Mr. Iglesias (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Summer School - full transcript

Hey, last day of summer school!
We lived, we laughed, we learned.

Some of us more than others.

Yay, we did it. We had no fun all summer.
Whoo.

You know, the next time you see me,
I'll be wearing my fall shorts.

Hey, Marisol, what are you selling?

- Reverse mortgages? Squatty Potties?
- Ay! Shh!

Yes, solar power is expensive,

but what price do you put
on saving the planet?

Oh, here comes the kill shot.

Finish him!

Yeah, well, you know who thanks me
every day for putting panels on our home?



My grandchildren.

Great! I'll have my assistant call you
to set up an appointment. Yes!

Yeah! You know, I've seen Teen Mom,
but I've never seen Teen Grandma.

Well, when I'm selling solar panels,
I've got two grandkids.

When I'm signing people up
for wrongful death lawsuits,

I'm a widow from Detroit.

And when I work at 7-Eleven,
I got a brother who's a UFC fighter

waiting in the parking lot.

All right, well,
I am excited to meet your grandkids,

- I'm so sorry for your loss,
- Thank you.

and remind me not to mess
with your brother.

Wait a minute, I love the UFC.
Can your brother hook us up with tickets?

Lorenzo...

...her brother is as real
as her grandkids.



Great, so where are we at
with these tickets?

Pay attention, fool.
Her stupid grandkids got 'em.

What?

Could this summer get any worse?

Look, I know it doesn't feel like it,

but in reality,
we are the big winners here, okay?

This is my impression of someone
who didn't have summer school.

"Oh, my God! Summer, yes!

Let's go to the beach!

Wow, sand! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

Oh, frozen banana!
Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!

Oh, let's go swimming!

Ouch!

Who lost a syringe?"

All right, everyone,
we are one oral report away

from passing summer school.

Oral.

Yeah, Walt, they said it couldn't be done,

but you did it, not once, not twice,

but ten "orals."

Ah, sorry I'm late. I was watching
that Lincoln documentary you told us to.

Lincoln was a real badass.

No president killed more vampires
than that guy.

Not that documentary,
but a very underrated film.

Yeah, the way he killed Dracula
with that ax handle. Oh!

Very presidential.

You know, in the...
in the Lincoln movie I watched, he said,

"Until every drop of blood drawn

with the lash shall be paid
by another drawn with the sword."

Second inaugural address,

Lincoln from way downtown. Bang!

Careful, Mikey.

People don't like to hear "Lincoln"
and "bang" in the same sentence.

Good job! You know, if you had brought it
like that all summer,

you wouldn't need to nail this report
on Honest Abe.

Yes, on our greatest president,

who we honor by putting
on our cheapest coin.

Is that what... Cheapest...
Amazing.

Uh...

What about you, Grace?
Are you ready for this final?

Yeah, dog.

I was born ready.

You know, being that your presentation
is on Susan B. Anthony,

it might be a good idea
to put your computer in a female voice.

This is a female voice.

Check your privilege.

You are part of the problem.

No, Grace.
I'm not part of the problem.

And by the way, this is a female voice.

"And I told him, 'Look...

I don't play, baby, okay?

If you bring that weak ass game
up in here, it is gon' get sent.'"

Oh, my God, that's a killer
Principal Madison impression.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, that's not Principal Madison.
That's... That's just some random lady.

Well, whoever it is, she's sexy as hell!

Oh, you know how to make a girl blush.

♪ Mr. Iglesias ♪

♪ Mr. Iglesias ♪

Mm-hmm.
And I told him, "Look, I don't play, baby.

You bring that weak ass game up in here,
it is gon' get sent."

I gotta go, Mom.

What's up, Paula?

Ah, Gabriel, is it true that your kids
we counseled out are suddenly passing?

Yeah, as it turns out, all they needed
was someone who cares about their future.

Yeah, what's that called again?
A... teacher.

Well, if they all pass their final,

my pilot program will be off
to a roaring start.

You know who'll really be impressed?

Um, besides you with yourself?

My friend
at the Long Beach Press-Telegram.

