Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 3, Episode 6 - Bob & Murphy & Ted & Avery - full transcript

And it was just so great the way we
stole the first interview with the hijackers

right out from under Nightline's noses.

I'm telling you, special editions
of FYI are my favorite thing.

I just love being on the air all night,
really love it. Don't you love it Miles?

Where's the aspirin?

And Frank was so great. Wasn't he?

The way he got that deep background
on the Iraqi terrorists in just a few hours.

I'll bet you have sources Dan
Rather could only dream about.

Just dream about. Only dream about.

I'll give you five dollars if you stop talking.

I can't.



Live coverage of a late
breaking story it's just so exciting.

Really exciting. Extremely exciting. Isn't that right Jim?

Murphy. We've just been on the air for 24
hours living on nothing but coffee and adrenaline.

And right now, the sound of your voice is grating
on my nerves like fingernails on a blackboard.

So, why don't you put your peppy little
butt in a chair, settle down and be quiet!

All right, all right. I know everyone's nerves
are on edge, but no matter how tired we are.

I think we should take a moment
to pat ourselves on the back

and enjoy the good feeling of a job well done.

There's no coffee!

Somebody drink all the coffee! I want them fired!

Fire them Miles! There's no coffee!

Corky.

Corky. It's okay.

Come on and sit down.



We'll get you some more coffee.

When? When will we get some?

Look. I know we're all tired.

But before we can wrap it up this morning.

We need to have a meeting. Everybody take a seats.

Great. I'm right here with you Miles. In my
chair ready to go. Anything you need I can do it.

Will somebody shoot her?

Okay.

I think we need to find a way to include
yesterday's events into next week's broadcast.

Maybe we should shell the piece
on the head of the Federal Reserve

and plug in a profile of the hijack pilot.

Sounds like something Murphy
could do. What do you think Murphy?

Ok. That's a wrap. We'll pick this up at lunch.

I was forced to disarm a rude security guard in the lobby.

Somebody return this to the proper authorities.

Mrs. Brown! Hello. Hi!

How lovely to see you!

Murphy didn't mention that her mother was coming to town.

Now, that sounds like the kind of
thing she'd be sure to tell us about.

I like to surprise Murphy and I'm
one of the few people who can do it.

Uh. Do you have other clothes?

You seem to wear the same thing over and over.

Nice hat.

So. I bet you want to see your
daughter. Well, she is right over here.

Boy. I can't wait to see the look on
her face when she finds out who's here.

Oh look at her.

She looks like an angel when she's sleeping.

Not that I've never been with her when she's sleeping.

We don't have that kind of relationship.

It's not because I don't find
her attractive or I'm not attractive.

It's really kind of a mutual fear of intimacy
that they say goes way back to childhood.

Mr. Fontana. You're boring me.

Nice hat.

Murphy.

Murphy. Wake up.

Surprise!

You've got to stop doing this.

Other mothers call ahead. I
know they do. I've been told this.

Murphy, people are watching. I
think you should give me a hug.

Oh mother. You know this never goes well.

I know we'll get the hug one day. I know we will.

But now I need to discuss something with you.

But we need our privacy.

May I have everyone's attention please?

My daughter and I need to talk.
Everyone must leave for 10 minutes.

I have a better idea. Why don't we go in my office.

I don't think that's funny.

Have a seat mother.

All right.

So.

So. What did you want to talk to me about?

Well in a nutshell. I've lost my will to live.

What?

When I get up in the morning, I no
longer have anything to look forward to.

No new mountains to climb.

So, I've made a decision.

I'm going to change the scenery of my existence.

I think that's a great idea.

I'm going to move in with you.

Hold the flag on the play. You
mean live with me in my house?

Isn't this a little hasty?

And forgive me for asking mother but

does this have anything to do with
the fact that Dad recently remarried.

Did he?

Mother.

I think maybe it's time to start dating again.

You know. Seriously.

Now. Why would I want to do that?

Oh I don't know. It just might be a
more fun way to spend Saturday night

than sitting in that big house in Philadelphia
watching Fatal Attraction over and over.

Look.

Daddy's obviously moved on with his life.

I think you should be able to move on with yours.

Well.

I'll think about it.

You're never going to believe what's happened.

I'm into self-destruct. Right in
this chair. You will never believe it.

Never in a million years.

I'll bite. What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on?

Oh. Nothing much.

My mother just announced she's moving in with me.

Not for a few days. Not for a few weeks.

Forever. Other than that, my life is just swell.

Your mother wants to live with you?

Why would anybody want to do a thing like that?

Oh Good Miles. Wake up to a bear and poke it with a stick.

Now Murphy. It sounds to me
like your mother's just a little lonely.

She's been divorced for how long? 15 years?

That's my theory. She needs to start dating again.

Of course we're talking about the pickiest woman I know.

Oh. Who am I kidding? She's
never gonna start a relationship now.

All right. I found one.

Mother. I thought you were at the house.

Found one what?

A man.

What are you talking about? You
left the office less than two hours ago.

Well. What you said made perfect sense
and there was no point in wasting time.

