My Babysitter's a Vampire (2011–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Blood Drive - full transcript

He's a huge,
awesome robot.

All he'd have to do is yank
on the warp engine nacelles.

Okay, that's like saying
a dude could fight a boat!

Guys, just...

Can't we do this
in a girl-free zone?

So, how was your date
last night?

Ah! Amazing.
Kurt is so McYummy.

We went out for dinner,
and then we went

to go see Super Dead IV.
It was... perfect.

Do you mean
regular date perfect,

- or vampire date perfect?
- You know I don't bite and tell.



He's a robot in disguise!

He'd just show up
as a harmless truck.

In space?!

- Hey coach.
- What do you do, coach?

Say goodbye, boys.

Time to put this old
relic into storage.

But isn't that, like, the only
trophy this school has ever won?

Yes, but it, uh,

it sends the wrong message,
you know?

Winning isn't everything.
Yeah, sure,

our teams come last
in points, but,

oh, boy, we come first in so
many other important areas.

Yeah, like...
point... avoiding?

That is one
sad trophy case.



- Here, can you hold that for a second?
- Yeah, sure.

Oh!
Nerd alert!

Get a haircut, Bevo.
What'd you do that for?

Wait, you can see me,
mop top?

Yeah. I... I guess.
Who are you?

Uh, well,
I am a winner, kid.

That's probably why
you don't recognize me.

I was the best coach
this school ever had,

right before it was overrun
by nerds, like you nerds.

Who are you calling nerds?

Why don't you transform
and roll out, dumblebee?

Y... you're
a warp ten butthead!

Okay, point taken.
So... what do you want?

First I'd like to thank you for letting
me out of that there trophy. Feels great

to be free after 30 years!
Now I can finally do things like this.

Ah!

Space theme, huh?

I would have guessed Spiderman.

♪ She's the girl next door. ♪

♪ Nice but not in a heart ♪
♪ that's pure. ♪

♪ She's the girl next door. ♪

♪ Just for me. ♪

♪ What you get is ♪
♪ what you see. ♪

♪ No more ♪
♪ "Maybe it's Maybelline" ♪

♪ She can give you everything ♪
♪ you need. ♪

♪ She's the girl next door. ♪

♪ Nice but not in a heart ♪
♪ that's pure. ♪

♪ She's the girl next door. ♪

♪ Just for me. ♪

Ah. Here he is.
Coach Ed.

Says he was the gym teacher
30 years ago.

He's ancient.

Is he here right now?

Well...

Nice sandwich, halter-top.

I'll... take that
as a yes.

Jerk!

Yep.

There must be some way to stop
him or get him to move on.

Fat chance.
I ain't going anywhere.

He jammed you in good!

I may have to dislocate
one of your shoulders

- to get you out. Is that okay?
- No!

Come on, Benny. Aren't there
any spells to get rid of ghosts?

Nice try. My curse is
ten times stronger

than any little weenie magic show.
You may as well just give up now.

What is your deal?

Is this all
about that dumb trophy?

That trophy
is not dumb!

That trophy represents
this school's finest hour!

- This school's only fine hour!
- Okay, fine!

If I get it back in the case,
will you leave me alone?

The only way I'm moving on

is if you bring me
a shiny new trophy.

Ha! Me?

Win a trophy?
For sports?

No way.
Not in a million years.

A million years?
Pssh! I can do that.

Bang.

Some things just
never get old.

Congrats
on keeping your pants on.

Yeah. About that...

I have this ghost gym coach
after me.

He lives to humiliate nerds.

Oh, no.
Nerds being humiliated?

In high school?
Oh, my goodness.

Didn't you hear me?
This is a ghost-an evil spirit.

I heard, but it's a ghost.
I can't punch, kick, or bite it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm busy.

Oh, okay, well,
I just thought-

That girl's way
out of your league.

Now him, on the other hand,
that's more her speed.

I can't believe it.

What would anyone
see in that guy?

Besides that, I mean.

Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner.

Conway Collegiate's three-time
city wrestling champ.

See, now that guy is
a guy's guy.

If I was coaching you,
I'd turn you into him.

Or at least into, uh,
less of you.

Forget it, okay?
I can't help you.

So tell me something.

What exactly is this inner tube,
uh, web, uh, net?

It's a bunch of tubes, right?

It's a global network
of computers and data servers.

It can take you anywhere in the world
to find any information you want.

Mmm. We had something
like that back in my day.

We called it "shoes".

They'd take you places
to speak to people face to face.

But enough of this.
You wanna win me a trophy or not?

Hey, Benny.
Any luck?

Oh, yeah.
Here, take this.

