My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 1, Episode 8 - Joy's Wedding - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things...

and then wonders why
his life sucks?

Well, that was me. Every time
somethin' good happened to me...

somethin' bad was always waitin'
around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized
I had to change.

So I made a list
of everything bad I've ever done...

and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'to be
a better person.

My name is Earl.

What's with all the balloons?



Well, I was hoping they might
help me get out of trouble.

You see, recently I had to add
something bad I did to my list.

It was a big one,
number 261.

It all started with the mail.

Thanks, Willie.

You got something, Randy.

- Why does the flute talk?

Is he magic? Is he
the ghost of a dead flute?

"You are cordially invited
to Joy and Darnell's wedding. "

Joy's gettin' married?

Well, I wonder if Willie dropped
my invitation in the parking lot.

I don't think so. This says
"Randy Hickey plus anyone but Earl. "

For the reception,
how should I have my chicken?

Grilled or McNuggetted?



Oh, man, I wish I was invited.
I love chicken.

Probably gonna be cake too.

I love weddings.
The food, the cake, the dancing.

- Whoo.
- You wanna be my plus anyone but Earl?

Okay. When is it?

- Next Wednesday.
- Next Wednesday?

Man, that woman
never stops, does she?

If I check McNuggetted...

you think they'll let me have
two different dipping sauces?

I like hot mustard
for the first bite...

but I like to chase it with a little honey
on the second bite.

It's like having a small meal, followed
by a tiny dessert every 10 to 15 seconds.

So your hair's colored?

- Yeah. A little.
- Fried? Damaged?

- We need to talk.

Shh. I'm tryin' to make a mix tape for
the wedding. I'm waitin' for my request.

You had to get married
next Wednesday, on my birthday?

Is next Wednesday your birthday?
Hmm. I did not know that.

Then why did you invite
all my friends?

You know I have a party
at the Crab Shack on my birthday.

It's the one time a year
I get drunk enough to break-dance.

Go Earl. Go Earl.
It's your birthday.

It's your birthday.
Go Earl. Go Earl. Go Earl.

You're gonna have to do the worm all by your
lonesome, 'cause D.J. Dave's doin' my wedding.

I gave him a 20-dollar gift certificate
for Patty, the daytime hooker.

Hey, Earl.
Comin'to the wedding?

He can't.
It's his birthday.

- But that's okay. He could still-
- Darnell...

I did not drag that water bed all the way from
the flea market so it could sit there empty.

- Happy birthday, Earl.
- Thanks, Crab Man.

Here's one going out
to Joy and Darnell...

dancing for the first time
as Mr. and Mrs. Turner.

Damn it, Earl!
You made me miss my intro.

Randy said he'd
stay with me on my birthday...

but I knew how much he wanted
to dance with Catalina.

So I insisted
that he go to the wedding.

Since it's tacky to go to a wedding
without a gift, I took Randy shopping.

Among other places, Joy was registered
at the local liquor store.

How about tequila?

Let's see. Tequila.

Need 10. Got 10. Nope.

Oh, man,
all the good stuff's taken.

- Light beer?
- Light beer.

Need 336.
Got 324. Grab it.

Joy and Darnell weren't very religious...

and they couldn't afford
to rent out a hall...

so they got married
at the park.

Joy wanted to make sure
they got a nice, shady spot...

so she sent Darnell over there
first thing in the morning.

Sorry. This area's saved.

You see that?
We should've gotten a clown.

- Yeah, it was a beautiful day.

If it wasn't for
the occasional interruption...

from a nearby soccer game,
it would've been perfect.

- As everyone arrived...

Joy and her bridesmaids
were making themselves pretty.

Whoo! This thing's making me
sweat like a whore in church.

- No offense, Patty.
- None taken.

- I don't go to church.
- Anybody got deodorant?

Oh, I got Altoids and condoms.

- These are scented.
- I don't want your baby's butt wipes!

I'll take one of those, Carla.

Joy! Oh, my God! Look at you!

Oh, look at you!
Oh, you are so beautiful!

My God, my brother loves you so much,
and I love you so much.

Okay. Okay.
Time out, Daneesha.

Time out, Daneesha. You're-
You're gettin' boob glitter all over my face.

D-Do you- Do you feel
like singing "Happy Birthday"?

Huh? Come on.

Coming up next. What secret involving day
laborers is Rob Schneider trying to hide?

And home movies
of Thanksgiving dinner...

with Bruce, Demi,
Ashton and the kids.

Can you say "pass the creepy"?

Did you hear that, Willie?
Thanksgiving together.

That-That-That's sweet.

Why can't I have a relationship
like that with my ex-wife, huh?

