Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Shining Mammy - full transcript
This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Mrs Brown's Boys!
# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
# Our Mrs Brown. #
Mm.
SHE SIGHS
Well?
Give me a minute, Cathy, I, need to
let my taste buds, you know, savour
the flavour and allow my palate to
excite the various ingredients, mm.
For God's sake, Mammy.
That is shite.
Fine, try this one next. OK.
Cathy, I don't know why you're
making such a big fuss of this,
it's just a meal. Just a meal?
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it, it might be him.
MOCKING: "I'll get it, it might be
him."
Hiya, Winnie. Hi, Agnes, love.
Here, what's all this?
Oh, Cathy's cooking
a meal for the new date
and she's trying to pick a sauce.
Oh, well, I'm going to try a bit of
that.
Not that one, Agnes, it has no
taste.
Yeah, because that's the bowl
I wash me fingers in.
It did have a taste of fish off it.
Was it him? No, postman. Oh.
How are you, Cathy, love?
Hello, Mrs McGoogan.
So, Mammy, which one is
your favourite? Oh, Mark, of course.
The sauces, Mammy, which of the
sauces? Mark is lovely.
Yeah, he is lovely, yeah.
Which one? Fine!
That one if you're doing fish
and that one if you're doing beef.
I'm doing pasta.
Oh, well, then something Italian
like, maybe, soy sauce.
That's Chinese.
But Chinese is nice, I love
chicken's balls.
Winnie, it's chicken balls.
Oh. Otherwise the servings
would be only tiny, you know?
You two are useless! Cathy,
why are you making a big fuss?
It's just a date.
I know, but I really like this
fella, and he has two lovely
daughters. Aw.
Ah, he's married? He's a widower,
he lost his wife two years ago.
BOTH: Oh, Lord rest her.
And he always goes on about what
a wonderful cook his wife was.
Oh, Cathy, take my advice, do not
try and compete with another man's
wife.
Especially one that's dead.
BOTH: Lord rest her.
Cathy, it's been my experience that
it doesn't matter what you
feed them as long as when they've
finished eating it you
give them a nice b...
No, no, Winnie, no, no. A nice b...
Winnie, do not.
..blueberry pie!
Oh. Concentrate on the dessert,
love. Well, you were no help.
And you are welcome. She's uptight.
I know. The only time I'd put that
amount of effort into cooking
for a man if I was trying to poison
him.
THEY LAUGH
Here, Agnes, you did a great
job of redecorating the house.
Oh, thanks, Winnie, yeah.
Well, listen, I asked you how many
rolls of wallpaper you
got for your sitting room
and you said seven.
That's right. Yeah, I got seven
and I had two left over. So did I!
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, what's this? I'd better go,
Sharon can't find the shaving cream.
Oh, is she going to shave her legs?
No, her chest.
It's a card from me cousin
in Liverpool, asking for money,
always asking for money.
I hope you're having a nice
Christmas, we are.
Oh, Your Majesty, you will be
missed.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Not like me cousin in Liverpool.
Look at this, Happy Christmas
from Finglas Hardware Store.
Now, ten years ago, I bought some
cable ties, duct tape, a shovel
and a bag of lime off them,
don't ask, and every year
since, they've sent me a Christmas
card and a little calendar.
I don't even get a Christmas card
every year from me kids.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
I know, and I spent hours pushing
them out of me froufrou.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hello, boys. Happy Christmas, Ma.
Happy Christmas, Son.
Happy Christmas, Mrs Brown. And a
Happy Christmas to you, Buster.
You want tea, Dermot? Yes,
please, Ma.
Oh, and for you, Buster, ha-ha.
I got you an amazing Christmas tree,
Mrs Brown. How much?
Usual, but this is a magic
Christmas tree. Really?
A magic Christmas tree?
Yeah, you know what that means?
Yeah, it was stolen from a magician.
No, not a magician. But stolen?
No comment.
Anyway, you can only see this tree
if everybody in the house is pure of
heart and believes in Santa Claus.
Aw, that sounds like...bullshit.
Erm, no, really, you need to be
pure of heart
and B-E-L...B-E-F...
..belief.
I think it's a scam.
Buster, do not have me visiting
hospitals over the Christmas.
To see who? You!
Look, I may have a reputation of
being a soft-spoken, genteel lady...
What?
..but do not mess with me. You won't
like me when I turn green. Oomph.
GROWLS: I'm the Hulk.
Hulk.
It's the Hulk.
Agnes, did I tell you me nephew came
home from America for a visit?
No, you didn't. Well, he did.
Oh, did you meet him at the airport?
No.
God, I've known him years,
since he was a child.
Agnes? What?
I'm going to say something that
might sound odd. Oh, I'm in shock.
I bumped into Cathy yesterday,
with the boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, erm, Boris, yeah.
Do you think Cathy's fella might
be...
..a vampire?
Don't be ridiculous, Winnie!
They don't exist!
Fuck's sake.
Well, I think he might have fangs.
Winnie, will you stop it?
Where do you get your ideas?
Have you met him?
No, not yet, but Cathy says
she likes him, and that'll do me.
What if he turns into a bat?
Will you stop, Winnie? Well... What?
Nothing. Good, cos I'm running
out of fuckin' drink.
