My Mad Fat Diary (2013–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Friday - full transcript

I just want to be friends.
I don't want to go out.

I can't be friends with you right now.

I just can't.

Then there's Amy. She's not scary.

Did I see you hanging around
with Amy earlier? Is she single?

I'm going out with
Archie, from second year.

You are leading her on, exactly
the same as what you did to me.

- Stay out of it, Rae.
- No, I'm not going to stay out of it.

Archie's gay, Lois.

CLATTERING LIKE TRAIN ON TRACK

RAE GASPS



'People say that when you
wake up from a nightmare,

the relief you feel when you realise
it was just a dream is overwhelming.

But sometimes, I wake up from a nightmare

and wish I was still asleep

because it's so much better than real life.

MUSIC: "One To Another" by The Charlatans

♪ I hear our day is coming ♪

♪ Gets sweeter every year ♪

♪ Tomorrow could be too easy ♪

♪ And today is gonna be too near ♪

♪ Trust is for believers ♪

♪ And love can keep the faith ♪

♪ I don't need you, I can't buy you ♪

♪ I can't hurt you. ♪



_

'Dear Diary, things are finally looking up.

In the train wreck of my life,
one thing has made me feel happy,

not alone and like I'm not the
only freak. His name is Liam Owen.

Here are three things I
absolutely love about Liam.

Number one, he's just
started dating Amy Malone,

so there is no chance of anything
romantic happening between us,

which means I won't have to get naked.'

KLAXON BLARES

MUSIC: "Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop

RAE PANTS

'Number two... '

'... he understands.'

'And number three... '

- You won't do it.
- Fucking will.

You won't!

'... he's absolutely fearless.'

'He's so unlike me. He's
not scared by the world.'

- Run!
- 'He grabs life by its fucking ears

and he's exactly what I need.'

Why did you do that?!

I hate traffic wardens.

- You don't even drive.
- Yeah, well, I hate them on principle.

I don't think we're built
for on-foot getaways.

Yeah, well...

... neither is he.

'When I'm with him, I feel alive... '

BRAKES SCREECH, LIAM GROANS

'... because he's completely invincible.'

ISLAMIC CALL TO PRAYER

CALL TO PRAYER CONTINUES

Oh, what the... ?

CALL STOPS

I'm getting too old for this shit.

'Monday 14th of October, 1996.'

MUSIC: "Finetime" by Cast

'Dear Diary, I'm beginning to
think my life will never be normal.'

Karim wants the baby to be born into Islam,

so he's rekindling his faith

and he's asked me to join him.

Oh, and he's got a job as a lollipop man!

Of course he has.

- Stop! Children are cross!
- LAUGHING: Children crossing!

Stop crossing!

Oh! I do love a man in uniform. Mmm.

Oh, bye, darling.

Right, Rae, I hope you're hungry.

We've got to eat all of
this pork before tomorrow.

The imam is coming round
to talk about my conversion,

and we can't have any
of it left in the house.

Sausage roll, Scotch egg, normal
bacon, smoky bacon, streaky bacon.

Got gammon, sandwich ham, hot
dogs, pork balls, chorizo and Spam.

Oh, it's lucky we're a family
that doesn't eat much pork(!)

I know! And...

I had a quick tidy up around the house

and this is the grand
total of all of your crap

that you've left lying around.

Why, for example, was this
in the kitchen cupboard?

- If you don't want it, throw it away.
- I can't throw it away,

- it's a collectable.
- I don't care what you do with it, Rae,

just move it out of my
field of vision for ever!

This house needs to be
spick-and-span for the imam.

RAE SIGHS

'However much fun I was having with Liam,

there was one thing I'd been ignoring,

and that was the fact that

I'd landed Archie totally up
to his tonsils in the turd.'

Archie! Please, I just want to apologise.

I know I screwed up.

You didn't just screw up,
Rae, you've destroyed my life!

- What did Lois say?
- Nothing.

I've not spoken to her since she ran off.

