broke bus stop while looking
for Pancho the blue fish.

Earl, I found it.
The guy's name is on
a sticker on the back.

"Property of
Professor Alex Meyers,
Frostburg State University."

A college?
Oh, man.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't lookin' forward
to drivin' all night...

to a college
and havin' to talk
to an actual professor.

You see, I've never done well
around smart people.

[ Man ]
Earl Hickey,
your word is "knee."

"Knee."
Um, N-E--

- [ Buzzer ]
- [ Crowd Groans ]

"Knee."
K-N-E-E. "Knee."

[ Crowd Applauding ]
The "K" is silent.

- [ Groans ]
- [ Crowd Gasps ]

This is cool--

like when that hobbit
in Rud walked on campus
for the first time.

Frostburg State
University.

Isn't that where
Bullwinkle went to college?

Went to Whatsamatta U.
Lived in Frostbite Falls.

Let's check that building
out over there.

I bet that's where they keep
all the bottles filled
with bubblin' potions.

They might even have
a Frankenstein in there.

Or a smart monkey
who can count
smoked cigarettes.

We're not gonna have
time to find out, Randy.

We're gonna return
this laptop
and get out of here.

Keep your eyes open
for the psychology
department.

It's called Dunkle Hall.

Wait. Didn't we have
an Uncle Dunkle?

Randy?

Randy?

[ Man ]
All-day kegger.

Yeah, bro!
[ Laughs ]

[ People Laughing,
Chattering ]

[ Men Chanting ]
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Randy?
Come on. Let's go.

I never thought
of drinking beer
upside down before.

It tastes the same.
Yeah, but it goes to your brain
before it gets to your livers.

I always thought
a fraternity was just
a bunch of old guys...

riding little bikes
in parades, but this is
way cooler than that.

Can I stay?
Can I please stay?

Fine. But I'm comin'
right back to get you
after I return the laptop.

Who wants to do
a keg stand?

[ People Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy
was making new upside-down
beer drinkin' buddies,

I managed to track down
Professor Meyers's office.

Oh, uh, Professor Meyers.

Tom, come on.
You know you can
call me Alex.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As much trouble as I had
dealin' with smart guys,

I never quite figured out
how to handle smart women.

[ Man ]
Earl Hickey,
your word is "knowledge."

"Knowledge."
N-O--

[ Buzzer ]
[ Crowd Groans ]

"Knowledge."
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E.

- "Knowledge."
- [ Applause ]

The "K" is silent.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Crowd Gasps ]

Double knot.
"Knot" has a "K."
[ Clears Throat ]

"Knot"-- "Knot" has a "K."

The "K" is, uh, silent.

Yeah. Thanks.
I'll remember that next time
I'm in second grade.

[ Laughs, Grunts ]

[ Groaning ]

What's your name?

[ Earl Narrating ] There were
a lot of things making me
nervous about confronting Alex.

Not only was she smart
and pretty, but I knew
from experience she was also...

the type of woman who grabbed
her purse a little tighter
when she saw a guy like me.

[ Screams ]

Here we go.
[ Grunting ]

Ah, that's a bad one.
Both sides.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

I'm just returning
your laptop.
What? God!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
You okay?

No, no, no.
No, no, no. Never mind.
No. Sorry. No rape here.

Great response though.
I feel very safe.
Thank you.

And I promise,
next time I blow that whistle,

it will be for a real rape.

I promise.
Real rape.

Again,
I'm really sorry, Earl.

It's okay. It was probably
just karma giving me...

a little payback
for stealing your computer
in the first place.

So you really made that list
based on a fear of karma?

Yeah, karma's tossed me
around a little.

Tried to kill me.
Hit me with a car.

Earl, karma is
a very complex
Buddhist principle.

It's the totality
of a person's actions...

which determines the fate
of the next stage
of their existence.

Do good things,
and good things happen.

Do bad things,
and bad things happen.

Yeah, I actually like
your definition better.

Is there any way you would
speak at my class?
It would be amazing.

We could put a rat in a cage
and assume he found the cheese
'cause he was hungry,

but what if we could
actually ask the rat
why he found it?

[ Knocking ]

Excuse me.

[ Earl Narrating ] This wasn't
the first time a woman kicked me
in the cherries...

and called me a rat,
but it was the first time
I didn't mind.

I'll be your rat.

Really? Oh, great.
How's tomorrow?
Do you have plans?

Tomorrow?
Nope. Free as a bird.

[ Earl Narrating ]
What I was forgettin'
at the time...

was a promise I had made
to another little lady.

You knocked down the bus stop.
Yeah, I know, ma'am.
I'm gonna fix it tomorrow.

So I guess I'll see you
in class.

Great.

Ooh, God! I'm so sorry.

I don't-- I don't know
who would have
left gum in here.

- Wasn't karma again, was it?
- No, no. Some things
are just accidents.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Blinded by a beautiful woman...

wearin' shoes that make
her calves pop out real nice,

well, I forgot that
in my world, things are
never just accidents.

