My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 14 - Monkeys in Space - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ever since I made my list...



and got us
out of the stealin' business,

Randy doesn't have
an income anymore.

Can I have more money
for the claw machine?

You're the one who told me
to go after Kermit.

He's got those skinny legs.
He's not a cheap Muppet
to claw.

Hey, dummy.
One of your little
butt buddies,

Hank Lange,
made it in the newspaper.

Jackass tried to rob
a liquor store with a crossbow.

"Jackass tries to rob a liquor
store with a crossbow."

Wow, I didn't think you could
say "jackass" in the newspaper.
World's changin', Earl.

You'd be surprised what
those asswipes in the media
get away with.

There's a picture of
the douche bag on the bottom.
Shot himself in the arm.

Ow, that's gotta hurt.

Twenty years?
They're sendin' him
to state prison for 20 years.



Long stretch. But at least
he'll be able to spend some
quality time with his daddy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As bad as I felt for Hank,
I had my own problem.

Hank was on my list.

Number 18--
told an inappropriate story
at Hank Lange's birthday party.

So I said, "Well,
if you have to tinkle,
just do it in the ocean."

He walked to the edge of the
water, dropped his tiny trunks
and whizzed into the ocean.

- [ All Laugh ]
- I got a story about Hank.

It was Steve Coco's
bachelor party.

And like all bachelor parties,
there was some entertainment.

- Uh, Earl, maybe-- maybe
this isn't the best time.
- No, no, no.

Come on. Don't worry,
I won't tell the bad part.

So Hank goes into the bathroom
with this stripper,

and then, uh, you know,
some stuff happens.

Anyway,
Hank comes out...

about 10 minutes later
with his tongue down
this stripper's throat,

tellin' her how she's gonna
be his wife, and then,

all of a sudden,
somebody said to Hank,

"I think she'd make a better
husband 'cause she's a dude!"

[ Laughs ]

[ Earl ]
Whoo! Whoo!

[ Laughs ]

If I wanna cross him off
my list before they send him
to state prison,

- I gotta do it by Friday.
- Can I have
another quarter?

I only got one,
and I wanna listen to Skynyrd
while I eat my crab cakes.

- Can I have a quarter?
- I know your beggin' ass did
not just ask me for a quarter.

Hey, Darnell, do you have
a quarter I can borrow?
I think so.

Yeah, he's got a quarter.
You know why he's got a quarter?
He's got a damn job. That's why.

I don't have a quarter.
Just three nickels and
a super-sour gummy worm. Sorry.

When is your lazy ass gonna
stop mooching off your brother
and get a job?

You're damn near 30 years old.
You need to start acting like
an adult like the rest of us.

Darnell, don't you go off with
my gummy worm! You took it out
of my trick-or-treatin' bucket!

One time me and Hank polished
off four bottles of Cherry
Mad Dog and swore that...

if one of us ever got put away
for hard time, the other one
would break him out.

I hope he doesn't
remember that, Randy.

- Should I get a job?
- What?

Joy said I should get a job
so you don't have to
support me anymore.

You know, pay for my food
and Muppets and whatnot.

- I don't mind supportin' you.
- Okay.

Although, I mean,
uh, it wouldn't hurt
to get a job,

if you, uh--
if you wanted to.

- So should I get a job?
- I don't know.

We got the lotto money
to live on, but that's
only gonna get us so far.

I don't mind supportin' you,
but I don't wanna
run out of money...

before I can cross
everything off my list.

I really think
it's my purpose in life.

Then I'm gonna
get a job.
Really?

Yeah. I want you to be able
to do the things on your list.

And, you know, who knows,
maybe it is time for me
to find my purpose.

I think that's a really
good idea, Randy.

A purpose is a great thing
to have.

It gives you a reason
to wake up every morning.

So a purpose is like a box
of powdered doughnut holes?
Exactly.

You here to break me out?
You remember that, huh?

Yeah, but don't worry about it.
I'm cool inside here.