She could've told everybody.

Do you know what that means for me?

I'm so sorry, Archie.

I, erm... I got you some balloons.

I couldn't afford proper helium ones.

And I would've written you a song,
but... I can't play the guitar.

ARCHIE SIGHS

Stop calling me.

DOOR SLAMS

RAE SIGHS

I walked into our shop...

Go on, Danny.

And my dad said, "She's gone."

I thought he meant out,
like she'd gone out.

She had pottery classes on a Wednesday.

But I was confused,
because it was a Friday.

But I went upstairs...

... and I sat down.

I thought she'd come back.

I thought she'd come back with
her hands covered in dried clay!

Danny, this was so long ago.

It's your responsibility
to heal it, no-one else's.

I just want to give you
a good shake. JENNY LAUGHS

Jenny, I know you're trying to be helpful,

but maybe we could keep it positive?

I know. I'm just saying, I
understand he has problems,

but he needs to be a
man, for goodness' sake.

Do you know what, Jenny?!

Maybe Danny hasn't read as
many self-help books as you.

Maybe he's not as healed
and as perfect as you are.

Maybe none of us are.

But at least the rest
of us have the good sense

to know when to shut
the fuck up and listen.

All right, Liam. That's enough.

Danny, well done, mate!
That was very brave of you.

Well, I think that's it for this session.

Come on, Alarm Girl, let's do one.

Thank you, everyone.

'Liam is so unlike me. He's so brave.'

'He just doesn't care what people think.'

- Shit.
- What?

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything about what?

- All right, sweets.
- Where have you two been?

- Best get going.
- Where have you been?

Nowhere.

Erm... Rae's doing sociology,
so I lent her my coursework

from last year, right, Rae?

'And that's when I realised, we were
more alike than I first thought.'

Yep. That's right.

Oh. OK.

Come on, come on, give it to me! Come on!

Go!

Whoo!

Oh, well played, Archie!

Finish!

RAE SIGHS

Do you want me to go?

Nah! Don't be silly.

SHE SIGHS

Look, I don't like this. It's ridiculous.

Can we be friends?

You know I'd love that.

Come on, lads!

MUSIC: "The Only One I
Know" by The Charlatans

'Look, I don't know why I did it... '

I guess it just reminded me
of when you went out with me,

and I didn't want you to
do the same thing to Lois.

What if I say sorry a million times?

Sorry.

DEEP VOICE: Sorry.

Sorry! Sorry!

Oh, stop.

HE SIGHS

Well, it looks like she
hasn't told anyone anyway,

so, I guess that gets
you off the hook a little.

I don't know why did it, Rae.

I just keep... going down this same path

and I feel too polite to stop it.

And before long, I've gone and... Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

I've been thinking about my feelings.

People think that you dumped me,

and that we never did owt cos I was frigid.

It's not fair what you've done.

And I don't want anyone else to
go through what I'm going through.

I know it must be difficult,
so I'll let you have some time.

But if you don't tell
everyone the truth by Friday...

... I will.

- Lois, no.
- Friday, Archie.

♪ Everyone ♪

♪ Has been burned before ♪

♪ Everybody knows the pain... ♪

RAE SIGHS

(Shit!)

Why haven't you told anyone about group?

Liam, you're, like, the
bravest person I know.

You don't give a shit
about what people think.

It's nothing to do with being brave.

I've not told anyone because...
it's none of their business.

I just can't believe how much...

- What?
- You're just like me.

You think I should tell people I'm mental?

I think...

you should do what you want.

It's your life.

Awww.

Hiya.

Oh, shit.

I didn't get any orange juice.
Could you grab me some, sweets?

- I've really...
- Stay where you are.

You know yesterday, when
I bumped into you and Liam?

Where'd you been together?

- GLASS SMASHES
-Studying.

Yeah, he's, um, helping
me with my sociology.

- So why were you in the park?
- We just wanted to go for a walk.

- Well, where were your books?
- I...

