Mulaney (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Halloween - full transcript
As a tribute to his deceased neighbor, Lapidus, John uses his jokes for Lou's monologue. Then, in an effort to please Lou and make sure his contract, which expires on Halloween, is renewed, John stops at nothing - including potential grave robbery - to retrieve more of Lapidus' material and prove his worth to Lou.
I love Halloween.
Halloween's a pretty sexual holiday.
People get dressed up in all
sorts of degrading outfits.
All holidays are a little sexual.
Christmas has the mistletoe,
new year's Eve has drunken sex,
and Valentine's day has obligatory sex.
The only holiday that's not
sexual at all is Thanksgiving.
There's nothing sexy about Thanksgiving.
You wear brown and tan clothing,
and you eat brown and tan food,
and then after dinner, you
and your family play charades,
and everyone's farting.
I like to watch a lot of
horror movies on Halloween.
Horror villains have changed
over the years in movies.
They're a lot more scary, and
they're a lot less wealthy.
Like, Dracula and
Frankenstein lived in castles.
I'm pretty sure the last two saw movies
took place in a gas station bathroom.
Halloween is the least sentimental holiday.
No one's ever like,
"oh, I should give mom a call."
Every year since pop died,
she never goes out on Halloween
dressed as a Power Ranger to take ecstasy.
[Upbeat music]
Mulaney: S01E03 Halloween
(Motif) Mulaney is filmed in front
of a live studio audience, okay?
I wonder how the custom of
carving pumpkins started.
So hundreds of years ago in
Ireland, gourds were used...
That is so funny... as soon as you
started, I was like, "ah, I don't care."
Guys, look at this.
I was practicing stand-up
in my room, and you see that?
The cabinet closes on its own.
I think my room is haunted.
Motif, that's probably a mouse,
and it shut the cabinet 'cause
it was sick of your material.
Impossible.
I was doing a lot of
anti-cat stuff that mice love.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I mean, I believe in an
afterlife, and I believe in a God,
I believe that that God
doesn't want me to have sex,
but ghosts...
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hello.
I'm here to invite you to a Shiva.
- A Shiva?
- You know,
in judaism, when someone dies,
the community sits Shiva in their memory.
It gives the living a
chance to make the death
all about themselves.
It's for Mr. Lapidus.
That might be my ghost!
Hey, Oscar, did this Lapidus
guy like to close cabinets?
More than anything in the world.
Mr. Lapidus from 502.
- He died?
- Two days ago.
This was the guy that was always trying
to talk to me about comedy, remember?
He even gave me a notebook once
of jokes that he wrote, and
he asked for my feedback.
I just made up excuses.
God, it would have meant so much to him
if I had just taken the time to listen.
I know what you mean. I
had a person once who was...
I am so sorry, Oscar, I
don't have time right now.
Hey, Mulaney, you should do all his jokes
in your next stand-up set as a tribute.
Yeah, that's a good
idea. I'm gonna do that.
I mean, I bet Mr. Lapidus'
jokes are terrible.
I just hope people don't
think that I've become a hack.
Oh, I think that ship has sailed.
Do you know what the real tragedy is?
No one can inherit his rent-controlled
one-bedroom apartment, and
it was only $40 a month.
$40? What?
You guys, I have to get that apartment.
Let's take a moment of
silence for Mr. Lapidus.
Of course, that's a nice idea.
[Phone vibrating]
[Phone beeping]
[Phone chiming]
(Carly Rae Jepsen on a ringtone)
♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ and this is crazy,
but here's my number ♪
Sorry, I should take this.
Hey, Lou, you wanted to see me?
John, as you know, I am a perfectionist.
I know people think, "oh, Lou Cannon,
he's just a game show host.
He just stands there
as contestants wager on
whether celebrity guests
can answer trivia questions
correctly backstage."
I've always been a
little curious about that.
The contestants, they're
betting on whether celebrities...
Look, I have no idea how the game works.
The point of it is, I
am so mad at the writers.
- The writers? I'm one of the writers.
- None of them can deliver day in, day out.
Just to be clear, are you talking
about the other writers or me or...
It's like they don't even know that
their contracts are about to expire.
- Our contracts are about to expire?
- October 31st.
October 31st? You fire people on Halloween?
I felt like the holiday was
getting a little watered down.
I wanted to make it feel scary again.