Hold him steady, Mrs Brown. Argh!
You work on your end, all right?
Give it to him. Ah! Ah-ha-ha! Ooh,
oh, oh! Are you done?
Can I release him?
Not yet, that was just
his flu injection,
I could've easily given it to him
in the arm.
Yeah, yeah, but it wouldn't have
been as much fun.
No, no, no, sit. Gently, gently,
gently, sit down. Argh! Oh, oh, oh!
Here, you just missed the Grandad
rodeo.
That's all of his injections now,
he's had the Covid booster,
he's had the shingles, and he's had
the flu, he's had them all.
That's them all, Grandad!
You'll soon be the healthiest
corpse in the morgue.
It was worth the rodeo.
If it was a rodeo, I could buck you!
And buck you, too!
Oh, hello, girls.
Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hi, Betty.
Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hi, Grandad!
Buck you, too!
What's wrong with him?
Oh, don't mind him, he has worms.
Do you want tea? No, thanks.
No, we just dropped in, we're on
our way to do some serious shopping.
Oh, so what brings you down?
Oh, this. Oh, what's this?
Oh, Cathy's cooking
a meal for the new boyfriend,
she's looking for inspiration.
I'll give her inspiration, shag him
and get some takeaway.
Right, we're off. Betty, don't make
yourself at home, come on.
Oh, here, Betty, before you go,
I want to give you something for
Bono.
Now, here, give him that, tell him
I sent it, it's his favourite.
Not any more. Why not?
Well, apparently the wrappers are
destroying the oceans,
and the chocolate comes from farmers
who are exploited,
and the cows' farts are destroying
the planet.
It's a bar of chocolate,
not a nuclear buckin' bomb.
Tell me about it,
he's talking about joining
Greenpeace during his summer
holidays.
Oh. You just missed the girls.
Maria left a book for you.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Calm down, Cathy,
have you got your ingredients?
Yeah, he's picking me up any minute,
cross your fingers for me.
Oh! Don't forget your chicken
breasts in the fridge. Oh, God, yes.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's him, it's Boris!
Relax, I'll let him in,
you concentrate on your breasts.
Oh, and don't forget your chicken.
DOOR CREAKS, WIND HOWLS
FOOTSTEPS ECHO
Are you Boris? Yes, I'm Boris!
Oh, well, how do you do?
That's a foggy night out there.
Fog?
Oh, I didn't notice.
Oh, this is Grandad.
Is he dead?
No, not yet, but nearly.
Hello, darling. All set?
I think so. I'm looking forward to
it. Good.
I hope your twins like chicken.
Oh, they'd eat anything.
CHUCKLES: Anything.
Good!
Erm, have you decided on what sauce?
Garlic.
HE SPLUTTERS
Oh, lovely.
Excuse me. Do you know
something? I've been thinking.
Really? And you still picked her?
Mammy, please! Erm, I'm just
kidding.
What, Boris? What were you thinking?
I think that tonight maybe it should
just be the two of us.
You want me to cook for just two?
No, no, let's just you
and me have a nice drink and a nice
romantic night.
Oh, that sounds nice,
maybe a Christmas drink?
A drink. Anyway, I'm not a big
fan of Christmas. Oh, really?
So you think all that Christmas
stuff is a myth?
Well, not all of it,
no, but, I mean, a jolly fat man
coming down the chimney
in the middle of the night?
SCOFFS: Ha! Mm! Mm!
Yeah, well, I understand,
you're a widower,
my first few Christmases were
dreadful.
As a widow? No, as a wife.
But what about the meal and your
girls?
Yeah, well, I will phone
the baby-sitter and...
..and who needs food on a beautiful
night like tonight?
It's pissing rain and fog out there.
Yeah, well, I'm sure
the food will keep
and you can cook on another night.
What do you think, Mammy,
will the chicken keep?
I don't know, love, we're halfway
through this episode, erm, I dunno.
You go on, have a good night.
Where could we go that would be
a nice, intimate night,
just, just me and you?
May I suggest our local, Foleys? You
won't be disturbed there.
Follow me!
Sing up!
Would you like to dance, Bozo?
It was so awful, Mammy!
Cathy, how was I to know that
Barbara was having the
Wash and Blow Christmas party last
night in Foleys?
It can't have been that bad. It was!
Dermot kept at Boris to sing,
Buster kept picking Boris's pocket,
then giving him back his wallet,
then picking it again.
Mark got Boris in a headlock,
demanding that he marry me...
Oh. ..and I think Dr Flynn kissed
Boris, tongues and all.
Urgh. It was awful! Oh.
Hi, Winnie. Hiya, love.
SHE MUMBLES
No, no, no, a disaster last night,
with the boyfriend, a disaster.
What? Go on, I'll tell you later.
No, I'll tell you later.
Fuck off!
Winnie, just sit down!
What's wrong, Cathy? Have you been
dumped again?
No, I haven't been dumped again,
Winnie, thank you.
Erm, well, not yet, anyway. Mammy!
Mind you, after last night, maybe.
Ah, yeah, Sharon said last night
the
Wash and Blow party was a great
night!
It was not a great night!
Yeah, she said that. It was awful.
Cathy, I'm sure he's had worse
nights than last night.
I mean, he's been married before.
Yeah, and I'm divorced
so we've both been there,
maybe you're right, Mammy.