I'm always seeing you and him together.

Touching and giggling.

And now you're sneaking about
behind my back, bullshitting me.

- I promise...
- Stay away from him, Rae Earl.

If I see you with him again, I
will smash your fucking face in.

Clear enough?

There you go.

See you later, Rae.

Oh, my God. What am I going to do, Danny?

Well, to be honest, I know Tix used
to give you a lot of sound advice,

so I'm feeling a bit of pressure here.
You know, big shoes to fill and all that.

Well, maybe she's all
mouth and no trousers.

Maybe she's like one of those
little dogs that yaps all the time,

but is terrified when
anything actually happens.

- Do you think?
- I don't know. How big is she?

- Not that big.
- Well, there you go.

And also, maybe secretly, you're
really hard, you just don't know it.

- I mean, you are quite big.
- I am not secretly hard!

I am very publicly soft as shit!

It doesn't even matter how big I am.

I dealt with situations like this all the
time when I was in the Territorial Army.

What? When were you in... ?

When faced with a situation or a situ,

as we used to call it in the
forces, you're given two options.

Fight or flight.

Now obviously, trained individuals
like myself rarely ran away,

but for a civilian like yourself,
it is certainly an option.

There is another thing you could do.

What?

Just stay away from Liam.

Look, I can try and have a word with
her, but Amy is a pretty difficult person.

Maybe she's just all mouth and no
trousers, like a little yappy dog.

Yeah, I don't know about that one.

Apparently she got kicked
out of her old college.

- What?!
- Well, I don't know if it's true,

but they were thinking about putting her
in, like, a young offenders' institute.

- What did she do?
- It doesn't matter, I was just saying.

What did she do, Chloe?!

Apparently, she... she attacked someone.

- Put them in hospital.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, well, that doesn't
matter anyway, Rae,

cos you're going to stay away from
Liam. Aren't you? Aren't you, Rae?

Yeah.

By the way, do you know what's
going on with Archie at the minute?

No, why?

Apparently he's thinking
about jacking in college.

♪ Would you stay on standby? ♪

♪ Because I need another alibi ♪

♪ In the wrong place At the wrong time. ♪

Rae!

Get away from me! Why?!

SHE SIGHS

Your girlfriend, who is nuttier
than squirrel shit, by the way,

- is going to kill me if she sees us together.
- She won't. It'll be fine.

Are you going to tell her
we were at group therapy?

I don't think that will be necessary.

OK. Well, it's been nice knowing you.

Look!

I'm not stopping seeing you.

I like being around you.

I'll sort it out.

I'll have a word with
her. Calm things down.

I promise. OK?

RAE CHUCKLES

KNOCKING

There's a place I go whenever I'm
in need of calming down a little.

LAUGHTER

- Say when.
- When. Shukran.

Rae, erm, what a pleasant surprise.

- Imam, this is my daughter, Rachel.
- Hi.

As-salaam alaikum.

Would you care to join me in
the kitchen for a quick chat?

First of all, why aren't you at college?

Because I decided to come home early.

Second of all, I specifically
told you to do something with this.

It's horrendous. I feel like I'm
living in a gay giant's jewellery box.

- I'm throwing it out.
- No, you can't! I'm going to use it!

Rae!

This is very important to
me, so just be bloody normal!

Just for five minutes!

Inshallah, we can soon open our arms
and welcome a new child to Islam.

It's very important to Karim
that his baby be born unto Islam.

And thus, it's very important to me, too.

I've been reading your book, and
I must say, it speaketh to me.

Holy shit.

Rachel Earl!

Sorry. Sorry.

More tea, Imam?

Say when.

Oh, hiya, Amy.

Hiya, Rae.

Could you come out here so
we can have a little chat?

No.

Get out here now or I'll kick the door in.

I told you to stay away from him.

- I told you you weren't going to be friends.
- Just smack her.

Amy, she's clearly lying.

I'm not! There's nothing going on
between us! I don't fancy him at all!

