Mulaney (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Doula - full transcript

I can be uptight when it comes to...
what's it called... the human body.

I was once getting a massage,

and the masseuse told me
to undress to my comfort level.

Those were her words.

She said, "undress to your comfort level."

So I put on a sweater
and a pair of corduroy pants,

and I felt safe.

It's weird what bodily functions
are polite to talk about,

because every human being eats
and goes to the bathroom

and has sex, right, but of those three,

only eating is acceptable
to talk about in polite society,



and if you talk about the other two

while someone is eating,
they'll reprimand you.

They'll be like, "hey, we're eating here."

That never works the other way around.

No one's ever like,
"for our specials tonight,

we have tortellini with marinara sauce,"
and you're like, "do you mind?

I am trying to masturbate."

Mulaney: S01xE02
The Doula

Mulaney is filmed
in front of a live studio audience, okay?

It's gonna be 90 degrees today.

I walked three blocks
on my date last night,

and I was sweating
like a good Southern lawyer

arguing for the freedom of a poor man.

Ugh. It's so hot.



Motif, did you fix it?

I'm on the phone with the store about it.

Hello? If I have
a 1977 Delorean air conditioner

with no warranty
and I'm not the original owner,

can I exchange that for a new one?

Hey, so you went out again
with the Doula, right?

- How was it?
- It was really fun.

I like the Doula a lot.
I also like saying "Doula."

What's a Doula again?

A Doula provides women with
physical and emotional support

before, during, and after labor.

It's like paying someone to be your mom.

I thought that was a midwife.

No, no, no, Doulas are not
medical professionals.

Midwives have to go through
nursing courses in midwifery.

"Midwifery," that's a fun word to say.

Sounds like a ugly girl on downton ab.

Well, I'm glad you like the Doula

- and that you respect her work.
- I do.

I mean, I kind of change the subject
when we get into the Nitty Gritty.

"The Nitty Gritty"?

You know, the actual details of...

A woman bringing life into the world?

Yeah. What?

Hearing about childbirth can make
me really dizzy. I can even faint.

It all started in the seventh grade

when we watched
The Miracle of Life video.

All those 1980s actors

with their sperm
and their fallopian tubes.

I was out.

When I came to, I was lying on the floor,

looking up at a poster of Levar Burton

that said, "read."

You're afraid of vaginas.

I am not. I think they're great.

I feel about vaginas
the way I do about America.

I love it, but every once in a while,
it does things that disgust me.

And penis are like North Korea:

Hilarious, yet worrisome.

And now, let's move on
to round two: Cash grab.

Where our contestants shout out
the number of dollars they want.

But first, let's meet and greet, shall we?

What's your name, darling?

I'm Melanie Moore. I'm from Plano, Texas.

Ah. You don't look "Plano."

You should be from "Cute-o," Texas.

You're very beautiful.

I like your face and your body.

Hey, Mary Jo.

This show has a real problem.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I know
I haven't worked here for long,

but the game makes no sense, right?

Like, why even bother
answering questions in round one

if you can just demand
money in "cash grab"?

No, not that. The game is fine.

I was stage manager on Family Feud.

You try working on that
nightly race war for five years.

I mean we have a Lou problem.

He's getting too flirty
with the women, it's not good.

Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.

Mmm, I love how your makeup smells.

Hey, your mom's in the audience I'm told.

What fun. Hey, mom?

Stand up and take a bow, won't you?

Just turn around, and...

Touch your toes a little.

What is going on with him?

Well, he broke up with his
girlfriend a couple weeks ago.

Maybe he's a little,
you know, unfulfilled.

I haven't seen anyone that horny
since me at a Rush Concert.

Women on the crew don't like it.

It's stuff like this
that brought down Clinton.

Cut to eight years of republicans,

and I end up in Kabul.

You were in the marines?

- Yes, I was.
- Thank you for your service.

No problem.
Just get Lou cranked off, okay?

Take him out for a beer,
throw your arm around him

and say, "you need to get laid."

