Mrs. Brown's Boys (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Mammy's Motel - full transcript
During a storm the pipes burst in Winnie and Sharon's house so Agnes offers them a place to stay, leading to a storm within the Brown household. Agnes is asked by Father Damian to do an eulogy for a neighbour she neither knew nor liked.
Jesus, that's after blowing
everything off me bush.
Hello, there.
My God, what a night out there.
That storm would cut
the snot off you.
I'm cold! It's freezing!
And the snow is so deep.
My milkman is 6'2".
He said to me,
"My knees are freezing."
I said, "Your bucking knees are."
Are you OK, Mammy?
No, Cathy, I'm not.
I'm after going out to check
the boiler out of the back
and I nearly got frozen to death.
Aw, poor you.
Here, did you see my laptop?
Oh, there it is.
What's this? It is smelly stuff.
I put it on my pot pourri.
You should try it.
It's really nice.
I know it's really nice.
It's mine.
Mammy, this is Egyptian Sunset.
It's very, very expensive.
Well, maybe you should keep
it very, very safe.
I did keep it safe.
It was in my room.
And I locked the door.
Locks!
My God, Agnes.
What a day.
Winnie, you looked
like a sniper there, you did!
Here, I haven't seen you all week.
Were you hiding in the bush?
I called around to you Monday
and you weren't there.
No. I went to the pictures
with Annie Butler.
Did you now?
With Annie Butler?
Agnes, she's really funny.
She's hilarious.
You were supposed to come
around here on Wednesday
and you never turned up. I know.
Annie asked me to go out
with her to pick out wallpaper.
What's wrong with her?
Is she colour-blind?
I don't think so.
Anyway, why did you call
around to see me on Monday?
To tell you not to come
around on Wednesday.
PHONE RINGS
I'll get it.
I said I'd go to the bingo
tonight with Annie.
Did you now?
Well, you never asked me.
Sorry.
Can I go to the bingo
tonight with Annie?
You never invited me!
Winnie, it's Sharon on the phone.
You better get back home.
The pipes in your attic are frozen
and they've just burst.
Jesus, no.
Maybe Annie has a toolkit.
PHONE RINGS
That will be Sharon.
Here, tell Sharon she's on her way,
not to be panicking.
Hello.
Yes. I'm not here.
No, it's her daughter, Cathy.
I am not here!
Oh, my God!
I'm here, Cathy! I'm here!
What is it? I'm so sorry.
Cathy, I am here.
I'll tell Mammy. Yes.
And again, I'm really sorry.
What is it, Cathy?
That was Mick Scully on the phone.
His wife Nelly just passed away.
Oh, my God.
Nelly Scully.
Gone!
Oh, good Lord.
Oh, my God!
You don't know who she is, do you?
Not a bucking clue.
Nelly. Nelly Scully.
Nelly Scully?
Yes! No.
Daddy's cousin from the flats.
Fat Belly Nelly? Yes.
I never liked her.
Mammy!
Fine, fine.
May the Lord Jesus Christ,
the blessings of Jesus
and the donkey that took them all
to Bethlehem be upon her now.
Is my hair all right?
It's fine.
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, new Rory.
Hello, old Dino.
I'm sorry, I'm just
in a bit of shock.
You won't believe who passed away.
Who?
What's her name again?
Nelly Scully.
Nelly Scully.
Fat Belly Nelly.
No, how awful.
And so sudden.
Who was she?
I don't know. But it's awful.
Oh, you're so sexy when you weep.
Oh, Rory.
You need to change
that to "You're so sexy
"when you're nearly weeping."
Fat Belly Nelly.
Oh, no, that's so awful,
and so sudden.
Who was she?
I don't know but it's awful.
Oh, you're so sexy when you weep.
Wait, wait, wait.
Fat Belly Nelly.
Oh, no.
That's awful and so sudden.
Who was she?
I don't know but it's awful.
Oh, you're so sexy when you weep.
Oh, Dino!
Oh, Rory!
Oh, Jesus!
What has you two out
on a night like tonight?
You're hardly trawling,
unless you've an ice-breaker.
Well, Dino and I've been thinking.
Oh, there's a change.
We're married four years now.
Oh, my God.
And it's time we'd someone
to share our love.
A threesome?
No!
A foursome?
No!
A fivesome?
An org - an orgery?
A hop over on the back
and gip into town?
Certainly not.
We want to adopt a baby.
