Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Sister Cities - full transcript

Today is the day.

Isn't that always true, sir?

Our sister city mayors
start arriving this morning.

Hey, Jayden, I appreciate

that you listened when I said,
"Try to look nice."

Oh, can you tell
it's from a magician's costume?

I think the coat and tie
is plenty.

- Oh.
- Okay, this visit

isn't just about
pleasantries and goodwill.

We have a chance to do
real things for the city here.

I mean, Nagoya, Japan,
has a bullet train



that could get you
to San Diego in an hour.

To protest the navy's
secret dolphin programs.

And I want to set up
a cultural exchange

with the mayor of Giza.

The treasures of the pyramids
in exchange for some

of our cultural artifacts,

like Kevin Hart's
watch collection.

Kevin Hart
lives in my building.

Jayden, we've been over this.

That's a precocious
Black child.

- [mouthing words]
- And fingers crossed,

the mayor of Auckland could be
our connection to finally

getting some chlamydia-free
koalas for the LA Zoo.

Oh!
[applause]



So this event
was Jayden's brainchild,

so he will have the honor of
picking the mayors up from LAX.

This is gonna be amazing.

I finally get to do
what I'm good at.

- Keeping it tight?
- Negotiating face-to-face,

turning on the charm,
making deals,

cutting through red tape.

I mean, the bureaucracy here...

I'm still waiting for approval
to remove that bust

of OJ Simpson.

But today it's just me
in a room working my magic.

Oh, if you need a cape.

Last Father's Day,
Orly gave me a mug that says,

"You got the same hours
in a day as Beyoncé."

Well, today I'm getting more
done than she ever dreamed of.

- You can't say that.
- Take it back.

Both: The hive
is always listening.

[bright music]

*MR.MAYOR.
Season 02 Episode 05

Episode Title: "Sister Cities"
Aired on: April 12, 2022.

[♪]

Good weekend?

Fantastic.
My downstairs neighbor

parked me in,
so I couldn't leave the house.

It was a great opportunity for
me to have cereal nine times.

Oh, you should've called me.
I love cereal.

Oh, are we calling each other

like we interact
outside of business hours?

Yeah, you're right.
Seems risky.

Ooh, was that flirting?

Well, let me go get a plate,

'cause I need some
of that dish, girlfriend.

What? No. Go away.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do you really think
he was flirting?

Let's just say
that over the years,

I have observed
a lot of romance.

- I'm my mom's wing man.
- What?

Okay, well, there's nothing
going on between me and James.

He and I are colleagues,
so please don't share

your observations
with anyone else, okay?

No problem,
as long as I never experience

a lull in conversations,
'cause I can't handle silences.

Like this one.

Oh, God, Mikaela,
please say something.

Fill the silence.

I give my cat a bath
by licking it!

[♪]

Okay, Orly, pretend
you're the mayor of Nagoya.

You want me to pretend
to be Japanese?

That's appropriation.

[sighs]
Fine, you can do Athens.

Hi, I'm the mayor of Athens.

You know, if you're just
gonna phone it in...

[explosions]

- Is that gunfire?
- I can't die today.

My dried flower arrangements
are out there.

They're Kelly Clarks on
for Way fair!

[explosion, bell rings]

Okay, back to one, people.
Resetting the pyro.

Excuse me.
Is this a film set?

It's a movie.
Megan Fox is playing a senator.

Okay, you're gonna need
to shut this down.

The mayor is throwing
a party next door.

And we've got permits
from the mayor's office.

"The Town 2, colon,
Town and Out"?

You're shooting LA
for Boston?

They're gonna change
the palm trees

to statues of John Adams.
It'll be fine.

But the mayors are coming
in an hour.

This is so important to my boss
and therefore to me.

If only the exposition in
"The Town 2" were that subtle.

We're breaking for lunch
in an hour,

so today's your lucky day.

Okay, so "hello" in Greek
is "yassas."

"Yes-ass"?
I'm not saying that.

Sir,
about the commotion outside.

Yeah, why does anyone
live on the east side?