We are gonna get the first ever
ghost-splosion captured on camera.

Where is he?

Uh, he's right there.

Galga deselphador...
zek recantor...

Cut it out, Sugar McVersey.
I'm warning you.

...zoolin maphrak!

So you wanna play hardball,
huh, boy?

No! Just stop!

That is so not cool,
ghost dude!

These are mint in-box!

I'm sorry, man.
I really thought it would work.

Maybe you should just give
this psycho what he wants.

Haircut here makes a lot
of sense.

No. Forget it.
It's not gonna happen.

Uh, bye, ghost guy.

Nothing personal about the whole
gala deselphador thing, right?

Be seeing you.

So, honey,
how was school?

Uh, learning, books,
you know. Lunch...

Here we go.
Oh, oh, my bad.

This chicken's just...
too good to eat.

Just... just relax.

Relax. It's all...
it's all part of puberty.

Don't even think about it!
Let go!

Oh!

Sorry...

Ah! Ugh...

Nice. If only your school had a
face-plant team, you'd be a trophy magnet.

By the way, your nerd box has been
beeping for the last six minutes.

It's an email
from Sarah.

"Are you free Saturday night?
Keep it open."

What's that about?

What do you mean, what's that
about? That's a date, boy!

Makes no sense to me either, but it says
it right there on the inner tube web net.

Date? Really?

Yep, that's a date.
Just you and her.

And me.

You stay
away from Sarah!

And...
quit bugging me!

I've been teased by jocks
since grade one,

so I don't care how many wedgies
or chicken legs you use.

If you're such a famous coach, you should
be able to tell when you're gonna lose.

Lose?
Me?

Never.

I play to win.

One of the winning techniques
I utilize is that of visualization.

Let us visualize your future,
shall we?

It's ten years later, shortcake,
and guess what?

You're still living at home.
How impressive is that?

Let me tell you: not very.
But, hey,

at least you got a job.
Check out your new uniform.

I work
at McFingers?

Hey, who else is gonna hire
you after you got kicked out

of college for filling your prof's
convertible with doggy doo? Of course,

you didn't do that. I did, but, heh,
it really doesn't matter now, does it?

Make sure you clean the grease
trap tomorrow, son.

Get off
my back, old man!

- Dad works at McFingers too?
- Yep.

Ever since he got fired
for insurance fraud.

I accidentally set your house
on fire.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Mom too?

Dinner's here.
I got your favourite.

Sausage fingers.
And for dessert...

...iced cream fingers!

Let's roll out!

You put Benny
in a wheelchair?!

Me? No, no, he's the one
who bought that turbo unicycle.

All I did was cut
the brake line.

You're seeing it now,
ain't ya?

You're gonna ruin your life,

and theirs.

No! I don't believe it.
It's a lie!

Hey. We're...

...off on a romantic wrestling
tour of France.

Could you ask Ethan
to mansion-sit for us again?

Make sure he waters my plants.

Come on, baby.
Let's go.

Sarah...

...marries Kurt?

And his abs.

Okay, you win.
I'll win your stupid trophy!

For wrestling.

I'm gonna beat Kurt "The Hurt"
Lochner. - Whoa, kid.

I'm just trying to put you
on a podium, not in a coffin.

But I like your gusto.

Tonight, you rest.

Tomorrow, we wrestle!

Hey, Mr. G? Could I be
on the wrestling team?

Oh, sure you can.
I mean, if you believe you can.

Here, why don't you go ahead
and fill that out right there.

So, uh, this means I can wrestle
Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner, right?

Oh, I'm afraid so.

Uh, if you could just make sure
to fill out

the emergency contact and the blood
type part of the form there.

- Yeah.
- Blood type...

What...

...do you think
you're doing?

Uh...
I was... just-.

I know.
You were spying on him.

You think I turned him,
don't you?

Trust issues, much?

- Some friend!
- I was just-.

- Meh!
- Erica!

Hey.

Ooh! Very nice.
Thank you.

I kept watching, and
there they were- talking,

laughing, very, very close.
Intimate, even.

In fact, one might even say
they were... knoodling.

I can barely tell
what I'm looking at.

- You're a pretty crummy artist.
- What?

Videos won't work with vampires,
so I did my best.

Ugh!
That's it.

I'm gonna teach that pretty boy
a lesson.

I'll be a wrestling...
machine!

The Wrestle Max Mark Five!

Ugh!

Oh, what, you just gonna
let gravity own you like that?

Keep pushing, boy!

Go away.

Oh! Ah!

In the spirit
of non-competition,

I pledge to be a non-partisan
referee for tonight's match,

so, uh... well,
may every man win, or, uh...