We've all the papers, Mammy,
we just want to see
if you'd be our reference person.
Oh, that's wonderful, lads,
how nice.
I know.
Let me get this straight,
no offence, Dino.
None taken.
I have always been a very strong
supporter
of the LGBTLMNOP community...
Have you really
thought this through?
We have.
Raising a baby is
a serious business.
It can go horribly wrong.
I know.
It'll be a boy.
He'll be blonde,
and his name will be Sasha.
That's nice!
The ceiling collapsed.
The water was flowing
down the stairs like, like...
Like the pipes were burst?
Exactly.
The carpet in the sitting
room is soaked.
I'll have to throw most of it out.
It was awful, Agnes.
Mrs McGoogan, you just stop
worrying about any of that.
The insurance company
will cover all of those costs.
I suppose so, Cathy.
Here, Agnes, thanks for letting me
and Sharon stay here last night.
Will you stop it? For God's sake.
That's what friends do.
The insurance company said
they'd pay for a hotel
for me and Sharon.
Winnie McGoogan, you will not
stay in a strange hotel -
you will stay here
among friends, family.
Well, maybe a hotel
would be more comfortable.
No, I insist.
I'm not having my best friend
farmed out like a stray dog.
Ah, thanks, Agnes.
I'll just go over to the house
and get whatever of my clothes
is not soaked.
Oh, where's Sharon, Cathy?
She's up in my room
getting ready for work.
Well, I'll get her clothes, as well.
Oh, and her make-up.
That'll be five trips.
Tell her I'll see
her in a few minutes, Cathy.
OK.
With that weather
I haven't been out all week -
I'd better get a shop in.
All that's left up there is three
packets of crisps and a bottle
of olive oil that lost
its virginity...
..a long time ago,
like myself.
Mammy, are you sure?
Sure about what?
You know, that you want Winnie
and Sharon staying here.
Yes, Cathy, they're family.
Anyway, it's only
for a couple of days.
A couple of days? Yes.
The builder said it could be a month
before they get back
into their house.
A few days, a month...
A bucking month? Yes.
It'll be fine.
Sure, we've known each other for
years, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Hiyas.
Right, I'm off.
Mother of divine God.
What? Am I wearing too much make-up?
Not if you're going
out to kill Batman.
You look fine, Sharon.
Thanks, Cathy.
Here, Cathy, that Egyptian Sunset
perfume is gorgeous.
Smell.
Yeah, gorgeous.
I didn't know you used that, too.
I don't.
There's a bottle of it up
in your room, help yourself.
Thanks! See ya.
BOTH: This isn't going to work.
Hey, Sharon.
Hey, Mammy.
Hello, Dermot.
Hello, Maria.
Hiya, Mrs Brown.
Hiya, Cathy.
Oh, that was some storm last night.
I only went out to the yard
to check the boiler
and I nearly froze to death.
In your dressing gown?
Yes, and no knickers.
Too much info, Ma.
I had icicles dripping
out of my fecking...
Mammy!
Well, you did right not to bring
the triplets out in that weather.
It's not the weather.
They're quarantined.
What? Why?
Nits.
The school's walking with them.
Oh.
That's why I came over with Dermot.
I was hoping Mark or
Betty would be here.
Why, for what?
Well, I'm not going to bring
the boys to the party,
just in case.
I mean, we'll be there
but just not the boys.
Will you tell her?
Party, what party?
Bono's birthday party.
He's 13 next weekend.
Oh, my God, so he is.
I nearly forgot.
Cathy, will you tell
Betty if you see her?
Sure I will, she'll understand.
Here he is, Brushter Brady.
Did you have a brush with the law?
Yeah, good one.
What's wrong, Buster, what's up?
Dermot, can I have next weekend off?
I can't work.
Sure you can. Why?
I have to babysit.
I didn't know you had
nephews or nieces.
I haven't.
So, who you minding?
My son.
EASTENDERS DUFF-DUFFS PLAY
We were just young, you know?
How long were you two together?
Three, maybe four...
..days.
Days?
Jesus, and you barely had time
to get her name, never mind
take it out, take
the wrapper off, weigh it
and put it in the bucking oven.
Mammy, please.
Eileen, that's her name.
She told me on the last day.
How've you never told me before?
I just forgot, Dermo.
I didn't know she was
pregnant when we broke up.
Broke up? What happened?
I left her flat to go
to court that day.
I left a note.
