My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 15 - Something to Live For - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

* Come on, feet
Start movin' *



* Got to get me there *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy and I usually
avoid exercise at all costs,

but sometimes there's
no way around it.

[ Bird Shrieks ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Panting ]

Can we take another break?
I'm having trouble...

getting air into my mouth
and down to my stomach.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Running out of gas
was karma telling me...

it's time to do
number 62 on my list.

A while back,
Randy and I came across...

the only car
on the trailer park
without a locking gas cap.

For about a month
before I won the lottery
and stopped stealing,

that Yugo was like
our own personal Texaco.



[ Earl Narrating ]
The first time we did it,
we used garbage bags.

Oh!

Then we found out gas
eats through garbage bags.

Oh!

Eventually, we learned
to put it in cans,
which we still had.

So we filled 'em up
and headed over
to the trailer park...

to return the gas
and cross it off the list.
Hey, Crab Man.

Hey, Earl.
What you doin'?

Just looking for
a car I stole gas from.
What's with all the magazines?

Joy found my stash
of Classy Ass and she's
making me get rid of them.

Man, that's a lot
of Classy Ass.

I bet that's even more
than the president has.

- Hey, dummy.
- [ Both ]
Hey.

Darnell, I'm missin'
February '04
from this stack.

You better not
be hidin' it.

It's behind
the pretend fireplace.
I'll go get it.

Darnell, I don't know
why you want to look...

at that Miss February tramp
anyway when you got
all this right here.

Darnell, you better look
at my boobs when I'm
talkin' about 'em.

Let's go.
[ Whispering ]
Come on!

[ Laughing ]

[ Vacuum Whirring ]

Excuse me.
Can I talk to you
for a second?

I don't vote, I already
have a religion,
and I hate whales.

No, no.
It's about your car.

My name's Earl Hickey,
and I stole gas from you.
I never stole gas from you.

No, I stole your gas.

Look, I have a list--
Will you please
turn that thing off?

[ Squeaking ]

Give it to me.
Okay?

[ Whirring Stops ]

There. See? Nice.
Now we can talk.

Hey! Hey!
Hey, what are you doing
with my garment pins?

- Put my pins back!
- I wasn't gonna keep 'em.

I'm just playin'
Daddy Long Fingers.

Hey, calm down!
Put the-- Put the rock down!

Look, see,
I have this list--

And you want me
to sponsor you
by donating a dollar.

What? No.
What I was gonna say is--
You need directions.

I don't have time.
I have a list
of bad things I've done.

That rug is very dirty
'cause it's gray.
I should've got the brown one.

That's the color of dirt,
but I wasn't thinkin'.
I siphoned gas from you!

When?
About this time
last year.

But I'm bringin'
the gas back, see? Randy,
start unloading the gas.

I did you wrong, but now
I'm makin' up for it.

So, do you forgive me?
Can I cross you off
my list?

Fine. Whatever.

Thank you.

[ Brakes Squeaking ]

Man, that guy
was annoying, huh?

Kinda like when you bite
the inside of your cheek,
and it swells up,

and you keep bitin' it
and bitin' it and bitin' it.

- Your cheek still
hurtin' you, Earl?
- Yeah, a little.

Thanks for askin'.

[ Horn Honks ]
[ Man ]
Get out of the road!

- What the hell?
- [ Woman ]
Moron!

What are you doin'?

I'm gonna get hit by a car.
I'm killing myself.

Is it because you're annoying?
I bet it's because
you're annoying.

It's because if you hadn't
been stealing my gas,

- I'd be dead already.
- What are you talkin' about?

[ Earl Narrating ]
It ends up...

the month Randy and I
kept stealin' gas...

was the same month this guy
kept tryin' to kill himself
with car exhaust.

[ Engine Stalls ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Only he never had
enough gas to do it.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Even though
he got close, the car always
died before he did.

[ Engine Stalls ]

Ah, nuts!

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a couple weeks,
he finally gave up.

Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!
Nuts! Nuts!

Do you know how many times
I've vomited without getting
the benefit of dying?

Seven? No, eight.
Forty-seven?

