Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 7 - Whose Garbage Is It Anyway? - full transcript

Oh

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Oh

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Oh God

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Oh

Oh wasted on the ocean

this fool

dr. Sakura is one of our leading

environmental scientists you've given us



a lot of frightening facts and figures

this evening but let's make this more

personal it's the year 2050 in America

if we've made no changes in our

attitudes or behavior what is life like

well I hope you're ready for this say

you wake up on a summer day first off

you'd find the Mercury's already over a

hundred degrees there have been a lot

more of these hot days due to the

greenhouse effect and the air is so

dirty school children are not allowed to

play outside most days of the year maybe

you want to seek relief at the beach but



hotter temperatures have caused rising

sea levels many of our beaches are gone

forever and even if you can find a beach

the waters been off-limits for three

decades due to pollution so you had

indoors as you walk you're assaulted by

the sight and smell of garbage it's

everywhere

we ran out of places to dump it decades

ago dr. Sakura I'd like to bring this

segment to a close by asking you is it

too late to turn things around not yet

but we Americans have got to stop living

in a waste mentality we throw out twice

as much garbage per person as the

average Japanese or European and our air

pollution half of it comes from our own

tailpipes

thank you dr. Sakura so will this be how

the human race goes out killed off by

our own wasteful lifestyles we must put

aside these petty comforts and

conveniences for we are living in the

last chance decade let us keep in mind

this Native American proverb we do not

inherit the land from our ancestors we

borrow it from our children Jim Murphy

thank you and thank you all for joining

us this evening this has been a special

edition of FYI

goodnight

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here's a glass of water you ask for

