My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 13 - Stole P's HD Cart - full transcript

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It's nice when the old gang...

puts their differences aside
and gets back together for
something important...

like Earl Jr.'s
birthday party.

I'm five.
There's only four candles.

I know how old
you are, honey. Look.

One, two, three, four,
five.

Huh.

- Was this your card?
- No.

- Was this your card?
- No.

- Was this your card?
- I think you told me
to pick a color.



- Was it green?
- I forget.

Man, this sucks. I thought
you said when the gang
was gettin' back together,

that meant we were gonna
steal somethin',

not watch a bunch of
snot-nosed little kids
eatin' cake.

Man, this sucks.
[ Joy ]
Sorry, Ralph.

- Since Dudley Do-Right here
broke up the gang, this is it.
- I didn't break up the gang.

Yeah, you did.
We're still a gang.

You call this a gang?
How many other gangs you know
have a damn magician?

- We used to have fun, Earl.
- We're havin' fun.
This is fun.

[ Kazoo Buzzes ]

You have to admit, Earl,
our gang was a lot funner
before you discovered karma.

The craziest thing any
of us has done lately is
when you were in the bathroom...

and Ralph stuck that kazoo
down his crack.

- [ Giggles ]
- [ Buzzes Softly ]



You're it, stinky lips.
[ Laughs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I guess Randy was right.

Workin' a scam with
a top-notch crew was a bit
more thrillin' than a kazoo.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Alarm Rings ]

I don't like to complain
about free food,

but this hot dog
tastes like... zoo.

Well, Earl Jr. only
eats long things that he
can dip in ketchup,

and Winky Dinky Dogs is the
only thing around since Pop's
Old-Fashioned Wieners closed.

- Pop's Old-Fashioned Wieners
didn't close.
- Yes, it did.

- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did. A sinkhole
swallowed up him and his cart.

A-A-And there was
a solar eclipse that night.
Tell him, Earl.

Uh, yeah.
Th-That's what I heard.

Oh, really?
I heard you and I
stole it for $200,

and you spent your half
at Club Chubby tryin' to get
that girl to break the rules.

Which she did!
[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]
Yeah.

[ Earl Narrating ]
A few years ago, the Winky
Dinky Dog hot dog chain...

opened a new store
in Camden County.

Unfortunately,
their grand opening wasn't
as grand as they had hoped.

People were just creatures
of habit, and they were just
used to going to Pop's.

That's because Pop's Wieners
was an institution.

Everybody loved Pop's.
Almost everybody.

Later that day, Ralph and I
were offered an opportunity.

All right, I won.
I get a free shot.
[ Belches ]

All right.
Give it to me.

No, no, no, no.
I won three in row, buddy.
You can't cover.

- Fastball.
- [ Groans ]

Yeah, money!
Yeah, money!

Hey. You geniuses
wanna make $200?

Yeah, buddy.
The only thing is,

if it involves math or spelling
or anything like that, we might
need a little extra time,

'cause we're not really, like,
the geniuses you think we are.

[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily,
he didn't need geniuses to knock
his competition out of business.

He just needed a couple
of drunk crooks.
Yeah, big daddy!

It may have been smarter
to take the back roads,

but how often do you get
to surf a giant wiener
down Main Street?

Life's too short.
Come on, big daddy!
Whoo! Yeah!

Ride that wiener,
big daddy!

I can't believe
you did that.
Yeah.

Takin' away Pop's hot dogs from
Camden County is like takin'
chicken wings out of Syracuse.

- I think it's Buffalo, buddy.
- Buffalo?

- Yeah.
- No, no,
I think it's chicken.

It is. It's chicken.
Spicy chicken.

Look, I've done
a lot of bad things.
That's why I made a list.

- I hope "stole Pop's
hot dog cart" is on there.
- He is.

I wrote it down in code so
no one would know what I did.

Number 159--
stole P.'s H.D. cart.
I'm gonna do it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And just like that, I knew what
I needed to do next on my list.

After we found his cart
where we hid it in the woods,

we headed over to Pop's
to give it back.
Yes?

Pops?
That's me.

Uh, a while ago,
me and a friend, we--

[ Pops ]
That's-- That's my cart.

