Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 3, Episode 11 - Jingle Hell, Jingle Hell, Jingle All the Way - full transcript

You're a senior Producer Miles.

You've been shot at Afghanistan.

You smuggled a tape out of Beirut.

So when I send you out to buy a wreath

why do you come back with something like this.

Ohhhh! It's Christmas!

Oh, my little elves are doing such a good job.

Except there should be more reindeer in that corner land.

Bobby, I need to see more snowflakes.

And Fran honey, you're holding back on the icicles.

I still see a little bit of the tree.



Don't throw it, place it.

That's better.

Don't you just love the smell of pine.

Everyone. I want you to stop what
you're doing and take a deep breath.

Doesn't that just put you right into the holiday spirit.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ On a one horse open sleigh ♪

Come on everybody!

♪ O’er the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

Murphy's back.

♪ Bells on bob tail ring ♪

♪ making spirits bright ♪

I can't hear you Murphy!



♪ What fun it is to laugh and
sing a sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Ooooh... ♪

Knock it off!

Can you hear me now?

Okay that's it.

You know, you people could
put a little more effort in this.

Do you want to have yourselves
a Merry Little Christmas or not.

Give it a rest okay Corky.

I just spent three days in Beijing
listening to Deng Xiaoping

tell me he's not too old to run China.

To prove it, we did the entire
interview on a Bicycle built for two.

He made me sit up front and
then the weasel didn't pedal once.

Murphy. Welcome back my little Jasmine Bud.

Did you bring me lots of exciting
news from the mysterious East.

Oh you bet Miles.

I got a shot of me and Deng taking a
header over the handlebars of a Schwinn.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return
a few phone calls and then go home to bed.

Good idea you deserve it. And right
after our story meeting, you can do just that.

Oh come on Miles! I'm exhausted.

Murphy, get back here.

Story meeting Murphy.

I believe I'm talking to you Miss.

Corky, enough with the Christmas
decoration. Story meeting, let's go.

Almost done.

Jim. See? Jim's here. Always on time, focused. Ready to go.

Miles, if someone were sending you a gift basket.

Would you like tropical fruits including guavas
and Kiwis? Or would you prefer cheeses of the world?

Jim, please we got a lot to do.
Would you put the catalog away!

Okay. We've got Frank. Four out of
five. Sit down Frank, we're running late.

Frank. Which excites you most?

Exotic fruits or tasty cheeses
delivered fresh to your door each month?

Oh man not this again.

Fruits... cheeses.

Jim, let me clue you in.

I don't know anybody who looks at their calendar and says

it's March! Oh boy, cheddar month.

Okay Murphy's back. Here we go, here we go.

Thanks guys.

Hey Miles, let's get this meeting over
with. So I can go home and get some sleep.

That's what I'm trying to do.

But some people would rather play
Santa's workshop than put a show on the air.

Well, bah humbug to you too Miles!

You know what your problem is?

You just don't understand the spirit of giving.

Oh really?

It's the first night of Hanukkah

with seven more nights after that.

I had to get gifts for 14 relatives.

You think I don't know about the spirit of giving?

Call at MasterCard. They'll tell you.

I hate this whole season.

I go into a store.

I wander around for hours agonizing over
what to buy people. Before I know it,

it's Christmas Eve and I'm in the drugstore
on the corner buying whatever's left

And believe me.

If you're giving someone a hemorrhoid pillow for Christmas.

You'd better write a really funny card, or
chances are she's not going out with you again.

You know guys.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think this
whole gift giving thing has gotten completely out of hand.

I just came back from a country where people have so little

and we have so much.

Maybe this Christmas we could do something more useful.

I mean. Do any of us really need another cheese basket?

Fine. You're getting the Exotic fruits.

All I'm saying is, maybe we should
forget about giving each other gifts.

We could take the money and give it to charity instead.

You know what? This is a great idea. We do a good deed
and cut down on anxiety and inefficiency at the office too.

It does seem closer to the true meaning of Christmas.

But the only way this is going to work is if we make a pact.

Okay everybody, assume pact positions.

We all agree to give the money we
would have spent on gifts to charity.

Nobody buys anything for anyone. No exceptions.

What do you say?

I think it's great.

Count Me In.

Good going Murph.

What a relief.

All right.