Ah, now, you're divorced. Winnie.
I said before, we don't go there.
Don't mention the war, eh?
Winnie, that's a whole different
sitcom altogether. Sorry.
When are you seeing Bosch again?
It's Boris. We were supposed to
go to the pictures tonight,
but his baby-sitter let him down.
Sure, your mammy will look
after them, won't you, Agnes?
I beg your pardon? Would you, Mammy?
He could drop the girls off
when he's picking me up.
Of course she will! Sure, you're not
doing anything else, are you?
I don't know, Winnie, I might be
plotting the murder of my friend.
Oh, well, that won't take long.
Would you, Mammy?
Of course I will, no problem.
Aw, thanks, that's great,
I'll call him now! Aw.
Thanks for that. Ah, you're welcome.
SCOFFS: Yeah.
So, Winnie, you should enter the
competition in the Northside People,
it's called the Mind Your Own
Fuckin' Business competition.
Would you stop, Agnes? You know
you would do anything for your kids.
I suppose you're right. Yeah.
At one time, me and Redser decided
we didn't want any kids of our own.
What changed your mind?
Nobody would take them.
Do I switch it on?
No, not yet. Nearly finished,
Mrs Brown! OK, Buster.
Right, OK, Blister, switch it on.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
Now, repeat after me,
"I do believe, I do believe,"
and then just make a wish.
No, I'm going to see Santa later,
I'm going to make him
an offer he can't refuse.
I love you, Son!
Right, come on.
Mrs Brown! We're finished.
Oh, good man, there you go, Buster.
It's all there.
DOOR SHUTS
Who's that?
Just us, Mammy.
Oh, you two are a bit early.
Oh, no, no, no, we haven't even
picked the girls up from after music
school yet, I just wanted to come
and tell you how grateful
I am to you for baby-sitting.
All right. No problem.
Oh, hello. How are ye?
HE LAUGHS
This is my son, Blister.
Ah, how do you do, erm, Blister?
How are ye?
Mm. Right, we'll be off, then!
Hang on, Boris. Buster - wallet?
Gosh!
HE LAUGHS
My wristwatch? Buster?
I didn't take his watch.
Well, it's definitely gone!
Sorry.
Way to go, Son! I love you!
All right, next, I'm going to show
you the three-card trick.
Right, well, I'm going to try to get
myself a little nap.
Well, we'll drop the girls off
and we'll ask them
not to make too much noise
until you wake up.
Not at all, I'll be well
awake by the time they get here.
Come on, Boris, let's go.
I'll show yous out.
I want to show you me tree.
The lying bastard!
What's wrong, Mammy?
I've been duped by Buster again,
there's no tree.
I'll fucking kill him.
You should know better.
Go have your nap,
we can deal with Buster later.
So what movie are you going to see?
Oh, I don't know, a horror, maybe?
Oh, no, maybe a Christmas comedy.
Same thing.
Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha.
SCOFFS: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
SHE SIGHS
Sometimes, I don't know where
she gets them.
What the fu...? What's that?
It's a Christmas tree,
you stupid woman!
I know it's a Christmas tree,
but where did it come from?
Well, let me guess,
I'd say, erm, a forest?
Meh, meh!
I must be losing me mind.
Sure, I could've told you that,
stupid, stupid woman.
DOOR OPENS
Who's that? What's wrong?
Nothing, Boris just forgot his cane.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Oh, I'm glad yous came back,
and now yous can have a look at
me...
Your what?
Nothing. See you later, Mammy.
See you later.
DOOR SHUTS
Maybe I AM having flashbacks to
when I was in Vietnam.
I think it was Phnom Penh.
Oh, don't talk to me about Phnom
Penh - the battles, the nights.
Oh, God, worst holiday
I was ever on.
I'm going through the change
of life.
Again.
This'll be me fourth time.
You know, it's not...
Ah, for feck's sake!
Now, let me get this right,
the Christmas tree was there?
SHE MUMBLES
Then it wasn't? Puff! Then it was?
SHE MUMBLES
But then it wasn't?
It was...it...vamoose! Exactly.
That Christmas tree there,
the one I'm looking at right now?
I'm afraid to look, is it still
there. Yes, Granny, it's there.
Granny, I learned
about this at school,
it's called hyper-stress
hallucination.
There you go, Ma, nothing serious.
No, Dad, it is.
Granny, what you need to do is get
some rest, plenty of rest.
Thank you, Bono, love.
He's right, Ma, it will pass.
Do you want a cup of tea, Bono?
Is it ethically sourced
from a sustainable tea plantation?
No, no, it was ethically
sourced from buckin' Tesco's. Nah.
Your mammy tells me
you're thinking about going with
some eco warriors this summer.
Yeah, I want to do my bit to
save the planet.
Oh, that'll be nice, you might get
to meet that lovely girl,
erm, Greta Thornbush, lovely.
Thunberg.
Oh. And, yeah, she's one
of my heroes, she's determined to
undo the damage that your generation
have done to the planet.
I beg your pardon? I'm just saying.
What are you just saying, Bono?
I'm just saying that your generation
didn't really
care about the environment back
then.
In the Dark Ages? You know what I
mean. Yous didn't care. Here we go.
