My Babysitter's a Vampire (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - Double Negative - full transcript

Attention, all students.
Come to the pep rally after school.

Hurry it up, let's go.

Lack at this. It's like opening day
for Revenge of the Sith all aver again.

Just, you know,
minus the stormtroopers.

My mom thinks I should donate.
She says my blood is special.

I think that's exactly why I should keep it
where it belongs, in my veins.

Dude, she has to say your blood is special,
she's your mom.

The reason you don't give blood is
because you're scared of needles, chicken.

I'm not afraid. I just don't like them.

Right, the same way you don't like
the commercial with the dancing crackers?

- It freaks you out.
- It does not, okay.



I'm just uncomfortable
with eating things that dance.

Plus, I don't see you rushing to donate.

Uh, yeah, they can lift your entire genetic code
from one drop.

What if someone cloned me?
Na way am I'm giving...

Then again,
I could stand to lose a pint or two.

You know what I'm saying? Came an.

Unless, of course, you're tan chicken.

I'm not a chicken.
I'm a hawk, with huge talons...

and laser eyes.

I just have to, um...

Talk to Sarah.

About something.

Fine. More nurse time for me then.

- Hey, Sarah.
- What's up?



Nat much. You okay?

Sure, I'm fine. Why, don't I lack okay?

You have, like,
half a bag of chips an your face.

Fine.

Seeing all this bland
is really getting to you, huh?

It's like letting contestants from The
Biggest Loser loose in a chocolate factory.

Do you need help?
I could be like your diet buddy.

It's Erica I'm worried about.
She doesn't have much self-control and if...

Hey, Sarah.

Cookie?

A student volunteer? That is so devious.

And kind of clever.

I know, right?
So when are you gonna take a sip?

The sooner we get past this whale awkward
phase of our friendship, the better.

I don't eat humans.
Sorry if that's awkward for you.

What's the deal with Sarah?

It's the smell.

She's scarfing junk fund
to dull the craving.

Mortal fund's not gonna satisfy her hunger.
That's like Vampire 101.

We'd better keep an eye an her.

- And our other fanged friends as well.
- Yeah.

Dude, if anything bad happens,
we must rescue the nurses.

I am saving that one.

Called it.

Oh, I have gotta get me one of those.

Hey, you're a big strung guy.

You've gut one more pint for me?

Annie, keep the line moving.
I'm off to the truck.

Truck? Full of bland?
Ls it vampire Christmas already?

Ooh. Could be risky.

I need a gullible little monkey
to steal it for me.

- Oh, baby. A bland vending machine.
- Shh!

Sweet.

Haw would you like to go
an a secret mission?

- Here's the plan.
- They're up to something.

I'm gonna try to get closer.

Ethan?

Well played, young Padawan.
Well played.

Na, no, no, don't do this to me.

You do realize you could end your pain
with one teensy little sip?

That bland is meant to save lives,
you know.

Well, duh, mission accomplished.

- Ah. See? Na screaming.
- Right. Until you get caught.

We'll see who screams then.

Aw. Heh, heh.

Na problem. Five-second rule.

I am strung enough to fight this craving.

After I eat this chip.

You're not actually thinking
of coming back, are you?

Because I seriously doubt
you could top that faint.

Did Spock give up when he watched
Vulcan sucked out of existence...

by a single drop of red matter?

Sorry, dude, you're an your awn. Later.

Sarah.

Hey, are you doing okay
with the whole...?

Don't say it.

Sc if you're done for the day,
what say we grab a quick, ahh...?

I'm just here for the bland.

Fine, I'll just-I'll just bleed then.

New you're getting it, sweetie.

Attention students...

mbasketball practice has been cancelled
today and will happen tomorrow.

- Hey, Rory.
- I can't tell you anything.

Erica would kill me.
I already said tan much.

Not com.

What's up with Count Dracula?

Sounds like Erica's pulling his strings.

Sc she's the puppet master.

- I'll bet they're after the bland.
- Mm.

The crimson nectar.
Time to call in the big gun.

If you mean Sarah,
she's got enough on her plate today.

It's time you and I gut our hands dirty.

Goad thing I brought hand sanitizer.

You were speaking metaphorically,
weren't you? Gotcha.

