Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Venus on the Moon - full transcript

Where's your school uniform?

If this is you rebelling,
it's kind of lame.

I don't have school.

It's public service week,

and I got accepted into
a prestigious intern program.

Oh, wow.
Hey, congratulations!

Where are we dropping you off?

City Hall!

Yeah, I got into the Mayor's
Youth Leadership Program.

I didn't tell you I applied,

because I didn't
want you interfering.



You little rascal!

Does this mean I get to spend
the next couple of days

with my little girl?

So proud of you.

Okay, well,
get that out of your system,

because you can't do that
at the office.

Okay.

Look, I got this
internship on my own,

and I don't want
any special treatment.

Okay.

We're gonna be
late to work,

Mr. Mayor.

You didn't tell her that you
got her into that program?

And you didn't tell me that
my security codename



is one of "The Golden Girls."

- I apologize, sir.
- Yeah.

Dorothy Zbornak
has left the condo.

*MR.MAYOR.
Season 02 Episode 06

Episode Title: " Venus on the Moon"
Aired on: April 19, 2022.

Hey, just FYI,
James and the I-team

are in San Bernardino today.

Umm, okay,
and according to Insta,

Lil' Kim is at the
Culver City Applebee's.

Are we just naming
people and places, Tommy?

No, it's just everyone thinks
you're hiding in here,

because James rejected you.

- What?
- Hey, kiddo.

What do you say
if neither of us

is married by the year 20...

Get out!

Look, I know I idle at shady,

but I just wanna make sure
you're okay.

Oh, I'm fine.
And I'm not hiding.

I'm just...
I'm social distancing.

Because I've been
chewing garlic cloves

because of my toothache.

It's a legit remedy.

I saw it on the Italian grandma
side of TikTok.

Okay, well, look.
Silver lining,

things wouldn't have worked out
with James anyway.

I mean, you have no time
for anyone in your life.

What do you mean
I don't have time?

All you do is work.

I have a life, Thomas.

I mean, my college friends
invited me out for drinks tonight,

and I am gonna go.

You'll never make it.

You have a proposal to write,

a dentist appointment, two
Zooms, a virtual bra fitting...

Okay, I am un-sharing you
from my Google Calendar,

and I will prove you wrong.

A little extra multi-tasking,
and by tonight,

I will have forgotten
all about James,

because I will be
all up in that club,

♪ Smooching a stranger

We'll see, 'cause

♪ Your breath
is a hate crime ♪

It's from my toothache.

Oh, hey, Arpi, don't forget,

we have the youth leadership
program kids today.

Oh, not a good day
for me to have witnesses.

I was gonna go down
to City Council

and push my broadband bill.

These kids think they want to
see how the sausage gets made,

but today, it's gonna be all
rat cheeks and toenails.

We call this room
The Bullpen,

which is short for bull penis.

Wait, Orly Bremer
is part of this?

Okay, I'll split them with you,

you take the other three,
I get Orly.

Oh, so you can do
what you do best?

Brown-nosing is not
what I do best.

It's what I do most.

North Korea has launched
missiles at Los Angeles!

Now that I have
everyone's attention,

I would like to introduce
the 2022

Mayor's Youth Leadership
Program participants.

And in the interest
of inclusion, partici-skirts.

Inez Herrera was a finalist
in the intel space competition.

She speaks
Spanish and Mandarin.

Oh, gosh, it doesn't say
English here.

So wel-come I-nez.

Maya Gilmore was invited to the
Harvard Model U.N. competition,

where she crafted
a two-state solution

for Israel and Palestine

that no one
had ever thought of before.

Ben Williams is
nationally ranked

in Lincoln-Douglas debates,

and was nominated
for a Pulitzer

for his photo series
on the 2020 protests.

And finally, Orly Bremer
is on the Honor Roll,

and plays JV field hockey.

I guess the rest of it
must not have printed out.

But, um, I know some
other stuff about Orly.

She has two horses.

And she's the mayor's daughter.

I don't belong here.

These other kids have done
so much more than me.

No.

Just admit you got me into
the Youth Leadership Program.

Someone in Community Outreach
saw your application,

asked me what to do about it.

I didn't say,
"Don't let my daughter in."

I'm a fraud!

That's not true, Orly.

Did I get you on the Honor Roll

at one of the most competitive
schools in Los Angeles?

Oh, my God! School!

What did you do to help me get
into Gregory?

Gregory? No, no... nothing.

So it's just a coincidence

that my first year
they broke ground

on the Anonymous Tall Dad
Science Center?

Unbelievable!

My whole life, you've been
bribing people

into letting me
think I'm special,

like you're Aaron Spelling
and I'm Tori!

