Mulaney (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sweet Jane - full transcript
Mulaney wonders why Jane dislikes all of his girlfriends; and Lou asks for help planning a dignified death.
Sometimes I'll be dating a girl...
Hey, it's true.
Sometimes I'll be dating a girl,
and then I have these
friends that are girls,
and I think, "oh, maybe
they'll all get along."
No.
I don't want to make any
generalizations about women,
but while women can be friends,
I think it's hard to force women
to hang out with each other.
Like I don't think
you could ever put together
a heist of just women.
Like Oceans Eleven with
women wouldn't work
because two would keep breaking off
to talk trash about the other nine.
Or not even talk trash...
Just say weird passive-aggressive things
while they break into the casino Vault.
Just being like, "oh, I love
how you just wear anything."
Mulaney - 01x05
Sweet Jane
Mulaney is filmed in front of
a live studio audience, okay?
Well, um, you know
what happened to the boy
who met the best girl in the world, right?
He lived happily ever after.
You must think I'm such a dork now.
You... you don't? You promise?
Okay. All right.
Okay. I'll see you later. Bye.
Hey. Mulaney,
how come when you talk
to a girl you sound like
you're asking your ma
to pick you up from a play date?
It's just something I slip into.
I went through puberty in the '90s.
That's what girls liked back then.
Well, I had sex in the '90s,
and I know girls didn't like that at all.
Yes, they did. I mean,
that's how Ross got Rachel.
He was humble and he was nervous,
and he had no swagger.
Oh, my God!
That's how I learned to talk to women...
From Ross!
Who's Ross?
Ross. From Friends.
What is "Friends"?
Friends. It's like the
biggest TV show of all time.
I gotta check it out. When's it on?
It's always on. It's Friends. See?
Why have I never seen Friends?
Ah, it was kind of "for us, by us."
Oh! I remember these faces on TV!
I always thought it was the news!
Yeah, okay, there he is... that's Ross!
And he would be like,
"hey, um, maybe I like you so much."
And that is how he got Rachel.
Her? Oh, Mulaney,
that's just science fiction.
Hey. Do we have stamps?
- No.
- Ugh. Forget it.
I'll just... have bad credit.
How are you guys?
I'm great. I think I'm finally
getting the hang
of working for Lou Cannon,
and things with Kristen are going good.
Why are they in a fountain?
I really want you to meet her but, hey,
try to be nice to this one.
Oh! They got umbrellas.
When am I not nice to your girlfriends?
Remember Erica sophomore year?
Oh, Erica the racist?
You know she wouldn't eat Thai food?
She was allergic to peanuts.
It's not my fault, John.
You just pick bad women.
Most of the time, I'm perfectly friendly.
I swear to God, if that is a person...
It's not. It's Andre.
Oh, you're home.
I was gonna leave a message.
Okay, um...
Hey, I haven't been able
to track down any ecstasy.
I don't wanna buy any ecstasy.
I'm just telling you about stuff
that's going on with me, John, okay?
I'm very sorry.
It's okay.
Reach into my back pocket.
Absolutely not.
Fine. Check this out.
Started a blues band,
and our first show's this week.
Oh, it's Thursday night.
Isn't Thursday night
the night we're supposed to not
go to a white guy blues show?
Yeah... bummer!
I built a new cash catapult.
You are always innovating.
That's what makes me
the number one game show host.
Daytime.
Hey, do you have an outlet
where I could plug this in?
- Oh, yeah, there's one over here.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
- Okay.
Aah!
I did it for the laughs.
Are you okay?
What? Yes, no, I'm fine.
Absolutely.
Did you yell, "I did it for the laughs"?
Yes, I did.
Those are gonna be my last words.
Anytime I think I'm gonna die, I say...
I pause and say,
"I did it for the laughs."
You see, John, celebrities have to
control their death.
If not, then the media
takes over the narrative.
Yeah. For example,
- how did Michael Jackson die?
- Oh...
He was a troubled pop star.
He died tragically.
Sad.
Here's how I would spin it.
Pop icon Mike Jackson,
who left behind music to raise a family,
died peacefully with
his dear friend Conrad.
Now you try one. Courtney love.