So. I took a taxi to the National Gallery.

And I stood at the foot of the escalator and
watched all of the men that rode up or down.

And then I picked one.

Oh God! My mother's gone crazy.

I followed my selection up to the third floor.

I noticed he was quite attractive with a nice head of hair.

And he wore no wedding band on a strong statutory fingers.

Although he wasn't perfect.

He wore those pants with no
belt loops. But I could work on that.

Anyway. I engaged him in conversation
and invited him to dinner and he accepted.

Mother, you can't do this. You can't
stalk innocent people in a museum.

Besides, you have no idea who this man
is. He could be a bigamist or an Ax Murderer.

He's a lovely man.

And recently he sold a small appliance
company for quite a lot of money.

And Murphy, best of all, he has a son.

A son! Did you hear that Murphy? Has a son.

Mother. I have an awful feeling I know
where this is going and the answer is NO.

Oh Murphy. Don't be so stodgy.

Take a little of your own advice.

Everyone needs companionship
and this could turn out to be Mr. Right.

Tell her everybody.

Tell her!

Murphy, it's 7 o’clock, why aren't you dressed?

Because I don't want to go mother. Dating is painful.

Men see me on TV every week being tough and
competitive, and they assume that's all there is to me.

They wind up being intimidated
and I never hear from them again.

Besides, we don't even know these guys names. Do we?

Of course we know them, my date's name is
Theodore Wilkes and his son's name is Bob.

Bob. Oh, exciting name Bob. Spelled backwards is Bob.

Mother. I want you to promise me something.

That when these guys get here, you'll tell them I'm
not feeling well and that I'll be excusing myself early.

They're here.

Promise me mother. Promise me or
I'm going right out the bathroom window.

All right. How could I raise such a prude.

Open the door.

Oh Theodore. Hello again.

And hello to you Avery. Boy! You look just great.

Oh. Thank you very much Theodore. So do you.
Oh, I see you're wearing a belt. I like that in a man.

Oh hi. I'm Theodore Wilkes. You must be Avery's daughter.

Right. Nice to meet you.

So, I guess old Bob couldn't make it huh?

Oh no, he's here. He's parking the car.

Has anybody ever told you that
you have Murphy Brown's face?

This is Murphy Brown's face. I'm Murphy Brown.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

This is more exciting than the time
I saw Kay Boulware at the car wash.

I can... I can see where you get your good looks.

You're going to make me blush Theodore.

I almost forgot. I, I brought you a little something.

- For me?
- It's a travel blender.

One of my biggest sellers.

It's got a frappe speed.

None of my competitors have a frappe speed.

Oh, lovely and yet practical.

And I do love a good frappe.

Hi. I had to park around the block. Some jerk
with a white Porsche took up two parking spaces.

Is that Bob? Is this Bob? Are you Bob?

That's me. Bob.

Well, hello Bob. I'm Murphy.

The jerk with the white Porsche.

If I go out and try this entrance again.

Oh. There's no need to do that. Really.
There's just no need. Uh. Do you know my mom?

Bob. Mom. And you know your dad, well yeah. I guess you do.

Shall we go into the living room and get acquainted?

Bob. Why don't you tell Murphy what you do for a living.

I'm sure whatever it is, she'll find it fascinating.

Well. I'm not sure how fascinating it is sitting
in an office with a view of Millie's dog house.

I'm one of the White House speech writers.

No kidding!

Wow. You didn't by any chance have anything to do
with Barbara Bush's speech to the Wellesley graduates?

Did you?

Well, sort of. I wrote it.

Wow! I'm impressed. That was one of
the most brilliant speeches I've ever heard.

Well. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

You know what Bob? A funny thing happened earlier.

Your father said to me. He said: you have
Murphy Brown's face. How about that? Huh!

Good doing Dad.

I am Murphy Brown. You know?

I know.

Oh, listen. I'm sorry I didn't
make a big deal about it. Yeah.

Once you've seen the president
making French toast in his underwear

you get a little blasé about celebrity.

- I hope I didn't insult you
- oh you didn't.

Good. Because I lied.

My Palms feel like wet sponges

and if I'd ever seen you make French toast
in your underwear I know I'd never forget it.

I, I know I should mention that Murphy isn't feeling
well and she may have to make her early apologies.

Oh actually mother. I'm feeling great.

Remember how just before Bob got here I
said I was feeling better? Remember that?

No.

I'm starting to forget things too.

So. What are we going to do tonight? Oh, this
isn't what I'm wearing. I just didn't want it wrinkled.

Don't you think it would be fun to do something
new and exciting? I don't know exactly what.

We could all get in the car and drive around

and I think we'll recognize it when we see it.

What do you say?

Let me get this straight mother.

You just want to cruise around in the
dark until you find some action somewhere?

That's right.

Are you sure this is the way you want to spend the evening?

I feel a little overdressed.

I knew I'd like this place the minute I
set my eyes on it. It smells dangerous.

I just want to mention once more we passed a
really cute little ice cream parlor a few blocks down.

They had antique ceiling fans.
Could be a lot of fun. What do you say?

I want to stay dear.