Well, you're probably right, love,
we didn't care,
but we did bring our milk bottles
and our mineral bottles back to the
shop, and they'd send them back to
be washed and sanitised and reused
again and again, yeah, but you're
right, we didn't really care, yeah.
I'm not saying you, Granny, I'm just
saying... In my day, we washed the
babies' nappies, we didn't throw one
out every time a baby had a shit!
And we didn't have a 2,500-watt
dryer to dry them in, no,
we hung them on the line!
I suppose you could say
we used solar power
and wind power to dry our washing.
Look, all I'm saying is...
And I tell you something else,
we drank water out of the tap,
we didn't buy plastic bottles
of water, no, and we didn't send
a signal out to space for 1,000
miles to order a buckin' pizza!
We walked down to the chipper!
But you're probably right, Son,
we didn't care,
not like your generation.
Are you sure you don't want tea?
No, thanks.
Come on, Dad, I'm going.
Good idea, Son. See you later, Ma.
See you, love, see you, Bono.
Tell Greta I said hello.
SHE SNORES AND MUTTERS
Oh, oh, God!
SHE GROANS
I didn't expect to sleep that long.
BOTH: Hello, Mrs Brown.
ARGH!
What the hell?
I'm trying to sleep, woman!
BOTH: Hello, Grandad.
Sorry, did we wake you?
HE MOANS
You must be Boris's daughters?
Make yourselves comfortable.
BOTH: Thank you.
Oh, God. I got the fright of me
feckin' life there.
ARGH!
A little bit of wee just came out
there.
BOTH: We fixed your table.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
How did yous do that?
BOTH: We like fixing things.
Mother of God!
BOTH: Merry Christmas, Mrs Brown.
No, no, I will not touch that till
you wash it, no.
Mammy, Mammy...
Argh! Leave me alone,
leave me alone!
Mammy, it's me and Boris.
Oh, the girls, where's the girls?
They're in the car.
They were asleep, too,
I carried them there, they had
a great time, thank you so much!
Great time? Goodnight, Cathy.
Goodnight, Boris.
Mwah-ha...excuse me.
Thanks again, Mammy!
Cathy, those girls are evil!
Mammy, those girls are seven,
they don't even know what evil is!
Really? Really? Now, then, tell me
this, what is that?
A coffee table.
Yes, but it was a coffee table that
was smashed to bits
and then put back together again
and they didn't even touch it!
Cathy, I'm telling you,
there's something not right here.
Look, tree is here, Boris is gone,
Boris is here, tree goes.
And they float, they float across
the feckin'...they float.
Get real, Mammy,
it must've been their skateboards,
they love those skateboards.
Cathy, I AM real, and skateboards,
my arse. They floated across there,
they floated across the hatch.
I'll show you, look!
Calm down, Mammy!
I AM calm! Argh! Jesus!
Who owns that fuckin' skateboard?
# We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year! #
Hey, come on, join us, yous two.
Oh, I don't think so,
we're good here, aren't we, Cathy?
Well, I wouldn't mind. Erm, no, no,
no, we're fine, we're fine.
Look, Boris, you're going to have to
accept that we like to have fun.
Yeah, we get a bit rowdy
but that's just the way we are.
I suppose a bit of rowdiness
among friends is OK.
Oh, no, Boris, we're not just
friends, we're all family!
THEY CHEER
Hit it there, Sharon!
MUSIC: We Are Family
by Sister Sledge
# We are family
# I got all my sisters with me
# We are family
# Get up, everybody, and sing
# Everyone can see we're
together as we walk on by
# And
# And we fly just like birds
of a feather
# I won't tell no lies
# All
# All of the people around us,
they say
# Can they be that close?
# Just let me state for the record
# We're giving love a in family dose
# We are family
# Hey, hey, hey, yeah!
# I got all my sisters with me... #
Come on, everybody!
# We are family
# Get up, everybody, and sing
# Sing it to me!
# We are family
# Get up, everybody, and sing
# We are family. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, this is a timely
reminder that most
accidents in the home
happen around Christmas.
SHE CHUCKLES
I can vouch for that because I had
two of them, Dermot AND Trevor.
It's been a weird year, you know,
with celebrations and loss.
I feel sorry for Cathy's Boris
and his loss.
I can remember back then,
being in the church, surrounded
by friends, but feeling all alone.
ALL: Aw!
It was a sad day, I cried a little,
and the priest looked at me, and
I looked at him, and I said, "I do".
We got outside and the people were
throwing some rice at us,
it was lovely,
except Winnie was throwing rice
and it was still in the fuckin' tin.
And then me waters broke
and, well, here we are.
SHE CHUCKLES
I love Christmas, but it can be
a lonely time for many people,
so pick up your phone and pick
someone out of your contacts,
somebody that you haven't
spoken to for a long time, call them
and just say, "Happy Christmas".
And also, be careful around
Christmas, I really mean it.
The worst accidents
at Christmas happen in the home.
Happy Chris... Happy Chris...
Ah, oh, shit!
# Say hello to the Queen
of Dublin town
# As the best mum of all she wears
the crown
# Mother hen watching all her chicks
# Sassy old lady full of tricks
# It's a safe bet she'd never let
life get her down
# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes... #
Merry Christmas!
# Our Mrs Brown. #
language and adult humour
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Mrs Brown's Boys!
# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes
# Our Mrs Brown. #
Mm.
SHE SIGHS
Well?
Give me a minute, Cathy, I, need to
let my taste buds, you know, savour
the flavour and allow my palate to
excite the various ingredients, mm.
For God's sake, Mammy.
That is shite.
Fine, try this one next. OK.
Cathy, I don't know why you're
making such a big fuss of this,
it's just a meal. Just a meal?
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it, it might be him.
MOCKING: "I'll get it, it might be
him."
Hiya, Winnie. Hi, Agnes, love.
Here, what's all this?
Oh, Cathy's cooking
a meal for the new date
and she's trying to pick a sauce.
Oh, well, I'm going to try a bit of
that.
Not that one, Agnes, it has no
taste.
Yeah, because that's the bowl
I wash me fingers in.
It did have a taste of fish off it.
Was it him? No, postman. Oh.
How are you, Cathy, love?
Hello, Mrs McGoogan.
So, Mammy, which one is
your favourite? Oh, Mark, of course.
The sauces, Mammy, which of the
sauces? Mark is lovely.
Yeah, he is lovely, yeah.
Which one? Fine!
That one if you're doing fish
and that one if you're doing beef.
I'm doing pasta.
Oh, well, then something Italian
like, maybe, soy sauce.
That's Chinese.
But Chinese is nice, I love
chicken's balls.
Winnie, it's chicken balls.
Oh. Otherwise the servings
would be only tiny, you know?
You two are useless! Cathy,
why are you making a big fuss?
It's just a date.
I know, but I really like this
fella, and he has two lovely
daughters. Aw.
Ah, he's married? He's a widower,
he lost his wife two years ago.
BOTH: Oh, Lord rest her.
And he always goes on about what
a wonderful cook his wife was.
Oh, Cathy, take my advice, do not
try and compete with another man's
wife.
Especially one that's dead.
BOTH: Lord rest her.
Cathy, it's been my experience that
it doesn't matter what you
feed them as long as when they've
finished eating it you
give them a nice b...
No, no, Winnie, no, no. A nice b...
Winnie, do not.
..blueberry pie!
Oh. Concentrate on the dessert,
love. Well, you were no help.
And you are welcome. She's uptight.
I know. The only time I'd put that
amount of effort into cooking
for a man if I was trying to poison
him.
THEY LAUGH
Here, Agnes, you did a great
job of redecorating the house.
Oh, thanks, Winnie, yeah.
Well, listen, I asked you how many
rolls of wallpaper you
got for your sitting room
and you said seven.
That's right. Yeah, I got seven
and I had two left over. So did I!
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, what's this? I'd better go,
Sharon can't find the shaving cream.
Oh, is she going to shave her legs?
No, her chest.
It's a card from me cousin
in Liverpool, asking for money,
always asking for money.
I hope you're having a nice
Christmas, we are.
Oh, Your Majesty, you will be
missed.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Not like me cousin in Liverpool.
Look at this, Happy Christmas
from Finglas Hardware Store.
Now, ten years ago, I bought some
cable ties, duct tape, a shovel
and a bag of lime off them,
don't ask, and every year
since, they've sent me a Christmas
card and a little calendar.
I don't even get a Christmas card
every year from me kids.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
I know, and I spent hours pushing
them out of me froufrou.
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hello, boys. Happy Christmas, Ma.
Happy Christmas, Son.
Happy Christmas, Mrs Brown. And a
Happy Christmas to you, Buster.
You want tea, Dermot? Yes,
please, Ma.
Oh, and for you, Buster, ha-ha.
I got you an amazing Christmas tree,
Mrs Brown. How much?
Usual, but this is a magic
Christmas tree. Really?
A magic Christmas tree?
Yeah, you know what that means?
Yeah, it was stolen from a magician.
No, not a magician. But stolen?
No comment.
Anyway, you can only see this tree
if everybody in the house is pure of
heart and believes in Santa Claus.
Aw, that sounds like...bullshit.
Erm, no, really, you need to be
pure of heart
and B-E-L...B-E-F...
..belief.
I think it's a scam.
Buster, do not have me visiting
hospitals over the Christmas.
To see who? You!
Look, I may have a reputation of
being a soft-spoken, genteel lady...
What?
..but do not mess with me. You won't
like me when I turn green. Oomph.
GROWLS: I'm the Hulk.
Hulk.
It's the Hulk.
Agnes, did I tell you me nephew came
home from America for a visit?
No, you didn't. Well, he did.
Oh, did you meet him at the airport?
No.
God, I've known him years,
since he was a child.
Agnes? What?
I'm going to say something that
might sound odd. Oh, I'm in shock.
I bumped into Cathy yesterday,
with the boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, erm, Boris, yeah.
Do you think Cathy's fella might
be...
..a vampire?
Don't be ridiculous, Winnie!
They don't exist!
Fuck's sake.
Well, I think he might have fangs.
Winnie, will you stop it?
Where do you get your ideas?
Have you met him?
No, not yet, but Cathy says
she likes him, and that'll do me.
What if he turns into a bat?
Will you stop, Winnie? Well... What?
Nothing. Good, cos I'm running
out of fuckin' drink.
Hold him steady, Mrs Brown. Argh!
