Mulaney (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Growing up is weird, though.

Like I'm 30 now, and I have

this new phenomenon in my life where,
late at night, when I'm on the street,

women will look at me like I'm a threat.

- [Scattered laughter]
- Yeah, that is funny.

It's also weird, because I'm
still afraid of being kidnapped.

But once, I walking towards the subway

at 2:00 in the morning...
Walking towards the subway,

and there was this woman in front of me,

and she was walking along,
but she kept giving me,

like, the "over the shoulder," like that.



And then she started to walk a lot faster.

So I thought, oh, she must
hear the train coming.

Or maybe she feels it in her feet
like a native American in a movie.

So I started to sprint
towards the subway at her,

and she looked back
and she was like, "aah!"

And then she gives chase,
so now we're booking it

towards the subway at 2:00 in the morning,

and I'm gaining on her.
And I'm gaining on her,

and we're getting to the end
of the subway hallway,

and she goes into that "dead end shuffle,"
you know, that women do when you chase 'em,

and I'm almost at her. I'm almost at her,

and then it dawns on me,
"oh, she's running from me,

because in her eyes, I'm an adult.

And adults murder each other."



So I wanted to go up to her and be like,
"Hey, no, I'm not a man."

But I think that that would be
equally creepy...

Is if you were in a subway
at 2:00 in the morning

and I chased you down,
grabbed you and said,

"I'm not gonna kill you. I'm a little boy."

SO1EO1
Pilot

(Man) Mulaney is filmed
in front of a live studio audience, okay?

Thanks for coming with me, Motif.

It's no problem, I was free.

Hey, can I be your emergency contact?

Yeah, I mean, I normally put my mom,
but I guess we're roommates. Let's do it.

It's also good promotion for me.

Matter of fact,
don't put my phone number down,

Oh, and write down
they should skip my intro.

Yeah.

All right. Why am I at the doctor?

Oh, "frequent urination."
That's a good fake reason.

I thought you wanted
to ask the doctor for Xanax.

Well, I do, but I can't just come right out
and ask a doctor for Xanax, Motif.

Looks shady when you're
honest with doctors.

I need to make up a reason to be here

and then let the doctor check me out

and then when he's done I say offhandedly,
"oh, and you know what?

Sometimes I get nervous on airplanes."

Bam, Xanax.

What do you need Xanax for anyway?

I'm anxious all the time,
like, in every situation.

Like, I've noticed lately,
this is my regular speaking voice.

- Mm-hmm.
- I go into a whole different speaking voice

when I'm in a public bathroom

and someone suddenly knocks on the door,

and that voice is,

[high, whiny] "Someone's in here!

Someone's in here!"

As if they're gonna be like, "oh, I think
there's a carnival barker in there.

I think someone's trying
to drum up business

- for a carnival."
- [Laughs]

Plus today, I have a meeting
with Lou Cannon.

- That's right! TV's Lou Cannon.
- TV's Lou Cannon.

You get a job with him writing, you're set!

That dude is so talented, he's rich!

Yeah, all the more reason to be anxious.

Oh, did I tell you
about this new joke I wrote?

- What's the joke?
- Okay, okay,

okay. [Chuckles]

It's about like how there's, like, women...

But then, there are, like, problem bitches.

Is there more?

- That's all I have so far.
- All right.

I am not crazy!

Hi, Jane.

Why are you walking into rooms
yelling, "I am not crazy?"

It's not fair, okay?

When a guy wants to destroy a woman,

all he has to do is call her crazy,
even if she has every right to be angry.

Hey, men get called crazy too.

Yeah, but people like it
when a man's crazy.

We have recordings of Christian Bale

screaming like a lunatic,
and people are impressed.

They're like, "oh, my God,
he's so passionate

about his process."

Meanwhile there is a rumor that
Katherine Heigl is difficult,

and she's, like, dead.

So who called you crazy, Janey?