- Are you saying he's ugly?
- No.

So you're saying he's fit?

- No.
- Which are you saying?

Oh, bollocks.

I'm saying that he is
moderately good-looking,

but within that, he's not my type.

She's bullshitting you,
Amy. Just smack 'er.

You can't let her do this to you.
Everyone knows she's up to something.

She's trying to embarrass you.

Do you think you're harder
than me, just cos you're big?

No, I don't. I'm not hard at
all! Oh, no, please, Amy, don't.

Er, I don't know what the bloody hell
is going on out here, but it ends now!

Now.

We should go.

You've got until Friday after college
to tell me where you were with him.

Otherwise you and I are going to
have a chat down Bennett Lane rec.

Understood?

I'd already messed up one person's
life by blurting out their secrets.

I couldn't do it again. I needed
Liam to tell the truth himself.

- SHE KNOCKS
- Liam?!

Liam!

SHE SIGHS

Dear Diary, it was then I
realised why I'd taken the clock

- off my wall in the first place.
- LOUD TICKING

Every tick and every tock made each
molecule in my body twist and hurt.

It reminded me, with a dark sickness,

that Friday was rushing
towards me like a steam train.

I couldn't believe I was thinking it,

but maybe my best option
was to face up to Amy.

I was bigger than her.
Maybe I stood a chance.

- Aiee-yah! The
problem was,- _

I couldn't fight my way
out of a wet paper bag.

I needed backup.

I'll fight with you, Rae. I
don't how to do it, but I'll try.

You know I'm there, Raemundo. I'll step in.

She won't touch you. You
can't hit a girl, though.

I'm not saying I'm going to hit her.
I'm going to pull a bounce on that shit.

- We can all do it.
- What about next time though,

when none of us are there?
What's going to happen then?

I'm going to get murdered.

- Hi, guys.
- ARCHIE: Hi.

Did you speak to Amy?

Look, Rae, I can't take sides on this.

Chloe, you're supposed to be my best mate.

Yeah, well, Amy told me how
you two keep going off together.

It is suspicious, Rae. I'd
be suspicious if I were her.

There is nothing going on.

Where did you even meet him?
How did you start hanging around?

I can't tell you.

Right, well, I can't help you.

He...

He just gets me.

What? And I don't?

Thought I was supposed
to be your best mate.

I'll see you later.

SHE SIGHS

I could teach you how
to defend yourself, Rae.

If you wanted to, if
you think it'd be useful.

I know me and Finn were just friends now,
but he was still the embodiment of horn.

I still couldn't believe I'd
walked away from all that!

The vagina police should
come and take my bits away.

Right hand. Go on.

So is there anything going
on between you and Liam, then?

- SHE SCOFFS
- No.

Why? Do you think there is?

- Amy Malone does.
- Yeah, well, she's a psycho.

Is it true that she got chucked out of
college cos she... broke that guy's nose?

Jesus.

Here you are. Swap.

I don't really know Liam, but
he seems a bit weird, doesn't he?

He's actually a good laugh. Is he?

He's really into his music as well.

He's pretty cool once you get to know him.

Is he?

Here you are.

- So what about you, then?
- What?

Well, are you seeing anyone else?

No, not really, no.

Right, then left, and keep your hands up.

What do you mean, not really?

Well...

... I've sort of got a date this Friday.

Just... it's a favour for
a friend, it's no big deal.

FINN GROANS

Oh, my God.

- That's pretty fucking good, Rae!
- I'm so sorry, Finn.

I can't do this! I can't hit someone!

So, what are you going to do?

You can't just stand there
and let her punch you!

KNOCK AT DOOR

- Liam!
- DOOR BELL RINGS

- Liam! Open the door!
- KNOCKING

Please!

Liam!

Since Liam was avoiding me,

and since I couldn't fight,
there was only one option left.

Flight.

The problem is that I had no car,
no cash and no place to fly to.