You work on your end, all right?
Give it to him. Ah! Ah-ha-ha! Ooh,
oh, oh! Are you done?
Can I release him?
Not yet, that was just
his flu injection,
I could've easily given it to him
in the arm.
Yeah, yeah, but it wouldn't have
been as much fun.
No, no, no, sit. Gently, gently,
gently, sit down. Argh! Oh, oh, oh!
Here, you just missed the Grandad
rodeo.
That's all of his injections now,
he's had the Covid booster,
he's had the shingles, and he's had
the flu, he's had them all.
That's them all, Grandad!
You'll soon be the healthiest
corpse in the morgue.
It was worth the rodeo.
If it was a rodeo, I could buck you!
And buck you, too!
Oh, hello, girls.
Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hi, Betty.
Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hi, Grandad!
Buck you, too!
What's wrong with him?
Oh, don't mind him, he has worms.
Do you want tea? No, thanks.
No, we just dropped in, we're on
our way to do some serious shopping.
Oh, so what brings you down?
Oh, this. Oh, what's this?
Oh, Cathy's cooking
a meal for the new boyfriend,
she's looking for inspiration.
I'll give her inspiration, shag him
and get some takeaway.
Right, we're off. Betty, don't make
yourself at home, come on.
Oh, here, Betty, before you go,
I want to give you something for
Bono.
Now, here, give him that, tell him
I sent it, it's his favourite.
Not any more. Why not?
Well, apparently the wrappers are
destroying the oceans,
and the chocolate comes from farmers
who are exploited,
and the cows' farts are destroying
the planet.
It's a bar of chocolate,
not a nuclear buckin' bomb.
Tell me about it,
he's talking about joining
Greenpeace during his summer
holidays.
Oh. You just missed the girls.
Maria left a book for you.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Calm down, Cathy,
have you got your ingredients?
Yeah, he's picking me up any minute,
cross your fingers for me.
Oh! Don't forget your chicken
breasts in the fridge. Oh, God, yes.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's him, it's Boris!
Relax, I'll let him in,
you concentrate on your breasts.
Oh, and don't forget your chicken.
DOOR CREAKS, WIND HOWLS
FOOTSTEPS ECHO
Are you Boris? Yes, I'm Boris!
Oh, well, how do you do?
That's a foggy night out there.
Fog?
Oh, I didn't notice.
Oh, this is Grandad.
Is he dead?
No, not yet, but nearly.
Hello, darling. All set?
I think so. I'm looking forward to
it. Good.
I hope your twins like chicken.
Oh, they'd eat anything.
CHUCKLES: Anything.
Good!
Erm, have you decided on what sauce?
Garlic.
HE SPLUTTERS
Oh, lovely.
Excuse me. Do you know
something? I've been thinking.
Really? And you still picked her?
Mammy, please! Erm, I'm just
kidding.
What, Boris? What were you thinking?
I think that tonight maybe it should
just be the two of us.
You want me to cook for just two?
No, no, let's just you
and me have a nice drink and a nice
romantic night.
Oh, that sounds nice,
maybe a Christmas drink?
A drink. Anyway, I'm not a big
fan of Christmas. Oh, really?
So you think all that Christmas
stuff is a myth?
Well, not all of it,
no, but, I mean, a jolly fat man
coming down the chimney
in the middle of the night?
SCOFFS: Ha! Mm! Mm!
Yeah, well, I understand,
you're a widower,
my first few Christmases were
dreadful.
As a widow? No, as a wife.
But what about the meal and your
girls?
Yeah, well, I will phone
the baby-sitter and...
..and who needs food on a beautiful
night like tonight?
It's pissing rain and fog out there.
Yeah, well, I'm sure
the food will keep
and you can cook on another night.
What do you think, Mammy,
will the chicken keep?
I don't know, love, we're halfway
through this episode, erm, I dunno.
You go on, have a good night.
Where could we go that would be
a nice, intimate night,
just, just me and you?
May I suggest our local, Foleys? You
won't be disturbed there.
Follow me!
Sing up!
Would you like to dance, Bozo?
It was so awful, Mammy!
Cathy, how was I to know that
Barbara was having the
Wash and Blow Christmas party last
night in Foleys?
It can't have been that bad. It was!
Dermot kept at Boris to sing,
Buster kept picking Boris's pocket,
then giving him back his wallet,
then picking it again.
Mark got Boris in a headlock,
demanding that he marry me...
Oh. ..and I think Dr Flynn kissed
Boris, tongues and all.
Urgh. It was awful! Oh.
Hi, Winnie. Hiya, love.
SHE MUMBLES
No, no, no, a disaster last night,
with the boyfriend, a disaster.
What? Go on, I'll tell you later.
No, I'll tell you later.
Fuck off!
Winnie, just sit down!
What's wrong, Cathy? Have you been
dumped again?
No, I haven't been dumped again,
Winnie, thank you.
Erm, well, not yet, anyway. Mammy!
Mind you, after last night, maybe.
Ah, yeah, Sharon said last night
the
Wash and Blow party was a great
night!
It was not a great night!
Yeah, she said that. It was awful.
Cathy, I'm sure he's had worse
nights than last night.
I mean, he's been married before.
Yeah, and I'm divorced
so we've both been there,
maybe you're right, Mammy.