You found my cart?

You found my cart!
[ Laughing ]

You found it.
You know,
I-I'm here too.

Oh, you.
You found my cart.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Fortunately, Pops was
a very forgiving man,

but puttin' the cart
back in its original location...

wasn't enough
to get things started.

People were used to going
to Winky Dinky Dogs because,

like I said,
they're creatures of habit.

Luckily, every creature I know
loves a two-for-one coupon.

So, I recruited Kenny,
my homosexual friend
at the Copy Hut,

to design some discount flyers
to bring people back to Pop's.

Thanks.
What do I owe you?

Oh, it's no charge.
I used some paper we had
leftover from a school job.

Yeah, she lost.
I guess Camden High wasn't
ready for a lesbian treasurer.

Pop's is back!
Two for one!

[ Earl Narrating ] So, I spent
a day spreading the news
that Pop's was back in business.

Who's Ellen Downs?

Just some high-school girl
who came out of the closet
too soon. Other side.

Two for one.
Yep. Go get yourself
a hot dog.

Ellen Downs for treasurer!

Other side, Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ] The flyers
worked. In just a few days,
Pop's was as busy as ever.

I felt good.
I had righted a wrong and given
a broken man back his dream.

Here.

Thank you, Pops.
No. Thank you, Earl.

Thank you.

My cart!

Yeah, baby!
Whoo!

Yeah, baby! Whoo!
Yeah!

Ralph, what the hell
are you doin'?

Hey, I knew you'd be mad, buddy,
but I couldn't cut you in.

Winky Dinky only paid me
175 bucks this time,

and I couldn't figure out
how to evenly divide that
between two people.

Winky Dinky Dog.
Of course.
Yeah.

Damn it.
Pops, don't worry.

I'll make sure the guy
pays for a new cart.

Hey, you wanna go get a lap
dance at Club Chubby?

I got some money.

I know you hired my buddy
to burn down Pop's cart,

and you're gonna pay
the $10,000 to replace it,
or I'm goin' to the police.

When you go to the police,
are you gonna tell 'em you
stole his cart the first time?

No, I'm not.
Actually, I'd rather the whole
thing didn't come up.

Then I suggest you
don't go to the police.
Then give me $10,000.

- No.
- Then I'm gonna
go to the-- Damn it!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since I couldn't reason
with the fellow at the store,

I figured I'd go
over his head.

After a little research,
I found out that
Winky Dinky Dog...

was owned by a giant corporation
all the way in the city.

Look at this.
Life in the city.

You can do anything
and be anything.

You think they'd mind
if I slid across
the shiny floor in my socks?

I wouldn't start it, but I
guess if you saw someone else
doin' it, you could join in.

Hello.
Uh, my name is Earl Hickey,
and I'm here to speak...

with the head honcho
of this company,
Mr. Winky Dinky.

You mean Mr. Covington.
And this is concerning?

It's very concerning.
There was a fire
and everything.

I can't let you inside
without an appointment.

- How do I get an appointment?
- You need to talk
to someone inside.

- That's what I'm tryin' to do.
- Then you need an appointment.

Look at all those people
in suits, Earl. It's like
when Ted from Bill and Ted's...

put on his magic sunglasses
and went into the Matrix.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I
realized the only way...

I was gonna speak
to Mr. Winky Dinky...

was to get one of those
employee I.D.'s,

and that meant
becomin' an employee.
[ Beeping ]

I called human resources
and found out they were in
desperate need for secretaries.

All I needed to do
was take a typin' test.

That's where Kenny came in.

[ Quietly ]
Hey, I typed a real word.

"Flurp."
That's a word, isn't it?

After we finished,
Kenny and I exchanged our work
before we turned it in.

Thanks to Kenny, and his
impeccable "type-man-ship,"
I was hired on the spot.

As for Kenny, he got
a "better luck next time."

That very next day,
I started my new pretend career
in business.

I just had to fake
my way through the day,

and keep my eye open
for Mr. Winky Dinky.

Here's your new work space,
Hickey.

Well, thank you, sir.
I'm, uh, happy to be on board.

I have to say, office life took
a little gettin' used to.

Oh, hey, Hill-Hillary,
uh, do you have a key
for this top one?