It's loud, there's no ocean,

and every restaurant
has to have a concept.

- Here's a concept: Italian.
- Well observed, sir.

Anyway, the headline is:
I took care of it.

Well, thank you, Tommy.
You're a lifesaver.

[gasps]
Well, yeah,

I know how important today is,

so I flexed some muscle
and was a real buff boy.

Oh, well, great job.

I don't know what the city
would do without you.

- [yelps]
- A little birdie told me

you want to make babies
with that I-Team boombalottie.

Damn it, Jayden.

My blood sugar drops
right before lunch

and I get kind of quiet,

and that boy just
has to fill the silence.

Okay, well, look,
I know what you're gonna say,

but don't bother.

There is nothing going on
between me and James.

Okay,
and what was I gonna say?

Uh, dating your coworkers
is a terrible idea.

Wrong.

This life of ours doesn't leave
a lot of room for love,

so you got to get your jollies

whenever the Jolly Rancher
rolls through town.

And when I was your age,

there was a young man
I worked with.

Name was Yitzhak Schimmel,

Councilman Yitzhak Schimmel.

Damn, Arpi.

You say his name
the way I say Regé-Jean Page.

He was a whole snack,
that one.

Chest hairs sprouting
like onion grass,

payos blowing in the wind.

We had a real connection.

How come I've never heard you
talk about him?

Because nothing happened.

I figured I wasn't his type.

Then he ended up marrying
David Spade's stunt woman,

so that's how wrong I was.

I don't want that for you.

Yeah, I don't want
any of that for me.

So take your shot.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, I haven't had to make
the first move with anyone

since my aesthetician
separated my eyebrows,

but I can do this, right?

I'm not used
to playing the BFF role,

so I looked up some
girl power quotes online.

"Being in the Spice Girls
was an insane experience."

- Melanie Chisholm.
- Yeah, it was.

Okay, I got this.

But remember,
per human resources,

you only get to ask once,
so don't blow it.

Oh, yeah, okay.

If he wants to be your lover,

he's got to get
with your friends.

That's a good one, Arpi.

[♪] Oh, picking up mayors,
rhyming with "mayors" [♪]

[♪] Some horses are mares

[♪] What else rhymes
with "mayors" [♪]

Uh, no, son.

[♪]

I'm coming, mayors!

Okay, that's lunch.

Catering is in
that old house on Irving.

Where is
the farthest bathroom?

Raj, as far as I'm concerned,

you don't exist
till after lunch.

All right,
is there lunch is at?

It most certainly is,
your excellency.

- Right this way.
- Oh.

[♪]

Welcome.
What an honor this is.

Please come in, come in.

Where is
your farthest bathroom?

Far... up the stairs,
last door on the left.

Yeah.
[chuckles]

"Yes-ass."
[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Oh, okay.

Thank you
for coming straight here.

I hope you're not too tired.

No, I took some of my
stepson's ADHD medication,

so I am flying.
[chuckles]

Ooh.

Some of these guys
do not match

the pictures you printed out.

Oh, profile pics
never match reality, sir.

Mine, very misleading.

Well, time to make
some deals.

Watch and learn, Tommy.

This'll be like watching
Michael Jordan

jump up and throw the ball

and it goes through a ring
and then...

Stay in your lane, buddy.
[laughs]

The cryptocurrency I'm really
into is called Batman coin.

And if you're looking
to buy some,

I'm looking to sell
all of mine.

Well, it sounds wonderful.

Boy, I don't know
how you do your day job

and take care
of all these birds.

- They have machine feeders.
- Oh, look at that.

I always change my shoes
at lunch for energy.

If all your shoes are brown,
you won't affect continuity.

What a beautiful proverb.

Oh, here we go.

What's up?
Working for the weekend?

I am actually doing
that Buzzfeed quiz you sent me,

and the Buzzfeed quiz
I'm most like is

the one where you find out

which Buzzfeed quiz
you're most like.

Wow, I'm caught in a vortex.

Totally.
Anyways, uh...

[with mobster voice]
I's only got one chance

to make this count,

so listen good to what
I'm telling ya, capisce?

