Mr. Mayor (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
We did it!
A year ago,
we said we were gonna tackle
L.A's traffic problems.
And today we now have completed
citywide, dedicated bus lanes.
What do we want? Bus lanes!
When do we want
them? We got 'em.
Now I could rest on my laurels,
but I'm not a
rest-on-my-laurels guy.
And I know that
like this bus lane
that currently ends in
Burbank, we can go further.
California is the innovation
capital of the world...
The iPhone, Disneyland,
the Ryan Murphy
Cinematic Universe.
These are all homegrown ideas.
So I have hand-picked a new team
of California's sharpest minds
to form the Mayor's
Office of Innovation.
Housing, jobs,
health, tourism...
Let's get innovative, L.A.
Get out of my dreams
and onto that bus.
Those passengers are
gonna be on the beach
in seven minutes.
That's too fast!
Have you sussed out these
innovation consultants yet?
Some of these guys
have necks and chins.
Oh, God. Is that
how low my bar is?
Yes, and none of them
have any old tweets
with the words ,
, or in them,
which is how low my bar is.
Finally, some Gen Z
energy in this place.
For real.
You know how I had to beg
Neil to stop setting up
conference calls and use Slack.
He still calls it "Slacks."
And he calls pants "trousers,"
and what are "dungarees"?
I mean, after a certain age,
the human brain
just can't learn.
- No offense, Arpi.
- I just can't believe
you're excited that these
people are gonna come in
and tell us how to innovate.
We innovate.
This was like bringing in
a poop-throwing consultant
to teach the chimps.
This expert comes in for a month
and he's gonna be like,
"What if you threw some so
it sticks to the glass?"
Oh, thanks. We never
thought of that.
You know, I was recruited
by some consulting firms
out of law school,
but I was like, no.
I want to be a part of
American democracy... ending.
Ah, this guy is wearing
an MIT sweatshirt
with the arms cut off
and he's pulling it off.
New best friends!
- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!
- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!
- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!
- Oh!
Now this is a presentation.
Put these on.
At Impactium Consulting,
we believe in dreaming
bigger, living larger...
- What is that?
- And soaring higher.
No! Ah!
He's got me in his beak!
- Welcome, everyone.
- You can take your headsets off.
Look at...
Oh, that's amazing!
What are you doing, man?
Get up off the floor.
- I didn't...
- Hi, I'm James.
And this is the I-Team.
And we're so excited
to get started.
I hope you all enjoyed hang
gliding over Los Angeles.
Now did any of you
notice Ellen DeGeneres
smiling at the top of Runyon?
That was added digitally...
The smile, I mean.
My video was a velociraptor.
You must've pressed
the wrong button.
James, James, what are
we gonna start with?
Driverless cars?
Tacos that travel?
Come on, let's disrupt.
Absolutely, Mr. Mayor,
but we've learned that
innovation starts from within.
So the first thing we'll
do is just spend the day
shadowing the staff,
watching how you do things.
Right 'cause you've
been here for an hour,
so you'd know what
we're doing wrong.
Well, you know, we
really just want
to get a feel for the place.
Hey, man, would you mind just
standing back over there?
For example, I
would love to know
who's got you guys using Slack,
'cause that
application is garbage.
I mean, we were all just
laughing about it earlier.
Thank you. I hate Slacks.
Could we watch the video again,
so I can see the nice
one as a palate cleanser?
Would that be the
best use of your time?
Yes.
- They're gonna evaluate us?
- I warned you.
These guys are just
greasy corporate vampires.
Which in a book would be sexy.
I for one will not
be participating
in this brain suckery.
And why wouldn't they
let me stand with them?
Who do they think they are?
My college a cappella group?
You folks ready to get started?
Ms. Meskimen, this is Noah.
He'll be shadowing you.
Okay.
Let's go, Jokeshow.
My body's teeming
with creative juices.
What are we gonna
do today, James?
We are gonna move fast
and break things, sir.
Ha! I like that.
Yeah, that's catchy.
I'm gonna text that to
myself before I forget it.
Now we've got some
special things
set up for you, Mr. Mayor,
we are going to evaluate
your leadership style
by having you virtually sail a
yacht around Tierra del Fuego.
Hot damn.
And then in the afternoon,
we're gonna set up
one of those military glass
tables that shows a map of L.A.
And will that be interactive?
- You will get to draw on it.
- Yes.
So cool. I call green.
Oh, hey. James... wait a minute.
Is this my daughter or
one of your holograms?
- Dad, ow.
I'm sorry.
- Are you ready?
- We're kind of already late.
For what, honey?
You're taking me
to the DMV today
for my permit test.
Is that today?
Dad, I literally reminded
you about it this morning.
Can't you do it on your
phone or something?
No, you have to go in person.
All right, I see there's
a government office
that could use some
innovating, am I right?
- Oh, I wouldn't know, sir.