It's important that my
staff respect holidays.
Yeah, on good Friday, he tells
everyone the show is cancelled,
and then on easter, we get
a text that "it has risen."
By the way, John, I'm a little
disappointed with this monologue.
- What else have you written?
- Oh, um...
Don't tell me these are the only
jokes that you have written all day.
- What's in your notebook?
- Oh, that's actually not my...
There's tons of jokes in here.
"If found, please return
to Anthony Lapidus."
That's funny.
But I wouldn't open with it, but...
The rest of these are great.
Thank you. I wrote those.
I like your large, shaky cursive.
[Chuckles]
Lofty, put those in the prompter.
It's showtime.
[Stammers]
Oh, my God, I have no idea
what's in that notebook.
Mary Jo, what are the odds that an
89-year-old dead garment salesman
writes great jokes?
[Laughs]
I think you're done for.
[Cheers and applause]
Hello, everybody, and welcome. Welcome.
[Laughs]
You know, I figured out how to make sure
the TSA never sees me naked.
I married them.
[Laughter]
But seriously, I was married 65 years.
My wife's idea of romance,
a night under the stars.
You know, Clark Gable, Cary Grant.
[Laughter]
Not bad, Mr. Lapidus, not bad.
Well, bad, but they are working.
So I figured out how to inherit
a rent-controlled apartment.
I just have to say I'm
Lapidus' common-law wife.
Jane, who's gonna believe that
you were married to Lapidus?
I have the perfect plan, okay?
I'm gonna leave my stuff
all around his apartment,
Photoshop myself into all his pictures,
and send this death notice to the paper.
- Look.
- Oh, let's see.
"Anthony Lapidus was
born September 5, 1926,
in East Brunswick, New Jersey,
and died in his sleep Sunday night,
leaving behind his young,
supportive, thin girlfriend
of however many years it
takes to be a common-law wife.
In lieu of flowers, send
gift cards for Sephora
- and places like that."
- "Like that."
I need to get this ghost on film.
There's been more strange phenomena.
Last night, I was having sex with a girl,
and she only had one orgasm. [Scoffs]
Hey, how was your tribute?
I actually I ended up
giving Lapidus' jokes to Lou,
and they killed. I think it saved my job.
You took the credit for a dead man's jokes?
That's stealing.
No wonder Lapidus is haunting us.
I haven't seen such lack of
respect for ghosts since...
Ray Parker, Jr.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean about the stealing.
I couldn't follow the rest
of what you were saying.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna tell Lou
the truth about those jokes.
I just hope he doesn't fire me.
[Knocking at the door]
But for the record, I'm not doing this
because I believe your
room is haunted, all right?
There's no such thing as ghosts.
- Hey, Andre.
- Hey, Mulaney.
I wanted to show you my
new Halloween costume.
- It's a little generic.
- What?
Oh! Sorry.
My mom was painting, so
she put this drop over me.
Every Halloween since I was little,
teenagers would beat me
up and steal my candy,
but I have a plan this year.
I'm going as a colorful
paper-mache donkey,
and I'm going to hide all
the candy inside the costume.
- [Chuckles]
- All right.
So you're afraid of kids beating you up
and stealing your candy, and
your plan is to be a piñata?
Wow!
[Door closes]
My own apartment.
Just for me.
[Gentle music]
♪ A bathroom that's just mine ♪
♪ it's like I'm all grown up ♪
♪ no comedians anywhere ♪
♪ and look, non-plastic cup ♪
Fancy.
♪ Old pill bottles just for me ♪
♪ noisy couches ♪
[plastic squealing]
♪ Tiny TV ♪
♪ a phone with buttons so big ♪
♪ I can dial with my thumb ♪
♪ LBJ pins in every drawer ♪
♪ and the temperature's always ♪
♪ 94 ♪
♪ there's a string that I can pull ♪
♪ and an ambulance will come! ♪
[Siren wails]
♪ My chair reclines
like a carnival ride ♪
♪ as I sleep with my feet
up, teeth by my side ♪
♪ in my own grown-up apartment ♪
♪ my uncomfortably hot apartment ♪
♪ just for ♪
♪ me ♪
And... Oh, my God, so many roaches.
Hey, Lou, I need to talk to
you about those jokes yesterday.
Hold on, I'm threatening
to fire this idiot writer.