[normally] Guys like
"The Sopranos," whatever.

Hold on, you have
something...

- Is that a Breathe Right strip?
- Oh.

Oh, okay, we're gonna have
to cut that out.

No, I can get it later.

Um, but weekend,
what are you doing during it?

I was gonna go see
my friend's play,

but then I realized
I would rather

- lose that person as a friend.
- [laughs]

[phone buzzing]
Oh, sorry.

It's just, I'm also free
Saturday for once,

so I thought maybe you...
[phone buzzing]

And I could, um...

- This better be an emergency.
- It is.

There's been a murder,
because I'm killing it.

Now, that's what I call
job security.

Oh, my God, Tommy,
I don't care.

Neil said that the city
was lucky to have me,

and I just want to assure you
that I don't want your job.

Uh, yeah,
I'm not worried about that.

Why are you never
threatened by me?

I'm smart and I'm ambitious
and I am working on my posture.

I got to handle this.
Someone at DWP clicked

a bad link,
and now there's sewage

coming up people's toilets.

Oh.
[chuckles]

Wait, was that my shot?

That wasn't my shot.

That wasn't it.
Arpi?

[glass clinks]

I just want to thank all
of you for being here today.

I always wanted
to have a sister,

and now I've got six.

[laughs]

Right.

I want to talk about
how we can help each other.

Oh, so true.
I mean, think about it.

Me and this guy, same height,

doesn't mean we're going out
for the same things.

Mate, you ever need a reader,
I'm here for you.

[applause]

Yeah, exactly.

There's no reason we shouldn't
be sharing resources.

Let's talk
about transportation.

Don't get me started
on transpo.

[laughter]

You know, there is a project
I'm really excited

to help develop,
and that's the bullet train.

The "Bullet Train"?
The Brad Pitt movie?

It's out already.

This guy's crazy.

I know you guys have honed
that technology in Japan.

Oh, my God, is this real?
I'm six days sober.

Oh, my... oh, I am so sorry.

Tommy, don't let him leave.

We got to be part
of this bullet train thing.

It's too late.
That project's over.

It is?

Yeah, you got to read
the blogs, guy.

Susan,
thank you for seeing us.

I am well aware
of the one-ask policy

for interoffice romance.

I respect it.
I respect you.

Okay, what happened?

Okay, so you know
who James Aniobi is, right?

Good face, skin like silk,

hard to tell under the suit
but the bod seems tight.

Not okay,
but I know who you mean.

Okay, so I went
to ask him out once,

but I only got, like,
3/4 of the way through

and we got interrupted.

I never actually finished
the question,

so that doesn't count
as my ask, right?

Hmm.
Interesting.

It was a checked swing,
Susan.

Her bat did not
cross the plate.

- Ball one.
- What exactly did you say?

I said,
"I'm also free Saturday,

and maybe you and I could,"
and then I got cut off.

How's that a question?

Her voice didn't go up
at the end.

Well, you definitely started
asking him out.

But she could've been
about to say anything.

"Maybe you and I
could not go to dinner."

"Maybe you and I
could each contribute

"to my nephew's
school fundraiser.

The arts budget
has been slashed."

[sighs]

Ms. Shaw, your language
was vague.

And since the other case
on my desk is a guy

who was photographing
his female coworkers' bellies

under a conference table
and ranking them,

I am desperate for any example
of positive human interaction.

So you get one more ask.

- Yes.
- Rock and roll.

Was I on that tummy list?

You won your age group.

Oh!

Hey, keep people
out of there.

The mayor of Nagoya
is either taking a shower

or running the shower
to mask something worse.

[phone buzzing]

Yeah, Jayden,
the mayors are weird.

What did you do?

Well, they seem normal to me,
but you know mayors.

Look, I'm sorry I haven't
gotten them there yet.

Turns out, this vehicle
isn't allowed on the highway,

but I did get to meet
a motorcycle police lady.

Wait,
what are you talking about?

I'm saying that
I had to take side streets,

which means turning,

and this is more
of a go-straight car.