We'll call my program "Paula's Pals"
or "Madison's Marvels."

Ah. He's a writer, he'll figure it out.

So, tell me the good news?

Real estate flyers?
You're leaving us to sell houses?

That's good news.

No, Gabriel, proof.

The better the schools,
the higher their property value.

Once we get rid of the poor students,
our test scores go up,

and then, the equity

on my real estate portfolio goes
through the roof.

Carlos, your one-bedroom fixer
in Norwalk is not a portfolio.

So, tell me,

how many of Gabriel's underachieving kids
are we getting rid of?

Seriously, dude?
Do you feed off the tears of children?

They're full of electrolytes.

Gabe, forgive Carlos.

He's a first-time home owner.

And like a vegan with his diet,
that's all he can talk about.

My home would be worth twice its value
if I lived near Lakewood High.

Why don't you just get a house near there?

'Cause the houses there
are twice as expensive!

I know, I just like to make him get all...

Lakewood is my dream school.

Uh, I'm sorry, Carlos,

but Gabe's kids have a decent shot
at pulling this off.

When is Gabriel going to accept
that not all kids are created equal?

When you admit they bought
your life rights to do the Grinch movie.

Students fall into two categories:

those that are destined to go to college,

and those that are destined
to clean adult movie theaters.

They don't even have
adult movie theaters anymore.

Yeah, they do.

Look, my kids are gonna pass their final,

and they're gonna crush your dreams
of expelling them.

Okay, we are going to grade them
the Lakewood way.

Yay, the Lakewood way!

What's the Lakewood way?

A different teacher will be grading
Gabriel's class final,

so there's no malfeasance.

Mm-hmm.

"Malfeasance"?

Somebody's been playing
Words With Friends.

Wait, yeah, you don't have any friends.

I don't care who grades my kids
because they're all gonna pass, all right?

And the Press-Telegram is gonna do
an amazing article

on the best principal in Long Beach.

Aw, you know how to make a girl blush.

- Just grade my kids' finals.
- Mm, let me think about that.

Hard pass.

- Come on.
- Can't, bud.

- Why not?
- Don't wanna.

Ask Mr. Hayward.

Nope, not teaching summer school.

Then why are you here?

My wife is at home.

Hey, ask Abby. She loves work.

Man, Abby's an honest, moral,
upstanding citizen.

You know, not you.

Now I'm insulted.
But I'll do it for 20 bucks.

All right.

- That's my Tony. All right.
- All right.

I would've given you 40.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey!

Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.

Oh, if I was a younger man...

Then you'd know how much things
have changed in the workplace.

My fiancé, Danny, sent me these
for absolutely no reason.

Uh-oh.

What-oh?

Well, I gave a lot of flowers
for no reason,

but it was always for... the same reason.

What reason?

- Love, right, Mr. Hayward?
- Uh-huh.

Well, uh, yeah, in a way.

The love I expressed
during my regrettable peregrinations

into matters of the flesh

outside of the covenant I made
with God and Gertrude.

That means he had a side piece.

Oh, Mr. Hayward,
I am not judging you at all,

but Danny would never.

He is the most honest person
I have ever met.

Besides me.

I can't believe I almost lied
and said it was him. It's me.

And that's why I can't have her grade
the kids' finals.

Ooh! Pretty flowers.

Danny sent them to Abigail.

For no reason!

- Uh-oh.
- Seriously, what-oh?

Relax, have a seat.

Look, everyone's just jealous
of your beautiful flowers

celebrating your rock-solid
long-distance relationship.

Mm-hmm.

So, Gabe,
do I have to listen to your kids' finals,

or can I just give you the grades now?

No way.
Tony's even less ethical than Gabriel.

Well, you heard him. I'm out.

But I'm gonna need that 20.
A deal's a deal.

Mm.

Gabe, if you need someone,
I'll grade your kids.

I love those guys.

Yeah, you know what? Uh,
thank you, but you just got those flowers,

and you gotta write that thank-you letter
to Danny,

you know, and fold it
and put it in the envelope...