- I hoverboard everywhere.
Of course you do.
Does this absolutely
have to be done today?
I made this
appointment months ago.
And their website is black
text on a blue screen, okay?
I can't go through that again.
- I have people...
- Don't bail on me.
I went with you to your
emergency colonoscopy
after you slipped
on the Peloton.
Hey, you know, James
doesn't need to know that.
Oh, shoot. Sorry
about this, James.
I, um... I will be
back ASAP Rocky.
Dad, that is a person.
- I know that.
- I was trying something out.
How would you describe your job?
- I wouldn't, Noah.
- I'm too busy doing it.
Now try to keep up with me.
'Cause if there's one thing
you need to know about me
and how I operate, it's...
Ms. Meskimen?
There's no door back here.
Okay, so low beams in fog.
- Oh, jeez.
- Where did you come from?
A vent. I'm like a mouse.
If my skull fits, the
rest of my body fits.
Are you evading
your observer too?
No, no.
- I'm taking Orly to the DMV.
- Huh.
Dad, it says here you
can't drive on the beach
just because you're
late for golf.
Well, they've changed that then.
You know, it wouldn't
kill you, Arpi,
to engage with that I-Team kid.
It's costing us a lot of money.
That argument didn't get me
to try lobster mac and cheese.
It's not gonna work here.
What floor are you
getting off on?
I think I'll tag along with you.
You'll never find me, Noah!
Hey, do you mind
if I observe you?
That works for me,
since as chief of staff,
I technically need
to be observing you
because your work is my purview.
So yes, this is
convenient for me.
I would like you to sit, please.
Yeah, just pretend I'm not here.
Okay, and you pretend
like I'm not here.
I have a lot of work
to do, you know,
running America's largest city.
New York is America's
largest city.
Not if I do my job right.
Okay.
Is that a puffy Pusheen cat
sticker on a government laptop?
I feel like you should be
able to use context clues
to answer that yourself.
Next you'll be asking me,
"Is she sitting on a hamburger?"
Yes, James.
Pusheen is sitting
on a hamburger.
I'm a busy
professional, okay?
I don't have time to
spoon-feed you these answers.
I'm not used to people
watching me while I work.
Oh.
Crumbs in the keyboard?
Nodda so good.
Wow, that was actually a
really cool new voice, Jayden.
Okay, that's just
making the crumbs go in.
Mouth vacuum is working.
Innovation.
Wink.
Yeah, I thought about
going into consulting,
but ultimately went another way.
God bless the broken
road, you know?
Rascal Flatts.
What is your exact title?
Oh, I am the mayor's
chief strategist.
Before this, I was doing
social media for the RNC.
I was the one who got
them on Pinterest.
Before that, I worked to put
myself through Georgetown
while maintaining
a 3.8 "virginity."
- Next.
- Ugh, this is taking forever.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm missing my first
lunch with the I-Team.
They were gonna make a toast
with a bottle of champagne
that went up to space and back.
Why?
- Oh, that's it. Yeah.
- I'm gonna find a manager.
Sir, I know you're not
going to cut the line.
Arpi, I'm the mayor.
My time needs to be
used efficiently, right?
So you're saying you're more
important than this man?
What do you do, sir?
I do lighting for pornos.
Thank you for your service.
Arpi, I am sure that
my fellow Angelenos
want to see their mayor
get back to work, right?
- Boo!
- Absolutely not!
- Okay, all right. Relax.
- Oh, my God, Dad. Stop.
Get back in the
line, Slenderman!
Okay, okay.
Hey, and when is your
administration gonna do
something about non-union
hidden toilet cams?
That's taking money
out of my pocket.
.
God, this guy in the
front is taking forever.
Why is everything in
my life always so hard?
Okay, BTS performed at your
birthday, but yeah, sure.
- Next.
- Yes, it's my turn.
- Go get 'em.
- Oh, thank God.
We'll be right here.
Knock 'em dead, sweetheart.
Is there something you
need from me, Arpi?
I need you to explain to me
why you think our administration
needs outside help from
a bunch of Boss Babies.
Because if there's
anything I've learned
after a year in government,
it's that we should do
everything differently.
Hey, man, I'm your most
progressive progressive.
America Ferrera told
me to settle down
at the Women's March.
Give me a break.
- What does that mean?
- Give me a break?
You say you're progressive,
but what do you do every
time I have a cool idea?
"We tried that in '86, sir."
"They're not
fiscally sound, sir."
"How about instead
of sushi drones,
you know, we get pregnant
women healthcare?"
You are as rigid
as any Republican
I have ever yachted with.
How dare you use
yacht as a verb.
Do you think that
I'm actually proud
of that stupid bus lane?
You think I want
that as my legacy?
I'm 73 years old, Arpi. I
don't have time to waste.
Then let me help you.
I've been doing
this for 30 years.
You think these guys can
figure it out in a month?
