My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Not I - full transcript

I've got a scan.
Will you come with me? Course.

Let's have some fun.
Take your clothes off.

Neither of us
are oil paintings, are we?

Can I come in?

No, Rae, you can't just come round
whenever you want.

Come on, Chloe,
we've got to go. Go where?

I'm not coming. Fine. Why aren't you
singing at the concert?

I'm just standing in
until Chloe gets back.

That is, if Chloe
bothers turning up.

# It's been seven hours
and fifteen days

# Since you took your love away



# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# I go out every night
and sleep all day

# Since you took your love away

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Since you've been gone
I can do whatever I want

# I can see whomever I choose

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# I can eat my dinner
in a fancy restaurant

# But nothing, I said nothing
can take away these blues

# Cos nothing compares to you. #

Whoo!

Seriously, Rae, that was class.

Why can't you do
the actual performance on Friday?

I think I'd literally rather
stick a jellyfish in my kecks



than sing in front of an audience.

Anyway, I can't take Chloe's part.
Chloe's insisting on the lead vocal

and she won't even turn up.

She's a bitch. She's a total bitch.
Everybody says it, not just me.

Leave her alone. Maybe she's got
stuff going on. Right, Rae?

Dunno, Iz. Why isn't she here?

OK, gang? Erm, I just got a call

saying that Chloe isn't going to be
able to make it for the performance.

You're going to have to find
a replacement for her.

No.

'Dear diary, this was worse

'than being repeatedly stung
on the vagina by a jellyfish.

'I was not doing that performance,
not in front of that many people.

'No way, no how.

'Chloe has no consideration
for others, including me.

'The performing arts group
were right. She is a bitch.'

She's missing?

W...

Well, how long has she been gone?
Two days.

She left a note.

Please don't lose any sleep over it,
Rae. She does this all the time.

I called the police the first time.

She strolled in through
the front door a few hours later

as if nothing had happened.
She's not responsible like you, Rae.

OK, erm...

Chloe's got some of the posters
that we need for the concert.

Is it all right if I just...? Yeah,
course. You know where her room is.

'Her dad was spot-on,
this was typical of Chloe.

'She was off doing
God knows what God knows where

'while the rest of us
were left to pick up the pieces.'

' "Dear diary..."

'Oh, my God, Chloe kept a diary?!

'I'm not the sort of sneaky two-faced
cow who would actually read it.

I am better than that!

'I am better than that...'

'Friday the 5th of July 1996.
It's here, finally it's here,

'the last day of school.

'No more stupid uniform,
no more homework.

'And I had one final assignment.'

Hiya, sir. Hi, Chloe. All the girls
have been talking about you.

They want to know what your name is.
Ah, it's Mr Carrisford.

Yeah, well, we know that.
What's your first name?

It's top secret.

So, are we going to get a chance
to catch up now that school's over?

What do you mean? Well, technically
I'm not a student here any more.

So we could...

meet up...

have a chat.

One piece of advice for the future.
Don't make promises you can't keep.

I don't break promises.

Chloe?

It's Stephen.

See you later, Ste.

Found what you're looking for, love?

I guess I'll just head off, then.

'I don't know
what was more surprising,

'the fact that Chloe kept a diary or
the fact that I was now stealing it.'

Everyone, this is Chloe. Hiya.
She's the girl I met at dance. Hiya.

'Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where do I come in?

'Ah, here we go.'

Everyone, this is Rae. OK, she's
amazing, she's funny, she's pretty.

She can proper dance.

And she could probably drink
all of you boys under the table.

Bollocks. Ooh,
sounds like a challenge.

Right, I'll get the shots in. OK.

That's not what happened!

That is total bollocks. She never
said all that stuff about me!

She's warped it
to make herself feel good.

Everyone, this is Rae. Y'all right?
Hiya! All right? Want a drink?

Cos Chop can get served. Er, no,
it's all right. I don't drink.

'See? I didn't even
bloody drink back then.

'This is total, undiluted,
grade-A shit.'

