Mr. Iglesias (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Full Hearts, Clear Backpacks - full transcript

All right, gang,
I'd ask you how your summer was,

but since we spent it together,
I know it was awesome.

It's like we never left.

Whoa! You know, maybe we never did.

The gum I put under here is still soft.

And minty!

Disgusting, and yet not at all surprising.

You guys did such a great job
in summer school,

it gave me an idea.

I want our class to represent the school
in this year's academic decathlon

- at the end of the semester.
- That's what the honors students do.



Yeah. Well, you could challenge them,
and you could beat them.

Who's in?

Nice one, Grace.
I see you downloaded the Heckler app.

Look, in all seriousness, you guys,

you could do this if you really wanted to.

Exactly. If we wanted to.

We know you want us to thrive,
Mr. Iglesias,

- but we're happy just getting by.
- Mm-hmm.

You should put that on a T-shirt, Walt.

Academic decathlon, Mr. Iglesias?

That's a rich kid thing.

They have tutors.
Their tutors have tutors.

They live in two-story Tudors
with two-car garages,

and get this, two parents.



What?

Look, I'm gonna take your zero interest
as a hard maybe.

Good morning, Mr. Iglesias. Students.

Speaking of hard maybe.

I come bearing gifts, and by gifts,
I mean new rules.

Oh!

There is nothing like the look
on a kid's face on Christmas morning.

"Look, Mommy! Look what's in my stocking!

A new rule!"

I pitched Principal Madison the idea
of creating a new position:

school security czar.

Let me guess,

you've nominated
someone completely unqualified:

yourself.

Precisely, and if all goes smoothly,

Principal Madison will allow me to place
that position on my business card.

Uh, what's a business card?

Something you'll probably never have.

Something no one under 40 will ever have.

Nevertheless, say hello to the linchpin
of my security initiative.

Clear backpacks?
What are you, Gwen Stefani?

I ain't no hollaback girl.

From now on, all students are to use these
so that contraband can be easily spotted.

I thought plastic bags were outlawed
in California.

This is an injustice.
It's clearly unconstitutional.

Yeah, clear... Oh, I get it.

That's adorable.

Mr. Iglesias probably taught you
that you have rights. You don't.

You're students.

Thanks for the visit, Bad Santa.

Well, looks like Big Brother's here.

I'mma pour one out for my privacy.

What is this,
part of Border Patrol's fall collection?

These backpacks will definitely make it
easier for them to check our papers.

Wait, there's a paper due?

It's the first day!

I need an extension.

Look, if you guys hate these backpacks,
then you need to let your voices be heard.

This country's foundation
was built on protests.

Can anyone give me an example?

I can.

The Montgomery Bus Boycott
launched the civil rights movement.

I got one. Boston Tea Party
launched the American Revolution.

And my sweet moves launched
a Dance Dance Revolution.

Yeah, and that revolution
is still going strong.

- Oh, damn straight it is.
- Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Mm!

Okay, you guys heard Hernandez.

He wants things to run smoothly.

So let's do everything in our power
to make sure things don't run smoothly.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Maybe.

You know, as a teacher,

I probably shouldn't encourage
civil unrest,

but in America,
if you don't like the rules, you protest.

And the worst thing they can do
is make sure

you never play
professional football again.

♪ Mr. Iglesias ♪

♪ Mr. Iglesias ♪

You know, this is...
this is my 47th first day of school.

Oh, we know.

That 1971 yearbook
gets passed around quite a bit.

Yeah, your afro blocked out
half the faculty.

Yeah.

Yeah, that 'fro was a chick magnet.

And a police magnet.

Who else was so excited about today,
they stayed up all night baking?

I'm guessing just you,
but I've never been mad at a cookie.

Someone's in a good mood.
You must be getting over Danny.

Ugh. Danny.
I hope the seat falls off his bicycle,

and he doesn't notice,
and he sits right on it

- and that pole goes...
- Hey, hey, hey! Hey.

We get it, you're not over Danny.

The worst part is I can't afford
the two bedroom I found for both of us.

Now I have to move.

Really? Sounds like you need a strong man.

With a truck.

Sounds like the beginning
of every Dateline episode.

Thanks, Tony,
but I still have to find a place.

I'm looking at an apartment tonight
I found on Craigslist.

And that sounds like the end
of every Dateline episode.

Ooh! I like this lighting.

First day photos, get my good side.

Who am I kidding?
All my sides are good, come on.

- All right. Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Yeah. Work it, girl.

- Uh, uh, uh!
- Oh!

- Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan.
- What? Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan!

Yeah.

- You are quinceañera ready, girl.
- Oh, thank you.

All right, listen up.

Everybody's gotta bring their A-game

because Mama needs to be the principal
of an elite 100 school.

- I'll go get my things.
- Tony.

You're an honors teacher now.
You're gonna be part of the solution.

Yeah, bro. It's a bit of an adjustment,
but you got this.

So that's why you have your guard dog
handing out clear backpacks.

Yep, and if he pulls this one off,
he's got a lot of other ideas.

You know, for such an insecure man,

he sure has a lot of thoughts
about security.

Clear backpacks.

Yeah, that should solve
the educational crisis in America.

Good. Good, looking good.

Hey, check it out, Tony.
It's a peeping Carlos.

The only guy too unlikable
to work for airport security.

Books, good. Calculator, good.

Hernandez, bad.

Hey, bro, is it just me
or does he look like Los Defensores?

- He does.
- Right?

Dos-dos-dos-dos-dos-dos-dos.

Bro, I was thinking about what Abby said.