[ Sputtering ]

This entire time I think
that God is intervening
and saving me...

for something real special,
but instead I'm just getting
screwed by a couple of thieves.

Maybe God was saving you
to be screwed by thieves.

And when there was only
one set of footsteps,

maybe God was carrying you--
to be screwed by thieves.

Randy. Can we just talk
about what you're doin'?
I mean, there's--

A law against killing myself?
Yeah, I don't really care.

What are they gonna do,
give me a ticket when I'm dead?

There's a car coming.
You gotta move.
"No kidding, officer.

- It's easy to remain
silent, cause I'm dead!"
- A car is coming!

I'm killing myself,
and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

[ Car Approaches ]

- Nuts!
- [ Horn Honking ]

[ Honking Continues ]

It's fine, Earl.
The carpet will protect him.

Randy, I think we need
to help this guy.
I say we don't.

You already crossed him
off your list.
I saw you do it.

We don't have to help him.
We don't technically
have to help him.

But we can't just walk away.
What are we supposed to do,

- stand here and watch him
get run over?
- [ Horn Honks ]

No, I don't want to see it.
But if we get in our car...

and hear a thump and a scream,
that's none of our business.

I'm sorry, Randy.
I can't explain it.

This whole list thing
has me feelin' things
I've never felt before.

I can't just walk away
from the guy.
Then let's run, Earl.

Let's run away from him.
We could make it a race.
It'll be fun.

Look, he's not that bad.

[ Air Brakes Hiss ]
Hey, buddy,
today's your lucky day.

I'm gonna help you find
a reason to live.

[ Sneezes, Coughs ]

You know, uh, most people
cover their mouths
when they do that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Findin' someone
a reason to live...

isn't something I've ever
had to do before, especially
someone I hardly knew.

So, suicide guy--

Philo.

Philo, uh, why do you
want to kill yourself?

'Cause I don't have a job,
I don't have any friends,

I live in a trailer
with no heat, I fail at
everything, and my feet hurt.

You ever try
different shoes?

I gotta go tinkle.

"Tinkle." That is so stupid.
I wonder what he calls
goin' ploppies.

Man, that guy is a drag.
Is he someone on your list?

He was,
but I crossed him off,
so I'm finished with him.

- But I'm helping him
anyway.
- Why?

I don't know.
Guy wants to kill himself.
I can't just walk away from him.

Are you gonna start helpin'
people that aren't
on your list now?

'Cause if you do, we'll
never finish it and get
back to stealing again.

You don't really understand
my list, do you, Randy?

No. Not really.

[ Metal Crashes ]
[ Rattling ]

[ Water Dripping ]

Oh, hi, guys.
Would either one of you
mind picking up...

that broken pipe
and beating me
to death with it?

- Randy, put it down.
- But, Earl, he said
he wanted me to--

Put it down!

[ Earl Narrating ]
I realized if I was gonna keep
Philo from killing himself,

it wasn't enough
to just babysit him.

I needed to find a way
to lift his spirits
and get him out of his funk.

First I tried small talk.

That's a real interesting
birthmark you got on the back
of your neck.

My mom hit me with
a curling iron. I had spilled
cereal on the carpet.

Didn't even have
milk in it.

Hmm.
So your mom wears
her hair curly, huh?

[ Earl Narrating ]
When small talk didn't work,

we tried showin' him
other ways to have fun--
You know, like motel hockey.

- Randy!
- That was a clean hit.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Nothin' was workin', and since
suicide is a serious thing,

I thought I should
consult an expert.

Since experts write books,
I went to the bookstore,

a place I had only been
once before.

[ Man ]
Hey! Come back here!

Excuse me, sir.
Uh, do you people have...

anything here like a book
a guy can use to keep
a guy from killing himself?

We have Self-Esteem For Dummies,
but I think that's sold out.

Try the self-help section.

Oh, and we also have
a large selection
of Books on Tape.

What do you mean,
like, sticky?

Cassette tape.
It's a book,

but the author reads it
to you on tape.

Book on tape.

Wow. It doesn't get
any more futuristic
than that, huh?

