My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 12 - O Karma, Where Art Thou? - full transcript

[ Earl Narrating ] One thing
about cold nights at the motel,
Randy and I slept like babies.

But that wasn't just
because of the temperature.
Gas leak. Get up.

You're all
being poisoned.
Five more minutes.

- Five minutes, you'll be dead.
- Four more minutes?

[ Groans ]

Man, it's freezin' in here.

Put on your coat before
you get a runny nose and ruin
all your long sleeves again.

[ Earl Narrating ] One good
thing about the cold is finding
things in your coat pockets...

you forgot you put there
a year ago.

Hey, look! It's Mr. Fishy.
That's where he was.

Guess you were right, Earl.
I'm not ready for a pet.



Man, I remember this.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Number 202 on my list--

stole a wallet from a guy
at a gas station.

A few years ago,
I was hanging out
in a gas station bathroom...

waitin' for some guy to
drop his pants and provide me
with an opportunity.

[ Door Closes,
Lock Slides ]

Whoo-hoo!

Ah, they have my favorite brand
of toilet paper in here.

Soft stuff.

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.



That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had stolen a lot
of wallets in my day,

but that one
was the mother lode.
Whoo-hoo!

So, that afternoon,
we took the money to Jasper's
for a little shopping spree.

Jasper's
is kind of like the mall,
only it's in a storage unit,

and everything there
is stolen from the mall.

And with
a thousand dollars to spend,
we were living like kings.

Hey, we're out of lime mix,

so these margaritas are
gonna have to be cola flavored
or extreme cherry.

Why can't you just give him
back his wallet with a thousand
dollars of your lottery money?

I like my helmet.
It reminds me
of kindergarten.

This stuff was bought
with stolen money.

It's got bad karma all over it.
It all has to go back.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, when I tracked
down the slushy machine,

I found someone
had moved in.

Yeah, I got it set up
like a turtle house,
with a turtle and whatnot.

Does he use
that exercise wheel?

Not as much
as I hoped he would.
Does he do any tricks?

If you yawn a lot,
sometimes he copies you.

[ Yawning ]

I hate to take
your buddy's home away,
but I really have to.

Oh, it's okay, Earl.
I think he needs
more space anyway.

Here. I'll just let him
go free range on the carpet.
Hey, Mr. Turtle.

That thing starts beggin'
at the table, it's gonna
become an outside turtle.

You ever try to stick
your finger inside to see
what's under the shell?

Yeah.
H-He don't like it.

This stuff isn't stolen,
is it?

Of course it is.
We bought it here.
Yeah.

- When'd you get a computer?
- About a month ago.
I take orders online now.

I steal a Wi-Fi signal
from that apartment building
across the street.

- You been online?
- No.

Oh, it's wild. Wild!
That's where I got
my Russian bride.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Russian Accent ]
Shut the sheet.

Light is putting glare
on Montel.

- Cool. Hey, say,
"Moose and squirrel."
- Moose and squirrel.

- Yup. That's how
I thought she'd say it.
- Not bad, huh?

You get free shipping
if they're over 30.

He write an e-mail he live
in gated community.

My crate on boat
was bigger than this.

Where do you live, big boy?
You have shower? You want wife?
[ Kissing ]

- Earl?
- Okay, baby. That's enough.

She likes to flirt
with people.

But at the end of the day,
she's all mine.

No kiss on lips!
[ Disgusted Sigh ]

[ Curtain Closes ]
Yeah.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Now that we had the money,

it was time to cross
that stolen wallet
off the list.

My wallet. That's amazing.
Where'd you find it?

Well, uh, I found it
at a gas station,

in a bathroom,
in a pair of pants...

around your ankles.

You stole it?

You're a crook!

What is that, Earl?
What is it?

- Jeff, call the cops!
- No, no, no, no. Don't.
Please, don't call the cops.

I-I'm trying to
make this up to you.

I'm no longer a crook.
I've turned my life around.

Oh, it's cool, Earl.
They won't call.
I cut the cord.

Randy!
We're gonna die.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
I'm so-- Look.

You're not gonna die. I'm sorry.
I'll make up for that too.

