Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 6 - Buddies Schmuddies - full transcript

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can't handle so much raw talent that's

early in the morning well hi there

you must be the new kid on the block as

a gesture of our hospitality you may be

the first to select a doughnut from this

box I don't huh hey what the hell why



should I care of my thighs balloon my

husband left me for a waitress at

Denny's I haven't had a date in a year

my cat got run over the driveway and my

son's in jail I might as well be dead

okay great to have you aboard warning

guess what aunty Murphy brought that's

right every donut ever invented

including all your old favorites peanut

cluster lemon cream honey glazed and for

you Frank

bald pal my foxhole buddy a chocolate

torpedo one for you and one for you aha

chipper this morning slugger what's up



only about the best story of the year

Murph there's only one chocolate torpedo

in here what do you mean I asked them

for two oh I know how much you love

torpedoes I want you to take it

ordinarily I would Frank you know me but

today I'm feeling especially generous

take the torpedo off please I insist

okay do you think it could be any more

disgusting hey how about this for once

everybody's here on time hey finish

talking miles take the bran muffin and

let's get started

wait a minute why is everyone here on

time what's going on something bad is

gonna happen to me right doing the

emotionally stable miles now let's get

the meeting started ask me about my

story idea go on go ahead ask me this is

a trick isn't it come on miles we don't

have all day

okay what's your story idea maybe I'll

let somebody else go first I don't want

to make everybody else feel bad when

their stories pale by comparison

somebody else go ahead go on Jim

you're a mess right okay okay miles you

are gonna love this

oh my god Nicole this morning anonymous

it seems as though someone very high up

at the FAA is on the tape from someone

very high up at Bryden aircraft now

Bryden has the contract on cargo door

mechanism ten excuses but you mean this

is a joke Frank what that's my story I

got an anonymous call last night safety

tests on the cargo doors didn't pan out

so they falsified them and now they're

bribing an FAA official for approval I

was going to do that story wow that is

incredible friend very very hot stuff

that's my hot stuff that's my story what

do you mean it's your story come on

Murph I pitched it first everybody heard

me oh sure I was being nice see what it

gets me he's stealing my story first my

doughnut now this

be don't make such a big deal out of it

take my doughnuts guys guys hold it this

is not a problem now I don't see any

reason why the two of you can't work

together on this I mean the potential of

the story is certainly big enough work

together huh it's an interesting idea I

mean it sounds okay to me what do you

think mer I guess it sounds okay to me

till it could even be fun not to mention

productive right and then I guess what

one of us would do the story on the air

yeah I wonder how we decide which one so

simple you give it to the first person

who cracks the story god do I have to do

everything around here

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hey Phil what's all this Oh change it

bills we've always been known as a lunch

place so I figured a little

entertainment my girl mops a new

business at night you know Phil I've

gotta hand it to you not only are you a

brilliant entrepreneur but you've got

your finger on the pulse of this city

well I bet the Speaker of the House

doesn't know as many people as you know

I'll bet you know say half the people in

the FAA alone what are we getting at

here Murphy

I need the name of someone in the FAA

who can open a few doors for me someone

who can point me in the direction of a

major scandal sounds like a tall order

and you know I was thinking Phil what

was the last time you and Phyllis came

over to my house for dinner

never well it's about time you did how

about it

you can't cook did I say cook I meant

treat you to a nice dinner it's our

Della's I know how Phyllis loves Italian

oh I don't know did I mention the bottle

don't carry no and I don't have to eat

with you the guy's name is Shawn Russia

if a about five years he used to be

their traffic controller got squeezed

out during the strike a few years ago

that's all I can tell you thanks Phil

you're the best they sell fish again

really I mean it it's amazing how many

people you know oh hi mer how are things

things Frank things are just fine thanks

and how were things fine just fine

Diane just stopped by to have a beer

with my old pal Phil and what brings you

by in the middle of the afternoon

oh nothing much really I just thought

I'd stop by and make sure my old pal

Phil was doing okay here's our livestock

in here

listen I'd love to stick around and chat

but I've got this really important

appointment

thanks again Phil I won't forget this

yeah just don't forget that Barcalounger

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hi Corky got a minute I need to ask a

