Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Mammy's Widow's Memories - full transcript
When a handsome stranger appears in Foley's Pub, everyone presumes he must be after Cathy. But the stranger reveals he only has eyes for one special woman: Agnes Brown herself. Will Agnes go on her first date in years? And if she does, who's in for the bigger surprise: Agnes Brown, or the stranger?
This programme contains
strong language.
SHE LAUGHS
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
♪ She's Mrs Brown
♪ That's Mrs Brown
♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪
Hello!
I'm just in the middle
of tidying the house.
You see, in two days' time
it'll be the 25th anniversary
of my Redser passing. Lord rest him.
And Father Damien is coming over to
do a little memorial ceremony
and a blessing.
Morning, Mammy.
Morning, chicken.
Big sausage!
DERMOT LAUGHS
Here, why don't you measure his IQ?
Very funny.
OK, height is 71 inches.
Here, what are those two up to?
Oh, Dermot's helping Buster fill out
some form for a dating site.
Some hope!
Well, at least he's trying.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Well, Cathy, in fairness, the
refrigerator light has gone out
more than you have
in the last two months.
Thanks for that, Mammy.
Sometimes I can't believe my ears.
I know, I should have taped them
back when you were a baby.
Ohh!
Well, some man will be
glad of them someday.
Now, where was I?
Redser… yes!
You know, losing
a husband is difficult,
in my case nearly impossible.
My grandmother was
a really tough woman.
She buried two husbands
and one of them was only asleep!
Right, date of birth?
16th of October.
What year?
Every year!
What year were you born?
Oh, right, sorry.
Well, me da' was five years older
than me ma when they got married,
and he was born in 1955,
but me ma was pregnant with me
before they were married,
and that was the year her ma,
my nan, got the shingles.
- So, 1988.
- Huh!
Who's a clever sausage?
SHE LAUGHS
- Occupation.
- Bitta this, bitta that!
- That won't do.
You're working for me part time
so I'll put down marketing, er…
Tool.
Operative. Marketing operative.
Why don't you put down thief?
Mrs Brown, I've gone straight…
ish.
Well, put down thief-ish.
And carpenter's assistant.
Mark said he has a bit of work
for me. A big contract.
Yes, and you keep your hands
to yourself on that contract.
It's important to Mark. I don't want
anything going missing-ish.
OK…
"Have you tried any other internet
sites looking for a date?"
Red Hot Amateurs, Triple X Videos…
…and Grannies Run Wild
With Their Teeth Out.
- Buster!
- No.
OK, that's it.
I'm getting excited now.
Imagine, Mrs Brown,
there's some girl out there
that doesn't even know that all
her dreams are going to come true.
Here, Ma, here's a sample
of some hot dogs.
Oh, here, son, put on your bun.
- It's cold out there.
- Oh, yeah.
Like a family album!
Buster Brady going out
on an internet date.
See you, Ma.
- See you, love.
- Love you, Mrs Brown!
Some girl is about to meet
Buster Brady and find out that
two billion years of evolution
was a waste of fuckin' time.
This is my favourite part
of the day, you know,
sitting down with a bit of peace and
quiet, dunking a few digestives.
Feckin' one left!
- Howya?
- Hello, Rory, love.
Cup of tea, love?
Yeah.
Freeze!
Step away from the digestive.
Mammy, do you know one of
the main causes of divorce?
Marriage.
No, boredom.
How do you keep the spice
in a relationship?
Be unpredictable, love.
Your father and I used to make
love in the dark all the time.
Oh?
So one night when he was
lying in the bed with the light on,
I walked into the bedroom stark
naked, wearing nothing but a smile.
In a sexy voice I said to him…
…"What can I do for you, Redser?"
And what did he say?
"Turn off the fuckin' light."
Thanks, Mammy!
Unpredictable.
Yeah!
So you just wanted to be
unpredictable?
MUFFLED SPEECH
I wonder what your Redser would be
doing if he was still alive today?
Probably trying to get
out of that fuckin' coffin.
- Howya, Cathy?
- Hiya, Winnie.
Friday night, I thought
you'd be out on a date.
Hello, Mark, could I have
a quick word?
Sure, Mr Gibney.
Is there a problem with the job?
The job is great.
You didn't come across a watch
when you were in the house, did ya?
No. Why, are you missing one?
It's worth a couple of thousand,
it was a present from the wife.
I'm sure I probably left it down
somewhere. I'm always doing that.
No worries, just thought I'd ask.
Thanks.