- Are you all right, Arch?
- There's a rumour going round

- you're in a spot of bother.
- Something like that, yeah.

Get in then.

- SIGHS
- Fucking Friday.

- I'm sorry, Arch.
- Don't be.

I've been an arse.

I deserve everything I get.

So, what's the plan?

I don't have one.

I just know I don't want
to be here on Friday.

We're getting out of here, Rae.

We're leaving our troubles behind.

Look at that grey concrete disappearing.

Look at those green fields.

Feels good, doesn't it? You feel good?

Feels good.

- SINGS ALONG TO RADIO
- * And I'm free *

♪ Free fallin'... ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm... ♪

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I'm cursed.

I swear to God, I'm cursed.

You and me both.

Do you know who J Bruce Ismay is?

No.

He was the managing director
of the White Star Lines.

He oversaw the construction of the Titanic.

Sailed with her on her maiden voyage.

When the ship sank, he abandoned
it and left 1,500 people to die.

He's one of the greatest
cowards in history.

But no-one remembers the cowards, really.

People remember the heroes.

You're not a coward.

I am, Rae.

What are you most scared of?

- Homo.
- What?

Gay. Poof.

Bender, queer, faggot.

- Nancy boy.
- Stop now.

Poofter, shirt lifter, uphill gardener,

fudge nudger, queen, babba stabba.

Archie, give up!

I don't think many people
will do it to my face,

but behind my back, it's
going to change everything.

It's not like your fight, Rae,
where it's over in an afternoon.

It's for ever.

Do you know who I'm most worried about?

It's not my parents, and
it's not the lads at college.

It's Finn.

We've been mates since primary.

We've had sleepovers, we've
topped and tailed in the same bed.

When he finds out, I don't want
him thinking back to them times

and getting the wrong idea.

He's my mate, you know.

SIGHS

ENGINE STARTS

Let's go back.

- You think we can be heroes?
- No.

But let's be cowards together.

CLOCK TICKING

I couldn't bear it any more.

The ticking of that hideous clock,
pulling my thoughts towards Friday.

Friday, Friday!

Bollocks to my mum. It had
to go back in the cupboard.

KESTER: Are you OK?

I wanted to talk to you about Liam.

What about him?

Well, he's going through
a lot at the moment.

He's been through a lot, too.

- Yeah, I know.
- I just want you to be, um... careful.

- That's all.
- Why?

What do you think he's going to do?

I don't think he's going to
do anything. I just want...

You don't even know him.

- I know him pretty well.
- You don't know him like I do.

He's exactly like me, and you
saying that you don't like him

is like you saying that you don't like me.

I didn't say I didn't like him, Rae.

He worries like me, he's big like me,

he's got the same secrets and problems,

he understands what it's like.

It's my job as a friend to protect that.

It's my job not to betray him.

What do you mean, betray him?

There's a girl at college

who wants to beat me up on Friday,

because she thinks that
there's something going on

between me and her
boyfriend, but there isn't.

And how do you think that makes her feel?

Humiliated, I guess.

- Have you tried talking to her?
- Yeah.

I've tried.

Get her on her own, somewhere
she can't feel humiliated,

see if that makes a difference.

I'm scared.

- You're afraid of getting hurt.
- Obviously!

And it's going to be in front of
everyone, which just makes it worse.

I hate that I'm the kind of
person that's scared of everything.

I never used to be like this.

- I used to be brave.
- And what happened?

The world happened.

The world happened.

The world is always going to happen, Rae.

And being brave isn't
about never being afraid.

It's about what you do when you
are. Whether you can keep your head.

Whether you do the right thing.

I had to see if Kester was right.

I had to get her on her own,
try and make her see sense.

- What are you doing 'ere?
- I wanted to talk to you.

So talk to me.

Start by telling me what you were
doing behind the curtain in college.

I was telling Liam about
how your feelings were hurt.

And how he should
explain that me and him...

... we're not up to anything.

And you've never done anything
with him?... Not even kissed him?

