Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Trampage - full transcript

Yet again we're seeing
record-high temperatures

here in the South land,
Mayor Bremer.

Is it global warming
or God punishing Hollywood

for its many sins?

Andrea, this heat wave
is putting a lot of stress

on the electrical grid.

We're all suffering.

Uh, but we all... we all have
to do our, uh... our part,

you know,
to conserve energy.

Even... even here
at... at City Hall, we are...

Jayden.



Sorry. Well, we're turning
the AC off, uh...

during peak hours
and rolling blackouts have...

- It's too hot in there.
- The mayor is...

Yeah, rolling blackouts
have... have happened.

Anyway, do your part.
Stay cool, L.A.

*MR.MAYOR.
Season 02 Episode 03

Episode Title: "Trampage"
Aired on: March 29, 2022.

Thank you in advance
for your patience.

The city's free cooling center
will be open soon.

The website
said 10:00 to 6:00.

What I'm hearing
is the website works.

But we did have a little
problem with our vendor.

The tent we ordered
is currently being used

at a For Your Consideration
event



for "The Marvelous
Mrs. Maisel."

I promise we will get it back

as soon as Tony Shalhoub
finishes the Q&A.

Mr. Tomás?

Uh, we have lukewarm bags
of water that were once ice.

Bad news... Shalhoub is taking
questions about "Monk" now.

They did 125 episodes.
That could take all day.

We got to get some kind
of structure down here now.

Okay, my guy's at the
warehouse, and he found a tent.

It's from the last
"Real Housewives" reunion

so it had some hair
and blood on it.

- Hose it down, make it work.
- You got it.

All right,
a solution is in the works.

Mikaela, you've been online
dating for a very long time.

I got to the end of Hinge.

Well, I joined this
dating app, but...

You're getting
mixed messages?

Like, you think you swiped on
a single guy, but it turns out

it's a couple
looking for a third,

and at first, you're like,
"No way," but then you're like,

"I don't know, at least
everyone's being honest here."

No, actually,
it's been going great.

Awesome, me too.

Yeah, I've been matched
with so many lovely ladies.

Cool, cool,
being a man seems cool.

But flirting online
is just so different.

All this texting
instead of meeting in person.

Yep, I prefer to meet women
the old-fashioned way.

Selling candy bars
while they're eating outside

at a restaurant and their
boyfriend's in the bathroom.

See, I'm trying to find
something real here,

but I can't get
out of the small-talk stage.

All these women keep asking me
to tell them what street

I grew up on
and my mother's maiden name,

which seems a little weird,

but I just don't know
what's normal anymore.

- Mm...
- Yeah, please.

Oh, honey.

Wait, we're allowed
to call him honey?

No. Absolutely not.

Sorry, it's just...
It's a scam.

These are bots...
You're flirting with robots

that are trying to steal
your identity.

Wait, there's nothing wrong
with robots, okay?

I've had a thing for that
Star Tours droid for years.

Oh, no. I'd like to see a bot
with a figure like this.

That's probably just
a stolen image.

Yeah, that's the lady from the
sexy senior asthma commercials.

Now I have enough breath
to blow a kiss.

Oh, Ventilify.

I'm on that, but it's
to inhibit hair growth.

Oh, this profile's using
a pic of her, too.

No, no,
I've messaged with this gal.

She's a flight attendant.
- No, that's the same actress.

She also plays
a flight attendant

in the Delta Air Lines
safety video.

So buckle up for fun

because fun is
as good as on time.

Wait, I Googled her.

Her name is Angelica Masters,
and she's

on the Champagne Chestnut box
of L'Oréal hair dye.

So many of these fake
accounts use her pictures.

I guess the algorithm
knows what it's doing.

She's basically
a Chico's supermodel.

This is unacceptable.

They're toying
with people's feelings.

I thought an actual woman
wanted to know

the name of my first pet!

You know something?

I'm in a position
to do something about this.

And someone has to let
Angelica Masters know.

Are you sure, sir?

We really should be dealing
with these

- blackouts. - Hey, Kathy.
- What?

Get... get Angelica Masters!

That was intense.

How'd you stay
so calm back there?

Experience.
Faith in the process.

I'm gonna duck into this
mini mart for a second.

- You want anything?
- I'll go with you.

That's not what I asked.
Do you want anything?

I want to see the choices!

Looks like they got some
cool stuff in the back there.

I'm seeing corn nuts,
washer fluid,

fake Academy Awards for people
with common Western names.

No, I just want a cold drink.

Hey, Arpi.

Four Ladybug Luck scratchers
coming up.

I think you're mistaking me
for another tiny Arpi.

Oh, you. I love that you
take time to joke.

I think we'd be friends

even if you didn't buy
lottery tickets every day.