Good for you Avery. Come on dad!
Let's get some drinks and some pretzels.

If anybody gets you any trouble, you just
tell them you're with that big guy over there.

...

You're absolutely right. Sometimes you just
have to shut your eyes and jump in with both feet.

If I could give you a little advice
Murphy, on how to act like a lady?

Men don't like women that are too brash

no more than they do open their own car doors.

Beers, soda and plenty of pretzels.

We picked out our pool pools. One for each of us.

Avery, these are called cues.

And you see this little piece of chalk here?

Take this and you rub it on top of the cue like so.

Now we do that so the cue doesn't slip on the contact.

Theodore, you know so much about this.

Okay.

What do you say we play teams two against two.

Great idea. Although I just feel I should tell
you up front I'm not exactly a novice at this game.

I've spent a lot of time on the road with crew.

But it wouldn't be fair for you and me to be on the
same team. My four years at Yale I was unbeaten.

Well. What do you say we play boys against girls.

Fine with me.

Okay with me.

I'm for that.

Well ladies.

What's your pleasure?

What about a little game of eight ball?

Eight ball! It was for amateurs.

Now, nine ball, that's a game of skill. You
need the hands of a surgeon for nine ball.

Unless you really like play eight ball I would be fine.

Nope. Nine ball's fine.

Let's make it even more interesting.

We have to call our shots.

What do you say we let the ladies have the first break.

It's all yours.

Okay mother. Watch me very carefully.

Nice break. You really have done this before.

Step aside gentleman.

Deuce in the corner.

Yes!

Who is she?

Good

Touch.

What I like about you Murphy

you don't feel you have to let
the man win just to boost his ego.

Three in the side pot.

I mean, it's great the men and women have gotten to the
point where they don't have to be threatened by each other

Ha! You missed.

I guess it's my turn.

Three in the corner.

That's My Boy!

Very nicely done.

Four in the side.

Ohhh.

That's not fair. Somebody coughed.

And this table's not leveled. Look! It should have gone in.

Shut up and give us some room. It's my mother's shot.

Are we winning?

Yes mother.

Now you just try to get that purple ball into that
pocket over there. You don't have to hit it hard.

Here Avery. Let me show you.

Now you just uh.

Just let it slide right through your fingers. See?

Ohh. Pool.

But she was very close. Wasn't she Bob?

Very close.

They're patronizing us mother. It's a cover.
You know why? Because they're scared.

Well ladies. Looks like you're about to lose
your fifth game. Or is it sixth? I've lost track.

Uh! What are these?

...

Can I get you something to read while you wait your turn?

Maybe War and Peace.

I hate this mother. The Brown women are
being humiliated. You're handling it so well.

I don't know how you do it. I
wish I could follow your lead.

So. After all it is just a game.

Ouch.

Well, all good things must end.

But not for long.

Your turn Avery.

Don't worry honey. Nobody expects too much from you.

Remember this is a men's game, it's in our genes.

What an interesting theory.

You two gentlemen will want to find chairs and sit in them.

I may be here for a while.

Eight in the corner pot.

Lucky shot.

Luck my ass.

Nine in the side.

Mother, what are you doing? How are you doing it?

You remember your father's pool table?

Well. If it's 1952 and your husband
doesn't want you to have a career.

And you're at home with a child.
You find something to amuse you.

This was mine.

Are you sure you don't want to come in for some coffee?

Oh that's right. Run away. Loser. Loser!

Well, that was fun.

I think he liked me.

I wonder if he'll call.

Oh God. What a wonderful evening. I'll be
sure to put this in my Memoirs under the chapter:

Great Men who've run screaming out of my life.

Oh god mother what is it with us?

Why can't we take the easy route once in a while?

Because it's boring and dishonest and uncomfortable.
Like wearing a pair of shoes all day that pinch your feet.

I know. But sometimes I wish I
were a different kind of person.

Mother.

Did you ever think you might be alone forever?

Oh yes.

Many times.

Your father and I...

one of our favorite things to do on a
Sunday afternoon was to make a big fire.

And just sit by it and read.

I haven't done that for a long time.

Some nights I've started to make a fire and then...

but there's only me now.

What's the point?

It's foolish, I know.

Well. He's be married now.

Well.

At least you can say that for however
long it lasted, you've been in love.

I mean, really in love once in your life.

I don't think that happens to everybody.

Murphy.

I never read you fairy tales as a child.

The knight in shining armour doesn't
always ride up on his white horse to rescue us.

We have to make our own way.

Well.

This is what quite a day. Hasn't?

And now I think we should try to get some sleep.

I have to catch a plane tomorrow.

Mother! you're going tomorrow? But why?

I suddenly feel much better about everything.

It seems that I can still shake things up at my age.

And frankly

I'm not sure that we're compatible as roommates.

You don't seem able to keep up with me.

Oh mother. You don't have to go home tomorrow.

Stay a few days more. We could
talk. We could go back to the pool hall.

My daughter.

You have your own life.

And it's a very good one.

Now let's get our beauty sleep.

Although...

it is a nice night for a fire.

You're on.