You're perfect, Abigail.

You're the most ethical teacher
in this school.

Stay that way,
don't let them take your sparkle.

Well, who took yours?

A sparkle pirate?

Mr. Hayward,
if you don't stop eating my stone fruit,

I will tell Gertrude I know where you are.

Abby, I appreciate
you volunteering to grade my kids' finals.

Aw, thank you for the chance
to proctor your kids' oral exams.

Ah.

Gabriel must be growing up.

When he was my student
and I said that word,

he would repeat it and snicker.

Proctor is a funny word.

Heh. Uh, Abby, I just wanted
to go over a few things with you.

A little housekeeping.
Nothing big, but, uh...

all my students need to pass.

Well, they'll pass if they pass.

And you know what'd even be more fun,
is if they pass even if they fail.

How does that work?

Abby, what do you think happens
to those kids who can't come back here?

Hmm. They go to a more appropriate school

with smaller class sizes
and more personal attention?

Yeah, they go to unicorn-iversity.

Things don't get better for the students.
They actually get worse.

They get sent to CCC.
That's the California Continuation Center.

You know, the gray building
with no windows, barbed wire?

By the train tracks.

- Oh, you mean the prison.
- Yeah.

That's CCC, aka Alcatraz High.

Yeah, where students' dreams go to die.

Abby, look, you have a big heart,

and some of my students
might need you to grade with it.

But that would be wrong.

This isn't South Dakota
where life is so black and white.

And I'm guessing mostly white.

Hey!

My town has
a very vibrant African-American community.

- Mm-hmm?
- The Hendersons live on Third Street.

Yeah.

So, are they still on Third Street?

Ah! I was wondering if you knew them.

Abby, when you've been around
as long as I have,

you'll come to understand
that life is full of gray areas.

In case some of my kids struggle,

I'm just saying, sometimes a little wrong
might lead to a greater right.

Oh, I don't know, Gabe.

That kind of thinking can be
a slippery slope.

Ah, that's my favorite kind of slope.

Whee!

Oh, my God, that iceberg lettuce
with no dressing looks awesome!

F this.

- Scooch over.
- No, thank you.

Okay.

You know, I don't know
what's gotten into Danny lately.

- He's been very lovey-dovey.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, he doesn't usually say
things like this.

You know, Abby, this is kind of "me" time.

Five eggplant emojis.

He must be hungry.

He not hungry, he thirsty.

Now he wants to do "peach emoji stuff."

They always do.

Send him a stoplight emoji.

And then, three cats and a lollipop.

No, he's allergic to cats.
How about just a happy face?

Wait a minute,

why is he sending me pictures of breasts?

Uh-oh, Abby, give me your phone.

Okay, you've gotten added
to a text chain by mistake.

Who the hell is Lindsay?

Oh, Lindsay's my friend from Bible camp.

Oh, Lord Jesus, help me.

But why is she sending me pictures
of her breasts?

Do you think she has a lump
and she's worried?

Abby, your man is creeping.

The only lump is in his pants.

My gosh.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
but what did you expect?

You know, there are only two types of men:

those who cheat,
and those who haven't been caught yet.

- Oh, God, my back's locking up.
- Oh, that's just stress.

Do not give that fool all your power.

Wow, that is a big penis.

All right, everyone,
it is time for your presentations,

so let's get ready to not mumble!

Hey, real quick, before you head out
into the hallway to wait your turn,

there's been a last-second change.

Um, Ms. Spencer's gonna be grading you.

Ooh! My ginger sister from another mister.

Yo,
last-second changes are always bad news.

Like when Jackie O said,

"Oh, it's such a sunny day out.
Let's not take the bulletproof car."

Relax, Lorenzo.

This is actually
a good last-second change.

Uh, kinda like when they gave the Oscar
to Moonlight instead of La La Land.

Uh-huh.

Come on. A white guy saving jazz.

Anyway, if there's any one person
at this school who's nicer than me,

it's Ms. Spencer.

All right. Let's get this over with.

And that's why, to honor Cesar Chavez
and Dolores Huerta,

the leaders
of the United Farm Workers movement,

I still won't eat grapes.