Ah, now, you're divorced. Winnie.
I said before, we don't go there.
Don't mention the war, eh?
Winnie, that's a whole different
sitcom altogether. Sorry.
When are you seeing Bosch again?
It's Boris. We were supposed to
go to the pictures tonight,
but his baby-sitter let him down.
Sure, your mammy will look
after them, won't you, Agnes?
I beg your pardon? Would you, Mammy?
He could drop the girls off
when he's picking me up.
Of course she will! Sure, you're not
doing anything else, are you?
I don't know, Winnie, I might be
plotting the murder of my friend.
Oh, well, that won't take long.
Would you, Mammy?
Of course I will, no problem.
Aw, thanks, that's great,
I'll call him now! Aw.
Thanks for that. Ah, you're welcome.
SCOFFS: Yeah.
So, Winnie, you should enter the
competition in the Northside People,
it's called the Mind Your Own
Fuckin' Business competition.
Would you stop, Agnes? You know
you would do anything for your kids.
I suppose you're right. Yeah.
At one time, me and Redser decided
we didn't want any kids of our own.
What changed your mind?
Nobody would take them.
Do I switch it on?
No, not yet. Nearly finished,
Mrs Brown! OK, Buster.
Right, OK, Blister, switch it on.
AUDIENCE: Woo!
Now, repeat after me,
"I do believe, I do believe,"
and then just make a wish.
No, I'm going to see Santa later,
I'm going to make him
an offer he can't refuse.
I love you, Son!
Right, come on.
Mrs Brown! We're finished.
Oh, good man, there you go, Buster.
It's all there.
DOOR SHUTS
Who's that?
Just us, Mammy.
Oh, you two are a bit early.
Oh, no, no, no, we haven't even
picked the girls up from after music
school yet, I just wanted to come
and tell you how grateful
I am to you for baby-sitting.
All right. No problem.
Oh, hello. How are ye?
HE LAUGHS
This is my son, Blister.
Ah, how do you do, erm, Blister?
How are ye?
Mm. Right, we'll be off, then!
Hang on, Boris. Buster - wallet?
Gosh!
HE LAUGHS
My wristwatch? Buster?
I didn't take his watch.
Well, it's definitely gone!
Sorry.
Way to go, Son! I love you!
All right, next, I'm going to show
you the three-card trick.
Right, well, I'm going to try to get
myself a little nap.
Well, we'll drop the girls off
and we'll ask them
not to make too much noise
until you wake up.
Not at all, I'll be well
awake by the time they get here.
Come on, Boris, let's go.
I'll show yous out.
I want to show you me tree.
The lying bastard!
What's wrong, Mammy?
I've been duped by Buster again,
there's no tree.
I'll fucking kill him.
You should know better.
Go have your nap,
we can deal with Buster later.
So what movie are you going to see?
Oh, I don't know, a horror, maybe?
Oh, no, maybe a Christmas comedy.
Same thing.
Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha.
SCOFFS: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
SHE SIGHS
Sometimes, I don't know where
she gets them.
What the fu...? What's that?
It's a Christmas tree,
you stupid woman!
I know it's a Christmas tree,
but where did it come from?
Well, let me guess,
I'd say, erm, a forest?
Meh, meh!
I must be losing me mind.
Sure, I could've told you that,
stupid, stupid woman.
DOOR OPENS
Who's that? What's wrong?
Nothing, Boris just forgot his cane.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Oh, I'm glad yous came back,
and now yous can have a look at
me...
Your what?
Nothing. See you later, Mammy.
See you later.
DOOR SHUTS
Maybe I AM having flashbacks to
when I was in Vietnam.
I think it was Phnom Penh.
Oh, don't talk to me about Phnom
Penh - the battles, the nights.
Oh, God, worst holiday
I was ever on.
I'm going through the change
of life.
Again.
This'll be me fourth time.
You know, it's not...
Ah, for feck's sake!
Now, let me get this right,
the Christmas tree was there?
SHE MUMBLES
Then it wasn't? Puff! Then it was?
SHE MUMBLES
But then it wasn't?
It was...it...vamoose! Exactly.
That Christmas tree there,
the one I'm looking at right now?
I'm afraid to look, is it still
there. Yes, Granny, it's there.
Granny, I learned
about this at school,
it's called hyper-stress
hallucination.
There you go, Ma, nothing serious.
No, Dad, it is.
Granny, what you need to do is get
some rest, plenty of rest.
Thank you, Bono, love.
He's right, Ma, it will pass.
Do you want a cup of tea, Bono?
Is it ethically sourced
from a sustainable tea plantation?
No, no, it was ethically
sourced from buckin' Tesco's. Nah.
Your mammy tells me
you're thinking about going with
some eco warriors this summer.
Yeah, I want to do my bit to
save the planet.
Oh, that'll be nice, you might get
to meet that lovely girl,
erm, Greta Thornbush, lovely.
Thunberg.
Oh. And, yeah, she's one
of my heroes, she's determined to
undo the damage that your generation
have done to the planet.
I beg your pardon? I'm just saying.
What are you just saying, Bono?
I'm just saying that your generation
didn't really
care about the environment back
then.
In the Dark Ages? You know what I
mean. Yous didn't care. Here we go.