I am so mad at you, so mad.
You strut around here like some Alpha male,
but when it comes to
writing, you give me nothing,
and then you come up with these excuses,
like, "oh, my grandmother's
in the hospital."
Well, I phoned the hospital, and
there's no one there under her name.
That's because she died.
A bad writer and a liar.
Why can't you write good jokes
and be honest like Mulaney?
He's like a funny George Washington.
Movie idea: Funny character
in some sort of a situation.
Possibly outer space.
Back to Mulaney.
I mean, the guy writes authentic material
about his struggles with mothers-in-law
and dumb Polish people.
I just write what I know.
[Chuckles]
Aw, look at the guilty look in his eye.
Truly talented people
always think they're a fraud.
It's like my buddy, O.J.
The guy's a heisman trophy winner,
but he always has this look
like he did something wrong.
[Laughs]
John, you're the real deal.
I can't wait to read more
of those jokes tomorrow.
- More of those jokes, right.
- Yeah.
May I say something?
What?
I like your outer space idea.
Hey, Jane, have you seen any more
notebooks of jokes lying around?
I need to give Lou more
of that Lapidus magic.
Wait, who's Lapidus again?
Your husband.
Oh, right. Aw, I miss him.
Anyway, I searched the whole apartment,
- looking for memories...
- You were looking for money.
To remember him by,
and while doing that, I found these jokes.
Oh, wow. There's so many here.
This is gonna last me, like, a week.
Thanks, Jane. All right,
I'm going home. You coming?
John, this is my home.
Look at me, I'm finally
living like an adult.
- ♪ The meals, they're on wheels, and... ♪
- Okay, I don't care. I gotta go.
What are we watching?
I set up a camera in my
room 24/7 to catch the ghost.
This footage of you is oddly compelling.
I've been watching me for hours.
It's like the black house of cards.
Oh, this is the part where
I go look for my charger.
No spoilers!
Still haven't seen Lapidus, though.
Maybe he calmed down after you told Lou
the truth about his jokes.
Oh, yeah, I didn't actually do that,
but I promise I will as
soon as my contract is safe.
- Mulaney, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Why?
- You're masturbating.
Oh.
It appears I am.
I must have forgotten there was a camera.
You're waving to the camera.
(Motif on TV) 'Sup, New York?
Oh, so that's how you do it.
[Chuckles]
That's not a casserole
That's a "casse-run-away."
[Laughter]
I can't believe Lou just did every
single joke I gave him in one show.
And now there's only ten seconds
left to play the whole game.
Round one.
And that's our show!
Three-way tie, zero points.
Happy Halloween!
Cue the spooky thunder.
Damn it, Vinny! I said
cue the spooky thunder!
God, I hate this show!
Hi, Lou. [Laughs] Great show.
Cool Austin Powers costume.
Bup bup bup! Austin Powers is trademarked.
The bag this came in
said, "Groovy Super Spy."
So, Lou, uh, I know my
contract expires today.
John, you've been doing great work.
I just burned through
every joke you gave me.
Keep it up, and I'm
sure you'll get renewed.
Keep it up? But today's the 31st.
Right, seven hours before
your contract expires.
Why don't you bring me some more of
this dynamite material before then?
[Chuckles] And if I don't, I'm fired?
[Laughs] Oh, John,
no need to be this dramatic.
Just bring me a hundred jokes before
the stroke of midnight on Halloween.
[Thunder sound effects]
(Mary Jo) A little late
on the thunder, Vinny!
A hundred jokes, Lou, that might be tricky.
What's the problem? You
did write these, right?
'Cause if there's one thing
I hate, it's stolen comedy.
It's not shagadelic, and it
does not make me horny, baby.
Damn it, there's no more jokes here.
Wait, what's this?
"Dear Diary, today, we landed at normandy."
Who cares?
[Knocking at the door]
How did I not know about these?
Oh.
Trick or treat.
Oh, hey, Mulaney. Hey, old Lady Lapidus.
What are you supposed to be?
Mm, I figured out the one thing
teens don't like to be around
more than anything: A little brother!
[Laughs] No teen's gonna come near me.
And just to be extra safe, I
found a list of houses online
that no one under 18 is
allowed to go within 50 feet of.
So you went to sex offender
houses dressed like that?
Yeah, yeah, things got weird.