Okay, fine.
Now you know my secret shame.

An emotional affair with
a convenience store clerk?

No.
It's the scratchers, okay?

They're my thing.
These will pay for those.

Okay, see you tomorrow, Arpi!

I know they're
a waste of money

and a regressive tax
on the poor

but after a hellish morning
like we just had,

I need a little win...

or a loss...
It doesn't even matter.

These keep me sane,
so stop judging me.

I'm not judging anyone.
Some people need vices to cope.

Oh, but you don't?

What can I say? Some of us
are just well adjusted.

#Built Different.

Free ticket!

Are you at least
being smart about this?

What does that mean?
Scratchers are random.

Well, I read this article

that there are ways
to game the system.

You know, buy in bulk,
chat up store owners to see

which locations are due to hit,
choose new games over old.

Well, shoot, I'm gonna have
to give those tricks a try.

- Ooh, is that cold?
- Yeah, I just got it.

Coping mechanism.

Look, obviously, I get
why they use your picture.

Well, it's been going on
for a while.

I appeal
to sex-positive seniors,

senior-curious millennials,
and meme-loving incels.

I just hate that my photo is
being used to catfish people

and that the name

of my favorite fish
now means something so dark.

Well, if you feel
that strongly,

maybe we could team up.

Well, I happen to be in town
shooting a commercial

for the new Depends thong.

I suppose I could record
something later this week.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Uh, I'll... I'll have

my comms department
get in touch with your people.

Well, there is just one
issue.

How do I know
that you're not a bot?

Maybe send me a bunch
of pictures

and have me click
on all the stop signs.

Or we could meet in person.

Do you eat dinner?

Every night, except when
I fall asleep on the couch.

Great, I'll see you tonight.

I must say, though

while I'm not a robot,
I am a machine...

in bed.

Morning.

Whoa, someone's
in a good mood.

It's me.
I had breakfast churros.

Why did I wait so long
to date women my own age?

Oh, because you're rich, sir.

I had a fantastic night
with Angelica.

You know, when you're
with someone your own age,

you connect
in such a different way.

Like about wills and stuff?

Like about our favorite
books and music

and how all other generations
are the worst.

I'm telling you, I think this
could be something special.

Okay, so, just to summarize,

you've been on an app
for one week.

You got catfished using
a picture of an actress,

but then you just met
that actress and took her out.

Where do you even take
a commercial queen?

I mean, she's already twirled
through a field of daisies.

Actually, we never even left
the hotel room.

- Are you gonna be a dad?
- Okay.

Gross/congratulations, sir,
but the office is not the place

to discuss
your one-night stand.

I think you mean
first-night stand.

If this were a one-night stand,

would we have been texting
all morning?

Ah, I don't really see
a we texting here.

I see you triple-texting

in exchange
for a thumbs-up reaction?

Yeah, so?
What's better than a thumbs-up?

Right, Jayden?

Oh my God, thank you, sir!

1,000 buckaroos.

Last night,
I followed your advice,

and I hit it big on scratchers.

Oh, that's great.

You'd think so.

But around 4:00 a.m.,
I was still awake,

and I realized the truth...
You ruined me.

Mm, you know, I really
thought I was safe

from ever having
this conversation with a woman.

Turns out the best part
of playing scratchers

isn't the money.

It's the...
Wa-cha!

The unpredictability,
and you took that away.

Okay.

I guess I'm sorry that I helped
you win a bunch of money?

Your apology is like
the Super Bowl.

Just because it's happening
doesn't mean I care about it.

What kind of sorcery is this?

Why... why am I mad
you gave me $1,000?

Hey, Mikaela,
are we coordinating

with the Beverly Hills
Mayor's Office

about these power outages?

Yes, sir. They're encouraging
residents to evacuate

to the nearest Mercedes
S-, E-, or C-Class.

Anything about cell towers
being down?

I'm hearing a lot of talk about
texts not getting through.

Oh, please don't tell me
this is what I think it is.

Well, just look at this,
though.

I mean, yesterday Angelica
responded right away.

See? Look, question mark,
"Okay," "Can't talk right now,"

"Driving" and then an emoji
with no mouth.

But today look at that.
Nothing.

Sir, she's ghosting you.

Ghosting me?

Don't listen to Mikaela, sir.

This is standard
cat-and-mouse stuff.

I go years without hearing
from women.

Okay, maybe we can save this.
What have you texted her today?

- Whoa.
- Oh, God.

Did you copy and paste all the
lyrics to a Joni Mitchell song?

No.
No, I-I typed them out.

And a voice memo?

It does voice memos?

Siri, search Angelica Masters
control-top pantyhose.

And you sent her a red heart?

Sir, the progression

is green heart, yellow heart,
purple heart, pink heart,

double-pink heart,
then red heart.

