My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 11 - Barn Burner - full transcript
Earl has to make up for burning down a barn at a boys' camp when he was a kid. But he later finds out that he's not the one who burned the barn down.
[ Earl Narrating ] The claw
machine is a popular way
to pass time at the Crab Shack.
- Especially when the rat
gets in it.
- A little more left.
If you can't pick him up
by a foot, go for
the chunky part.
I know what I'm doin'. I gotta
sneak up on him from the back
while he's humping that Grover.
- Now!
- [ Machine Whirring ]
Be careful when you pull him
out of the slot.
He's gonna be angry.
He's not gonna be angry.
I saved him.
- [ Rat Squeaks ]
- Ow!
Maybe I should've let him finish
his business with the Grover
before I took him.
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Joy ]
They are monsters, Darnell.
Those kids
are two little monsters.
They used my going-out
lipstick to draw boobs
on the car headlights again.
Joy, I'm tryin' to work.
Sweetheart, you're picking
crabmeat out of claws.
It's not like you're
in a hospital doing
a kidney transplantation.
[ Earl Narrating ]
There were a few things I missed
about being married to Joy.
Her children
were not two of 'em.
Boys get into trouble, Joy.
That's what they do.
- Tell her, Earl.
- Oh, I'm just, uh--
I'm j-- gettin' a beer,
and the rat's back
in the--
What are you askin' him for?
He was worse at disciplinin'
those kids than you are.
[ Earl Narrating ]
She was right.
I always found it best
not to get too involved.
[ Man ]
There you go.
Well, I'm sure
if you put your
two heads together,
you'll be able to,
uh--
Good luck.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I felt bad for Darnell.
But I felt good for me. Those
kids were no longer my problem.
Those kids are beyond fixin'.
They wouldn't even accept 'em
over at the rotten kids camp.
I mean, I ran out of space
on the application.
How bad do they
have to be?
- Are you talking about
the Right Choice Ranch?
- Yeah.
- Whose last name did you put
on the application?
- Yours. Hickey.
That's their legal last name.
Dr. Crabmeat here...
hasn't come up with the $180
to change their names yet.
- Seems like a waste.
I like Hickey.
- [ Exhales ] Damn it.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when
I realized what I thought wasn't
my problem, actually was.
Number 164--
burned down a barn
at the Right Choice Ranch.
You see, as children,
me and Randy got into
a little trouble here and there.
[ Groaning ]
And our parents didn't seem
to be very entertained
by our antics.
Eventually they had no choice
but to take Randy and me
to the Right Choice Ranch.
It was a nice little camp
that helped troubled kids
turn their lives around.
However, their slogan
raised some eyebrows.
Over the years
they tried new slogans,
but they never
could get it right.
[ Man ]
The Right Choice is,
hands on your head.
The Right Choice is,
hands on your knees.
The Right Choice is,
hands in the air.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Within a few hours, we were
already startin' to learn...
that you didn't have to be bad
to have fun.
[ Shouts ]
We also learned
that Randy was afraid of birds.
[ Quacking ]
[ Shouting ]
Then, which brings us
back to the list,
there was an accident.
I had only recently
taken up smokin',
and properly disposing
of my cigarette butts...
was a habit I hadn't mastered.
They sent Randy and I packing.
Any chance of us being reformed
went up in flames.
Now Joy's kids shouldn't
have to pay for my mistakes.
No, they're gonna have plenty
of their own to pay for.
You're going to a farm?
Shh.
I'm not tellin' Randy.
He's afraid of chickens.
And the pope's big hat.
But mainly 'cause he thinks
there's a chicken under it.
Can I go?
I worked on a farm
growing up.
Oh, yeah?
Where was it?
I don't know.
We were always blindfolded
when they took us there.
But I know they shot
my father in San Pascual,
so it must have been
north of the river of blood.
Man!
A surprise destination.
Give me a hint, Earl.
Like, has funnel cakes.
Okay.
Does not have
funnel cakes.
Does not have
funnel cakes.
Okay.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't like trickin' Randy,
but I was hoping he might
conquer his fear of birds.
He's never grown out of it.
- [ Bird Squawks ]
- Hey, Earl. Did you see
what that stupid bird--
- [ Shouts ]
- [ Thuds ]
Right Choice Ranch?
