My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 10 - White Lie Christmas - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Chattering ]



All right, everybody.

The competition starts
in two minutes. Two minutes.

Get your spot.

You know the rules.
Competitor puts their hand
on the car.

If at any point in time
they take their hand
off the car, they're out.

You can't come between us.
We're Chinese twins.
Yeah.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So why am I trying
to win a car...

when I already have a perfectly
good 1973 El Camino...

with a 1977 door
and a 1987 Camaro transmission?

Well, it's not for me.
It's for the list.

Number 74-- always ruined
Joy's Christmas.

When Joy and I were married,
I wasn't exactly thoughtful
with my gift-givin'.

What are these for?
Whatever you want, baby.

- How are these for me?
- They're flavored.
Merry Christmas.



Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

- Wait. These are my keys.
- I know. I found 'em.

Do we have to give
this car to Joy
if we win?

We could use a new car
ourselves. You know,
one to do stunts with.

Randy, I didn't give her
a real Christmas gift
for six years.

- I gotta give her something big
to make up for that.
- But she already has a car.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Thank you.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy did already have a car.

Wipe your feet
before you come in, boys.

But it wasn't very practical
for the whole family.

All right, one minute.
One minute till
the competition begins.

Earl.

- Randy.
- Catalina,
where have you been?

I had... to blow...

off work.

Well, hurry in here.
This thing's about to start.

[ Catalina ]
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Permiso.

[ Man ]
We were here first.
[ Woman ] Yeah.

I'm on.

I'm Johnny Bubble Wrap,
pop, pop, pop, poppin'
with ya live...

at our hands on a car
competition.

- Who wants to win a car?
- [ Cheering ]

All right, everybody.
Hands on the car.

Three, two, one.

Don't let go.

Thanks for doing this
with me, Randy.

If we work together as a team,
keep an eye on each other,

make sure we stay alert,
I think we can win this.

Let's do it.
Yep.

[ Buzzer ]
You're out!

No, no, no.
I was just shakin'
his hand.

- I didn't mean to.
- Oh. You're out!

Yeah. You're out, buddy.

You are out.
[ Laughs ]
[ Buzzer ]

Damn it.

This sucks.
What am I gonna do now?

Don't worry, Earl.
Me and Catalina are here.
We're gonna win.

- [ Man Grunts ]
- Thanks, Randy.

Keep your hand
on the roof.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While Randy was keeping
his hand on the car for me,

I thought I'd take care
of another thing on my list.

You see, Joy wasn't the only
person I disappointed when it
came to Christmas presents.

[ Both Chuckling ]

- Earl, did you finish putting
the boys' bikes together?
- Uh-huh.

There better be
some of that beer left
for Christmas mornin'.

We should go on a beer run.
Are we okay to drive?

I know a good way
to find out.

If I can steer that
remote control car around the
living room without crashing,

then we're okay.

Randy, that's the cat.

- [ Meows ]
- We shouldn't drive.

[ Chuckles ]

That's when I realized
we might be too drunk
to drive,

but we weren't
too drunk to pedal.

Although I learned
a valuable lesson that night.

If you're gonna try
to fly a bicycle,

you better make sure
E.T. is sitting in your basket
instead of a 12-pack of beer.

[ Bike Horn Honks ]
[ Crash ]

[ Distorted Horn Honks ]

Well, I guess you two
weren't good enough
this year, huh?

That's a shame.

[ Bicycle Bell Rings ]
[ Distorted Horn Honks ]

Knowin' I owed these poor kids
a couple of bikes,

I went over to ask Joy
what color they might like.

Hello?
Earl!

Son of a bitch.
[ Laughs ]

Buzz and Connie Darville.
Joy's parents.

Good people.
Business owners.

Hi. We're the Darvilles.
Of Darville's Waterbeds
in Medford.

If you can find a cheaper
place in Medford to
buy a water bed,

well, you're not in Medford,
because we're the only
water bed store.

So come on down
if you wanna sleep on water.

[ Together ]
You don't have any other choice.

[ Announcer ]
Darville Waterbeds,

where Route 2
meets the railroad tracks.

Look for the big blue sign,
go two miles south, make a left,

and park behind the Dumpster.

- Buzz, Connie.
- You're back.

- I'm what?
- Welcome home, soldier.

[ Joy ]
You're back.

Oh, my God! You're back.
[ Chuckles ]

You're back from Iraq,
home for the holidays.

Back from the war in Iraq.

I prayed you'd
come home safely, Son.

You bring any of that
Middle East sand
with you?

Check your shoes, Son.
'Cause you can sell that stuff
on the Internet.

I bought a towel
from one of Saddam's
bathrooms.

Had a dove on it.
You believe that?
A dove.

- That hypocritical
son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.

[ Chuckles ]
Mama, Daddy,

he's been gone for months,
and a wife has her needs,

so if y'all
will excuse us.

- Take me to the bedroom.
- What?

Take me to the bedroom.

- Go on, Son.
You-- You've earned it.
- Thanks.

What the hell is goin' on?
Why are your parents
still callin' me "Son"?

- They think
we're still married.
- What?

Shh.

You know how traditional
my parents are.