A red heart is what you send
to your mom

on, like, Mothers' Day
or to your dad

when he sends you
a picture of fish he caught

and you don't know
how else to connect.

God, what's wrong with me?

I'm being a total doofus.

And it's because of this thing.

I'm gonna go talk
to her face-to-face.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.

Sir, I am gonna tell you

what I would tell
any friend of mine.

Do not contact Angelica
for one year.

You're being hyperbolic.

You need her to forget
what you did.

Come on.

I am being as serious
as Nicole Kidman in a drama

where she cannot be Australian.

One year, minimum.

I'll set a one-year timer
on your phone, sir.

Is the old car horn
ringtone okay?

No, no, no.

Ms. Shaw,
did you see my memo?

Uh, yeah, you're mad at Tommy

because he made you
too good at scratchers?

Yes. You may have noticed
the erasers

have been gnawed off
all the office pencils.

It was my doing.
I-I'm a little on edge.

Arpi, there's a Salvatore
for you on line one.

I will call him back,
Véronica!

This is the time of day
I'd normally be scratching.

Yeah. Hey, I get it.

You know, when I'm overwhelmed,
I just take a Buzzfeed quiz.

Show me.

Omelet.
"Despicable Me." Boxer briefs.

Tomato soup. A sunset.
The blue dress.

The light-blue dress.
The strapless blue dress.

Boxer briefs.
Butter pecan. Simba.

Done.
And your ideal roommate is...

Olivia Rodrigo! Ooh, fun.

This does not float my barge.

Okay. Well, let's just
take another one quiz.

Which "Sex and the City"
character are you?

Easy. Magda.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Yeah, this job is a killer.

I used to stress-eat,

but I've gotten a handle on it
through daily meditation.

I was just gonna do my app
if you want to do it with me?

I guess we could find
a private...

Oh, right here.

Hi, I'm Coyote Dewitt.

Welcome to
"The Mindful Minute."

Let's begin, as always,
by focusing on our "braadth."

Breathing in,
stopping to notice

where the "braadth" goes in
and the "braadth" goes out.

Why does she say "breath"
so weird?

That's supposed
to be "breath"?

I thought Braadth was some new
god I was supposed to pray to.

3:00, everybody.

Oh. Oh, thank God.

No, no, no!

It's a brownout.

No!

I'm going
to the break-room fridge,

and I'm gonna eat all the food
before it melts!

Oh, yeah.
That'll get you there.

The stakes here
may be too high.

I bit into this
thinking it was a lemon scone,

and it is very much
a tuna melt.

This always makes me
feel fantastic

for, like, 18 to 20 minutes

and then very,
very sleepy and sad.

Hey, Arpi,
I need a quick word.

Are you eating
Valerie's birthday cake?

You know that her birthday was,
like, before Thanksgiving.

Yeah,
we're stress-eating, sir.

Oh. First, thank you.
You were right.

I'm much happier dating
a woman my own age.

When did I ever say
that to you?

I may have imagined
you yelling it at me, I guess.

I don't know.

Anyway, look,
the youngsters are telling me

that I can't call
a certain special lady

for a year.

Now, those aren't
Boomer rules, right?

Boomers don't have
a year to waste.

Don't lump me in with
your "Big Chill" generation.

I'm technically
a Gen X preemie.

I think I should call her.

What? What?

I never called
Salvatore back.

Arpi, have you talked
to Salvatore today?

Apparently there's a problem
with the cooling center.

This is what happens
when I'm off my game!

Hey, now.

Oh.

Uh, look-it, if Arpi calls, uh,
tell her that I had to go, uh,

deal with the heat at the...
You know, the place.

Hey, Dan. Get the car.

Oh, Braadth!

Why have you forsaken me?

Salvatore, what the crap
is this?

Okay, hear me out.

The cooling tent that I brought
yesterday was a backup.

And they already booked it
for today

for the roof of Soho House
because sometimes

the guests complain
that the pool is too heated.

So you put senior citizens
inside a damn clown?

Okay, continue
hearing me out.

I called you earlier and said,

"Would you be okay
with a high-end bouncy house?"

And when I didn't hear
from you, I followed my gut.

I've been working
on not over thinking things.

This is my fault
because I was distracted.

How fast can we
get rid of this?

Well, do we want no injuries
or some injuries?

'Cause those are two
very different time lines.

Ay, la madre!

Get your head
in the game, Arpi!

Why does that one old guy
keep jumping?

He's popcorning everybody.

What do you want me
to do, Arpi?

I can't decide!
Tommy, break my fingers.

I've read that extreme pain
can focus the mind.

Go for the pinky.

Look, do you remember
when I told you

I don't have
a secret coping mechanism?