It said, "Gone for cigarettes,
"back in three to five years."
Oh.
Back then.
Yeah. Any way, I bumped
into her and she told me
all about Blister.
What?
Blister, my son.
That's his name.
She told me I was to take him
for the weekend next week,
and we'll see where
it goes from there.
Right, well, come on, Poppa,
we best get back to work.
Right.
Buster, why don't you invite Blister
to come along to Bono's
party next weekend?
Good idea. Yeah, sure.
DOORBELL
I'll get that on my way out.
Good boy.
Hiya, Dermot, Buster.
Hello, Father. Mammy's inside.
Hello, Father Damien.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Could I have a quiet word?
Of course, in the kitchen.
How old did he say Blister was?
He didn't say.
Well, when did you meet
Buster for the first time?
When he got out of prison.
It was eight years in May.
And Buster served 18 months,
so he has to be about 9½.
Ah, the poor little mite.
Yeah, poor Buster.
So, what can I do for you,
Father Damien?
I've just come from
the Scullys' house.
Who? The Scullys. Mick Scully.
Lost his wife, your Redser's cousin.
Oh, yes, lovely girl.
So sad. Yes.
Mr Scully said that you
and Nelly were very close.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Father -
I'm trying to stay strong.
So, as close as you were.
So close...
..Mr Scully said he'd like
you to do the eulogy.
You must be bucking joking.
I know you're upset but as her best
friend she would want you to.
If you need any help or biblical
quotes or whatever,
just tell Trevor to give me a shout.
Father, I have to come clean.
Listen... Goodbye, girls.
Goodbye, Father!
What was that about?
I have to do the eulogy
for Nelly Scully's funeral.
Who?
Exactly!
I mean, what do you say in a eulogy?
I barely knew Nelly Scully
and still I could tell
she was a bitch.
Well, you can't say that, Mammy.
I was telling Annie...
Oh, were you now?
Well, she knew Nelly and she said
she was a real
"call you on Friday."
"See you next Tuesday."
Why? Where are you going?
No, Winnie, it's...
Don't even try to explain it.
Go on, Cathy, get them in.
You snore very loud.
I beg your pardon?
I'm just saying you do
snore very loud.
Well, maybe I should apologise
for snoring in my own bucking house.
Well, I was telling Annie
and she said if you put
the pillow flat...
Yeah, well, do you know what?
Maybe you and Annie should enter
that competition into the newspaper.
It's called the mind your own
bucking business competition.
Same again, Sharon.
No bother, Cathy.
Is that my scarf in your hair?
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
That's why I bought it.
Sharon, you can't just take other
people's stuff without asking.
Sorry, I didn't think
you'd notice it missing
from the state of your room.
What?
In fairness, Cathy,
I'm not one to pass remarks
but your bedroom is filthy.
Only since you moved in.
Kids can be difficult.
The thing about being a daddy
is you have to play it clever.
Like what? Well, if you want them
to do something...
Ask them nicely.
No. Bribe them.
Offer them something.
OK. So I say...
"Hello, son,
"would you like a smoke?"
No, Buster, no.
That's illegal.
I think.
Start with ice cream.
"Hello, son, come on.
"Let's get some ice cream."
Very good.
"And then we'll have a smoke."
Buster, no cigarettes.
I'm going to the toilet.
Mention Annie's name,
you might get a good seat.
This sharing the house
is not working.
Tell me about it.
Oh, if you want to know me,
come and live with me.
Winnie says my snoring bothers her.
Sharon is wearing my
good scarf in her hair.
She's probably wearing
my best knickers, too!
No, Cathy, she's not.
And they're cutting
the arse off of me.
Mammy!
Who had a party here?
Me.
And who was here with you?
Just me.
That's my mug.
There's loads of them over there.
I don't want them.
I want that one.
There you go.
Your special mug.
Thank you.
Right, I better put a face on.
Oh, Bozo the Clown is going
to be in for competition.
Morning.
Morning.
All very frosty today.
They have to go.
Well, there's nothing we can do now
you told them they can stay.
I know. I have a talent for making
people feel at home,
even though I wish they were.
It is what it is.
I tell you now, Cathy,
somebody's going to die.
OK, that's it.
We need reconciliation here...
..blah, blah, blah.
GIBBERISH
Cathy, I'm telling you now,
somebody's going to die.
We need reconciliation.
Well, we have cornflakes
or Rice Krispies.
Take your pick.
No, Mammy, this has to stop.