Sí, se puede.

Yes, you can. And...

yes, you did.

Great job, Marisol.

So promising.

I hope a man never dims your light.

Okay.

Well, speaking of dim lights,
have you ever considered solar panels?

I rent. A two bedroom
that's far too big for me now.

Overshare. All right.

All right, well, I'm outta here.

Um, Ms. Spencer, see you in the fall.

Mr. Iglesias,
see you at the drive-through.

The B in Susan B. Anthony
stands for "Brownell,"

but it should stand for "boss."

Yeah! Boo-yah!

Good job.

So, in conclusion, lone gunman?

You tell me.

You. Tell. Me!

Dude, it was crazy.

'Cause Custer was all like,
"We got this,"

and Sitting Bull was like,
"Go ahead, brah.

I'm literally sitting here
waiting for you."

But you mess with the bull,
you're gonna get the horns.

And they did mess with the Bull,
and they did get the horns.

Goodnight, Long Beach!

See what he did there?

He took historical content,
and he put it into a modern language.

You are clutch, brah.

Game recognizes game.

What's the matter, Abby? You okay?

My back is killing me.

How many more kids are there?

Uh, just Mikey. He's my closer.
Let me just tell you right now,

this kid knows more about Abraham Lincoln
than Mary Todd.

That's who Lincoln was married to.

I know, Gabe, I'm a history teacher.

And I'm sure the Lincolns were very happy.

Not the word that comes to mind.

Whoo!

Hope you enjoyed the warm-up acts
because the headliner is here.

Hey, Abby? Abby,
seventh-inning stretch is over. Come on.

All right, Mikey, let's do this.

Do what?

Your oral report.

Uh...

You okay, buddy?

She just did the whole sexy teacher thing

with her hair, and glasses,
and everything.

Okay. Focus, okay? Eyes on the prize.

Not... Not... Not that prize.

Look, you got this.
Lights, camera, knowledge, go.

Uh... uh...

Abraham Lincoln suffered a lot of loss
in his life.

- His son Willy died...
- ...in the White House...

Um... The...
The lead singer of Linkin Park also died.

Matthew McConaughey,
that's who drives a Lincoln.

Time out. Time out. Come on.

Come on. Dude, dude. Dude. Relax, okay?

You need to take everything that's up here
and make it come out here.

Okay? And listen.

Forget about what's happening down here.

Uh...

Log cabin.

Kentucky?

Abraham Simpson,
the 16th president of the United Nations.

Oh, God, I'm going to CCC.

Mikey! Mikey!

Abby, look, Mikey knows his stuff,
it's just...

Like Abraham Lincoln,
he died during a performance.

Abby, Abby, wait. Abby! Abby!

Look, I... I know Mikey messed up, but...

remember when I was asking you
to grade from the heart?

Oh, Gabe.

You don't want me grading from my cold,
dead heart today.

Look, you can't send Mikey
to Alcatraz High.

They'll use him as a shiv!

Don't worry. I can lie.

Men do it all the time.

And now women can too.

Equality, am I right?

Read 'em and weep.

I wanna record the look on your face
when you see that...

♪ All my kids passed ♪

♪ All passed, they all passed ♪

Marisol, 98.

Makes sense, all right.

Grace, 87. Weirdo, but that sounds right.

Walt, 75, perfectly average.

Mikey, 85!

- Hmm?
- Seriously?

That kid's IQ isn't 85.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Abby, you're white. You can do anything.

I cheated! I don't have integrity,
and it feels terrible.

♪ No need to confess ♪

♪ No need ♪

Abby, what did you do?

I knew it. Mikey's dumb as dookie.

I'm a cheater, just like Danny.

No, you're not.
At least he tried to hide it.

And believe me,
I know why she's gonna miss him.

Well, I guess Mikey Gutierrez
is CCC's problem now.

Look on the bright side,
you'll still be able to say hi to him

when you take your VW to get washed...

once a semester.

That's right, I'm the one who wrote,
"Wash me." A-boom!