They happen for a reason.
I had promised to take care
of something on my list--

Stop!
and until I did it, karma was
gonna keep reminding me.

[ People Cheering ]
[ Earl ]
Randy!

Dude, that is
so smart, Earl.

They've figured out
how to put booze in food.

Except you can't eat too many,
or you pass out...

and they write "balls"
on your forehead
in permanent marker.

Listen, Professor Meyers
is a woman.

Is she hot?
She's not just hot.
She's hot and she's smart.

Like a stewardess?
Way smarter.
And she called me interesting.

No woman like that's ever
called me interesting, Randy.

- And I'm speaking
at her class tomorrow.
- We're staying another day?

Awesome! That means
I'm in for the bottle rocket
fight tomorrow.

Hey, everybody,
Pledge Randy's in
for Lolla-Fallujah.

I'm pledging.
That means these guys
are all gonna be my brothers.

But it's not like I have
to get 'em all Christmas
presents or anything.

Maybe we'll have
a Secret Santa.

If we do,
I hope I get Steve.

He's got lots of interests,
and we wear the same size.

Hmm.

I know you all
have a lot of questions,

but let's keep them brief
so we all get a chance
to talk...

to this
fascinating resource,
Mr. Earl Hickey.

- Hello.
- [ All Typing ]

Did you guys type
what I just said?

[ All Typing ]

- This is kinda freakin' me out.
- [ All Typing ]

Okay, guys, how about
we don't take notes...

and just listen to what
Mr. Hickey has to say?

I'm, uh, here to talk
about psychology,

which, as you all know,
is, uh,

the science dealing
with the mind and mental
and emotional...

processes.

Okay, Earl, how about
you tell us about
you and your list...

in your own words?

Okay.
Well, I've been bad.

Really, really bad.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided to just
lay it all out there for 'em.

And their reaction
surprised me a little.

And usually the air force
would shoot you
for doin' that.

But they figured I was
too drunk to remember
what I saw.

But as we all know now,
they were wrong.

[ Laughing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
They were enjoying my stories,
so I kept on tellin' 'em.

Oh, and there was
this other time when I went
to the amusement park--

That's when I realized
Ginsu knives would cut cans
but not bones.

So now I'm stuck
in a trap and bleeding.

[ Students Laughing ]

So, that's when
I made the list.

[ Gasping ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I never had anyone clap for me
before, and I liked it,

even if I wasn't
quite sure what to do.

[ Earl Narrating ] And the fact
that Alex was clapping-- well,
that felt better than anything.

You were amazing.
And-And funny
and-and charming...

and so adorable.

[ Earl Narrating ]
An amazing thing
happened after class.

We just kept walkin'
and talkin'.

And we never ran out
of stuff to say.

It was like one of those movies
where a guy meets a girl...

and they talk and laugh
at each other's stories.

I usually don't watch
movies like that,

but I was starting
to understand why people do.

You know, I have this,
um, lunch tomorrow
for the regents,

and I hate going
to these things alone.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, if I knew
what regents were.

Right now I'm picturing 'em
as dragons.
Yeah, pretty close.

You know, you'd be
my knight in shining armor
if you came with me.

Y-You want me to go?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could do that.

Yeah. I could be your knight.
I'd have to bring my sword.

[ Laughs ]
I didn't mean that dirty.

I-- I'm just--

So, what time is this thing?
It's 2:00.

So,

sure there's nothing
I'm taking you away from?

I'm sure.

Bus!
[ Shouts ]

[ All Shouting ]

So, should I meet you
at your--
Ooh, watch out!

Ow!
Ooh! Oh!

Are you okay?
Yeah.

I don't even know
where this came from.
I--

[ Women Cheering ]

Randy?
[ Horn Honks ]

[ Bell Dings ]
Hey, Earl.

- [ Horn Honks ]
- Randy, I think she likes me.
She asked me to go to a party.

And we talked
and we joked around.
She even touched my arm.

Really?
How'd she do that?

- It feels like she likes you.
- That's what I'm sayin'.

So does this mean
we're gonna stay another night?

- Would you walk away from that?
- No way. I even like
when you do it.

This means I get
to finish pledging.

I was worried you were
gonna want to go home
and fix the bus stop.

The what?
[ Man ]
Watch out!

- [ Gasping ]
- Check it out.
I almost hit Magnum P.I.

That could've killed ya.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's when
it finally hit me--

what karma was trying
to tell me.

The bus stop.
I forgot about the bus stop.

That's what's goin' on, Randy.
I told that lady I would cross
it off my list, and I haven't.

That's why karma's punishing me,
'cause I've been puttin' off
the list to be with Alex.

Maybe I'm supposed
to go and fix the bus stop.

Hey. Uh, sorry.
I forgot to give this
back to you.

Thank you again for today.
See you tomorrow?

- We're stayin'.
- Yes!

Karma can do
whatever it wants to me.

- I can take it.
Alex is worth it.
- [ Man ] Heads up!

- Ow!
- [ People Gasping ]

Still worth it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Although I've had a lot
of cocktails in my life,

I've never actually been
to a cocktail party.