Yep. Does not have
funnel cakes.
I'm gonna cross
that burned barn off my list.
You okay with that?
Yeah. 'Course.
Why wouldn't I be?
[ Rooster Crows ]
Earl, that was a rooster.
That's a man chicken.
They're the meanest of 'em all.
They got that red flappy thing
under their mouth.
I don't even know
what they make that out of.
I'm afraid of birds,
and I don't care
what you think of me.
It's okay. We all have
our fears. I'm afraid
of snakes and rape.
Come on.
Let's go find the farmer.
[ Crowing Continues ]
I can't remember. With chickens,
are you supposed to play dead
or punch 'em in the nose?
Well, I'll be.
Earl Hickey.
We've been tellin' everybody
around here you're dead.
Nope. Not dead yet.
But my heart did stop briefly
back in 1992 when I got stepped
on at a Motörhead concert.
No, it's not that.
It's just that...
- when we tell the kids the
legend of the barn-burner--
- [ Chicken Clucking ]
we think it's kinda
nice to finish it
with you bein' dead.
Shot in the face actually.
Really? I have a legend?
And a plaque.
Oh.
You're the example
the counselors use...
for someone who made
the wro choice...
here at the
Right Choice Ranch.
Hey, Bud,
little Hector said
that seeing that
baby lamb get born...
has convinced him
to laser off
his teardrop tattoo.
Hey, okay, Hector.
¡Bueno! !Bueno!
Oh, this here's Bobby.
He was probably at the camp
when you were.
He was brought here when
he pulled out all the teeth
from his brother.
He's a successful
businessman now.
He comes here
and volunteers
on weekends.
Earl here's thinkin'
of making up for burnin'
down our barn.
Yep. Gotta undo all
the bad things I did
so I can have a better life.
Well, if you're looking to make
up for burnin' the barn, we sure
could use a proper ostrich pen.
- You guys have an ostrich?
- Yeah.
We got him for the
"Racism Is Having Your Head
in the Sand" bonfire.
We put a little K.K.K. hood
on him and let him chase
the kids around.
All right then.
I'll build that racist
ostrich a pen.
Maybe the campers will learn
somethin' by seeing Earl Hickey
do some good.
- There you go.
- Just do me a favor.
Don't mention to my brother
that there's an ostrich
roamin' around.
[ Clucking ]
What are you gonna do now,
you stupid bird?
I'm behind a fence.
Stupid chick--
[ Warbles ]
[ Softly ]
I don't wanna punch you
in the nose, big chicken,
so I'm just gonna lay down
and die now.
Okay?
Here I am dyin'.
[ Whispering ]
Call the police.
No, no.
G-G-Go call the police.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Building an ostrich pen
actually felt pretty good.
But not as good as seeing
all the faces of the campers...
gettin' inspired
by my positive example.
They couldn't keep
their eyes off me.
- Randy, give me the nail gun.
- No, no. I-I need it.
For what?
You're not doin'
a damn thing.
[ Shouts ]
[ Nail Gun Firing ]
I think I got one
in his McNugget.
- You can have it now.
- [ Boys Bickering,
Indistinct ]
You know what? If y'all
don't stop fightin', I swear
to God I'll slap you so hard,
you'll both switch colors.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
This place is crazy, huh?
It's like a farm or somethin'.
- What are you doin' here?
- Well, you must be doin'
somethin' right,
'cause they called us up
and told us we could bring
the boys up here.
Careful with that sander, honey.
You don't wanna injure
your toilet-scrubbing hand.
Quiero agradecer
a todo el público latino
que nos acompaña cada semana,
y para los que no son latino,
les felicito
por aprender otra idioma.
Sorry, sweetheart.
I don't speak maid.
We're gonna need
Dodge's birthday.
June--
Wait. Do me a favor.
What's this say?
That's a Smurfette
ridin' a skateboard.
No. Under that?
- Oh, June 10.
- Mmm, that's it.
- What about Earl Jr.?
- Darnell?
April 3.
[ Earl Narrating ]
With Catalina's help,
I finished the ostrich pen
a lot sooner than I thought.
Well, I think
I can cross this one off.
I'll go get us some fresh water.
As a child, they wouldn't
let us drink from the well
because of the bodies.
Look, Earl.