Gabe, you should be proud of yourself.

You passed 95% of your kids.

I know, but they all deserve to pass.

Look, Mikey knows his stuff,
he was just... uh...

distracted.
It didn't come out of his mouth.

Well, whose fault is that?

'Cause she was honest enough
to admit that she cheated?

No, look at her.

Now, look at her through the eyes
of a 15-year-old.

Oh. Mrs. Hendrix.

Tenth grade teacher.

Drove me crazy.

Big nose, the smallest lips.

Long arms.

Huh. Sounds like a handsome woman.

And a shot blocker.

Look, Mikey was distracted.
Just give him another chance.

Okay. Just so no one can say
that he failed for any other reason

besides the fact
that he's not very bright,

we'll grant him a retest,
which I will oversee.

That's great. You won't regret this.

Actually, you're rooting against him.

You will totally regret this.

A-boom!

Hey, Mikey. I need to talk to you.

Sorry I let you down, Mr. Iglesias.

You didn't let me down.

You know,
you were right about Linkin Park,

and Matthew McConaughey
does drive a Lincoln.

I just need you to build on that

and find a way to apply it
to Abraham Lincoln.

- What are you talking about?
- I got you a retest.

Oh, it's okay, I... I'm a legacy at CCC.

My cousin Spider,
he said he'd have my back in the yard.

Look, I need for you to do Hernandez
what I did to Mr. Chandler.

Who's Mr. Chandler?

A teacher who didn't think
I was good enough.

Man,
I just wanted to kick him in the nuts.

- Did you?
- Sort of. By getting an A in his class.

So, if I pass,

it'll be like I'm kicking Hernandez
in the nuts.

Exactly. So kick hard.

- Let's do this.
- Come on.

"To achieve and cherish
a just and lasting peace,

among ourselves and with all nations."

Gabe, I can't see.

And if you can't see him,
he can't see you.

And thus concludes Abraham Lincoln's
second inaugural address.

Yeah, right in the huevos.

Nicely done, Mr. Gutierrez.

You know what? I did cheat.

I cheated this kid
out of an extra ten points.

He deserves a 95.

For rote memorization? A 70 at best.

Excuse me, I'm not done.

Uh... Uh, 70's good, 70 is good.

Seventy is good. He's, you know...
He could be done.

- When Abraham Lincoln was a young man...
- He's not done.

...he said,
"Someday, I shall be president."

Dear God,
I hope he doesn't wanna be president.

He'd be a big improvement.

And I have a teacher who helps me believe

that I can grow up to be
whatever I wanna be.

And if you have one person
who believes in you,

that's enough to have success.

Why? Because you don't wanna
disappoint them.

He's talking about me.

You know, Lincoln also said,
"Whatever you are, you be a good one."

Well, right now,
I'm a Wilson High student,

and I'm trying to be a good one.

And you can keep trying in the fall.

Damn it!

You live to fight another day,
Mr. Iglesias,

but I will make this an elite 100 school
by any means necessary.

I know that quote.

Civil rights activist Malcolm Ten.

What?

Wakanda forever.

You guys,
I was so inspired by Mikey today,

I've been wondering...

does Danny deserve a second chance too?

No.

Really?

- No.
- Uh-uh.

- Thanks, Katie. Abby, you gotta move on.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, the best way to get over someone
is to get under someone else.

Who said that? Was that Maya Angelou?

Nope. Someone just as wise:
MC Humpty Hump. Hm.

Hey,
there's lot to be said for rebound sex.

And I'm guessing a guy your size
doesn't get a lot of rebounds.

You'd be surprised
how many boards I grab after last call.

Abby, stick with me.
I'll take care of you.

Really? I could use the guidance
of a strong, mature woman.

Okay. Lesson number one:

Even Cicely Tyson doesn't like
to be called mature.

This is what we'll do.

You tell me where Lindsay works,

and we'll send those titty pics
to her boss.

Then, we get the last four of her social.

There are 500 ways
I could ruin that ho's life.

I got you, girl.

- Hey, man, somebody better call Danny.
- Yep.