Oh, uh, Courtney love is still alive.
Great spin.
See, I control every aspect of my death.
I've even written my obituary.
- Look at that.
- Oh, wow!
"Lou Cannon, who dazzled audiences
for more than 'blank' years,
is survived by his two ex-wives
and his girlfriend Kiko."
And I'm barely surviving Kiko.
You've got all your bases covered.
I just hope you don't die on the toilet,
right?
Oh, my God.
The ultimate humiliation...
Dying on the toilet.
I forgot about dying on the toilet.
Oh, no, no, no.
Lou, don't worry about that.
No, no, no, no. This would be bad.
- I would become a joke.
- No, no, no.
- I would be a joke.
- You wouldn't be a joke!
I would be a joke!
You're Lou Cannon!
With those great last words,
no one's gonna make fun of you.
I mean, people love you.
Yeah, yeah, people loved Elvis,
but all they remember
is that he died from
going to the bathroom.
He died from a heart attack.
Look, no matter how you die on the toilet,
people assume it's because
you couldn't handle
what was coming out.
Okay, we need to solve
this toilet problem.
"We"? Shouldn't I work on jokes?
No, no. This is a much more important
show business lesson for you...
How to control when and where
your dead body is found.
Joseph Stalin was dead for two weeks
before anyone in Russia knew.
Now, there's an entertainer.
I've been in a few relationships.
The weirdest part, to me,
is when the relationship is going well,
so you meet each other's parents.
I've never understood that.
I've never been like, "hey, honey,
tonight is going great,
but do you know what
would make it perfect?
Chip and Ellen Mulaney.
Yeah!
We've been going pretty
hot and heavy lately.
I think it's time we bring in
two older catholic people."
So... I'm on season three
of Friends, but...
Joey's gonna die, right?
Do you really wanna know?
Yeah, he's gonna die.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where's Kristen?
I am excited to meet her.
- Hi!
- Hi!
This is so cool!
- You're at the Cellar!
- Yes.
- Hey.
- Motif! You're so funny.
It is so cool to meet you.
And this is Jane.
Jane, Kristen, Kristen, Jane.
- Hi. Are you a comic?
- Hi.
I'm sorry... what the hell did she just say?
No, no, no, no. Uh, Jane's my roommate.
- Oh! Right, right.
- Yes...
It's so nice to meet you, sweetie.
Ohh... you, too, sweetie.
Oh, my God!
How fun is it to live with two comedians?
Oh, my God! Do you recall
the woman in the pit
in Silence of the Lambs?
It's like that but with no dog,
because he's allergic!
Ha ha ha! Right?
The drinks here are named after comedians.
I'm gonna get a "Martini Lawrence!"
Ooh! That doesn't sound stupid.
- Okay, bye! Bye.
- Bye!
I'll be back here.
All right. You're great!
John, no. What?
Don't you see what she is?
She's one of those girls
who just wants to date comedians.
A ha-ha ho!
Yes. A ha-ha ho.
She's not a ha-ha ho.
Why do you have to start trouble?
Anyway, we tried. Okay?
Swing and a miss.
You were big help there. Thank you.
Dude, don't you see what's happening?
Jane is jealous.
No, Jane's not jealous.
Come on, we've been friends
for, like, eight years.
Yes! Friends.
Like Ross and Rachel.
One could also compare it
to Pride and Prejudice.
Oh, was that that Keira Knightley movie?
What did you do in college?
By the way, Jane,
thanks for leaving last night
without saying good-bye to Kristen.
She bought you a Gimlet Godfrey.
You don't disturb a ha-ha ho
when she's taking a selfie
with the mic stand, John.
It's like waking a sleepwalker.
I like that she's interested in my career.
I think it's cool. She's not a comedy fan.
She's a me-fan.
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
- Thank you.
- And also,
I wanted to like her, okay?
We just have nothing in common.
Jane, tell me this...
Who would you like me to date?
Someone like me.
Someone who's, like, creative and fun
and embraces their persona...
Like Stevie Nicks.
I'm not gonna date Stevie Nicks.
Whatever. Just call her, okay?
It's just drinks!
She's jealous!
Classic Ross and Rachel.
Can it be more obvious?