Anyway, give me candy!
All right, let's see what we got here.
- Egg salad.
- Ooh.
- Cold cuts.
- [Laughs]
Pickles.
[Laughs] All right, deli food, yes.
All right, I should go.
It's time for me to stop cutting
corners and sit down and do some writing.
So we'll summon Mr. Lapidus' ghost.
You'll get more jokes from him, and then,
I'll capture him in this bag.
There's some pellets in
there... For him to eat.
Let's begin.
Are you there, Mr. Lapidus?
- It said yes.
- Oh, my God.
Mr. Lapidus, how are
men different than women?
B-i-t-c-h-e-s,
"Bitches." B-e...
Motif, are you moving it?
Because this sounds like your voice.
No. It's him!
Who is this?
M-o-t-i-f.
Damn, you got me.
This is hopeless.
I need real living old people
to write this many jokes.
But where am I gonna find
a group like that tonight?
Oh, good-bye.
I'm sorry the catering
hasn't arrived yet, everyone.
Hey, everyone! Great Shiva.
So real quick,
do any of you have any
funny takes on marriage,
lawyers, or cab drivers
who can't speak English?
This is no time for jokes.
We're all very hungry.
All right, how hungry are you?
I just told you, very.
Well, you know I was at the burial.
It was very nice.
We buried him with his medals from the war
and a thick notebook in his pocket.
Wait, what?
Did you say Lapidus was
buried with a notebook?
Yes, and on the cover, it said "jokes."
I guess we'll never know what was inside.
[Knocking at the door]
Oh, hello.
Oh, hey.
Mintz, what are you doing here?
Are you trick-or-treating?
No, I'm begging. Lou fired me today.
I don't know what I'm gonna
do. I have three teenage girls.
Now they're gonna break up with me.
I can't believe Lou fired you.
Wow, he is not kidding around.
I'll be okay.
Hey, is there anything I
can do for or to you for $5?
Oscar, which way is the graveyard?
God, it's almost 40 minutes to midnight.
Why did I stop to buy flowers?
That wasn't even the point of this.
[Thunder]
♪
This one of those midnight movies
in a graveyard for hipsters?
Yeah.
That sounds fun.
♪
Hello? Lou?
Hello?
Lou, are you here?
[Lou imitates whooshing]
- Look who it is.
- [Sighs]
Why are you covered in dirt?
I was shoveling dirt for a few
seconds before I realized it was insane
and took too much upper body strength.
Lou, I didn't write those jokes.
A dead man named Anthony Lapidus did.
I stole his jokes, and I lied to you
because I'm very afraid of losing this job.
John, you lied.
And you have no material
for me to use next week.
What do you have to say for yourself?
How about if, instead of doing jokes,
we pick a top-40 song
and you do a lip sync
at the beginning of the show?
Awesome. Love it.
Your contract is renewed.
I'm not fired? That was that easy?
John, you spent the week scheming
and lying just to keep me happy.
I don't respect what you did,
but I certainly can
exploit someone like you.
Thank you, Lou.
And hey,
I know you like to keep
things pretty tense around here
this time of year, but happy Halloween.
No one's ever said that to me before.
Really?
[Shaky voice] My... my mother and father
divorced on Halloween.
- On Halloween?
- Yes!
- [Sobbing]
- Oh, come here.
Oh, you poor thing. Oh, that makes sense.
Okay. The ghost is gone.
Must have found peace after you
told Lou the truth about his jokes.
On an unrelated matter, we have mice.
[Door closes]
I decided I'm not ready
to get my own place.
I want to grow up but not
without my two best friends.
The landlord didn't buy your story, did he?
I had no chance.
Oh, the Motif Show.
I've actually heard this is good.
Man, what a crazy week,
and to think it all started
because I wanted to honor Lapidus' memory.
You didn't want to honor his
memory. You wanted to save your job.
I guess sometimes good intentions
can have unintended consequences.
But you had bad intentions.
Life's funny, isn't it?
Not really.
But at least you didn't
actually rob his grave.
Ha ha. Yeah.
[Spooky music]
Yeah, that's right.
♪
_
[Thunder]
_
[Sighs] Last stop of the night.
Then I'll hide this bag
where no teen will ever look,
in a keg of beer, meant for those over 21.
- Trick or treat!
- (Mrs. Tuchman) A grandson!