I'm telling you now, Mark.
Buster would never do that to YOU.
That's a nice watch, Mr Foley.
Yeah, I bought if off Buster Brady.
Cathy, you're being too hard
on yourself, love.
You're still young enough
and you're a fine thing.
It won't be long before my carer's
pushing me to my dates!
MRS BROWN LAUGHS
Excuse me, ladies,
I don't mean to interrupt.
But I've been watching you
from the bar, and I said to myself,
"William, you just have to buy
that beautiful lady a drink."
That's really kind of you,
but I'm in company here.
Sorry, dear,
I wasn't speaking of you.
I was speaking of this lady here.
Mammy?
Hello, you two!
Oh, hi!
We're just sitting here
not even thinking about you.
Why didn't you go home, Winnie?
Well, I was going to
but Cathy said to come over here
and not even think about you.
For God's sake, Winnie!
Look, Mammy, I was worried,
is that a crime?
Nope.
At least now you know how I felt
throughout your teenage years.
So…?
If you're asking did he take me
up a lane and scuttle me… no!
Mammy!
Did you get a feely of his yoyo?
Winnie, for God's sake.
Cathy, the man was
a perfect gentleman.
He asked me out on a date.
Well, I hope you said no.
- Why?
- Well, he's obviously
after something.
He wants you to hang out
of his yoyo!
Winnie, go home!
Go on, Winnie. Go home,
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- OK.
- Goodnight, love.
Mammy, seriously, you can't
just meet someone in a pub
and agree to go on a date.
I'm still an attractive woman, Cathy,
with needs.
Even a ripe banana likes to
be squeezed.
Even an old horse likes to jump.
Even a rusty bicycle…
Mammy!
I know what men can be like.
Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.
And don't I know it, Cathy.
This is not my first rodeo!
What's all this stuff?
Just old stuff I was going through,
see what I could throw out.
Ah, Agnes, the old gang!
God, I wouldn't recognise
any of them now.
Here, Agnes, you could have
had your pick of any of those lads
and you picked Redser.
Well, I didn't have me eye test
till a year after that was taken.
Ah, look! Valentine cards.
Yes, we sent Valentines to
each other for the first few years
and then it just wore off.
"To Agnes from Redser."
Aw, that's lovely!
Yeah, he used to write
little poems in them.
Here, listen to this one.
"My darling, my lover,
my beautiful wife
"Marrying you fucked up my life."
That's the one I sent him
that year.
Oh, right. Oh!
"I see your face when I'm dreaming
"That's probably why
I wake up screaming."
So, who says romance is dead?
I dunno, who?
Winnie, it's not a buckin' quiz.
- I'm a romantic.
- Are you?
I do lie in bed at night
looking up at the stars
and do you know what
I do be thinking?
"Where's my fuckin' ceiling?"
Winnie, I read a survey in a magazine
and it said the first thing men
notice about women is their eyes.
And the first thing women
notice about men
is that they are a bunch of liars.
So, you are going on this date,
then?
I said yes, but let me think…
Yes!
Cathy, is it killing you that
I have a date and you can't get one?
As a matter of fact,
I have a blind date this weekend!
Another blind date?
God, you must nearly qualify
for a guide dog at this stage.
Mammy, have you thought about…
sex?
Not for a very long time!
I think you're biting off more
than you can chew.
I'm not going to start with that,
I'll kiss him first!
Not funny, Mammy!
Look, Cathy,
the man is a complete gentleman.
He just wants company, that's all.
And maybe a feely of his yoyo.
Enough, Mrs McGoogan!
Winnie, go on, feck off!
I'll talk to you later.
I'm only thinking of you, Mammy.
Cathy, him and me are too old
to be having sex.
For God's sake, at our age
it would be like trying to put
the toothpaste back in the tube!
Mammy, I know YOU feel that way.
I don't think he's
thinking that way.
Mammy, you're a fine looking woman.
Oh, I know!
And he looks well
able for a good rumble.
A good rumble…!
Now, so once we've read out
a few prayers
then I believe Mark is going to say
a few words about his father.
- Mmm.
- Then I'm going to do a general
- blessing to the household.
Yeah.
Mrs Brown, you seem distracted?
Is it Grandad?
- Are you worried about his health?
- No, no, if he dies, he buckin' dies.
Oh, right.
Where was I? Oh, yes!
Once I've finished the blessing,
you were going to write out
some things about Redser
for me to say.
Here you go.
Thank you, Father.
HE CHUCKLES
That's funny!