Oh, my God, guess who I seen today.
"Saw". Who? Rae Earl.

She's back from France. Mm.

What? Jacob Radcliffe's dad
says she's been ill.

Mentally ill. It's no wonder, with
a mother like that, though, is it?

So, what do you mean?

She's not been in France?
I don't know where she's been.

But I do know that she's had
a breakdown, though.

I once heard her mother tell
Dr Entwistle to go and eff himself.

You should stay away
from them both, Chloe.

The whole family.
They're programmed differently.

There you go.

Is there nothing from the fry-up?
No, there isn't.

Dad's got loads.

Oh, men have bigger appetites
than women, Chloe,

and big appetites need feeding.

I didn't think you'd come.

Thought you'd bottle it.
Yeah, well, I'm not a bottler.

'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.'

Come on, pick up!

'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.'

Pick up!

'Hi, this is Stephen.
Leave a message, I'll hit you back.'

Come on!

Hiya. It's me. I...

I know you told me not to call,
but can you ring me back, please?

We just really need to talk.

Are you feeling all right?

A bit better.

Listen, Chloe...

..I wasn't in France this year.

Where were you?

I've been ill.

I did something stupid.

I hurt myself.

Why would you do that?

I will tell you.

I just need time.

Is that OK?

Of course it is.

I've got it!

Hello?

Yeah, well, then...

What time?

Right. Bye.

Stephen.

He wants me to go over.
But I'm not leaving you on your own.

No. Hey, don't be silly.
You should go and talk to him.

You sure? Yeah.

I didn't say you could leave, Chloe.
You just bloody left.

Ohhh! That's not how it happened.

'That's not how it happened.
I don't...

'Well, I don't remember it
like that.'

OK, we've got to
pretend it's 7.30, yeah...?

'Not only had she been lying
about what happened in her diary,

'Chloe still hadn't
bloody shown up!'

Rae.

Rae, are you OK? No!

No, I'm not. Mrs Coombes says that
if I don't do this performance,

I'm not going to get a mark,
and I'm going to fail.

I'm on a final warning as it is.

I've got something that might help.

Just take it to the show.

We'll all bringing our parents.
I think you'll feel much better

about it if you've got
someone there supporting you.

Izzy.

'Maybe Izzy was right.

'If I had someone
there to support me,

'maybe I could get through it.'

'Hang on.'

'What the fuck?!

'Don't do it.

'You don't need this
in your life right now.'

..what do you call it then?

And he went,
"Blackpool Eiffer." Eiffel...!

I'm not talking about
that kind of tower, love!

Simon! What is Simon like...?!

'I really am crap at jokes.

'Rae's always cracking jokes.

'Some stuff I don't really get.
I'm not stupid -

'I'm just not programmed like that.

'I need to practise.'

Yeah, but let's be honest, Rae, when
was the last time you seen a tower?

Seriously?!

You look down.

Oh, I'm all right.

You know what I do when I'm down?

I pick up the beer mat of happiness.

It used to be the beer mat of joy,
but there was...

another beer mat somewhere else
called that, and then there was this

bit, big court case about it, and it
got really complicated, and then...

Anyway, just for today...

..I'm going to give you
the beer mat of happiness.

Yeah?

I can't.

It's too much for me to
handle, it's... too happy.

Here you are.

There you go.

But I want that back, right?

It's just a loan, yeah?

OK. OK? OK!

'I like Finn.
He's so different from Steven.

'Finn makes me feel like you
do when you put on a new dress.

'You know, when you get that
zing feeling... or whatever.

'He makes me feel
like a good person.'

Love from X.

Go on!

'Rae so clearly fancies Finn, too -
but I liked him first!

'You know? I've liked
him since I've known him,

'and I've known him longer.

'Needed to mark the territory.

'I needed to make it clear
Finn was mine to go for.'

Oh, what does she think
Finn is, a fuckin' lamppost?

Can I tell you something, Rae?

It was me who sent
the letter to Finn.

The more time I spend with him,
I realise how much I like him.