If they found out I got divorced
and married to a black man,
they'd crap in a sock.

They think of me as their
little angel. Now come on.

Help me slosh around
on the water bed and make it
sound like we're doin' it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
This isn't the first time...

Joy's asked me to lie
to her parents about Darnell.

She'd made me do it
when we were married
and she had his baby.

You know how, uh, sometimes
two, uh, black people...

will make an albino baby?

Yeah. I've seen that
at the mall.
That is weird.

You been away too long.
Too long.

Wait. Why is your mother
in a wheelchair?

It's been a rough year.
She got rheumatoid arthritis
and kidney failure.

Has to get dialysis
twice a week, poor thing.

[ Water Sloshing ]
Oh, yeah.
Give it to me, Earl.

Give it to me like you
gave it to those terrorists.
Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't mind you
being that passionate
sometimes.

Her legs work.

I'm not gonna do this,
Joy. I got my list now.

I'm trying to be
a better person.

I'm not gonna
lie to a woman
in a wheelchair.

Earl, if Daddy finds out
about Darnell, I won't
get a penny in his will.

He found out I was gonna
go on a date with a black guy
in high school,

and he threatened
to take away
all my white blue jeans.

Darnell's okay with this?
He doesn't care that his
wife's father is a racist?

Darnell is fine with it.
Not everybody is tryin'
to change the world, Earl.

Some of us are just trying
to get our fair taste
of a water bed business...

when our parents
kick the bucket.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Darnell
was fine with it.

While Joy's parents
were in town, he was staying
at a nativity scene...

down at the local church
since there wasn't room for him
at his own double-wide inn.

- I can't lie to 'em, Joy.
It's bad karma.
- Karma this, dummy.

If you tell them the truth,
they'll both get in their R.V.
and drive home.

- That's not my problem.
- You're gonna ruin
Christmas, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
She had me.

The last thing I wanted to do
was ruin Christmas.

So the next few days,
I pretended Joy and I
were still married.

What's it like
fightin' over there
in the desert?

Well, Buzz,
it's a lot like the beach.

Except the sharks have guns,
and they're runnin' around
on the sand shootin' at ya...

and yellin' in a fish language
you don't understand.

It-- It got to me.

He's my hero.

Oh, honey.
Yes, he is.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd take the day shift,

and Darnell would sneak back in
for the night shift.

Thanks, Earl. It's cold
outside in that manger.
I don't know how Jesus did it.

No problem, Crab Man.
I'll be back in the morning.

- Put a beer can in the window
when it's safe to come in.
- Okay.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was busy making sure
I didn't ruin Joy's Christmas,

Randy was keeping his hand
on that car...

so I could cross her off
for ruinin' the last six.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After a few days,
time took its toll,

and there were only
three people left-- and one
of them was gettin' tired.

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Screaming ]
[ Buzzer ]

- You're out.
- Damn it.

We did it, Catalina.
We won. Joy's gonna
get her car.

Joy? I'm not
doing this for Joy.
I hate Joy.

B-But I-- I thought we were
doing this together.
You know, like a team.

I never said that.
When I win this car,
I'm keeping it.

But Catalina,
winning this car for Joy...

is my Christmas present
to Earl.

This is for a family
at Christmas.

- You know,
feliz "naviblah."
- That means nothing.

To you, maybe,
but in American that means
Christmas in Mexican.

Joy and her dad had taken
the boys to the mall,

so it was the perfect time
to sneak their new bikes
into the trailer.

Joy's mom was home,
but I was confident
she could keep a secret.

[ Connie ]
Go, go, go!
Yes, go, yes, go!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Go, go, go, go!

Atta baby! Go, baby!
Go, baby, go, baby!
Go, go, go, go.

Oh, damn-- it.

Hey.

Turns out Connie
had a secret of her own.

- You can walk.
- Oh, my God.

- Is that what I'm doing?
- Were you gambling?

Fine. Damn it.
I've got a gambling problem,
okay?

Not all of us can be lucky
enough to get our thrills...

from going off
and killing bad people.

- Don't you judge me.
- No, I-I'm not judging you. I--

I'm just a little
surprised, that's all.
So you're not sick?

I fake dialysis
so Buzz doesn't know
I go to the track.

He thinks we get
a 10% discount if I
pay the doctor in cash.

Buzz, give me
a thousand dollars.
I gotta go in for dialysis.

Again? You just went
this morning.
Yeah.

My kidney's
really flarin' up today.

Let me take you.
Just give me the grand.

Post time's in 20 minutes.
Post time?

I don't have time
to explain medical terms
to you.

My kidney's failin'.

I understand the kidney stuff
to explain the money
and the time to go gamble.

But why the wheelchair?
Seems unnecessary.

I sprained my ankle a few
months ago, and I got used
to being pushed around.

- Don't you judge me.
- No, I'm not--

- [ Car Horn Honks ]
- [ Connie ]
Oh, my God. Is that them?

Oh, my God.
Earl, please don't tell.
They're gonna be so mad.

You're not gonna
let 'em know, are you?
It'll ruin Christmas.

You don't want to ruin
Christmas, do you, Earl?

