Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Bummer of 42 - full transcript

Well it's Murphy's birthday again.

God! I really hate Murphy's birthday.

I realised that she's 42 and when
she graduated from high school I was

one.

That's no reason to make her life miserable.

Birthdays are peculiar creatures.

The glory of youth fading into distant memory.

Another wrinkle seen in the
mirror that wasn't there yesterday.

Your wife buying you a Barcalounger years before your time.

Some people have a hard time dealing
with the fact that they're another year older.

Hey everybody. It's party time.



And there's Murphy.

Everyone, there'll be bake and singing
in General Merriman at 4 pm sharp.

Wow. What a haul. There's more than last
year. I think we're going for a record here.

Hey guys, I know that you all want to wish
me happy birthday in your own special ways.

But you're just going to have to hold that thought.

Some of my gifts may be perishable.

You haven't even unwrapped me yet.

Good things come in big packages.

I really appreciate the thought Carl.

But something tells me if I untied
that bow, both of us would regret it.

I wouldn't.

Try me at the end of the year, my resistance
is always down at the office Christmas party.

Yes! I knew these French cut
jeans would get to her sooner or later.

This is your last chance Frank.



If you want to chip in on the group gift for
Murphy, I'll be happy to take your money now.

Sorry Miles. Murphy's my best friend. I
always get her something only I would think of.

I'm telling you Frank. You're
gonna regret not going in with us.

I hold in my hands the perfect gift.

That's right Frank. And it was my idea.

It was an ingenious choice, especially for
someone like Murphy who travels all the time.

We got her a portable pants presser.

Jim, Corky. There's been a little change in plan.

I decided not to go with the pants presser.
I was in the store and I saw something else.

Better than a pants presser? That's hard to believe.

We got Murphy

a whole blood pressure check kit.

It's great. A gift from the heart for the heart.

For the love of Mike! You had no right to
go against the wishes of the group, Miles.

We decided on the pants presser.
We wanted the pants presser.

Oh no we did not Jim. You wanted the pants
presser. I wanted to give her the abdominizer.

Hey guys! Look what Pete Rose made for me.

So Frank. What brilliant idea did you come up with?

Not that anyone here would appreciate it.

I even amazed myself with this one.

I've been racking my brain for months trying to think
what do you get someone who's got everything. Right?

Finally it came to me. I got Murphy... are you ready?

A sister.

A sister? You mean like a nun.

No, not like a nun, like a sibling.

Murphy's an only child. Right?

She once said to me she wondered
what it would be like to have a sister.

So I went to New York. Hired an actress to come
here and be Murphy's sister from noon till midnight.

Oh this is the stupidest gift I've ever heard of, Frank.

You don't know how to buy for women.

I was going to say something when you
bought me that waffle bowl set for my birthday.

But now you've gone too far.

Come on. Murphy's gonna love it.

This actress has been researching every detail
of Murphy's childhood. Her family, everything.

The key is getting Murphy to loosen up and get into it.

Now if you guys want this to be the best
birthday Murphy's ever had, you'll play along.

I can't believe it. The Bush stiffed me again this year.

Hey Murph! Happy 42!
- Hey Frank. Haven't seen you in days.

Out shopping for my gift maybe?

Oh maybe.

Hey Murphy. What have we here?

It looks like some sort of a birthday
gift. No no no. You can't shake it.

Just put it with the other Miles.
So, just give me one hint Frank.

Is it animal, vegetable or four-wheel
drive with Italian leather interior?

All I'm going to say is: it's something you've
never had but have always wondered about.

And you will find out what it is at noon sharp at Phil's.

We'll bring this to Phil's too. Won't we guys?

Feel. Too heavy to be a toaster.

Okay Frank. It's 12 o'clock, we're at Phil's. Where is it?

I don't know Murph. Maybe this year's
surprise is that there's no surprise at all.

I hate that.

Okay. I think we kept her in suspense long enough.

Here it is Murphy. From Jim,
Corky and me. Go ahead, open it.

Well, I guess I will. Since Frank is
keeping me waiting for his mystery gift.

I'll just open this wonderful present that three people
with very large salaries have chipped in to buy me.

