My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 7 - Stole Beer from a Golfer - full transcript
Seven months ago, a golfer named Scott bought everyone at a golf canteen a drink because he hit a hole-in-one. Earl happened to be in that canteen and, to his surprise, found himself getting a free beer. As Earl himself puts it in the narration, "to some people, a free beer might not mean too much. But for a guy who just lost his last 12 dollars and is stuffin' free nuts in his pocket... it's a life saver", and with Randy, he started fixing Scott's games so he'd always win and be so happy about his golf performance he'd buy everyone at the canteen a drink. Now, Earl wants to make up for this by giving Scott back all the beer he had cost him. But giving back the beer turns out to be not even half the challenge: Scott thought he was such a good golfer that he started to spent all his time on golf, which got him fired and dumped. Earl realizes this is all his fault and decides he has to get Scott his job and girlfriend back to be able to cross him off the list. Meanwhile, Randy gets more and more agitated because he really wants to go to the annual county fair instead of helping Earl with his list.
You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Good morning.
Could I have two beers
and three of them pink eggs
out of the big jar, please?
You got it.
Hey, everybody!
I'm Gus, the Camden
County Fair bear.
Who's ready for some fun?
Enjoy food, fun, prizes,
an Osama bin Laden
shooting gallery.
And this year, get your picture
taken inside the actual car...
from Smokey and the Bandit.
It's gonna be bear-tastic.
It's here. It's here!
Earl. Earl, it's here!
It's here!
[ Earl Narrating ] Every year
there are three things
Randy gets excited about--
amnesty day at the adult
video store, the high school
cheerleader bikini dog wash...
and the Camden County Fair.
What exactly is
a county fair?
It's like Disneyland
for poor people.
They got
a Ferris wheel, bumper boats,
bands you thought were dead.
Last year, they had
the world's tallest midget.
He was as tall
as you, Earl, remember?
I think that might
have been a scam, Randy.
I don't know.
That was one tall midget.
This year, they got the car
from Smokey and the Bandit.
- What is Smokey and the Bandit?
- Only the best movie ever made.
Hurry up, Earl.
I wanna get down there...
before the lines
are too long for
the world's smallest giant.
We'll go, right after
I cross somethin' off my list.
But you did two yesterday.
Can't you take the day off?
Randy, I can't enjoy myself
at the fair unless I cross
somethin' off.
All right, well,
pick something easy.
I will.
Not the deaf girl.
That's gonna take forever.
Here we go. Number 139--
stole beer from a golfer.
[ Chattering ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
About seven months ago, I was
playing a game of chance...
with a few of my friends
over at the local country club.
Son of a bitch.
That's it for me, Pablo.
I'm tapped out.
Good luck, fellas.
Good night.
Cashew. Fancy.
Beers are on me, boys.
I just got a hole in one.
[ Men Cheering ]
Here you go, sir.
[ Earl Narrating ]
To some people a free beer
might not mean too much,
but for a guy who just lost
his last $12...
and is stuffing free nuts
in his pocket,
it's a lifesaver.
I explained to Randy how this
guy buys drinks after he gets
one of these holes in ones,
and the next Saturday
we went back
for more free beer.
To make sure we looked
like we belonged there,
we went by the thrift store
and picked up some
golfing clothes.
Hey.
You just finished playing
a golf match contest?
- Yep.
- You get any holes in ones?
- No.
- You sure?
You got one last week.
Yeah. Yeah,
I'm pretty sure I didn't.
- What'd you shoot?
- Who, me?
Yeah. You get
any birdies out there?
I got... 12.
You got 12 birdies?
How many under were you?
I, um--
Excuse me.
I have to go call my banker.
What's that guy's handicap?
Ah, he's just a little slow,
that's all.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out, holes in ones
don't happen that often.
So, we decided to help things
out a little.
Oh!
[ Shouting ]
Guess who just got
another hole in one?
[ All Cheering ]
Every Saturday,
Randy and I would make sure
this guy hit a perfect shot.
Next Saturday,
if I break 80, I'm buying
all you guys lunch, huh?
[ All Cheering ]
Knowing that we could
start gettin' free lunch
with our free beer,
Randy and I made sure this guy
had the game of his life.
Guys, you aren't gonna
believe this, but I just
got another hole in one...
and the new course record.
No way!
You're the man!