I really like him.

Do you like anyone at the minute?

Not really.

'I hate it when Rae lies to me.

'We're supposed to be best friends.'

Oh, piss off!

'She can be so
self-centred sometimes.'

Oh, piss right off!

'Self-centred? Me?
Oh, let's look it up, shall we?

'Ha! in your face, Chloe!'

So, there's this singing event
thing at college on Friday.

It's an assessed piece
for performing arts.

I'm singing a solo, and...

Well, I've...

I've got some spare
tickets if you want to come.

Mum.

What?

Well, do you want to come...
to the concert?

No.

I'm sorry I missed the scan.

I went on my own.

I sat in that hospital on my own,

feeling rotten,

not sure what was going
on inside me, and you couldn't even

be bothered to show your face,
and you're asking me for support!

Mum, I've got to sing in front
of the whole college...!

You're not listening, are you?
Just thinking about yourself,

just like you always do.

You're only sorry
because you feel guilty,

cos you're being self-centred.

I'm not self-centred. I never
said you WERE self-centred,

I said you were BEING self-centred.

I'M NOT SELF-CENTRED!

I'm sorry if you're angry
about the other night.

But I just wanted to explain that I
also have stuff going on, you know,

I had a visitor. That woman?

Yes, that woman.

Let's just say I don't...
I don't want to mess things up.

You know that feeling.

I just wanted... to tell
you it from my point of view.

You know.

Because I only ever think of myself?

Because I'm self-centred, right?

That's not what I'm saying.

I needed you.

You gave me your number and
you said to ring when I wanted.

I didn't say that,
I said you could ring if...

y-you were feeling...

you were going to do something
stupid, or if you felt like you

were going to hurt yourself again?
How do you know that I wasn't?

Were you?

Well...

you're the expert at seeing things
from other people's points of view.

I want to, er...

I want to set up good
boundaries between us.

Because I care about you,
and I need to...

be sure that I'm doing the
best job possible for you.

Sometimes that means

putting a bit of space between us.

Me and Liam fooled
around the other night.

When... when did...
when did that happen?

Couple of nights ago. Mm-hmm.

What was that like? It was horrible.

He told me to keep my
top on, because he said

we're not exactly oil paintings.

And how did that make you feel?
Good.

Because it confirmed everything that
I feel about myself.

I told you, I specifically... said that
you were to be careful around Liam.

I mean, it's not good for you
and he... it's not good

that any two people involved in
therapy to get involved.

Yeah, well... maybe not everyone's
as good as boundaries as you are.

'It was the first time I'd ever been
nervous about anything.

'Now, if I could kiss him,

'if I could make him see how much I
loved him, how much I wanted him...

'Do it. Just go and do it.'

You are an amazing kisser.

Did you like that did you?

Best, ever.

Ever!

'Oh, my God!

'Finn was banging to me.
Best night EVER.'

OK, so... so I'm gonna go.

OK.

'It's awkward now, but it won't be
after a few days of going out.

'Maybe I should just hold his hand,
make things seem less weird.'

Look, Collett.

I'm sorry about last night.

What do you mean?

I was drunk.

So what, everyone was drunk.

Yeah, I know, but...

You should never really kiss...

someone unless you really mean
it, right?

Especially not your friends.

I'm sorry. I fucked up.

No, it's all right, it was...

It was only a kiss.

It didn't mean anything.

Suppose.

It's not like we did it.

I felt bad. Don't!

Don't.

Well...

I'm gonna go and get a shower.

And I'm going to get myself a shift
load of peppermint tea.

I'll See you later, yeah?
Yeah, see you later.

'This is what you're angry about?'

Wouldn't you be angry if your best
mate said you didn't deserve someone?

Oi! What are you laughing at?

Chloe...

What? I didn't mean it.

You're welcome to him, I guess.

Am I a bitch, Rae?
Everyone can be a bitch.

Yeah, but it's like some more than
others, isn't it?

Chloe...?

You're not a bitch.

All right then, I'm not.