This is going to be great. I can tell.

Don't forget Murphy. Any gift you
get, could probably be exchanged.

In fact. I'd even return it for you,
so you don't have to stand in line.

The pulsomatic II.

Guys this is the best. A fake box. Extremely clever.

What the hell is this?

It's a blood pressure unit. From people who
love you and wish you a long and happy life.

Happy birthday Murphy. See? She loves it.

I can see what you're thinking. You can't wait
to try it out. Well, not until I read the instructions.

You don't want anybody to get hurt. It's not a toy.

Ok Murph. Fasten your seatbelt. Time for your gift from me.

- all right it's Showtime
- that's right.

And what would a birthday be
without a family to help you celebrate.

So, all the way from your hometown of Philadelphia.

It's your sister Maddie Brown.

Stinky!!!

Oh boy. Someone I don't know just
hugged me. What's going on Frank?

Wow. You really are surprised. Are you?

But hey. I wasn't gonna miss this. It'll be two
years at Christmas since we've seen each other.

That's a crime you know that. But it doesn't
matter. I mean not... God you look gorgeous.

Give me a hug!

Ah something I've never had and have always wondered about.

Hi I'm Maddie Brown, Murphy's sister.
Hello Murphy's sister. Nice to meet you.

Maddie Brown from Philadelphia. Murphy's sister.

You want to say something to Murphy's
sister. Don't you? Jim. Miles. Corky.

Uh yes, of course we do. Hi Maddie, I'm Corky.

It was so thoughtful of you to surprise Murphy like this.

That's all I have to say.

Uh. I see the family resemblance.
You have the same eyebrows.

Hey, Stinky you know what I was just thinking of?

Your 10th birthday. Remember?

Dad surprised you with that tree house in the backyard.

Very clever Frank.

Except there was this one kid you
would never let in the tree house.

Mary Beekman. The little brat. She hit
Murphy in the face with a 7-Up bottle. 17 stitches.

You are really good. She's really good Frank.

But I bet you don't know what happened in
the tree house on the afternoon of July 4th 1959.

That was the day we all came up with our secret handshake.

You forgot. It's one long, two short, and one long.

I know. I was trying to trick you. Wow!

Hey there. I know who this must be. Murphy's sister.

It must be real nice to have your sister
here to share your birthday with her.

Oh you bet Phil. You know how I love family.

Murphy's always going on about how she misses you.

Sometimes when she starts
talking about the old days growing up.

The whole bar gets quiet.

We turn off the TV.

Everybody gathers their chairs in circle.

We can listen for hours as Murphy
touches us all with poignant stories.

Her little sister Maddie.

How am I doing?

I got goosebumps. You can go now Phil.

Good. Because I'm running
out of material to feel like an idiot.

Happy birthday Murphy. There's a
complimentary salad with your lunch.

Well this has been great. But
I guess it's time to get going.

Oh already? Well listen. Thanks for
everything. You were really impressive.

And if you're gonna be in any movies or
TV shows, drop me a line. I'll look for you.

Oh don't worry Murph. Maddie's not
going anywhere. She's here till midnight.

Come on guys. I'm sure the two
sisters have a lot of catching up to do.

Wait a minute. You're here until midnight?

Where are you going Frank?

Oh. The fun you two are going to have.

Something tells me boys are going to be discussed.

But this is a party for all of us. There's
complimentary salad. Don't go guys.

200 over 102. What does it mean?

It means there's justice in this world after all.

That Frank.

Is he cute or what? You know if I wasn't married.

Speaking of which. You are not
gonna believe your brother-in-law.

He lost 20 pounds and got hair plugs in the front,
you know where he's receding. I'll show you a picture.

Uh look. I know Frank paid you until
midnight. But you don't have to do this.

You can just go. We don't have to tell him.

Oh God. You're firing me.

It's nothing personal.

It's just that the novelties wore off
and I have a really short attention span.

Where did I lose you? It was the hair plugs
right? I went too far. I knew it as soon as I said it.

Look. I really gotta go.

No no Murphy. Please. Please give me another chance.