...at least survive.

Representing Conway Collegiate,
we have Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner.

- Yeah! Conway! Woo!
- Okay, all right,

and representing
White Chapel High, we-.

Wait.

From a land of fear
and nightmares

comes a warrior
born to destroy.

He speaks only violence.
He knows only hatred.

His headlock is a crime
against humanity!

Behold...

...the Ethanatorrrrr!!

Okay, guys,
if we can get you to...

...to shake hands here,
that'd be nice.

Do your catchphrase!
Do it!

Prepare to be Ethanized!

You're not gonna like
these apples.

Even his catchphrase is
better!

- Here's my pep talk,
- win that trophy.

Or else!

All right, Kurt,
get ready to-

Woo!

Ah...
This won't end well.

- Let's go, baby! Woo! Woo!
- I hope not.

Say cheese!

There's your friend.

I'll See you
in round two, dork.

Take a seat, dude.

You survived a whole round

without him breaking your spine
in half. Nice!

Sorry, dude, but for a guy in agony,
you make some hilarious faces.

Ethan, are you insane?!
You don't know what you're up against.

- This guy is unstoppable.
- I guess that's why you like him.

What? I don't like him.

Come on. I saw you
watching him, talking,

- laughing, knoodling.
- Mad knoodling.

Noodle what?

Look, I thought
Erica turned him

into a vampire,
so I was watching him.

I even checked his neck
for bit marks-

which was hard
since he's so ticklish-

but I do not like him.

You can't win by points
anymore.

- You're gonna have to pin him to win.
- I have to pin him? Impossible.

How about some magic?

Let's see how well he wrestles
with worms in his ears, huh?

No magic. You got to beat him fair
and square or the deal's off.

No magic.
We can't cheat.

Then think
of something.

Everybody has a weakness, right?
Just find it and exploit it.

Ah!

Maybe you need
a little heart.

Just please stop.
Leave me alone.

Looks like he's practicing new
ways to beg for mercy. Smart!

It's no use.
I can't win.

I've never won a fight.
Ever.

False. Remember that time
in grade two when I took

your Pokemon lunchbox?
You whipped me good. I almost cried.

Grade two...

That gives me an idea.

Thanks, Benny.

Come on! Come on!

Let go of me.
Dude, are you...

...are you hugging me?

I'm wrestling old school.

Oakwood Elementary,
to be exact.

The snuggy bear hug! He's got
it locked on. There's no escape!

Hugging is not cool.
Let go!

Fine. Time to go
for the jugular.

And somebody told me
you were ticklish.

Stop tickling me!
Stop! Stop!

Stop! I really can't
break your hugs.

He who laughs last, loses!

Our new...
champion!

I did it...

I did it! It's curtain for
Kurt "The Hurt" Lochner!

Well done, Ethan.

But remember, it's not
about winning, right?

Woo! Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Way to go, bro!

What?? That's it?! No, no, no.
You got to be kidding.

Oh, yeah.

I won the trophy.
Time to move on, Coach.

A deal's a deal.

Bear hugs? Tickling?
Come on!

You took this for a joke,
spice cake,

so you can forget it.
The deal's off!

I'm gonna be on you
until the end of time.

- He's backing out of our deal.
- What?

He can't. A supernatural pact
is binding in all dimensions!

Tough tortillas!
I ain't goin' anywhere.

And you nerds can't make me.

Oh, crud...

But maybe those nerds can.

What? What is it?

I've crossed a lot
of nerd souls in my day.

And I suppose
those souls had to go somewhere.

Well, behold.

The Locker
of the Damned.

But I just
had that pudding bath!

Hey,
you know what?

I will not be beaten by a geek!

Update...

You got beaten by a geek
AND a girl.

Go get yourself
a new shirt.

Thanks, but...
I could have taken him.

So, uh...
about Saturday night...

Oh, that. I thought
if Kurt was a vampire,

I'd need backup to take him
down, but we're all good now.

Right. Yeah. Good.

Good... I thought
it was something like that.

But... if we're not
catching vampires, maybe...

...we could go catch
a movie?

Yeah, cool. Should have the feeling
back in my fingertips by then.

You gotta admit,
watching Skull Stealers III

beats having to shake and
stake a vamp any day.

Just slightly.

Oh, hey,
hold on a sec.

Hey, Erica.
Thanks for calling back.

I'm really sorry
for not trusting you earlier.

- I feel awful.
- All is forgiven.

Best friends forever,
remember?

Now, I hate to dial and dash, but date
number two is currently in progress.

Lates.

Now, what's that, uh,

surprise you wanted
to show me, huh?