My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 6 - Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Winning $100,000
in the lottery...



has opened the door
to the finer things in life.

- Where have you been?
- Food shoppin'.

- You got real Frosted Flakes.
- No more generic
Sweetie Bits for you, brother.

You're ridin'
the karma train now.

Choo, choo.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I like being able to afford
nice things for my brother.

But having money
can create problems too.

That's my ex-wife Joy.

What do you think
you're doing?

- Hi, Carolina.
- Catalina.

Mmm, potato, tomato. So where
does Earl keep his money?

Earl is my friend. I'm not gonna
help you steal his money.

Oh, well, that's
unfortunate for you,

because you are not the one
standing with the freshly
broken bottle, now, are you?



Well, this'll still hurt
if I hit you with it.

Joy, I've told you
a million times,

the money isn't
in the room.

Stop breaking in here
and messing the place up.
Fine.

But if you get
to eat fancy cereal,
your kids should too.

They're not my kids, Joy.

That must have been
very scary for you.

I can't live
like this, Joy.

What do I need to do
to get you to stop
trying to steal my money?

Buy me a hot tub.

I'm not gonna buy you
a hot tub.

I need my money
to help me cross
the things off my list.

Hey, Earl,
thanks for the flakes.

No problem, Crab Man.

You and that stupid list
of things you done bad
to people--

I better be
on there somewhere.
You are.

- There was a lot of things
on here I did to you.
- Like what?

- You want me to do one?
- Well, what's on there?

- If I do one, will you
leave me alone for a while?
- Yeah, fine. What's on there?

All right,
here's a good one.

Number 153--
broke Joy's fancy figurine.

I found something.

[ Giggling ]

Beer bottle.
I'll get a beer bottle.

- You're the one
that broke my figurine?
- I'm gonna make it up to you.

Are you now?
Let me ask you a question.

What happens when you can't fix
the bad thing you done
to somebody?

- What do you do then?
- I guess I figure out another
way to make it up to them.

- Like maybe buying them
a hot tub?
- I'm not buying you a hot tub.

I don't think you have a choice,
'cause that figurine
was irreplaceable.

It was a weird little princess
riding a lawn mower.

Just tell me where you got it
and I can buy you a new one.

Hey, Earl--
Temporary tattoos.
You want 'em?

No, thanks, Crab Man.
Make me itch.

I'll be back
with your figurine.

Yeah, and I'll be buck naked
behind the trailer,
waitin' for my hot tub.

Come on, boys.
Get up here and eat
your spaghetti.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Once I start doing something
on my list,

I become obsessed with it
until I cross it off.

I was even dreaming
about that stupid figurine.

"Balboa & Sons
Lawn Mowers."

They're always jabbin' me,
and it's easier to do this
while you're sleepin'.

Thank God.
I was startin' to worry
they weren't growin'.

Ma'am?

I'm looking to get
some information...

on a figurine
with a princess
riding a lawn mower...

that had your company's
name on it.

Oh. You'll need to speak
to Gertrude Balboa.

- Her office
is through that door.
- Thank you.

[ Hisses ]

Do you know when
Mrs. Balboa will be in?

Hello. I'm Gertrude Balboa.

How may I help you?

Oh, well, what do you know?

It's a pleasure, Mrs. Balboa.

So, do you know
what those figurines are?
Of course.

For over 40 years,

they've been first prize
in mother/daughter
beauty pageants.

How wonderful.

You see,
I'm trying to replace one
for my ex-wife, Joy Darville.

Joy Darville?
[ Chuckles ]

Adorable child.

[ Applause ]
I'm number one.
I'm number one.

Of course,
that was the year before...

Shelly Stoker and her mother
started entering the pageant.

[ Applause, Whistles ]

This year's
Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers...

Prettiest Pretty
Princesses are...

Elaine Stoker
and daughter Shelly.

[ Cheers, Applause ]

That began the reign
of the Stokers.

Joy never won again.

She only got one figurine,
and I blew it up. Damn!

- Language.
- Sorry.

Look. I need to make up
for something terrible I did.
Can I buy a figurine?

Oh, out of the question.

See, the only way
to get one...

is to be crowned
Prettiest Pretty Princess.

Ow! Earl, you gotta
touch this thing.
It's really hot.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Gertrude wouldn't
sell us a figurine,

we tracked down the only
other person we knew
that had one-- Shelly Stoker.

I just can't believe
you were married
to Joy Darville.

I haven't thought about
how much better I am
than her in years.

So, do you think
I can buy a figurine
from you?

Now, what kind of example
would that set for Candy
if I sold you one?

If you do not
put that book down,
I don't know what.

Candy's gonna win
her very first figurine...

at the 46th annual
Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers...

Prettiest Pretty Pageant
next week.

Not if we can't
find someone to help us
with our talent portion.

My mom's boyfriend
broke up with her.