They're playin' Right Choice.
Remember that?
Right Choice is,
hands on your nose.
Right Choice is,
stand on one foot.
- All right. Now punch
your neighbor's arm.
- Ow!
- I didn't say "Right Choice."
- [ All Laugh ]
[ Bobby ]
Right Choice is,
hands on your nose.
Trick is, you just watch
what everybody else is doin'
and do what they do.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I'm not sure why,
but that's when it hit me.
I didn't just screw up
my own future by burning down
that barn,
I screwed up Randy's too.
I'm puttin' you
on the list.
What?
I'm puttin' you
on the list.
When I got us thrown out
of here, I didn't just
destroy that barn,
I destroyed your chance
to be a better person.
I gotta put you on the list.
No, no, Earl. I'm glad
we got thrown out of here.
This place is total chaos.
I saw a pig eatin'
his own poo.
But, Randy, if I didn't get us
kicked out, you could've had
a completely different life.
Now look at that guy
Bobby over there.
Perfectly pleated khakis.
Havin' a good job. Flossin'.
That could've been you.
I don't wanna be
that guy, Earl.
I don't wanna floss.
It makes my tongue hurt.
Randy, give me the pen.
No.
You're goin'
on the list, Randy!
I don't wanna!
It's not up to you.
It's up to karma!
[ Nail Gun Fires ]
[ Groans, Screams ]
Mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, mother,
Mother!
Pull it out.
Pull it out!
Karma did this, Randy,
'cause you're not
on the list.
Put yourself
on the list!
No!
Do it!
No!
Do it!
Do it!
No!
I burned down
the barn, okay!
I did it. It wasn't you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy wasn't lyin'.
Though he had been
for quite a few years.
Hey, Earl.
Can I have
a drag of that?
No. You're not old enough.
No smokin' till you're 10.
Come on. Let's go inside.
We're gonna play a game of
Duck Duck Everyone's a Winner.
[ Earl Narrating ]
But Randy didn't wanna
go inside that night.
He wanted to smoke.
[ Clucking ]
Unfortunately,
he wasn't alone in the barn.
[ Shouts ]
There you go.
Now if you do it
to the other hand,
I wanna take you
to my church so I can watch
all the old ladies cry.
I'm sorry, Earl.
The good news is, you don't
have to put me on your list.
It's not your fault
that this place didn't turn me
into a good person. It's mine.
No, no. It's not my fault
you didn't turn out
like Bobby over there.
It's your fault.
It's also your fault that
I didn't turn out like Bobby.
- You want me to make a list
of my own and put you on it?
- No, I don't, Randy.
You don't need to make a list.
Your list is right here.
- This is your list.
- Not anymore it's not.
It's our list.
Seeing how this place
coulda turned me around,
I figure you're responsible
for everything bad I did
since the summer of 1982.
And that's about 200 things.
Good luck.
Stupid Carson Daly.
[ Snores ]
Wakey, wakey,
hands off snakey.
- What are you doin'?
- Time to get up. Gotta get
started on your list.
I chose the first one.
Took doughnuts from a bank
where I was not a customer.
- Do I have to go now?
- Randy, people don't want their
doughnuts in the afternoon.
Oh, sure they would.
If you put gravy on 'em.
Or meat inside.
With that smart frog
from Return of the Jedi
on my back.
- [ Continues Snoring ]
- Randy, wake up.
Poopie trim--
Huh?
[ Chattering ]
Can't I just leave 'em on
the table with the other stuff?
Nope.
You gotta tell people
what you did
and why you're here.
All of 'em?
All of 'em.
- Everybody, listen up!
- [ Women Shrieking ]
Drop the doughnuts!
Just drop the doughnuts.
[ Woman Whimpers ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy spent the whole day
crossin' things off my list.
My name in Earl,
and I stole this birdbath
out of a pickup truck...
in the parking lot
of this building.
Is it yours?
[ Smacks Lips ]
Nope.
This birdbath was stolen
out of the back
of a pickup truck--
It is bad luck
to accept a birdbath
from a stranger.
- [ Groaning ]
- My name is Earl.
What up, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop?
[ Both Laugh ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
It wasn't easy, but the hard
things in life never are.
Randy was responsible
for who I became,
and it was his job to make up
for everything bad I did.