you see fYI tonight interesting

information people very often ask for

water and residents just out of habit

mmm

you probably don't realize but it takes

three glasses of water to serve one one

to wash one or rinse and one for the ice

all right drink the water hey guys sorry

I'm late but the switchboard was going

crazy 342 positive calls and only one

native yeah Exxon they say we should

lighten up guys I think this is one of

our best efforts to the 18th yeah

oh geez don't look now oh no Jerry gold

like there isn't enough pollution

shouldn't be rounding up guests for next

week's show or the world run out of

wife-swapping skinhead transvestites I

don't know what it is about him he gets

to me like no one else can makes me so

man every time I just can't the words

don't I could Joe coming over here he

always touches me hi look who's here my

old pals from FYI

mind if I join you so how you doing

sweet cakes yeah I saw your show tonight

you mind a few suggestions from a

colleague oh what a snowball and hell

freezes over in pigs drive take a pass

on the critique chair we're not big on

pointers from a guy whose last interview

was wearing nipple clamps

oh that's right I I forgot you're the

only real news people around here I'm

too some poor schnook with 30 million

viewers a week

you know let me tell you something it's

pretty easy sitting around telling the

American public all the stuff they

should give up to save the planet while

you brown fire up your gas guzzling

sports car to go to the dry cleaners two

blocks from here hey man

you know you can't come in here pointing

fingers at her set him straight Murphy I

may have done it once

okay twice it looked like it was gonna

snow

Frank you saw you at the gym last week

you were at the gym yeah I like to watch

the babes do squat thrusts anyway

Fontana what was that like a 20-minute

shower you were taking I mean all that

hot water I have an oily scalp and Jimmy

when's the last time you carpooled huh

you just don't make you say me stop

well I guess that just about sums it up

look this has been a lot of fun as

always see you around

not so fast Nature Boy before you race

back to your roach motel I think we

don't love to hear what you do for the

environment yeah you don't know what I

do for the environment well I heat my

full 365 days a year and I don't even

swim and when I fill my tank it's

nothing but let it gas for me a man's

game Amy what am I gonna do with the

future

leave it to my kids I leave them my

forwarding address but at least I don't

sing one tune in public and then dance

to another at home what are you saying

gold then I'm a hypocrite is that what

you're saying that I'm a hypocrite bingo

don't worry when she's wonderful

you and Robert Redford and your whole

band of wimpy tree huggers are all the

same they're always picking on a little

guy tell me am I supposed to live his

life I'll bet you right now in front of

everyone if you had to live without your

air conditioners and your limos and your

cushy little lifestyles you wouldn't

last two weeks excuse me am i

understanding you correctly are you

saying that the best news organization

in the business couldn't pull it

together for two weeks of recycling and

conserving is that it that's it so take

off your magic bag bring good

if Bob you guys lose Murphy has to do a

personal appearance on my show your on

Murphy Brown on the Jerry gold show I

love this and I know the show for you

too hope you look good in edible panties

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okay okay shut up

I want to thank mrs. MacMurray from

ladies for Lee lies castration and I

want to thank you to Burt sorry if we

cut you short anyway before we wrap this

thing up here today I want to remind you

again about our Murphy watch now this is

a big opportunity for our Washington DC

viewers we're offering 50 bucks to

anybody who spots one of those FYI

hypocrites throwing their cans and

bottles out with the regular trash I can

catch them with their Carl to clean

wasting the water our grandkids deserve

I'll give you a hundred bucks the biggie

a thousand simoleons for a snapshot of

one of those guys riding alone in the

carpool lane and don't forget our

special Murphy watch phone number 1-800

I saw her everybody get out of here I'm

sick I look at that

[Applause]

you believe it the maggot went national

with his drink of humility is I'd like

to see the Rocky crawled under from out

for a short walk up a long easy big guy

my easy Jerry goes the whole building

saw it that Lord torque from graphics

follow me to the elevator waiting to

catch me tossing us in the trash

I'm afraid to put it down well I say let

them watch you know what they'll see a

highly organized and efficient system of

waste management starting with this ok

everybody listen up

from now on we're starting a recycling

stack and we really need for separate

newspapers when we could share one and

look at it but it's like an industrial

waste up all these napkins and paper

plates and these plastic forks that we

use once and then throw away and no more

disposable cups from now on I want

everyone to bring their own luck we'll

just make up a little schedule and take

turns washing them I'd like to volunteer

for the first chip these little beauties

the devil styrofoam we'll all be dead

and gone but this stuff will still be

around precious today I was made I say

no more ordering takeout food from

places that use polystyrene until they

find a practical way to recycle right

hey here's something else starting

tomorrow we carpool yes work you don't

live that far for me what do you say I

pick you up tomorrow morning 7:00 a.m.

moving for the office at 7:00 a.m. I'm a

morning person come on Murphy they would

be on this or not yeah okay you got it

carpooling is happening carpooling is

good and I could use the extra time to

get a jump on my research on the Census

Bureau story you know human Frank and I

could ride in together I can pick you up

first Jim and then we can take the

expressway to get Frank can I count on

you to be downstairs on time mr. birch

engrosses I'll be there I'll be there

okay everybody get cracking go through

your trash and take out all your

recyclable paper aluminum cans and glass

bottles we can do this

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thanks for driving again miles you know