'Maybe Rae didn't mean it?

'But what if she was right?

'What if I didn't deserve
someone like Finn?

'What if I didn't deserve
someone good.

'Rae's a beautiful person,
not bitchy and broken like me.'

You're not a bitch.

Anxiety often feels like something
that's overwhelming cos it's big

and grey, like a dark cloud.

So, it's really important when you're
feeling that way that you try

and narrow down exactly what it is
that you're worried about.

And that way...

Sorry.

So, em...

So, has anyone...?

Anyone got anything that they're
worried about at the moment?

I'm going home next week.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

And I'm worried about being
too excited.

And having too much fun.

Great, great. Em, anyone else?

I've got a concert at college.

I don't know if I can do it or not.

OK, great.
Has anyone got any advice for Rae?

You could imagine
the audience naked.

All right, Liam,
that's great, thank you.

Like imagine all their bits
flapping around.

You know, flesh...
Look, Liam, anyone else?

Anybody? ..people say it helps
but on second thoughts,

do you really want to imagine all
the teachers with their kits off?

All right, Liam, we've got
that, I think. And I mean...

Liam! ..because your anxiety may
disappear cos you might end up

being sick everywhere.

Will you shut your mouth, please?!

Do you have to be so disruptive?!
Do you?!

People come here to try to learn to
cope and all you do is undermine it!

Stop. Fuck him and fuck this place!

Nobody talks to me like that,
it's bullshit!

I'm not coming here any more,
I'm done with therapy.

Liam, you don't mean that.

Yeah, I do. It doesn't work.

Behaviour is habitual, it's like a
path you walk over and over again.

A divot, a furrow, you follow that
path and you don't think about it.

Yep, I know what habitual means,
Liam.

In therapy, we learn why our paths
in our heads are formed

the way they are,
why we're "fucked up"

and whenever we go
out into the real world,

it's a problem because we
still walk down the same path

and we still make the same choices
because people can't change.

People can change.

Yeah?

That's what Kester
wants you to think.

Because me and you, Rae, we are
always going to be fuck-ups.

We are.

But there's nothing wrong with that.

And maybe...

..maybe we could be
fuck-ups together.

What do you mean? I know that I said
I didn't want to go out with you.

The more time I spend with you,

the more I realise that we were
made for each other.

Just think about it.

Yeah?

'Imagine them naked. Naked, naked.'

'Nearly. Come on,
imagine them naked.

'Imagine their bits just flapping
around. Imagine the humanity of it.'

Wake up, Rae.

'Just leave it.

'It's going to mess you up
and it's going to make you anxious

'and you don't need that
in your life at the moment.'

'Dear Diary, it's a good thing that
Finn and Rae are so happy together.

'I should be happy for them, right?
That means I have to move on.'

World War II didn't even start
when Hitler invaded Poland.

It started when Japan invaded China.
Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, I don't know.
I was crap at history, really.

I'm crap at anything like that.
You're not crap at anything.

Garvey said,
"If you have no confidence in self,

"you're twice defeated in life."
Good old Garvey.

Yeah.

I, eh...

Good night, Chlo.

Izzy, I don't believe it.

That's the second girl
I've seen wearing this outfit.

Yeah, well, maybe hers is more
of like a pinky-blue whereas yours

is more like... purple-y.

Izzy, it's the exact same colour.

Right, my first day at college is
ruined. It couldn't get any worse.

'I had to find a way to stand out.

'Boys won't realise how cool you are
if they don't know you exist.

'But how do you get them
to notice you?'

Are you sure?

Yeah, I've not got
much of an appetite.

Here you go. Cheers. It's all right.
Thanks for coming, Rae, I just...

Well, I just wanted to talk to you
about something. God, my life sucks.

I don't even know why
I call it a life.

Calling it a life is like a breach
of the Trade Descriptions Act.

Well, I'm thinking of doing
something a bit, em... well,

a bit crazy. And I wanted to
talk to you about it... So what?

I missed a few days of college.
That's not a big deal, is it?

