Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
- Press conference today?
- No, actually,
I have to leave after
the morning meeting
for a luncheon. I'm
on a 30 under 30 list.
Wow, "forbes" 30 under 30?
No, it's wrong time
of year for "forbes."
You know, I was
"forbes" 30 under 30.
Okay, well this one is for women
who are making a
better los angeles.
"The 'she absolutely
did that' 30 under 30".
Who sponsored this
a women's magazine?
No, a brand of canned rosé
that used to be a
women's magazine.
Well, this is an impressive
list of honorees.
You've got a goop chemist,
tiktok appropriator.
Billie eilish's veterinarian.
Her tarantula had
a fungus, james.
Any idea if the mayor
will be gracing us
with his presence
today, ms. Shaw?
I have a proposal to run by him.
Oh, I also need 20
minutes at some point.
And I need to show the
mayor some pants I bought.
I'm trying something new, and
I need him to be on board.
Okay, well, he's
pretty tied up today.
He asked kathy to clear
his morning for the I-team.
And what are we, chopped liver?
You know, I never
understood that expression.
Chopped liver is delicious.
You get a three-foot baguette,
couple inches of chopped liver
on there, that's your morning.
Man, I love inside jokes.
- But I do not.
- Oh, this guy.
Sir, I don't know if
you saw my latest email.
The subject line was
"email from arpi."
No, sorry, but
speaking of the latest,
the I-team and I are
working on something
and we can't wait to
get it off the ground.
Stop laughing, you're
not part of it.
- I am.
- You don't know everything.
The mayor and I are working
on a rapid transit solution
for dodger stadium...
It's a gondola
from union station,
like at a ski resort.
Or a theme park.
Sometimes a gondola is
the fastest way to be
transported back
to the parking lot
when your t-shirt's
inappropriate.
Gondolas, okay.
I look forward to seeing that
in the year 3000 and never.
Actually, arpi, we
think it'll be ready
for the olympics.
Tomorrow, james and I are
gonna take the helicopter
for an exploratory trip
with the director
of city planning.
I should be wearing a leather
jacket for that, right?
Oh, you could wear a
ball gown if you want.
We're just excited to have
a mayor who will listen.
Do you need anything
before I take off, sir?
Remember, salad works is
the place that you like.
The salad mill is a
dance club for gentlemen.
Right. Hey, quick question.
I'm good at reading people.
Back at my billboard company,
I predicted so many divorces.
Was the morning
meeting a little tense?
- Yeah, sir.
- You may not get this
since orly is an only child,
but when parents
have a second kid,
the older one can sometimes
resent the attention
that the baby gets.
And here at work,
there's a new baby.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Are you talking
about the I-team?
And what, the rest of my staff's
a bunch of jealous toddlers?
Arpi shops at gapkids,
and jayden is pretty
afraid of haircuts.
You're doing a lot of special
things with the new kids...
Inside jokes and
helicopter rides.
It's so weird for me to
think of a helicopter ride
as special, but okay, I
will block off the afternoon
for some adult fun
with my colleagues.
You cannot word it that
way in the public calendar,
- but thank you.
- I know.
And just to be clear, I don't
need that kind of validation
because I'm getting
a trophy today
for being a really good girl.
It is such an honor to
be here with all of these
other amazing women
chosen by boss betch rose.
I wanna thank all
of the girlboss hoes
on the nominating committee
for recognizing the epic
work that our administration
has done for the
less privileged.
On our watch, for the first
time in this she-llenium...
Yeah, I said it...
The homeless count
has not gone up.
Of course, there's
more work to be done.
But thanks to my initiative
to turn all of the
abandoned souplantations
into shelters for the unhoused,
we flattened the curve.
Curves flattening curves.
Am I right, ladies?
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
Usually people just keep
walking or skateboarding
or filming their
walk-and-talk for "ncis".
- What's your name?
- Teri.
That is a really beautiful name.
- Okay.
- You know, teri,
this city offers a
lot of great services
for people experiencing
homelessness.
And if you'd like, I can bring
you to one of our new shelters.
Sure.
Look at that. Isn't
this beautiful?
Good lord, I thought
you were joking.
You really took us
to a golf course?
Arpi, in my world, this
is a sign of respect.
This club is very special to me.
Listen to that. That
is the sound of planes
not being allowed within
10 miles of this course.
Yeah. I'll wait in the car.
- Oh, come on arpi.
- This is gonna be fun.
Come on, let's
get you geared up.
Right behind you, sir.
Arpi, do you not see
the opportunity here?
Yeah, if this is at
all like "caddyshack,"
we're gonna see gophers.
Will they be dancing
around like in the movie?
Probably not, I'm sorry.
No, when my college roommates
didn't invite me to go golfing,
they were gone for
five or six hours.
We're gonna get a huge chunk
of alone time with neil.
No I-team in sight.