You see, let those kids go,
and you, me,
City Council President
Kawachi, and Comptroller Pedrad
sit down and have a long,
less than $8 per person lunch
where we explain to you again
how a bill becomes a law.
Arpi, move fast
and break things.
That's how we're doing it now.
No.
No, no, no! This
cannot be happening.
- What?
- I failed my test.
But you were so well-prepared.
It's so unfair.
I mean, the question
was true or false,
you should pump your
brakes in an ice storm,
but the manual says you
do pump for regular,
but you don't pump
for antilock brakes,
which means it's true and false.
Well, how about that? Yeah.
Yeah, the test doesn't line
up with the manual, Arpi.
Yeah, and I can't retake
it for seven days.
- Of course you can't.
- Hey, way to go, government.
Yeah, nice use of
all of our time.
Am I right? Yeah.
Yeah, instead of being able
to on board our new coworkers,
we all got to sit around
and watch that guy eat
yogurt with only his tongue.
I'm not sure about spoons.
The science isn't there yet.
Perfect!
I hope we all flashback to
this day on our deathbed.
How many miles of dental floss
do you think Americans
use in a year?
Okay.
This is one of those
consultant questions
that you ask to see
my thought process.
Love this. Thank you
for the opportunity.
Let's find out.
328 million Americans,
and not counting babies,
the elderly, methheads,
and celebrities who haven't
had their veneers attached yet
so they still just have those
weird little vampire nubs.
About 40% of us have
contiguous teeth.
That's 131 million mouths.
Each container of floss
holds 12 to 18 yards.
You know I could
have been you, right?
You're not better than me.
Take me with you.
Look, I know this
process is annoying,
and obviously you're
gonna be fine.
- Oh, I know.
- But also what does that mean?
Well, part of what we do
when we start at a new place
is we look for dead weight.
You fire people?
We make recommendations
to, usually.
You know, it makes the
remaining staff feel chosen,
but also a little off-balance
in a way that
increases productivity.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, but you have
nothing to worry about.
If anyone should be nervous,
it's the guy who failed
the welcome video.
- Beep, boop, beep.
I am a government-powered robot.
Oh, no, my beard is stuck.
Please help the robot.
Of course they want
to fire Jayden.
I mean, we wanted to
fire Jayden until he...
Wait, what made us
not want to fire him?
I think he Mrs. Doubtfire-d us.
I can't remember.
It doesn't matter.
I run this place.
We do. We totally do.
And these B-school
Scott Disicks,
they don't get to
just come in here
and tell us how to do our jobs.
Hey, how's it going, buddy?
Those consultant guys can
be a little scary, right?
- No.
- I'm not scared of them at all.
In fact, I think Milo and I
are gonna be friends
with benefits
'cause his complex has a pool.
Okay, well,
something that I'm doing
to make friends with them
is I tell them every
important thing
that I do around the office.
Sometimes I even stretch
the truth a little bit
to make myself sound
more important.
Is that why you always do that?
Uh, Jayden, how many
miles of dental floss
do you think that
Americans use in a year?
- Eight.
- Don't blurt it out so fast!
Just think for a hot sec.
And maybe don't have a
blue tongue this afternoon.
It just might be too
cool for a work meeting.
No, it's always
better to be yourself.
It's like earlier when I
couldn't get the printer
to work, I let Milo see me cry
because my emotions
are most of who I am.
- He'll find a new job, right?
- Maybe Disneyland needs a LeFou.
No, we have to help him.
No, it's the
velociraptors again!
Oh, no...
Oh, I stepped on
one of their eggs!
.
So there's nothing
you can do as mayor
to get me another test?
I told everyone I could do the
driving shots for the movie
we're making in Spanish class.
It's a modern "Don Quixote"
where horses are cars.
Honey, the DMV is
run by the state,
or believe me, I would have
my new guys all over it.
- "My new guys.
- I love them so much!"
That's a cool new voice, Arpi.
I seriously can't retake
the test for seven days?
- Why?
- Who knows?
You know, there's
probably some archaic rule
from when children had to stay
home and help on the farm.
Actually, its origins
are in voter suppression,
to change it.
Oh, honey, just please
let Dan take you home.
I gotta get back in there.
The guys are gonna show
me how to make a soap dish
with a 3D printer.
Anyone can make a soap dish.
All you need is a
Leatherman Rebar
and a chunk of olive wood.
What's your point?
Anything the I-Team can
do, I can do better.
Well then, do it, Arpi.
I'm so glad these kids
have lit a fire under you.
I can't wait to see all
your sparkling achievements.
You wanna move fast
and break some things?
I'm Jayden Kwapis.
I'm the mayor's director
of communications
or "comms director,"
if you nasty.
Oof, that's his second
Janet Jackson reference.
Third. You were on the phone
when he tried to do the
"Rhythm Nation" countdown
and accidentally gave the bird.
- Oh, no.