Hey, let's get these boys
some hot wings,
and make 'em spicy,
'cause I'm on fire.
He's on fire!
Yeah! Yeah!
Make mine mild.
I got a sensitive tongue.
Every Saturday we would make
sure the golfer played good
enough to pay our bar tab.
Ow!
Things were great,
until Randy started bragging
to everyone at the Crab Shack.
Guess who just got another--
That was the day
they started checking I.D.'s
at the door.
The free ride was over.
All I have to do is buy
that golfer some beer.
Easy enough for you?
Eastbound and down.
Let's do it, Snowman.
You mean the Bandit.
I'm the Bandit,
you're Snowman.
How come you always get
to be the Bandit?
'Cause I got a mustache.
You gotta have a mustache
to be the Bandit.
My mother could be
the Bandit.
- I can't believe you did that.
- I know. It's crazy.
But it's true.
It's right here on my list--
"Stole beer from a golfer."
I'm here to make things
right. So if you wanna
give me a hand,
we can load this beer
into your car,
and I'll be on my way.
We're going to the fair.
You know, the one the bear
talks about on TV.
You were fixing my games.
I thought I had mastered golf.
I was gonna go pro.
This is why
I've been so bad lately.
I just thought I was in a slump.
I've done nothing
for the past five months
except try to get good again.
I had a tendon from my thigh
put in my arm to try to get
more release from my drives.
Well, now you can stop wasting
your time and start drinking
some free beer.
Go ahead and pop
open your trunk.
We'll get these cases
in there so I can cross
you off my list.
Sure. Whatever.
Your trunk's kind of full.
How you gonna get all
this beer back to your house?
This is my house.
You live in your car?
Cool.
I kind of remember
something about you having some
sort of fancy job or something.
I was an accountant at Buckland
and Simon, but I got fired
after I kind of lost my focus.
[ Man ]
About six points from--
Sorry.
I had a, uh, uh,
doctor's appointment.
Once I got obsessed with golf,
it's all I thought about.
I lost everything.
But now you have beer.
So sometimes things
work out.
Thanks for telling me the truth.
You can cross me off
your list thing.
- Go have fun at the fair.
- Oh, we will.
[ Singsongy ]
Fair, fair, fair,
fair, fair, fair, fair.
Sorry again. See ya.
Fair, fair, fair,
fair, fair, fair, fair.
He doesn't look happy.
Who?
Scott, the guy
living in his car.
It's my fault, Randy.
I ruined his life.
I gotta fix it.
Fix what?
He's got a nice car.
It's got a TV in it, Earl.
I'm not done with him until
I get him his job back.
Gus, the fair bear here.
Three days left and then
the fair goes into hibernation.
So don't get caught napping.
Come to the fair.
It's bear-riffic!
Bear-riffic.
Bear-riffic.
I wanted 'em to take me
seriously when I went to try
and get Scott his job back,
so I wore the suit
my public defender bought me.
So wait a minute.
You made him think he was great
at golf just to get free beer?
- Yes, we did.
- Unbelievable!
Will you take him back?
Sure I'll take him back,
just for the jokes alone.
[ Laughing ]
Hello?
Oh, hey, Earl.
Coffee?
Got your job back, buddy.
You're kidding.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
- That's what I do--
I fix things.
- Wow.
Too bad I don't have
my girlfriend back.
Then things would be perfect.
- Your who?
- Tess.
Turns out Scott lost
more than just his job--
[ Golf Club Swinging ]
when he became obsessed
with golf.
[ Golf Club Swinging ]
Honey, would you mind
scooching down
to the other end of the couch?
I can see you moving
around in my backswing,
and it's a little distracting.
I'm breaking up with you.
When I get back home,
I want you out.
Okay, honey.
You have fun.
Would you grab my new
putting machine from the car
on the way back up, please?
What's wrong with me?
Let's go call your girlfriend.
No, no.
You don't have to do that.
Yes, I do, Scott.
Yes, I do.
[ Moans ]
Hey, everybody, only two days
left to see the car from
Smokey and the Bandit.
It's bear-awesome!
Oh, man, it is bear-awesome.
We're never gonna
make it to the fair.
She took the phone
off the hook.
Don't worry. We'll get her.
And then we'll go to the fair.
We just have to figure out
how to get his girl back.
What would the Bandit do,
Bandit?
Bandit wouldn't have lost
the girl in the first place.
