My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 4 - Faked My Own Death - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing
but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good
happened to me,

somethin' bad
was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad
I've ever done,

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up
for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'
to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Number 203 on my list--



stole various snacks and drinks
from the local Quick Stop.

Of course, that was before
I turned my life around.

Luckily, Randy still had
a stealing jacket,

and we had no problem
sneaking the stuff back in.

All right. Well, I guess
I can cross this one off.

Hold on a second.
I gotta put these back in
the little hot dog Ferris wheel.

Oh, my God!

- What are you doin'?
- Natalie Duckworth
is over there.

- Who?
- Natalie Duckworth, number 84.

[ Earl Narrating ] About seven
years ago, the Crab Shack was
rented out for a biker party.

No one hassled me at the door,
so I came in and learned
a new phrase--

open bar.

Beer, please.
Make it two.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I decided then and there
that I did, in fact, wanna ride.



After what some might call
a few too many beers--
Yeah, mama!

we went back to her house
and had a really good time
in the dark.

Then it got light, fast.

Wake up, sleepyhead.

What?

That was some costume party
last night, wasn't it?

What?

My God.

Whoops. My temporary tattoo
rubbed off on you.

Wow. I've never brought a guy
right home before.
This is wild, huh?

So, what do you wanna do today?
Do you wanna go to the park?

Oh, my God. You know
what would be great?

- The farmer's market.
- The who's what?

[ Earl Narrating ]
We were not cut
from the same cloth.

But no matter how different
we were, there was one thing
we both liked.

[ Giggling ]

Besides, I didn't wanna
run out on her.

She had been hurt before.
This is Ted.

He left me for a stripper.

That's a lock of his hair,
and that's a lock
of the stripper's hair.

That's a lock
of my sister's hair,
which leads us to John.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though I took home a Harley
and ended up with a moped,

I decided to give it a shot.

I mean, why not?
She was cute
and had a satellite...

that sent kung fu movies
from space.

- Ooh.
- It's a beautiful day out.

- Let's go for a hike.
- I was gonna watch
this kung fu movie.

[ Karate Yells On TV ]

[ Karate Yell ]

[ Laughs ]
Come on.

"Pwease" go
for a hike with me.

Mmm.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I tried to seem interested
in the same things she was,

but it just
didn't come natural to me.

Look, an Anthemis tinctoria!

Wow, look at the size
of that dog turd next to it.

[ Exhales Forcefully ]

[ Earl Narrating ] She wanted
me to do arts and crafts.
It's called papier-mâché.

Somehow she figured out
a way to make newspapers
even more boring.

Oh, "wook," someone's fingers
are all sticky-wicky.

She even made me go on picnics.
So we just sit here?

Well, we're gonna eat
in a while.

What do we do until then?

- Just sit, talk.
- You know, we passed a Denny's.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Before I knew it, we had been
dating for a whole month.

When her parents
came out to visit...

and we all got our faces
lasered in crystal,

I knew things
were gettin' too serious.

I had to get out.

And I didn't wanna hurt
her feelings, so I figured
there was only one thing to do.

Earl's dead.
He was lost at sea.

This is all they found of him.
I thought you'd want it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I realize now
that faking your death...

to break up with someone
is not exactly thoughtful.

It's time to find a way
to cross her off the list.

You look like
that little monkey in E.T.

Shh.

You faked your death?
I didn't wanna
hurt her feelings.

This woman is very fragile.

Very needy, clingy and fragile.

Here. Put some more
baby's breath in there.

It fills in the gaps
with neutral coloring.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It's funny how the brain
sucks things up.

One summer, Randy worked at
a florist for almost 10 minutes.

I'm gonna put in
some more baby's breath.

It fills in the gaps
with neutral coloring.
[ Squeaking ]

Ma'am, are these vases always
gonna make that sound
when I'm drying them?

The squeaking
makes my toes hurt.

You can't just tell a girl
you faked your death
to get away from her.