- I can't let this happen.
Okay, Operation "Jayden
Rescue" is a go.
- Oh, no.
- Mikaela choked on her Midol.
Jayden, you're the
office Safety Marshal.
- Save her.
- Oh, okay, the Heimlich.
No, I am not allowed
to touch her.
She made that very clear.
Stop staring!
Do something, Leslie! Please!
I got it.
Oh! Oh, okay, I'm...
Okay, I'm good. I swallowed it.
Okay, we did it.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Broom-five!
Okay, uh, James,
I need to see you in
my office right now.
I don't normally hit women.
Okay.
You can go ahead
and tell the mayor
that we should fire Jayden,
but I'm not gonna
let that happen.
Fine, you can keep Jayden, but
are you also gonna fight me
on the dude with a sugar
glider in his desk?
If you mean Leslie
and Deputy Zoomer,
it's a service sugar glider.
Because it's the only thing
keeping him from killing us.
So yeah, I'm gonna fight
you on all your proposals.
Okay, well, we can't
really affect change
in a place that
refuses to change.
So what do you
suggest we do here?
I don't know, James.
Maybe do like my
last Bumble date.
I go to the bathroom. You
leave while I'm in there.
You know I was the first guy
in Bel Air to have Wi-Fi.
You'd get a disc from AOL,
and then if somebody else
wanted to use the phone,
they could not.
Arpi got me my permit.
I'm sorry. She what?
I took your request
to heart, sir.
We gotta start getting
things done around here...
Not let the bureaucracy stop us.
So I found a loophole.
You cannot take the same
permit test twice in one day,
but you can test for
another class of license.
At 16?
There's an age waiver for
agricultural families,
and technically
your Bel Air yard
is large enough to be
considered a sod farm.
I got a class A permit.
Now I can drive a
tractor trailer.
Move fast and break
things, literally.
Should I get an ice cream truck?
I love that for me!
Why don't we talk
about that at home?
Arpi, a word, please.
If this is you showing
off, it backfired.
Your boys could never
have done what I just did.
They don't know the laws,
the region's
agricultural history,
or even the vents we
took to get there.
This is still about the I-Team.
"Move fast and break things"
is a dumb T-shirt philosophy.
Experience and
caution have value.
Give them a minute to
show what they can do.
Oh, come on, Arpi.
I bet you they're
working on some stuff
you're gonna love.
Um, sir, uh, the I-Team quit.
I do love it.
.
Sir, I just felt
as chief of staff
that we did not need their
services like zoo chimps...
Absolutely not.
I already announced
it to the L.A. press.
Do you have any
idea how savagely.
"Americana at Brand
Memes" will come for me?
Oh.
- Get them back.
- Yeah, okay.
Dad, I'm in a multiple
bidder situation
on a repossessed horse van.
What's our best offer?
- Zero $0.
- What? Why?
Because you can't do this.
Just because you
found a quick fix
doesn't mean it's the right fix.
Oh.
Is Arpi smiling right now?
I think so.
It's like a drunk Grinch
trying to look sober.
All right, don't look at her.
And hand over that
permit, please.
What?
But I just watched
a long video about
how to empty the
toilet of a Winnebago.
- And someday you will.
- Hand it over.
Fine, but I'm still signing up
to be an organ donor.
Whatever.
Goodbye, Arpi.
Already in the vent, sir.
So one thing that you'll
learn about this office
is we really love pranks,
and that thing before
where I told you to leave?
Ya burnt.
You told the mayor I quit
and you got in trouble?
- Yeah, 100%.
- He's, like, in love with you.
I mean, can you blame him?
Look, we're not notopen to
change, but it's day one.
You're not firing Jayden.
Okay, I asked him where he
sees himself in five years,
and he said, "In a mirror,
unless I've become a vampire."
Okay, but not everything
that matters can be measured,
and not everything that
can be measured matters.
Okay, that sounded like
consultant nonsense,
so obviously I agree,
and I guess I can stay
because by defending
your weakest team member,
you have passed
the manager test.
- Yeah.
Okay, you're making
that up.
Am I? Guess we'll never know.
Can you believe that
eight hours ago,
we were excited about
the I-Team being here?
No, those guys are the worst.
Hey, Jayden, you
seen my daughter?
Yes. She's beautiful, sir.
What? No, no.
I meant... never mind.
Oh, there you go.
Okay, so I've decided
to forgive you
if we can get Matsuhisa tonight.
Also don't get mad at me,
but our $0 bid won
that horse van.
Ugh, fine.
But you can only drive it
up and down our driveway.
Oh, hey.
Arpi, thought a lot
about what you said.
I want you to know
you were right.
I always am. Conciliatory egg?
Yeah, why not?
There's no way the
I-Team could learn
everything you
know in six weeks,
which is why I extended
their contract to a year.
Look forward to seeing
what you guys do together.
Got a little egg on your face.