Sir, my name is Earl,
and I slept with your wife.
- [ Groans ]
- Was it in my own house?
In my own bed?
Uh, I'll check.
It was in your own house,
but it was on the couch,
the counter,
the piano, the--
[ Groans ]
Wait.
I've been married
a few times.
Who are you
talking about?
I'll find out.
It was Sherry.
Sherry?
That's fine.
If you had said Linda,
that'd be another story.
Done.
He was okay with it
so long as it wasn't Linda.
Check out number 188.
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was relaxin' to have Randy
do my list for me.
Kind of like a vacation.
But then he came across
somethin' on the list
he couldn't do on his own.
- I got one I can't do.
- Too bad.
Figure it out.
I can't.
Number 98--
told Dodge and Earl Jr.
we would have...
a father-son day
at Mystery Fun Land
and didn't take them.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had promised the boys...
I'd take them
to Mystery Fun Land.
But I had also promised myself
I'd go to an AC/DC concert.
- Hey, boys!
- You told us you would take us
to Mystery Fun Land.
Front row.
They opened
with "Moneytalks."
Well, I would have probably
taken 'em if I didn't get
kicked out of camp, Randy.
I would have probably had
my own Mystery Fun Land.
On my own private island.
- The "Earlhamas."
- The "Earlhamas"?
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe I'd be rich
and own a bunch of islands.
Would there have been
an island for me?
Yeah, probably.
Damn it.
[ Woman Announcer On TV,
Indistinct ]
Well, I can't fix this one.
They won't let me sign Dodge and
Earl Jr. out of bad kid camp.
They say either you or Joy
or Darnell have to do it.
[ Exhales ]
Fine.
I'll do this one.
But you gotta do another one
while I'm gone.
Number 53--
put used gum under almost
every table I've ever sat at.
[ TV Continues,
Indistinct ]
How am I supposed to know
which ones are "mines"
and which ones are yours?
You kids ready
to have a good time?
[ Together ] Yeah!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and the boys headed on down
to Mystery Fun Land.
I figured after a couple hours
of Skee-Ball and a handful
of rides on the bumper cars,
I'd be able
to cross 'em off my list...
and get back to watchin'
buildings fall down on TV.
However, there was
a small problem with that plan.
Mystery Fun Land was gone.
It's gone.
What?
Mystery Fun Land.
It's gone.
They tore it down.
I can't cross you
off the list.
You mean,
your idiot list?
Is that what
your mom calls it?
Yeah.
She puts another word
in front of idiot,
but I don't know what it means.
The guy in Scarface
says it a lot.
I know what it means.
Yeah, my idiot list.
You guys are on here
'cause I didn't take you
to Fun Land. You're number 98.
But if there's no Fun Land,
there's no way
to cross you off.
I don't know what
I'm supposed to do. This has
never happened before.
What if we just forgive you?
What?
When someone tells the truth
and says they're sorry,
you forgive them.
That's what we learned
at camp.
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when they made me
realize somethin'.
It's never too late to make
the right choices in life.
And forgivin' people you love--
Well, that's a right choice
I still hadn't made.
If these little monsters
could forgive me, why couldn't
I forgive my own brother?
- [ Sniffs ] Nicorette.
That's yours, Joy.
- Hey, doofus.
If I wanted to see
that again, I wouldn't have
put it up under the table.
Why don't you go
get started on the back
of my headboard?
Anything that's grape
was put there by Earl.
- Randy, you can stop now.
- I gotta go start
on the headboard.
No, it's okay.
It's not your list anymore.
I forgive you.
What?
I know you're sorry
for what you did back then,
and when somebody you love
is sorry, you forgive 'em.
I am sorry I burned down
that barn, Earl.
I know you are.
It's okay.
Oh, my God.
You two are a couple
of fruits.
I think it's sweet.
Well, why don't y'all
go have a three-way?
Pack of fruitcakes.
I don't care
what she thinks.
I don't either, Randy.
My God,
I'm gonna vomit.
Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?
Do you think an ostrich
could get all the way here
from the Right Choice Ranch?
Yeah. I mean, it could
probably walk that distance
if it really wanted to.
But I think the chances of it
headin' in the right direction,
gettin' up the stairs...
and findin' this particular room
are pretty slim.
I'm gonna make sure
the door is locked.