I promised myself I would
never pick up a golf club
unless I was breaking
the windshield
of an unfaithful lover. But...
Let's do this.
Make sure you tell them that
the mayor's office sent you.
Oh, here take this
swag bag, too.
Wow. Pop chips, an
issue of "in style,"
oh, and a coupon for
a couple's massage
at the w hotel in miami.
So loved getting
to know you, teri.
Same.
Have so much fun!
Huh, so that's why
"c" is for "corpse".
Well-played, sue grafton.
There you go. That's better.
My socks feel weird.
You can't take 'em off, jayden.
We're just walking and
talking, and it's so hot.
Come on, don't do that.
Sir, while jayden is dying,
maybe I can show you something.
This is a demo for an
app I've been developing
that tells tourists
about the history
of their parking spot.
Wouldn't you pay extra
to park in the same spot
where dr. Harry dalton... As
played by pierce brosnan...
Parked before he talked to the
army men in "dante's peak"?
Why can't I get internet here?
Because we're on a golf course.
Jayden, get up!
- Good thing.
- I'm all analog, sir.
Do you know how
much money diarrhea
cost the city every year?
That's why I want
to tackle m.U.D.
- Okay, stop.
- For several reasons.
It's evocative, I know. It's
gonna make a great hashtag.
- Arpi, this is a private club.
- We can't discuss work here...
What, then why
would you bring us
to this hellhole
of white privilege?
Hey, first of all, our
treasurer is diverse.
And I was just trying
to do something special
with you guys.
You know, share something
that I haven't even shared
with my tax guy.
And thanks to him, I made
negative $10,000 last year.
- I have a bar! Sir, sir, sir!
- I can show you my thing I made!
I told you to put that away.
There are no electronics
on this course.
You looked at your phone.
Hey do as I say, not as I
do, orly... arpi, I mean.
Is there something
on my neck? Ow.
What? You're sunburned.
Can't you guys not
even put on sunscreen?
I did. Don't yell at me
'cause you're mad at him.
- Arpi, arpi!
- Hey, don't ignore me!
I learned it from watching you.
- Ow!
- Oh, my god.
You guys are acting like...
- Children.
- It feels spicy!
.
Well, you were right.
The staff is jealous,
and they're regressing.
On the ride home, arpi gave
me the silent treatment
and jayden got so worked
up he threw up as go-gurt.
Yeah, and now the other
kids have heard about
your golf outing, and
they're acting out.
What do you mean?
Valerie, that's not where
that goes, young lady.
Hey, luis! That's
not who we are!
All right, all right. What
are we supposed to do now?
We? Oh, yeah, sir, I
wish I could help you,
but I've decided to play
the role of "cool auntie,"
and just throw
you under the bus.
- Dan, get the car.
- Where are you going?
I'm handling this situation
the way my father would've.
I'm going for a drive.
And when I get back, I
will be a little drunk
and ranting about how there
are too many tv channels now.
It's still true, by the way.
You know, I took a closer look
- at the brochure.
- Oh, my god, obsessed.
My picture is good
though, right?
It was my idea to
lean in that doorway.
Sure, uh, look,
I just didn't realize
that you got the award
for "flattening the
homelessness curve".
Mm-hmm, not all
heroes wear capes.
Although I did just
order a cape from asos.
- Return it.
- Don't even open the box.
Look, I didn't necessarily
want to tell you this today,
but my team has been cleaning
up data from the past year
and the city's homeless
count was a mess...
- What?
- Look, I'm happy to share
the data inconsistencies
with you,
because they definitely suggest
that the unhoused
population went up.
Wow, I can't tell if you're
just desperate to convince neil
that you're more useful than me,
or if you just can't
stand that I got an award
that isn't just for
corporate sellouts.
Malala was on the
same list with me.
Well, the creative exec who runs
her production shingle
was on mine, okay?
Arpi? Arpi, the I-team
is trying to claim
that our homeless count was off.
Is this all how you
consulting groans
know how to do?
Regurgitate things
other people have
been saying forever?
Wait you agree with james?
No, arpi, he's the villain here.
Oh, come on, I am a good guy.
I haven't said anything about
how that award
misspelled "absolutely."
Oh, come...
The homeless count
is never right.
L.A. Doesn't have the
resources to recruit, train,
or equip enough volunteers
for a proper count.
So the city took a
page from new york...
The "flavor of love" contestant.
You mean the city.
New york city.
Okay. I'm starting to
feel this fifth can.
Nyc conducts its homeless count
on the coldest
night of the year,
when the fewest people are
actually on the street.
But since I.A. Is
never that cold,
dhs decided our count
would be on oscar night.
- The day I.A.
- Moves all the unhoused people
who live near the red carpet
to the city of glendale.
And potential volunteers
are all stuck at home
with oscar fever.
Seriously, mikaela, you
thought in the 21st century,
in los angeles,
homelessness didn't go up?
But, but I got a trophy...
