My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Teacher Earl - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

Some people might be surprised
to see me wearing
a fancy jacket...



with leather elbows
and teachin' a class.

All right.
Let's get started.

But how hard can it be
to teach foreigners
to speak American?

Hi.

My name is Earl.

My name is Earl.

Really?
Well, hello, Earl.
[ Chuckles ]

In my country,
Earl's a boy's name.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So why am I here?
Number 27 on my list--

made fun of people
with accents.

Ooh. Not good.
That is berry, berry infected.

[ Suppressed Chuckle ]

Sir, you could lose your arm.
This is berry, berry serious.

Berry, berry?
You can't say "V"s.



Pardon to interrupt.
We are looking for the station
of the busses, ja?

Ah, ja, ja.

Erch-kie, birch-kie,
fart in church-kie.

[ Both Laughing ]

You "vant" I take your plate?

No. I "vant"
to suck your blood.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't sure how to make up
for all the teasin' I had done,

so I asked the one person
I know who also talks funny.

I mean, speaks with an accent.

You made fun of the way
people talk? You should
be ashamed of yourself.

I am. I just--
I don't know how I'm gonna
make up for it.

You wanna make up
for laughing at people...

who can't speak your language,
teach them your language.

I could do that.
Does the manager know...

you wash off the plastic cups
and put 'em back in the rooms?

It was his idea.
He told me not to waste my time
trying to be so clean...

now that Triple "A"
took away our half a star.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So here I am, teachin'.

The last time I stood in front
of a room full of foreigners,
I was robbing the D.M.V.

All right, guys.
Let's try some basic directions.

To get to the library,

you need to take a left
at the light.

Okay? You.
How do you get to the library?

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
These people were not
gonna find the library.

Man, that's crazy.
How do you come
to this country...

and expect to be able
to find the "liberry," and
you can't even speak English?

- Here's the food.
- Thanks, Crab Man.

Hey, I've been thinking about
coming up with another phrase
for when I drop off the food.

I have no opinion on that.
Yeah.

It's tricky.

I like "Here's the food,"
'cause that's what's happening.

Guess who just got out of prison
not a day early
for good behavior?

Ralph, my man!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph Mariano.
Before he went to prison,

me, Randy and Ralph
used to hang out together
and steal stuff.

Sometimes,
we'd have so much fun,
Hey, I made some nachos--

[ Siren Wails ]
we'd forget to steal.

Yeah. Eighteen months.
I missed you, buddy.
Yeah. Me too, man.

It feels good to hug a man
and know it doesn't have
to go anywhere.

How was prison?
Did they make you
go to sleep real early?

Well, they turned
the lights off
around 9:00,

but you can lay there
in the dark
as long as you want.

Hey, let me buy you
a beer.

No, no, no.
Hey, man, it's on me.
You know, in the joint,

the guards paid me
12 cents an hour
to do their taxes for 'em.

Man, those guys
are gonna be screwed!

Listen, don't tell Ralph about
me turning my life around...

and my list and everything,
okay?

- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't know
how he's gonna react.

I mean, I was the one
who taught him to steal.

I'm like his "wax on, wax off,"
"paint the fence" guy.

Mr. Miyagi.

What you doin', Ralph?
Hey, Earl.
Hi, Randy.

I was just thinking about
how much I wanted a gum ball.

But my mom
won't give me a nickel
until I clean my room.

Watch this.

We call that a street piñata.

Nice.
I'll go get us some sodas.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew I'd have to tell Ralph
about the list sooner or later.

But for now,
I just wanted to have fun
like the old days.

Yeah.

Earl?

My name is Earl.

- Hey, there, buddy.
- Hey, there, buddy.

- Shh.
- Shh.

Nothin' for me, Tonto.

[ Randy Chuckling ]

Sorry about that.
He's been in prison.

He doesn't know
you're supposed to say
"Native American."

[ Earl Narrating ]
Not wantin' to tell Ralph
I'd gone straight...

put me in somewhat of a pickle.