No, Lou and I do not have
that kind of relationship yet,

so I'm gonna need another solution.

Sometimes on a show, we'll hire a girl
and call her "creative producer."

It's a joke title for some skinny bitch
the host has sex with.

That's my title.
I'm the creative producer.

I know you were nervous about me
coming to see your stand-up show

- but you were so funny.
- Thank you.

And don't listen to that one lady.

You're not "white, uptight,
and wack as hell."

Oh, it's fine. I've heard that before.

Those exact words, in fact.

I needed a laugh too.

I doula-ed a really intense
home birth today.

And I would love to hear about it,

but I'm sure you can't violate
patient-doula privilege.

Oh, no, that's not a thing.

I'm free to describe what happened.

It makes me really happy
that we can talk about my job.

Yeah. No... yeah, I respect your work.

And you did listen
to my "Sinbad was rude" story.

That was pretty graphic.

Anyway, we knew going in
that her hips and birth canal

were really narrow,
and we knew the baby was huge.

The baby was huge.
Dilated 10 centimeters.

Dilated 10 centimeters.
Dilated 10 centimeters.

Heavy, bloody show.

Heavy, bloody show.
Heavy, bloody show.

Fully crowning.

Fully crowning, fully crowning,

fully crowning.

Have you read about these politics?

We got one minute break and
then another 3 hours of taping.

You stay in your seats!

So then I just went to the bathroom

and laid on the floor.

Man, it is hard to date a Doula.

John, the term is "African-American."

And listen, while we're on a break,
what is with all the changes to the show?

I mean, even my dressing room
has different snacks.

It's all soy ice cream and edamame.

You know, I heard
those lower testosterone.

Oh, really? I heard that they
make neck skin tighter.

Oh, really?

Well, then I'll have what I'm having.

And that's another thing.
I thought we were taping

sorority week with contestants
from 12 Florida safety schools.

Right, we were gonna,
but I thought instead,

- this might be a nicer idea.
- Oh.

We're back, people.

We're back with Veteran Week

here on Celebrity You Guessed It.

All elderly, male veterans.

And my apologies
to gamma gamma gamma girls

from Surf University.
We'll have you on real soon.

Did you get Lou to empty it out?

No, Mary Jo, but I found another solution,

you don't need to worry.

Do you want to pass
on the question or phone home?

I'll phone home to my daughter, Stacy.

She's a schoolteacher in Sarasota.

Oh, what fun.

Hello?

Hello, Stacy, you're
on Celebrity You Guessed It.

Hi there, I'm here to help.

Oh, Stacy. You sound like a...

Like a good girl.

Like a good...Daddy's girl.

I bet you drink all your milk

and really enjoy it, don't you, Stacy?

Look at what he managed to do.

Nature always finds a way.

Okay.

I'm good on my end. How are you guys?

- We're good.
- Good on our end, yeah.

Yeah. Back up.

- Okay.
- Okay, to the right.

Okay. All right, ready?

One, two, three, down.

- Yeah.
- Ohh!

Okay, now back up.

- Okay.
- Back up.

- Okay, okay.
- Back up.

- Back up.
- Okay.

Hey, guys.

Oh, thanks for carrying that up here.

Actually, we got it delivered.
You owe us $100.

Okay, I'll pay you back.

- Hello?
- It's Amanda.

Come on up.

You're gonna see the Doula again?

Yeah, but I'm afraid we're
gonna have to break things off.

I don't think I can be around someone
whose profession grosses me out.

Well, I live with two comedians,
so think of how I feel.

It's stuck.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm ready to go.
Do you mind if I wash my hands?

Why, what's on them?

- Just from the subway.
- Oh, right, yeah.

- Stop kicking it.
- Well, I gotta get it out.

- That's not how...
- How am I not gonna get it out...

- Hey, shut up over there, shut up.
- Okay, everybody calm down.

I think I can help.
He needs our support.

What's your name?

It's Motif.

Motif, look at me.
We're gonna get through this.