Oh, that's how you do it.
I-- I didn't get the memo.

You bring up the middle
section in Excel,

then you'll bring up
the Word document
for pages four through six.

Part will be network,
so leave the Web links embedded.
And put them on a disk for me.

Thanks.
Will do.

Since I had no idea what
the hell an Excel was,

I decided to hide out
in the elevator for a while,
hoping to spot Mr. Covington.

Mr. Covington?
Mr. Covington
is my father's name.

You can call me "sir."

Well, I-- I know
you're a very busy man,

uh, now that you're
doing potatoes three ways
and everything,

but I thought you should know
that one of your franchise
owners paid a criminal...

to burn down
someone else's hot dog stand.

Have the police
been informed?

Well, the, uh,
witness doesn't really...

like to interact
with the police because,
uh, they don't like me-- him.

But I just thought, uh,
this was the type of thing
you'd wanna know about.

Actually,
it's something I wouldn't
want to know about.

Excuse me?
Business is tough, son.

You try to play by the rules,
but sometimes you can't.

And when you can't, it's better
if I can stand up in court
and say I didn't know about it.

This conversation
didn't happen.

- B-But it did happen.
- No, it didn't.

But, uh,
Mr. Covington.

- Where'd you get
all that neat stuff?
- Oh, I stole it from work,

and I'm gonna keep stealing
until I get $10,000
to pay Pops back.

Those executives are criminals
like we used to be, only worse
'cause they don't admit it.

It's "hypochronical."

I mean, "hypoconjugal."

Hypothetical?

But, Earl, I thought
you stopped stealing.
What about your list?

This is a special
circumstance, Catalina.
I'm stealin' for a good reason.

Just like, uh, Robin Hood.

Yeah, I like him.
The guy with the green
panty hose, right?

I like his little hummingbird
girlfriend, Tinker Bell.
She gets so jealous.

You're never gonna make $10,000
selling rubber bands...

unless you have some syringes
and arm candy to go with them.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Catalina was right.

It was clear that I was gonna
need to steal more stuff.

But to do that,
I needed help.

I needed to get the gang back
together for one last heist.

Guys, I'm gonna
need a favor.

[ Earl Narrating ] With Randy
and Catalina on board--
[ Knocking ]

I needed to convince
the rest of the gang.

Joy and Darnell were easy.

Mostly because
Joy hates her life,
and Darnell's up for anything.

And Ralph--
Well, say what you want
about Ralph,

but he's a professional.

There's nothin'
he won't do for $200.

Now that the gang
was back together,

the first step of the plan
was to get everyone hired.

That's where Kenny
came in again.

[ Video Game Beeping ]

Look, Kenny, I'm sleepin',
and the TV screen is doin' "Z"
like I'm sleepin'.

[ Earl Narrating ]
At the end of the day,
everyone got hired.

That-- That took me about
5.3 seconds right there.

Very impressive, sir.
Welcome aboard.

- Whoo! Yeah.
- [ Earl Narrating ]
Everyone except for Kenny.

This appears to be just a list
of all the swear words you know.

I have a lot of anger.

[ Earl Narrating ] The next day,
the gang was geared up
and back in the scam business.

And although we were
doin' somethin' bad,
I knew it was for good.

Like Robin Hood
and his gang,

but with us,
only the women
wore stockings.

Randy even brought
four beers because
it makes him a better liar.

And now that everyone
was in place,

the plan was to try not
to get fired before 5:00.

[ Indistinct ]

Then, at closing time,
we'd all hide and wait
for everyone to leave.

That way,
we'd have the place
to ourselves,

and we'd be free to steal
as many things as we could
carry without gettin' detected.

[ Imitates Pigeon Cooing ]

Okay, good job, everybody. Let's
take what we can and do it fast.
We don't have much time.

Earl, forget about stealing
all that chintzy crap, baby,
I just found the mother lode.

Wait, that's what
you want us to steal?
A copy machine?

- Yeah, buddy.
- It must weigh a ton, Ralph.

No way. I am not gonna
bust my ass to steal this
big-ass copy machine.

Look, it's gonna be worth it.
I got a guy in Koreatown wants
to rig it to counterfeit money.