- Hey.
- Dude, I told you. Lips sealed.

It's not that. I just have a quick question.

If you can be anyone for one day,
who would it be? Thor or the Hulk?

Thar is a Nurse god...

with a magic hammer that can summon
lightning from the heavens.

The Hulk is a big green doofus
with purple short shorts.

Next time,
at least try to make it challenging.

Say what?

GPS is in place. We can now track
Rory's position at all times.

Well, I never thought I'd say this...

but let's spend the day
following Rory around.

Do you have a plan for the truck'?

Yep.

And it's tight, see.

The spaceship is the bland truck,
I'm the mini marshmallow...

you're the red cinnamon heart,
because you're red hot.

Sc you wait aver here, out of sight...

while I attack the truck and remove
anyone crazy enough to get in my way.

Ahem.

But, you know,
I won't get maashed up like that.

We get in and take off with the bland.

Great, that is fine.

Do you have my laundry?

Hex yeah. Cleaned and pressed.

You're the best.

Thanks.

Oh! Sc soft.

De-de-de-de
Surveillance music

spying on you

Benny, knack it off.

What'? He's just doing her laundry.

It lacks like it. But why was he
showing her that model spaceship?

Oh, gee, I don't know. How many times
has he brought toys over to your place?

- You're right.
- Mm-hm.

Anyways, the clinic's closing.
I think our work here is dune.

You wanna came aver
and play "Reba-Zombie?"

I used a cheat code
to unlock a new brain grenade.

Uh... Uh...

We can still monitor
his GPS signal from there.

Deal. We've earned it. Ha, ha.

You go ahead. I'll catch up, okay?

Hey, Sarah, hold up.

Hey, Ethan.
Sorry I've been a bit moody today.

Oh, no, I totally get it.

You'll be happy to know that Benny and I
held down the fort while you were gone.

- The bland is safe.
- But at what cast?

Maybe we should have
just let Erica have it.

I mean, better bland bags
than body bags, right?

Wow. I guess that follows
a certain vampire logic.

Are you okay?

Yeah, kind of. Nothing a dozen
powdered donuts won't cure.

Are you heading out?

Um...

Na. I have to see a nurse
about a chicken.

Now's your chance. Go.

- You got it, hot stuff.
- Don't call me that.

Goad idea, switching to
alternate code names, sweet cheeks.

Thor's beer.

Hey. I knawl missed last call...

but I've gut a pint of bland
just slashing around inside me.

If you want it, I promise I won't faint.

Came an.

What is taking so long?

Hello? Earth to moron.

What are you doing behind the school,
Rory?

Let's see what
the security camera has to say.

Hey. What gives? That's my bland.

I was, uh, just making sure
it was good enough for your lips, my sweet.

What's going an here?

Back off, sweetie. Or these bland bags
won't be the only things getting drained.

Nat exactly the reaction I was going far.

Before you do it, could you give me,
like, a three count?

Na, no, five. A five count would be great.

- Benny...
- Rory and Erica are gonna...

hit the donor van behind the school.

This wan'thurl a bit.

Relax, I don't bite.

Promise?

You're a nurse, so you know
what these little babies can do to ajugular.

Wait till you see what happens
when those babies are all grown up.

She's one of us?

- Wow, did not expect that.
- No.

You have broken one of our oldest laws,
trying to steal food from your own kind.

The council will make sure
you pay for this.

Like a vampire fine?

Gad, just give the ticket to pasty-face here,
I'm sure he's good for it.

- Nat me.
- Hey! What?

Hey, let us go!

Haw much bland do you take?

Haw much do you have?

Just a pint.

Annie, we're leaving. New.

Maybe next time.

It's a shame tan. You smell...

interesting.

Annie, let's go.

You can help yourself to a cookie
an the way out.

- Ethan?
- Okay, we've gut big trouble.

Those nurses, they're vampires.
I just had a vision.

What is that smell? It's amazing.

Is that your bland?

It smells so good.
Like, really, really good.

Thanks?

Here. Have a cookie. Take two.

Came an.

What, seriously? I ran for nothing.

Benny?

Ethan. You hung up an me.

Later. Right new we have vampire nurses
to deal with.