I know you're
studying the Spellings

in AP Beverly Hills History,
but I'm...

If mom were here,

she never would have
let you do any of this!

She learned from failure.

Yes, yes. I've seen the
videos your mom left for you.

I'm not gonna be around
to watch you grow up

into this strong, beautiful
woman I know you'll be.

Just remember,

you learn more from failure
than success, baby girl.

I learned that auditioning
for "American Pie."

My second piece of advice:

If you're on your period
during a lingerie shoot...

Mom wouldn't have helped me
cheat my way

into the
Youth Leadership Program.

Orly, if you don't think that
you got this job on your own,

you're free to quit.

No, quitting is what
a privileged brat would do.

Those other kids, they worked
real hard to be here,

and now it's my turn.

You don't want
to start by maybe

unloading the dishwasher
at home?

And deprive Cecilia

the dignity
of a hard day's work?

Tommy, I need you
to supervise Orly.

Yes!
You lose, Jayden.

Oh, okay, well,
can we play again later?

My daughter has decided
that she has been coddled,

and now she wants
to do real work.

Just give her some basic
office stuff to do, please.

Does she know Excel?

Because I have
some polling data...

No. Nothing complicated.

Just point her toward a task
any idiot could do

and then say "Good job."

Got it.
I'll put on my kid gloves,

and handle your daughter...
Wow, hearing it, sir.

You know,
I'm not the one who said that

she should never have
a minimum wage job.

I'm, I'm not
the one who insisted

that she go to private school.

It was Natalie.

Before she died,
she laid it all out.

Dead wives.

Can't live with them.
Obviously.

Then, when Orly
gets mad at me,

I can't exactly go blame
her dead mother.

At this point, her only
memories of Natalie

are from...

From those videos she made.

Wait, you let her
watch those?

Excuse me?

I pretty much
wore out my VHS copy

of "Venus on the Moon"

with her and Nicole Eggert.

I finally understand
what you earthlings mean

by super horny.

I wrote a letter
to the studio

asking them
to release it on DVD,

but evidently, that company
just sells dog toys now.

Thank you, Jayden.

Yes, I'm aware of my wife's
late-'90s acting career.

I meant the videos she made
for Orly before she died.

I love you baby girl, and I
will always be watching you.

Just remember,

real modeling agencies don't
make you pay for head shots.

I loved that woman.

But now, she's forever perfect,
and I'm forever the bad guy.

Come on, sir.
Bad guys are cooler, right?

Look at Gru.

Hmm.

Councilman Higbee!

Is now a good time?

To talk,
or in my life?

'Cause I started
betting on sports,

and I'm pretty addicted...

I wanna revisit
ordinance 462.

No.
Everyone in this city

is not owed
free broadband internet.

It's crucial to the economy.

People working remotely,
people searching for jobs.

Did you know 25 percent
of L.A. public schoolkids

don't have internet at home?

So, what?

Kids today spend too much time
on the internet already.

Why burn more money
on "education?"

They're all gonna be gig
workers and cam girls anyway.

Hang on a second.
Guys!

I know I told you to wait
outside, but come here.

Councilman Higbee was just
talking about the youth

of this great city.

Frank, please, go on.

I was just telling
the deputy mayor,

it won't be long until you kids
are running the show.

And I can't wait.

So we can count
on your support

to bring ordinance 462
to a vote for L.A.'s future.

- Count me in.
- Kids, let's be sure

we record this historic moment.

Already live streaming it.

Feel that, Frank?

That's all 92 pounds of me

stepping right on your huevos.

Okay, proposal for library
book amnesty, done.

Seating chart
for the LACMA banquet, done.

If you believe it,
you can achieve it.

And I believe
I'm getting drunk tonight.

Hey, so you know how the
mayor was supposed to apologize

to the Boyle Heights
food vendors today?

- Uh...
- Well, our Spanish interpreter

was out sick,
so I took a crack at it.

Oh, God.
What did you make him say?

Mayor Bremer is not hiding
a secret love child.

He was told that "embarazada"
means "embarrassed,"

when, of course,
it means pregnant.

Absolutely,
the mayor is very excited

for next week's
interfaith council event.

Thank you so much,
Archbishop Luna...

ahem,

peace be with you!

Well, the mayor will be backing
the teachers' union

in their quest to adopt

the European model
of one wine at lunch.

No, Stacey.

When he tweeted that L.A. needs
more "Law & Order,"

he was referring to the show,
and you know it.

Hi, can I cancel my
dental appointment today?

Yeah, you know what?

I think you're right, Neetza.
Let's go with the B cup.