[ Door Lock Clicks ]
machine is a popular way
to pass time at the Crab Shack.
- Especially when the rat
gets in it.
- A little more left.
If you can't pick him up
by a foot, go for
the chunky part.
I know what I'm doin'. I gotta
sneak up on him from the back
while he's humping that Grover.
- Now!
- [ Machine Whirring ]
Be careful when you pull him
out of the slot.
He's gonna be angry.
He's not gonna be angry.
I saved him.
- [ Rat Squeaks ]
- Ow!
Maybe I should've let him finish
his business with the Grover
before I took him.
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
[ Joy ]
They are monsters, Darnell.
Those kids
are two little monsters.
They used my going-out
lipstick to draw boobs
on the car headlights again.
Joy, I'm tryin' to work.
Sweetheart, you're picking
crabmeat out of claws.
It's not like you're
in a hospital doing
a kidney transplantation.
[ Earl Narrating ]
There were a few things I missed
about being married to Joy.
Her children
were not two of 'em.
Boys get into trouble, Joy.
That's what they do.
- Tell her, Earl.
- Oh, I'm just, uh--
I'm j-- gettin' a beer,
and the rat's back
in the--
What are you askin' him for?
He was worse at disciplinin'
those kids than you are.
[ Earl Narrating ]
She was right.
I always found it best
not to get too involved.
[ Man ]
There you go.
Well, I'm sure
if you put your
two heads together,
you'll be able to,
uh--
Good luck.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I felt bad for Darnell.
But I felt good for me. Those
kids were no longer my problem.
Those kids are beyond fixin'.
They wouldn't even accept 'em
over at the rotten kids camp.
I mean, I ran out of space
on the application.
How bad do they
have to be?
- Are you talking about
the Right Choice Ranch?
- Yeah.
- Whose last name did you put
on the application?
- Yours. Hickey.
That's their legal last name.
Dr. Crabmeat here...
hasn't come up with the $180
to change their names yet.
- Seems like a waste.
I like Hickey.
- [ Exhales ] Damn it.
[ Earl Narrating ] That's when
I realized what I thought wasn't
my problem, actually was.
Number 164--
burned down a barn
at the Right Choice Ranch.
You see, as children,
me and Randy got into
a little trouble here and there.
[ Groaning ]
And our parents didn't seem
to be very entertained
by our antics.
Eventually they had no choice
but to take Randy and me
to the Right Choice Ranch.
It was a nice little camp
that helped troubled kids
turn their lives around.
However, their slogan
raised some eyebrows.
Over the years
they tried new slogans,
but they never
could get it right.
[ Man ]
The Right Choice is,
hands on your head.
The Right Choice is,
hands on your knees.
The Right Choice is,
hands in the air.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Within a few hours, we were
already startin' to learn...
that you didn't have to be bad
to have fun.
[ Shouts ]
We also learned
that Randy was afraid of birds.
[ Quacking ]
[ Shouting ]
Then, which brings us
back to the list,
there was an accident.
I had only recently
taken up smokin',
and properly disposing
of my cigarette butts...
was a habit I hadn't mastered.
They sent Randy and I packing.
Any chance of us being reformed
went up in flames.
Now Joy's kids shouldn't
have to pay for my mistakes.
No, they're gonna have plenty
of their own to pay for.
You're going to a farm?
Shh.
I'm not tellin' Randy.
He's afraid of chickens.
And the pope's big hat.
But mainly 'cause he thinks
there's a chicken under it.
Can I go?
I worked on a farm
growing up.
Oh, yeah?
Where was it?
I don't know.
We were always blindfolded
when they took us there.
But I know they shot
my father in San Pascual,
so it must have been
north of the river of blood.
Man!
A surprise destination.
Give me a hint, Earl.
Like, has funnel cakes.
Okay.
Does not have
funnel cakes.
Does not have
funnel cakes.
Okay.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't like trickin' Randy,
but I was hoping he might
conquer his fear of birds.
He's never grown out of it.
- [ Bird Squawks ]
- Hey, Earl. Did you see
what that stupid bird--
- [ Shouts ]
- [ Thuds ]
Right Choice Ranch?
Yep. Does not have
funnel cakes.
I'm gonna cross
that burned barn off my list.
You okay with that?