- Hey, Randy.
- I'm gettin' a job.

Good for you.
So, what's up?
You here just for a visit?

Well, uh, actually
I have something I need
to talk to you about.

See, I've got this list.

Hello.
Hey, my wife didn't show up.
You wanna chat?

Sure.
What's your name?

I wanna cross you off the list,
but I just don't know
what to do.

All right, how about this?

Since you gave me a bad day,
give me one good day before
I get transferred upstate.

That seems fair.
What do you want me to do?

Bring my grandma
in for a visit.
She can't drive.

And bring a copy
of my hometown newspaper
so she can read it to me.

That day's copy.
Gibtown Journal.

You can get it from my uncle.
He gets it in the mail.

And bring some doughnuts.
From Yummy's. Fresh ones.

All right,
so, uh, Grandma,

uh, Gibtown Journal
from your uncle
and Yummy's doughnuts.

Done.

Have you tried
talkin' to him?

Maybe if you just
explained you're not a gay,
he'd find someone else.

No, I tried that.

My wife was gonna put a razor in
her mouth and pass it to me when
we made out during our conjugal.

Got anything sharp on you?
Just my toenails.

But I won't put 'em in my mouth.
They're dirty.

You know what?
I think I'm just gonna close
my eyes and power through it.

Yeah.
I think that's
your only choice.

Good luck
on your job search.
Thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since visiting hours at
the jail were over at noon,

I'd have to wait
until the next day
to give Hank his good day.

Here's one.
It says, "Dancers wanted."
I love to dance.

That's Club Chubby, Randy.
They're looking for strippers.
I used to work there.

- You think I could be a pilot?
- Keep readin'.

Hey, Randy, if you're lookin'
for a job, we need a busboy.

The old guy took a bad spill
in the men's room.

Thanks, Darnell, but I was
gonna try and find a job where
I wouldn't slip in pee-pee.

Okay.
Good luck with that.

Here's a good one.
"Make your own hours.
No experience necessary."

No experience.
You got a lot of that.

It's sellin', uh,
cleanin' supplies door-to-door.

Sounds cool.

Um, "not only makin' money,
but makin' the world
a brighter place."

This could be
my purpose, Earl.
I'm gonna call.

How long did you work
at Club Chubby?

- About a month.
- You make good money?

I'm guessin' that's a yes.

[ Beeping ]

[ Earl Narrating ] The next day,
I got up bright and early
to give Hank his good day.

Since Hank's grandma lived
on the way to the jailhouse...

and Hank wanted
his doughnuts fresh,

I figured the smart thing
to do was go by his uncle's
and get the newspaper first.

So, I just, uh,
need your newspaper,
uh, if-- if you don't mind.

I don't mind,
but it's in my mailbox
down in the lobby.

- Should we go get it?
- If you wanna carry me
down the stairs.

Well, we'll take
the elevator.

I don't trust elevators.
They break, fall
and paralyze people.

That's crazy.
Elevators are perfectly safe.

I mean,
they're not just gonna--

Oh, wow.
[ Chuckles ]

"Bar-ba-dos."
That's-- That's, uh--

[ Earl Narrating ]
Hank's uncle didn't trust me
with his mailbox key,

me being a friend
of his criminal nephew and all.

So gettin' the newspaper turned
out to be harder than I thought.

Meanwhile, Randy was off
at his first day of work.

Rather than startin' out goin'
door-to-door with strangers,

he decided to get warmed up
with people he knew.

- What?
- "Hello, ma'am.

"How would you like
to end your daily fight
with stubborn stains?

"Half circle.
Remember to maintain
eye contact.

Half circle."

[ Earl Grunts ]

I gotta poop.

But, we're almost
halfway down.
I gotta poop!

You obviously
do a fine job cleaning.

Gesture room.

But the Bright Time Cleanin'
System could make your job
easier and save you time.

Time that you could be using
to bake a casserole...

or have tea with
your lady friends.

So, you think that one bottle
can clean that whole window?