There's no need to panic.

The A.C. Unit is just larger
than the window frame.

You don't know what it's like back here.

You did this to me.

Motif, on the count of three,

I need you to give me one big push.

I don't know if I can.

- I'm so tired.
- Motif, you can do it.

Take a deep breath
and give me one big push.

It's caught on something.

The cord is wrapped
around the fire escape.

What's happening?

Oh, my God, is Motif gonna die?

Okay. Okay, everyone stay calm.

This is perfectly normal. Keep pushing.

I'm gonna unwrap the cord, and...

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh, you did so good, Motif!

You did so good.

Oh, my God, Amanda, that was amazing.

I can't believe you were
able to stay that calm.

Well, the most important
thing a Doula can do

is create a calm and serene environment

for the child to enter.

Also, it was just an air conditioner,

so I was calm and didn't care
what happened.

Yeah, but you knew that Motif was scared
and you were there for him.

Wow, Doulas are like superheroes.

- You should see a real birth sometime.
- I would love to.

You would?

Well, if you're serious,

a client of mine is inducing this Friday.

Yeah, but... but she probably wouldn't want
a stranger there, so...

Actually, it's my client's fifth baby,
so she's really chill about it.

Wow!

I've never had anyone there for support.

- Thank you!
- Uh...

Oh, well, you know,

a lot of guys would be
too squeamish, but not you.

No.

No, not me. Ha ha ha.

Well, you know what they say.

I sure hope I don't die before Friday.

Ohh.

Look at him.

Stop filming me, I look terrible.

- John.
- Hey, Lou.

Oh, no, is this some kind of
marionette thing you're into now?

No, my usual makeup girl is gone.

Where is Tiffany?
Where is Melissa in wardrobe?

Look at me.

I was styled for the show today

by some retired cop named Antony.

You want more face paint?

No, no, no, I'm good, thanks.

I am a dude, dude.

I want women putting makeup on me.

The women are on strike.
None of them will work

until you end
the hostile work environment.

Hostile? What are you
talking about hostile?

What about the staff conga line
yesterday that I started?

Miss thing here was supposed to tell you
to stop acting so horny on the show,

but he didn't, and now,
we're all on strike.

John, you knew about this?

Lou, I'm really sorry.

I thought it would be weird
to bring it up to you.

Is this less weird?

Look, what do you want me to say?
I'm uncomfortable talking to my boss

about sex, okay? I'm sorry.

Well, sorry will not change
the fact that I need an apology.

And the next time you hear
people talking about me

behind my back, you come to me
and tell me face-to-face,

'cause I am a man,
and I don't have to be treated

like a fragile, little thing.

Mama. What are you doing he...

I hate everyone here.

- Hey, Oscar.
- Oh, hello.

I'm headed up to 50th Street.

Sometimes, if I sit in a beach chair,

eventually, a block party will start.

How are things with Amanda?

Ugh, they're bad.

I have to watch her Doula
at a birth, and I'm gonna faint.

I'm gonna faint,
and Amanda's gonna be mad at me,

and the baby's gonna be mad at me,

and Amanda's gonna think
I'm afraid of vaginas,

and that can't be good for our chemistry.

John, everyone has things
that make them squeamish.

You may not know this,
but I'm a Jewish person,

and the first time I went
to a bris, I passed out.

- You did?
- When I saw the rabbi

put that cigar cutter
on that little cashew,

I was a goner.

Wow. Did you ever go to a bris again?

I had to. I get invited to one a week.

Everyone loves Oscar.

Yeah.

I decided to get
so used to going to brisses

that it would be no weirder than
seeing a friend get a haircut.

You watch your friends get haircuts?

Of course.

You should learn as much
as you can about childbirth

until you no longer are worried about it.

Do you really think that will work?

It worked for me.
Now, when I go to a bris,

I just laugh and laugh.

Of course, I'm normally very stoned.

We're here for you, Mulaney.

When we're done with you,
you'll be as comfortable

with childbirth as you are
with those sex murders

you watch on cable all day long.