- Watch your tongue,
Little Miss Mouthy.
- Yesterday.

I broke up with him.
You can't rely on men.

My mother told me that,
but did I listen?

- No. I bet you're not reliable.
- Not really.

No man is.
We're all alone.

We're all alone
in this world.

I'm sorry, Shelly.
We didn't mean
to cause any trouble.

- How tall are you?
- 6'1"... and a half.

If you'd be willing
to help us out with our talent,

we might be able
to work something out
with that figurine.

No problem.
What's your talent?

Oh, man.
You gotta let me try that.

Do not let him try that.

How come you never told me
you won a beauty contest?

Every day I walk out
of my front door
I win a beauty contest.

Did you get me
my hot tub yet?

Better.
I'm gonna get you
a Prettiest Pretty figurine.

You can't buy those, Earl.

No, but you can win 'em.

Oh, yeah?
What, you and your mama
gonna enter the next pageant?

What you gonna do,
put your mustache in pigtails?

I'm gonna help Shelly Stoker
and her daughter
with their talent,

and when they win,
they're gonna let me
keep the figurine.

I don't want the damn figurine.
I want my hot tub.

Now, I'm the one
on your list.
You have to listen to me.

What's on my list is,
I broke a little girl's
beauty pageant prize,

and I'm gonna give
that little girl
her prize back.

Okay, well, that little girl
is gone now,

and the woman that took her
place wants to sit and drink
rum in 106-degree water.

- Sorry. Soon as I
get you that figurine--
- [ Mouthing Words ]

I'm crossin' you off.
Well--

Well, what if
you don't win?

Hmm? See, 'cause I been
thinkin' about getting back
into the pageant business,

and if I win the figurine
myself, then you
can't cross me off.

You know, that'd be great
if, uh, you had a daughter.

You don't know.
I might be pregnant
with a little girl right now.

- The pageant's next week,
not in nine months.
- That'll make her the cutest,

tiniest daughter
in the whole pageant,
now, won't it?

Give it up, Joy.
You're not gettin' a hot tub.
You're gettin' a figurine.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew there was
no way we could lose.

Shelly told me
the Stoker women
had a gift--

a gift that was passed down
from generation to generation
of Stoker women.

[ Crowd Chattering ]

I have to admit,
it was impressive.

Candy, come on.
It's your turn
to practice.

Finally. Let's see
our little Stoker
break out the gift.

- I don't have the gift.
- Excuse me?

Don't worry.
She practices
with rubber knives.

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunting ]

Uh, h-how many days
until the competition?

Three, right?
That's starting to seem
a little short.

You are not even trying.

If we are gonna
win this pageant,
you have got to use your talent.

God made some of us
super pretty,

and some of us
knife throwers.

Now, believe in the gift.
You are a Stoker.

Maybe she can just
twirl a baton or something?

You need a game situation.
Real knives with a real person.

That is the only way you're
gonna reach inside of yourself
and grab hold of the gift.

[ Stammering ]
You know, I'd like
to go home now, actually.

- [ Moans ]
- Do it, Candy.

Now! Throw them now,
now, now!

Throw them, Candy!
Throw them!

[ Sharp Grunts ]

Oh! Baby has the gift.

She has the gift.
You have the gift.

I'm gonna go call Grandma.

Whoa.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was risking my life...

trying to win
the mother/daughter pageant,

Joy was trying to find
a way to enter.

You're too little.

Too tall.

My God.
Too many damn freckles.
[ Chuckles ]

And you're cute,
but you just don't have
that "it" factor.

- And how old are you?
- Seven.

Open your mouth.

What do you think
you're doing?

I'm adopting.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Now, with me not around,

Randy took advantage
of a little alone time
with Catalina.

Two jacks. That's war.
No, no, no, Catalina.

In this country,
that's called "truce,"

and we hug.

We're a peaceful nation.

You were amazing today.
There's no way
we can lose this thing.

Uh-huh.

We're just lucky you realized
you had the gift in time.

I've known since I was two.

[ Buzzing ]

I never told my mom
'cause I don't want
to do stupid beauty pageants.

Well, have you told her
you think they're stupid?

No. She'd just get mad.

She wants me to be
just like her.

But I like school.
I want to be a doctor someday.

Candy--

There are too many
doctors in the world,

and if I don't get
that figurine,

I have to buy my ex-wife
a hot tub,

and hot tubs cost
a lot of cake.

So you need to listen
to your mother.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was making sure
Candy stayed focused,

Joy was making her last attempts
at getting into the pageant.

Mama, I don't have a daughter.
That's why I need you
to enter it with me.

Well, fine.
All that smoking turned
your skin to leather anyway.

[ Beeps ]
Like Shelly's family were
knife throwers for generations,

Joy's family were smokers--

And that gave Joy an idea.

[ Indistinct Conversations ]

Hello.
Hi.