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
A year ago,
we said we were gonna tackle
L.A's traffic problems.
And today we now have completed
citywide, dedicated bus lanes.
What do we want? Bus lanes!
When do we want
them? We got 'em.
Now I could rest on my laurels,
but I'm not a
rest-on-my-laurels guy.
And I know that
like this bus lane
that currently ends in
Burbank, we can go further.
California is the innovation
capital of the world...
The iPhone, Disneyland,
the Ryan Murphy
Cinematic Universe.
These are all homegrown ideas.
So I have hand-picked a new team
of California's sharpest minds
to form the Mayor's
Office of Innovation.
Housing, jobs,
health, tourism...
Let's get innovative, L.A.
Get out of my dreams
and onto that bus.
Those passengers are
gonna be on the beach
in seven minutes.
That's too fast!
Have you sussed out these
innovation consultants yet?
Some of these guys
have necks and chins.
Oh, God. Is that
how low my bar is?
Yes, and none of them
have any old tweets
with the words ,
, or in them,
which is how low my bar is.
Finally, some Gen Z
energy in this place.
For real.
You know how I had to beg
Neil to stop setting up
conference calls and use Slack.
He still calls it "Slacks."
And he calls pants "trousers,"
and what are "dungarees"?
I mean, after a certain age,
the human brain
just can't learn.
- No offense, Arpi.
- I just can't believe
you're excited that these
people are gonna come in
and tell us how to innovate.
We innovate.
This was like bringing in
a poop-throwing consultant
to teach the chimps.
This expert comes in for a month
and he's gonna be like,
"What if you threw some so
it sticks to the glass?"
Oh, thanks. We never
thought of that.
You know, I was recruited
by some consulting firms
out of law school,
but I was like, no.
I want to be a part of
American democracy... ending.
Ah, this guy is wearing
an MIT sweatshirt
with the arms cut off
and he's pulling it off.
New best friends!
- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!
- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!
- New boyfriend!
- New best friends!
- Oh!
Now this is a presentation.
Put these on.
At Impactium Consulting,
we believe in dreaming
bigger, living larger...
- What is that?
- And soaring higher.
No! Ah!
He's got me in his beak!
- Welcome, everyone.
- You can take your headsets off.
Look at...
Oh, that's amazing!
What are you doing, man?
Get up off the floor.
- I didn't...
- Hi, I'm James.
And this is the I-Team.
And we're so excited
to get started.
I hope you all enjoyed hang
gliding over Los Angeles.
Now did any of you
notice Ellen DeGeneres
smiling at the top of Runyon?
That was added digitally...
The smile, I mean.
My video was a velociraptor.
You must've pressed
the wrong button.
James, James, what are
we gonna start with?
Driverless cars?
Tacos that travel?
Come on, let's disrupt.
Absolutely, Mr. Mayor,
but we've learned that
innovation starts from within.
So the first thing we'll
do is just spend the day
shadowing the staff,
watching how you do things.
Right 'cause you've
been here for an hour,
so you'd know what
we're doing wrong.
Well, you know, we
really just want
to get a feel for the place.
Hey, man, would you mind just
standing back over there?
For example, I
would love to know
who's got you guys using Slack,
'cause that
application is garbage.
I mean, we were all just
laughing about it earlier.
Thank you. I hate Slacks.
Could we watch the video again,
so I can see the nice
one as a palate cleanser?
Would that be the
best use of your time?
Yes.
- They're gonna evaluate us?
- I warned you.
These guys are just
greasy corporate vampires.
Which in a book would be sexy.
I for one will not
be participating
in this brain suckery.
And why wouldn't they
let me stand with them?
Who do they think they are?
My college a cappella group?
You folks ready to get started?
Ms. Meskimen, this is Noah.
He'll be shadowing you.
Okay.
Let's go, Jokeshow.
My body's teeming
with creative juices.
What are we gonna
do today, James?
We are gonna move fast
and break things, sir.
Ha! I like that.
Yeah, that's catchy.
I'm gonna text that to
myself before I forget it.
Now we've got some
special things
set up for you, Mr. Mayor,
we are going to evaluate
your leadership style
by having you virtually sail a
yacht around Tierra del Fuego.
Hot damn.
And then in the afternoon,
we're gonna set up
one of those military glass
tables that shows a map of L.A.
And will that be interactive?
- You will get to draw on it.
- Yes.
So cool. I call green.
Oh, hey. James... wait a minute.
Is this my daughter or
one of your holograms?
- Dad, ow.
I'm sorry.
- Are you ready?
- We're kind of already late.
For what, honey?
You're taking me
to the DMV today
for my permit test.
Is that today?
Dad, I literally reminded
you about it this morning.
Can't you do it on your
phone or something?
No, you have to go in person.
All right, I see there's
a government office
that could use some
innovating, am I right?
- Oh, I wouldn't know, sir.
- I hoverboard everywhere.