I can be whoever you want me to be.
I don't have to be your younger sister.

I can be your illegitimate sister.

Or I can do it with an accent.

Like mom and dad sent me away to boarding school
in England and I had this really affected speech now.

Oh Murphy. What do you say we
take the pelvis out and go for a little ride.

As I said. Good luck with everything
and thanks again for all the trouble.

Oh wait. I know what it is. You need an older
sister. You need to feel protected and cared for.

There you go again, running out half
dressed when there's a flu going around.

Remember the time you had measles
and I stayed home and took care of you?

God knows where mother was. It was always
up to me. I still have a lot of resentment for...

And I'll never understand why you were in such a hurry.

I'll never forget your sweet 16 party
when you waded in mother's liquor cabinet.

I still think that's when your problem started.

Frank!

Has anyone here seen Frank?

Oh so this is where you work.
Hi everybody! I'm Murphy's sister.

Hi!!

I didn't know Murphy had a sister. Hi. I'm Carl Wishnitski.

Hi Carl. I'm Maddie Brown. So. What is it you do here?

I'm camera two.

Gee Murphy, I would have thought
you'd told her all about me by now.

She and I aren't very close Carl.

Frank. May I see you in my office please alone.

Okay Frank. That's it.

It was very clever. We all had a good laugh, but I
don't want that woman following me around until midnight.

Tell me she isn't gonna be doing it, Frank.

Murph I thought this sister would be
the greatest gift I could ever give you.

You were so passionate about it that night.

What night? What are you talking about?

A few years ago at Phil's.

You and I were closing up the place. Then
we started talking about family and my sisters.

Then you started sobbing uncontrollably about
not having any sisters. You don't remember?

I was drinking then Frank. I
said a lot of things I didn't mean.

I probably said I wanted to sleep with Larry
Storch too, but you didn't get me him for my birthday.

Just listen to yourself Murph.

Can't you just for one day forget you're a
reporter who broke this all day long in reality.

And just let yourself experience
something you've never known.

Cut yourself loose. What do you say?

I'm gonna get you for this Frank.

What a sad sad statement. Well. I am not calling her off.

You know the rule. Fontana gifts are unreturnable.

They are unreturnable because you can't shop in
a regular store like a normal human being.

You're a sick person Frank.

If you're looking for your sister
she went to the ladies room.

All right everybody listen up.

I'm gonna be in editing for the rest of
the day. When my sister comes back

don't tell her where I am and don't let her in my office.

I don't want to see her again for
the rest of my lifetime. You got that?

Dear God. Why won't that woman let someone love her.

Don't even say it.

Don't make me tell you how many birthday invitations I
turn down because Frank asked me to keep the day open.

Frank is no longer my friend.

It's his fault I'm eating fortune cookies
alone instead of birthday cake with Al Pacino

Whatever happened to Honey I'm Home?

Hey you know?

I wish that you would call when you're gonna be
late. I didn't know what time to put the Cacciatore in.

Chicken cacciatore?

Oh Eldin is that what smells so good?

That's so nice of you.

Maybe this day can be saved after all.

This is unbelievable.

Isn't she great.

You know I did not know how much you hated that
Happy Birthday to You song until your sister told me.

Eldin this woman is not my sister.

You said she'd say that.

Why you Brown girls play some weird games.

Murphy, I have been cooking up a storm all afternoon.

I cannot believe you had
nothing, nothing in the house to eat.

I had to shop for everything, but
that's okay. That's what sisters are for.

What do you mean she's not your sister. I mean
she's... she's obviously got your mother's arms they're so

delicate. Not nearly as

furry as yours.

I may love her.

Oh god. I'm in a Stephen King movie.

Who is it? Oh hi Mother.

Yeah I got the birthday card you sent.

Thanks a lot.

You want to speak to who?

Mother. You don't have another daughter.

And I'm really getting sick of this.

No. I will not put her on the phone.

She wants to talk to you.

Hello Mother.

Yes Murphy was very surprised to see me.

No. I don't think she's gained any weight.

Why? Did she look heavy to you when you were here?

This is not funny mother! You have
way too much time on your hands.