Now Lynne, remember. It's our little secret. Right?

You really shouldn't have Murphy. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Oh Marv. Could I see you in my office please?

Now Marv, I know we weren't supposed to do this.

But it's Christmas Eve and we've
worked together for a long time.

So I just wanted to get you a little something.
I wouldn't even call it a gift. It's what...

it's a gesture, that's all. So just
take it and put it under your tree.

Hey Murph. You're never gonna guess who I ran into it.

Oh, hi Frank.

Hi. What are you guys doing?

Uh, nothing.

Uh, Marv just wanted my opinion on
this charming gift he bought his wife.

I think it's great Marv. She's gonna love it.

Oh really? What is it Marv?

Uh...

it's a hat.

Well, it's a beret actually.

Folded up.

It'll look cute as the Dickens on her Marv. Bye...

gee! Congratulations Marv. I
didn't know you've gotten married.

Merry Christmas from Murphy.

Well, isn't this nice.

You snake! You cheater!

I thought we had a deal.

No gifts for anybody.

You were the one who said it.

I know, I know. And I wasn't going to buy anything. Honest.

I made out my check to charity and then I started thinking.

I've worked with these people for years.
How can I not get them a little something?

Them? How many them are we talking about?

Not many.

Lynne.

Marv.

Shirley.

Maybe 30.

30! How could you do this?

I work with these people too.

I care about them. But you think they're gonna believe that?

I can just hear them now.

Isn't Murphy wonderful? We love Murphy.

Isn't Frank cheap? We hate Frank.

Thanks a lot. It's Christmas Eve
and now I gotta go buy 30 presents.

I have got a good mind

not even to give you this.

What's that?

What do you think it is? It's a present.

What do you mean?

We agreed we weren't going to give each other gifts.

You know. You've got the worst poker face I have ever seen.

What you want me to believe you
bought presents for the entire bullpen

but didn't buy one for your best friend?

Come on. We've been exchanging presents for 13 years.

Oh boy, Frank.

You can read me like a book.

Okay. I did get you something.

But it's not here now.

I've been tracing that darn package day and night.

And the post office tells me it's
now as close as West Virginia.

So it should be here very soon.

Well. It's not like I have time to open it anyway.
I've got to go buy 30 presents on Christmas Eve.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Oh great. They're gorgeous.

Murphy. Just the person I was looking for.

I just screened your piece on Jim Baker.

I have some comments. A few
suggestions. Do you have a minute?

Uh well, actually no. I'm in a pretty big hurry.

Oh, okay. I guess it can wait.

Is uh everything all right?

Uh why why do you ask?

You just seem to be a little bit jumpy.

I guess it's the holiday. It tends to do that for people.

Although our little pact certainly has made things easier.

No running through stores.

No last minute shopping.

Uh. I've really got to go Jim.

Although as long as we're on the subject.
Uh I didn't want to mention this before. But, well

I saw Frank the other day at
Lord and Taylor at the jewelry cart.

He was spending quite a bit of money on some earrings.

Now. We all know Vicky on accounting
told him to go to hell last week.

I hate to... I hate to suggest this, but I was just
wondering maybe if he was buying something for you.

That... that couldn't be possible though.

Gee. What were you doing in Lord and Taylor.

Shopping for Doris.

Shopping for Doris.

Shopping for Doris.

You don't think that I...

we made a pact Murphy.

I know.

A pact.

Pacts are very important.

Pacts should never ever be broken.

Except in special circumstances.

And even then it would be bad.

You sound a little bit defensive.

Why would you say I sound defensive?

Why would you ask?

I've gotta go now.

- Bye Jim
- Bye Murphy. I'll leave these notes on your desk.

Dear Lord!

Jim. Which do you like better for the party tonight?

An old-fashioned Christmas by Andy
Williams. Or Jim Nabors in the Holy Land.

Not now Corky!

Why are you in such a hurry?

Ask Murphy. Ask Frank.

By the way. Do you have a pair of isotoners.

Yes, why?

Oh, no reason.

There you go Miles.

Phil's contribution to your Christmas Charity Drive.

Thanks Phil.

But please it's not a Christmas charity drive.

It's a non-sectarian
non-denominational holiday charity drive.

Is it tax deductible?

Yes.

Then you call it anything you want.

I call it genius Phil.