Of course you do.
Does this absolutely
have to be done today?
I made this
appointment months ago.
And their website is black
text on a blue screen, okay?
I can't go through that again.
- I have people...
- Don't bail on me.
I went with you to your
emergency colonoscopy
after you slipped
on the Peloton.
Hey, you know, James
doesn't need to know that.
Oh, shoot. Sorry
about this, James.
I, um... I will be
back ASAP Rocky.
Dad, that is a person.
- I know that.
- I was trying something out.
How would you describe your job?
- I wouldn't, Noah.
- I'm too busy doing it.
Now try to keep up with me.
'Cause if there's one thing
you need to know about me
and how I operate, it's...
Ms. Meskimen?
There's no door back here.
Okay, so low beams in fog.
- Oh, jeez.
- Where did you come from?
A vent. I'm like a mouse.
If my skull fits, the
rest of my body fits.
Are you evading
your observer too?
No, no.
- I'm taking Orly to the DMV.
- Huh.
Dad, it says here you
can't drive on the beach
just because you're
late for golf.
Well, they've changed that then.
You know, it wouldn't
kill you, Arpi,
to engage with that I-Team kid.
It's costing us a lot of money.
That argument didn't get me
to try lobster mac and cheese.
It's not gonna work here.
What floor are you
getting off on?
I think I'll tag along with you.
You'll never find me, Noah!
Hey, do you mind
if I observe you?
That works for me,
since as chief of staff,
I technically need
to be observing you
because your work is my purview.
So yes, this is
convenient for me.
I would like you to sit, please.
Yeah, just pretend I'm not here.
Okay, and you pretend
like I'm not here.
I have a lot of work
to do, you know,
running America's largest city.
New York is America's
largest city.
Not if I do my job right.
Okay.
Is that a puffy Pusheen cat
sticker on a government laptop?
I feel like you should be
able to use context clues
to answer that yourself.
Next you'll be asking me,
"Is she sitting on a hamburger?"
Yes, James.
Pusheen is sitting
on a hamburger.
I'm a busy
professional, okay?
I don't have time to
spoon-feed you these answers.
I'm not used to people
watching me while I work.
Oh.
Crumbs in the keyboard?
Nodda so good.
Wow, that was actually a
really cool new voice, Jayden.
Okay, that's just
making the crumbs go in.
Mouth vacuum is working.
Innovation.
Wink.
Yeah, I thought about
going into consulting,
but ultimately went another way.
God bless the broken
road, you know?
Rascal Flatts.
What is your exact title?
Oh, I am the mayor's
chief strategist.
Before this, I was doing
social media for the RNC.
I was the one who got
them on Pinterest.
Before that, I worked to put
myself through Georgetown
while maintaining
a 3.8 "virginity."
- Next.
- Ugh, this is taking forever.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
I'm missing my first
lunch with the I-Team.
They were gonna make a toast
with a bottle of champagne
that went up to space and back.
Why?
- Oh, that's it. Yeah.
- I'm gonna find a manager.
Sir, I know you're not
going to cut the line.
Arpi, I'm the mayor.
My time needs to be
used efficiently, right?
So you're saying you're more
important than this man?
What do you do, sir?
I do lighting for pornos.
Thank you for your service.
Arpi, I am sure that
my fellow Angelenos
want to see their mayor
get back to work, right?
- Boo!
- Absolutely not!
- Okay, all right. Relax.
- Oh, my God, Dad. Stop.
Get back in the
line, Slenderman!
Okay, okay.
Hey, and when is your
administration gonna do
something about non-union
hidden toilet cams?
That's taking money
out of my pocket.
.
God, this guy in the
front is taking forever.
Why is everything in
my life always so hard?
Okay, BTS performed at your
birthday, but yeah, sure.
- Next.
- Yes, it's my turn.
- Go get 'em.
- Oh, thank God.
We'll be right here.
Knock 'em dead, sweetheart.
Is there something you
need from me, Arpi?
I need you to explain to me
why you think our administration
needs outside help from
a bunch of Boss Babies.
Because if there's
anything I've learned
after a year in government,
it's that we should do
everything differently.
Hey, man, I'm your most
progressive progressive.
America Ferrera told
me to settle down
at the Women's March.
Give me a break.
- What does that mean?
- Give me a break?
You say you're progressive,
but what do you do every
time I have a cool idea?
"We tried that in '86, sir."
"They're not
fiscally sound, sir."
"How about instead
of sushi drones,
you know, we get pregnant
women healthcare?"
You are as rigid
as any Republican
I have ever yachted with.
How dare you use
yacht as a verb.
Do you think that
I'm actually proud
of that stupid bus lane?
You think I want
that as my legacy?
I'm 73 years old, Arpi. I
don't have time to waste.
Then let me help you.
I've been doing
this for 30 years.
You think these guys can
figure it out in a month?