And you "absotudely"
don't deserve it.
I'll be on the roof.
Not feeling this ice cold rosé
through my stolen golf glove.
Wait a second. Teri?
Why... why aren't
you at the shelter?
- Um, I don't love shelters.
- They're not that safe.
And the curfew so early,
it's dehumanizing.
But we got rid of the
souplantation smell.
Oh, you really didn't.
I spent the night in one of
those shelters the other week
and I'm still like, "where's
the italian wedding?"
Around here, I know the other
people and the store owners.
Sometimes, when I buy
a coffee from 7-eleven,
they throw in a bag of chips.
You know lay's made a special
edition tuna casserole chip?
- Who voted for that?
- Okay.
But if you didn't want to stay,
why did you let me take you?
I mean, it seemed important
to you to help me.
Like maybe you needed
to "make a difference"?
No judgment.
- No, I... I make a difference.
- I got I.A. To put
malin+goetz products
in the mobile showers
on the plaza, so...
Smelling like grapefruit
and sandalwood
will definitely pay
for my mom's meds
and get me my job back.
Well, I will make a difference.
I'm gonna earn that award.
- You got an award?
- Hey, congrats!
What's it for?
Good for her.
Hi, honey.
Hey, dad, do you know why
we have two hulu accounts?
Uh, that makes it
premium, I think.
Hey, while I got you,
how do you imagine
you would react if you
suddenly had a baby sibling?
What? Dad, ew! What?
- Oh, no, sorry, sorry.
- I'm not having a person baby.
I have a work baby.
Her name is "the
innovation team."
And I'm worried that
my older work children
are feeling ignored.
- That makes sense?
- Like how ceviche
started pulling her eyebrows out
after her sister
landline was born.
She's named after her
grandmother's phone.
Oh, so what did ceviche's
parents do to fix it?
- She got eyebrow plugs.
- No, no, I mean, emotionally.
Oh, well, they spent
one special day a month
where she gets to
decide what they do.
They call it yes day.
She usually picks
something like a piercing
or an ironic trip
to a strip club.
And she's much happier now.
Let the kid pick
what they wanna do.
Of course. Thank you.
Oh, I see why we
have two hulu's.
We were both trying to watch
"normal people" in secret.
No, no, I haven't... bye, dad.
- I haven't watched...
- Ah, who cares?
- Whatever we want?
- Yes, I'm serious.
Tomorrow, we will do
whatever you want.
Seafood tower,
in-office masseuse.
There's this married couple
who will make up a whole
musical just about us.
We wanna pitch our ideas to you.
You sure? 'Cause that music
couples sure had a lot
- of great looking wigs.
- No, she's right, sir.
But I will take the card
for the husband and
wife make 'em ups.
I'm planning my cousin's
bachelor party, so...
Okay, listen up, everybody,
tomorrow, my door
is officially open.
Any city hall employee
can come pitch me
one new idea that
will improve I.A.
Because you are all
very special to me.
Ooh, it's like "big
block of cheese day"
- from the "west wing."
- yeah, or "shark tank."
Ooh, that barbara corcoran.
Ha-chi-cha-chi, am I right?
Oh, thanks for coming in early.
No sweat.
I keep my sleep schedule two
hours ahead of time in case
- I ever take a trip to chicago.
- Great.
Well, I spent all night
dreaming of new bold ideas
for how to solve the
homelessness crisis.
"Solve". Okay, hotshot.
Well if it's all a
housing cost issue,
we can just raise
the minimum wage...
To keep up with inflation.
We need to raise
it to $47 an hour.
- What else you got?
- Okay.
Um, we could build more
single room occupancy units...
Nimby. Angelenos don't want
'em in their backyards.
Community boards block that
every time we try it. Next.
Then declare a state
of emergency...
Those are just for show.
Don't give us extra
funding or power.
Okay. Give everyone
equinox memberships.
And clear everybody out by
5:00 am for "best butt ever"?
Let them live on
failed sitcom sets...
The kitchens don't work,
and it's hard to get rid
of patti heaton vibes.
Mattresses made out
of thrown-out wigs
from hamburger mary's...
Ms. Shaw, we tried all these.
The quick fix solutions
never get anywhere
because the city won't admit
how bad the problem even is.
This is just so demoralizing.
I know it's a heavy issue,
which is why network comedy
shouldn't even go there.
Some problems have
an easy solution.
I picked my haircut 40 years ago
and never looked back.
But others? You just got to be
in the fight for the long haul.
- I'm gonna run for chancellor.
- Yeah!
Excited for the day, mr. Mayor.
To keep you from playing
games on your phone,
I asked orly to help me
change your lock screen.
- Gah!
- "gah," indeed, sir.
Arpi, I want you to know that
I am fully committed to this.
Well, let's start
with an easy one.
How many work hours a year
does the average angelino
lose to preventable diarrhea?
Let's take a look.
No, no, no.