(Bunny) And he's got deli food!
(Mrs. Tuchman) My favorite
thing with my favorite thing!
(Bunny) Get his bag!
No! Elderly teens!
Halloween's a pretty sexual holiday.
People get dressed up in all
sorts of degrading outfits.
All holidays are a little sexual.
Christmas has the mistletoe,
new year's Eve has drunken sex,
and Valentine's day has obligatory sex.
The only holiday that's not
sexual at all is Thanksgiving.
There's nothing sexy about Thanksgiving.
You wear brown and tan clothing,
and you eat brown and tan food,
and then after dinner, you
and your family play charades,
and everyone's farting.
I like to watch a lot of
horror movies on Halloween.
Horror villains have changed
over the years in movies.
They're a lot more scary, and
they're a lot less wealthy.
Like, Dracula and
Frankenstein lived in castles.
I'm pretty sure the last two saw movies
took place in a gas station bathroom.
Halloween is the least sentimental holiday.
No one's ever like,
"oh, I should give mom a call."
Every year since pop died,
she never goes out on Halloween
dressed as a Power Ranger to take ecstasy.
[Upbeat music]
Mulaney: S01E03 Halloween
(Motif) Mulaney is filmed in front
of a live studio audience, okay?
I wonder how the custom of
carving pumpkins started.
So hundreds of years ago in
Ireland, gourds were used...
That is so funny... as soon as you
started, I was like, "ah, I don't care."
Guys, look at this.
I was practicing stand-up
in my room, and you see that?
The cabinet closes on its own.
I think my room is haunted.
Motif, that's probably a mouse,
and it shut the cabinet 'cause
it was sick of your material.
Impossible.
I was doing a lot of
anti-cat stuff that mice love.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I mean, I believe in an
afterlife, and I believe in a God,
I believe that that God
doesn't want me to have sex,
but ghosts...
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hello.
I'm here to invite you to a Shiva.
- A Shiva?
- You know,
in judaism, when someone dies,
the community sits Shiva in their memory.
It gives the living a
chance to make the death
all about themselves.
It's for Mr. Lapidus.
That might be my ghost!
Hey, Oscar, did this Lapidus
guy like to close cabinets?
More than anything in the world.
Mr. Lapidus from 502.
- He died?
- Two days ago.
This was the guy that was always trying
to talk to me about comedy, remember?
He even gave me a notebook once
of jokes that he wrote, and
he asked for my feedback.
I just made up excuses.
God, it would have meant so much to him
if I had just taken the time to listen.
I know what you mean. I
had a person once who was...
I am so sorry, Oscar, I
don't have time right now.
Hey, Mulaney, you should do all his jokes
in your next stand-up set as a tribute.
Yeah, that's a good
idea. I'm gonna do that.
I mean, I bet Mr. Lapidus'
jokes are terrible.
I just hope people don't
think that I've become a hack.
Oh, I think that ship has sailed.
Do you know what the real tragedy is?
No one can inherit his rent-controlled
one-bedroom apartment, and
it was only $40 a month.
$40? What?
You guys, I have to get that apartment.
Let's take a moment of
silence for Mr. Lapidus.
Of course, that's a nice idea.
[Phone vibrating]
[Phone beeping]
[Phone chiming]
(Carly Rae Jepsen on a ringtone)
♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ and this is crazy,
but here's my number ♪
Sorry, I should take this.
Hey, Lou, you wanted to see me?
John, as you know, I am a perfectionist.
I know people think, "oh, Lou Cannon,
he's just a game show host.
He just stands there
as contestants wager on
whether celebrity guests
can answer trivia questions
correctly backstage."
I've always been a
little curious about that.
The contestants, they're
betting on whether celebrities...
Look, I have no idea how the game works.
The point of it is, I
am so mad at the writers.
- The writers? I'm one of the writers.
- None of them can deliver day in, day out.
Just to be clear, are you talking
about the other writers or me or...
It's like they don't even know that
their contracts are about to expire.
- Our contracts are about to expire?
- October 31st.
October 31st? You fire people on Halloween?
I felt like the holiday was
getting a little watered down.
I wanted to make it feel scary again.
It's important that my
staff respect holidays.
Yeah, on good Friday, he tells
everyone the show is cancelled,
and then on easter, we get
a text that "it has risen."