Mrs Brown, what I say must be
benevolent or at least clean!
Fine, I'll try again.
Right, I'll drop by during
the week to pick it up.
- Bye, Dr Flynn.
- Bye, Father.
All good, Mrs Brown, I'm done here.
Dr Flynn, could I have a quick word?
- Certainly, Mrs Brown.
- Thank you.
- What can I do for you?
- Dr Flynn, I'm…
- I'm a widow.
- Yes?
And I have been for a long time…
Yes?
What do you think about having sex?
Mrs Brown, I may have been
giving off the wrong signal but…
I'm very fond of you,
but there's no way I…
Not you, you feckin' eejit!
I'm mixed up, not hard up!
I have a date
and I'm just worried that,
you know, he might expect a bit…
Well, you have all the
working parts.
Well, yes, I do.
The vital ingredient is having
the urge to have sex.
And that urge can be found
and enhanced through foreplay.
A little tickle here,
a gentle kiss there,
a soft stroke…
…a hot tongue…
on the back of your…
I have to go.
Bless you.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Father, I might have
cheated at bingo.
Ah, Mrs Brown?
Is there anything
I can help you with?
Father, I am a widow.
Yes.
And that's single, right?
Well, yes.
So if I was to have sex
with a man, would it be…?
A miracle?
Would it be a sin?
Oh, I see.
Well, Mrs Brown,
I find questions like that
are difficult to pass judgment on.
For instance,
what if I get urges?
Oh, I see.
Well, you were in convent school,
weren't you?
Yes, Father. The Blessed
Sisters of the Moving Statues.
And do you remember what they
taught you young ladies to do
- if you get these urges?
- Not really, Father.
They teach you
if you get these urges,
you're to get on your knees
and say a prayer.
Yes. I never got past the
"get on your knees" bit.
Look, Mrs Brown, the scripture
tells us that the giving of oneself
in the flesh is a good thing
between a husband and a wife.
But outside the sacrament
of marriage it's forbidden.
As is adultery.
MRS BROWN SNORES
Mrs Brown?
THUDDING
Mrs Brown!
♪ All around the garden,
like a teddy bear,
♪ One step, two step
♪ And tiddly under there. ♪
You're so bold!
You're an animal!
Look at them!
I don't know what Mammy thinks
she's playing at.
Hey, Mammy has a date, so what?
Buster Brady.
Mark Brown.
You, me, outside now!
John Wayne, Rio Bravo.
Am I right? Ha!
- Hold it, Mark.
- Don't get involved, Dermot.
I'm already involved, Mark,
he's me best mate and you're wrong!
Now, listen, Mr Foley!
- Yes, lads?
- I see you're not wearing
- the watch you bought from Buster?
No, it's broken…
useless piece of crap!
So, how's life, Cathy?
Well, I'm not getting as
much lovin' as me mother.
Well, my internet date
hasn't turned up.
♪ A-one step, a-two step… ♪
Right, well, I'm getting a drink.
Buster, I owe you an apology.
For what?
An expensive watch went missing
and I accused you of robbing it
and selling it to Mr Foley.
I suppose it'll take a while for me
past to be left behind.
- It's all right, it doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does.
- I'm sorry, all right?
- Sure.
Buster, there you are!
- Hello, Father.
- I just wanted
- to thank you.
I had it checked
and it IS a real Rolex!
OK, Father, keep your voice down!
♪ Incy, wincy spider… ♪
- Oh.
- Oh!
- I wonder where
- this little fellow is off to?
MRS BROWN LAUGHS
Maybe he's going to give you
a little surprise?
Maybe he is!
But if he's going
where I think he's going,
I might have a little
surprise for him!
What a wonderful evening
this is turning out to be!
Yes…
Mammy!
(Fuck's sake!)
What, Cathy?
Can I get you something to drink?
Excuse me a moment, William,
I'm just going to powder my arse.
What is wrong with you?
Mammy, I'm really worried
this is moving too fast.
OK, if you're really worried,
why don't you follow us home?
You can hide in the cubby hole
and if I need you I'll call you.
Great idea. Wait a minute.
- What?
- What if you want me to go? I
- don't want to stand there all night!
Good idea.
Right, well, if something happens
and I'm agreeable,
I'll give you a signal
and you'll just go.
- OK.
- OK!
- What's the signal?
Ah, sh…
It'll be, "Oh, uh-uh!"
- Mammy!
- I'm just kidding.
No, I'll go, "Cathy, feck off!"