Just please listen to me.
Randy, fix the phone cord.

- But, Earl, they were gonna
call the cops, and then we--
- Fix the phone cord.

[ Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
It took a while, but eventually
I calmed them down...

and explained to 'em how my life
is now guided by karma and how
I wanted to do good things.

Phone works again.
We appreciate how you're
changing your life.

But you stole
the money from our wedding, man.
That was our honeymoon money.

- Yeah, you stole our honeymoon.
- [ Grunts ]

Ran-- What did you
do that for?

I thought they were
gettin' mad again.

Just fix it.
You were saying?

We were filling up
and heading to the beach
for our honeymoon,

but after you
took all our money,
we had to come home.

Look, I-I'm sorry.
I-I really am.

But I've replaced the money,
so why don't you just have
a do-over honeymoon?

Oh, can we, Jeff?
I really want my honeymoon
in the sun. You promised.

Look, even if my boss
will give me a week off,
which I doubt,

I can't afford
to miss a week's pay.

What if I cover for you?

I could work for you,
and at the end of the week,
you keep the paycheck.

You think your boss
will go for that?

I guess
we could ask him.

[ Earl Narrating ]
With Jeff on board,
all I had to do...

was convince his boss
to let me fill in
for him at work.

- You speak English?
- Yep, and I'm a quick learner.

Got all your fingers?

Do they bend?
I've been fooled before.

All right.
You're hired.

[ Liquid Boiling ]

Mr. Patrick's
real particular
about his fries.

- Real particu--
- [ Splashes ]

Oh, God. Oh, God.
My retainer fell in.

I-I-- I'll get it.
No.

If he sees you take it out,
he'll know I dropped it
in again. Just leave it.

Hey, Marlboro Man.
Why don't you trot
on over here?

Are you, uh--
you and E. coli buddies?

Is that the little
Asian fella in the back
who does the dishes?

No, E. coli, Hickey.
Parasites.

You left a little
party zone for 'em
right here in the groove.

I-- I wiped there.
Oh, really? Let's see
if you didn't miss a spot.

Oh, you did a good job.
You did a really good job.

I would say
it's clean enough
to eat off of.

Why don't you take a bite?
What?

Hey, everybody!
Watch Earl eat a french fry off
his well-wiped counter groove.

[ Earl Narrating ]
What Mr. Patrick
didn't realize...

is that taking orders
from a boss was never
really my strong suit.

You stupid idiot!

So, what's it gonna be?

[ Earl Narrating ] There were
about a dozen things I wanted
to do with that french fry,

but that would have
cost Jeff his job, and karma
wouldn't like that one bit.

Attaboy.

You'll catch on.

That's okay.
I had to eat a hamburger patty
he wiped on a toilet seat.

You can feel good about
your decision to eat here.

My brother didn't spit in it.
He's into karma and whatnot.

Hey, Hickey.
What was this doing
in the trash?

It was empty.
You said recycling
was for morons.

Check under the rim. There
was six burgers' worth of mayo
you could swab out of there.

Use your head.
Now, scrape that out
and go work drive-through.

- Will do.
- What a jerk.

You should report
that guy to the manager.
He is the manager.

Oh. Then he already knows.

Look, it's no big deal.
I don't let guys like that
bug me anymore, Randy.

Karma's given me
a whole new outlook
on life.

I've learned it's not my job
to punish people who are
mean to me. It's karma's.

People like that always
get what they deserve.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't need to worry
about Mr. Patrick.

I just needed to worry
about keeping this job,
no matter how bad it got.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Four, your order's ready.
Four.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
Earl Hickey working
as a burger dummy.

Look. I think we're
gonna go ahead and park
and come on in.

[ Cackling ]

Well, look at you
all dressed up
in that cute uniform.

And they even
had your size--
extra dorky.

Welcome to Stars.
May I take your order? And your
clothes look stupid too.

Hey, Crab Man.
Hey, Crab Man's turtle.

Hey, Earl.
That's from both of us.

We'll take two
number-one combos, please.

Can you throw in
a piece of lettuce
for Mr. Turtle?

He likes arugula,
if you got it.