Oof. You've been watching
too much Friends.
Got some good material out of it, too.
See, you want a girl
to be a Monica in the kitchen,
but you want a Phoebe in the bedroom.
'Cause phoe-be cra-zy! What?
Oh, hello!
Hey, Oscar. We got a package of yours.
Ooh! I ordered a book on Jewish yoga!
Come in.
John, these are my dear friends
Tutti and Vaughn.
- She's Vaughn.
- That's right.
We're gonna see Steely Dan at the Beacon.
They're only playing nine nights,
and then they leave for a whole month!
Wow. How long have you three
known each other?
What are you doin', a book report?
Look, I've known them each for years.
But until 1970, Tutti
and Vaughn hated each other!
- We hated each other.
- I hated her.
You hated each other?
Hey, if you don't mind me asking,
how did you two women become friends?
Another question!
Be civil.
Look, we bonded on the same thing.
- We both hated the space program.
- We both hated the space program.
And that moon guy was a fraud!
You can't stand on a circle!
- Ladies, we've been through this.
- Oh, what?
It's a sphere like this orange.
So two women can be friends
if they hate the same stuff.
You see, my friend Jane,
she hates my new girlfriend.
Oh, now it's a story.
Maybe if they hate something in common,
they'll get along. But what would that be?
Look, are you gonna sell us
some pot, or what?
Wrong guy. He doesn't have the pot.
Oh, sorry.
Pot guy? Pot guy?
Hello, Oscar. Ladies!
- We need a big bag for Steely Dan.
- Okay.
I'll get $5.00.
Hey, Mulaney,
are you still comin' to my blues show?
Oh, your blues show. That's perfect!
That is something everyone
can not like together.
Hey, is it okay if I bring
Jane and my new girlfriend?
Oh, ladies get in free.
Everyone gets in free.
I don't care who you are...
You're gonna fall right off
this frickin' moon.
- Good catch.
- Yeah!
I didn't know you liked blues... music.
Oh, I don't.
And you should feel free to hate this.
I mean, who knows,
maybe someone else will hate it.
Ha ha! I love how you're so deadpan
and don't hit the joke too hard.
- Hi!
- Hi, Jane.
Hey, sweetie.
Two, three, four!
♪ It ain't easy bein' Andre ♪
Oh, my God.
He is such a tool.
Excuse me... Andre is a friend of ours.
No, he's not.
Come on, this is awful, right, ladies?
It's terrible.
Well, I think it's good.
Jane, think about what you're doing.
You are defending Andre.
Would you prefer it if we
went to a Gallagher show?
Gallagher isn't even touring right now.
And what is your problem with me?
Jane, come on.
She's not racist. She's not Wiccan.
Give her a shot.
You two have some weird thing going on.
I'm leaving. You know,
I defend you when people
say you're a Seinfeld rip-off.
Wh...
No! Come on, stay!
Andre's about to scat.
♪ A-e-i-o ♪
♪ You know what I mean ♪
You ruined this!
Motif is right. You're jealous.
Jealous? Of her?
With you?
Sexually?
I don't know. Maybe?
You're right, John. I'm jealous.
You know, sometimes
I crave your body so much,
I kiss a cold piece of chicken.
Oh, I wish that could be me,
watching you use your
cell phone flashlight
to find a condom,
lying there with your deadweight on me,
totally in your own catholic head...
Just trying to delay the inevitable.
And then, the look you give me
as if to say, "mm... did you..."
And, no, John, I didn't!
That's the dream!
Hey, lucky guess on those details.
Lou? Lou, I came when I got your text.
What's this trial run?
I'm in the bathroom!
All right, I'll wait.
No, no, no. Come in.
Are you pretending to be dead?
Youuuuu guessed it!
Now, lift me.
Why are we doing this?
Because I've cracked it.
If I die on the toilet and you find me,
then you're gonna carry me off
before my body is found.
Oh, I should go deadweight.
Ohh!
Okay, Lou, with all due respect,
this isn't my job. Frankly, this is crazy.
I don't think it's crazy.
John, show business is about the entrance
and the exit.
You know, I entered my career with a bang
playing scarecrow in the
all-white version of the Wiz.