Well, that was fun.
Over there is a supply closet.

Why don't you kids
rearrange everything

by color or something?

I'll let you know
when it's time to leave.

Wait, Ms. Meskimen...

We know you used us in there.

I'm a child of divorce.

I know when I'm a pawn
in a grown-up meeting.

Like you kids say,
"Sorry, not sorry."

Congratulations,
you are surprisingly useful.

Well, then, isn't there
more that we can do?

Oh my gosh, Orly,

I am so lucky
to have you here today.

Yass, queen!
Are people still saying that?

- They're definitely not.
- I know.

I hate when they're
still saying it.

Anyway, people tend
to get a little sleepy

in the afternoon, so why don't
we get some coffee going?

Yass queen.
Ironic.

Great, do I take my
dad's SUV or is it better

to have everyone type
their orders into my Postmates?

You can just make it.

With the coffee maker.

Hmm.

You know, I did a paper
about how coffee trade

helped Brazil transition
from an extraction economy

to an industrial one.

Great.

Oh.

Oh.

Good job.

Hello?
Hello?

City Hall?

Hello?
There's no one there.

We get a lot of prank calls.
You're doing a good job.

Got it open for you.

Amazeballs...

is another thing
people no longer say.

They told her drinks
on a Wednesday was impossible,

but nevertheless,
she persisted.

I am, in fact,
poised to get turnt up.

Really?

'Cause you look like you got
burnt up in a house fire.

And you look like Cookie
Monster used to use a toilet.

I win.
I'm hitting the "clerb."

Okay,
from professional powerhouse...

When Maya's school went
virtual during the pandemic,

her nearest Wi-Fi
was in an alley,

outside a strip club.

To this day,
I can't do calculus

unless I'm listening
to "Pony" by Ginuwine.

Oh, that's terrible.

As you know, my mother
was a dancer at Deja Boob.

Hmm,
I'd forgotten that, Herb.

A gentleman's club
is not a good place to learn,

especially when your
English teacher shows up

and throws dollars at your mom.

So you're gonna help us
move ordinance 462 forward?

Well, I promised no new
spending this fiscal year.

But for once, let's throw some
wadded-up cash at a good cause.

Speaking Spanish...

Speaking Spanish...

Speaking Spanish...

Ben's father worked nights,

so he could take his son
to the library every day

to research
his science project.

When I got the blue ribbon,
I gave it to him

because I didn't win it.

We did.

Things that fathers
do for their children.

Not all children appreciate it.

They should.

So, uh, you get the votes,
and I will sign that ordinance.

Do you girls also have stories

about appreciating
your fathers?

Same clothes as yesterday.

Someone had a crazy night.

Um, NBD, I went to
a guy's place last night.

He had a bed frame
and everything.

So hot.

Yeah, it's funny you say that
because I did some sleuthing,

and your friends didn't tag you
in any of their photos.

'Cause I left so quick
with that hottie.

Right, but then at 3 A.M.,
they posted this little nugget.

Fine! I never went inside.

I fell asleep
because I have zero life.

All I do is work.

I mean, the other night,

I dozed off
in a virtual town hall,

and when I woke up,
the only people still logged in

were me and
a guy named LickyMick,

who I'm pretty sure had been
watching me for a while,

and...

Oh!

Oh.

- Is that your tooth?
- My tooth!

What in the
living hell is this?

It's your lunch.

I ordered chicken nuggets,
fries, and ranch dressing!

This, this hot vegetable mess?
I don't even know what this is.

Well, it's ratatouille,
I thought that...

It is?

Oh, so you ruined my lunch
and my favorite movie?

You are a witch!

Okay, wait,
please don't be mad at me.

I... I can make you a coffee...

You made that horrible coffee
on purpose, you banshee?

- Wait, did I do it wrong?
- No!

Your coffee is great.
It's a drink and a meal.

- Mmm.
- Of course I did it wrong.

Because I don't know
how to do anything.

But you kept
telling me "good job."

Because my father told you to!

I'm sorry
that I lost my temper.

It's just that I haven't
eaten in like, one hours.

Thanks to you, I never
learned how to do anything!

You know, when mom was my age,
she was modeling in Tokyo,

and doing bottle service
at a yakuza-owned night club.

So I think she
would've let me go get a job

at a crappy
restaurant or something,

so I would know how
to make a stupid pot of coffee!

Actually, young lady,

she's the reason
you're completely helpless.

Wow, blaming mom!
That is pathetic!

Look, mom didn't want you
to have to go through

all the crap that she did.

You know where she
learned how to make coffee?