As you can see, there's some
historical parking spots
right here in your city hall.
Go ahead and click on one, sir.
"This is where bill hollywood
came up with the idea
that movies should suck."
Okay, you know what, I
asked bryce the intern
to help me with this,
and I guess he had some
fun at my expense...
"During the 1932 los
angeles olympics,
this is where tommy tomas
farted himself to death."
Bryce, I will be telling
tulane about this!
Thus, I feel it is time
for the hollywood sign
to be bigger so people can read
what those letters say.
Ah.
L.A. Needs an official song.
Now, it'll have to be
proceeded by a warning
because I sing in a register
that can trigger seizures.
We gotta bring tourists
back into our hotels.
Couldn't agree more.
So let's make it a law
that no more relatives
can stay at my house, okay?
I'll consider it, sophia.
I think the mayor should let
the driver choose the music.
Okay.
How's everybody doing today?
Good? So here's an idea.
We harness the energy of women
swiping me left on tinder.
Luis, is this a real idea,
or are you just working
on your stand up?
Well, it's not
getting any laughs,
so uh, real idea, I guess.
What else? What else?
Bumble? More like humble.
.
Hey, so I took a look
over the unhoused
numbers that you sent,
and I think that they
might in fact be a mess.
Huh.
It's almost as if you're
saying that I was right.
Okay, don't test me, james.
Your mom's facebook is public
and I've already
saved a video of you
as the only boy in a tap show.
Okay, okay. Withdrawn.
Look, I get that the
situation is worse
than when we arrived,
and I might not have
a quick fix for that.
But I think if we're going
to be persistent about it,
we first need to get
a real accurate count,
and I need the I-team
to help me with that.
Oh, okay. Great.
But you do realize that if we
get a truly accurate count,
we're not gonna get any praise.
You know, if anything, it's
just gonna make people more...
More furious with us? Yeah.
I'm familiar with how
ugly social media can be.
I posted a picture of myself
in the cape that I bought
and I trended briefly
as "lady farquaad."
Wow, that's an old reference.
Well, don't worry. I got you.
Uh, I mean, we got you.
Well, thank you,
and I look forward to
working with you as well.
Ooh-whoo!
Sorry, I was watching the
"saved by the bell" reboot
on my phone.
Yeah.
Thank you, stephen.
I'm not sure how dating your
mom would help the city,
but she seems like
a lovely woman
I will certainly keep
her number on file.
Nice work, stephen.
Chopper's on the roof, boss.
That's it! That's this
year's staff t-shirt.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Where are you going, sir?
Arpi, I've been
here for four hours.
I can't use any of these ideas.
- It doesn't matter.
- It's yes day,
and you promised your children.
Jayden's not going
to be 41 forever.
Okay, kwapis, let's
hear your pitch.
Great. Actually, I
have ten pitches...
- You can do one...
- Four?
- One.
- 29?
- One.
- Fine.
I wrote it out.
"I get sad when we all fight.
"I think siblings should
be nice to their siblings
and share things with them."
Sure. Yeah.
And that's your pitch for
the city of los angeles?
Yes, I say we invite all of
I.A.'s sister cities to visit
because then we can
all share ideas.
Athens has dealt with smog
and hosting a recent olympics.
Auckland is a leader in
gun control and green tech.
And split, croatia?
That's where "game of
thrones" filmed dragon stuff.
It is time that I.A. Got
to know its 25 sisters
and they got to know
their one brother.
Because I.A. Is a boy.
- Jayden that's actually great.
- It's global,
and it shows our
commitment to new ideas.
And, frankly, unlike
most I-team ideas,
we could probably do it
by the end of the year.
Almost makes me want to
hear your other 28 pitches.
Idea number two, city lizard.
It's like city bike
but with lizards,
for angelenos whose moms
are lizard-reluctant.
Okay, thank you.
Teri.
Oh, how are you the
hardest part of my day?
Teri, I just wanted to apologize
for overlooking the
problems in the shelter
and to let you know
that we're gonna get
a true, accurate count of
the unhoused population.
It won't fix everything,
but it's the first step
towards real solutions.
Cool.
So is this the
part in your movie
where that kt tunstall
song starts to play?
- Yeah, you know what?
- I was lying before.
Teri isn't that
pretty of a name.
Thank you for that.
- For what?
- You didn't patronize me.
I miss people feeling
comfortable to be
low-stakes petty around me.
Oh, low-stakes petty
is where I reside.
Can I tell you how much
I hate my sister's baby?
If you buy me sweetgreen.
- Okay, deal.
- Okay.
So the second that
I got this job,
she took her first
steps, and apparently
it was "early for her age".
Okay, vivian, I see you.
Also, she stays acting like
she can't pronounce my name.
She calls me g-boo.
That's not even close.
G-boo? My name is mikaela.
Yeah, I'm also
going to be needing
- a jasmine lemonade, g-boo.
- Totally.