But I want my exit to be on a high note,
- lying on that couch...
- Okay.
Ugh! Reading a book...
The Fountainhead... Keep them guessing.
And... oh, I can't be wearing this.
Get me those jeans, won't you?
- Okay. Thanks.
- Okay.
Yeah. There we go.
All right. Okay.
They're a little tight.
No, I know. They don't fit.
You have to shimmy them. All
right, I'm shimmying them.
Kristen!
Hi. What are you doing here?
Hi. I just wanted to apologize
for fighting with Jane.
I know you wanted us to hit it off.
Thank you, but...
Did you follow me to my boss's apartment?
I did.
Lou Cannon?
Oh, hi!
I'm a huge, huge fan!
Oh, my goodness!
But what a nice thing to day!
Thank you.
I say this all the time,
but you're my favorite comedian!
That's sweet. That's very kind.
I love those jeans!
Well, thank you.
I wonder what you look like out of them.
He looks like that,
because he's not in them.
Hey, Kristen, you need to leave.
Yes. And tell the doorman who let you up
that he's fired.
- Bye, Lou!
- Bye-bye.
- See you, John.
- Yeah. See you.
I don't know how to break it to you,
but I'm not convinced
that you two are gonna make the journey.
You're right... And I am
so, so sorry about her.
Don't be sorry.
That's actually all I needed.
She didn't even care
how ridiculous I looked.
Loonies like that will love me
no matter how my body's found.
Oh, yeah. She would be psyched
to find you on the toilet.
Ahh!
I feel... great peace.
It's enough to know that when I die...
You'll be there to hold my hand.
Aw...
This job is gonna take up
so much of my time.
Oh!
Hel-lo!
Hey, Oscar.
Things really backfired
with Jane and Kristen.
I guess not all women can be
as close as Tutti and Vaughn.
Well, sure.
Tutti and Vaughn are big-time lesbians.
That's really what they have in common.
How was Steely Dan?
We haven't left yet!
Wasn't it yesterday?
I want cookie dough!
And get cookie dough!
I have no idea what's going on!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oscar's stoned out of his mind.
Well, you were right about Kristen.
Add her to the list,
just above the Wiccan...
Right below Lizzie.
Wait. Which one was Lizzie?
She was the one who lied
about being Vegan.
I caught her eating a sloppy Joe.
Yeah.
Yeah, you broke her. You broke them all.
And you should feel free to celebrate.
Hey, it doesn't make me
happy to see you miserable.
John, the reas...
Are you flexing your arm?
Sorry.
The reason I can be so harsh
is because you deserve better.
You're a great guy.
- What?
- Yeah.
You think I'm a great guy?
- Mm-hmm.
- You haven't said that
in eight years of friendship.
In fact, recently
you told me I was a bad guy.
I thought you took my cell phone charger.
- But I didn't.
- Yeah, I know that now.
Anyway, the point is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
I'm so sorry I called you jealous.
You know, to be honest,
I probably do get a little jealous
when you're dating someone.
You're...
This is hard.
You're...
My backup plan.
You know?
And when I see that you're taken,
I'm like, "oh, there
goes my safety school."
If I never meet the right guy,
I would be psyched
to die holding your hand.
Why does everyone wanna die
holding my hand?
Hey.
Hey, Motif.
I just saw the last episode of Friends.
Aww. Anything I can do?
I just need to take a walk.
Process.
That it's over.
Hey, can I ask you something, Mulaney?
Of course.
Do you think the Friends
were friends in real life?
I do, Motif.
I do.
How do you put out a cookie dough fire?
You were so right to break up
with that "funny honey."
Yeah.
The nerve of her! I mean...
What would her phone number even be?
- I'm not gonna give you her phone number.
- All right.
Hey, we should go to work.
All right. Is that outlet still busted?
- No, no, no, it's all fixed up now.
- Thank you.
- Oh, and Donna.
- Yes, Lou.
Get me some more diet chocolate pudding.
I'm such a chubby little baby.
Aah!
Lou Cannon, who has "dazzled audiences
for more than blank years,
and I had a ball the whole time,"
is in critical condition
today after being electrocuted.