By the way, John, I'm a little
disappointed with this monologue.
- What else have you written?
- Oh, um...
Don't tell me these are the only
jokes that you have written all day.
- What's in your notebook?
- Oh, that's actually not my...
There's tons of jokes in here.
"If found, please return
to Anthony Lapidus."
That's funny.
But I wouldn't open with it, but...
The rest of these are great.
Thank you. I wrote those.
I like your large, shaky cursive.
[Chuckles]
Lofty, put those in the prompter.
It's showtime.
[Stammers]
Oh, my God, I have no idea
what's in that notebook.
Mary Jo, what are the odds that an
89-year-old dead garment salesman
writes great jokes?
[Laughs]
I think you're done for.
[Cheers and applause]
Hello, everybody, and welcome. Welcome.
[Laughs]
You know, I figured out how to make sure
the TSA never sees me naked.
I married them.
[Laughter]
But seriously, I was married 65 years.
My wife's idea of romance,
a night under the stars.
You know, Clark Gable, Cary Grant.
[Laughter]
Not bad, Mr. Lapidus, not bad.
Well, bad, but they are working.
So I figured out how to inherit
a rent-controlled apartment.
I just have to say I'm
Lapidus' common-law wife.
Jane, who's gonna believe that
you were married to Lapidus?
I have the perfect plan, okay?
I'm gonna leave my stuff
all around his apartment,
Photoshop myself into all his pictures,
and send this death notice to the paper.
- Look.
- Oh, let's see.
"Anthony Lapidus was
born September 5, 1926,
in East Brunswick, New Jersey,
and died in his sleep Sunday night,
leaving behind his young,
supportive, thin girlfriend
of however many years it
takes to be a common-law wife.
In lieu of flowers, send
gift cards for Sephora
- and places like that."
- "Like that."
I need to get this ghost on film.
There's been more strange phenomena.
Last night, I was having sex with a girl,
and she only had one orgasm. [Scoffs]
Hey, how was your tribute?
I actually I ended up
giving Lapidus' jokes to Lou,
and they killed. I think it saved my job.
You took the credit for a dead man's jokes?
That's stealing.
No wonder Lapidus is haunting us.
I haven't seen such lack of
respect for ghosts since...
Ray Parker, Jr.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean about the stealing.
I couldn't follow the rest
of what you were saying.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna tell Lou
the truth about those jokes.
I just hope he doesn't fire me.
[Knocking at the door]
But for the record, I'm not doing this
because I believe your
room is haunted, all right?
There's no such thing as ghosts.
- Hey, Andre.
- Hey, Mulaney.
I wanted to show you my
new Halloween costume.
- It's a little generic.
- What?
Oh! Sorry.
My mom was painting, so
she put this drop over me.
Every Halloween since I was little,
teenagers would beat me
up and steal my candy,
but I have a plan this year.
I'm going as a colorful
paper-mache donkey,
and I'm going to hide all
the candy inside the costume.
- [Chuckles]
- All right.
So you're afraid of kids beating you up
and stealing your candy, and
your plan is to be a piñata?
Wow!
[Door closes]
My own apartment.
Just for me.
[Gentle music]
♪ A bathroom that's just mine ♪
♪ it's like I'm all grown up ♪
♪ no comedians anywhere ♪
♪ and look, non-plastic cup ♪
Fancy.
♪ Old pill bottles just for me ♪
♪ noisy couches ♪
[plastic squealing]
♪ Tiny TV ♪
♪ a phone with buttons so big ♪
♪ I can dial with my thumb ♪
♪ LBJ pins in every drawer ♪
♪ and the temperature's always ♪
♪ 94 ♪
♪ there's a string that I can pull ♪
♪ and an ambulance will come! ♪
[Siren wails]
♪ My chair reclines
like a carnival ride ♪
♪ as I sleep with my feet
up, teeth by my side ♪
♪ in my own grown-up apartment ♪
♪ my uncomfortably hot apartment ♪
♪ just for ♪
♪ me ♪
And... Oh, my God, so many roaches.
Hey, Lou, I need to talk to
you about those jokes yesterday.
Hold on, I'm threatening
to fire this idiot writer.
I am so mad at you, so mad.
You strut around here like some Alpha male,
but when it comes to
writing, you give me nothing,
and then you come up with these excuses,
like, "oh, my grandmother's
in the hospital."