Uh, do you know what order
we're gonna go in?

'Cause I don't want to get
in my sequined jumpsuit
just yet.

What are you doing here?

I came to take home
one figurine
and one hot tub.

Me and my dead mama's ashes
would like to enter
the pageant, please.

Baby, I know you don't smoke,
but you're gonna have
to pick up the pace.

Unfortunately, there was no rule
that said that both mother
and daughter had to be alive.

There's a cigarette butt
in here.

Well, that makes sense.
That's what took her.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Never having been
to a beauty pageant before,

I gotta tell you,
they put on quite a show.

I even got to meet
a hometown celebrity.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Welcome to the 46th annual
Balboa & Sons...

mother/daughter Prettiest
Pretty Princess Pageant.

Here's your emcee
for the evening.

You know him from TV's
Son of the Beach,

and he was recently
robbed of a spot on
Dancin' with the Stars,

Mr. Tim Stack!
[ Cheers, Applause ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
But it wasn't
all lights and superstars.

Competition quickly took over.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Aren't they lovely, folks?

The model number
on those mowers...

is 5-5-4, "Z" as in zebra.

Now let's welcome to the stage
Joy Darville...

and the lovely but no longer
with us Mother Darville.

[ Cheers, Applause ]

[ Stack ]
Joy hails from Camden County,

where she enjoys feeding,
sheltering and cleaning
the poor.

Those are your
bathing suits?
Are you kiddin' me?

If we're gonna win this thing,
you guys gotta show
a little more skin.

Relax. It's all gonna
come down to the talent.

Besides, I can't wear
a bikini.

Somebody couldn't find
her way out of Mommy,

so I had to mutilate
my stomach with a C-section.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy knew she couldn't compete
with knife throwing,

but she wasn't going down
without a fight.

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Everyone was touched.

And to make sure no one could
claim her dead mother didn't
actually participate,

Joy brought her
into the act.

[ Applause ]

The Darvilles, everybody.
The Darvilles.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The audience really
sparked to Joy,

but I was confident a pair
of knife-throwing dynamos
would lead us to victory.

Winning this pageant
is gonna be the beginning
of great things for us.

After we win,
we're gonna tour the country,
just like my mother and I did.

You'll be the Prettiest Pretty
in every county.
How will I go to school?

I'll home-school you.
I'll teach you everything
you need to know about winning.

Mom, I wanna be
a doctor someday.

Honey, if I wanted
a doctor in the family,
I would have made a boy.

I'll go get our knives.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was right then that
I realized what I had to do.

As much as I wanted
to win that figurine
and cross Joy off my list,

it wasn't right to hurt
this little girl to do it.

Candy?
Yeah?

- I want you to hit me
with the knife.
- What?

Hit me in the leg.

It's the only way
your nut-job mother
is gonna let you off the hook.

You gotta lose.

But then we won't
get the figurine,

and you're gonna have to buy
your ex-wife a hot tub--

And hot tubs cost
a lot of cake.

It's okay.

Besides, when I'm old
I might need a doctor,

and I'd like that doctor
to be you.

Thanks, Earl.

But won't it hurt if I throw
a knife in your leg?

Aw, don't worry about it.
I been stabbed
by plenty of girls.

Only really hurts when you
twist it, pull it out,
and stick it back in.

All right! Let's welcome
to the stage...

the amazing talents
of Shelly and Candy Stoker.

[ Audience Applauds ]

[ Gasping, Murmuring ]

[ Applause ]

- [ Audience Gasps ]
- [ Groaning ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
As happy as her little face was,
all I could think about...

was being stabbed
was much more painful
than I remembered.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this year's Balboa & Sons
Lawn Mowers...

Prettiest Pretty
Princesses are...

Joy Darville
and cremated Mother Darville.

[ Earl Narrating ]
By taking that knife in the leg,

not only did I help
one little girl's dream
to be a doctor,

I also brought back
the little girl in Joy.

When I broke that figurine,
I broke more...

than a ceramic little girl
riding a 487 side-discharged,
self-mulching lawn mower.

I had taken away
a proud memory
from Joy's childhood.

And whether she knew it or not,
that was more important to her
than a hot tub.

[ Joy's Voice ]
I got it on my own.

You still owe me
a hot tub, you idiot.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I could have told her
she didn't do it on her own,

but then I would have
taken away her victory,
and I didn't want to do that.

Besides, it doesn't matter
if Joy thinks I can
cross her off my list or not.

All that matters
is that I know I can.

Come on, Earl.
I'm not gonna
be able to sleep.

Randy--
Just listen.
I'm only missing one.

[ Sighs ]
Fine.

There was Hannibal,
B.A., Faceman, and--

Murdock.

Yeah. Murdock.

Now turn the lamp off
and go to sleep.

What was the monkey's name
in B.J. and the Bear?

Randy.