You see, let those kids go,
and you, me,
City Council President
Kawachi, and Comptroller Pedrad
sit down and have a long,
less than $8 per person lunch
where we explain to you again
how a bill becomes a law.
Arpi, move fast
and break things.
That's how we're doing it now.
No.
No, no, no! This
cannot be happening.
- What?
- I failed my test.
But you were so well-prepared.
It's so unfair.
I mean, the question
was true or false,
you should pump your
brakes in an ice storm,
but the manual says you
do pump for regular,
but you don't pump
for antilock brakes,
which means it's true and false.
Well, how about that? Yeah.
Yeah, the test doesn't line
up with the manual, Arpi.
Yeah, and I can't retake
it for seven days.
- Of course you can't.
- Hey, way to go, government.
Yeah, nice use of
all of our time.
Am I right? Yeah.
Yeah, instead of being able
to on board our new coworkers,
we all got to sit around
and watch that guy eat
yogurt with only his tongue.
I'm not sure about spoons.
The science isn't there yet.
Perfect!
I hope we all flashback to
this day on our deathbed.
How many miles of dental floss
do you think Americans
use in a year?
Okay.
This is one of those
consultant questions
that you ask to see
my thought process.
Love this. Thank you
for the opportunity.
Let's find out.
328 million Americans,
and not counting babies,
the elderly, methheads,
and celebrities who haven't
had their veneers attached yet
so they still just have those
weird little vampire nubs.
About 40% of us have
contiguous teeth.
That's 131 million mouths.
Each container of floss
holds 12 to 18 yards.
You know I could
have been you, right?
You're not better than me.
Take me with you.
Look, I know this
process is annoying,
and obviously you're
gonna be fine.
- Oh, I know.
- But also what does that mean?
Well, part of what we do
when we start at a new place
is we look for dead weight.
You fire people?
We make recommendations
to, usually.
You know, it makes the
remaining staff feel chosen,
but also a little off-balance
in a way that
increases productivity.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, but you have
nothing to worry about.
If anyone should be nervous,
it's the guy who failed
the welcome video.
- Beep, boop, beep.
I am a government-powered robot.
Oh, no, my beard is stuck.
Please help the robot.
Of course they want
to fire Jayden.
I mean, we wanted to
fire Jayden until he...
Wait, what made us
not want to fire him?
I think he Mrs. Doubtfire-d us.
I can't remember.
It doesn't matter.
I run this place.
We do. We totally do.
And these B-school
Scott Disicks,
they don't get to
just come in here
and tell us how to do our jobs.
Hey, how's it going, buddy?
Those consultant guys can
be a little scary, right?
- No.
- I'm not scared of them at all.
In fact, I think Milo and I
are gonna be friends
with benefits
'cause his complex has a pool.
Okay, well,
something that I'm doing
to make friends with them
is I tell them every
important thing
that I do around the office.
Sometimes I even stretch
the truth a little bit
to make myself sound
more important.
Is that why you always do that?
Uh, Jayden, how many
miles of dental floss
do you think that
Americans use in a year?
- Eight.
- Don't blurt it out so fast!
Just think for a hot sec.
And maybe don't have a
blue tongue this afternoon.
It just might be too
cool for a work meeting.
No, it's always
better to be yourself.
It's like earlier when I
couldn't get the printer
to work, I let Milo see me cry
because my emotions
are most of who I am.
- He'll find a new job, right?
- Maybe Disneyland needs a LeFou.
No, we have to help him.
No, it's the
velociraptors again!
Oh, no...
Oh, I stepped on
one of their eggs!
.
So there's nothing
you can do as mayor
to get me another test?
I told everyone I could do the
driving shots for the movie
we're making in Spanish class.
It's a modern "Don Quixote"
where horses are cars.
Honey, the DMV is
run by the state,
or believe me, I would have
my new guys all over it.
- "My new guys.
- I love them so much!"
That's a cool new voice, Arpi.
I seriously can't retake
the test for seven days?
- Why?
- Who knows?
You know, there's
probably some archaic rule
from when children had to stay
home and help on the farm.
Actually, its origins
are in voter suppression,
to change it.
Oh, honey, just please
let Dan take you home.
I gotta get back in there.
The guys are gonna show
me how to make a soap dish
with a 3D printer.
Anyone can make a soap dish.
All you need is a
Leatherman Rebar
and a chunk of olive wood.
What's your point?
Anything the I-Team can
do, I can do better.
Well then, do it, Arpi.
I'm so glad these kids
have lit a fire under you.
I can't wait to see all
your sparkling achievements.
You wanna move fast
and break some things?
I'm Jayden Kwapis.
I'm the mayor's director
of communications
or "comms director,"
if you nasty.
Oof, that's his second
Janet Jackson reference.
Third. You were on the phone
when he tried to do the
"Rhythm Nation" countdown
and accidentally gave the bird.
- Oh, no.