I recognize a great idea.

And I ran with it.

And look at the results.

Everyone on the show has contributed.

And for the last two weeks, the office has
been stress-free and full of holiday cheer.

Get up off your butt Miles! We've got a big problem.

What are you talking about?

I just found out what's going on.

Murphy, Frank and Jim are out buying
presents right now for the whole office.

Oh come on Corky. They wouldn't do that. We made a deal.

Deal schmiel!

I'm telling you they're cheating and it's not fair.

The whole office is going to think I don't care.

Well I'm not going to let that happen Miles.

When the chips are down I can shop as fast as anyone.

Corky! Don't do it. Don't do it.

We made a pact and we can't go back on it.
Someone's gotta show a little integrity here.

Oh that's great Miles. Just what Earl
in the mail room wants for Christmas.

A big box of integrity. The man has a gun rack in his trunk.

Go ahead! Join the masses!

Miles Silverberg does not cave in.

Earthy gutsy decision Miles.

This is what's wrong with the world Phil.

When people think the rules don't apply to them.

You have nothing but chaos.

I refuse to buy presents.

Even if I'm the only one not participating.

I'll be making a statement.

People will say: he didn't give in.

Not Miles Silverberg.

The boss.

The Jewish boss.

Everyone in ... my Christmas presents
for anyone in the office. Oh God!

Miles, hi. How you doing?

Just great Frank. What do you got there? Groceries?

What?

Oh, these are, are... it's uh uh for my family.

Good Frank. First you cheat and then you lie.

A nice way to celebrate the birth of your lord.

Phil give me a beer.

Ah those last minute Christmas
shopping's pretty thirsty work uh Frank?

It wasn't my fault. I bought one lousy present for
Murphy. She's the one who bought for the office staff.

I hate this holiday. Having such anxiety.

I bought the same thing for everybody. But I'm not sure.

What is it?

30 pre-wrapped coffee mug showing the
Peanuts characters in The Nativity scene.

It's the thought that counts. Right?

Although, you might consider getting a Hanukkah gift for
Miles. He's kind of sensitive about this Christmas thing.

Especially since he found out you guys
are out buying presents for each other.

What are you talking about? We're not buying
anything for each other. We have an agreement.

You had an agreement. What you have now is 20
minutes before the drugstore on the corner close.

This is unbelievable.

The drugstore again. Every year it's the same damn thing.

There is no escaping Destiny Phil. Don't even try.

Good news Frank. Your gift just came.

Not now.

What's the matter with Frank?

He just found out he has to
buy gifts for Corky, Miles and Jim.

What? What's he doing that for?

We agreed we wouldn't. We made a promise.

Gee. Somebody in Washington broke a promise. I'm astounded.

I don't believe this.

Where am I gonna get presents for them now?

I've really had it with this holiday.

Why couldn't those three wise men
have just taken the family out to dinner?

Miles.

Jim. Hi. What are you doing here?

Oh nothing much. Just picking up a few odds and ends.

What are you doing here?

The same. Odds and ends, bits and pieces, this and that.

Corky. Well. Hello there Corky.

Look who's here Miles? Corky.

Hi there Corky.

Wrapping paper's on sale. That's why
I'm here. For wrapping paper, nothing more.

Oh really? You wouldn't by any
chance to be buying gifts would you?

For people... you know?

People you work with?

Why do you ask Corky?

Any particular reason you're in
this store now looking half crazed?

Committing some sort of drive-by shopping? Are you?

Oh you two don't fool me for one
second. I know what you're doing.

You're buying Christmas presents for me. Aren't you?

Of all the rotten low inconsistent and...

you're not doing the same?

Shame on you. We had an agreement.

Oh nice agreement. I know you bought me
something Jim. Admit it. You bought me something.

I didn't buy you anything Miles.

Sure. Fine. Don't buy the Jewish
Guy a Christmas gift. See if I care.

5 minutes to blast off. You've got time to buy a card.

That's all.

We saw you Frank. We all saw you.

Ah. Guys. What a surprise.

Oh drop the act. We all know what you're up to.

You're buying gifts for Christmas.

And what are you all doing? Looking for chapstick?

I'm not gonna take the heat for this.

I want it on record this is all Murphy's fault.

Four minutes. Time is wasted.

Hi Murphy.