Yeah. 'Course.
Why wouldn't I be?
[ Rooster Crows ]
Earl, that was a rooster.
That's a man chicken.
They're the meanest of 'em all.
They got that red flappy thing
under their mouth.
I don't even know
what they make that out of.
I'm afraid of birds,
and I don't care
what you think of me.
It's okay. We all have
our fears. I'm afraid
of snakes and rape.
Come on.
Let's go find the farmer.
[ Crowing Continues ]
I can't remember. With chickens,
are you supposed to play dead
or punch 'em in the nose?
Well, I'll be.
Earl Hickey.
We've been tellin' everybody
around here you're dead.
Nope. Not dead yet.
But my heart did stop briefly
back in 1992 when I got stepped
on at a Motörhead concert.
No, it's not that.
It's just that...
- when we tell the kids the
legend of the barn-burner--
- [ Chicken Clucking ]
we think it's kinda
nice to finish it
with you bein' dead.
Shot in the face actually.
Really? I have a legend?
And a plaque.
Oh.
You're the example
the counselors use...
for someone who made
the wro choice...
here at the
Right Choice Ranch.
Hey, Bud,
little Hector said
that seeing that
baby lamb get born...
has convinced him
to laser off
his teardrop tattoo.
Hey, okay, Hector.
¡Bueno! !Bueno!
Oh, this here's Bobby.
He was probably at the camp
when you were.
He was brought here when
he pulled out all the teeth
from his brother.
He's a successful
businessman now.
He comes here
and volunteers
on weekends.
Earl here's thinkin'
of making up for burnin'
down our barn.
Yep. Gotta undo all
the bad things I did
so I can have a better life.
Well, if you're looking to make
up for burnin' the barn, we sure
could use a proper ostrich pen.
- You guys have an ostrich?
- Yeah.
We got him for the
"Racism Is Having Your Head
in the Sand" bonfire.
We put a little K.K.K. hood
on him and let him chase
the kids around.
All right then.
I'll build that racist
ostrich a pen.
Maybe the campers will learn
somethin' by seeing Earl Hickey
do some good.
- There you go.
- Just do me a favor.
Don't mention to my brother
that there's an ostrich
roamin' around.
[ Clucking ]
What are you gonna do now,
you stupid bird?
I'm behind a fence.
Stupid chick--
[ Warbles ]
[ Softly ]
I don't wanna punch you
in the nose, big chicken,
so I'm just gonna lay down
and die now.
Okay?
Here I am dyin'.
[ Whispering ]
Call the police.
No, no.
G-G-Go call the police.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Building an ostrich pen
actually felt pretty good.
But not as good as seeing
all the faces of the campers...
gettin' inspired
by my positive example.
They couldn't keep
their eyes off me.
- Randy, give me the nail gun.
- No, no. I-I need it.
For what?
You're not doin'
a damn thing.
[ Shouts ]
[ Nail Gun Firing ]
I think I got one
in his McNugget.
- You can have it now.
- [ Boys Bickering,
Indistinct ]
You know what? If y'all
don't stop fightin', I swear
to God I'll slap you so hard,
you'll both switch colors.
- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.
This place is crazy, huh?
It's like a farm or somethin'.
- What are you doin' here?
- Well, you must be doin'
somethin' right,
'cause they called us up
and told us we could bring
the boys up here.
Careful with that sander, honey.
You don't wanna injure
your toilet-scrubbing hand.
Quiero agradecer
a todo el público latino
que nos acompaña cada semana,
y para los que no son latino,
les felicito
por aprender otra idioma.
Sorry, sweetheart.
I don't speak maid.
We're gonna need
Dodge's birthday.
June--
Wait. Do me a favor.
What's this say?
That's a Smurfette
ridin' a skateboard.
No. Under that?
- Oh, June 10.
- Mmm, that's it.
- What about Earl Jr.?
- Darnell?
April 3.
[ Earl Narrating ]
With Catalina's help,
I finished the ostrich pen
a lot sooner than I thought.
Well, I think
I can cross this one off.
I'll go get us some fresh water.
As a child, they wouldn't
let us drink from the well
because of the bodies.
Look, Earl.
They're playin' Right Choice.
Remember that?
Right Choice is,
hands on your nose.
Right Choice is,
stand on one foot.