Should he die, Mr. Cannon's
last words will be,
and I quote,
"get me some more diet chocolate pudding.
I am such a chubby little baby."
Hey, it's true.
Sometimes I'll be dating a girl,
and then I have these
friends that are girls,
and I think, "oh, maybe
they'll all get along."
No.
I don't want to make any
generalizations about women,
but while women can be friends,
I think it's hard to force women
to hang out with each other.
Like I don't think
you could ever put together
a heist of just women.
Like Oceans Eleven with
women wouldn't work
because two would keep breaking off
to talk trash about the other nine.
Or not even talk trash...
Just say weird passive-aggressive things
while they break into the casino Vault.
Just being like, "oh, I love
how you just wear anything."
Mulaney - 01x05
Sweet Jane
Mulaney is filmed in front of
a live studio audience, okay?
Well, um, you know
what happened to the boy
who met the best girl in the world, right?
He lived happily ever after.
You must think I'm such a dork now.
You... you don't? You promise?
Okay. All right.
Okay. I'll see you later. Bye.
Hey. Mulaney,
how come when you talk
to a girl you sound like
you're asking your ma
to pick you up from a play date?
It's just something I slip into.
I went through puberty in the '90s.
That's what girls liked back then.
Well, I had sex in the '90s,
and I know girls didn't like that at all.
Yes, they did. I mean,
that's how Ross got Rachel.
He was humble and he was nervous,
and he had no swagger.
Oh, my God!
That's how I learned to talk to women...
From Ross!
Who's Ross?
Ross. From Friends.
What is "Friends"?
Friends. It's like the
biggest TV show of all time.
I gotta check it out. When's it on?
It's always on. It's Friends. See?
Why have I never seen Friends?
Ah, it was kind of "for us, by us."
Oh! I remember these faces on TV!
I always thought it was the news!
Yeah, okay, there he is... that's Ross!
And he would be like,
"hey, um, maybe I like you so much."
And that is how he got Rachel.
Her? Oh, Mulaney,
that's just science fiction.
Hey. Do we have stamps?
- No.
- Ugh. Forget it.
I'll just... have bad credit.
How are you guys?
I'm great. I think I'm finally
getting the hang
of working for Lou Cannon,
and things with Kristen are going good.
Why are they in a fountain?
I really want you to meet her but, hey,
try to be nice to this one.
Oh! They got umbrellas.
When am I not nice to your girlfriends?
Remember Erica sophomore year?
Oh, Erica the racist?
You know she wouldn't eat Thai food?
She was allergic to peanuts.
It's not my fault, John.
You just pick bad women.
Most of the time, I'm perfectly friendly.
I swear to God, if that is a person...
It's not. It's Andre.
Oh, you're home.
I was gonna leave a message.
Okay, um...
Hey, I haven't been able
to track down any ecstasy.
I don't wanna buy any ecstasy.
I'm just telling you about stuff
that's going on with me, John, okay?
I'm very sorry.
It's okay.
Reach into my back pocket.
Absolutely not.
Fine. Check this out.
Started a blues band,
and our first show's this week.
Oh, it's Thursday night.
Isn't Thursday night
the night we're supposed to not
go to a white guy blues show?
Yeah... bummer!
I built a new cash catapult.
You are always innovating.
That's what makes me
the number one game show host.
Daytime.
Hey, do you have an outlet
where I could plug this in?
- Oh, yeah, there's one over here.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
- Okay.
Aah!
I did it for the laughs.
Are you okay?
What? Yes, no, I'm fine.
Absolutely.
Did you yell, "I did it for the laughs"?
Yes, I did.
Those are gonna be my last words.
Anytime I think I'm gonna die, I say...
I pause and say,
"I did it for the laughs."
You see, John, celebrities have to
control their death.
If not, then the media
takes over the narrative.
Yeah. For example,
- how did Michael Jackson die?
- Oh...
He was a troubled pop star.
He died tragically.
Sad.
Here's how I would spin it.
Pop icon Mike Jackson,
who left behind music to raise a family,
died peacefully with
his dear friend Conrad.
Now you try one. Courtney love.
Oh, uh, Courtney love is still alive.
Great spin.
See, I control every aspect of my death.
I've even written my obituary.