Winnie, Sharon,
come in here, please.
Sit down.
Agnes, if me and Sharon
staying here is causing
you any trouble, just say.
You're causing a lot of trouble.
Mammy!
Now, look, Sharon, you're me best
friend and I know you'd rather
be in your own house,
but can we not just try to get on?
I'm sorry, Cathy, I'll try harder.
It's not worth falling out over.
Agnes, I'm sorry
if I'm annoying you.
I'm so lucky to have a friend
like you and I'd do anything
to avoid us falling out.
Mammy, I think you want
to say something.
Get out.
Mammy!
Something nice!
Safe home.
Mammy!
OK.
I'm sorry, too, Winnie.
I suppose I was just jealous.
You know with you hanging out
with Annie and that.
You jealous of me?
Well, that'd be a first.
No.
Sure, look at you now.
Look, you're better-looking
than you ever were.
Yes, Winnie?
Oh! So are you, Agnes!
Stop it.
Right, Sharon, I have
a workout class
but let's you and me go
and get a coffee first.
Yeah, let's.
Oh, Cathy, don't forget.
We've Nelly Scuddy's
funeral the weekend.
I'm not going.
Why would I go?
I couldn't stand her.
Come for the laugh.
Here, have you thought
of what you're going to say
at Fat Nelly's funeral?
No.
I think I'll just say
whatever comes to me.
Whatever I say, when I'm talking
I'll just look straight at you.
I'm not going to the funeral, Agnes.
Oh, yes, you are. What?
I'm not going to be the only
bucking hypocrite in that church.
I've never seen a dead body before.
I don't know what one
would look like. Really?
I'm surprised -
and you married to Jacko.
Sounds like fun in here.
Oh, hello, Mark, love.
Winnie, I just stopped
over to tell you
we're nearly all finished
over at your house.
And a lot quicker than I thought.
That's great, Mark.
What? Another week?
No, you can move back in on Monday.
Oh, thank God!
That's wonderful for you, Winnie.
I... I'll... I'll miss you.
Oh, Mark.
What time does Bono's
birthday party start at?
He's not having one, Ma. What?
It's his big birthday. 13.
He has to have a party.
Ma, I've been trying to get
this plumber to do
the kitchen for months now.
And the only time he can
do it is next week.
The house will be a mess.
Have the party here.
It will be lovely to have
children in the house.
Really?
everything off me bush.
Hello, there.
My God, what a night out there.
That storm would cut
the snot off you.
I'm cold! It's freezing!
And the snow is so deep.
My milkman is 6'2".
He said to me,
"My knees are freezing."
I said, "Your bucking knees are."
Are you OK, Mammy?
No, Cathy, I'm not.
I'm after going out to check
the boiler out of the back
and I nearly got frozen to death.
Aw, poor you.
Here, did you see my laptop?
Oh, there it is.
What's this? It is smelly stuff.
I put it on my pot pourri.
You should try it.
It's really nice.
I know it's really nice.
It's mine.
Mammy, this is Egyptian Sunset.
It's very, very expensive.
Well, maybe you should keep
it very, very safe.
I did keep it safe.
It was in my room.
And I locked the door.
Locks!
My God, Agnes.
What a day.
Winnie, you looked
like a sniper there, you did!
Here, I haven't seen you all week.
Were you hiding in the bush?
I called around to you Monday
and you weren't there.
No. I went to the pictures
with Annie Butler.
Did you now?
With Annie Butler?
Agnes, she's really funny.
She's hilarious.
You were supposed to come
around here on Wednesday
and you never turned up. I know.
Annie asked me to go out
with her to pick out wallpaper.
What's wrong with her?
Is she colour-blind?
I don't think so.
Anyway, why did you call
around to see me on Monday?
To tell you not to come
around on Wednesday.
PHONE RINGS
I'll get it.
I said I'd go to the bingo
tonight with Annie.
Did you now?
Well, you never asked me.
Sorry.
Can I go to the bingo
tonight with Annie?
You never invited me!
Winnie, it's Sharon on the phone.
You better get back home.
The pipes in your attic are frozen
and they've just burst.
Jesus, no.
Maybe Annie has a toolkit.
PHONE RINGS
That will be Sharon.
Here, tell Sharon she's on her way,
not to be panicking.
Hello.
Yes. I'm not here.
No, it's her daughter, Cathy.
I am not here!
Oh, my God!