Doing a little shopping?

Well I hope you all have an explanation for this.

I think we were just about to ask you the same question.

Who are those gnomes for Murphy?

What lucky person here is about to
become the proud owner of this little fella?

Gee. I hope it's me.

I'll put him on my bed stand where I can see
him every night and maybe I'll name him Waldo.

You've got a lot of nerve Jim.

Ceramic asparagus. No home is
complete without one of these little beauties.

That was for you Murphy.

But since you obviously don't care for this gift.
Maybe you'd like to accompany me to Tiffany's.

Where we can pick out a nice big crown for her majesty.

I don't have to do that.

I'll just take this lovely rodent cookie jar.

Don't touch that.

That's for Corky.

You are giving me a rodent cookie
jar? That's what you think of me?

That I'm the sort of person who'd like to
stick my hand in a rat's head for a cookie?

Cheer up Corky. At least I'll buy you this.

Miles killed a gnome.

Shut up.

Why are you a loud speaker?

They're not broken. Look.

They're modular.

This head can go with this body.

And now, this one doesn't have any legs, so
he could be peeing out of this little knot hole.

All right. Nobody move. Who is responsible for this?

He is.
He dropped it.

All right. You come with me. We're
gonna pay a little visit to the manager.

This is an outrage! I hardly touch them!

They're defective!

♪ Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas ♪

They hate the mugs. I knew this would happen.

Stop whining Frank. At least you got them something.

Of course I can always hand out these gnome parts.

That would be good, now that I'm
the proud owner of the entire Colony.

Okay. That's it. Seven o'clock. Party's over.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll go
home and hang myself from the Christmas tree.

Eldin! What are you doing here?

Hello. Hey greetings everybody. Listen,
I'm not gonna be at your place later.

So I just decided to stop by and give you a little
something in celebration of this joyous season.

Oh no. Not another present. I can't deal with this.

Take it back whatever it is. I don't want it.

You know? It's always such a
treat to do something nice for you.

Will you just take it so I can get out of here?

Thank you. Happy holidays.

It'd better not be a bill.

A donation has been made in your
name to the Campbell Home for children.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Well. You know. People get all
nuts at Christmas buying stuff for everybody.

I think that it takes away from true meaning of Christmas.

Of course not everybody feels that way.

So uh if you're disappointed it's
not a cheese basket or something...

No Eldin. I think this is a pretty terrific gift.

Hey. I'd love to stick around but
this party is a little too wild for me.

Hey people. Calm down. Somebody's gonna get hurt here.

Dont'go now. Stay and get some punch.

Sorry. But um I got to get to the Home. I'm gonna
help cook Christmas Eve dinner for the little ones.

You never told me about this.

Well, it's just something I do it makes me feel good.

And it's more enjoyable than
sitting in your living room

watching you throw water
balloons at Christmas Carols.

Joyous to all and everybody!

Merry Christmas.

Look at us.

How'd we get so far away from what we set out to do.

It's Christmas, I don't want to be mad at you guys.

I don't want to be mad either.

I've never been mad on any major holiday.

I'd like to point out that we raised
quite a bit of money for charity.

We should be feeling good.

At least we got that right.

I say we do exactly the same thing
next year and really stick to our promise.

Good. Because I've been banned from that drugstore for life.

Well guys. I guess I'll see you next
week. Happy holidays. I really mean it.

Merry Christmas Murphy.

I think I'll just check the address of the Campbell
home, in case Eldin needs an extra pair of hands.

Gee Murph. You in a kitchen with kids nearby

it sounds kind of dangerous to
me. Maybe I better go along with you.

You know? Uh that place is right on my
way home, more or less, I think I'll stop by.

Doris doesn't expect me home for a while.

I'm coming too. I know something
really fun we can do on the way over.

We can sing The 12 Days of Christmas.

I know all the words.

You know most people get stuck on 10 Lords A-Leaping.

Corky. I don't mean to correct
you, but it's nine Lords A-Leaping

No no no it's nine swans of swimming,
eight ladies dancing, seven Lords A-Leaping

Six Lords A-Leaping

Not six. Nine. I've been singing that song for 40 years.

It's definitely seven.

Come on. Let's just sing the song.

♪ Mmmmm mmmm ♪

♪ Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made it out
of clay and when it's dry and ready... ♪