My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Inappropriate Adult - full transcript

- He's got a job as a lollipop man!
- 'Course he has.

- I'm gay.
- Of course I know, you're my best mate.

I like being around you.

So, is there anything going
on between you and Liam, then?

No.

I've sort of got a date this Friday.

Well, we've got a full team.

'Tuesday, 19th of November, 1996.

Sorry I've not written for a while

but not much is going on, except life.

Archie's been struggling
since he came out.'



'Most of his old boy mates don't
want anything to do with him.'

'But he's got us.

And we've got him.'

'Izzy and Chop are going strong... '

'Chop's having to get used to Izzy
hanging around boys at college,

but he's not worried.'

'It's cool having a couple who
are madly in love around you.

It shows you that it does exist.

Chloe is a social phenomenon.

I've never met someone so confident.

She's started hanging out
with a gang of 23-year-olds.

She was pretty angry with
me about the fight with Amy,

but she's forgiven me, because
that's what best mates do.'

'As for Finn, he's started
going out with Olivia, who's 24.



I'd never met her face
to face and to be honest,

I wanted to keep it that way.

But, whatever. I'm so not bothered.

And as for me...

Liam broke up with Amy

and I forgave him for
leaving me in the lurch.'

'We never spoke about that kiss.

It's great to be young and free and
with no-one telling us what to do.'

Does the Pope shit in his own
hat and punch it? Punch what?

- The hatful of shit.
- What are you talking about?

Oh, just give me the spliff.

Rae! Rae! Get in the car.

- Someone'll spot you!
- Chill out, Archie boy!

Who's going to spot me here?

Oh, boy.

Karim told me everything.

You've been smoking pot.

And don't even try and deny it

because your eyes are bloodshot to buggery.

So, what? You drink, there's no difference.

Yeah, well, there is a difference.
Pot is illegal and I'm not a child.

- I'm not a child.
- You're 16, Rae!

You're not even allowed
to buy alcohol, or drive,

or purchase fireworks, or become an MP.

I want you back by ten
from now on. Every night.

You can't put a curfew on me.

It looks like I just did.

Or do not want me to buy you food
and give you lifts everywhere?

You know, all the stuff you can't
do because you're not an adult.

- But...
- Conversation over.

And don't expect a lift
to Chloe's party tomorrow.

'I don't want a sodding lift! God, I
am sick of being treated like a kid!

I need to get out of this house.

I didn't need my mum to get by.

I'm 16, for God's sake.

All I needed was the help of
an old friend, Mr BMX Special.'

'Sometimes, it's the small
things in life that feel good...

the sun on your face,
the wind in your hair...

Feels like freedom.'

Argh! Bollocks!

- Hello.
- Hiya!

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

What is it?

Oh, Babe! Oh!

Oh, it's like we're best
mates or something!

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
Thank you. It's lovely. Chloe?

Thought maybe you'd like your present.

There you go. Be careful. Are you ready?

Go on, get on with it!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Thank you! Thank you!

'How was it that Chloe had a dad

who treated her like she
wasn't still in nappies?

And all I had was... '

Whose is this bike?

Simmie said something to
Archie. Something mean.

Chop, you play football with
them, can't you say something?

Yeah.

Maybe he was just joking, like,
you know, just messing around?

Forget about it. It's fine.

'Oh, God. No!'

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- There we go. All right? All right?
- Hiya.

Do you want a drink, girl?

'Girl? I thought I was a girl.'

I'll have a Baileys and ice, please.

'Look at her.

Just because she's 24,

she thinks she's more
sophisticated than the rest of us,

just because she drinks Bailey's.'

- Rae, do you want another snakebite and black?
- Yeah.

No!

No, I'll have a sherry, please.

A sherry? OK.

So, you're Rae? Finn has
told me so much about you.

- Back in a sec.
- OK, little bug.

'Little bug? What the fuck?!

'I literally cannot watch this.'

Oh, bollocks, I've just remembered
I've got a thing with a pigeon.

I mean... race.

I've got to go.

MUSIC: "Queer" by Garbage

'Little bug? What does that even mean?