- Look at that.
- Oh, wow!
"Lou Cannon, who dazzled audiences
for more than 'blank' years,
is survived by his two ex-wives
and his girlfriend Kiko."
And I'm barely surviving Kiko.
You've got all your bases covered.
I just hope you don't die on the toilet,
right?
Oh, my God.
The ultimate humiliation...
Dying on the toilet.
I forgot about dying on the toilet.
Oh, no, no, no.
Lou, don't worry about that.
No, no, no, no. This would be bad.
- I would become a joke.
- No, no, no.
- I would be a joke.
- You wouldn't be a joke!
I would be a joke!
You're Lou Cannon!
With those great last words,
no one's gonna make fun of you.
I mean, people love you.
Yeah, yeah, people loved Elvis,
but all they remember
is that he died from
going to the bathroom.
He died from a heart attack.
Look, no matter how you die on the toilet,
people assume it's because
you couldn't handle
what was coming out.
Okay, we need to solve
this toilet problem.
"We"? Shouldn't I work on jokes?
No, no. This is a much more important
show business lesson for you...
How to control when and where
your dead body is found.
Joseph Stalin was dead for two weeks
before anyone in Russia knew.
Now, there's an entertainer.
I've been in a few relationships.
The weirdest part, to me,
is when the relationship is going well,
so you meet each other's parents.
I've never understood that.
I've never been like, "hey, honey,
tonight is going great,
but do you know what
would make it perfect?
Chip and Ellen Mulaney.
Yeah!
We've been going pretty
hot and heavy lately.
I think it's time we bring in
two older catholic people."
So... I'm on season three
of Friends, but...
Joey's gonna die, right?
Do you really wanna know?
Yeah, he's gonna die.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where's Kristen?
I am excited to meet her.
- Hi!
- Hi!
This is so cool!
- You're at the Cellar!
- Yes.
- Hey.
- Motif! You're so funny.
It is so cool to meet you.
And this is Jane.
Jane, Kristen, Kristen, Jane.
- Hi. Are you a comic?
- Hi.
I'm sorry... what the hell did she just say?
No, no, no, no. Uh, Jane's my roommate.
- Oh! Right, right.
- Yes...
It's so nice to meet you, sweetie.
Ohh... you, too, sweetie.
Oh, my God!
How fun is it to live with two comedians?
Oh, my God! Do you recall
the woman in the pit
in Silence of the Lambs?
It's like that but with no dog,
because he's allergic!
Ha ha ha! Right?
The drinks here are named after comedians.
I'm gonna get a "Martini Lawrence!"
Ooh! That doesn't sound stupid.
- Okay, bye! Bye.
- Bye!
I'll be back here.
All right. You're great!
John, no. What?
Don't you see what she is?
She's one of those girls
who just wants to date comedians.
A ha-ha ho!
Yes. A ha-ha ho.
She's not a ha-ha ho.
Why do you have to start trouble?
Anyway, we tried. Okay?
Swing and a miss.
You were big help there. Thank you.
Dude, don't you see what's happening?
Jane is jealous.
No, Jane's not jealous.
Come on, we've been friends
for, like, eight years.
Yes! Friends.
Like Ross and Rachel.
One could also compare it
to Pride and Prejudice.
Oh, was that that Keira Knightley movie?
What did you do in college?
By the way, Jane,
thanks for leaving last night
without saying good-bye to Kristen.
She bought you a Gimlet Godfrey.
You don't disturb a ha-ha ho
when she's taking a selfie
with the mic stand, John.
It's like waking a sleepwalker.
I like that she's interested in my career.
I think it's cool. She's not a comedy fan.
She's a me-fan.
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
- Thank you.
- And also,
I wanted to like her, okay?
We just have nothing in common.
Jane, tell me this...
Who would you like me to date?
Someone like me.
Someone who's, like, creative and fun
and embraces their persona...
Like Stevie Nicks.
I'm not gonna date Stevie Nicks.
Whatever. Just call her, okay?
It's just drinks!
She's jealous!
Classic Ross and Rachel.
Can it be more obvious?
Oof. You've been watching
too much Friends.
Got some good material out of it, too.