Poor Joy is probably
all upset today...

'cause she thinks I'm mad
she didn't invite me.

I'm not angry at her.
No, no, sir.

I wanna be friends.

I wanna be
the Bruce to her Demi.

Yeah.

Lookin' back on it now...

I know it was a mistake
makin'my way down to the park.

- Hey, D.J. Dave. Hey, folks.

Most of you guys know me,
but- but I'm Earl.

Earl Hickey, Joy's ex-husband.

- Hey, keep it on the field!

There's a wedding
goin'on over here!

Hey, Crab Man, cool tux.

- Thanks, Earl.
- Who's that pretty lady with you?

- That's my moms.
- Hey, Crab Man's moms.

- Hey, Earl.
- Earl, give D.J. Dave the microphone, please!

See, she's mad.
That's why I'm here.

I don't want us to be like this.

Joy, I don't care that you
planned this on my birthday.

It's my birthday today.
In fact, maybe just real quick-

- Earl!
- Oh, that's cool. Today is for you.

I-What part of wedding
don't you understand?

There's a woman gettin' married,
and you're gonna ruin it!

And there it was...

number 261-
ruined Joy's wedding.

Driving over to Joy's...

all I could think about
was how I ruined her wedding.

- I knew she was gonna be upset...

but I guess I expected
more yellin' and spittin'.

Truth is, I've never
seen her like this before.

- I'm so sorry, Joy.
- Whatever.

Don't beat yourself up, Earl.
It could've happened to anyone.

Soccer balls are hard to punt.

Look, I've thought about it...

and the only way I can make up for this
is to give you a new wedding.

I don't want a new wedding. We'll just go
down to the courthouse and get married.

You can't. Look, it's on my list.
I have to do this.

Now, come on.
I'll do anything you want.

It'll be better than the last one.

Just leave me alone.

- That's not a bad Berserker score.

Yeah, it's definitely
gonna make the wall of fame.

I decided
I was gonna plan Joy a new wedding...

whether she wanted it or not.

Hey, Earl, wanna go write
"Wash me" on dirty cars?

- I already did ours.
- I'd love to, Randy...

but I'm busy reading about nontraditional
options for bridesmaids' "bou-ketts."

Why? She said she didn't
want another wedding.

It's on my list now. Besides, once she sees how
much work I'm doing, she may want me to come.

We could stop all this fighting
and finally get along.

This whole soccer ball thing
could be a blessing in disguise.

Like when that guy got kicked out of
Van Halen for wearing them stupid pants...

but then got even more famous?

What was his name?

Just make sure
you got good music.

Yeah. Yeah, music's important.

Music was important.

So I made sure I stopped by the record
store before payin' Joy another visit.

I bought you some CDs for D.J. Dave so you
don't have to make a mix tape this time.

And I found some really good
ideas in a bride magazine...

for inexpensive ways
to make colorful centerpieces.

for inexpensive ways
to make colorful centerpieces.

Three hours ago, that was a two-liter bottle
of soda and 25 cents' worth of paper.

It's beautiful.

I can make as many as you want. Last night,
Randy emptied out about 20 of'em.

You got Monsters of Rap?

Yeah, at the nice price.
I got Monsters of Rock too...

with the extended version
of" Cherry Pie" like you like.

- Ha!
- And there it was.

For the first time in a long time,
Joy smiled at me.

She was happy.
And over the next week...

as we planned her perfect wedding,
things just kept getting better.

We picked out place settings.

These plates are pretty. Oh, but look.
These have matching napkins.

Oh. "Party your ass off."

Oh, and look. The little horse has a top hat on.
That's cute. Let's get these.

I even found a wedding dress sale...

where irregular dresses
were all under $50.

This one's guaranteed
to have only been worn eight times.

Yeah, but I like this one, because it's
lined so I don't have to wear panties.

- It's perfect.
- But it's got a stain on it.

That's where I'm gonna
bedazzle my initials.

We were working
as a team. It was like the good ol' days.

Then- I'm not quite sure
how it happened-

things got a little too much
like the good ol' days.

As soon as I woke up, I realized...

that sleeping with Joy three days
before her wedding was a huge mistake.

Uh, honey? I think we should talk
about what happened last night.

It was so crazy,
I'm not sure I even remember.

Then I wish we could trade.
I remember everything.

When I went over
to talk to Joy about the night before...

she no longer had love in her eyes.

You got a lot of damn nerve
seducing me like that.

- Seducing you?
- Yes. You knew exactly what you were doing-

bein' all nice to me,
plannin' my wedding...

helping me pick out my perfect
irregular wedding dress.