So what if she was 24, beautiful,

had her own flat, swanky job, her own car.

I may as well be nine years old,

sitting in a boy's bedroom
playing computer games.

I bet Olivia doesn't play computer games.

She's far too busy being
grown-up and seducing her man.'

Whoa, there! What are you doing?

- Did you not like it?
- No, I liked it, but it's just...

- I don't want a girlfriend.
- Maybe I don't want a boyfriend.

What?

Are you hinting that we should
have a casual relationship, Rae?

Maybe.

Do you not like me, or something?

No, I like you,

but you're not the type of person
to have a casual relationship.

- You're not ready for that. You're too...
- Too what?

... young.

Thanks!

Young in terms of experience.

Great. Fine. Thanks.

'Sometimes I felt like the
world was conspiring against me.'

Rae?

- What are you doing?
- Nice wheels.

That's when I realised that
my mum and Liam were right.

I was a bloody kid... and it had to stop.

Anything pink had to go.

Anything with glitter on it had to go.

Anything that resembled a Troll
or a fairy or a cartoon animal

or had a heart on it, it had to go.

I've been clearing out a load of old
junk to make way for my new stuff.

Any complaints can be made in writing

and will be processed through the
usual channels, AKA the dustbin.

'So maybe it was going
to take more than a sherry

and a bin bag full of
glitter pens and Trolls.

I needed to find another way
to show the world I was an adult,

to show my mum I wasn't a kid any more.'

Is that Dad?

Yeah, that's your dad.

Does he live local?

He lives in Lincolnshire, yeah.

I want his address.

No.

- I want to write to him.
- No, he...

Mum...

... I'm 16.

I'll think about it.

'The funny thing was, I didn't
even know if I would write to him.

But maybe he'd treat me like an adult.'

I've, um... I've got a scan on Monday.

Karim's starting his evening
shift so he can't come.

I just want someone to be there.

I don't feel very well.

I'm just a little bit worried.

Will you come with me?

Yeah.

'Course I will.

I'm sorry, Rae, but you have
to do an assessed performance

or you won't pass this year.

You either involve yourself
in the choir project,

or you can become a prostitute,

in the boys' stage adaptation of Scarface.

It's up to you.

So I think a cappella.

We've still not decided
what song we're going to do.

We could easily add
another part in for you. No.

No, I'll just, erm, print
stuff off, make drinks...

Chloe, listen to this.

One, two, three...

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ E-e-e-e-e. ♪

It's great.

I mean, it needs a little bit of
work, but it is great, isn't it?

Yeah!

Oh, by the way, I'm going to West
Paddock Fair tonight with the boys,

- if you fancy it.
- "Boys"?

Well...

Men.

No.

No, I can't. I said I'd
go with the gang, so...

So, I saw you with your bite
the other night and, well...

Well, what?

Chloe!

All right, this is Ian.

That's Ben, that's Joe, and this...

This is Saul.

You look nice.

What?

You look nice.

- Thanks.
- So Chloe says that you're a big muso.

What, you like Led Zep?

Does the Pope shit in a hat and punch it?

He sure does.

You're a pretty cool customer, aren't you?

Oh, well, it has been said before.

Yeah, I like that.

It doesn't hurt that
you're... very attractive.

Hey, Rae, you coming?

He's going to eat a kebab and
then go on a gravity wheel.

Nothing's going to happen,
my guts are made of titanium.

You can hang out with us, Rae, if you want.

I'll catch you guys in a bit, yeah?

I'm just going to keep an eye on Chloe.

No. I'm not getting in that.

Why not? He's fine...
you're fine, Ian, aren't you?

I can walk you if you want, Rae.

That's cool, cos that sorts out
the seating arrangements. Let's go.

Chlo, what you doing?

Don't sweat it.

Shall we?

OK.

'The more pissed I got,

the more I didn't care

that Saul wasn't exactly
the fittest lad in the world.

He wanted to hear what
I thought about stuff,

important stuff.'

- D'you smoke?
- Obviously.

All right, what do you say
we just jump off here then?

Just go to a bar or something?

OK. But just one.

- Yeah, just a nightcap.
- One.

One.