Dustin emailed that new girl he's dating
and was like, "my ex-girlfriend is crazy."

[Scoffs]

And how did you see that email?

He... should change...

- His password.
- Oh, my God.

You have got to stop that stuff.

You're gonna get caught.
It's so irresponsible.

Now then, I have to go lie to this doctor

so that I am drugged-up enough
for my job interview.

I'll be back.

So, Mr. Mulaney, how many times
a day are you urinating?

Oh. Um...

11.

Crazy, right? But what can you do?

Anyway, Doctor, sometimes,
on airplanes, I've been...

W-wait, hold on,
you're urinating 11 times a day?

Was that too many times to say?

Sounds like the problem
could be in your prostate.

Do me a favor, come over here...

Drop your pants.

Oh, this isn't what I thought.

I should probably get going.
I have a job interview.

Mr. Mulaney, you are peeing an
alarming number of times a day.

There is no way you're leaving
here without a prostate exam.

Oh, not on your hands, on your elbows.

- Oh, I...
- There we go.

I liked the way I was standing
before, actually.

It had more dignity to it.

All right, now, you're
going to feel a little pressure.

I guess this might as well happen.

Adult life is so weird.

Oh, and doctor, sometimes
I get nervous on...

O-o-ohh!

You let the Doctor do what?

Never mind. You wouldn't understand.

No, I wouldn't.
I don't let people put things in me.

All right, look,
what floor is Lou Cannon on?

- 25th floor penthouse.
- Thank you.

(Lou) And now here's your host.
You guessed it, Lou Cannon!

- [Laughs]
- Thank you! Thank you!

- You're very kind, and right.
- [Laughs]

Confidence, confidence,
elegance under fire.

- Hello?
- One second.

You're all here, even the young people.

"Hashtag." [Chuckles]

- Who are you?
- I'm John Mulaney.

We have a meeting today
about writing for your show.

- Oh, Donna?
- Yes, Lou?

Do I have a meeting with a "Jay Mulaylay?"

Yes, he's the comedian
that's on the Internet.

Oh, that one.

1,200 views, very impressive.

And do you write all those
little mean things below?

No, those are my fans.

Ah.

You're a messy little person, ain't ya?

I'm sorry, I am kind of a mess today, I...

The subway was running late,
then when I got off,

on the sidewalk, there was a wheelchair

just knocked over on its side
with no one in it.

That's a bad thing to see.

Something happened there.

You hope it was a miracle...

But probably not.

[Laughs]

Hey, finally throwing out
your ex-boyfriend's stuff.

I'm proud of you, girl.

Well, I was going to burn it,
but that would be too romantic.

When did he leave this stuff?
You always stayed over there.

Oh, no, no, no.
This is stuff I took from him,

you know, to make him a better,
less embarrassing person.

A person the new girlfriend gets
to enjoy while I get no credit.

I mean, look at this.

A hoodie vest?

A statue of Buddha?

I'm sorry, you're from Maryland
and you yell at video games,

you're not a Buddhist.

Okay, okay, okay, let's just
show some respect, please.

This hoodie vest is tight.

Now if I could only
un-remember his email password.

"Guyritchie5."

Let me change his email password,

and I won't tell you what it is.
Ah, I got something too.

I will pry it out of you.

- Try me.
- I'll show you my butt.

That's the password!

Johnny...

Do people call you "Johnny"?

'Cause they shouldn't.

John...

I'm gonna make a speech,
and I want you to listen to me.

I am 45 years old.

And I have an Emmy award,

and when you put it against to this mirror,
it looks like I have two Emmy awards.

Two Emmys and a Daytime Tony.

Now, John, I can show you
how to get where I am,

that is, if you're ready to learn.

Honestly, Mr. Cannon,
I have been very anxious lately

that I'm almost 30 and I've
never had a real job in comedy,

and if you give me the chance
to work for you, sir,

I promise I can do an excellent job.

Aw....