But the mayors are here.

Did he just... what the...

Ah, chlamydia's not so bad.

What you should be
worried about is the fact

that Y2K did happen
and this is all a simulation.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,
Jayden, get them here now.

Okay,
but if I drive too fast,

the water's gonna
spill out of the hot tub.

You know,
I can cry on command

just like Anne Hathaway.

[both crying]

[dramatic music]

[♪]

Boy, you know, that mayor
looks a lot like the guy

from the background
of "Riverdale," you know,

who became a meme
'cause he did so much pointing.

Okay, Orly, we have
a little situation here.

These aren't mayors.

They are...
How do you say it in English...

Randos,
and your father doesn't know,

- so you have to tell him.
- No way.

He'll get all embarrassed,

and then he'll be
in a bad mood.

And I need him to sign
a permission slip

so I can go on
a school field trip to Ibiza.

- Veda's dad is Diplo, so...
- Okay, well, I need this

to go well so I'll get a 15%
raise at the end of the year

because I cannot live
within my means, Orly.

Okay,
but what are we gonna do?

I mean, he's gonna
find out eventually.

Would I crack
your back for you?

- Please?
- I guess.

Here you go.

Okay, we need to stall
until the real mayors get here.

If I learned anything
interning for Lindsey Graham,

it's that you never tell
the boss about the problem

until you have a solution,

unless you like getting put
in the naughty closet.

Where is
your farthest bathroom?

Sir, how would you like to be
upgraded to a speaking role?

I'm in the union.

Yeah, yeah,
I'll pay your rate.

It's $1,030.

Fine, I'll Venmo you.

Call my last number
and ask Jayden

what the hell's
taking him so long.

- Follow me.
- I really need the...

I will take you
to the bathroom.

Okay.
[phone buzzes]

What up,
Tommy from another mommy?

Jayden, it's Orly Bremer.

Why do you
have Tommy's phone?

[gasps]
You "Freaky Friday-ed."

I believe you,
and I'm here to help.

No, I'm just using his phone.
Look, where are you guys?

Okay, full disclosure,

the ride is taking longer
than planned,

so I stopped for the mayors
to get out and bathroom.

ETA is in flux
because I don't know

how I got in this spot.

I think somebody moved a wall.

Okay, I feel like Tommy would
tell me to yell at you now.

So... Jayden!

I know.
I'm sorry, ma'am.

[cries]
How did this happen?

Okay, last question.

Am I playing this
like I really am the mayor,

or am I a guy convincing him
I am the mayor?

Do you really think
you're skilled enough

that those layers
are gonna show?

Get in there.

Ho!
There's my buddy.

Ti kanes.
[laughter]

You enjoying yourself?

Yes and no.
I have some problems.

- Oh, you do?
- I'm just kidding.

I love you.
I brought you this gift.

- Open it.
- Oh, God.

He's giving him
an imaginary box.

Oh, oh, oh,
I get it.

This is a symbol that
what we're giving each other

is intangible.

Please, accept my box.

That's not a box.

Maybe I'm talking too much.

You tell me,

how can we be helpful
to the people of Athens?

Give me the codes.

No, I'm sorry.
The codes?

- I need the codes.
- The codes.

I don't have much time.

Do you maybe mean
telephone number?

'Cause I'm happy to give you
my direct line.

Nope, sir, I wouldn't.

You think you can seduce me
with this life?

The shrimp, the champagne,
the wallpaper,

the chairs, the banister,
the other chair,

all the shrimp?

Everything I do is for you
and your sister.

- Yes, yes...
- No.

No, no,
we are all sisters, yes.

I agree with...
No, please, don't...

Oh, God!

What just happened?

- I don't know.
- Bye, Dad, love you.

I don't get this.

I... I'm great in a room,
but I just...

I have made two of these guys
storm out.

And the mayor from Makati,
she started to Face Time her dog

when I tried to engage her
about cybersecurity.

Have I lost my touch?

No, sir,
you didn't do anything wrong.

I did, and I didn't want
to tell you before I fixed it.