There's something about
staying up until the sun rises

and the birds start cheeping

that is beyond cool.

It's freedom.

Especially when you get back

half an hour before your mum gets up,

so she'll never find out.

- Ooh.
- Where the bloody hell have you been?!

Been out with friends.

Friends?

It's six o'clock in the morning.

I've rung everyone.

Chloe, Archie, Izzy, I've
even rung the hospital.

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

No, no, no, it's not fuckin' all right!

Why didn't you call me?

Why do you never think about
anybody apart from yourself?

Chill out.

There is no need to curse at me.

I've said I'm sorry. I'm 16.

I can do what I want.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

You're 16, you can do what you
want now, make your own decisions,

like staying out till six
o'clock on a Thursday night.

Whatever.

Don't "whatever" me. Don't
you ever "whatever" me.

I'm pregnant, in case you hadn't noticed.

I feel horrible!

I haven't slept all night.

If you want to behave like
that, feel free to move out.

No, I mean it.

You never know, maybe your
dad'll let you live with him.

In fact, you know what...

Here.

You want to write to him, write to him.

Do me a favour, move in with him.

I've done my shift.

What did you just say to me?

You heard me crystal-clear, love.

I don't want my baby growing
up around someone like you.

Fuck you.

I knew I'd messed up,

but there was no way my mum
should've spoken to me like that.

I bet my dad would
never treat me like this.

And it looks like I was
about to be replaced anyway.

"Dear Dad... "

Problem was that I knew nothing about him.

I couldn't even imagine him reading it.

"Dear Victor...

just wanted to get in touch and say hi...

and here's my address.

Hope to hear from you.

All the best, Rae."

Usually when I get a hangover like this

I get the demons whispering into my ears,

but today it was the opposite,

things were more clear
now than they'd ever been.

I was waiting for people
to treat me like an adult,

so it was time to make adult decisions.

'This was such a bad idea.'

Can I help you?

I, erm...

Hello.

Hiya.

Rachel.

I like your lamp.

Oh, thanks.

I work in antiques.

It's, erm, '20s Art Deco.

- Do you want to borrow anything?
- Oh, I don't have a record player.

What?

You've got to have a record player!

I mean, the sound quality is just pfff!

I'll ask for one for my
birthday but I doubt I'll get it.

When... when is your birthday?

Three weeks.

Look, this is so, erm...

- I don't know, I should have rung.
- Are you angry with me?

Just wanted to come and see you,

meet you.

If you need anything, just say it.

Well, you could give me a
lift home after this brew.

Got a good group of friends?

Yeah.

The best!

So, what do you get up to?

- Go to the pub, drive around.
- What, you drive?

No, I'm 16.

But your birthday's coming up soon,
you want to get in lots of practice.

Make sure you pass your test first time.

Nar, my mum would never take me out.

Oh...

- Right!
- What?

- What?
- You'll see.

Trust me, you'll love it.

- Oh, my God! It's going to explode!
- Press a little lighter, slowly.

Go on.

There you go, you're off!

Go on, Mrs Mansell.

I'm driving, I'm actually driving!

Can we go really fast?

So, what next?

I am angry at you...

... really angry.

Me and your mum...

if you can think of the worst matched
couple in the world, that was us.

- Look, you don't have to...
- No, I do.

I wanted to get in touch with
you, I thought about you...

... but I felt... I was ashamed of myself.

Now, look, I'm not the
person you think I am.

And I can prove it.

No.

If you want to stay in
touch, then you ring me.

Call before five, my mum's at work.

I will.

Yeah, well, we'll see won't we?

See you.

I knew that he probably wouldn't
ring but I could handle it!

I could handle all the men in my life!

You look lively!

- I had a late night, I was out with someone.
- With who?

Just someone.

He's 23, you won't know him.

Does he have a name?

No, he wasn't christened when he was
born, it's a terrible shame for him.

Look, I've been thinking about
our conversation the other day.

- If you're cool with casual, then I am.
- Right.

So, how about it?

Why don't you come over tomorrow?

We can hang out, as it were.

I'm busy tomorrow,

I've got a party in Uffington.

With, erm, the nameless man?