The way my mum reacted, you'd think
I'd been caught selling crack.

God, she is a pain in the arse.

Oh! I'm sorry, Chloe.
Sorry, what were you saying?

Nothing. Nothing.

'How many moments did
I miss like that?'

'How many times had I let Chloe down
when she needed some support?

'Needed a friend?'

Oh, my God, Rae. Hiya.

What are you doing here?

Are you going somewhere?
Yeah, we're off to Portugal.

We saw a deal last night on teletext
and we thought,

"Bollocks to it, let's go!"

We? Eh, yeah, I'm sorry,
I never introduced you.

This is Jude, my partner. Hello.

Em, well, what about tea
tomorrow night?

I thought I was supposed
to come round on Saturdays.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

What's going on? Oh, don't worry,
darling, you get in the cab.

Why don't we meet up when I get back?

Huh? Can't wait.

I mean it. OK?

'Maybe I didn't deserve
anyone's support.

'Maybe being a letdown
ran in the family.'

'And it wasn't just that
I hadn't been there for her.'

I'm just worried about her.

I know.
Why didn't she set the alarm off?

I'm scared if she gets sick again,
Archie, we can't let that happen.

I won't let that happen.

'It was that she had been
there for me.'

'Whenever I'd been at my lowest ebb,
she'd been there for me.'

'And it wasn't just reading a diary
that made me realise it. I knew it.

'Because now, when I really
needed her, she was gone.'

'Dear Diary, how long does Finn
have to be single before I can

'ask him out?' Finn.

All right. Hi. You OK? Yeah.

Look, I've got to run but I'll see
you later at the pub maybe, yeah?

Yeah. See you in a bit. Bye.

'Maybe I should accept that
guys like Finn don't go out with

'girls like me.

'They want someone interesting,
someone funny and clever.

'I'm not good at any of that.'

Got a light?

I don't smoke.

Want a beer?
What makes you think I drink?

You don't smoke, you don't drink.
What do you do?

'I am good at some things, though.'

I don't want to kiss you. Yeah,
but my kiss is not on the mouth. You wish!

Oi, just a kiss! I know.

All right, let's do this!

The concert was in a few hours
and I had to rehearse,

I had to concentrate!

There were only a few pages left
to bring us to the present day.

It was like moving slowly
past a crumpled heap

on the motorway... I
couldn't look away.

I know you're not the type of
girl who likes to stop at a kiss.

Maybe not,

I had you down as the type of
man who's a bit of a bottler.

What do you mean?

All mouth, no trousers.

I'm not a fucking bottler!
Well, prove it.

How much could I have helped her
if only I'd been a better friend?

How much would be different?

Come on, Chloe, we're going.

Going where? I'm not going anywhere.

Saul just tried it on with me
in the toilet... it was horrible!

I could barely get away,
we're going home.

Well, I'm fine, Rae, if you
want to go, that's fine.

Whatever, Chlo.

Your friend shouldn't look
a gift horse in the mouth!

What do you mean?

Doubt she's got loads of
people wanting to fuck her,

she should take
whatever comes along.

Get me a slice of pizza.

Rae isn't around much at the
moment because she's got Liam.

So, there's no-one I
can really talk to.

Well, there is one
person I can go to.

One person who makes me feel safe

and makes me feel good.

Oi, what's up, stud?

Not much.

I broke up with Olivia.

Well, are you all right?

Yeah.

Oh, my God! He's single again.

You have to tell him how you feel.

Look what happened last
time... tell him... tell him.

Oh, God!

Chloe, can I ask you something? Yeah.

How do you get over someone?

How do you move on?
Well, what do you mean?

I broke up with her because...

..I can't stop thinking about Rae.

Erm...

I don't know how you
get over someone.

I'm crap at advice.

I'm crap at anything
like that, really.

Maybe you never do.

Come on, let's go to the fucking pub!

Take me chips with me.

Oh, shit!

Ian, have you seen my purse?

Ian, have you seen my purse?