- Subtle!
- My middle name.
Oh, and my safe word is,
"Caw-caw! Caw-caw!"
Come in.
Sit down anywhere.
Ah, that's a very inviting couch.
Caw, caw! Caw, caw!
What about here?
OK.
Come, Agnes, sit beside me.
Ah, there is nothing like
the scent of a real woman!
Now, where were we
when we were interruped?
Oh…!
Caw! Caw!
- I'll just put the kettle on.
- Oh, I don't want tea.
I fuckin' do!
Are you OK?
Cathy, remind me again.
The knickers, the thong,
the skinny bit… does it go
to the front or the back?
The back!
Ah, feck it! I knew it!
I have been flossing all
the way from here to Foley's!
Mammy, just tell him to go.
I will not!
Look, you stand by in case I need
you and I'll give the signal.
But I think this is going OK.
Agnes, come, darling. Sit.
Oh!
Caw-caw! Caw-caw!
Well, I know where we were.
I was going to SURPRISE you.
SNAPPING
Jeez!
Who the hell puts a mousetrap
up one's dress?
I do! You never know when
your pussy's going to be asleep.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Winnie McGoogan,
what are you doing here?
You're a Hunt.
Winnie, that's a bit strong,
it was just a grope!
Billy, Billy Hunt.
I knew you were familiar!
He used to hang around with
the gang from the west, Agnes.
It is you!
You're Billy Hunt, Redser's friend.
That's right, Agnes,
I'm little Billy Hunt.
What do you think you are doing?
You tried this before on me
behind Redser's back.
I refused you then
and I reject you…
now.
Oh, come on, Agnes.
Redser never deserved you.
You, the walking goddess!
You, the raven haired
vision of beauty!
You, a princess among frogs.
How dare you!
Winnie, let the man speak.
Go on… frogs.
Yes, you rejected me back then,
when I was little more than a boy.
I was the laughing stock
of our gang.
But then I went to England,
I worked hard,
I built and built my life
and fortune day by day
to become the largest supplier
of 500 thread count bed sheets
to the bed and breakfast industry.
South Coast region!
Always thinking of you.
Building to this moment,
when I could return to Finglas
and claim my prize.
She's no prize!
Will you shut the fuck up?
What do you say, Agnes?
Go!
Leave the two of us alone.
Good girl, Agnes!
Winnie, I'm fuckin' talking to you!
Go, get on!
Night, then. Night, Billy.
Billy Liar!
- Agnes.
- Don't speak!
Cathy, feck off!
So, you do feel the same?
No, I don't.
Redser Brown was not
a great husband to me but…
he was a good friend to you.
And friends don't do that to friends.
But I'm rich!
I could make you happy.
I'm already happy.
Agnes?
Oh…!
Just go.
I'll never let go!
I know you're all there, listening.
And may God's blessing be upon this
house and all the family within.
Give it up for the Father!
I'm not finished.
Fair enough.
In the name of the Father
and the Son, etc, etc, etc.
And now I'd like to read out
some words
that Mrs Brown asked me to read.
I'm just reading these,
I didn't write them.
"Redser, you miserable fecker."
- I'll take over from here, Father.
- Oh, thank God!
Look, Redser Brown was no saint.
And I have been hard on his memory
by saying things like,
"He left me with nothing."
Well, that's not quite true.
He left me some special things.
A fine eldest son
who works day and night.
A son who just wants to
make the world a better place.
Something every mother craves…
a gay son.
A daughter who still has it,
even if no-one wants to see it.
And Dermot…
At the end of the day…
Redser left me with the most
important thing of all… family.
And for that, I thank him.
May he rot in hell.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Party!
- You OK, Mammy?
- I'm fine, love.
That was a nice memorial, wasn't it?
You know, it's funny
when the past comes back to visit.
I bet.
That's why I never got
this Facebook thing, you know,
somebody popping into your page
and going, "Hello!
"We haven't spoken for 30 years!"
Well, there's a buckin' reason why!
Are you coming back in?
I'll be in in a minute, love.
You go on ahead.
The past, eh?
The past doesn't matter
and the future… who knows?
It's the present that counts.
The present, do you know why
it's called the present?
Because it's a gift.
Enjoy the gift
because tomorrow it'll be the past,
and it won't matter.
I like my life.
I was that close to
getting my hands on his yoyo!