No, he wouldn't have.
But guys from
other movies have.
Maybe the Bandit never
had to get a girl back,
but I did see a movie
once where the guy
from Ferris Bueller did.
So I thought we'd try that.
What the hell are you doing?
- Is that a cross?
- No.
No, no. God, no!
That's my seven iron
resting on top of the--
I'm trying to show
my old girlfriend
I'm giving up golf.
- She lives right above you.
Sorry.
- Scott?
What are you doing?
- I'm proving my love.
- By burning a swastika
in my yard?
- What? Oh, man!
- I got it.
I'm burning my golf clubs
'cause I'm done with golf. I'll
do anything to get you back.
I never should have
put golf ahead of you.
Please forgive me.
I miss you.
[ Sighs ]
I miss you too.
- [ Earl ]
Damn it!
- Who is that?
That's Earl.
I'm on his list.
How you doin'?
Hi. Oh, your foot
is on fire.
Hmm?
[ Gasps ]
[ Screaming ]
Get it off!
Get it off!
[ Glass Smashing ]
- We're not moving!
- Sorry, sir.
Well, that's the last one.
You're officially
moved back in.
[ Car Horn Honking ]
Hold on.
I'm comin'.
Okay.
You got your job back,
your girlfriend.
You're moved back
into your old place.
I think we're done.
Thank you so much.
This is so great.
Life is back to normal again.
Poochie. Poochie.
Come here, boy!
Poochie! Poochie.
Uh, S-Scott?
Huh?
Poochie's gone.
What do you mean?
When you left, I had to take
a second job to pay the rent.
I couldn't take care of him.
I gave him up for adoption.
[ Sighs ]
I'll find your dog.
- What?
- It's my fault he's gone.
Just write the name of
the pet adoption place...
on the back of the picture
and I'll find him.
Okay. Great. Thanks.
No, Earl,
you've already done so much.
You can cross me off the list.
I don't mind.
It doesn't matter if
you mind. Karma minds.
Your old life had a Poochie,
I gotta find your Poochie.
That's how the list works.
Come on, Bandit.
We got a long way to go
and a short time to get there.
Sorry, Snowman.
We got a little
longer to go.
- You guys are
gonna find Poochie.
- No, no, Earl. The fair.
Excuse us.
I hate you.
Look, I have to do this.
The fair.
It's almost over.
Really, Randy?
The fair's in town?
This is the first time
you've said anything about it.
You said we wouldn't miss it.
You'd cross something easy
off your list, and then we'd go.
What do you want me to do?
Maybe if you'd quit whining...
about the stupid fair
and helped out a little more,
maybe I'd be done already.
Since when is the fair stupid?
We've been going since
we were little kids.
Remember when
we used to have fun?
Life isn't about
always having fun.
Maybe it's time for you
to grow up and realize that.
Now go wait in the car.
I'm sorry about that.
Don't worry. I'll find your dog.
But that's it, right?
Then your life is exactly back
to the way it was seven
months ago? We're done?
Yes. I think that should put
everything back to normal.
- Good.
- Unless--
You didn't have sex
with anyone else while
we were broken up, did you?
I used my hand
on a guy a little.
Yeah, I'm not sure how
to un-ring that bell.
[ Sighs ]
Randy? Randy?
What's going on?
My damn brother took off
with my car keys. Probably
hitched a ride to the fair.
Well, that sucks.
Well, do you want a ride?
I was gonna shave anyway.
Sure. Thanks.
He's not in there.
Doesn't make sense. He's been
begging to come here all week.
Well, people are funny.
When I was really into golf,
Tess used to bug me about taking
her to Colonial Williamsburg.
After she left me,
did she go?
No. She went to Ozzfest and
churned some guy's butter.
Oh, my God.
I'm doing
the same thing you did.
I'm obsessed with my list.
My list is my golf.
I gotta find my brother.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to tell Randy I was
sorry for the way I acted.
I figured he'd eventually
show up at the Crab Shack,
but he didn't.
When he didn't
come home all night,
I started to get worried.
I went to look for him
in the one place
I didn't want to find him.
Hello there.
What can I do you for?
This guy hasn't been
in here, has he?
Well, yeah. He's here right now.
Where?
Right in front of me.
That's you, silly.
[ Laughing ]
How 'bout the guy in
the picture that isn't me?
Have you seen him?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he came in.