I... I better go now mother.

All right, I'll tell her. Goodbye.

Oh God. She wants us to come home for Christmas.

Believe me. I hate the idea as much as you do.

She insists on making that disgusting cranberry mold and
then we'll sit around the table while she trashes daddy.

Maybe we should just take a stand and
not do Christmas at her house this year.

Oh who am I kidding? I don't have the guts.

Will you just get a look at this? You know it is
so nice to know someone in your family can cook.

Unlike you, she walked right into the
kitchen and recognised it immediately.

Is that fresh Rosemary on the chicken?

Uh-huh. I made the sauce from scratch.

Okay okay. We'll just eat and that's all.

And then after we eat that's the
end. It's finished. You're leaving.

Boy. You really must have cried the day Mom
and Dad brought "THAT" home from the hospital.

Come on. Speed it up. Gandhi
didn't eat as slow as you two.

Murphy was always a very fast eater.

Daddy used to say: you should
never touch Murphy while she's eating.

My father never said that.

You know. This dinner was excellent.

And you are very charming.

You know? I was recently hurt by a woman.

Okay. I'm done. Dinner's over.
That's it. You know what that means?

Right. I'll go get dessert.

Dessert? No dessert. There was no dessert in this deal.

Look. I can't tell how I'm doing here.

Do you think I was being too obvious when I said I
could furnish her with a complete medical history?

Would you go find out? I'll wait right here.

It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your airplane is?

Dessert is part of the dinner Murphy.
And I won't hear any arguments about it.

We're going to make brownies just
like we did the day ... with The Beatles.

Look. I tried to be nice. Now
I'm gonna bring out the artillery.

If you aren't out of here in three minutes,
I will personally physically throw you out.

Okay.

You win. I'll go.

It's obvious.

I can't make this work for you.

Thank you.

Look all of this food is yours.
Why don't you take it with you?

Boy.

It's just staring me in the face. Isn't it?

Actress.

Who am I kidding?

Oh no. Don't start that on me. Just wrap.

Deep down inside I guess I've always known my limitations.

I haven't had a lot of success as an actress.

You know that TV commercial where the

singing peanuts go marching into that
peanut butter jar and there's that one peanut

who refuses to jump in, because she
doesn't think she's up to their high standards.

That peanut was you?

No. That's how I feel about my career.

I guess what makes it all sink in is

seeing where you are in life.

Famous, successful, respected.

Yeah oh well.

It's not all It's cracked up to be.

Ever since I was a little kid I
dreamed of being a great actress.

I used to dress up like Catherine Hepburn and
I used to dress my dog up like Spencer Tracy.

And we'd act out Adam's Rib.

What?

I used to pretend the kitchen strainer was a microphone.
And I get the kid next door to be Richard Nixon.

Then I'd nail him after the Checker's speech.

I know.

All right.

The difference is you made it, I didn't.

Yeah, but it didn't come easy.

After I got out of college, I thought I was going to
be the greatest broadcast journalist of my generation.

I had this audition tape and I begged
a friend to get it to Howard K Smith.

To me, he was the best what broadcast journalism
was all about. I wanted to be Howard K Smith in a dress.

So I waited, and waited for a
response. A month. Six weeks. Nothing.

Finally I called my friend.

And he told me that Howard K had in fact seen my tape.

His only comment was

her work stinks, but she's got a nice tush.

I felt like someone had hit me in the face with a brick.

My idol was telling me I couldn't cut it as a journalist.

The only other thing I knew
how to do was lip sync to records

and back then it wasn't a real profession like it is now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

no matter what it is you want
to do, you've got to go after it.

No matter what other people say about you.

It's always gonna be hard.

No matter if you're 21 or 42.

Oh God. I'm 42.

Oh that's okay. You look really good.

You know I never told anybody that story.

Really?

Yeah.

I guess it's really the kind of thing you only tell

a sister.

Yeah.

A sister.

You know? I had this other experience
when I was a correspondent in London.

I've never been to London. I always
said I'd get there. What happened?

Well. I rented this little flat a
couple of blocks from Oxford Street.

One day, I was coming...