Not even kissed him.

'I do so hate it when Kester's right.'

'But sometimes, I love
it in equal measure.'

We couldn't find your...

'Oh, shit.'

What's she doing here?

- She's come to beg me not to fight her.
- Well?

Did she tell you where she
keeps sneaking off with Liam?

No. She didn't.

I can't.

I can't tell you.

See you tomorrow after college, then.

- Liam. I need you to open the door.
- DOOR BELL RINGS

Liam!

Come in.

I'm trying to protect you.

I'm trying to help you, and
you just keep avoiding me.

I know it's no-one else's business,

- but you have to tell Amy about group.
- No.

- Liam!
- I can't do it.

I don't want to do it.
You don't understand.

Of course I understand!

I had to admit to everyone
that I'd been locked up.

You're not even that bad.

Liam, please!

If you don't tell her,
then... I'll have to.

You're giving me no choice.

No. Please, Rae.

- Well, it's either that or I get my face smashed in.
- Please.

Please.

Please.

'And that's when I realised, we
were more alike than I ever imagined.'

'He was as terrified as I'd been.'

'I'd seen that look many times before.'

'Normally it's on my face,
staring back in the mirror.'

Liam.

Are you having a panic attack?

GASPS

'It's like you've suddenly been transported

to the top of a massive
building and you're looking down.

No other feeling left
in your body but scared.

Properly, unbelievably scared.'

Sorry.

Don't be daft.

You're very good at talking me out.

Most times I'd just be off.

Find somewhere to hide out until it stops.

My mum has got this cupboard at ours.

And it's piled high with all the
stuff I'm not supposed to have.

I just eat until it stops.

About Amy...

... I'll be there, Rae.

Four o'clock tomorrow.

I'll meet you on the rec.

Well, I'll be there too, remember.

And it won't be as bad as you think.

MUSIC: I Hope You're Feeling
Happy Now by Skunk Anansie.

♪ I hope you're feeling happy now... ♪

'Well, now I'd gone and
bloody done it, hadn't I?'

'What the hell did I kiss him back for?'

'The argument "I've done nothing wrong"

is looking pretty weak round about now.'

CLOCK TICKS

Five, four,

three, two, one.

TICKING STOPS

It's Friday.

Sodding Friday.

RAE SIGHS

Who do you think she's going to tell first?

I suppose it don't matter.

I just wonder what the protocol
is for something like this.

Do you think she's having flyers printed?

Erm... I think she'll probably tell
Vicky and then Vicky'll tell Amy.

Amy will tell Chloe.

I'm fed up, Rae.

- I'm fed up of being scared.
- It's all right to be scared.

It's what you do when
you're scared that matters.

Yeah. Well, I'm not doing anything, am I?

I want to be proud of who I am.

I want to be proud of myself.

How can I be proud of myself if I'm hiding?

So, what do you want to do?

SIGHS

Here he is. Finally.

What's going on?! I've
got work in ten minutes.

- It is everything OK, Archibug?
- Is Lois pregnant?

No.

Are you ill? Do you have a serious illness?

- Oh, my God. Archie!
- I'm not ill.

Please, please stop guessing.

Can you just tell us now,
cos you're scaring me?

SIGHS Right.

You know how me and Lois broke up?

Tell me you've not got
me down here for that.

I'm going to get bollocked when I get back.

He's clearly not finished.

I wanted to tell you...

why it didn't work out.

SIGHS

Just tell 'em, Arch.

- You know?
- Of course I know. You're me best mate!

- You never said anything.
- Neither did you.

Listen, it's... it's your business.

Archie, what's going on?

MUSIC: "Animal Nitrate" by Suede

I'm gay.

♪ He said he'd show you his bed ♪

♪ And the delights of his chemical smile ♪

♪ So in your broken home... ♪

That's why you wouldn't get off with me?!

THEY LAUGH

Come here!

'It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.'