I lied, I do, and somehow you
have made me feel guilty enough

that I want to let you
in on it.

I'll do anything
at this point

except therapy or Peloton.

Meet me at the corner
of Tujunga and Ventura

at 6:40 a.m. tomorrow.

Don't wear anything baggy
or with zippers.

Can I help you?

You're the guy who does
those E.D. commercials.

Gorgialis.

It's always nice to meet a fan.

What? No, no, no.
I'm the mayor.

What are you doing here?

Me? What's the boner-pill guy
doing here?

I'm also an adjunct professor
of acting and pretend fighting

at Santa Monica
Community College,

but sure, dude.

Brett and I are old friends.

We hit it off on a commercial
for a bathtub you stand up in

and reconnected
after my divorce.

But, Angelica, you texted me.

And you didn't text me back.

So I texted the Trivago guy
and then Brett.

Hey, man,
"Trivago Guy passed"

are my three favorite words.

Brett, do you mind if I have
a moment alone with Neil?

Why didn't you text me back
before coming over here?

I didn't realize
you were seeing other people.

Oh, honey, haven't you
ever heard the term "tramp age"?

Why do people
keep calling me "honey"?

And of course not.

I'm newly single.

And career-wise,
I'm having a moment.

I want to meet people.

I want to expand my horizons.

A "tramp age"
is a rite of passage

for a sexy divorcée like me.

Oh, my God, I just don't get
how this works anymore.

I mean, did you know about
the different color hearts?

Only because I took
a great computer course

at the Learning Annex.

Turns out you can print
from your cell phone!

What?

Listen, I'm sorry
if you felt misled.

For what it's worth,

this is also
a big disappointment for me.

I really wanted to do
some weird stuff with you

that Brett just doesn't have
the height for.

Thank you.

That actually means a lot.
- Okay, bye-bye.

What is this,
some kind of fight club?

If you don't know
what this is,

you shouldn't be here, fish.

Okay, easy, Gretchen.
She's with me.

Yeah, Gretchen.

I'm digging
the "Lord of the Flies" vibe,

but what specifically
are we doing?

Everyone here collects
a special kind of pottery...

Rae Dunn ceramics.

It comes out
in limited editions.

Five minutes after these
doors open, it'll be gone.

Yeah,
'cause I'll have it all.

Oh, you wish!

You usually get
your first taste by accident.

Someone gives you a mug
that says "drink."

Pretty soon you want a plate
that says "plate."

Then you discover
the desktop accessories,

and then they've got you.

On Tuesday and Friday mornings,

that manager puts out
the new stock

and then I fight these Karens
to the death for it.

Look, just follow
my lead, okay?

Keep your elbows up
and don't be afraid

to snatch out
some clip-in weaves!

Go, go, go!

That was...

satisfying.

Yeah.

I appreciate you letting me
see your secret joy.

Makes me feel less alone
in my weirdness.

So see you next week?

Nah.

I can't physically
destroy ladies

with sassy haircuts.

Feels like cannibalism.

But I have enjoyed
this reasonably priced dance

with chaos
and his sister, danger.

I just need to find
my own dirty hotel room

for our next ménage à trois.

Cool. Good luck with that.

Sir, can you explain to me
why the city's

Official Mayor's Office
Twitter account

has been trolling
the Gorgialis account?

A medication I'm also on
but for wake apnea.

You were right, Mikaela.

Angelica's on a tramp age.

Oh, I love that for her.

Yeah, she was just using me.
And I humiliated myself.

Well, at least it was
with Angelica Masters.

My last date was with
an improviser who robbed me.

I don't know. I might text him.

I wasn't excited about her
because she's Internet famous.

I was excited because
we had so much to talk about.

I didn't have to pretend to
know who The Chainsmokers were.

Well, there's probably

a lot of women
that you can do that with.

You just need to find one

who sees you
as more than a jump-off.

Huh. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe it took a one-night
stand with Angelica Masters

to realize
that I really am ready

for a mature relationship.

When do you
want to meet my aunt?

Her name's Patricia,
and she is mean.

Arpi, it's getting dark.

I paid for the hour,
Salvatore, and I need this.

Keep popcorning, Griffin.

Are you an older adult
who thinks he or she

is in an online relationship
with me?

You're probably not.

Hi, I'm Angelica Masters,

and I'm not looking
for anything serious right now,

nor do I need
your social security number

or any other
personal information.

Take it from me,
Angelica Masters will never ask

for your email
or bank account password,

your bank routing number,
the name of your first pet,

pictures of your passport,

or any other
personal information.

She is not interested.

And if Angelica Masters asks

for photos of your genitalia...

better send those...
That could be me.

There is nothing is sexier

than protecting
your personal information

from online scammers.

So keep it sexy, L.A.

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!