- No, actually,
I have to leave after
the morning meeting
for a luncheon. I'm
on a 30 under 30 list.
Wow, "forbes" 30 under 30?
No, it's wrong time
of year for "forbes."
You know, I was
"forbes" 30 under 30.
Okay, well this one is for women
who are making a
better los angeles.
"The 'she absolutely
did that' 30 under 30".
Who sponsored this
a women's magazine?
No, a brand of canned rosé
that used to be a
women's magazine.
Well, this is an impressive
list of honorees.
You've got a goop chemist,
tiktok appropriator.
Billie eilish's veterinarian.
Her tarantula had
a fungus, james.
Any idea if the mayor
will be gracing us
with his presence
today, ms. Shaw?
I have a proposal to run by him.
Oh, I also need 20
minutes at some point.
And I need to show the
mayor some pants I bought.
I'm trying something new, and
I need him to be on board.
Okay, well, he's
pretty tied up today.
He asked kathy to clear
his morning for the I-team.
And what are we, chopped liver?
You know, I never
understood that expression.
Chopped liver is delicious.
You get a three-foot baguette,
couple inches of chopped liver
on there, that's your morning.
Man, I love inside jokes.
- But I do not.
- Oh, this guy.
Sir, I don't know if
you saw my latest email.
The subject line was
"email from arpi."
No, sorry, but
speaking of the latest,
the I-team and I are
working on something
and we can't wait to
get it off the ground.
Stop laughing, you're
not part of it.
- I am.
- You don't know everything.
The mayor and I are working
on a rapid transit solution
for dodger stadium...
It's a gondola
from union station,
like at a ski resort.
Or a theme park.
Sometimes a gondola is
the fastest way to be
transported back
to the parking lot
when your t-shirt's
inappropriate.
Gondolas, okay.
I look forward to seeing that
in the year 3000 and never.
Actually, arpi, we
think it'll be ready
for the olympics.
Tomorrow, james and I are
gonna take the helicopter
for an exploratory trip
with the director
of city planning.
I should be wearing a leather
jacket for that, right?
Oh, you could wear a
ball gown if you want.
We're just excited to have
a mayor who will listen.
Do you need anything
before I take off, sir?
Remember, salad works is
the place that you like.
The salad mill is a
dance club for gentlemen.
Right. Hey, quick question.
I'm good at reading people.
Back at my billboard company,
I predicted so many divorces.
Was the morning
meeting a little tense?
- Yeah, sir.
- You may not get this
since orly is an only child,
but when parents
have a second kid,
the older one can sometimes
resent the attention
that the baby gets.
And here at work,
there's a new baby.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Are you talking
about the I-team?
And what, the rest of my staff's
a bunch of jealous toddlers?
Arpi shops at gapkids,
and jayden is pretty
afraid of haircuts.
You're doing a lot of special
things with the new kids...
Inside jokes and
helicopter rides.
It's so weird for me to
think of a helicopter ride
as special, but okay, I
will block off the afternoon
for some adult fun
with my colleagues.
You cannot word it that
way in the public calendar,
- but thank you.
- I know.
And just to be clear, I don't
need that kind of validation
because I'm getting
a trophy today
for being a really good girl.
It is such an honor to
be here with all of these
other amazing women
chosen by boss betch rose.
I wanna thank all
of the girlboss hoes
on the nominating committee
for recognizing the epic
work that our administration
has done for the
less privileged.
On our watch, for the first
time in this she-llenium...
Yeah, I said it...
The homeless count
has not gone up.
Of course, there's
more work to be done.
But thanks to my initiative
to turn all of the
abandoned souplantations
into shelters for the unhoused,
we flattened the curve.
Curves flattening curves.
Am I right, ladies?
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
It's fine.
Usually people just keep
walking or skateboarding
or filming their
walk-and-talk for "ncis".
- What's your name?
- Teri.
That is a really beautiful name.
- Okay.
- You know, teri,
this city offers a
lot of great services
for people experiencing
homelessness.
And if you'd like, I can bring
you to one of our new shelters.
Sure.
Look at that. Isn't
this beautiful?
Good lord, I thought
you were joking.
You really took us
to a golf course?
Arpi, in my world, this
is a sign of respect.
This club is very special to me.
Listen to that. That
is the sound of planes
not being allowed within
10 miles of this course.
Yeah. I'll wait in the car.
- Oh, come on arpi.
- This is gonna be fun.
Come on, let's
get you geared up.
Right behind you, sir.
Arpi, do you not see
the opportunity here?
Yeah, if this is at
all like "caddyshack,"
we're gonna see gophers.
Will they be dancing
around like in the movie?
Probably not, I'm sorry.
No, when my college roommates
didn't invite me to go golfing,
they were gone for
five or six hours.
We're gonna get a huge chunk
of alone time with neil.
No I-team in sight.