Well, actually it does.
You can download the books
directly to your iPod now.

iPod, huh? What is that,
some sort of space capsule
or something?

Think I got it.
It's a book on tape
called Something to Live For.

I also got a novel version
of Road Hous read
by Patrick Swayze.

The best cooler
in the business?

This'll be great.
Books are written
by smart people,

- and smart people know
how to fix problems.
- No, thanks.

Come on, Philo.
I'm tryin' to save
your life.

Catalina, hold up.

I need to ask you a favor.
I got this guy who, uh--

Well, he needs
something to live for.

I am not sleeping
with that man.

No, no.
Of course you're not.

I know that.
Just make out
with him a little.

No. I can smell him
from here.

It's okay.
I'm not interested.

I already got
a girl I love.
She's hot.

- Wait. You love a girl?
- Yeah, but she hates me--
or she would if she met me.

- I don't even know her name.
- Excuse me. I'm hot.

You're okay, but compared
to my girl, you look like
one of those things...

from The Lord of the Rings
that crawled out of the ground,
attacked the castle.

This uniform is not flattering.
You should see me
in jeans and a bra.

Ewoks.
Those are called Ewoks.

Randy, this could be it.
If we can get this girl
Philo likes to like him,

it'll give him something
to live for, and we won't
have to watch him...

every second of every day.

[ Water Bubbling ]

[ Muffled ]
I'll get the hook.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After we fished Philo
out of the bottom of the pool,

we cleaned him up and got him
ready to go meet who we hoped
would be his new girlfriend.

It finally felt like
I might actually get him
out of our lives,

and I could go back to only
helping people on my list.

That-- That's
the girl you love?
Yeah.

Oh, please.
Victoria's Secret
is just as bad.

Just 'cause they're classy
doesn't mean they're not
still whores!

Son of a bitch.

[ Joy ] I don't know why
you want a Prius when you
got a Maserati right here.

[ Dog Barking In Distance ]

You love Joy?

Joy.
Classy name
for a classy lady.

Sometimes I watch her
do laundry.

So hot.

[ Man ]
* The other day
I met a girl named Joy *

* Oh, Joy to the world
was a beautiful girl *

* But to me Joy meant
only sorrow **

Look, you can't ask Joy
out on a date.
She's married.

Oh, but she's always
yelling at her husband.
I know she's not happy.

Well, that's her happy.
She's just a bitch.

You know I love Darnell,
but if it'll get this guy
out of our lives,

maybe we should consider,
you know, killin' Darnell.

Randy, we're not
killin' Darnell.

- I knew this wasn't gonna work.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

H-Hold on now.
I-I think this could work.
Let me talk to Joy.

Randy, take him back
to the motel.

[ Exhales ]
All right, Philo,
would you rather--

Sit in the back
of the truck
'cause you hate me.

No, what I was
gonna say is--
That you hate me.

I had to ride
in the trunk once.
It was raining--

Pizza or burgers?
Pizza or burgers? Pizza!
Pizza! We're gettin' pizza!

I like burgers.
Too bad.

[ Earl Narrating ]
You may think me asking
my ex-wife for help was crazy,

but sometimes you gotta
fight crazy with crazy.

I wasn't flirting
with her, Joy.
She's a Girl Scout.

I like Slim Mints.
Well, you ain't gettin' 'em,
'cause she ain't comin' back.

Not after what I did
to her bicycle.

Hey, Crab Man.
I was lookin' to have
a word with Joy.

Hey, Earl. Come on in.
We're just fightin'.
Joy's jealous.

I am not jealous.
You're the one that should
be jealous.

I can't even walk
down the street without
guys offerin' to do me.

I take that as a compliment.
I don't get jealous.

That is a lie.
Everybody gets jealous.

Hell, even frogs get jealous.
I saw that on TV.

That's what all that
croaking's about.

What do you want?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I could tell it wasn't
the best time,

but I asked Joy
my favor anyway.

I figured if she'd sit down
with Philo and tell him
that she would date him...

if she weren't already married,
it might give him enough
hope in the future...

to stop tryin'
to kill himself.