Well, I phoned the hospital, and
there's no one there under her name.
That's because she died.
A bad writer and a liar.
Why can't you write good jokes
and be honest like Mulaney?
He's like a funny George Washington.
Movie idea: Funny character
in some sort of a situation.
Possibly outer space.
Back to Mulaney.
I mean, the guy writes authentic material
about his struggles with mothers-in-law
and dumb Polish people.
I just write what I know.
[Chuckles]
Aw, look at the guilty look in his eye.
Truly talented people
always think they're a fraud.
It's like my buddy, O.J.
The guy's a heisman trophy winner,
but he always has this look
like he did something wrong.
[Laughs]
John, you're the real deal.
I can't wait to read more
of those jokes tomorrow.
- More of those jokes, right.
- Yeah.
May I say something?
What?
I like your outer space idea.
Hey, Jane, have you seen any more
notebooks of jokes lying around?
I need to give Lou more
of that Lapidus magic.
Wait, who's Lapidus again?
Your husband.
Oh, right. Aw, I miss him.
Anyway, I searched the whole apartment,
- looking for memories...
- You were looking for money.
To remember him by,
and while doing that, I found these jokes.
Oh, wow. There's so many here.
This is gonna last me, like, a week.
Thanks, Jane. All right,
I'm going home. You coming?
John, this is my home.
Look at me, I'm finally
living like an adult.
- ♪ The meals, they're on wheels, and... ♪
- Okay, I don't care. I gotta go.
What are we watching?
I set up a camera in my
room 24/7 to catch the ghost.
This footage of you is oddly compelling.
I've been watching me for hours.
It's like the black house of cards.
Oh, this is the part where
I go look for my charger.
No spoilers!
Still haven't seen Lapidus, though.
Maybe he calmed down after you told Lou
the truth about his jokes.
Oh, yeah, I didn't actually do that,
but I promise I will as
soon as my contract is safe.
- Mulaney, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Why?
- You're masturbating.
Oh.
It appears I am.
I must have forgotten there was a camera.
You're waving to the camera.
(Motif on TV) 'Sup, New York?
Oh, so that's how you do it.
[Chuckles]
That's not a casserole
That's a "casse-run-away."
[Laughter]
I can't believe Lou just did every
single joke I gave him in one show.
And now there's only ten seconds
left to play the whole game.
Round one.
And that's our show!
Three-way tie, zero points.
Happy Halloween!
Cue the spooky thunder.
Damn it, Vinny! I said
cue the spooky thunder!
God, I hate this show!
Hi, Lou. [Laughs] Great show.
Cool Austin Powers costume.
Bup bup bup! Austin Powers is trademarked.
The bag this came in
said, "Groovy Super Spy."
So, Lou, uh, I know my
contract expires today.
John, you've been doing great work.
I just burned through
every joke you gave me.
Keep it up, and I'm
sure you'll get renewed.
Keep it up? But today's the 31st.
Right, seven hours before
your contract expires.
Why don't you bring me some more of
this dynamite material before then?
[Chuckles] And if I don't, I'm fired?
[Laughs] Oh, John,
no need to be this dramatic.
Just bring me a hundred jokes before
the stroke of midnight on Halloween.
[Thunder sound effects]
(Mary Jo) A little late
on the thunder, Vinny!
A hundred jokes, Lou, that might be tricky.
What's the problem? You
did write these, right?
'Cause if there's one thing
I hate, it's stolen comedy.
It's not shagadelic, and it
does not make me horny, baby.
Damn it, there's no more jokes here.
Wait, what's this?
"Dear Diary, today, we landed at normandy."
Who cares?
[Knocking at the door]
How did I not know about these?
Oh.
Trick or treat.
Oh, hey, Mulaney. Hey, old Lady Lapidus.
What are you supposed to be?
Mm, I figured out the one thing
teens don't like to be around
more than anything: A little brother!
[Laughs] No teen's gonna come near me.
And just to be extra safe, I
found a list of houses online
that no one under 18 is
allowed to go within 50 feet of.
So you went to sex offender
houses dressed like that?
Yeah, yeah, things got weird.
Anyway, give me candy!
All right, let's see what we got here.
- Egg salad.
- Ooh.
- Cold cuts.
- [Laughs]
Pickles.
[Laughs] All right, deli food, yes.