I'm here, Cathy! I'm here!
What is it? I'm so sorry.
Cathy, I am here.
I'll tell Mammy. Yes.
And again, I'm really sorry.
What is it, Cathy?
That was Mick Scully on the phone.
His wife Nelly just passed away.
Oh, my God.
Nelly Scully.
Gone!
Oh, good Lord.
Oh, my God!
You don't know who she is, do you?
Not a bucking clue.
Nelly. Nelly Scully.
Nelly Scully?
Yes! No.
Daddy's cousin from the flats.
Fat Belly Nelly? Yes.
I never liked her.
Mammy!
Fine, fine.
May the Lord Jesus Christ,
the blessings of Jesus
and the donkey that took them all
to Bethlehem be upon her now.
Is my hair all right?
It's fine.
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, new Rory.
Hello, old Dino.
I'm sorry, I'm just
in a bit of shock.
You won't believe who passed away.
Who?
What's her name again?
Nelly Scully.
Nelly Scully.
Fat Belly Nelly.
No, how awful.
And so sudden.
Who was she?
I don't know. But it's awful.
Oh, you're so sexy when you weep.
Oh, Rory.
You need to change
that to "You're so sexy
"when you're nearly weeping."
Fat Belly Nelly.
Oh, no, that's so awful,
and so sudden.
Who was she?
I don't know but it's awful.
Oh, you're so sexy when you weep.
Wait, wait, wait.
Fat Belly Nelly.
Oh, no.
That's awful and so sudden.
Who was she?
I don't know but it's awful.
Oh, you're so sexy when you weep.
Oh, Dino!
Oh, Rory!
Oh, Jesus!
What has you two out
on a night like tonight?
You're hardly trawling,
unless you've an ice-breaker.
Well, Dino and I've been thinking.
Oh, there's a change.
We're married four years now.
Oh, my God.
And it's time we'd someone
to share our love.
A threesome?
No!
A foursome?
No!
A fivesome?
An org - an orgery?
A hop over on the back
and gip into town?
Certainly not.
We want to adopt a baby.
We've all the papers, Mammy,
we just want to see
if you'd be our reference person.
Oh, that's wonderful, lads,
how nice.
I know.
Let me get this straight,
no offence, Dino.
None taken.
I have always been a very strong
supporter
of the LGBTLMNOP community...
Have you really
thought this through?
We have.
Raising a baby is
a serious business.
It can go horribly wrong.
I know.
It'll be a boy.
He'll be blonde,
and his name will be Sasha.
That's nice!
The ceiling collapsed.
The water was flowing
down the stairs like, like...
Like the pipes were burst?
Exactly.
The carpet in the sitting
room is soaked.
I'll have to throw most of it out.
It was awful, Agnes.
Mrs McGoogan, you just stop
worrying about any of that.
The insurance company
will cover all of those costs.
I suppose so, Cathy.
Here, Agnes, thanks for letting me
and Sharon stay here last night.
Will you stop it? For God's sake.
That's what friends do.
The insurance company said
they'd pay for a hotel
for me and Sharon.
Winnie McGoogan, you will not
stay in a strange hotel -
you will stay here
among friends, family.
Well, maybe a hotel
would be more comfortable.
No, I insist.
I'm not having my best friend
farmed out like a stray dog.
Ah, thanks, Agnes.
I'll just go over to the house
and get whatever of my clothes
is not soaked.
Oh, where's Sharon, Cathy?
She's up in my room
getting ready for work.
Well, I'll get her clothes, as well.
Oh, and her make-up.
That'll be five trips.
Tell her I'll see
her in a few minutes, Cathy.
OK.
With that weather
I haven't been out all week -
I'd better get a shop in.
All that's left up there is three
packets of crisps and a bottle
of olive oil that lost
its virginity...
..a long time ago,
like myself.
Mammy, are you sure?
Sure about what?
You know, that you want Winnie
and Sharon staying here.
Yes, Cathy, they're family.
Anyway, it's only
for a couple of days.
A couple of days? Yes.
The builder said it could be a month
before they get back
into their house.
A few days, a month...
A bucking month? Yes.
It'll be fine.
Sure, we've known each other for
years, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Hiyas.
Right, I'm off.
Mother of divine God.
What? Am I wearing too much make-up?
Not if you're going
out to kill Batman.
You look fine, Sharon.
Thanks, Cathy.
Here, Cathy, that Egyptian Sunset
perfume is gorgeous.