No. Well, I need it because I'm
going now. Shut the fuck up, Chloe.

Ian, don't talk to me like that!

Have you saw it? I
said, shut the fuck up!

And it's seen, stupid slag.

Come on! I'm paused here,
who the fuck paused it?

Do you know what, Ian?

Go and find someone else to be
horrible to because I'm leaving.

You'll be back. No, I won't!

Right, you don't deserve me

and I deserve better.

You will be back because if
I have to come and find you,

I'll be very annoyed.

# She's a rich girl

# Ooh-ah, ooh-ah

# Don't try to hide it

# Ooh-ah, ooh-ah

# Diamonds on the
soles of her shoes... #

Great!

# He's a poor boy

# Ooh-ah, ooh-ah

# Empty as a pocket,
empty as a pocket

# With nothing to
lose, sing to-na-na

# To-na-na

# To-na-na-na-na

# She's diamonds on
the soles of her shoes

# To-na-na

# To-na-na

# To-na-na-na-na

# She's got diamonds on
the soles of her shoes. #

Well done! Are you happy?

Yeah. Yeah. Greg?

Happy. Izz? Yeah.

Do you like the arrangement? I think
I've got it? Yeah, what is it then?

To-na-na, to-na-na-na-na...

Sorry I'm late.

Where have you been?

Oh... just... just had a bug.

What's up? Nothing.
What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?

You let me down at the party.

Look, Rae...

You just left me stranded! I was
in trouble and you did nothing!

Rae, I'm really sorry, I
didn't realise, I was drunk.

Can we please meet up and talk
later cos there's something I'm...

You're supposed to be my best mate,
Chloe, and you don't give a shit!

Will you just listen to
what I'm trying to say!

I'm not your mum!

I can't look after you all the time.

Stay away from me.

Rae, please!

No, no...

No, no, no.

..no, no, no!

The concert was in an hour

but my heart was too broken
to feel afraid any more.

I was too far gone.

No cuts or burns or pinches on
my body had ever gone this deep.

Because of me, because of my
actions, my selfishness,

Chloe was gone!

Everyone, this is Rae.

She's amazing, she's funny.

So, are we going to get
a chance to catch up?

Have you not been in France?

I don't know where she's been.

I don't break promises.

I do know she's had
a breakdown though.

I did something stupid.

Stay away from
them both, the whole family,

they're programmed differently.

I'm not leaving you on our own.

Rae so clearly fancies Finn
too but I liked him first!

We just really need to talk, Rae.

It was only a kiss.

What if I didn't
deserve someone good.

Rae's a beautiful person.

I'm not a fucking bottler.

I'm not bitching, I'm broken.

I'm scared if she gets
sick again, I can't let that happen.

You're supposed to be my best mate,
Chloe, and you don't give a shit!

You don't care about
anyone but yourself!

I'm not your mum!

# It's been seven hours and 15 days

# Since you took your love away

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# I go out every night
and sleep all day

# Since you took your love away

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# I went to the doctor and
guess what he told me? #

# I could put my arms
around every boy I see... #

Nine months in therapy. Nine months,
going back to the same point.

Nine months of, "You need to
like yourself more, Rae."

Well, the truth is, now I've
seen things the way they are.

I've never liked myself any
less than I do right now.

Because, guess what?

I am a bitch!

There was only one
last page to read.

But I already knew exactly
how this story ended.

I left a message
for Chloe's parents,

telling them where I
thought she might have gone,

where I knew she was.

Dear diary, I'm crap at most things

but one thing I'm not crap at... men.

I understand their appetites.

I know what they need feeding.

Like Liam says, you can't
change your behaviour.

We walk the same old
paths, the same old divots,

the same old furrows and my
paths are concreted over,

my furrows are as deep as Grand
Canyon's and a girl like me,

well, she's got to take
whatever she can get!

What can I say... I'm surprised and
delighted to see you this evening.

I just think...

You sure you want to do this?

Don't talk.

What are you doing?

I'm turning the light off.

We're not exactly
oil paintings, are we?