[ Earl Narrating ]
The last thing I wanted to do
was ruin Christmas.

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Earl Groans ]

Her favorite song
came on the radio, and she
really wanted to dance.

[ Snapping Fingers ]

While I was busy
keeping everyone's secrets,

Randy and Catalina
were battling it out
for the car.

For a woman who spent
four days on a raft
to get to America,

Catalina was surprisingly
sensitive to the sun.

Catalina?

Catalina?
Papa?

No, Catalina.
It's me, your friend Randy.

I don't know where
the goat went, Papa.

You bastard.
When a woman faints,
you catch her.

When a woman faints,
she doesn't keep
her hand on the car.

Damn. My elbow's bleeding.
I hit a rock.

And this is
my favorite elbow.

Don't show me blood.
I-- I can't see blood.

Why? Do you have
a problem with blood?

[ Groans ]

- [ Buzzer ]
- You're out!

We got a winner.

Well, congratulations.
We have a lot of paperwork
to fill out.

You wanna start
by giving me your
Social Security number?

My what?

Your Social
Security number.

Of course.

4-2...

1-3-6-7-8...

2-5-7-6...

8-14-11-6.

Six. You a citizen?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Catalina
had a secret of her own.

Randy won the car
by default.

Everything was fallin'
into place.

[ Gasps ]

Hey--

Hey, Connie.
Where are you goin'?

To the Indian casino.
I have to gamble, Earl.
I have a problem.

Don't judge me.
What--

But that's Joy's
Christmas gift.

[ Starter Cranking ]

Where's the car?

At the Indian casino.
I lost it.

How could you lose
the car?

Place your bets.
Place your bets.

Dodge Neon on number seven.

Dodge Neon.

- Dodge Neon plays.
- Yes.

I can't believe
you lost my car.
That car was for Joy.

- I was gonna give it
to her for Christmas.
- Don't you judge me.

Come on.
It's been 20 minutes.
It's my turn.

No, it hasn't.
I been counting.
You said we'd share.

Maybe you can go out
to the dealership
in the morning...

and get a new one,
you know?

I think they give
discounts to soldiers.

Connie?
You're walkin'.

It's a Christmas miracle.

[ Door Opens ]

Mama, where's
your wheelchair?

Connie,
what's goin' on?

I'm done, Connie.

Oh. Okay. I have
a gambling problem.

My kidneys are fine.
I been using the dialysis
money to go gamble.

I've lost everything.
Don't judge me.

Whoa, whoa-- Wait, wait.
What-- What do you mean
everything?

Remember when I told you to
sign the business over to me
in case something bad happened?

Something bad happened.
Mama found on-line Pai Gow.

That business
was gonna be mine.

How could you do this
to the family? How--

How could you lie
right to our faces?

Baby, we got
any orange soda?

- Oh, my God, it's a Negro.
Quick, we're bein' robbed!
- I got him.

- Earl! Grab his feet, Son.
- Let him go, Buzz.

Help me hold him
till the cops get here, Son.

Stop callin' me "Son," okay?
I'm not your son.

I can't do this anymore.

- He's your son.
- What?

I'm your son.

You are?

You Thelma's boy?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Buzz
had a secret of his own.

Joy was wrong.
Her father didn't hate
black people.

He loved 'em.

[ Giggling ]

- How'd you find me?
- Well, he is your son.

Look at his ears.
He's got white people ears.

My God.
He is not your son.

He's my husband,
you idiot.

- I didn't tell you 'cause
I thought you were racist.
- I'm not racist.

Why'd you flip out
when I wanted to go out with
that black guy in high school?

Because... that
particular black guy
was your half-brother.

- One of 'em.
- You lyin' son of a bitch.

Well, ain't that the pot
callin' the kettle black.

I'm a black pot, am I?
That'd turn you on,
wouldn't it, buster?

You wanna do it
to a black pot?
You wanna dance, Mr. Kettle?

[ Earl Narrating ]
They argued like this
for the rest of the night,

each one of 'em thinking
that the other's secret
was worse than their own.

But eventually,
morning came,

and when the sun came up
and the creatures
started to stir,

well, they had to stop.

* Have a holly jolly Christmas

* It's the best time
of the year *

* I don't know
if there'll be snow *

* But have a cup of cheer

[ Earl Narrating ]
And before you knew it,
the fightin' was over.

Sure, they all had secrets--
big ones.

But the truth is,
the only reason everybody
was keepin' their secrets...

was 'cause they didn't
want to lose each other.

Now that they had
nothin' to hide, they could
just relax and enjoy Christmas.

And that meant Joy
had the best Christmas
she's ever had.

I could cross her
off my list.

* ...kiss her once for me

* Have a holly jolly Christmas

* And in case you didn't hear

* Oh, by golly have
a holly jolly Christmas
this year *

Hey, Earl?
Yeah, Randy?

What's your favorite
Christmas gift
you ever got?

Probably
my Stretch Armstrong
Stretch Monster. You?

Weeble wobbles.

- Earl?
- Yeah?

I was the one who cut open
your Stretch Armstrong
Stretch Monster...

to see what was inside.

I know, Randy.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.