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE
♪ Say hello to the queen
of Dublin town
♪ As the best mum of all,
she wears the crown
♪ A mother hen watching
all her chicks
♪ A sassy old lady full of tricks
♪ It's a safe bet she'd never let
life get her down
♪ She's Mrs Brown
♪ That's Mrs Brown
♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪
strong language.
SHE LAUGHS
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
♪ She's Mrs Brown
♪ That's Mrs Brown
♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪
Hello!
I'm just in the middle
of tidying the house.
You see, in two days' time
it'll be the 25th anniversary
of my Redser passing. Lord rest him.
And Father Damien is coming over to
do a little memorial ceremony
and a blessing.
Morning, Mammy.
Morning, chicken.
Big sausage!
DERMOT LAUGHS
Here, why don't you measure his IQ?
Very funny.
OK, height is 71 inches.
Here, what are those two up to?
Oh, Dermot's helping Buster fill out
some form for a dating site.
Some hope!
Well, at least he's trying.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Well, Cathy, in fairness, the
refrigerator light has gone out
more than you have
in the last two months.
Thanks for that, Mammy.
Sometimes I can't believe my ears.
I know, I should have taped them
back when you were a baby.
Ohh!
Well, some man will be
glad of them someday.
Now, where was I?
Redser… yes!
You know, losing
a husband is difficult,
in my case nearly impossible.
My grandmother was
a really tough woman.
She buried two husbands
and one of them was only asleep!
Right, date of birth?
16th of October.
What year?
Every year!
What year were you born?
Oh, right, sorry.
Well, me da' was five years older
than me ma when they got married,
and he was born in 1955,
but me ma was pregnant with me
before they were married,
and that was the year her ma,
my nan, got the shingles.
- So, 1988.
- Huh!
Who's a clever sausage?
SHE LAUGHS
- Occupation.
- Bitta this, bitta that!
- That won't do.
You're working for me part time
so I'll put down marketing, er…
Tool.
Operative. Marketing operative.
Why don't you put down thief?
Mrs Brown, I've gone straight…
ish.
Well, put down thief-ish.
And carpenter's assistant.
Mark said he has a bit of work
for me. A big contract.
Yes, and you keep your hands
to yourself on that contract.
It's important to Mark. I don't want
anything going missing-ish.
OK…
"Have you tried any other internet
sites looking for a date?"
Red Hot Amateurs, Triple X Videos…
…and Grannies Run Wild
With Their Teeth Out.
- Buster!
- No.
OK, that's it.
I'm getting excited now.
Imagine, Mrs Brown,
there's some girl out there
that doesn't even know that all
her dreams are going to come true.
Here, Ma, here's a sample
of some hot dogs.
Oh, here, son, put on your bun.
- It's cold out there.
- Oh, yeah.
Like a family album!
Buster Brady going out
on an internet date.
See you, Ma.
- See you, love.
- Love you, Mrs Brown!
Some girl is about to meet
Buster Brady and find out that
two billion years of evolution
was a waste of fuckin' time.
This is my favourite part
of the day, you know,
sitting down with a bit of peace and
quiet, dunking a few digestives.
Feckin' one left!
- Howya?
- Hello, Rory, love.
Cup of tea, love?
Yeah.
Freeze!
Step away from the digestive.
Mammy, do you know one of
the main causes of divorce?
Marriage.
No, boredom.
How do you keep the spice
in a relationship?
Be unpredictable, love.
Your father and I used to make
love in the dark all the time.
Oh?
So one night when he was
lying in the bed with the light on,
I walked into the bedroom stark
naked, wearing nothing but a smile.
In a sexy voice I said to him…
…"What can I do for you, Redser?"
And what did he say?
"Turn off the fuckin' light."
Thanks, Mammy!
Unpredictable.
Yeah!
So you just wanted to be
unpredictable?
MUFFLED SPEECH
I wonder what your Redser would be
doing if he was still alive today?
Probably trying to get
out of that fuckin' coffin.
- Howya, Cathy?
- Hiya, Winnie.
Friday night, I thought
you'd be out on a date.
Hello, Mark, could I have
a quick word?
Sure, Mr Gibney.
Is there a problem with the job?
The job is great.
You didn't come across a watch
when you were in the house, did ya?
No. Why, are you missing one?
It's worth a couple of thousand,
it was a present from the wife.
I'm sure I probably left it down
somewhere. I'm always doing that.
No worries, just thought I'd ask.
Thanks.
I'm telling you now, Mark.
Buster would never do that to YOU.
That's a nice watch, Mr Foley.
Yeah, I bought if off Buster Brady.