What happened? Is he okay?
Don't worry.
He just wanted to sell some
of his blood for a bus ticket.
Are you sure it was him?
Yeah.
I had to yell at him...
because he was carving
in that chair over there.
Yeah, I know that's me.
How 'bout the guy in
the picture that isn't me?
Have you seen him?
Oh, yeah. I sold him
a ticket to Hagerstown.
Hagerstown?
Yeah. Oh, while we're
showing pictures--
Here's my daughter.
That's her fiancé, Paul.
He's Canadian.
But not the French kind,
so we're fine with it.
[ Earl ]
So he ran off to Hagerstown,
and he took my car keys,
and I couldn't follow him.
I'm good. Thanks.
I just hope he forgives me
when I find him.
I just can't stand the thought
of him all alone somewhere,
miserable and hatin' me.
Stop the bus!
Stop the--
Could you please tell him
to stop the bus?
[ Tires Skidding ]
You went to get the dog?
Yeah.
The adoption place told me
where to find him in Hagerstown.
You were right, Earl.
I shouldn't have
been complaining.
I should've been helping.
Come here, Poochie.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Thing is, I wasn't right.
I was dead wrong.
Whoa!
But Randy was too sweet
to notice.
That's when I realized I needed
to add something to my list.
Number 260--
neglected Randy.
And this is one I don't ever
plan on crossin' off.
That way I won't ever stop
tryin' to make it up to him.
Come on, Randy.
I bet if we get on this bus,
we can catch the last
couple hours of the fair.
That's okay, Earl.
We can go to the fair next year.
Is that blue sugar
in a bag?
Yep.
Can I have it?
All right. Go ahead.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was right. We would go
to the fair next year,
but I still felt like
I owed him somethin'
for missin' it this year.
[ Horn Honking ]
The Bandit car.
Caught up with the fair outside
Cumberland and convinced 'em
to rent it to us for the day.
The whole day?
The whole day.
Yep. And today,
you get to be the Bandit.
The whole day?
The whole day, brother.
[ Laughs ]
Yes!
Hey, uh, you just finished
playing a golf champion?
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
My damn brother locked the keys.
No, he didn't lock 'em.
He took 'em.
- [ Grunts ]
- I wanna get down there
before the lines...
for the world's
smallest giant are too big.
[ Crew Laughing ]
Your life is exactly
what it was seven months
of fee-pa-chew, na-ka-too.
Look at me
and I look at you.
[ Chuckles ]
He looked like
a chicken "choo-keepa."
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
[ Gibberish Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
Whoo-hoo!
who does nothing
but bad things...
and then wonders why
his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,
somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized
I had to change.
So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,
and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Good morning.
Could I have two beers
and three of them pink eggs
out of the big jar, please?
You got it.
Hey, everybody!
I'm Gus, the Camden
County Fair bear.
Who's ready for some fun?
Enjoy food, fun, prizes,
an Osama bin Laden
shooting gallery.
And this year, get your picture
taken inside the actual car...
from Smokey and the Bandit.
It's gonna be bear-tastic.
It's here. It's here!
Earl. Earl, it's here!
It's here!
[ Earl Narrating ] Every year
there are three things
Randy gets excited about--
amnesty day at the adult
video store, the high school
cheerleader bikini dog wash...
and the Camden County Fair.
What exactly is
a county fair?
It's like Disneyland
for poor people.
They got
a Ferris wheel, bumper boats,
bands you thought were dead.
Last year, they had
the world's tallest midget.
He was as tall
as you, Earl, remember?
I think that might
have been a scam, Randy.
I don't know.
That was one tall midget.
This year, they got the car
from Smokey and the Bandit.
- What is Smokey and the Bandit?
- Only the best movie ever made.
Hurry up, Earl.
I wanna get down there...
before the lines
are too long for
the world's smallest giant.
We'll go, right after
I cross somethin' off my list.
But you did two yesterday.
Can't you take the day off?
Randy, I can't enjoy myself
at the fair unless I cross
somethin' off.
All right, well,
pick something easy.
I will.
Not the deaf girl.
That's gonna take forever.
Here we go. Number 139--
stole beer from a golfer.
[ Chattering ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
About seven months ago, I was
playing a game of chance...
with a few of my friends
over at the local country club.
Son of a bitch.
That's it for me, Pablo.
I'm tapped out.