I have to admit,
I was a little nervous.

But the sounds of the fountains
were surprisingly calming.

Shrimp kebab?
How much for two?

They're free.

Free shrimp, huh?
College. Nice.

Well, well.
Don't you look handsome?

Nice outfit.
Thanks. I borrowed it
from a frat brother--

which is why the pants
smell like bong water.

I also found Cheetos
and a Ho Ho in one
of the pockets.

But they have
free shrimp here,
so we're good.

Thank you.

[ People Laughing ]

- [ People Gasping ]
- [ Groans ]
Damn!

Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Nice try, karma.

Excuse me?
Oh, nothing.
I just, uh--

[ Earl Narrating ]
Karma was still mad at me.

But I was willing to take
the punishment.

Although not everyone
was as willing as I was
to take punishment.

Assume the positions.

[ Water Drips ]

You want me to bend over
so you can smack me
with that paddle?

Yeah.

Look, I like drinkin',
and I love ridin' tricycles,

but if someone hits me
with a paddle, I'm gonna
knock 'em on their ass.

- I thought we were friends.
- We are.

But the older brothers did it
to us when we were pledges,

so now it's our turn
to torture somebody.

Well, if you want to get someone
back, why don't you paddle
the guy who paddled you?

Not some poor guys
who didn't do anything
to anyone.

- Hmm.
- Huh.

[ Grunting ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy never thought he'd be
so satisfied...

watching guys spank
each other on the ass.

But as it turns out, he was.

And that's basically
how you get a ballpoint pen
out of your neck.

[ Bird Chirping ]

Ew-- Uh--
Oh. Uh--

I think a--
a bird just got you.

Great.
You're pretty unlucky.

Yeah, I'm very unlucky.

[ Bee Buzzes ]
Ow! Son of a--

What?
What happened? What?
A bee just stung my lip.

Really? Bees?
That's how we're gonna play?

Huh?
Okay, Earl,
who are you talking to?

Karma. Karma's been
after me for puttin' off
my list to be with you.

The champagne cork,
the bird crap, the bee.

[ Buzzing ]
Earl, that's crazy.
They're just accidents.

There's no way karma
has anything to do
with any of this. Okay?

[ Screams, Groans ]
Karma's tryin'
to kill me again.

I gotta cross something
off my list. I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.

[ Buzzing Continues ]
[ People Murmuring ]

How do you know
if it's hitting you?

When it's hitting you,
you'll know.

[ Knocking ]

It's hitting me.
Cool.

It is so not cool.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I need you to punch me.

It wants me to punch it.
Punch it.

- Listen to your friend.
Punch it.
- I will not die tonight!

[ Sputtering ]

[ Man ]
Look out!

[ Grunts ]
Ow!
Sorry.

Again?

Come on. I'm tryin' here!
You saw me tryin'.

That guy slammed
the door in my face.

You know what? That's it.
I'm goin' back to the party.

So if you want to punish me,
give me your best shot.

Come on. Give it to me
once and for all,

'cause I'm gonna be
with her whether you
like it or not.

This is my list,
and I will cross things off
when I choose, not you.

I will not be karma's bitch.

That's what I thought.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When I got back to the party,
Alex wasn't there,

so I hoped I would
find her in her office.
Good. You're here.

I did it.
I looked karma in the eye,
and karma backed down.

Son of a bitch!

I think the bees
were looking for you, Earl.

- How bad is it?
- Uh, it's, uh--

It's-- It's not too bad.

They just kept
coming after me.

It was like they were
on some kind of mission.

It knows it can't get to me,
so it's going after you.

- What?
- Karma.

It's like the bad guy
in Spider-Man.

He can't beat Spider-Man,
so he goes after
his girlfriend.

- Karma can't get to me, so--
- You think it's going after me.

- I-I know you think
I'm crazy, but--
- No. Believe me, I... don't.

I'm sorry, Alex.
We can't do this.

I have to get away from you
before you really get hurt--
more than this.

Yeah. It's just too bad,

'cause I was just starting
to think that we--

Yeah, me too.

But it's just not
in the cards for me
right now.

I can't be
anyone's boyfriend.

I'm karma's bitch.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was a hard thing to do,
walkin' away from Alex.

But it was the right thing.

Just because I met
a pretty girl doesn't mean
I deserve to be with her yet.

I've done a lot of bad things
in my life, and I still need
to make up for 'em.

[ Metal Grinding ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And that's what karma
was tryin' to tell me.

But I realize I don't need
bottle rockets, darts
or bee stings to see that.

Hey!
All right!

[ Man Laughs ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
It's the feelin' I get...

when I cross somethin' off
my list that reminds me I'm
goin' in the right direction.

[ Bus Departs ]
And each day,

I'm gettin' a little closer
to the kind of man I want to be.

[ Alex's Voice ]
Earl, remember what
you're working for.

Thinking of you, Alex.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And who knows?
If I keep doin' what I'm doin',

one day I will deserve
a girl like Alex.

[ Bell Dings ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause that's the way
karma works.