I realized something so much of my

attention comes from sitting behind the

wheel it's nice to be a passenger for a

change

hey no problem I love to drive I just

flip on my tape player and cruise by the

way those 66 years are kind of neat did

I actually hear you singing along to

love child you know I think there's hope

for you yet

and that's what Breslin and I had it out

right on the branch Avenue off-ramp with

the Beltway that'll always be a special

offer up for me you guys are in early

yeah I thought I got a morning edit

session and Jimmy Clark you were good

enough to bend their schedule thanks

again guys and sorry you had a hunk for

me Oh what's an extra 15 minutes as long

as you have the right time

I'm not sure no this is really fun I

think I've learned more about Jim in one

week than I have all year Tony but when

you've been a part of this city as long

as I have a simple ride to work becomes

a kaleidoscope of memories my first

formal ball at the Woodrow Wilson house

my first live remote at the old pension

building do you know those are the

largest Corinthian columns in the world

yes I'll tell you something at first I

just wanted to show up Jericho but it's

so much more than winning something look

us our own small personal way for making

a difference hey my cups dirty that's my

fault it was my turn to wash the mugs

last night but I was really struggling

to finish my research on a census bureau

I guess I didn't get to your mug miles

Murphy forget about just the mug with

some old coffee and a wide of company

Wow I can't run to myself

thanks a million miles I tell you what

I'll wash the mugs again tonight gives

you a night off

sure of course that's what this is all

about being flexible making compromises

learning to adapt right well what did

you expect me to do Murphy go through

the truck with that funny round thing

you hang on to while you're driving is a

steering wheel you turn it so you can go

around the slow traffic instead of

sitting there all the decade changes

don't drive like you Murphy I don't

hurtle towards the traffic light at warp

speed and then slam on my brakes when

the light turns red causing my passenger

to lurch forward it's green it's there

it's the vehicles on the expressway

laughing maniacally when I score at 54

cutting off a Cadillac buzz if you're

gonna sing along to my music get the

words right okay

it's what child never meant to be left

child take a look at me not take a look

or three

if you have to take your cat to the vet

disporting put it in a carrier

don't let it crawl all over the car and

under people who get after spend their

morning picking mr. puppies hair dark

blue chalk it up is one more amusing

story in your life to go along with all

the other amusing stories in your life

never abusing stories to tell people

while they're trapped in a car with you

while you amuse them with your story

oh what a rush

you shouldn't see me out there my house

to work 17 miles you know that long curl

around the ellipse whoo I've got the

searing pain in my right hamstring I'm

telling you I just about lost it

but I kept saying to myself one more

mile it's for clean air you can do it

it's important huh

give it up Frank your car passes during

65 miles an hour on the Connecticut

Avenue exit your bike was on the rack

and you were spraying yourself with a B

on water

you cheer Oh give me a break wait I need

my car tonight I finally got a date with

that CNN producer a great romantic

evening will have squeeze in the

backseat of Corky's car while mr. puppy

brings up a hairball that's it I don't

want the keator in my car

great take captain brake pedal there no

way I'm allergic to cats

Oh fine I'll ride with them oh well what

a wonderful attitude do you have any

idea what I've been going through every

night I got Jerry gold doers combing

through my trash I've got so much

garbage on my front lawn it looks like a

goat exploded so guys have been Jimmy

watching to see how long I shower I

don't like guys watching me shower I'm

funny that way okay I think this whole

thing

ellen:oh CSS food delivery guy who's

coming I haven't eaten all day and I'm

starving and are we too weak to add a

simple please give me a break reality

it's the last day of the stinking bed

and I've got an 8:00 a.m. deadline if

that food doesn't get here soon I may

have to eat the wood in the fireplace

here's a wild thought my groceries

I went to the market Eldon I spent two

hours picking out pesticide free produce

a non colored toilet paper

I made the clerk go through every box of

detergents until we found one without

phosphates and then after dodging Jerry

Goldsmith Roux the aisles with their

instamatics I had to leave everything

there and do you know why because all

they had were plastic bags they weren't

recyclable so then after I finished

putting everything back on the shelves I

was ready to just food yes forget that

for me will you please Elvan you know

this is going to be okay I'll have my

dinner I'll finish my piece in a few

hours that swine bucket Jerry gold will

be eating his words oh no this can't be

happening I asked the Milton I asked

them specifically if they use

polystyrene containers they said no

that's what they said well back it goes

huh we gotta let these restaurants know

that we mean business right that's what

we have to do just let me take a peek at

the food Alden to see if they screwed up

the order on top of everything else

[Applause]

they got it right

spaghetti carbonara you know how

sometimes the egg gets all clumpy in the

sauce it wasn't

and there was garlic toast crispy crust

soft in the middle

sprinkling of imported Parmesan cheese

on the top I'm eating this oh how the

mighty have fallen

don't give me any grief Eldon this

stupid stuffs been manufactured already

there's nothing I can do about that

maybe you've given up on a miracle of

reproduction but I would like to think

one day there'll be a little L Dannette

and I hope I hope she'll have a place to

follow while her father now more famous

than Picasso sits on the death of his

beach house painting a breathtaking

sunset while his wife Susan Anton looks

on

forget it Eldon why is it up to me

anyway I've done my share more I'm not

the one deforesting the planet I'm not

the one causing acid rain one lousy

container isn't going to make a

difference from this generation to the

next planet killer who's gonna see who's

going to know

Elden yes would you return this to the

restaurant for me please

you make me very proud bucks I bet a lot

of you're expecting to see Murphy Brown

on our show today

what happened hey you let me down you

didn't get one thing on her or her band

of FYI do-gooders so guess what I take

it on the chin but hey that's okay I

admit when I've lost a bet and I'll read

a statement that Ms Brown said I

wouldn't be man enough to read on the

air by Jerry gold must apologize

I was wrong wrong wrong I totally

misjudged you Murphy you are a woman of

integrity and commitment

Jerry Gold must learn to stop shooting

off my loud arrogant obnoxious ashcan of

a mouth at best I am a worm

[Applause]

okay somebody want to recycle this

[Applause]

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was it really to weeds until you seemed

like two years yes but it was worth it

that bombastic bigmouth blowhard bundled

the bed and blew his bravado to bits

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[Applause]

okay people let's get back to the story

meeting so I forget what we're here for

we got a show to fill up Murphy your

piece in the Census Bureau is very

strong I'd like to anchor the show with

it so what we need is a hot opening well

you know I've been doing some some

digging into all the emergency rooms

shut down it could be something so

annoying well everybody's pointing

fingers at everybody else the doctors

the insurance companies the government

bottom line is you get injured you're in

trouble so I was thinking if we were to

hold on a second are you guys

anyway as I was saying I think emergency

room care is something we should give

priority to because people

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you

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