See, you want a girl
to be a Monica in the kitchen,
but you want a Phoebe in the bedroom.
'Cause phoe-be cra-zy! What?
Oh, hello!
Hey, Oscar. We got a package of yours.
Ooh! I ordered a book on Jewish yoga!
Come in.
John, these are my dear friends
Tutti and Vaughn.
- She's Vaughn.
- That's right.
We're gonna see Steely Dan at the Beacon.
They're only playing nine nights,
and then they leave for a whole month!
Wow. How long have you three
known each other?
What are you doin', a book report?
Look, I've known them each for years.
But until 1970, Tutti
and Vaughn hated each other!
- We hated each other.
- I hated her.
You hated each other?
Hey, if you don't mind me asking,
how did you two women become friends?
Another question!
Be civil.
Look, we bonded on the same thing.
- We both hated the space program.
- We both hated the space program.
And that moon guy was a fraud!
You can't stand on a circle!
- Ladies, we've been through this.
- Oh, what?
It's a sphere like this orange.
So two women can be friends
if they hate the same stuff.
You see, my friend Jane,
she hates my new girlfriend.
Oh, now it's a story.
Maybe if they hate something in common,
they'll get along. But what would that be?
Look, are you gonna sell us
some pot, or what?
Wrong guy. He doesn't have the pot.
Oh, sorry.
Pot guy? Pot guy?
Hello, Oscar. Ladies!
- We need a big bag for Steely Dan.
- Okay.
I'll get $5.00.
Hey, Mulaney,
are you still comin' to my blues show?
Oh, your blues show. That's perfect!
That is something everyone
can not like together.
Hey, is it okay if I bring
Jane and my new girlfriend?
Oh, ladies get in free.
Everyone gets in free.
I don't care who you are...
You're gonna fall right off
this frickin' moon.
- Good catch.
- Yeah!
I didn't know you liked blues... music.
Oh, I don't.
And you should feel free to hate this.
I mean, who knows,
maybe someone else will hate it.
Ha ha! I love how you're so deadpan
and don't hit the joke too hard.
- Hi!
- Hi, Jane.
Hey, sweetie.
Two, three, four!
♪ It ain't easy bein' Andre ♪
Oh, my God.
He is such a tool.
Excuse me... Andre is a friend of ours.
No, he's not.
Come on, this is awful, right, ladies?
It's terrible.
Well, I think it's good.
Jane, think about what you're doing.
You are defending Andre.
Would you prefer it if we
went to a Gallagher show?
Gallagher isn't even touring right now.
And what is your problem with me?
Jane, come on.
She's not racist. She's not Wiccan.
Give her a shot.
You two have some weird thing going on.
I'm leaving. You know,
I defend you when people
say you're a Seinfeld rip-off.
Wh...
No! Come on, stay!
Andre's about to scat.
♪ A-e-i-o ♪
♪ You know what I mean ♪
You ruined this!
Motif is right. You're jealous.
Jealous? Of her?
With you?
Sexually?
I don't know. Maybe?
You're right, John. I'm jealous.
You know, sometimes
I crave your body so much,
I kiss a cold piece of chicken.
Oh, I wish that could be me,
watching you use your
cell phone flashlight
to find a condom,
lying there with your deadweight on me,
totally in your own catholic head...
Just trying to delay the inevitable.
And then, the look you give me
as if to say, "mm... did you..."
And, no, John, I didn't!
That's the dream!
Hey, lucky guess on those details.
Lou? Lou, I came when I got your text.
What's this trial run?
I'm in the bathroom!
All right, I'll wait.
No, no, no. Come in.
Are you pretending to be dead?
Youuuuu guessed it!
Now, lift me.
Why are we doing this?
Because I've cracked it.
If I die on the toilet and you find me,
then you're gonna carry me off
before my body is found.
Oh, I should go deadweight.
Ohh!
Okay, Lou, with all due respect,
this isn't my job. Frankly, this is crazy.
I don't think it's crazy.
John, show business is about the entrance
and the exit.
You know, I entered my career with a bang
playing scarecrow in the
all-white version of the Wiz.
But I want my exit to be on a high note,
- lying on that couch...
- Okay.
Ugh! Reading a book...