'The relief on Archie's face.
He'd earned that by standing up,

by doing the right thing.'

♪... Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Now your animal's gone. ♪

'And now it was my turn.'

'The thing was, that every day is a
battle for people like me and Liam.

Every bloody day.'

'So, what does one more matter for us?'

'And maybe we weren't always brave
on our own, but we could be together.'

TRAIN HORN BLARES

Come on, Liam.

Where is he?

You'd better win, Rae! I'm gonna
lose a shitload of cash otherwise!

- Yeah.
- Oh, come on, Liam.

Oh, bollocks.

Bollocks.

PANICKED BREATHS

CLATTERING OF TRAIN ON TRACK

I'm not gonna fight you, Amy.

You're just going to stand there
while I smash your head in, are you?

I don't... I don't know.

- Amy, no, this isn't going to happen!
- Chloe, what are you doing?!

You said you weren't going to take sides.

Yeah, well she's my best mate!

And I don't care if she doesn't
tell you where they were together.

I believe her. She wouldn't
do something like that.

You'd better get out of
my way, Chloe, I mean it.

I'm not scared of you, Amy!

You've got this reputation as a hard case.

Where's your proof?

- There's your proof.
- Are you all right?

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

I've got something I need to tell you.

And... I didn't want you
to have to find out from me,

but... I need to tell you the truth.

So, go on, then. Say
what you've got to say.

Me and Liam,

we kissed last night.

YOUTHS GASP

Kissed?

Yeah. We hadn't done
it before, but we did...

... and... I'm sorry.

LAUGHTER

GASPS Chloe!

I'm so sorry!

Yeah.

'Like I said, me and Liam are the same.'

'We're both mad, we're both
fat and we both let people down.'

'There's a place I go
whenever I need calming down.'

'Like Kester says, the
world is going to happen,

whether you like it or not.'

GROANS Ow!

- GROANS
- Ow!

TV ON

How are you feeling, love?

Has that ointment helped?

Yeah.

Thanks.

SIGHS

TV: So, contestant number one,
please, tell us about yourself.

What were you and those
girls up to the other day?

Nothing. Just messing around.

Yeah, well, just tell me if
there's anything going on.

I don't mind giving people a
clip behind the ear if I have to.

Especially if they're messing
with my little chicken.

I can't believe you're giving up bacon.

No, neither can I.

You.

You're like Queen of bacon.

Bacon is your life.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty good
at messing things up, Rae.

I've always had a talent for it.

I love that man so much.

Such a quiet, kind person.

He's so special to me that...

... I'm going to try everything I
possibly can not to mess it up.

'I wish I'd tried harder not to mess
things up, because I was starting

to realise that quiet,
kind, special people

come along once in a lifetime.'

Jesus.

I wish I'd brought some bamboo.

ANIMAL GRUNT

Don't.

How's things?

How did it go with your parents?

My dad went in the kitchen and made a brew.

My mum asked if there were
any gay societies in Durham,

- in case I get into uni there.
- Hmm.

THEY LAUGH

Are there?

I don't know. Maybe I'll start one.

Ooh. LAUGHS

To be honest, I feel like a huge weight

has been lifted off my shoulders.

ARCHIE SIGHS

YOUTH: Shoot! Shoot!

Obviously, there are some people... well,

I guess I just need to
give people time to adjust.

But this is 1996.

I guess the world's moving on.

Archie. Sorry, mate.

What's up?

One of my brother's uni
mates is down from Glasgow,

so we've got a full team.

But I always play.

Sorry, buddy.

MUSIC: "Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure

♪ I would say I'm sorry ♪

♪ If I thought that it
would change your mind ♪

♪ But I know that this time ♪

♪ I have said too much ♪

♪ Been too unkind ♪

♪ I try to laugh about it ♪

♪ Cover it all up with lies ♪

♪ I try to laugh about it ♪

♪ Hiding the tears in my eyes ♪

♪ Cos boys don't cry ♪

♪ Boys don't cry. ♪