"This one bottle could clean
all the windows in your home,

slash apartment,
slash trailer."

Now this I gotta see.

Tell Hank I said hello.

Actually, I don't think
I'm gonna make it down there
to see him today.

Visiting hours
are over at noon.

I have to get
an earlier start tomorrow.

And try to get
your business done before we
make it halfway down the stairs.

I'll see what I can do.
I'm not exactly
runnin' the show.

Ma'am, would you like
the deluxe, the mini deluxe
or the basic deluxe package?

Sorry, honey, but we're
just a little bit tight
on cash right now.

We usually steal our cleaning
supplies from the gas station
bathroom down the street.

Oh.

Well, that makes sense.

Thanks anyway.
Congratulations
on the new job.

Dumb-ass.

[ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad
that Randy was havin' trouble
finding his purpose in life,

but I was wakin' up
to my own problems.

[ Beeping ]
8:00 a.m. is early for
a guy like me. Real early.

But I wanted to make sure
I got to Hank's uncle's
in time to get everything done.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And by the time
I got to Yummy's,

- I was right on schedule.
- [ Rings Bell ]

Didi?
I didn't know
you worked here.

You son of a bitch!

I told my parents we were
getting married!

[ Earl Narrating ] While I was
tryin' to figure out how
I was gonna get those doughnuts,

Randy was seein'
if a new profession
might be his purpose.

This is Mr. Parker.
You're gonna prep him
for surgery.

I never shaved
a man's face before.

I saw Footloose's wife
do it in that movie...

where the cool Sweathog could
break mirrors with his brains.

It looked easy--
the shaving the Sweathog's face,

not the breakin'
mirrors with your brains.

I think they did that
with trick photography.

You're not shaving his face.
Mr. Parker's having a vasectomy.

I'm out.

Hank, I've been tryin' to get
someone to buy me doughnuts
for the last two hours.

People think I'm crazy.
Do they have to be from Yummy's?

[ Sighs ]
Okay. All right.

No, I hear ya.
Nah, I said I hear ya.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
With the doughnuts in hand,
all I had to do was...

pick up Grandma
and get to the jail by noon.

Damn it.

I'm just gonna have to get
an earlier start tomorrow,
that's all.

Hey, Earl.
Hey, Crab Man.

Here's a good one, Earl.
"Join the exciting world
of science research."

Science, Earl.
Do you think that
could be my purpose?

I don't know, Randy. Maybe your
purpose is stickin' with a job
for more than one day.

Do you think when I find
my purpose I'll get some sort
of sign, like a glowing light?

But not like an alien
abduction glowing light,
like a Jesus light?

- I don't know, Randy.
I doubt it.
- Hi, Mr. Clean. Where you been?

Promised my neighbor
you'd clean her trailer.

Oh, it turns out
that's not my purpose.

I'm gonna work in
"the ever-changin' landscape
of cosmetic testin'."

Cosmetics?
[ Laughs ]

There ain't enough cosmetics
in the world to cover your
dumb-lookin' face. [ Laughs ]

Seriously. If they
send you free testers,
you better hook me up.

[ Beeping ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
7:00 a.m. is early
for a guy like me.

But sometimes you have to do
what you have to do.

[ Grunting ]

[ Ringing ]

As it turned out,
much like everything else
on this little chore,

pickin' up Hank's grandma
wasn't easy.

I drove around for an hour
before I found a parking spot.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As disappointed as I was
with my day,

Randy was more disappointed
with his new career in science.

- Ready to get started?
- I guess.

You can go home now.
Be sure to call us as soon
as you get your sight back.

Thank you, Doctor.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I'm no doctor.

Hey, Darren,
this guy just
called me "Doctor."

Oh!

I don't think I like
the exciting world
of science anymore.

It's not fun bein' blind.

Why is Steven Wonder
always smilin'?

Maybe he can't see
that he's smilin'.
Am I smilin', Earl?

- No, Randy. You're not smilin'.
- Hey, Earl, could you
hand me the want ads?