Good luck, fellas.
Good night.
Cashew. Fancy.
Beers are on me, boys.
I just got a hole in one.
[ Men Cheering ]
Here you go, sir.
[ Earl Narrating ]
To some people a free beer
might not mean too much,
but for a guy who just lost
his last $12...
and is stuffing free nuts
in his pocket,
it's a lifesaver.
I explained to Randy how this
guy buys drinks after he gets
one of these holes in ones,
and the next Saturday
we went back
for more free beer.
To make sure we looked
like we belonged there,
we went by the thrift store
and picked up some
golfing clothes.
Hey.
You just finished playing
a golf match contest?
- Yep.
- You get any holes in ones?
- No.
- You sure?
You got one last week.
Yeah. Yeah,
I'm pretty sure I didn't.
- What'd you shoot?
- Who, me?
Yeah. You get
any birdies out there?
I got... 12.
You got 12 birdies?
How many under were you?
I, um--
Excuse me.
I have to go call my banker.
What's that guy's handicap?
Ah, he's just a little slow,
that's all.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out, holes in ones
don't happen that often.
So, we decided to help things
out a little.
Oh!
[ Shouting ]
Guess who just got
another hole in one?
[ All Cheering ]
Every Saturday,
Randy and I would make sure
this guy hit a perfect shot.
Next Saturday,
if I break 80, I'm buying
all you guys lunch, huh?
[ All Cheering ]
Knowing that we could
start gettin' free lunch
with our free beer,
Randy and I made sure this guy
had the game of his life.
Guys, you aren't gonna
believe this, but I just
got another hole in one...
and the new course record.
No way!
You're the man!
Hey, let's get these boys
some hot wings,
and make 'em spicy,
'cause I'm on fire.
He's on fire!
Yeah! Yeah!
Make mine mild.
I got a sensitive tongue.
Every Saturday we would make
sure the golfer played good
enough to pay our bar tab.
Ow!
Things were great,
until Randy started bragging
to everyone at the Crab Shack.
Guess who just got another--
That was the day
they started checking I.D.'s
at the door.
The free ride was over.
All I have to do is buy
that golfer some beer.
Easy enough for you?
Eastbound and down.
Let's do it, Snowman.
You mean the Bandit.
I'm the Bandit,
you're Snowman.
How come you always get
to be the Bandit?
'Cause I got a mustache.
You gotta have a mustache
to be the Bandit.
My mother could be
the Bandit.
- I can't believe you did that.
- I know. It's crazy.
But it's true.
It's right here on my list--
"Stole beer from a golfer."
I'm here to make things
right. So if you wanna
give me a hand,
we can load this beer
into your car,
and I'll be on my way.
We're going to the fair.
You know, the one the bear
talks about on TV.
You were fixing my games.
I thought I had mastered golf.
I was gonna go pro.
This is why
I've been so bad lately.
I just thought I was in a slump.
I've done nothing
for the past five months
except try to get good again.
I had a tendon from my thigh
put in my arm to try to get
more release from my drives.
Well, now you can stop wasting
your time and start drinking
some free beer.
Go ahead and pop
open your trunk.
We'll get these cases
in there so I can cross
you off my list.
Sure. Whatever.
Your trunk's kind of full.
How you gonna get all
this beer back to your house?
This is my house.
You live in your car?
Cool.
I kind of remember
something about you having some
sort of fancy job or something.
I was an accountant at Buckland
and Simon, but I got fired
after I kind of lost my focus.
[ Man ]
About six points from--
Sorry.
I had a, uh, uh,
doctor's appointment.
Once I got obsessed with golf,
it's all I thought about.
I lost everything.
But now you have beer.
So sometimes things
work out.
Thanks for telling me the truth.
You can cross me off
your list thing.
- Go have fun at the fair.
- Oh, we will.
[ Singsongy ]
Fair, fair, fair,
fair, fair, fair, fair.
Sorry again. See ya.
Fair, fair, fair,
fair, fair, fair, fair.
He doesn't look happy.
Who?
Scott, the guy
living in his car.
It's my fault, Randy.
I ruined his life.
I gotta fix it.
Fix what?
He's got a nice car.
It's got a TV in it, Earl.
I'm not done with him until
I get him his job back.
Gus, the fair bear here.
Three days left and then
the fair goes into hibernation.
So don't get caught napping.