That's 6.44.
Thank you very much, sir.
Have a nice day.

Joy, you gave me
a wadded-up Kleenex.

Come on.

Don't go all
goody-two-shoes on me.
Hook me up.

That's stealing, Joy.
I can't do that.

[ Grunts ]
Ow!

Oh, my God!
Is there a manager
in the house?

I just found a piece
of hair in my food.
Joy, stop it.

Is there a problem
over here?

Oh, there's a problem.
A hair fell off your employee
into my french fries.

I'm not paying for these.

I am sorry about that, ma'am.
And you should be
wearing a hairnet.

Oh, you know what?
This is a short one.

Actually,
you know what I think?
This is a mustache hair.

Thank you so much.
I feel so much better now.

I think we all feel better.
Do you feel better, Hickey?

Not really.

- You want one
for your eyebrows?
- I feel fine, sir.

Good. Now I want you to go
in the back and sponge down
the baby-changing table.

A kid scooted
his ass across it
like a dog does.

Go on. Do it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As hard as it was to
stand there and take it,

I had to keep reminding myself
why I was there and that karma
would take care of Mr. Patrick.

Nice job, Hickey.
Why don't you take a break?

Thank you, sir. I--

Uh-oh. Now those
are damaged and unfit
for our valued customers.

Why don't you drive those
over to my house, you know,
being you're on break and all?

You're taking
all those rolls
to Mr. Patrick's house?

He goes through a lot
of toilet paper because
he's so full of crap!

Yes!

Listen, Xena.
Try not to get so worked up
by Mr. Patrick.

He'll get his payback.

There's a thing
in this universe,
an uncontrolled force.

It's called--
I love you too, Earl.

You'll be my first.

No, no, no, no. No.
I was talking about karma.

Oh. Karma.

It, uh, takes care
of mean people.

Mr. Patrick will get
everything he deserves.

[ Sighs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
But as I drove up
to Mr. Patrick's house,

I realized he had way more
than he deserved.

He had a beautiful house
in a beautiful neighborhood,
but that wasn't all.

Hi! Come on in.

Pat told me
you were coming.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He also had a beautiful wife
he didn't deserve.

Is-Is there any chance
that Mr. Patrick
is your brother?

I hope not,
not with all the stuff
I let him do to me.

Anyway, wait right here.

I'm gonna go get
the dry cleaning
Pat said you'd take in.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I couldn't believe Mr. Patrick
scored a woman like that...

and a house like this.

And, as I took a look
around the rest of the place,
it only got worse.

There he was, sitting
in the back of a brand-new,
customized F-250,

complete with stenciling.

And how he got
so many friends,
I have no idea.

And I couldn't
imagine him doing anything
good enough in life...

to deserve a special mug
saying it.

No way.

Oh, sorry.
I was just, uh--
[ Clears Throat ]

looking at Mr. Patrick's
best stuff mugs.

Oh. Well,
that one's not his.

Really?
It's mine.

Of course it is.

Of course it is.

Here you go.

I don't get it, Randy.
It doesn't make sense.

Karma should be
kicking the crap out
of a guy like that.

Maybe he's nice
outside of work.

He could deserve good karma
that way, right?
I don't know.

Even if he pulled his face off,
and underneath was that guy from
U2 that does all that charity,

he still wouldn't deserve
a wife that hot.

Maybe he's being punished
in some secret way.

I had a horrible uncle
with a hot wife
and a big house,

but later we found out
that the house and the wife
both had mold in the basement.

Mold in the basement.

Well, maybe there's more to
Mr. Patrick that I don't know.

Bono.
That's the guy from U2--
Sonny Bono.

I should be on that show
where you have to remember
the names of things.

What's it called?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided to keep a much
closer eye on Mr. Patrick,

hoping I'd find
hidden information that would
make sense of his life.

Maybe I'd discover
he was a better man
than I thought.

But he wasn't.

[ Earl Narrating ] As far
as I could tell, Mr. Patrick
never did anything good.

And when he had the chance to
do the right thing, he didn't.

This guy definitely
didn't deserve all
the nice things he had.