- I can't let this happen.
Okay, Operation "Jayden
Rescue" is a go.
- Oh, no.
- Mikaela choked on her Midol.
Jayden, you're the
office Safety Marshal.
- Save her.
- Oh, okay, the Heimlich.
No, I am not allowed
to touch her.
She made that very clear.
Stop staring!
Do something, Leslie! Please!
I got it.
Oh! Oh, okay, I'm...
Okay, I'm good. I swallowed it.
Okay, we did it.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Broom-five!
Okay, uh, James,
I need to see you in
my office right now.
I don't normally hit women.
Okay.
You can go ahead
and tell the mayor
that we should fire Jayden,
but I'm not gonna
let that happen.
Fine, you can keep Jayden, but
are you also gonna fight me
on the dude with a sugar
glider in his desk?
If you mean Leslie
and Deputy Zoomer,
it's a service sugar glider.
Because it's the only thing
keeping him from killing us.
So yeah, I'm gonna fight
you on all your proposals.
Okay, well, we can't
really affect change
in a place that
refuses to change.
So what do you
suggest we do here?
I don't know, James.
Maybe do like my
last Bumble date.
I go to the bathroom. You
leave while I'm in there.
You know I was the first guy
in Bel Air to have Wi-Fi.
You'd get a disc from AOL,
and then if somebody else
wanted to use the phone,
they could not.
Arpi got me my permit.
I'm sorry. She what?
I took your request
to heart, sir.
We gotta start getting
things done around here...
Not let the bureaucracy stop us.
So I found a loophole.
You cannot take the same
permit test twice in one day,
but you can test for
another class of license.
At 16?
There's an age waiver for
agricultural families,
and technically
your Bel Air yard
is large enough to be
considered a sod farm.
I got a class A permit.
Now I can drive a
tractor trailer.
Move fast and break
things, literally.
Should I get an ice cream truck?
I love that for me!
Why don't we talk
about that at home?
Arpi, a word, please.
If this is you showing
off, it backfired.
Your boys could never
have done what I just did.
They don't know the laws,
the region's
agricultural history,
or even the vents we
took to get there.
This is still about the I-Team.
"Move fast and break things"
is a dumb T-shirt philosophy.
Experience and
caution have value.
Give them a minute to
show what they can do.
Oh, come on, Arpi.
I bet you they're
working on some stuff
you're gonna love.
Um, sir, uh, the I-Team quit.
I do love it.
.
Sir, I just felt
as chief of staff
that we did not need their
services like zoo chimps...
Absolutely not.
I already announced
it to the L.A. press.
Do you have any
idea how savagely.
"Americana at Brand
Memes" will come for me?
Oh.
- Get them back.
- Yeah, okay.
Dad, I'm in a multiple
bidder situation
on a repossessed horse van.
What's our best offer?
- Zero $0.
- What? Why?
Because you can't do this.
Just because you
found a quick fix
doesn't mean it's the right fix.
Oh.
Is Arpi smiling right now?
I think so.
It's like a drunk Grinch
trying to look sober.
All right, don't look at her.
And hand over that
permit, please.
What?
But I just watched
a long video about
how to empty the
toilet of a Winnebago.
- And someday you will.
- Hand it over.
Fine, but I'm still signing up
to be an organ donor.
Whatever.
Goodbye, Arpi.
Already in the vent, sir.
So one thing that you'll
learn about this office
is we really love pranks,
and that thing before
where I told you to leave?
Ya burnt.
You told the mayor I quit
and you got in trouble?
- Yeah, 100%.
- He's, like, in love with you.
I mean, can you blame him?
Look, we're not notopen to
change, but it's day one.
You're not firing Jayden.
Okay, I asked him where he
sees himself in five years,
and he said, "In a mirror,
unless I've become a vampire."
Okay, but not everything
that matters can be measured,
and not everything that
can be measured matters.
Okay, that sounded like
consultant nonsense,
so obviously I agree,
and I guess I can stay
because by defending
your weakest team member,
you have passed
the manager test.
- Yeah.
Okay, you're making
that up.
Am I? Guess we'll never know.
Can you believe that
eight hours ago,
we were excited about
the I-Team being here?
No, those guys are the worst.
Hey, Jayden, you
seen my daughter?
Yes. She's beautiful, sir.
What? No, no.
I meant... never mind.
Oh, there you go.
Okay, so I've decided
to forgive you
if we can get Matsuhisa tonight.
Also don't get mad at me,
but our $0 bid won
that horse van.
Ugh, fine.
But you can only drive it
up and down our driveway.
Oh, hey.
Arpi, thought a lot
about what you said.
I want you to know
you were right.
I always am. Conciliatory egg?
Yeah, why not?
There's no way the
I-Team could learn
everything you
know in six weeks,
which is why I extended
their contract to a year.
Look forward to seeing
what you guys do together.
Got a little egg on your face.
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!