Come to the fair.
It's bear-riffic!
Bear-riffic.
Bear-riffic.
I wanted 'em to take me
seriously when I went to try
and get Scott his job back,
so I wore the suit
my public defender bought me.
So wait a minute.
You made him think he was great
at golf just to get free beer?
- Yes, we did.
- Unbelievable!
Will you take him back?
Sure I'll take him back,
just for the jokes alone.
[ Laughing ]
Hello?
Oh, hey, Earl.
Coffee?
Got your job back, buddy.
You're kidding.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
- That's what I do--
I fix things.
- Wow.
Too bad I don't have
my girlfriend back.
Then things would be perfect.
- Your who?
- Tess.
Turns out Scott lost
more than just his job--
[ Golf Club Swinging ]
when he became obsessed
with golf.
[ Golf Club Swinging ]
Honey, would you mind
scooching down
to the other end of the couch?
I can see you moving
around in my backswing,
and it's a little distracting.
I'm breaking up with you.
When I get back home,
I want you out.
Okay, honey.
You have fun.
Would you grab my new
putting machine from the car
on the way back up, please?
What's wrong with me?
Let's go call your girlfriend.
No, no.
You don't have to do that.
Yes, I do, Scott.
Yes, I do.
[ Moans ]
Hey, everybody, only two days
left to see the car from
Smokey and the Bandit.
It's bear-awesome!
Oh, man, it is bear-awesome.
We're never gonna
make it to the fair.
She took the phone
off the hook.
Don't worry. We'll get her.
And then we'll go to the fair.
We just have to figure out
how to get his girl back.
What would the Bandit do,
Bandit?
Bandit wouldn't have lost
the girl in the first place.
No, he wouldn't have.
But guys from
other movies have.
Maybe the Bandit never
had to get a girl back,
but I did see a movie
once where the guy
from Ferris Bueller did.
So I thought we'd try that.
What the hell are you doing?
- Is that a cross?
- No.
No, no. God, no!
That's my seven iron
resting on top of the--
I'm trying to show
my old girlfriend
I'm giving up golf.
- She lives right above you.
Sorry.
- Scott?
What are you doing?
- I'm proving my love.
- By burning a swastika
in my yard?
- What? Oh, man!
- I got it.
I'm burning my golf clubs
'cause I'm done with golf. I'll
do anything to get you back.
I never should have
put golf ahead of you.
Please forgive me.
I miss you.
[ Sighs ]
I miss you too.
- [ Earl ]
Damn it!
- Who is that?
That's Earl.
I'm on his list.
How you doin'?
Hi. Oh, your foot
is on fire.
Hmm?
[ Gasps ]
[ Screaming ]
Get it off!
Get it off!
[ Glass Smashing ]
- We're not moving!
- Sorry, sir.
Well, that's the last one.
You're officially
moved back in.
[ Car Horn Honking ]
Hold on.
I'm comin'.
Okay.
You got your job back,
your girlfriend.
You're moved back
into your old place.
I think we're done.
Thank you so much.
This is so great.
Life is back to normal again.
Poochie. Poochie.
Come here, boy!
Poochie! Poochie.
Uh, S-Scott?
Huh?
Poochie's gone.
What do you mean?
When you left, I had to take
a second job to pay the rent.
I couldn't take care of him.
I gave him up for adoption.
[ Sighs ]
I'll find your dog.
- What?
- It's my fault he's gone.
Just write the name of
the pet adoption place...
on the back of the picture
and I'll find him.
Okay. Great. Thanks.
No, Earl,
you've already done so much.
You can cross me off the list.
I don't mind.
It doesn't matter if
you mind. Karma minds.
Your old life had a Poochie,
I gotta find your Poochie.
That's how the list works.
Come on, Bandit.
We got a long way to go
and a short time to get there.
Sorry, Snowman.
We got a little
longer to go.
- You guys are
gonna find Poochie.
- No, no, Earl. The fair.
Excuse us.
I hate you.
Look, I have to do this.
The fair.
It's almost over.
Really, Randy?
The fair's in town?
This is the first time
you've said anything about it.
You said we wouldn't miss it.
You'd cross something easy
off your list, and then we'd go.
What do you want me to do?
Maybe if you'd quit whining...
about the stupid fair
and helped out a little more,
maybe I'd be done already.
Since when is the fair stupid?