Cathy, you're being too hard
on yourself, love.
You're still young enough
and you're a fine thing.
It won't be long before my carer's
pushing me to my dates!
MRS BROWN LAUGHS
Excuse me, ladies,
I don't mean to interrupt.
But I've been watching you
from the bar, and I said to myself,
"William, you just have to buy
that beautiful lady a drink."
That's really kind of you,
but I'm in company here.
Sorry, dear,
I wasn't speaking of you.
I was speaking of this lady here.
Mammy?
Hello, you two!
Oh, hi!
We're just sitting here
not even thinking about you.
Why didn't you go home, Winnie?
Well, I was going to
but Cathy said to come over here
and not even think about you.
For God's sake, Winnie!
Look, Mammy, I was worried,
is that a crime?
Nope.
At least now you know how I felt
throughout your teenage years.
So…?
If you're asking did he take me
up a lane and scuttle me… no!
Mammy!
Did you get a feely of his yoyo?
Winnie, for God's sake.
Cathy, the man was
a perfect gentleman.
He asked me out on a date.
Well, I hope you said no.
- Why?
- Well, he's obviously
after something.
He wants you to hang out
of his yoyo!
Winnie, go home!
Go on, Winnie. Go home,
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- OK.
- Goodnight, love.
Mammy, seriously, you can't
just meet someone in a pub
and agree to go on a date.
I'm still an attractive woman, Cathy,
with needs.
Even a ripe banana likes to
be squeezed.
Even an old horse likes to jump.
Even a rusty bicycle…
Mammy!
I know what men can be like.
Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.
And don't I know it, Cathy.
This is not my first rodeo!
What's all this stuff?
Just old stuff I was going through,
see what I could throw out.
Ah, Agnes, the old gang!
God, I wouldn't recognise
any of them now.
Here, Agnes, you could have
had your pick of any of those lads
and you picked Redser.
Well, I didn't have me eye test
till a year after that was taken.
Ah, look! Valentine cards.
Yes, we sent Valentines to
each other for the first few years
and then it just wore off.
"To Agnes from Redser."
Aw, that's lovely!
Yeah, he used to write
little poems in them.
Here, listen to this one.
"My darling, my lover,
my beautiful wife
"Marrying you fucked up my life."
That's the one I sent him
that year.
Oh, right. Oh!
"I see your face when I'm dreaming
"That's probably why
I wake up screaming."
So, who says romance is dead?
I dunno, who?
Winnie, it's not a buckin' quiz.
- I'm a romantic.
- Are you?
I do lie in bed at night
looking up at the stars
and do you know what
I do be thinking?
"Where's my fuckin' ceiling?"
Winnie, I read a survey in a magazine
and it said the first thing men
notice about women is their eyes.
And the first thing women
notice about men
is that they are a bunch of liars.
So, you are going on this date,
then?
I said yes, but let me think…
Yes!
Cathy, is it killing you that
I have a date and you can't get one?
As a matter of fact,
I have a blind date this weekend!
Another blind date?
God, you must nearly qualify
for a guide dog at this stage.
Mammy, have you thought about…
sex?
Not for a very long time!
I think you're biting off more
than you can chew.
I'm not going to start with that,
I'll kiss him first!
Not funny, Mammy!
Look, Cathy,
the man is a complete gentleman.
He just wants company, that's all.
And maybe a feely of his yoyo.
Enough, Mrs McGoogan!
Winnie, go on, feck off!
I'll talk to you later.
I'm only thinking of you, Mammy.
Cathy, him and me are too old
to be having sex.
For God's sake, at our age
it would be like trying to put
the toothpaste back in the tube!
Mammy, I know YOU feel that way.
I don't think he's
thinking that way.
Mammy, you're a fine looking woman.
Oh, I know!
And he looks well
able for a good rumble.
A good rumble…!
Now, so once we've read out
a few prayers
then I believe Mark is going to say
a few words about his father.
- Mmm.
- Then I'm going to do a general
- blessing to the household.
Yeah.
Mrs Brown, you seem distracted?
Is it Grandad?
- Are you worried about his health?
- No, no, if he dies, he buckin' dies.
Oh, right.
Where was I? Oh, yes!
Once I've finished the blessing,
you were going to write out
some things about Redser
for me to say.
Here you go.
Thank you, Father.
HE CHUCKLES
That's funny!
Mrs Brown, what I say must be
benevolent or at least clean!
Fine, I'll try again.
Right, I'll drop by during
the week to pick it up.