I promised myself I would
never pick up a golf club
unless I was breaking
the windshield
of an unfaithful lover. But...
Let's do this.
Make sure you tell them that
the mayor's office sent you.
Oh, here take this
swag bag, too.
Wow. Pop chips, an
issue of "in style,"
oh, and a coupon for
a couple's massage
at the w hotel in miami.
So loved getting
to know you, teri.
Same.
Have so much fun!
Huh, so that's why
"c" is for "corpse".
Well-played, sue grafton.
There you go. That's better.
My socks feel weird.
You can't take 'em off, jayden.
We're just walking and
talking, and it's so hot.
Come on, don't do that.
Sir, while jayden is dying,
maybe I can show you something.
This is a demo for an
app I've been developing
that tells tourists
about the history
of their parking spot.
Wouldn't you pay extra
to park in the same spot
where dr. Harry dalton... As
played by pierce brosnan...
Parked before he talked to the
army men in "dante's peak"?
Why can't I get internet here?
Because we're on a golf course.
Jayden, get up!
- Good thing.
- I'm all analog, sir.
Do you know how
much money diarrhea
cost the city every year?
That's why I want
to tackle m.U.D.
- Okay, stop.
- For several reasons.
It's evocative, I know. It's
gonna make a great hashtag.
- Arpi, this is a private club.
- We can't discuss work here...
What, then why
would you bring us
to this hellhole
of white privilege?
Hey, first of all, our
treasurer is diverse.
And I was just trying
to do something special
with you guys.
You know, share something
that I haven't even shared
with my tax guy.
And thanks to him, I made
negative $10,000 last year.
- I have a bar! Sir, sir, sir!
- I can show you my thing I made!
I told you to put that away.
There are no electronics
on this course.
You looked at your phone.
Hey do as I say, not as I
do, orly... arpi, I mean.
Is there something
on my neck? Ow.
What? You're sunburned.
Can't you guys not
even put on sunscreen?
I did. Don't yell at me
'cause you're mad at him.
- Arpi, arpi!
- Hey, don't ignore me!
I learned it from watching you.
- Ow!
- Oh, my god.
You guys are acting like...
- Children.
- It feels spicy!
.
Well, you were right.
The staff is jealous,
and they're regressing.
On the ride home, arpi gave
me the silent treatment
and jayden got so worked
up he threw up as go-gurt.
Yeah, and now the other
kids have heard about
your golf outing, and
they're acting out.
What do you mean?
Valerie, that's not where
that goes, young lady.
Hey, luis! That's
not who we are!
All right, all right. What
are we supposed to do now?
We? Oh, yeah, sir, I
wish I could help you,
but I've decided to play
the role of "cool auntie,"
and just throw
you under the bus.
- Dan, get the car.
- Where are you going?
I'm handling this situation
the way my father would've.
I'm going for a drive.
And when I get back, I
will be a little drunk
and ranting about how there
are too many tv channels now.
It's still true, by the way.
You know, I took a closer look
- at the brochure.
- Oh, my god, obsessed.
My picture is good
though, right?
It was my idea to
lean in that doorway.
Sure, uh, look,
I just didn't realize
that you got the award
for "flattening the
homelessness curve".
Mm-hmm, not all
heroes wear capes.
Although I did just
order a cape from asos.
- Return it.
- Don't even open the box.
Look, I didn't necessarily
want to tell you this today,
but my team has been cleaning
up data from the past year
and the city's homeless
count was a mess...
- What?
- Look, I'm happy to share
the data inconsistencies
with you,
because they definitely suggest
that the unhoused
population went up.
Wow, I can't tell if you're
just desperate to convince neil
that you're more useful than me,
or if you just can't
stand that I got an award
that isn't just for
corporate sellouts.
Malala was on the
same list with me.
Well, the creative exec who runs
her production shingle
was on mine, okay?
Arpi? Arpi, the I-team
is trying to claim
that our homeless count was off.
Is this all how you
consulting groans
know how to do?
Regurgitate things
other people have
been saying forever?
Wait you agree with james?
No, arpi, he's the villain here.
Oh, come on, I am a good guy.
I haven't said anything about
how that award
misspelled "absolutely."
Oh, come...
The homeless count
is never right.
L.A. Doesn't have the
resources to recruit, train,
or equip enough volunteers
for a proper count.
So the city took a
page from new york...
The "flavor of love" contestant.
You mean the city.
New york city.
Okay. I'm starting to
feel this fifth can.
Nyc conducts its homeless count
on the coldest
night of the year,
when the fewest people are
actually on the street.
But since I.A. Is
never that cold,
dhs decided our count
would be on oscar night.
- The day I.A.
- Moves all the unhoused people
who live near the red carpet
to the city of glendale.
And potential volunteers
are all stuck at home
with oscar fever.
Seriously, mikaela, you
thought in the 21st century,
in los angeles,
homelessness didn't go up?
But, but I got a trophy...