How dare you!
You know I'm a passionate woman.

I was just bein' nice so we could
get along better, like Bruce and Demi.

I didn't know we'd get along
three times in one night.

Yeah, well, we can't undo the humpin',
so let's just forget it ever happened.

Fine. I'll just tell Darnell,
and we'll be done with it.

What? You can't tell Darnell!

I have to. It's already on my list.
Number 262-

slept with Crab Man's fiancee.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look, you wanna
have a good relationship with me, don't you?

- That's why you're doin' all this, right?
- Well, yeah.

Then you need to keep
your big snitchy trap shut.

Because if you tell him,
I will never forgive you.

Besides, you think Bruce and Demi don't
sleep together and don't tell Ashton?

Please.

I did want to be friendly with Joy.

And since I'm not sure what good
tellin' Darnell would do...

I agreed to keep quiet.

In return, Joy invited me
to the rehearsal meal.

Since three people in the wedding party
had court-mandated curfews...

the traditional rehearsal dinner
was switched to a rehearsal lunch.

Okay, now, I got everybody smalls...

but remember there's free refills.

So a small is really a large
with a little extra walking.

And Casa De Pizza and Games...

turned out to be
the perfect choice...

'cause the kids had something
to keep 'em busy.

Sweetheart? Sweetheart,
that's not makin' any sound.

Everybody, Darnell has
somethin' he wants to say.

Uh, I just wanted to say
that, uh, I'm a very lucky man.

And I wanted to thank Earl
for helping us plan our second wedding.

You're a good friend, Earl.

- To Earl!
- To Earl!

That's when it hit me.
I can't lie to Darnell.

He's my friend.
We've had some good times.

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.

I couldn't keep a secret from Darnell.

Besides, he was on my list,
and I had to tell him.

Crab Man?

I did somethin' very bad
with someone you love.

- Come here for a second, okay?
- Mommy?

- Not now, baby.
- I need to potty.

Oh, for God's sakes, you picked today
to stop goin' in your pants?

Come on.

- I have to tell him.
- Oh, like H-E-L-Lyou do!

I can't live like this, Joy. He needs
to know we... H-A-D sex together.

Oh, that is B-U-L-L honky!

Marriages built on lies
don't last. Look at us.

It's not the lies
that screw people up.

It's the finding out.
You keep your mouth shut, Earl.

He needs to know.

Fine. But let me tell him.
At least give me that.

- I think that's a good idea.
- Tsk.

I'm done. Help.

Old Daddy, are you there?

Yeah, Old Daddy's here.

I have something to tell you,
and it's not gonna be easy to hear...

um, but I need you to promise me
that you're not gonna make a scene.

Being the sneaky little woman Joy is...

she thought she would take
one last shot at not tellin' the truth.

Earl slept with your mother.

Unfortunately, he
couldn't help himself from making a scene.

Come on, Crab Man. You know how she is.
You can't be that surprised.

It's not like this
is the first time it's ever happened.

We used to do it all the time.

Come on, Crab Man. I didn't
get mad when you slept with her.

You take that back! I've never
had sexual relations with my moms.

Your moms? I didn't sleep
with your moms. I slept with Joy.

You son of a bitch!
I had this covered!

Darnell.

Crab Man?

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Look, Crab Man,
this was totally an accident.

If I could go back
and change what happened-

I'm not mad, Earl.
Like you said...

I did the same thing to you
when you were married to her.

Yeah, but that's not your fault.

It's not our fault at all.

It's her.
She's a vixen.

Isn't that one
of Santa's reindeer?

Yeah, but I think
it's also, like, a-

uh, like a woman who's,
you know, not a whore...

but kind of like a sexy, uh-

I'm not sure what it is.

Look, I know
who Joy used to be.

I just thought she changed.
I thought she loved me.

She does.
She does love you.

When I told her I was gonna
tell you what happened...

I saw a look of panic on her
face I've never seen before.

She was scared of losing you.

She was scared? Joy?

Terrified. And I've never seen
that woman scared of losing anything.

That was the truth.

I knew Joy loved Crab Man more
than she's ever loved anyone.

And Crab Man
loved her right back.

I did it. I gave her back her wedding.

And even though she hated me
for telling Darnell the truth...

I knew it was the right thing to do.

Earl, come get in one of these.

Oh, great. It's bad enough
you had to invite him.

As for me and Joy
having that Bruce and Demi relationship-

I hope you get nut cancer,
you son of a bitch.

Nice. You kiss your "igellitimate"
children with that mouth?

Smile.

Well, at least we'll look
happy in the pictures.

They say you never
forget the first dance at your wedding.

I know Randy will never forget his.