The guy just loves to steal.

It got me thinkin'.
What am I supposed to do...

when someone around me
loves doin' bad things?

Check it out, man.
Runaway bride.

Does karma expect me
to stop him?

I think I'm gonna let
my sister use this dress.

You know, I bet you some guys
would pay a lot of money
for a lap dance from a bride.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though I'm tryin'
to be a better person,

will karma hold me responsible
for the bad things
that my friends do?

Since the last time
karma punished me...

I was hit by a car
and ate steak out of a straw
for three weeks,

I didn't wanna find out.

So I spent
the rest of the night
going back and making up...

for all the bad things
Ralph had done.

My friend ran out of here
without paying for some
hair gel or somethin'.

My name is Earl.

Hey, ass-wipe, I don't know
what the hell was on your
touched-by-an-angel list...

that's making you
teach people English,
but you need to stop.

Excuse me?
You got a Chinese girl
in your class named Kim Lee?

She's not Chinese,
she's Vietnamese.

I don't care if she's
Vietnamese, Chinese
or Chuck E. Cheese.

She don't need to be
learnin' no English.
Why?

Because it's gonna
cut into my premium
nail decoratin' business.

[ Earl Narrating ]
My ex-wife Joy...

runs a premium
nail decoratin' business
out of her trailer.

Now, did you want me to paint
the zodiac signs on here?

I mean, there's 12,
but I could paint
the extra two on your big toes.

Business was good until Kim Lee
opened a similar operation
three trailers over.

Joy hated competition,
so she had to find a way
to give herself an edge.

Look, Earl, you can't
teach her how to talk.
I got kids to feed.

These are good people, Joy.
I mean, they have a right
to learn whatever they want.

No, they don't.
There is nothing in the Bible...

that says that people have
a right to learn stuff.

I have read it.
Look, I'm sorry, Joy.
It's on my list.

I made fun of people
who can't talk.
I gotta do it.

What list?
Well, hey, Ralph!

- How was prison?
- I'd say about a five.
What list?

It's nothin'.
This idiot hasn't told you
about his stupid list yet?

Shut up.
Yeah, he's a real
Goody Two-shoes now.

He's gone straight,
and the rest of us
have to pay for it.

[ Scoffs ]
Gone straight? Earl,
what is she talkin' about?

- Look, I was gonna tell you.
I just didn't--
- Wait, wait, wait.

Is that why my sister's
wedding dress is gone?

Did you take it back?
I'm sorry. I had to.
I don't steal anymore, Ralph.

I don't even know what to say.

Is his sister
gettin' married?

Is she? Cause if she didn't
ask me to be a bridesmaid,
I swear to God,

I will march right down there
to that Club Chubby, and I will
wrap her neck around that pole.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I explained everything
to Ralph over breakfast--

karma, the list,
turning my life around.

He seemed more interested
in his French fries...

until I got to the part
about the lottery money.

You won $100,000?
Yep, 'cause I started
doin' good things.

And I'm usin' the money
to cross things off my list.

I'm tellin' you,
this karma stuff works.
Karma, huh?

Yep.
Like that tattoo on your arm.

And I thought that was
two tadpoles doin' it.

That's what I used to think.
Turns out, that's karma.

Hmm. All right,
good buddy, I'm in.

What?
Look, I'm in.

The only reason I steal is
so I can have a better life.

And if you're sayin'
I can have that with
this here karma, then I'm in.

All right.
Yeah.

Hey, this is two cougars
doin' it, right?

Yeah, that's two cougars
doin' it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
If Ralph
was gonna go straight,

the first thing he needed
was a job.

Luckily, I was friendly
with the manager
of a local lamp store.

I mean, look at him.
It's like he was born
to work with lamps.

[ Earl Narrating ]
With Ralph squared away,
I went back to class.

Gettin' people to learn
is hard work.

No wonder teachers
make so much money.

One block, then right.