favor of you I just got off the phone

with Morton oil at records and he's

tracking down a few things for back

story on Brydon aircraft anyway in

passing he happened to mention how much

he'd like to meet you and knowing what

an open and friendly person you are I

said I was pretty sure you'd love to

meet him

wait a minute Murphy you said I'd love

to meet someone who works three floors

below street level is this some kind of

a fix-up well yeah oh come on Corky the

fresh air will do him good

Murphy I am shocked and disappointed in

you it'll be a cold day in aichi double

hockey sticks before I'll be the cheese

in your mousetrap I didn't promise him

sex

why do busy I just wanted to ask you a

question yesterday I noticed when you

went into the men's room Frank was in

there and um I was wondering any

interesting aircraft manufacturer talk

come up sorry Murphy but I won't be

dragged into the middle of this I'm

trying to be as impartial as possible so

I'll tell you what Frank said to me in

the men's room past the sports section

that's when I had the car accident it

was at Christmas the same day my purse

was stolen I remember that because you

know it sounds like fascinating story

but I've got to get to a meeting I'll

see you later okay

Yeah right uh hi I'm er hi Frank

gee I haven't seen you all day you've

been locked up in your office blinds

draw lots of secret phone calls you're

onto something huh I haven't seen you

all day either Frank your secretary said

you got a phone call this morning and

shot out of here like a bat out of hell

that's the exact phrase she used Frank

bat out of hell

exaggerated Murph

do you feel as stupid as I do yeah what

are we doing here I don't know but it's

very strange look why don't we get

together tonight at Phil's grab a bite

huh just forget this story for a while I

was hoping you'd say that I miss my pal

eight o'clock oh gee 8 o'clock 8 o'clock

great I'll see you there

that's right yes they call me mellow

yellow' yeah they call me mellow yellow'