- Bye, Dr Flynn.
- Bye, Father.
All good, Mrs Brown, I'm done here.
Dr Flynn, could I have a quick word?
- Certainly, Mrs Brown.
- Thank you.
- What can I do for you?
- Dr Flynn, I'm…
- I'm a widow.
- Yes?
And I have been for a long time…
Yes?
What do you think about having sex?
Mrs Brown, I may have been
giving off the wrong signal but…
I'm very fond of you,
but there's no way I…
Not you, you feckin' eejit!
I'm mixed up, not hard up!
I have a date
and I'm just worried that,
you know, he might expect a bit…
Well, you have all the
working parts.
Well, yes, I do.
The vital ingredient is having
the urge to have sex.
And that urge can be found
and enhanced through foreplay.
A little tickle here,
a gentle kiss there,
a soft stroke…
…a hot tongue…
on the back of your…
I have to go.
Bless you.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Father, I might have
cheated at bingo.
Ah, Mrs Brown?
Is there anything
I can help you with?
Father, I am a widow.
Yes.
And that's single, right?
Well, yes.
So if I was to have sex
with a man, would it be…?
A miracle?
Would it be a sin?
Oh, I see.
Well, Mrs Brown,
I find questions like that
are difficult to pass judgment on.
For instance,
what if I get urges?
Oh, I see.
Well, you were in convent school,
weren't you?
Yes, Father. The Blessed
Sisters of the Moving Statues.
And do you remember what they
taught you young ladies to do
- if you get these urges?
- Not really, Father.
They teach you
if you get these urges,
you're to get on your knees
and say a prayer.
Yes. I never got past the
"get on your knees" bit.
Look, Mrs Brown, the scripture
tells us that the giving of oneself
in the flesh is a good thing
between a husband and a wife.
But outside the sacrament
of marriage it's forbidden.
As is adultery.
MRS BROWN SNORES
Mrs Brown?
THUDDING
Mrs Brown!
♪ All around the garden,
like a teddy bear,
♪ One step, two step
♪ And tiddly under there. ♪
You're so bold!
You're an animal!
Look at them!
I don't know what Mammy thinks
she's playing at.
Hey, Mammy has a date, so what?
Buster Brady.
Mark Brown.
You, me, outside now!
John Wayne, Rio Bravo.
Am I right? Ha!
- Hold it, Mark.
- Don't get involved, Dermot.
I'm already involved, Mark,
he's me best mate and you're wrong!
Now, listen, Mr Foley!
- Yes, lads?
- I see you're not wearing
- the watch you bought from Buster?
No, it's broken…
useless piece of crap!
So, how's life, Cathy?
Well, I'm not getting as
much lovin' as me mother.
Well, my internet date
hasn't turned up.
♪ A-one step, a-two step… ♪
Right, well, I'm getting a drink.
Buster, I owe you an apology.
For what?
An expensive watch went missing
and I accused you of robbing it
and selling it to Mr Foley.
I suppose it'll take a while for me
past to be left behind.
- It's all right, it doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does.
- I'm sorry, all right?
- Sure.
Buster, there you are!
- Hello, Father.
- I just wanted
- to thank you.
I had it checked
and it IS a real Rolex!
OK, Father, keep your voice down!
♪ Incy, wincy spider… ♪
- Oh.
- Oh!
- I wonder where
- this little fellow is off to?
MRS BROWN LAUGHS
Maybe he's going to give you
a little surprise?
Maybe he is!
But if he's going
where I think he's going,
I might have a little
surprise for him!
What a wonderful evening
this is turning out to be!
Yes…
Mammy!
(Fuck's sake!)
What, Cathy?
Can I get you something to drink?
Excuse me a moment, William,
I'm just going to powder my arse.
What is wrong with you?
Mammy, I'm really worried
this is moving too fast.
OK, if you're really worried,
why don't you follow us home?
You can hide in the cubby hole
and if I need you I'll call you.
Great idea. Wait a minute.
- What?
- What if you want me to go? I
- don't want to stand there all night!
Good idea.
Right, well, if something happens
and I'm agreeable,
I'll give you a signal
and you'll just go.
- OK.
- OK!
- What's the signal?
Ah, sh…
It'll be, "Oh, uh-uh!"
- Mammy!
- I'm just kidding.
No, I'll go, "Cathy, feck off!"
- Subtle!
- My middle name.
Oh, and my safe word is,
"Caw-caw! Caw-caw!"
Come in.
Sit down anywhere.