That sincerity will take you
right to the middle.

Donna, he's hired.

Mazel Tov.

Now, listen, I have a benefit
next Wednesday.

Maybe you can help me with it
and be my opening act.

Open for you? Oh, my God, are you serious?
That would be incredible.

Yeah, yeah, it'd be a big deal for you.

Yeah.

It's for the Marsha Foundation.

It's a breast cancer walk I founded.
I named it after my hairdresser, Marsha.

Oh... oh, I'm sorry. Did she pass away?

No, she wasn't even sick.
I just thought she'd get a kick out of it.

(All) Hey!

Guess who's working for Lou Cannon?

You got the job? Young mula!

- Come here, man.
- Yeah.

Aw!

(Both) All right.

Yeah, it's really cool.
I can finally tell my parents

that my jokes are gonna be on TV.

Hey, did you mention my name?

Oh, of course, we talked
about you the whole time.

Mulaney, that old guy from across the hall,
he came by looking for you.

Oh, Oscar, that's right.

I'm supposed to fill his humidifiers.

He has one in the bedroom
and one in the living room,

and they're really deep,
so you have to fill them up in the bathtub.

God, we're all just gonna die one day.

Anyway, I'm sure he'll
understand... you're busy now.

Yeah, speaking of,
Motif, can you help me out?

I was supposed to do a spot
on that Hudson River Cruise Show

next week, but now I gotta work for Lou.

Can you fill in for me? 75 bucks.

Yeah, no problem, man.

It'll give me a chance
to sell my new t-shirts.

Bah!

"Problem bitch."

Like the joke you haven't written yet?

No doubt.

[Knocking at the door]

I have bad news, guys. It's Andre.

It's Andre.

Why is he here?

I can't just stop by without telling you?

No, that is not how drug dealers work.

- What's her problem?
- Oh, she's just going through a break-up.

Also, you're very unpleasant.

Jane, you are single?

- Too close.
- Okay.

You know, I don't plan
on selling weed forever.

As soon as my grandma dies
and my parents die,

I'm coming into quite a bit of money.

[Chuckles]

Jane, you should have Andre
change Dustin's email password.

Good idea, because then, if I
want to find out what it is,

I'll have to talk to Andre,

- which I'd never do.
- Which you'd never do.

[Laughs]

John Mulaney, where do you come from?

What's your background?
Do you have family, siblings?

I actually have two sisters.

They live back in Chicago
with my mom and my...

It's a yes or no question.
Come on, let's get to work.

Absolutely. I know you have a taping today.

I stayed up last night
and wrote a lot of jokes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Normally, I don't work with writers,

so I think first you have to learn
how to write for my voice, okay?

Like, I'm very smart,

but it doesn't mean I can't be silly.

I like fast, fast, fast setups
and slow punch lines.

Like, a good joke for me would be...

[Fast gibberish]...

[Slowly] "Bwah, bwah."

[Chuckles]

Like, there's a joke I did
in my one-man show,

"Divorce and other aphrodisiacs."

- Did you ever see it?
- I'm sorry, I didn't, actually.

Okay, good, well, I'll perform it
from the beginning for you.

Black stage, spot on me.

By the time I hit puberty,
I knew I was in trouble.

The year, 1982.

- The city, Duluth.
- _

"you did good, kid.
I think you're going places,"

the club owner said to me.

All I could do is smile.

Blackout, end of show. [Chuckles]

Okay, so you go on in three minutes.

Do you want to read my jokes?

Oh...

John, I don't need you
to write jokes for me,

I really don't.

- Then what am I doing here?
- Oh, that's funny.

"What am I doing here?" I'll use that.

Hey, we're really vibing, huh?

And if it wasn't for me, you'd be stuck
bombing on that cruise show tonight.

See, everyone knows a problem bitch.

If you don't know one,
then you are the problem bitch.

[Laughter and applause]

Yeah, I never write anything.
Lou just talks at me for hours.