guess they call me the

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we

thank you don't get up

really Don Sarasota here you know

speaking of yellow there's someone over

there at the bar who looks just a little

bit blue I think I'll go and cheer him

up well you've come to the right place

my friend

yes where the lonely become lonely I'm

waiting for someone off hey I've heard

that one before no need to be ashamed my

friend we all need a little

companionship now that I told you I'm

meeting something yes Phil's at night

where people meet other people wait a

minute well how about that

here you go Phil let's sort of taught me

that one

and speaking of the Dodgers like a

rhinestone Cowboys

fifteen what time have you got

if this guy didn't take a break sue and

I'm gonna have to install a speed bump

to keep the people from running out a

believable why isn't she here you know

I'll tell you why cuz she knew I'd be

stupid enough to show up and wait for a

while she's out there tracking down

leads

the woman has a dark side to her very

very dark okay if that's the kind of

game she wants to play that is fine with

me I will get down right there in the

dirt with her so much for friendship I

got things to do I'll see you later

okay how about some impressions any

requests salman rushdie don't know him

but here's one of my favorites

you might recognize our host with the

most

phil yesterday - those things to do

you're kidding he left I'm 15 lousy

minutes late and he left unbelievable I

lose my keys I'm retracing my steps from

the entire day on my hands and knees in

the parking lot

God Phil this guy stinks thanks for

pointing that out

you know what I think I think Frank's on

to something I think he's located the

anonymous caller in fact I'm sure of it

he's probably meeting with him right now

I think the jury would understand if I

jumped over the barn choked to death

I'd love to hang around but I'm not

about to let him get the best of me

mister investigator reporter huh

well sure about that hey hey speaking of

pretty ladies its Murphy Brown it's more

like a dull thud behind my left ear it

started this morning it's probably

stress it all goes back to that doesn't

it I'm telling you my ex-husband is

driving me out of my mind

have you met Murphy's new secretary oh

yes we met yesterday well I've got lots

of work to do

so why don't you two just chat so how

goes it not too good I got a headache

all morning sort of a dull thud here my

left ear well better go check could be a

brain tumor you know

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okay okay MuRF

yep Murph I will get back to you on that

great idea of yours and listen keep

sunday open okay I got field passes for

the game maybe we'll get a bite to eat

afterwards Murph

would you please forget that silly diet

of yours hi Frank hi Murph I didn't see

you there yeah just like I didn't see

you last night it fills I was there at

eight o'clock unless maybe you thought I

meant 8:00 a.m. I should have been more

clear gee no Frank I couldn't have

thought you meant this morning I wasn't

even in town this morning Lee where were

you oh I think you know I think you

figured someone might want to tell you

so you dressed your neighbor and your

clothes gave him your car and told him

to drive to Baltimore yeah well what

were you doing following me in the first

place huh what were you doing in my

office and what's that you got in your

hand nothing it's something you got that

off my desk

didn't you okay maybe I did Teli Murph

what's going on at the zoo at around 11

o'clock a rendezvous perhaps with our

anonymous phone call or maybe you're so

far off you're in Buffalo oh well then I

guess you won't mind if I drop by the

zoo around say 11:00 you know I haven't

been to the zoo in a long time

great idea Frank don't forget to visit

your relatives in the reptile house

unless my best friend planted this note

on her desk hoping that her best friend

would find it and while hanging around

the monkey house watching Bobo picked

lights off his wife's back you are

scooping the story of the year you think

just because I've been in therapy for a

few years you could play these little

mind games on me huh darn it all you

figured it out I thought I could fool

you but I didn't realize who I was up

against you are going to the zoo orange

you you think that I think this no does

it think but in fact it's real know me

amigo Frank Fontana is wise to your

lives four eyes Frank whatever you do

don't quit therapy

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no big deal

wait a minute you're him five-foot-ten

blue-striped aye you're the guy I was

supposed to meet here yeah I'm him where

have you been anyway I'm really late I

know I'm sorry no problem I love hanging

around this toilet I've made friends

here I'll keep for the rest of my life

I had to keep making detours to make

sure I wasn't being followed listen I've

been I've brined in 15 months if they

find out what I'm doing I could lose my

job

unless they had me killed either way

it's going to affect my income Freddie

and ask yourself this how are you going

to feel when one of those cargo doors

fails and innocent lives are lost you

know I'm right you know you've got to go

through with this I knew it it wasn't

the zoo I was right all along what are

you doing here Frank

you couldn't have followed me here no

one could have followed well I certainly

couldn't follow you in my car since

someone let all the air out of the tires

how did you get your frame how do you

think I hid in your trunk along with a

disgusting pair of gym shoes and a

rotting head of lettuce which I'm

guessing you bought in late 85 in my

trunk

a grown man hiding in a person's truck

you think Mike Wallace ever hid in a

trunk boy you must be really desperate

to me but I'll tell you desperate who

called security and told him I was

stealing my own typewriter who did that

how he heard me the janitor 50 bucks

I've got your number you know you call

yourself a friend it's convenient but it

comes to the job is the Lord redeemed

Roller made anything to you

he's gone

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and then there came the plaintive scream

of a marmoset in heat Kelvin why are

there paint cans on my porch and why are

you wearing my bathrobe ah a two-parter

the paint cans are patiently waiting for

me to take them to the dump and I'm

wearing your bathrobe because they tore

my overalls what would you prefer I did

my sewing buck-naked keep the roll

Belden but I'm gonna turn off the music

I've got a headache and I've had a bad

day I worked for a Philistine

hi it's me

I think okay if I come in for a minute I

guess so

hi nice room

thank you so Frank what brings you here

well I just dropped by to remind you

that your dry-cleaning will be ready

tomorrow

what yah yah found this plain chick

while it was in your trunk

also your spares a little low oh thanks

Murph listen really I came by to

apologize I don't know I just I get so

competitive sometimes I've always got to

be the first one there to win you don't

have to tell me I've been that way

myself once or twice no what do you mean

Murph

can we bury the hatchet for a minute I

was thinking well I have this idea it's

a little bit radical I I don't know if

you're gonna go along with it how you

feel about work on the story together I

was hoping you'd say that you and me too

driven aggressive neurotic compulsive

Overeaters will crack the sucker wide

open

yeah hello oh hi miles what's up why

okay it was miles he wants us to turn on

the television channel 9 right now and

as expected right an aircraft and the

FAA denied the allegations that any

payoffs involving tests on cargo doors

took place however it was Nightline's

Ted Koppel who received an anonymous

play this evening from an engineer at

Brighton who supplied coupled with all

the test results in question directly

following this program Nightline will

devote full coverage to this latest in a

rash of government scandals everything I

touch turns to heart I'm sorry Frank

this is all my fault oh no it is and

it's my fault no really I started it

it's my fault

okay it is your fault it's my fault it's

not my fault you know whose fault it is

it's my dog's fault

you're right it is his fault I said we

go over to his house right now and teach

him a lesson

great idea what do we do to him we get

his garden hose we stick it through the

mail slot we turn it on full blast we

were on Mike Allen frankly did that

already I've got a better idea

first we get a sheep then we get two

pairs of high heels I love it

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