The Fountainhead... Keep them guessing.
And... oh, I can't be wearing this.
Get me those jeans, won't you?
- Okay. Thanks.
- Okay.
Yeah. There we go.
All right. Okay.
They're a little tight.
No, I know. They don't fit.
You have to shimmy them. All
right, I'm shimmying them.
Kristen!
Hi. What are you doing here?
Hi. I just wanted to apologize
for fighting with Jane.
I know you wanted us to hit it off.
Thank you, but...
Did you follow me to my boss's apartment?
I did.
Lou Cannon?
Oh, hi!
I'm a huge, huge fan!
Oh, my goodness!
But what a nice thing to day!
Thank you.
I say this all the time,
but you're my favorite comedian!
That's sweet. That's very kind.
I love those jeans!
Well, thank you.
I wonder what you look like out of them.
He looks like that,
because he's not in them.
Hey, Kristen, you need to leave.
Yes. And tell the doorman who let you up
that he's fired.
- Bye, Lou!
- Bye-bye.
- See you, John.
- Yeah. See you.
I don't know how to break it to you,
but I'm not convinced
that you two are gonna make the journey.
You're right... And I am
so, so sorry about her.
Don't be sorry.
That's actually all I needed.
She didn't even care
how ridiculous I looked.
Loonies like that will love me
no matter how my body's found.
Oh, yeah. She would be psyched
to find you on the toilet.
Ahh!
I feel... great peace.
It's enough to know that when I die...
You'll be there to hold my hand.
Aw...
This job is gonna take up
so much of my time.
Oh!
Hel-lo!
Hey, Oscar.
Things really backfired
with Jane and Kristen.
I guess not all women can be
as close as Tutti and Vaughn.
Well, sure.
Tutti and Vaughn are big-time lesbians.
That's really what they have in common.
How was Steely Dan?
We haven't left yet!
Wasn't it yesterday?
I want cookie dough!
And get cookie dough!
I have no idea what's going on!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oscar's stoned out of his mind.
Well, you were right about Kristen.
Add her to the list,
just above the Wiccan...
Right below Lizzie.
Wait. Which one was Lizzie?
She was the one who lied
about being Vegan.
I caught her eating a sloppy Joe.
Yeah.
Yeah, you broke her. You broke them all.
And you should feel free to celebrate.
Hey, it doesn't make me
happy to see you miserable.
John, the reas...
Are you flexing your arm?
Sorry.
The reason I can be so harsh
is because you deserve better.
You're a great guy.
- What?
- Yeah.
You think I'm a great guy?
- Mm-hmm.
- You haven't said that
in eight years of friendship.
In fact, recently
you told me I was a bad guy.
I thought you took my cell phone charger.
- But I didn't.
- Yeah, I know that now.
Anyway, the point is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
I'm so sorry I called you jealous.
You know, to be honest,
I probably do get a little jealous
when you're dating someone.
You're...
This is hard.
You're...
My backup plan.
You know?
And when I see that you're taken,
I'm like, "oh, there
goes my safety school."
If I never meet the right guy,
I would be psyched
to die holding your hand.
Why does everyone wanna die
holding my hand?
Hey.
Hey, Motif.
I just saw the last episode of Friends.
Aww. Anything I can do?
I just need to take a walk.
Process.
That it's over.
Hey, can I ask you something, Mulaney?
Of course.
Do you think the Friends
were friends in real life?
I do, Motif.
I do.
How do you put out a cookie dough fire?
You were so right to break up
with that "funny honey."
Yeah.
The nerve of her! I mean...
What would her phone number even be?
- I'm not gonna give you her phone number.
- All right.
Hey, we should go to work.
All right. Is that outlet still busted?
- No, no, no, it's all fixed up now.
- Thank you.
- Oh, and Donna.
- Yes, Lou.
Get me some more diet chocolate pudding.
I'm such a chubby little baby.
Aah!
Lou Cannon, who has "dazzled audiences
for more than blank years,
and I had a ball the whole time,"
is in critical condition
today after being electrocuted.
Should he die, Mr. Cannon's
last words will be,
and I quote,
"get me some more diet chocolate pudding.
I am such a chubby little baby."