It's like he's trying to torture me
and I'm his best friend.

Oh, I miss my sorority.

Well, at least
you're getting to open for him

- at this "Marsha" thing.
- Yeah, it is a big show.

What are you doing here, by the way,
'cause I know it's not to support me.

I know, right?
No, Dustin lives on this street.

- Ugh!
- No, no, no,

it's good, John.
I came here to get closure.

You know, let him see that I've moved on.

I'm doing a walk-a-thon.

I mean, would a woman
with nothing in her life

immerse herself in charity work?

Eh, maybe she would. Yeah...[Mutters].

All right, I'm gonna walk
by his window one last time.

- Have fun.
- [Cell phone ringing]

-Hello?
- John, it's Donna, Lou Cannon's assistant.

- Hi, Donna, how are you?
- Blessed.

So Lou has a special announcement

he wants you to read
to get the crowd warmed up.

No problem.

All right, everybody. Who's ready to laugh?

- [Cheers and applause]
- Yeah!

I can't hear you.

That's not true, of course,
but cheer louder.

- Yeah.
- [Cheers and applause]

Okay.

"Lou Cannon cannot be here today,

so there will be no show!" What?

[Crowd murmuring]

"But good news... for only $25,

you can take a V.I.P. Photo
with Lou's cardboard replica."

[Cheers and applause]

What the hell just happened?

Hey, John. Hey, Lou.

- What's with the dirt?
- I yanked these flowers

- out of Dustin's window box.
- What?

I planted them last year.

He and his new girlfriend think
they get to enjoy them?

Uh, yeah, no. They're mine!

- Jane, I thought you wanted closure.
- I wanted justice, white boy,

and I am one step closer.

- Oh, my God, Dustin's home.
- Oh, God.

I gotta hit the bricks.

Oh... scatter!

Hey, I need that lapel mic back.

I can't remember the last time
I've been this humiliated.

- Undo your belt a little and bend over.
- Sure thing. [Sighs]

Not on your hands, on your elbows.

Now I can remember.

I'm sorry Lou canceled on you, man.

I'm having a rough week too.

I sold out of my "problem bitch" t-shirts.

You sold 150 t-shirts
that say "problem bitch"?

It was that cruise.

I knew my jokes could
conquer land... but sea?

[Scoffs]

So what's wrong?

I don't have an ending for that joke yet.

"Problem bitch" is out there
in the Zeitgeist now, and...

I figure I have an 18-hour window

before people realize
they're laughing at nothing.

You guys. You guys, listen to this email
Dustin sent his new girlfriend.

"Subject: Bad news." Ah! Okay.

"So, psycho..." That's me.

"Showed up today and ripped out
the flowers she planted."

That I planted. He gave me the credit.

Listen. New girl writes back

and says he should call the cops.

He says, and I quote, "relax."

She tells him he has no balls.

Then he writes, "do you know what you are?

"A problem bitch. I almost miss Jane,

because crazy calms down,
but a problem bitch is forever."

- My joke has an ending!
- And I have closure!

- Life is okay! Come here!
- We did it!

[Growls]

Hello.

How did you even read that email?

I thought that Andre had the password.

He did.

Oh, yuck.

But then she begged me for it, John.

She said she'd do anything,

and I said, "very well, let me
hang out at your apartment."

[Chuckles]

Oh, I should have asked for more.

[Phone ringing]

Hello, Donna.

No, don't worry, you're not on speaker.

Oh, you prefer to be? Okay.

Hi, John. Lou wants to see you.

He has another job for you.

Oh, what happened?

Did cardboard Lou kill an escort?

I know it's hard, John.

I was a writer too before I got promoted.

I'm not confident now.
I was confident when I was a kid.

Like, I'm straight,

but I was definitely gay
when I was a little boy.

A lot of little boys are gay.
You know, they're very flowy

and they have strong opinions on things.