He'll probably be there, yeah.

Cool, well... have a good time.

Thanks.

I wasn't lying to Liam, Saul had invited me

and Chloe to some random guy's party.

That was my life now.

I didn't know where I'd
be from one day to the next

and I also had two men interested
in whistling through my wheat field.

I was, obviously, doing something right.

Me and Olivia split up.

Yes! In your face, Miss Baileys and ice!

Sorry, mate.

I guess, we just weren't
right for each other.

- She had a mortgage.
- I don't even have an overdraft, for fuck's sake!

Is there anything I can do?

It's not just...

What?

I'm not just down about
breaking up with Olivia,

I'm miserable in general.

I don't enjoy college, I never have.

I'm only there because everybody else is.

So, what are you going to do?

My uncle's got this
scaffolding company in Leeds.

He said I could go up
there and work with him.

It's not exactly the dream but...

Well, we've got to leave
college at some point.

Got to grow up, eventually, haven't we?

So, you'd have to move?

That's what I'm saying.

I'm thinking about moving away.

Cos I've got no other reason to stay.

Have I?

Oh, shit!

I've got to go, I've got to
be in Uffington for seven.

Right.

We'll chat more about this
later, yeah? To be continued...

To be continued.

This is how adults did it.

No parents,

no curfews,

no rules.

Rae, I knew you'd make it!

Told you she'd be here.

Saul was getting all worried.

There she is, look, dirty
stop out! You all right, Rae?

Yeah, I'm pretty all right.

Come on then, people, let's fucking have!

Woo-ooh!

Jesus!

You scared me.

You've got a sexy ass!

Has anyone ever told you that?

Yeah...

I get it all the time.

12, 13 times a day...

I'm sick of hearing it, to be honest!

Hey!

- Right...
- I knew it, fleshy.

God, I've always wanted
a piece of a larger lady!

Why don't you go and get
us some drinks or something?

I don't want a drink, I
just want to drink you.

Oh, smooth.

Stop it! I don't feel good.

Saul, get off me! You're hurting me!

Don't pretend like you don't love it.

You should be loving it,

it's not like you've got guys
banging the door down, is it?

Look how hard I am for you!

Eh? Cos you know what you're
doing to me, don't you?

Stop being so frigid!

Just touch me... a little.

Come on, we don't have to do
anything serious... just touch me.

- No, no, please.
- Why not, I can't...

If you put another finger on me,

I will scream this fucking
house down, I swear to God!

Chlo!

Chloe!

Chloe!

- Come on, Chloe, we've got to go!
- Why?

Saul just tried it on
with me in the toilet.

That's what happened.

Chloe, I said I didn't want
to and then I had to run out,

it was horrible!

- Will you please just get your things?
- Rae, are you deaf? I'm fine.

- I'm not coming.
- Listen to your friend, Rae.

Chloe, please, I'm not feeling good.

Fine!

Rae...

Can I come in?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

So, what's going on?

I was in the neighbourhood.

Well, I was 20 minutes away.

I was at a party and this
guy came on pretty strong.

Did anything happen?

No.

No, it was fine... I got out of there.

But Chloe's still there.

Is she in trouble?

No, erm, no, no-one's in trouble.

It was just horrible!

- I'm just fed up feeling horrible!
- Is everything all right?

Rae, this is Carrie.

Hiya.

I'll just leave you to it.

Well, she seems nice.

Yeah.

Look, erm, why don't we call your
mum and get her to pick you up.

Yeah? And we can talk about
this next week, when you come in.

I'm sorry!

I know I messed up, I won't do it again.

Please don't be angry with me.

Are we still on for the scan on Monday?

Rae.

- Archie, what's going on?
- Where were you last night?

Uffington.

What's happened?

Kicked off. Big time.

I knew it was going to
be one of those nights

because it was a full moon.

You know how people go
crazy on a full moon?

It was the only time we've ever kissed.

I didn't even mean it.

- Chop's going to be so upset.
- Don't tell him. It was a one-off. Great.

- Yo, yo! All right, babe.
- I'm just going to the loo.

So, we having it tonight or what?