- All right. Now punch
your neighbor's arm.
- Ow!
- I didn't say "Right Choice."
- [ All Laugh ]
[ Bobby ]
Right Choice is,
hands on your nose.
Trick is, you just watch
what everybody else is doin'
and do what they do.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I'm not sure why,
but that's when it hit me.
I didn't just screw up
my own future by burning down
that barn,
I screwed up Randy's too.
I'm puttin' you
on the list.
What?
I'm puttin' you
on the list.
When I got us thrown out
of here, I didn't just
destroy that barn,
I destroyed your chance
to be a better person.
I gotta put you on the list.
No, no, Earl. I'm glad
we got thrown out of here.
This place is total chaos.
I saw a pig eatin'
his own poo.
But, Randy, if I didn't get us
kicked out, you could've had
a completely different life.
Now look at that guy
Bobby over there.
Perfectly pleated khakis.
Havin' a good job. Flossin'.
That could've been you.
I don't wanna be
that guy, Earl.
I don't wanna floss.
It makes my tongue hurt.
Randy, give me the pen.
No.
You're goin'
on the list, Randy!
I don't wanna!
It's not up to you.
It's up to karma!
[ Nail Gun Fires ]
[ Groans, Screams ]
Mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, mother,
mother, mother, mother,
Mother!
Pull it out.
Pull it out!
Karma did this, Randy,
'cause you're not
on the list.
Put yourself
on the list!
No!
Do it!
No!
Do it!
Do it!
No!
I burned down
the barn, okay!
I did it. It wasn't you.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy wasn't lyin'.
Though he had been
for quite a few years.
Hey, Earl.
Can I have
a drag of that?
No. You're not old enough.
No smokin' till you're 10.
Come on. Let's go inside.
We're gonna play a game of
Duck Duck Everyone's a Winner.
[ Earl Narrating ]
But Randy didn't wanna
go inside that night.
He wanted to smoke.
[ Clucking ]
Unfortunately,
he wasn't alone in the barn.
[ Shouts ]
There you go.
Now if you do it
to the other hand,
I wanna take you
to my church so I can watch
all the old ladies cry.
I'm sorry, Earl.
The good news is, you don't
have to put me on your list.
It's not your fault
that this place didn't turn me
into a good person. It's mine.
No, no. It's not my fault
you didn't turn out
like Bobby over there.
It's your fault.
It's also your fault that
I didn't turn out like Bobby.
- You want me to make a list
of my own and put you on it?
- No, I don't, Randy.
You don't need to make a list.
Your list is right here.
- This is your list.
- Not anymore it's not.
It's our list.
Seeing how this place
coulda turned me around,
I figure you're responsible
for everything bad I did
since the summer of 1982.
And that's about 200 things.
Good luck.
Stupid Carson Daly.
[ Snores ]
Wakey, wakey,
hands off snakey.
- What are you doin'?
- Time to get up. Gotta get
started on your list.
I chose the first one.
Took doughnuts from a bank
where I was not a customer.
- Do I have to go now?
- Randy, people don't want their
doughnuts in the afternoon.
Oh, sure they would.
If you put gravy on 'em.
Or meat inside.
With that smart frog
from Return of the Jedi
on my back.
- [ Continues Snoring ]
- Randy, wake up.
Poopie trim--
Huh?
[ Chattering ]
Can't I just leave 'em on
the table with the other stuff?
Nope.
You gotta tell people
what you did
and why you're here.
All of 'em?
All of 'em.
- Everybody, listen up!
- [ Women Shrieking ]
Drop the doughnuts!
Just drop the doughnuts.
[ Woman Whimpers ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy spent the whole day
crossin' things off my list.
My name in Earl,
and I stole this birdbath
out of a pickup truck...
in the parking lot
of this building.
Is it yours?
[ Smacks Lips ]
Nope.
This birdbath was stolen
out of the back
of a pickup truck--
It is bad luck
to accept a birdbath
from a stranger.
- [ Groaning ]
- My name is Earl.
What up, Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop?
[ Both Laugh ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
It wasn't easy, but the hard
things in life never are.
Randy was responsible
for who I became,
and it was his job to make up
for everything bad I did.
Sir, my name is Earl,
and I slept with your wife.
- [ Groans ]
- Was it in my own house?