We've been going since
we were little kids.
Remember when
we used to have fun?
Life isn't about
always having fun.
Maybe it's time for you
to grow up and realize that.
Now go wait in the car.
I'm sorry about that.
Don't worry. I'll find your dog.
But that's it, right?
Then your life is exactly back
to the way it was seven
months ago? We're done?
Yes. I think that should put
everything back to normal.
- Good.
- Unless--
You didn't have sex
with anyone else while
we were broken up, did you?
I used my hand
on a guy a little.
Yeah, I'm not sure how
to un-ring that bell.
[ Sighs ]
Randy? Randy?
What's going on?
My damn brother took off
with my car keys. Probably
hitched a ride to the fair.
Well, that sucks.
Well, do you want a ride?
I was gonna shave anyway.
Sure. Thanks.
He's not in there.
Doesn't make sense. He's been
begging to come here all week.
Well, people are funny.
When I was really into golf,
Tess used to bug me about taking
her to Colonial Williamsburg.
After she left me,
did she go?
No. She went to Ozzfest and
churned some guy's butter.
Oh, my God.
I'm doing
the same thing you did.
I'm obsessed with my list.
My list is my golf.
I gotta find my brother.
[ Earl Narrating ]
I wanted to tell Randy I was
sorry for the way I acted.
I figured he'd eventually
show up at the Crab Shack,
but he didn't.
When he didn't
come home all night,
I started to get worried.
I went to look for him
in the one place
I didn't want to find him.
Hello there.
What can I do you for?
This guy hasn't been
in here, has he?
Well, yeah. He's here right now.
Where?
Right in front of me.
That's you, silly.
[ Laughing ]
How 'bout the guy in
the picture that isn't me?
Have you seen him?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he came in.
What happened? Is he okay?
Don't worry.
He just wanted to sell some
of his blood for a bus ticket.
Are you sure it was him?
Yeah.
I had to yell at him...
because he was carving
in that chair over there.
Yeah, I know that's me.
How 'bout the guy in
the picture that isn't me?
Have you seen him?
Oh, yeah. I sold him
a ticket to Hagerstown.
Hagerstown?
Yeah. Oh, while we're
showing pictures--
Here's my daughter.
That's her fiancé, Paul.
He's Canadian.
But not the French kind,
so we're fine with it.
[ Earl ]
So he ran off to Hagerstown,
and he took my car keys,
and I couldn't follow him.
I'm good. Thanks.
I just hope he forgives me
when I find him.
I just can't stand the thought
of him all alone somewhere,
miserable and hatin' me.
Stop the bus!
Stop the--
Could you please tell him
to stop the bus?
[ Tires Skidding ]
You went to get the dog?
Yeah.
The adoption place told me
where to find him in Hagerstown.
You were right, Earl.
I shouldn't have
been complaining.
I should've been helping.
Come here, Poochie.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Thing is, I wasn't right.
I was dead wrong.
Whoa!
But Randy was too sweet
to notice.
That's when I realized I needed
to add something to my list.
Number 260--
neglected Randy.
And this is one I don't ever
plan on crossin' off.
That way I won't ever stop
tryin' to make it up to him.
Come on, Randy.
I bet if we get on this bus,
we can catch the last
couple hours of the fair.
That's okay, Earl.
We can go to the fair next year.
Is that blue sugar
in a bag?
Yep.
Can I have it?
All right. Go ahead.
[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy was right. We would go
to the fair next year,
but I still felt like
I owed him somethin'
for missin' it this year.
[ Horn Honking ]
The Bandit car.
Caught up with the fair outside
Cumberland and convinced 'em
to rent it to us for the day.
The whole day?
The whole day.
Yep. And today,
you get to be the Bandit.
The whole day?
The whole day, brother.
[ Laughs ]
Yes!
Hey, uh, you just finished
playing a golf champion?
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
My damn brother locked the keys.
No, he didn't lock 'em.
He took 'em.
- [ Grunts ]
- I wanna get down there
before the lines...
for the world's
smallest giant are too big.
[ Crew Laughing ]
Your life is exactly
what it was seven months
of fee-pa-chew, na-ka-too.
Look at me
and I look at you.
[ Chuckles ]
He looked like
a chicken "choo-keepa."
[ Speaking Gibberish ]
[ Gibberish Continues ]
[ Laughing ]
Whoo-hoo!