And you "absotudely"
don't deserve it.
I'll be on the roof.
Not feeling this ice cold rosé
through my stolen golf glove.
Wait a second. Teri?
Why... why aren't
you at the shelter?
- Um, I don't love shelters.
- They're not that safe.
And the curfew so early,
it's dehumanizing.
But we got rid of the
souplantation smell.
Oh, you really didn't.
I spent the night in one of
those shelters the other week
and I'm still like, "where's
the italian wedding?"
Around here, I know the other
people and the store owners.
Sometimes, when I buy
a coffee from 7-eleven,
they throw in a bag of chips.
You know lay's made a special
edition tuna casserole chip?
- Who voted for that?
- Okay.
But if you didn't want to stay,
why did you let me take you?
I mean, it seemed important
to you to help me.
Like maybe you needed
to "make a difference"?
No judgment.
- No, I... I make a difference.
- I got I.A. To put
malin+goetz products
in the mobile showers
on the plaza, so...
Smelling like grapefruit
and sandalwood
will definitely pay
for my mom's meds
and get me my job back.
Well, I will make a difference.
I'm gonna earn that award.
- You got an award?
- Hey, congrats!
What's it for?
Good for her.
Hi, honey.
Hey, dad, do you know why
we have two hulu accounts?
Uh, that makes it
premium, I think.
Hey, while I got you,
how do you imagine
you would react if you
suddenly had a baby sibling?
What? Dad, ew! What?
- Oh, no, sorry, sorry.
- I'm not having a person baby.
I have a work baby.
Her name is "the
innovation team."
And I'm worried that
my older work children
are feeling ignored.
- That makes sense?
- Like how ceviche
started pulling her eyebrows out
after her sister
landline was born.
She's named after her
grandmother's phone.
Oh, so what did ceviche's
parents do to fix it?
- She got eyebrow plugs.
- No, no, I mean, emotionally.
Oh, well, they spent
one special day a month
where she gets to
decide what they do.
They call it yes day.
She usually picks
something like a piercing
or an ironic trip
to a strip club.
And she's much happier now.
Let the kid pick
what they wanna do.
Of course. Thank you.
Oh, I see why we
have two hulu's.
We were both trying to watch
"normal people" in secret.
No, no, I haven't... bye, dad.
- I haven't watched...
- Ah, who cares?
- Whatever we want?
- Yes, I'm serious.
Tomorrow, we will do
whatever you want.
Seafood tower,
in-office masseuse.
There's this married couple
who will make up a whole
musical just about us.
We wanna pitch our ideas to you.
You sure? 'Cause that music
couples sure had a lot
- of great looking wigs.
- No, she's right, sir.
But I will take the card
for the husband and
wife make 'em ups.
I'm planning my cousin's
bachelor party, so...
Okay, listen up, everybody,
tomorrow, my door
is officially open.
Any city hall employee
can come pitch me
one new idea that
will improve I.A.
Because you are all
very special to me.
Ooh, it's like "big
block of cheese day"
- from the "west wing."
- yeah, or "shark tank."
Ooh, that barbara corcoran.
Ha-chi-cha-chi, am I right?
Oh, thanks for coming in early.
No sweat.
I keep my sleep schedule two
hours ahead of time in case
- I ever take a trip to chicago.
- Great.
Well, I spent all night
dreaming of new bold ideas
for how to solve the
homelessness crisis.
"Solve". Okay, hotshot.
Well if it's all a
housing cost issue,
we can just raise
the minimum wage...
To keep up with inflation.
We need to raise
it to $47 an hour.
- What else you got?
- Okay.
Um, we could build more
single room occupancy units...
Nimby. Angelenos don't want
'em in their backyards.
Community boards block that
every time we try it. Next.
Then declare a state
of emergency...
Those are just for show.
Don't give us extra
funding or power.
Okay. Give everyone
equinox memberships.
And clear everybody out by
5:00 am for "best butt ever"?
Let them live on
failed sitcom sets...
The kitchens don't work,
and it's hard to get rid
of patti heaton vibes.
Mattresses made out
of thrown-out wigs
from hamburger mary's...
Ms. Shaw, we tried all these.
The quick fix solutions
never get anywhere
because the city won't admit
how bad the problem even is.
This is just so demoralizing.
I know it's a heavy issue,
which is why network comedy
shouldn't even go there.
Some problems have
an easy solution.
I picked my haircut 40 years ago
and never looked back.
But others? You just got to be
in the fight for the long haul.
- I'm gonna run for chancellor.
- Yeah!
Excited for the day, mr. Mayor.
To keep you from playing
games on your phone,
I asked orly to help me
change your lock screen.
- Gah!
- "gah," indeed, sir.
Arpi, I want you to know that
I am fully committed to this.
Well, let's start
with an easy one.
How many work hours a year
does the average angelino
lose to preventable diarrhea?
Let's take a look.
No, no, no.