I don't mean that I was
a sexually active gay man

when I was a child,
that's not what I'm saying.

I was more like a 70-year-old gay man

who's kind of over it sexually, you know?

I was like an old Queen.

Like, I would go out to recess and be like,

"everyone get outta my way.

I just wanna sit here and feed my birds."

The gym teacher would tell me
to play kick ball,

and I'd be like, "you want me to do what?"

- Oh, hello.
- Hi, Oscar.

I'm giving the fern a time-out.
He's being a real diva today.

You don't look so good.
Come in and have some tea.

Oh, Oscar, I'd love to,

but I have to get back to my dream job.

Nonsense, come in for tea.

I pay $80 a month for this apartment,

and I want people to enjoy it.

Thanks.

Wait, you pay $80 a month?

I know. So what's this new job?

Oh, I'm writing for this big comedian now.

Do you know Lou Cannon?

Is he the one that's Jon Stewart?

- No.
- I love Jon Stewart.

Yeah.

So how's the job?

Honestly, Oscar, it's bad.

I thought that working for Lou
was gonna change things for me,

but so far, the whole experience
has been pointless.

Mm. I don't like that.

Let me show you something. Have some tea.

See this Turkish tea tray?

I got it on a business trip
during my Wall Street days.

I didn't know that you worked
on Wall Street.

That's where my bicycle shop was.

Anyway, I went to Turkey to cut a deal

for some banana seat covers.

Turns out the dealer was a crook!

But while I was there,
I found this amazing tea tray.

Do you fully see what I mean?

Not really, but you talking
is very relaxing.

Well, I'll never regret my trip to Turkey

because I got something valuable out of it.

Now, this job of yours may be a drag,

but you have to find out

if there's a tea tray in it for you.

But what if I can't find a tea tray?

Then quit.

And when you quit, make a scene.

Every time I quit a job,
they had to call the cops.

I adore cops.

Just airbrush under the eyes and neck.

I want to keep it natural. There you go.

[Murmurs] Thanks, see you later.

Lou.

Oh, good, you are here.

We need a stand-in for the rehearsal.

The male stand-in is late.

Just go over there and act masculine.

I'm not gonna be a stand-in. I'm a writer.

And we need to talk about this.

I need to know if there's
anything in this job for me.

Well, let's hash it out.

[Over P.A.] Rehearsal's up.

But since we're in rehearsal,
Lofty, can you put John there,

and I'm gonna stand, um...

I'll stand here, right there. There.

Now, don't be afraid to speak your mind.

This is how you want to talk?

[TV theme fanfare]

I very much prefer it.

Okay, Lou, I have worked
for you for one week,

and so far, all I've done
is stay up until 6:00 A.M. every night,

watching you eat pudding and riff.

I never get to do standup.
What's in this job for me?

For the answer, let's go to Dean Cain.

I answered "B." Photosynthesis.

Yo-o-o-o-ou guessed it!

[TV theme fanfare]

Oh, there's nothing here for me.

Good-bye, Lou.

Wait, John, don't storm out
like a little Bat Mitzvah girl.

- I want you to proof those cue cards.
- What?

Wait a second,

are these my jokes?
The ones I wrote for you?

Well, you wrote them,

but then I'm gonna put my own spin on them
and then say them.

You're gonna say jokes that I wrote on TV?

I know where this is going.
Yes, you're gonna get paid.

I just, um...

Franco? Money Cannon, one blast.

[Loud pooft]

Whoa, a hundred bucks!

A hundred bucks? No, that's not right.

Here you go, 20, perfect.

All right, thanks.

So will I see you tomorrow?

Yes, you will, Lou, because...

I got my tea tray.

Ha ha! That is so tea tray.

You're gonna go far, little one,
but it's a tough, tough business.

There are ups and there are downs.

It's like that "problem bitch" guy.

One day, your joke is sweeping the Nation,

the next, he's our stand-in.

Hey, Mulaney.

Mention me.