In my own bed?
Uh, I'll check.
It was in your own house,
but it was on the couch,
the counter,
the piano, the--
[ Groans ]
Wait.
I've been married
a few times.
Who are you
talking about?
I'll find out.
It was Sherry.
Sherry?
That's fine.
If you had said Linda,
that'd be another story.
Done.
He was okay with it
so long as it wasn't Linda.
Check out number 188.
[ Earl Narrating ]
It was relaxin' to have Randy
do my list for me.
Kind of like a vacation.
But then he came across
somethin' on the list
he couldn't do on his own.
- I got one I can't do.
- Too bad.
Figure it out.
I can't.
Number 98--
told Dodge and Earl Jr.
we would have...
a father-son day
at Mystery Fun Land
and didn't take them.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I had promised the boys...
I'd take them
to Mystery Fun Land.
But I had also promised myself
I'd go to an AC/DC concert.
- Hey, boys!
- You told us you would take us
to Mystery Fun Land.
Front row.
They opened
with "Moneytalks."
Well, I would have probably
taken 'em if I didn't get
kicked out of camp, Randy.
I would have probably had
my own Mystery Fun Land.
On my own private island.
- The "Earlhamas."
- The "Earlhamas"?
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe I'd be rich
and own a bunch of islands.
Would there have been
an island for me?
Yeah, probably.
Damn it.
[ Woman Announcer On TV,
Indistinct ]
Well, I can't fix this one.
They won't let me sign Dodge and
Earl Jr. out of bad kid camp.
They say either you or Joy
or Darnell have to do it.
[ Exhales ]
Fine.
I'll do this one.
But you gotta do another one
while I'm gone.
Number 53--
put used gum under almost
every table I've ever sat at.
[ TV Continues,
Indistinct ]
How am I supposed to know
which ones are "mines"
and which ones are yours?
You kids ready
to have a good time?
[ Together ] Yeah!
[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and the boys headed on down
to Mystery Fun Land.
I figured after a couple hours
of Skee-Ball and a handful
of rides on the bumper cars,
I'd be able
to cross 'em off my list...
and get back to watchin'
buildings fall down on TV.
However, there was
a small problem with that plan.
Mystery Fun Land was gone.
It's gone.
What?
Mystery Fun Land.
It's gone.
They tore it down.
I can't cross you
off the list.
You mean,
your idiot list?
Is that what
your mom calls it?
Yeah.
She puts another word
in front of idiot,
but I don't know what it means.
The guy in Scarface
says it a lot.
I know what it means.
Yeah, my idiot list.
You guys are on here
'cause I didn't take you
to Fun Land. You're number 98.
But if there's no Fun Land,
there's no way
to cross you off.
I don't know what
I'm supposed to do. This has
never happened before.
What if we just forgive you?
What?
When someone tells the truth
and says they're sorry,
you forgive them.
That's what we learned
at camp.
[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when they made me
realize somethin'.
It's never too late to make
the right choices in life.
And forgivin' people you love--
Well, that's a right choice
I still hadn't made.
If these little monsters
could forgive me, why couldn't
I forgive my own brother?
- [ Sniffs ] Nicorette.
That's yours, Joy.
- Hey, doofus.
If I wanted to see
that again, I wouldn't have
put it up under the table.
Why don't you go
get started on the back
of my headboard?
Anything that's grape
was put there by Earl.
- Randy, you can stop now.
- I gotta go start
on the headboard.
No, it's okay.
It's not your list anymore.
I forgive you.
What?
I know you're sorry
for what you did back then,
and when somebody you love
is sorry, you forgive 'em.
I am sorry I burned down
that barn, Earl.
I know you are.
It's okay.
Oh, my God.
You two are a couple
of fruits.
I think it's sweet.
Well, why don't y'all
go have a three-way?
Pack of fruitcakes.
I don't care
what she thinks.
I don't either, Randy.
My God,
I'm gonna vomit.
Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?
Do you think an ostrich
could get all the way here
from the Right Choice Ranch?
Yeah. I mean, it could
probably walk that distance
if it really wanted to.
But I think the chances of it
headin' in the right direction,
gettin' up the stairs...
and findin' this particular room
are pretty slim.
I'm gonna make sure
the door is locked.
[ Door Lock Clicks ]