Smell.
Yeah, gorgeous.
I didn't know you used that, too.
I don't.
There's a bottle of it up
in your room, help yourself.
Thanks! See ya.
BOTH: This isn't going to work.
Hey, Sharon.
Hey, Mammy.
Hello, Dermot.
Hello, Maria.
Hiya, Mrs Brown.
Hiya, Cathy.
Oh, that was some storm last night.
I only went out to the yard
to check the boiler
and I nearly froze to death.
In your dressing gown?
Yes, and no knickers.
Too much info, Ma.
I had icicles dripping
out of my fecking...
Mammy!
Well, you did right not to bring
the triplets out in that weather.
It's not the weather.
They're quarantined.
What? Why?
Nits.
The school's walking with them.
Oh.
That's why I came over with Dermot.
I was hoping Mark or
Betty would be here.
Why, for what?
Well, I'm not going to bring
the boys to the party,
just in case.
I mean, we'll be there
but just not the boys.
Will you tell her?
Party, what party?
Bono's birthday party.
He's 13 next weekend.
Oh, my God, so he is.
I nearly forgot.
Cathy, will you tell
Betty if you see her?
Sure I will, she'll understand.
Here he is, Brushter Brady.
Did you have a brush with the law?
Yeah, good one.
What's wrong, Buster, what's up?
Dermot, can I have next weekend off?
I can't work.
Sure you can. Why?
I have to babysit.
I didn't know you had
nephews or nieces.
I haven't.
So, who you minding?
My son.
EASTENDERS DUFF-DUFFS PLAY
We were just young, you know?
How long were you two together?
Three, maybe four...
..days.
Days?
Jesus, and you barely had time
to get her name, never mind
take it out, take
the wrapper off, weigh it
and put it in the bucking oven.
Mammy, please.
Eileen, that's her name.
She told me on the last day.
How've you never told me before?
I just forgot, Dermo.
I didn't know she was
pregnant when we broke up.
Broke up? What happened?
I left her flat to go
to court that day.
I left a note.
It said, "Gone for cigarettes,
"back in three to five years."
Oh.
Back then.
Yeah. Any way, I bumped
into her and she told me
all about Blister.
What?
Blister, my son.
That's his name.
She told me I was to take him
for the weekend next week,
and we'll see where
it goes from there.
Right, well, come on, Poppa,
we best get back to work.
Right.
Buster, why don't you invite Blister
to come along to Bono's
party next weekend?
Good idea. Yeah, sure.
DOORBELL
I'll get that on my way out.
Good boy.
Hiya, Dermot, Buster.
Hello, Father. Mammy's inside.
Hello, Father Damien.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Could I have a quiet word?
Of course, in the kitchen.
How old did he say Blister was?
He didn't say.
Well, when did you meet
Buster for the first time?
When he got out of prison.
It was eight years in May.
And Buster served 18 months,
so he has to be about 9½.
Ah, the poor little mite.
Yeah, poor Buster.
So, what can I do for you,
Father Damien?
I've just come from
the Scullys' house.
Who? The Scullys. Mick Scully.
Lost his wife, your Redser's cousin.
Oh, yes, lovely girl.
So sad. Yes.
Mr Scully said that you
and Nelly were very close.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Father -
I'm trying to stay strong.
So, as close as you were.
So close...
..Mr Scully said he'd like
you to do the eulogy.
You must be bucking joking.
I know you're upset but as her best
friend she would want you to.
If you need any help or biblical
quotes or whatever,
just tell Trevor to give me a shout.
Father, I have to come clean.
Listen... Goodbye, girls.
Goodbye, Father!
What was that about?
I have to do the eulogy
for Nelly Scully's funeral.
Who?
Exactly!
I mean, what do you say in a eulogy?
I barely knew Nelly Scully
and still I could tell
she was a bitch.
Well, you can't say that, Mammy.
I was telling Annie...
Oh, were you now?
Well, she knew Nelly and she said
she was a real
"call you on Friday."
"See you next Tuesday."
Why? Where are you going?
No, Winnie, it's...
Don't even try to explain it.
Go on, Cathy, get them in.
You snore very loud.
I beg your pardon?
I'm just saying you do
snore very loud.
Well, maybe I should apologise
for snoring in my own bucking house.
Well, I was telling Annie
and she said if you put
the pillow flat...
Yeah, well, do you know what?
Maybe you and Annie should enter
that competition into the newspaper.