All right, I should go.
It's time for me to stop cutting
corners and sit down and do some writing.
So we'll summon Mr. Lapidus' ghost.
You'll get more jokes from him, and then,
I'll capture him in this bag.
There's some pellets in
there... For him to eat.
Let's begin.
Are you there, Mr. Lapidus?
- It said yes.
- Oh, my God.
Mr. Lapidus, how are
men different than women?
B-i-t-c-h-e-s,
"Bitches." B-e...
Motif, are you moving it?
Because this sounds like your voice.
No. It's him!
Who is this?
M-o-t-i-f.
Damn, you got me.
This is hopeless.
I need real living old people
to write this many jokes.
But where am I gonna find
a group like that tonight?
Oh, good-bye.
I'm sorry the catering
hasn't arrived yet, everyone.
Hey, everyone! Great Shiva.
So real quick,
do any of you have any
funny takes on marriage,
lawyers, or cab drivers
who can't speak English?
This is no time for jokes.
We're all very hungry.
All right, how hungry are you?
I just told you, very.
Well, you know I was at the burial.
It was very nice.
We buried him with his medals from the war
and a thick notebook in his pocket.
Wait, what?
Did you say Lapidus was
buried with a notebook?
Yes, and on the cover, it said "jokes."
I guess we'll never know what was inside.
[Knocking at the door]
Oh, hello.
Oh, hey.
Mintz, what are you doing here?
Are you trick-or-treating?
No, I'm begging. Lou fired me today.
I don't know what I'm gonna
do. I have three teenage girls.
Now they're gonna break up with me.
I can't believe Lou fired you.
Wow, he is not kidding around.
I'll be okay.
Hey, is there anything I
can do for or to you for $5?
Oscar, which way is the graveyard?
God, it's almost 40 minutes to midnight.
Why did I stop to buy flowers?
That wasn't even the point of this.
[Thunder]
♪
This one of those midnight movies
in a graveyard for hipsters?
Yeah.
That sounds fun.
♪
Hello? Lou?
Hello?
Lou, are you here?
[Lou imitates whooshing]
- Look who it is.
- [Sighs]
Why are you covered in dirt?
I was shoveling dirt for a few
seconds before I realized it was insane
and took too much upper body strength.
Lou, I didn't write those jokes.
A dead man named Anthony Lapidus did.
I stole his jokes, and I lied to you
because I'm very afraid of losing this job.
John, you lied.
And you have no material
for me to use next week.
What do you have to say for yourself?
How about if, instead of doing jokes,
we pick a top-40 song
and you do a lip sync
at the beginning of the show?
Awesome. Love it.
Your contract is renewed.
I'm not fired? That was that easy?
John, you spent the week scheming
and lying just to keep me happy.
I don't respect what you did,
but I certainly can
exploit someone like you.
Thank you, Lou.
And hey,
I know you like to keep
things pretty tense around here
this time of year, but happy Halloween.
No one's ever said that to me before.
Really?
[Shaky voice] My... my mother and father
divorced on Halloween.
- On Halloween?
- Yes!
- [Sobbing]
- Oh, come here.
Oh, you poor thing. Oh, that makes sense.
Okay. The ghost is gone.
Must have found peace after you
told Lou the truth about his jokes.
On an unrelated matter, we have mice.
[Door closes]
I decided I'm not ready
to get my own place.
I want to grow up but not
without my two best friends.
The landlord didn't buy your story, did he?
I had no chance.
Oh, the Motif Show.
I've actually heard this is good.
Man, what a crazy week,
and to think it all started
because I wanted to honor Lapidus' memory.
You didn't want to honor his
memory. You wanted to save your job.
I guess sometimes good intentions
can have unintended consequences.
But you had bad intentions.
Life's funny, isn't it?
Not really.
But at least you didn't
actually rob his grave.
Ha ha. Yeah.
[Spooky music]
Yeah, that's right.
♪
_
[Thunder]
_
[Sighs] Last stop of the night.
Then I'll hide this bag
where no teen will ever look,
in a keg of beer, meant for those over 21.
- Trick or treat!
- (Mrs. Tuchman) A grandson!
(Bunny) And he's got deli food!
(Mrs. Tuchman) My favorite
thing with my favorite thing!
(Bunny) Get his bag!
No! Elderly teens!