Fucking Amy, I'm going to start
with a cigarette. Who fancies a fag?

Chop, fag?

- No?
- Yeah, I'll have one. Archie?

Fag?

Go fuck yourself.

What was that for?

I was only asking if you wanted a poof.

You know what the worst
thing is about this?

It's not you two fucking twats.

It's you.

You're supposed to be my
mate and you're sitting there

with your thumb up your ass while
they take the piss out of me.

Archie, wait.

You're a fucking coward.

You deserve everything you get.

- He did get everything he deserved.
- So has she told him about the kiss?

No.

She couldn't do it. So
she just broke up with him.

Wow. That was awful. OK, we need
to sort everything out tonight.

- We need to get the gang together.
- What gang?

It's not a gang any more, Rae.

- Hello.
- I was worried your mum might answer.

It's Victor. It's your dad.

Our group has to perform a
couple of groups a cappella.

The thing is no-one
knows what they're doing.

- And we haven't even decided on which songs.
- You should take charge.

- No. I'm only there because no other group will have me.
- You know music.

If anyone can save it, you can.

Possible?

- You're asking me?
- I'm asking you.

No. Look...

I've got something for you.

It's a sort of early birthday present.

- What?
- I kind of owe you 16 birthday presents.

I love it.

Thank you.

'And there it was.

Better than a party, better
than car, better than anything.'

Why don't we make this a regular thing?

You know, every Saturday
afternoon or something?

- Yeah, I'd like that.
- And you know you can call me any time.

I mean that.

And then maybe we can work
up to telling your mum.

God. Your mum is the most difficult
woman in the world to live with.

What about the quiz shows?

She never was the brightest.
She always was a bit thick.

I'm sorry. I'm not being mean.

It's just that she does like
some stupid things. Doesn't she?

She's a bit dumb sometimes, I guess.

Right, let's find a song for your show.

♪ He's a poor boy ♪

♪ Empty as a pocket ♪

♪ Empty with a pocket
with nothing to lose ♪

♪ Sing ta na na ♪
♪ Ta na na ♪

♪ Ta na na na na ♪

♪ She's got diamonds on
the soles of her shoes. ♪

The songs you chose were mint. Why
weren't you singing at the concert?

I told you. I'm just standing
in until Chloe gets back.

That is if Chloe bothers turning up.

Well, speak of the devil.

Sorry I'm late.

- What's wrong with you?
- What?

Aside from the fact that you
turn up to rehearsals late

when your performance is in five days.

Or is it the fact that you
let me down at the party?

You left me stranded.

- I was in trouble and you did nothing.
- Babe, I didn't realise.

I was drunk.

I really need to talk
to you about something.

Why can't you think of anyone but yourself?

You're supposed to be my best mate,
Chloe, and you don't give a shit.

I'm not your mum, Rae.

- I can't look after you all the time.
- What's that supposed to mean?

You're fragile. You
need constant management.

It's not my fault you act like a kid.

It's not my fault you're frigid.

- Did Saul say that?
- Yeah, he did.

And it's true.

Look what happened with you and Finn.

Don't you ever, ever
talk about me and Finn.

- You stay away from me.
- I didn't mean it.

Frigid.

Frigid.

'I couldn't let Chloe be right.

I'm not a kid and I'm not frigid.

Finn wanted to tell me
something the other day

and now I wanted to hear it.

It was time to go and get him.'

'I wasn't a girl any
more. I could handle it.'

- Mr Nelson, is Finn at home?
- He's gone to Leeds. He left this morning.

Oh, he's gone.

He's going to come back to
visit in a few weeks, maybe.

When he's settled.

Thanks.

Hi, this is Vic.

If you're calling for
Artisan Antiques our working

hours are 9-5...

Rae.

- Can I come in?
- What's happened?

Nothing.

Then no, Rae, you can't just
come around whenever you want.

I'm sorry. It's just not appropriate.

We'll talk about it at our next session.

Good night, Rae.

Let's have some fun.

What are you doing?

Don't take your clothes off. Neither
of us are oil paintings, are we?

It's probably best if we
just kept our clothes on.

Is that OK?

Yeah.

That was great, thanks.