These people
aren't really mayors.

What?
Well, then who are they?

There you are.

Adnan, Bryce, Harvey,
the rest of you,

I need you on set.

Grandpa Tall Guy, let's go.

No, no, no,
I'm the mayor.

Nice try.

The mayor doesn't work
till Friday, and he's Black.

White mayors read as villains.

Tommy,
where are the real mayors?

You know that strip mall
on La Brea

with the foot-shaped sign
that used to say "Foot Doctor"

and now it says "Day Care"?

Dan, get the car.
Tommy, come here.

- Sorry.
- You knew this?

Oh, what's up?

You got more garbage
in your hair?

[laughs]
Okay.

Um, yeah,
I was just... I was wondering

if you would maybe like
to get dinner on Saturday.

Like a date?

Like a date.

Right.

Well, I would love to...
say yes,

but I can't.

Oh, you can't.

Oh, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool.

I, um... yeah, I can't either.

I just remembered, Saturday,
that's when "SNL" is on.

It's a rerun, but Drake...

It's always fun to see
that side of him.

So I'm busy, but anyways,
thank you for your hospitality.

Okay.
[laughs]

- It's... it's...
- Okay.

[sighs]

What is that?

Oh, please don't hit me.

City Hall has access
to so many cars.

- What is this?
- I wanted it to be special.

And the guys
at Cars of Stars Rentals

said that this
just screams Los Angeles,

which it does
if you use the horn.

I think it's
David Lee Roth's voice.

Jayden, where are the mayors?

They disappeared
into the mall.

Am I gonna be executed?

Yeah, this is worse
than what I did, right, sir?

I'm in less trouble
than Jayden because...

Jayden, my friend.
[laughs]

Gentlemen, ma'am,
I am so, so sorry.

Oh, I see you got T-shirts.

Oh, and so much more.

We got pizza,
excellent omakase,

a lunchtime face-lift.

Then we had CBD brownies.
[laughter]

I had copies
of all my keys made.

And then a truck full of tacos
just appeared.

And I got my nails, uh, did.

Am I saying that correctly?

- Actually, you are.
- Oh!

And this guy,
what a tour guide.

[laughter]

Well, this was the plan.

Welcome to LA.

Hey, why don't we head back
to Getty House

and then talk turkey?

The Turks?
They are animals.

- Well, you know, I didn't...
- I'm kidding.

I know what you mean.
[laughter]

- I'm a little high.
- It happens.

All right, let's take my car,
shall we?

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

- Welcome to LA.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Tommy.
- Yeah?

Jayden's gonna ride with us.

I know you don't want
to burden me with problems,

so why don't you solve that

and then tell me
how you did it afterwards?

Oh, here.

Nice parking job, you idiot.

"I can't"?
What does "I can't" even mean?

"I can't because I'm busy"?

"I can't
because I love you so much

and I'm scared
of disappointing you"?

Look, this was fun before,

but someone recorded themselves
pulling it out on Zoom, so...

But can I have
a follow-up ask, "Why not?"

'Cause right before he said,
"I can't,"

his eyes were like...

and I could tell, inside,
he was kind of like...

His words didn't match
his eyes.

They were inviting,

like a piping-hot stew
in a blizzard.

Okay, Mikaela, I want you
to think about the last time

someone made an unwanted
advance toward you.

Richard Dreyfuss
at baggage claim.

And would have appreciated
a "Why not?"

Would that have sat well?

[groans]
Yeah, I see your point.

He did do that, by the way.

I'm sorry, kid.

If you like,
I'll help you steal

James' cologne so you can
spray it on a body pillow.

Please do not do that.

Or maybe we could set you up

with whoever whipped it out
on Zoom.

Actually, she's married.

Yeah.

[rock music]

[♪]

- [horn honking]
- [♪] Los Angeles

Hey, buddy!

Guess what I did
with the money.

- Looks like you got fillers.
- I got fillers.

Yeah, but look,
you'd never notice.

Thanks, buddy.
Whoo!

- [horn honking]
- [♪] Los Angeles

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!