I'm gonna find another job.

Hey, Earl, could you
read this for me?
No, I'm not gonna read to ya.

I gotta get up at the crack
of dawn. I got my own problems
I'm dealin' with.

At least you have
your sight.

Randy, you were gonna
get a job so you could
be more independent.

But so far I've had to give you
money for cleanin' supplies,
play doctor with you,

and after dinner,
I'm literally gonna have to
help you use the bathroom.

You don't have to hold anything.
Just get me on the seat.
I'll go like a girl.

Randy, why don't you
just take the job as
a busboy at the Crab Shack?

I don't wanna be
a busboy, Earl.

I want somethin' cool,
like you have with your list.
I want a purpose.

Well, maybe not everybody
has a purpose.

But at least they contribute
and pull their own weight.

If you really wanna help,
stop trying to do these crazy
jobs, and just go be a busboy.

Fine.
I'll be a busboy.

[ Earl ]
Good.

Who's there?
Who's there?

[ Beeping ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
6:00 a.m. is early
for a guy like me.

But I was determined that
today would be the day
that I gave Hank his good day.

[ Ringing ]

All right, let's get goin'.
Hank is waitin'.

- Okeydokey.
- Oh, hey, you have to
take her drops.

What?
Her eyedrops.
You have to put drops...

in her eyes every 10 minutes
or they'll dry out and the lids
will stick to the balls.

You don't wanna see that.
Her watch has a timer on it
to remind you.

[ Man ]
No, you did it again.
Wrong one.

- Oh, and, uh, she hates it,
so good luck.
- [ Door Closes ]

[ Watch Beeping ]

- Does that mean it's time
for your drops?
- No.

I think that means
it's time for your drops.
No, it doesn't.

Come on. I gotta
give you your drops,
or you'll dry up.

I don't like 'em.
I know. Just give me
your head.

I don't wanna.
Give me you head.

No!
You're gonna make me
wrestle you, aren't you?

Yes.

All right.
Let's do this.

[ Both Grunting ]

No!
Come on!

No! I told you, I can't!
Just relax!
It'll be easy.

No!
Come on now.
[ Grunts ]

It's just gonna
take a second.
Stop it!

Thanks.
No problem.

Damn it.

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

So, how was
your first day?
Fine, I guess.

I made some money.
And who knows, maybe this
is my purpose in life.

I am helpin' people.
They can't eat if other people's
plates are still on their table.

I mean, they can,
but it would be crowded
and kinda gross. Hey.

Maybe my purpose in life
is to make things less crowded
and less gross.

Hmm.
How was prison?

Didn't get there.
Gonna try again tomorrow.

I got the day off.
Can I hang out with you?

Sure, but we're gonna
have to get up real early.
How early?

[ Beeping ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Snoring ]

Perky, perky,
hands off jerky.

Poopie trim.

[ Grunting ]

Get off me! No!
Let go, you big ape!

It's only 6:30 a.m.
Visiting hours don't even
start until 8:00.

Why'd we have to
get up so early?

Because what took me
four days to try
and get done without you...

only took an hour
and a half with you.
I'm sorry.

No, Randy,
it means I need you.

You do?
Yeah. I shouldn't have
told you to take that job.

If I'm gonna cross off
all the stuff on my list,

I'm gonna need you with me,
not workin' as a busboy.

Really?
Yeah. Think about it.

You were with me when I did most
of the things on this list.

Maybe you're supposed to be
with me when I fix 'em.

The list is my purpose,
but I think you being
there to help me is yours.

I sure like that a lot better
than pickin' up wadded-up
napkins with gross stuff inside.

Well, then you're hired.

Earl, my light.
This is my purpose.

Randy, that's just
the sun comin' out
from behind the clouds.

And it's doin' it just for me.
How cool is that?

[ Watch Beeping ]

Grab her feet.
I'll pry her eyes open.

Come on, Grandma.
No!

You know it's time
for your drops.
No way! Get off of me!

Just put your head back.
I don't want them!