Well, you're probably right, love,
we didn't care,
but we did bring our milk bottles
and our mineral bottles back to the
shop, and they'd send them back to
be washed and sanitised and reused
again and again, yeah, but you're
right, we didn't really care, yeah.
I'm not saying you, Granny, I'm just
saying... In my day, we washed the
babies' nappies, we didn't throw one
out every time a baby had a shit!
And we didn't have a 2,500-watt
dryer to dry them in, no,
we hung them on the line!
I suppose you could say
we used solar power
and wind power to dry our washing.
Look, all I'm saying is...
And I tell you something else,
we drank water out of the tap,
we didn't buy plastic bottles
of water, no, and we didn't send
a signal out to space for 1,000
miles to order a buckin' pizza!
We walked down to the chipper!
But you're probably right, Son,
we didn't care,
not like your generation.
Are you sure you don't want tea?
No, thanks.
Come on, Dad, I'm going.
Good idea, Son. See you later, Ma.
See you, love, see you, Bono.
Tell Greta I said hello.
SHE SNORES AND MUTTERS
Oh, oh, God!
SHE GROANS
I didn't expect to sleep that long.
BOTH: Hello, Mrs Brown.
ARGH!
What the hell?
I'm trying to sleep, woman!
BOTH: Hello, Grandad.
Sorry, did we wake you?
HE MOANS
You must be Boris's daughters?
Make yourselves comfortable.
BOTH: Thank you.
Oh, God. I got the fright of me
feckin' life there.
ARGH!
A little bit of wee just came out
there.
BOTH: We fixed your table.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
How did yous do that?
BOTH: We like fixing things.
Mother of God!
BOTH: Merry Christmas, Mrs Brown.
No, no, I will not touch that till
you wash it, no.
Mammy, Mammy...
Argh! Leave me alone,
leave me alone!
Mammy, it's me and Boris.
Oh, the girls, where's the girls?
They're in the car.
They were asleep, too,
I carried them there, they had
a great time, thank you so much!
Great time? Goodnight, Cathy.
Goodnight, Boris.
Mwah-ha...excuse me.
Thanks again, Mammy!
Cathy, those girls are evil!
Mammy, those girls are seven,
they don't even know what evil is!
Really? Really? Now, then, tell me
this, what is that?
A coffee table.
Yes, but it was a coffee table that
was smashed to bits
and then put back together again
and they didn't even touch it!
Cathy, I'm telling you,
there's something not right here.
Look, tree is here, Boris is gone,
Boris is here, tree goes.
And they float, they float across
the feckin'...they float.
Get real, Mammy,
it must've been their skateboards,
they love those skateboards.
Cathy, I AM real, and skateboards,
my arse. They floated across there,
they floated across the hatch.
I'll show you, look!
Calm down, Mammy!
I AM calm! Argh! Jesus!
Who owns that fuckin' skateboard?
# We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year! #
Hey, come on, join us, yous two.
Oh, I don't think so,
we're good here, aren't we, Cathy?
Well, I wouldn't mind. Erm, no, no,
no, we're fine, we're fine.
Look, Boris, you're going to have to
accept that we like to have fun.
Yeah, we get a bit rowdy
but that's just the way we are.
I suppose a bit of rowdiness
among friends is OK.
Oh, no, Boris, we're not just
friends, we're all family!
THEY CHEER
Hit it there, Sharon!
MUSIC: We Are Family
by Sister Sledge
# We are family
# I got all my sisters with me
# We are family
# Get up, everybody, and sing
# Everyone can see we're
together as we walk on by
# And
# And we fly just like birds
of a feather
# I won't tell no lies
# All
# All of the people around us,
they say
# Can they be that close?
# Just let me state for the record
# We're giving love a in family dose
# We are family
# Hey, hey, hey, yeah!
# I got all my sisters with me... #
Come on, everybody!
# We are family
# Get up, everybody, and sing
# Sing it to me!
# We are family
# Get up, everybody, and sing
# We are family. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, this is a timely
reminder that most
accidents in the home
happen around Christmas.
SHE CHUCKLES
I can vouch for that because I had
two of them, Dermot AND Trevor.
It's been a weird year, you know,
with celebrations and loss.
I feel sorry for Cathy's Boris
and his loss.
I can remember back then,
being in the church, surrounded
by friends, but feeling all alone.
ALL: Aw!
It was a sad day, I cried a little,
and the priest looked at me, and
I looked at him, and I said, "I do".
We got outside and the people were
throwing some rice at us,
it was lovely,
except Winnie was throwing rice
and it was still in the fuckin' tin.
And then me waters broke
and, well, here we are.
SHE CHUCKLES
I love Christmas, but it can be
a lonely time for many people,
so pick up your phone and pick
someone out of your contacts,
somebody that you haven't
spoken to for a long time, call them
and just say, "Happy Christmas".
And also, be careful around
Christmas, I really mean it.
The worst accidents
at Christmas happen in the home.
Happy Chris... Happy Chris...
Ah, oh, shit!
# Say hello to the Queen
of Dublin town
# As the best mum of all she wears
the crown
# Mother hen watching all her chicks
# Sassy old lady full of tricks
# It's a safe bet she'd never let
life get her down
# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes
# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes... #
Merry Christmas!
# Our Mrs Brown. #