Vampire nurses?
All right, that's worth running far.

Wait. Where's Rory and Erica?

We figured out they were planning
to rub the bland truck.

Okay, okay.

Rory's on the move, and fast.
He's either flying, or...

Or he's an that truck.
And Erica's probably still with him.

They're in danger.
Vampires are super territorial.

We gotta grab our gear
and go after them, fast.

Haw is this dour so strung?

Lacks like we're trapped alone.
Together. Just the two of us.

Far who knows haw long?

Are you seriously enjoying this?

Well, let's see. You, me,
a tight space filled with prime plasma.

Hex yeah, I'm enjoying this.

Have you ever noticed
how in romantic comedies...

the guy and girl start off fighting,
then things change between them...

and they end up sucking face
by the end credits?

Let's say we just skip to the end, baby.

Somebody get me a wooden stake.

Lack what I found.

These blaadsucking nurses
have aver 30 towns an their route.

They've been running
this scam for years.

But it wouldn't run much longer
if everyone knew they weren't real nurses.

- We can use that info against them.
- You mean like to bore them to death'?

Could work. Anyway, we gotta go now.
Rory and Erica are in trouble.

And I think Sarah's downstairs
eating all of your frozen meat.

I'm so tired of playing it safe.

Why can't we have a little fun
with these two?

You know the rules.
We have to take them to the council.

The council? They don't need to know.

It's not like those two newbs
would put up much of a fight.

Maybe they won't.

But we will.

You.

Yeah, that's right, us.

Yeah, and me tan.

I'm... I'm Benny. We met earlier.

I'm the one who didn't pass out.

Benny, get to Rory and Erica.

Sarah and I will hold them off.

Mostly Sarah.

Let my friends go
or you nurses are gonna need a doctor.

Don't move.

One blast of holy water and it's all aver.

You're not a real vampire yet.

And by the way, you smell like junk food.

When I catch my breath, you are so dead.

What new, fledgling?

Good thing one of us is an expert
with advanced electronics... Ahh! Ahh!

What is that?

Is that your bland?

Yeah. That's all you're gonna get.

Mm. You don't know what you're full of,
do you?

Benny's had some ideas about that.

Your bland is H deficient.
One in a million.

A single pint is worth more
than everything in that truck.

Haw about a trade? One pint of my bland
in exchange for my friends.

And you leave Whitechapel forever.

Why bargain when we can just take it?

- Dane.
- What?

Annie, why must you do everything
the hard way?

If you let me up, I'll get to work.

Yeah, and I'll give you
all my computer passwords tan.

Na, if my Hand's coming out,
Sarah does the jab.

I trust her.

I don't know what it is,
because I barely eat any more...

but I'm even gassier as a vampire.
It was so bad that my mom tried to...

Shut up.
What would it take to shut you up?

I will do anything.

Huh?

Okay. It's okay, you know.

I know it's hard, but you just have to...

Dane.

New take it and get out of here.

Mmm.

You're awalking bland bank, kid.

What's stopping us
from making more withdrawals?

This, for one thing.

One click
and I e-mail the details of your little scam...

to every school
in a thousand-mile radius.

No one's gonna roll out
the blood-red carpet for you again.

Behold the power of technology.

Booms openus.

This isn't what it lacks like.

He wouldn't shut up.

Kissing him actually seemed
less annoying.

Ugh! I am surrounded by vampire newbs.

Let's get out of here.

Se, uh, you two need a ride home?

Na, we're good.

It's nice cut,
and we could use the flight practice.

Ow! What was that for?

You know, something tells me Rory
wasn't trying too hard to open that door.

Booms openus'?

Stupidus daafusis?

Came an, we could make a fortune
selling your bland to vampires.

Na more needles. Nat ever.

I can cast a fear-reversal spell.

Na, thanks. I value my life.

Turn one goldfish inside out
and all of a sudden you're Lord Voldemort.

Hey, Sarah. Na chips today?

Yeah, the whale bland-lust thing
was intense...

but we're all good
new that the bland drive's aver.

You still smell good to me.

Gee, thanks. Sc do you.

I almost feel sad
that Erica went home empty-handed.

Somehow I doubt
she'll go hungry for long.

Came to Mama.

Came an, let me in.