Working at an off-brand Hooters
called PJ Bazoingies!

I wanted you
to go to public school

and see what
the real world was like.

But your mother said,
"It's different for girls."

And then she died.

And what am I
supposed to do with that?

I've just tried my best to make
decisions she'd be happy with.

I mean, you're not the
only one she left videos for.

Do not let
our daughter have a job

that requires a name tag,

or go to college in Florida.

Now, to make sure
you keep watching this,

I will do a little dance,

in my old
PJ Bazoingies uniform!

No tattoos,
no non-ear piercings,

Don't let her take French.

Spanish is
much more practical.

How could I deny her wishes?

You know,
having a perfect dead mom

isn't easy for me either.

She was so beautiful and smart.
Ugh, and her airport style.

Effortless, straight
from the plane to dinner.

The key is
a bold lip before landing.

Your mom was beautiful,
and she was kind.

But those videos
are not the whole picture.

She was a human being,
and believe me,

if she were alive,

you would yell at her
just as much as you yell at me.

I wish I could.

I'm pretty sure
yelling at your mom

is a part of growing up.

If she were here now,
I'd be like,

"You never even
finished high school!"

And then call her a bitch,

and slam my door, and then
feel bad about it all night.

And I would tell Natalie,
"I'll talk to her."

We'd go out for ice cream,

and bond over how unreasonable
your mom was being.

Not fair.
These are peak daddy years.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'll be right back.

Hey, I'm sorry
your dad made me lie to you.

If it were up to me, I'd always
tell you how terrible you are.

Thanks, Tommy.
That means a lot.

- To government!
- Woo!

Today, we took
our system one step closer

to its perfect form:
An agricultural matriarchy!

High-speed internet.

I'll be able to do my homework
at home!

And people will stop
watching porn at McDonald's!

This ordinance 462
is huge, kids.

As soon as we can get it voted
on, the mayor will sign it,

and we will have
successfully earmarked monies

for the next fiscal year!

That earmark will allow us
to form a committee

to assess viability,

while internet service
providers prepare bids

for no later than
calendar year 2025!

Hot dog!

Wait, so we're not getting
internet, like, tomorrow?

No.

But monies will be earmarked.

Well, this sucks.

It would've been faster
to convince

- a billionaire to pay for it.
- Whoa.

Privatization
of social services...

Capitalist nightmare!

You want an ambulance
that only picks you up

if you drink Pepsi?

The battle is hard,

but at least I'm
fighting the establishment.

Arpi,
you are the establishment.

Oh, sir,
can I talk to you for a second?

You okay?

Yeah, sir, I make
a lot of sacrifices

to be good at my job,
and I promise you

I am trying as hard as I can.

Me too.

And you can't worry
if people judge your decisions,

because they're
not in your shoes.

Preaching to the choir.

So I need to carve out
a little time for self-care.

Of course, whatever you need.

Three hours
every Sunday morning.

You can have 30 minutes.

Deal!

Vote Meskimen in '86,

and I promise a free payphone
on every street corner,

and zero NFL teams
in this great city!

My God.
Those kids were right.

I have lost the fire.

Hey, I heard
about ordinance 462.

- Nice earmark.
- It's a joke.

I gotta get
my mojo back, Tommy.

30 years of
compromising bureaucracy.

I don't even
recognize myself anymore.

Free Nelson Mandela!

Is something
I promise to do personally!

I gotta get back
to being that lady.

She had a perm in her hair,

a pad on her shoulder,

and a fire in her belly.

Okay, are you asking me
to Queer Eye you?

Because I don't do that.

Okay, I know all
the time codes by heart,

so just do your thing.

Orly, do you have something
you want to say to your mother?

You are such a hypocrite!

How could you tell dad
I can't have a tattoo

when I know you have one?

I saw your spread in "FHM."

How dare you
speak to me that way?

I make the rules around here.

Well it's easy
to make the rules,

if you don't
have to enforce them.

Should've thought of that

before you came
to the moon, astronaut.

Now teach me what
you humans call "making love."

You probably wouldn't even
let me dye my hair,

even though, like, everyone
else at school is doing it.

You are such a bitch!

I know you think
I'm a bitch,

but you're not getting
rid of me that easily.

Okay, okay.

Look, maybe I should take
Orly out for some ice cream.

Just give you
time to cool down.

Fine.

Go with Zorblap.
I don't care.

Fire up the ecstasy ray,

and set a course
for Planet Orgasmo...

Ooh, whoops!

My bad.

Sorry, sir.

It's okay.

It's so sweaty
in this uniform.

I need a space shower.

Turn it off, Jayden!

What?
Turn what off?

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!