I guess it's all the circle of life,

from birth to murder.

Okay, Motif, let's just
start with the basics.

"The journey to birth begins
at menstruation..."

Oh, God.

"When women experience shedding
in the uterine lining."

Oh, "shedding," that's the word
that always got me.

Oh, g... Jane, before you get mad,

all love and respect
to women and their bodies.

I know you have to
go through that every month.

Actually, between high school
gymnastics and birth control,

sometimes, I don't get it
for an entire season.

I'm on kind of a game of thronescycle.

Winter is coming,
but, like, not for a while.

"In certain births,
Doulas will have to assist

in an episiotomy when the... "

What? What is it?

If the baby can't squeeze out,
they cut area between...

- Manhattan and Brooklyn?
- Yes!

Oh, my God! This is horrible!

How did my mother never
tell me about this?

I'm going to call that woman
tonight and tear her a new one.

Oh, John, I already did.

Jane, what if that lady tomorrow
has an episiotomy?

I will die. I will die right there...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
"Episiotomy's" just a word.

Episiotomy? Episiotomy!

Yeah, episiotomy, it's just a word.

It sounds like a little
Italian man, Mr. Episiotomy.

- Yeah.
- And he...

and he sweeps up
in front of his store, and...

yeah, and he has two daughters
he's very proud of.

Yeah, yeah, hey, Mr. Episiotomy,
why you-a never smile?

Yeah, uh, "because they cut-a
between my vagina and my anus."

Sorry.

This is rough.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken
Oscar's advice.

Why are we doing this?

The woman is placed in stirrups,

and the miracle of life
is almost complete.

You made it 20 minutes into the movie.

You might be cured, Mulaney.

How do you not get waxed
before making a video like this?

A little further, Jane!

A little further, Motif. We got this.

All right, one, two, three. Ohh.

- Hey, Andre.
- Hey.

Mulaney, you were helping too.

Yes.

Mother and father hold hands

as mom pushes for the final time.

Hey, those are my parents.

Those are your parents.

Yeah, that's my mom right there

with the redheaded baby coming out of her.

- What are you watching?
- That's Andre.

Andre is the miracle of life baby.

Oh, my God. I'm a little miracle,

and my parents wanted
to share me with the world.

I don't want to look at it.

Sharon, you have to hold the baby

he could grow up very weird if
he doesn't get the right love.

I don't care. I don't love him.

You okay?

I can't believe it spiked to 100 degrees.

I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Well, I feel great, and I almost forgot,

I brought a container for the placenta.

The placenta sac is filled with nutrients.

It's very important to keep it.

Wow, you're like a Doula apprentice.

Well, whatever helps to create
a calm and serene atmosphere

for the baby to enter.

Nothing's going to spoil this moment.

Wow, a home birth.

You know, they come out real slimy.

Not all cute like on Murphy Brown.

Lou.

The worst thing someone can do
at a birth is panic,

but I am very concerned that you are here.

Well, your roommates told me
where you'd be.

I came to apologize, John.

Is that Lou Cannon?

Hey, congrats, mama.

I have four kids myself.
The birth is the hard part.

After that, they kind of
raise themselves, you know?

So anyway, I-I feel terrible,

because you were put
in an awkward situation.

I mean, it's hard to talk
to your boss about s-e-x.

I appreciate that, Lou,
but now's a very bad time.

Lana, I can see his head.
Just give me one big push.

And of course, I was behaving
indelicately on the show,

- and I...
- shh, shh, shh, Lou,

we need to create a quiet,
serene space for the baby.

Fyi, I took care

of the release problem.
Special thanks to Mary Jo.

Mmm.

What? What did Mary Jo do?

Well, it's what we did together.

In fact, we've got
the video of it to prove it.

- That's right.
- Rawr.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You're naked, and...

- Uh, Mary Jo...Is naked and...

I have to go.

There he is, your boy.

Hi there! You know who I am?

I'm Lou Cannon!