- She'll be devastated.
- I have to tell her.
It's on my list.

I lied to her, and the only way
I can cross it off
is if I tell her the truth.

So, what is more important,
your list or someone's feelings?

- I don't know. My list?
- No.

Feelings.
I bet it's feelings.

Look, I-- I have to tell her.
She almost saw me today,

and I'm not gonna
hide in another refrigerator.

Earl, if you really need
to tell her, at least say it
was because of you.

- Say you weren't good enough
for her.
- That's another lie.

But it's a good lie,
to protect her.

Maybe you should listen
to Catalina.

She's a woman
just like Natalie.

They're both women,
her and Natalie.

You and I are men.
We're not women.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Sometimes Randy takes a long
road to a simple thought.

You see, men think
different than women.

You and I think different
than Natalie and Catalina,

cause we're men
and they're women.

I'm right, right?
I-I'm not wrong.

Am I wrong?
No.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy's long thought was right.

Catalina seemed to know a lot
more about women than I did,

so I decided
to take her advice.

[ Knocking ]

- [ Gasps ]
- Surprise.

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

Whoa!

That was just like in E.T.
when that little girl
first saw the monkey.

You see, it wasn't you.
It was-- It was me.

I pretended to be dead
because I was afraid
I wasn't good enough for ya.

I mourned you for months.
I kept your shirt.

I even made a papier-mâché bust
of you to wear it.

Ah, very nice.
Very detailed.

See, it was that kind of
perfection in your life
that made me feel inadequate.

It was that kind of
perfection in your life that
made him feel inadequate.

They turned you into
a mushroom. Are you
all right? Talk to me.

I just wished you
would've said something.

Why wouldn't you just tell me?

I mean, what does that
say about me?

No, n-nothing.
It doesn't say
anything about you.

It's not your fault.
You're-- You're perfect.

I'm the one.
It was me.

- [ Door Opens ]
- Sorry I'm late, sweetie.
I hit the gym.

Took the fast train to ab town.

- Are you being robbed?
- No.

This is my ex-boyfriend Earl.

- The one with the stripper?
- No, I'm-- I'm the dead one.

Are these candies free?

Thanks for telling me the truth.
It makes me feel better
knowing you're alive.

I just wanted to make sure
you were happy.

I'm glad you found Dirk.
He seems perfect for you.

Thanks.
We only met three weeks ago,
but we just clicked.

That's great.
Good for you.

Well, I should, uh--
Oh, wait a sec.

I want you to have this.
I'm glad you're not dead.

Good-bye, little fella.

[ High-pitched Voice ]
Good-bye, Natalie.
Thanks for making me.

[ Kisses ]
Oh.

All righty.
I'll see you later.
Bye.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was
feeling pretty good about
Natalie and how we left things.

And the me made of wet newspaper
added a nice decorative touch
to the room.

Randy, have you seen the pen?
I need to cross Natalie
off my list.

Nope. Catalina, how often
do you clean the bedspreads?

I don't know.
I've only worked here
for a year.

[ Knocking ]

Dirk is gone.
[ Sobbing ]
What?

Dirk is gone!

[ Earl Narrating ]
When we got Natalie calmed down,
she explained...

that something terrible
had happened to Dirk.

The police found his car
in the woods with blood in it,

and they think
he might have been killed.

[ Squeaking Sobs ]

Earl, is she gonna keep
squeaking like that?
It's making my toes hurt.

Uh, just uh-- sit here and--
and-- and try to calm down.

I'll get you something to drink.
Okay. Thanks.

[ Dirk ]
Oh, yeah, feel that.

How do you like that
rock-hard candy, huh?

- Dirk?
- Hey, Earl.

Don't tell me your hooker
works here too.

- You're supposed to be dead.
- Well, yeah, I know.

Thanks for the idea.
Boy, just in time.

I was about to build a noose
out of papier-mâché
and hang myself at a picnic.

[ Natalie ]
Earl.

Hey.
I'm just gonna go home.