Two blocks, then left.
You see?

And that's how you get
to where Earl lives.

Who wants to tell me
how to get where Earl lives?

How about
Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop?

Erections lasting
more than four hours,

while rare, require
immediate medical attention.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Having 'em watch TV
as homework wasn't working out.

And then I think he cursed me
in his native language.

Seacrest out.

Thank you, Mr. A-Lop-Lop.
Uh--

Kim Lee.
Can you tell me
how to get to Earl's?

Where's Kim?

Okay. So when you're doin'
somebody's nails,
you say,

"I do good job."

I do good job.

Okay, now,
"I give you big infection."

I give you big infection.

That is so good.
Uh-huh.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Class was frustratin',
and I was looking forward...

to hanging out with people
who knew how to speak
our native tongue.

Hey, Earl,
look where I moved in at.

You got your own place.
Good for you.
Yeah, damn straight.

You got a job, and--
Yeah.

Wow. Uh, you got
a lot of lamps in here.

Yeah, I stole 'em
from work.
I figured that. Why?

Well, 'cause that's what
I do, Earl.
I steal things.

But I thought
you were gonna change?
I know.

I tried your way.
I did.
I was good all mornin'.

And then I went and bought
20 lottery tickets at lunch.

I scratched them all,
and I didn't win
a damn thing.

Man, this karma stuff
just don't work on me.

You gotta give it time, man.
I don't think so, man.

Hey, I'm a thief,
not a lamp salesman.

Ralph, uh, I hate to say it,
but I don't think I can
hang out with you anymore.

Oh, come on, man.
You serious?

I'm sorry, but I just--

I can't be around you
if you're gonna be
stealing things and being bad.

I'm definitely gonna be
stealin' things and bein' bad.

Yeah, I can see that.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry.

I don't know. I--
I guess this means good-bye.

Yeah, I guess so.

You wanna take
a lamp with you?

No, that's a nice offer,
Ralph, but I-I can't.

I can't do that.
Come on, Randy.

Uh, I'm gonna hang out.

- What?
- Ralph stole this
hand dolly from work.

He's gonna push me around on it
in the parking lot real fast.

Randy, we gotta go.

We got some, uh--
some things on the list to do.

Earl, you got some things
on the list to do.

I don't have a list.
I wanna have fun.

All right, yeah.

You guys have a good time.
You know, have a good time.

[ Laughing, Shouting ]

Why aren't you playing
with your friends?

'Cause that dolly's
stolen property.
I can't be a part of that.

Why is Randy out there?
'Cause Randy
doesn't have a list, okay?

Randy's a big boy
who's allowed to make
his own decisions in life.

And if that decision
is to choose a fast ride
in a parking lot...

on a stolen hand dolly
over his own brother,
then that's his "pergovadid."

I meant, "provoka"--
What's the word?

I learned English
a year ago.

Well, whatever it is,
it's his.

"Peranajid"?
Maybe.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The next couple days,

Randy spent almost
all his time
hanging out with Ralph.

And the truth is,
I really started to miss him.

But I didn't have time to mope.

I had a classroom full
of new Americans eager
to not understand a word I said.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Hello?
Earl, it's Ralph.
We got a big problem.

Randy and I were trying
to break into a house,
and he got stuck in the chimney.

We went in Santa style,
took a shot.
Damn it, Ralph!

I knew something like this
was gonna happen.

This is the karma
I was telling you about.
Where are you?

[ Toilet Flushing ]

Who were you talking to?
Ah, that was my mother.

A little bitty squirrel
got into her house,
and, uh,

she tried to chase it around
and hit it in the head
with a lamp.

Sorry 'bout that, man.

Oh, good.
You're awake.

- How'd we get in my room?
- Hey, where does Earl keep
that hundred grand he won?

You hit me in the head
with a lamp.

Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry about that, man.
I really am.

Money does bad things
to people.
There ain't no excuse for it.

People are just weak,
don't you think?

I guess, yeah.