He even had a nice
little thing he was cheating
on his wife with.

Nope. Mr. Patrick didn't
seem to be suffering one bit.
It just didn't make sense.

He wasn't gettin' punished
at all for any of the bad things
he was doing.

There was only one place
left to look,

one place karma
could be punishing him.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't want to check there,
but I had to.

Come on, man!

Ah, I'm just having
a little trouble
working up a stream.

Try blowin' on it.

Excuse me?

[ Blows ]

There you go.

[ Clears Throat ]
Thank you, sir.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I could see that karma
wasn't punishing Mr. Patrick.

What I didn't get
was why it was punishing me.

What do you want-- a snake,
an eel or an earthworm?
I want a dinosaur.

A dinosaur? Here.
This is not a dinosaur.

Sure, it is.
It's a Balloon-osaurus rex.
Now, get out of here.

Hickey!
You take these balloons
back from these kids,

and you start making poodles
and funny hats right now.

I told you, I don't know how
to make balloon animals.

You don't know how
to make a balloon animal?

Are you telling me that
you're too stupid to understand
how to bend a balloon?

[ Earl Narrating ]
It's amazing how humiliated
you can feel...

dressed as a hamburger,
being poked by a balloon.

Now, you apologize
to these children right now!
See this, kids?

This is why you
stay in school.

So you don't end up
in a hamburger outfit,
too stupid to bend balloons.

Hickey,
I told you to apologize.
What's your problem?

I want you to apologize
to these kids right now.

Are you too stupid
to say you're stupid?

[ Earl Narrating ] No one has
ever treated me that bad before
and gotten away with it,

especially a boss.

But I stuck with karma
this long, so I knew I
had to keep my cool.

Unfortunately, knowing
something and doing something
are two different things.

[ Grunting ]

Whoa! Take it easy, Xena!
You don't wanna swallow
that new retainer.

Oh, God!
Your hands on my body
feel so right.

What?
Nothing.

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I felt bad
about sending Mr. Patrick
to the emergency room,

but when I found out
what I started,
I felt even worse.

Thanks to me,
the women he tried so hard
to keep separate--

well, they were finally
brought together.

Seems I hurt more than
just Mr. Patrick's eye.

World's--
Hey, come on!

- best--
- Not the mugs!

- son of a bitch!
- Charmaine!

[ Earl Narrating ] And while
his wife was kicking him out
for seeing another woman,

she found out how he was able
to afford another woman.

Turned out law enforcement was
as unhappy about his behavior
as she was.

I felt awful.
I just wanted to hit the guy,
not ruin his life.

I wish
I could say something
to make you feel better.

I don't know
what you can say, Randy.

I started out trying
to do something good...

and ended up
getting the guy divorced
and thrown in jail.

I screwed up.
That's all there is to it.

You said karma would
get him eventually.

I said karma, not my fist.
But karma
doesn't have fists.

You know what? You're right.
Karma doesn't have fists.

Karma doesn't have
hands at all, or feet.
Does karma have feet?

Maybe karma's behind
this whole thing, Randy.

I mean, the guy finally
got what he deserved.

Maybe karma just borrowed
my fist to give it to him.
'Cause karma doesn't have fists.

Wow. Karma used me
to do its dirty work.

Nice move, karma.
Nice move.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As it turned out,
not just to punish a bad guy,

but to reward
some good people too.

Mrs. Patrick took
ownership of the restaurant
and made Jeff the manager.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And with Jeff as manager,
everybody got raises...

and health insurance to cover
new retainers for Xena.
[ Sneezes ]

In the end, everyone got
what they deserved,

and I was able to cross
number 202 off my list.

Oh. It's a burger.

[ Squeaking ]

Hey, Earl.
I saw that mouse again.

Want me to try
and get him?
No, I like him.

I was thinking maybe we
should name him, you know?

And that way he'd be our pet
and not just a mouse.

- How 'bout William?
- Nah. I don't like William.

We could call him Bill
for short.

I never understood how Bill
was short for William.

If anything,
Bill should be short
for Billiam, you know?

Good night, Earl.
Good night, Randy.

Good night, Billiam.