It's probably best if I wait
there in case the police come.
[ Dirk, Muted ]

[ Bangs On Door ]
Yeah, that's, uh,
probably a good idea.

Yeah.
Okay, right there.
You found it.

Okay, a little less pressure.

Whew!
I can't believe Dirk
faked his death too.

He got the idea from me.
That's why karma wouldn't let me
find a pen and cross her off.

- I'm not done.
- Are you gonna tell her
that he's alive?

She thinks he's dead,
but he's not.
He's not dead.

He's living. He's alive.
He's not dead
like she thinks he is.

I think I should tell her,
right?

You can't tell a girl two
men faked their deaths
to get away from her.

It will crush her spirit.
What am I supposed
to do then?

She's very upset.
She's been through a lot,
she thinks.

So be her friend
and comfort her.

Maybe if a man is nice
to her for a change,
it will build up her confidence.

- Trust me. I'm a woman.
- She's right, Earl.

She is a woman, and we're men.
You remember how we
talked about that.

Yeah, I got it, Randy.
Thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The first few days of hanging
out with Natalie,

all she did was wait
for the phone to ring.

Since I knew it wasn't gonna,
I thought I should get her
out of the house.

Who's up for a hike?

- Come on. You love hikes.
- Mmm.

"Pwease" go on
a hike with me.

"Otay."

See? Hiking.

Huh? This is fun.
I like going uphill.

I wish we could go uphill
on the way back.

[ Earl Narrating ] All I had
to do was seem interested
in the things she liked doing,

and she started to cheer up.

Hiking turned into
arts and crafts.

I started to, uh, make you
a magical fairy,

but I ended up with,
uh, a magical clump.

Thanks.
It's a very nice clump.

I'll name him Alexander.
Alexander the Clump.

Or Pepe.
How about Pepe the Clump?

- I don't get it. Why Pepe?
- Oh, Pepe's a name.

I think it's Mexican.

Jose, Rodrigo, Pepe.
Yeah, it's Mexican.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Papier-mâchéin'
turned into picnickin'.

For smelling like feet,
this cheese is pretty damn good.

I love you.
What?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then our picnic somehow
turned into a relationship.

I don't ever want you
to think you're not good enough
for me again.

You're perfect for me.
My little butterfly flew away,
but he came back.

He came back.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And like a butterfly,
I too was trapped.

But instead of a net,
I was caught by a crazy girl
wiping her nose on me.

She told me she loves me.
What?

I was nice to her
like you told me to,
and she told me she loved me.

She even rubbed her nose
against mine, real soft.

What'd that feel like?

It tickled for a second,
but then it itched.

You must have been
too nice to her.

Too nice?
You didn't tell me how nice
to be to her.

You just told me to be nice.
She thinks we're back together.

Hey, Earl,
is there a condom machine
around here?

- No, Dirk.
- Hey, what are these?

- Shower caps.
- That could work.

Hey, Earl, you want me to tell
Natalie you're dead again?

You can't do that.
What am I supposed
to do then, huh?

I don't wanna hurt
her feelings, but how am I
supposed to get rid of her?

She's been kicked around
by men her whole life.

You have to give her
the power.
Let her break up with you.

She won't do that.
Thanks to you,
I'm her nature-hiking,

papier-mâchéing,
soft-nose-rubbing butterfly
in shining armor.

So change.
Be a bad boyfriend.

Bad boyfriend?
It's not that easy.

Being mean
goes against everything
I stand for these days.

Hey, Catalina,
the mouse catcher's full again.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew being a bad guy
was gonna be hard,

but since Catalina said
it was for Natalie's own good,
I gave it my all.

- Hey, look at
the pretty yellow flowers.
- Aw.

Happy Fourth of July!

Check it out.
I made your bust.

I upped you a cup.
You're welcome.

Aahh!

Excuse me.
[ Grunting ]

[ Belching ]

[ Zipper Unzipping ]
Honey, you think
it might be better...

to relieve yourself
a little farther away
from the blanket?