So where does Earl
keep that money?

I'm not gonna help you
steal from my brother.

See, Randy, I was hopin'
you wouldn't say that.

Where's the money?
I'm not tellin'.

I'm sorry, man. I really am.
I'm a bad person.
I can't help myself.

I know.
It's not your fault.

Okay.
[ Flushing ]

[ Screaming ]

But I didn't call anyone
about my chimney.

Just a routine check, ma'am.
Randy?

Why are you calling
my chimney Randy?

Oh, I-I call
all chimneys Randy.

It's how the chimney sweeps
in London refer to them.
You know,

[ English Accent ]
"Clean your Randy for you,
ma'am?"

Yeah, this chimney
was made in England.
Randy?

[ Sighs ]
Randy?

I'm gettin' my gun.

Oh, let's not do that.

I don't want to.
I really don't.
You're a good friend of mine.

I don't wanna burn
your testicles.

Then let's just stop now
and forget this whole thing
ever happened.

Well, I'd like that,
as soon as you tell me
where Earl keeps his money.

All right, all right!
It's not in the room.
It's in a safe-deposit box.

You'll never find the key,
'cause Earl keeps it on him.
Please don't burn my cherries!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Clearly, Randy was not stuck
in a chimney, which was good...

because it meant
he learned his lesson
from the last two times.

But something weird
was going on.

Randy?
B-Bam!

Earl?
Ow.

That hurt.
What happened?

Ralph set us up.

He took your safe-deposit key
and your driver's license,

and he's on his way
down to the bank
to steal your lottery money.

They're not gonna give him
my money. He doesn't
look anything like me.

He did before he left.

Yeah.

Hey, man,
what do you think?

[ Mimicking Earl ]
I believe in karma.
Do good things,

and good things happen.

I'm sorry, Earl.
It's my fault.

I was bad, and
something bad happened to me.

Karma. It's like
you're always telling me.

It just doesn't
make sense, though.
Why is karma punishing me?

You were the one doin'
bad things with Ralph.
I've been good.

Yeah, you have been good.
Hey,

maybe if you call karma,
it'll come and save us.

Call it.
Randy, it doesn't
work like that.

It's karma, not Lassie.
Come on.
You can just try it.

I'm not gonna call--
Come on, Earl.

We're about to lose everything,
and it's all my fault.

Can't you just try it?
Fine.

Karma?

See? It doesn't work.
Try it louder.

Karma!

[ Knocking ]
Hello.

Son of a bitch.
Look, Earl.

It's karma's army,
made up of people from all
the lands of all the worlds.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Earl no come class.

- Well, how'd you find me?
- [ All ]
One block, then right.

Two blocks, then left.
That's how you get
to where Earl lives.

Well, look at that.
I did teach ya something.

Thanks, karma!

[ Earl Narrating ]
When I got untied,
I called the bank to stop Ralph.

And they called the police.

[ Earl Narrating ]
They might have caught him
if they had another cop,

but Officer Lee was busy
with a family emergency.

[ Shouting In
Foreign Language ]

"Big infection."

Look, I don't even know
if what she's talkin'
is a real language,

but if it is,
it's a lie.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Thanks to karma,
my money was safe...

and things were back to normal.

And thanks to my students,
I was able to cross...

"make fun of people
with accents" off my list.

- Time to get your grub on.
- It looks delicious.

Thank you very much,
Crab Man.

No problem,
Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And as for Ralph, well,

I could have told the police
where to find him,

but as crazy as it sounds,
he's still my friend.

Besides, nobody should get
their third strike
for assault with a lamp.

Hey, Earl, here's your, uh,
safe-deposit key back.

I wanna apologize
for everything.
I got a little crazy there.

But, uh, you know
how these things go.

- No problem.
- Hey, Randy, you wanna play
a little pool?

No, I'm good.

Me and Earl got some stuff
we gotta take care of
on his list.

Okay.

Thanks, man.
No problem, Earl.

Seacrest out.