It's called the mind your own
bucking business competition.
Same again, Sharon.
No bother, Cathy.
Is that my scarf in your hair?
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
That's why I bought it.
Sharon, you can't just take other
people's stuff without asking.
Sorry, I didn't think
you'd notice it missing
from the state of your room.
What?
In fairness, Cathy,
I'm not one to pass remarks
but your bedroom is filthy.
Only since you moved in.
Kids can be difficult.
The thing about being a daddy
is you have to play it clever.
Like what? Well, if you want them
to do something...
Ask them nicely.
No. Bribe them.
Offer them something.
OK. So I say...
"Hello, son,
"would you like a smoke?"
No, Buster, no.
That's illegal.
I think.
Start with ice cream.
"Hello, son, come on.
"Let's get some ice cream."
Very good.
"And then we'll have a smoke."
Buster, no cigarettes.
I'm going to the toilet.
Mention Annie's name,
you might get a good seat.
This sharing the house
is not working.
Tell me about it.
Oh, if you want to know me,
come and live with me.
Winnie says my snoring bothers her.
Sharon is wearing my
good scarf in her hair.
She's probably wearing
my best knickers, too!
No, Cathy, she's not.
And they're cutting
the arse off of me.
Mammy!
Who had a party here?
Me.
And who was here with you?
Just me.
That's my mug.
There's loads of them over there.
I don't want them.
I want that one.
There you go.
Your special mug.
Thank you.
Right, I better put a face on.
Oh, Bozo the Clown is going
to be in for competition.
Morning.
Morning.
All very frosty today.
They have to go.
Well, there's nothing we can do now
you told them they can stay.
I know. I have a talent for making
people feel at home,
even though I wish they were.
It is what it is.
I tell you now, Cathy,
somebody's going to die.
OK, that's it.
We need reconciliation here...
..blah, blah, blah.
GIBBERISH
Cathy, I'm telling you now,
somebody's going to die.
We need reconciliation.
Well, we have cornflakes
or Rice Krispies.
Take your pick.
No, Mammy, this has to stop.
Winnie, Sharon,
come in here, please.
Sit down.
Agnes, if me and Sharon
staying here is causing
you any trouble, just say.
You're causing a lot of trouble.
Mammy!
Now, look, Sharon, you're me best
friend and I know you'd rather
be in your own house,
but can we not just try to get on?
I'm sorry, Cathy, I'll try harder.
It's not worth falling out over.
Agnes, I'm sorry
if I'm annoying you.
I'm so lucky to have a friend
like you and I'd do anything
to avoid us falling out.
Mammy, I think you want
to say something.
Get out.
Mammy!
Something nice!
Safe home.
Mammy!
OK.
I'm sorry, too, Winnie.
I suppose I was just jealous.
You know with you hanging out
with Annie and that.
You jealous of me?
Well, that'd be a first.
No.
Sure, look at you now.
Look, you're better-looking
than you ever were.
Yes, Winnie?
Oh! So are you, Agnes!
Stop it.
Right, Sharon, I have
a workout class
but let's you and me go
and get a coffee first.
Yeah, let's.
Oh, Cathy, don't forget.
We've Nelly Scuddy's
funeral the weekend.
I'm not going.
Why would I go?
I couldn't stand her.
Come for the laugh.
Here, have you thought
of what you're going to say
at Fat Nelly's funeral?
No.
I think I'll just say
whatever comes to me.
Whatever I say, when I'm talking
I'll just look straight at you.
I'm not going to the funeral, Agnes.
Oh, yes, you are. What?
I'm not going to be the only
bucking hypocrite in that church.
I've never seen a dead body before.
I don't know what one
would look like. Really?
I'm surprised -
and you married to Jacko.
Sounds like fun in here.
Oh, hello, Mark, love.
Winnie, I just stopped
over to tell you
we're nearly all finished
over at your house.
And a lot quicker than I thought.
That's great, Mark.
What? Another week?
No, you can move back in on Monday.
Oh, thank God!
That's wonderful for you, Winnie.
I... I'll... I'll miss you.
Oh, Mark.
What time does Bono's
birthday party start at?
He's not having one, Ma. What?
It's his big birthday. 13.
He has to have a party.
Ma, I've been trying to get
this plumber to do
the kitchen for months now.
And the only time he can
do it is next week.
The house will be a mess.
Have the party here.
It will be lovely to have
children in the house.
Really?