As you can see, there's some
historical parking spots
right here in your city hall.
Go ahead and click on one, sir.
"This is where bill hollywood
came up with the idea
that movies should suck."
Okay, you know what, I
asked bryce the intern
to help me with this,
and I guess he had some
fun at my expense...
"During the 1932 los
angeles olympics,
this is where tommy tomas
farted himself to death."
Bryce, I will be telling
tulane about this!
Thus, I feel it is time
for the hollywood sign
to be bigger so people can read
what those letters say.
Ah.
L.A. Needs an official song.
Now, it'll have to be
proceeded by a warning
because I sing in a register
that can trigger seizures.
We gotta bring tourists
back into our hotels.
Couldn't agree more.
So let's make it a law
that no more relatives
can stay at my house, okay?
I'll consider it, sophia.
I think the mayor should let
the driver choose the music.
Okay.
How's everybody doing today?
Good? So here's an idea.
We harness the energy of women
swiping me left on tinder.
Luis, is this a real idea,
or are you just working
on your stand up?
Well, it's not
getting any laughs,
so uh, real idea, I guess.
What else? What else?
Bumble? More like humble.
.
Hey, so I took a look
over the unhoused
numbers that you sent,
and I think that they
might in fact be a mess.
Huh.
It's almost as if you're
saying that I was right.
Okay, don't test me, james.
Your mom's facebook is public
and I've already
saved a video of you
as the only boy in a tap show.
Okay, okay. Withdrawn.
Look, I get that the
situation is worse
than when we arrived,
and I might not have
a quick fix for that.
But I think if we're going
to be persistent about it,
we first need to get
a real accurate count,
and I need the I-team
to help me with that.
Oh, okay. Great.
But you do realize that if we
get a truly accurate count,
we're not gonna get any praise.
You know, if anything, it's
just gonna make people more...
More furious with us? Yeah.
I'm familiar with how
ugly social media can be.
I posted a picture of myself
in the cape that I bought
and I trended briefly
as "lady farquaad."
Wow, that's an old reference.
Well, don't worry. I got you.
Uh, I mean, we got you.
Well, thank you,
and I look forward to
working with you as well.
Ooh-whoo!
Sorry, I was watching the
"saved by the bell" reboot
on my phone.
Yeah.
Thank you, stephen.
I'm not sure how dating your
mom would help the city,
but she seems like
a lovely woman
I will certainly keep
her number on file.
Nice work, stephen.
Chopper's on the roof, boss.
That's it! That's this
year's staff t-shirt.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Where are you going, sir?
Arpi, I've been
here for four hours.
I can't use any of these ideas.
- It doesn't matter.
- It's yes day,
and you promised your children.
Jayden's not going
to be 41 forever.
Okay, kwapis, let's
hear your pitch.
Great. Actually, I
have ten pitches...
- You can do one...
- Four?
- One.
- 29?
- One.
- Fine.
I wrote it out.
"I get sad when we all fight.
"I think siblings should
be nice to their siblings
and share things with them."
Sure. Yeah.
And that's your pitch for
the city of los angeles?
Yes, I say we invite all of
I.A.'s sister cities to visit
because then we can
all share ideas.
Athens has dealt with smog
and hosting a recent olympics.
Auckland is a leader in
gun control and green tech.
And split, croatia?
That's where "game of
thrones" filmed dragon stuff.
It is time that I.A. Got
to know its 25 sisters
and they got to know
their one brother.
Because I.A. Is a boy.
- Jayden that's actually great.
- It's global,
and it shows our
commitment to new ideas.
And, frankly, unlike
most I-team ideas,
we could probably do it
by the end of the year.
Almost makes me want to
hear your other 28 pitches.
Idea number two, city lizard.
It's like city bike
but with lizards,
for angelenos whose moms
are lizard-reluctant.
Okay, thank you.
Teri.
Oh, how are you the
hardest part of my day?
Teri, I just wanted to apologize
for overlooking the
problems in the shelter
and to let you know
that we're gonna get
a true, accurate count of
the unhoused population.
It won't fix everything,
but it's the first step
towards real solutions.
Cool.
So is this the
part in your movie
where that kt tunstall
song starts to play?
- Yeah, you know what?
- I was lying before.
Teri isn't that
pretty of a name.
Thank you for that.
- For what?
- You didn't patronize me.
I miss people feeling
comfortable to be
low-stakes petty around me.
Oh, low-stakes petty
is where I reside.
Can I tell you how much
I hate my sister's baby?
If you buy me sweetgreen.
- Okay, deal.
- Okay.
So the second that
I got this job,
she took her first
steps, and apparently
it was "early for her age".
Okay, vivian, I see you.
Also, she stays acting like
she can't pronounce my name.
She calls me g-boo.
That's not even close.
G-boo? My name is mikaela.
Yeah, I'm also
going to be needing
- a jasmine lemonade, g-boo.
- Totally.