Ah, that's a very inviting couch.
Caw, caw! Caw, caw!
What about here?
OK.
Come, Agnes, sit beside me.
Ah, there is nothing like
the scent of a real woman!
Now, where were we
when we were interruped?
Oh…!
Caw! Caw!
- I'll just put the kettle on.
- Oh, I don't want tea.
I fuckin' do!
Are you OK?
Cathy, remind me again.
The knickers, the thong,
the skinny bit… does it go
to the front or the back?
The back!
Ah, feck it! I knew it!
I have been flossing all
the way from here to Foley's!
Mammy, just tell him to go.
I will not!
Look, you stand by in case I need
you and I'll give the signal.
But I think this is going OK.
Agnes, come, darling. Sit.
Oh!
Caw-caw! Caw-caw!
Well, I know where we were.
I was going to SURPRISE you.
SNAPPING
Jeez!
Who the hell puts a mousetrap
up one's dress?
I do! You never know when
your pussy's going to be asleep.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Winnie McGoogan,
what are you doing here?
You're a Hunt.
Winnie, that's a bit strong,
it was just a grope!
Billy, Billy Hunt.
I knew you were familiar!
He used to hang around with
the gang from the west, Agnes.
It is you!
You're Billy Hunt, Redser's friend.
That's right, Agnes,
I'm little Billy Hunt.
What do you think you are doing?
You tried this before on me
behind Redser's back.
I refused you then
and I reject you…
now.
Oh, come on, Agnes.
Redser never deserved you.
You, the walking goddess!
You, the raven haired
vision of beauty!
You, a princess among frogs.
How dare you!
Winnie, let the man speak.
Go on… frogs.
Yes, you rejected me back then,
when I was little more than a boy.
I was the laughing stock
of our gang.
But then I went to England,
I worked hard,
I built and built my life
and fortune day by day
to become the largest supplier
of 500 thread count bed sheets
to the bed and breakfast industry.
South Coast region!
Always thinking of you.
Building to this moment,
when I could return to Finglas
and claim my prize.
She's no prize!
Will you shut the fuck up?
What do you say, Agnes?
Go!
Leave the two of us alone.
Good girl, Agnes!
Winnie, I'm fuckin' talking to you!
Go, get on!
Night, then. Night, Billy.
Billy Liar!
- Agnes.
- Don't speak!
Cathy, feck off!
So, you do feel the same?
No, I don't.
Redser Brown was not
a great husband to me but…
he was a good friend to you.
And friends don't do that to friends.
But I'm rich!
I could make you happy.
I'm already happy.
Agnes?
Oh…!
Just go.
I'll never let go!
I know you're all there, listening.
And may God's blessing be upon this
house and all the family within.
Give it up for the Father!
I'm not finished.
Fair enough.
In the name of the Father
and the Son, etc, etc, etc.
And now I'd like to read out
some words
that Mrs Brown asked me to read.
I'm just reading these,
I didn't write them.
"Redser, you miserable fecker."
- I'll take over from here, Father.
- Oh, thank God!
Look, Redser Brown was no saint.
And I have been hard on his memory
by saying things like,
"He left me with nothing."
Well, that's not quite true.
He left me some special things.
A fine eldest son
who works day and night.
A son who just wants to
make the world a better place.
Something every mother craves…
a gay son.
A daughter who still has it,
even if no-one wants to see it.
And Dermot…
At the end of the day…
Redser left me with the most
important thing of all… family.
And for that, I thank him.
May he rot in hell.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Party!
- You OK, Mammy?
- I'm fine, love.
That was a nice memorial, wasn't it?
You know, it's funny
when the past comes back to visit.
I bet.
That's why I never got
this Facebook thing, you know,
somebody popping into your page
and going, "Hello!
"We haven't spoken for 30 years!"
Well, there's a buckin' reason why!
Are you coming back in?
I'll be in in a minute, love.
You go on ahead.
The past, eh?
The past doesn't matter
and the future… who knows?
It's the present that counts.
The present, do you know why
it's called the present?
Because it's a gift.
Enjoy the gift
because tomorrow it'll be the past,
and it won't matter.
I like my life.
I was that close to
getting my hands on his yoyo!
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE
♪ Say hello to the queen
of Dublin town
♪ As the best mum of all,
she wears the crown
♪ A mother hen watching
all her chicks
♪ A sassy old lady full of tricks
♪ It's a safe bet she'd never let
life get her down
♪ She's Mrs Brown
♪ That's Mrs Brown
♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