At least long enough
for me to walk away.

Tell that little doofus
to meet me on Friday
at the Crab Shack.

Really? Thanks, Joy.
This is a big help.

Oh, and I hear you're
wearin' underwear again.
Good for you.

Doesn't get jealous, huh?
[ Chuckles ]

Boys, get Mama's
plastic stripper shoes
out of your Lego box.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When the big day arrived,
I was feelin' nervous.

It seemed like we were close
to finally gettin' rid of Philo,

and I didn't want
anything to go wrong.

Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crab Man.
Need a few beers.

Oh, I'm sorry. Boss said
I can't serve you until you
fix that pipe in the bathroom.

It sprays people
when they flush.

Luckily, only a few people
that flushed so far.

[ Exhaling ]

You're breathin' loud.
That's because you made me
use toothpaste.

It makes the sores
in my mouth sting.

You that weird guy that likes
to watch me take my underwear
off my clothesline?

- One of them.
Yes, ma'am.
- Beat it, Randy.

[ Bell Dings ]

I hear you have
a crush on me.
Yes.

Hmm.
That's nice.

Do me a favor?
Put your hand...

on my leg right here
and just kind of
rub it around.

Like that.
No, this side. Okay.

You like that, darlin'?
Huh?

'Cause I shaved
above the knee today.

So much better
than a doll.
Hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Get your hands
off my wife.

What's the matter
with you?

I thought you didn't
get jealous.

Guess I was wrong. 'Cause
my heart feels like there's
blood gushing in and out of it.

That's what a heart's
supposed to do.
Shut up!

Oh, baby.
That's how my heart feels.

That's all I needed
to hear.

[ Chuckles ]
I'm so sorry.

Uh-- Um, I thought
we were on a date.

It was a date.

But not all dates
are good ones, honey.

Sometimes it ends up
with your sweetie doin'
a black man in the bathroom.

Come on.

What are you doin' here?
Where's Philo?

- He's gone. I blew him off.
- Damn it, Joy.
I told you he's suicidal.

Come on, Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to find Philo
as fast as I could,

but we had to stop for gas.

It made sense.
I'd stolen gas
more than once.

Karma was payin' me back
more than once.
[ Bird Shrieks ]

We gotta stop, Earl.
I can feel my heartbeat
in my teeth.

Sorry, Randy. We can't.
We gotta get
to a gas station.

I'm not lettin' Philo
die on my watch.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I saw the thing
I feared the most.

- Hi, Earl.
- Holy Moses!

You scared
the crap out of me.
I thought you were dead.

Dead? [ Laughs ]
Why would I be dead?
You crack me up, Earl.

I was just listening
to this tape you gave me.

- I don't have a cassette
player in the house.
- I thought you killed yourself.

Kill--
[ Man ] Doesn't that give you
something to live for?

Why would I kill myself?
That's crazy.

Is it? The woman you love
just blew you off,

and two days ago you tried
to kill yourself 'cause
a squirrel looked at you wrong.

I know.
But that was before
I had friends.

Excuse me?

Yeah. I mean there's
no reason to kill myself
now that I got friends.

If he has friends,
how come they haven't been
helping instead of us?

I think he means us,
Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I realized...

that while Randy and I
were tryin' to find him
a reason to live,

he found it on his own--
us, his new friends.

Hey, why don't you guys come in
and watch my old wrestling tapes
from high school?

I wasn't on the team or nothin',
but me and my sister
had some real close matches.

I know you don't
understand why, Randy,
but I gotta go inside.

If you want
to take the car--
I'll go in there with you.

Really?
Yeah. That guy didn't kill
himself 'cause of us, Earl,

and that's kinda cool.

Makes me feel weird
in my stomach, but I like it.
Is that why you wanna help him,

'cause of that weird feeling
in your stomach?
I guess it is.

Hey, come on.
I cleaned all the junk
off the couch.

I found a real big blanket
we can sit under.

How long you think
we need to be his friends?

I'm not sure.
I still
don't like him, Earl.

I know, Randy.
I don't like him either.

* I'm happy at home

* Happy at home

* You're my best friend *