He said he's gonna
pay us ten grand
in 20-dollar bills for it.

Ra-- I don't know Ralph.
Let's just stick to our plan.

Yeah.
I found a box of pencils.

They look like pens,
but they're pencils.

See?
Looks like a pen.
It's a pencil.

[ Ralph ]
You're all thinkin' small time
on me here, man.

Look, it's got wheels.
It's just, you know,
one, two, three, puppy dog.

- Ralph, may-- Let's just try--
- Look, there ain't no time
to think about this, buddy.

This is what I do
for a living,
all right?

I got this worked out on a level
that you wouldn't even begin
to understand, baby.

This whole thing's
a chess game.

And this here Xerox machine's
the pope, all right?
Now, come on. Let's push it.

Come on.
Come on.
Come on.

[ Grunting ]

Oh.
[ All Grunting ]

[ Ralph ]
Yeah, there we go.

[ Grunting Continues ]

Oop, over to the right.
To the right.
Push.

See, I knew this
wasn't gonna work.

Let's just push it up on
its end and shove it through.

Are you nuts?
Look, we're wastin' time.
Let's just do it.

All right.
Come on. Come on.
Lift it up. Lift it up.

[ All Grunting ]

Yeah!
Yeah!

[ Earl ]
Wait. Hold on.
I think it's stuck.

[ Earl ] The thing is jammed
in the doorway, Ralph.
[ Ralph ] Look, look--

[ Joy ]
Ralph, I'm gonna kick
your little bony ass.

[ Earl Narrating ] After a long
night of struggling to
unsuccessfully free ourselves,

we were finally
rescued the next morning.

What the hell
is going on?

Fred.

Uh, you're never gonna
believe this,

but when I got here
this morning, uh,

that copier was already wedged
in the doorway, so I called
these people to help me with it.

How'd you get in the room
in the first place if the door
was already blocked off?

Well, actually,
that happened while
we were sleepin'.

Yeah, asleep.
And that bottle of pee-pee on
the table was already there too.

- [ Earl Narrating ] Ralph never
was very good under pressure--
- Get him!

but he did know
when to make an exit.

[ Police Shouting, Indistinct ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
After making our
not-so-clean getaway,

we headed to the Crab Shack
to calm our nerves
and blow off some steam.

Ralph is not
a good criminal.

Julio Enrique González
de Marco la Bamboza,

also known as
la Puma del Diablo--
now that was a good criminal.

He once stole all the hats
from my village.

Forced us to buy them back
at ridiculous prices.

We should have just stuck
with the original plan.

I mean, look at how many
pencil pens I got.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Ralph.

I wanna apologize
for running out like that
and screwin' up the plan.

It was very
unprofessional of me.

Well, we all ran
eventually, Ralph.

Yeah,
but I was paid to do the job,
and so, here's the thing.

I figured out a way
to get Pop's cart back.
All right, here's the plan.

What if I cut off my pinky toe,
put it in that there cooler,

stick it in a Winky Dinky Dog,
and sue 'em for $10,000?

Ralph, I appreciate your offer,
but you're not cuttin' off
your pinky toe.

We can find
another way to do it.
Yeah.

Well,
here's the thing, Earl.

What, your pinky toe's
already in there, isn't it?
Yeah, it's in there.

Look, Earl, it looks
like a little peanut.
A little peanut with a toenail.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Later that day, thanks to
Ralph's professionalism,

plan "B" was in full swing.

[ Screaming ]
Turns out, Joy didn't let
Darnell and the kids...

in on the plan for fear
that their reactions
wouldn't look authentic.

Lucky for us, the going rate
for a pinky toe in a hot dog
was $10,000,

which was the same
amount Pops needed
for a brand-new cart.

And to Joy's credit,
she never thought to keep
the money for herself.

She was just happy the gang
was back together...

and that Pop's
was back in business.

Made me feel good to cross
this one off my list.

But it was especially nice,
because it gave the old gang...

a place to hang out
together again.

- [ Ralph ] Yeah!
- Woo!

Yeah.
Just like prison.

[ Muffled ]
Hey, you want a bite?

You're it, stinky lips!
[ Laughs ]

Ew!