Nah.

[ Earl Narrating ]
This poor girl was so insecure,

there wasn't anything
she wouldn't put up with.

Did you throw away my junk?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Nothing worked,
and I was running out of ideas,

so Catalina agreed to help me
put an end to the whole thing
once and for all.

[ Earl ]
Come in.
Oh, yeah, mama!

- [ Grunting, Laughing ]
- Earl, what's going on?

Oh, just blowing off
a little steam,
having a good time.

Can't a guy
have a party around here
without getting hassled?

Pssh!
Get off my back.

[ Catalina Giggling ]
You're right, Earl.
Sorry for interrupting.

Just have fun and call me
when you're done.

"Call me when you're done"?
I'm in bed with another woman.

Don't you wanna slap me?
Do you want me to?

Oh!

Natalie, this is not working.

Remember when I said
it wasn't you, it was me?

Well, it's not me, it's you.
It's all you.

Earl--
No, no, no, no.
I'm done listening to you.

You're just as crazy
as she is.

The truth is, you're clingy,
you're a doormat,
you have no self-respect.

That's why guys wanna leave you.
They have to get away from you.

That's why I'm trying to
get you to break up with me now.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe it is you,
because Dirk didn't think
I was a doormat.

He didn't wanna leave me.
He loved me for who I am.

[ Gasps ]

Hey, Earl.

Are there no other motels
in this town?

Well, that went well.

I know I was hard on her,
but she needed
to hear the truth.

And when she's over
being upset,

it's gonna make her
a better person
for the rest of her life.

[ Earl Narrating ]
As it turned out, the rest
of her life wasn't that long.

Sadly, Natalie's parents
told me she was
so distraught over yet...

another relationship ending
that she took her own life.

[ Woman Sobbing ]

[ All Gasping ]

Yes, yes, yes!
Who's the joke on now,
Earl Hickey?

- Who's the joke on now?
- Me?

That's right. Y-O-U.
How does it feel, huh?

- How does it feel
to think someone's dead?
- Crappy?

Crappy's right.
That's exactly how
you made me feel, Earl, twice.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It turned out that Catalina
and I were both kinda right.

By being honest with Natalie,
I made her mad.
[ Grunts ]

That anger gave her the idea
to fake her death,
and by doing that,

she finally got to leave
a relationship with the power
that Catalina said she needed.

Natalie had finally stood up
for herself,
and I admired her for that.

Although her parents
had a different opinion.

You could have at least told us
you were faking!

- It had to seem real, Mom.
Lighten up.
- [ Murmuring ]

Oh, she's alive!
[ Yelling ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Clearly, Natalie had finally
found her backbone.

And as I had hoped,
it carried on past her funeral
and into the rest of her life.

Hey, Dirk, I'm still
getting your mail.

It's from the clinic.
Somebody got themselves
an S.T.D.

- I can deal with that.
- Turn the page.

Aw, crap!
Damn shower caps.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Her newfound confidence
even let her finally showcase...

her wet newspaper art
in a public setting.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And because I'd earned it,
karma finally let me find a pen.

It was nice to see Natalie
so happy, wasn't it?

Yeah. I'm glad
she's not dead anymore.

Being dead is definitely worse
than being alive.

When you're dead,
you can't do
all the cool stuff...

you can do
when you're alive.

You and I, we can do
all kinds of cool stuff,
cause we're living.

We're not dead.
We're alive.

If we were dead,
we wouldn't be able
to do all the cool stuff...

we can do
because we're alive.

Dead people
can't do cool stuff.

Only people that are alive
can do cool stuff,
because they're living,

and you have to be living
to be able to do cool stuff.

You have to be alive.

Yeah, except when you're alive,
sometimes bad stuff happens too.

Like, sometimes you can
get in a car wreck
or you can have a headache...

or twist your ankle
or even stub your big toe.

So being alive's
kinda hard too,

but I think it's definitely
better than being "a-dead."