And I know you have that empty unit
in your building...

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Absolutely not, man.
I know what you're thinking.

- What am I thinking?
- That you'll come and hang out with Abby

by pretending to hang out with me.

- Wow, you get me.
- Uh-huh!

Come on, bro.
She needs a new place. Why not?

Because, man, after a long day at work,

the last person
I wanna see is a coworker.

But it won't be just her.
I'll be there too.

Aw!
That makes it even better.

Seriously, bro,

you're gonna turn my living room
into the faculty lounge.

I need my alone time!

Great. You go out,
then it'll just be me and her.

I'm gonna need your Netflix password.

Yeah. That's what the ladies don't love,
is "stolen cable and chill."

Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go!

Have got to go.

Wow, what've we got here? A protest.

Ah, did you guys come up with this
all on your own?

We're just basically doing
what you told us to do.

- Viva Iglesias!
- Viva Iglesias!

Hey, no, no, no.
Totally uninvolved Iglesias.

If anybody asks, I wasn't involved either.

And if they come to put microchips in us,
I'm ghost.

Relax, Lorenzo. I think
you're good. Really quick, you guys.

I just gotta
tell you how proud I am of all of you.

You're not just learning history,
you're living it.

Even Walt!

I need a moment.

We're standing up for our beliefs.

And also missing geometry. Win-win!

Hey-hey, ho-ho,
clear backpacks got to go!

Have got to go.

Mr. Iglesias, did you put them up to this?

If I did,
it was by teaching them American history.

Very well, apparently.

I don't wanna toot my own horn,
but, uh, toot-toot!

Not only are your students
violating the clear backpack ordinance,

they're blocking an exit!

Yeah, I don't love navigating
a teenage mosh pit

to get back to my office.

Well, I'm not an English teacher,

but this does not look like
the definition of "running smoothly."

They don't like the clear backpacks,
that's how you know it's a good idea.

You know what's even a better idea?

Back to class!

Yes, ma'am.

No, we're not giving up without a fight.

Yes, ma'am.

"Hasta la victoria siempre," Che Guevara.

Uh, "Give me liberty or give me death,"
Patrick Henry.

"I shot the sheriff," Bob Marley.

Go, Raiders!

Lil' Puppet!

Nice sign, Miss Fuentes.

I think it's pretty good
for a crappy library printer.

By the way, we're out of toner.

Che Guevara may look good
on a protest sign or a hippie's T-shirt,

but as a Cuban-American, I promise you,

he was as misguided as you are.

Pay no attention to him, he's just mad
'cause he can't rock a beret.

Both of you, my office, now.

Back to class!

Hey, you guys, I think we got 'em
right where we want 'em, okay?

Let's keep this going.

Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go!

Carlos, I cannot have Brokechella
camping out in front of my office.

They won't.
The fire hose reaches the bullpen.

I measured.

Let me rephrase.

If you don't take care of this
right quick,

you'll have 1,000 business cards
that make no sense.

Just out of curiosity,
who do you give your business cards to?

I'll have you know I was picked twice
out of Denny's free-lunch fishbowl.

When you sold me on your jackass plan,
you didn't tell me a protest came with it.

These kids already have
one unexcused absence today.

If they miss two more classes,
I'm suspending them.

You can't do that to them
on the first day of school.

They'll fall behind.

Yeah, and if they fall far enough behind
the rest of the herd,

I can pick them off, one by one.

They're students, not boogers.

My backpack, my choice!
My backpack, my choice!

And one step closer to suspension
in five, four, three, two...

Hold up, stop the clock.

It's time for class.

Well, look who it is, the Pep Boys.

Manny, Moe, and Jack-in-the-box.

Mr. Gomez, Mr. Trujillo,
what are you guys doing here?

We're helping Mr. Iglesias.

- Why?
- Because we like him!

And we're kinda "meh" on you.

And pretty much anywhere
these brilliant teachers go

becomes a classroom.

So now you can't mark them absent.

Uh, don't mark me anything.

I don't wanna be on the list.
That's how they get ya.

Who's "they"?

Nice try.

Very clever, Mr. Iglesias.

You've bought them more time,
but I have not yet begun to fight.

I imagine when you do, there'll be
a lot of clawing, scratching, and crying.

Precisely.

Okay, kids,
who here can say "photosynthesis"?

Not me.

Best part of this protest was
missing class. I'm out.

Well, let's be honest.

Walt lasted a lot longer
than we thought he would.

Photosynthesis.

I am so excited
to move into Gabe's building.

Are you sure he's cool with it?

Are you kidding? It was his idea.

Oh!

I'll have to find a way to thank him.

It was kinda my idea first.

And it won't go unrewarded, with scones!

- Scones?
- Yes!

That way, you'll be in the friend-scone.

Well, I am buttery and delicious.

Okay, I just saved my protestors
an unexcused absence.

Thanks, Gabe.

Oh, well, don't thank me yet.
You know, we still have a standoff.

No, I'm so excited
about this next chapter in our lives.

What do you mean "chapter"?
What are you talking about?

Abby's taking you up on your offer.

We're gonna be next-door neighbors!

That's great.

It sure is!

What did you do, bro?

Bro, listen,

if all goes according to my plan
with Abby,

we won't be bothering you much.

What plan?

Look...

- I offer her my truck to move...
- Okay.

...she sees these Aztec pythons
in a tank top...

Mm-hmm?

...little flex while carrying her stuff,

she falls in love,
we're out the friend zone,

driving up the coast to Montecito.

Yeah. Despacito, Montecito.

Hey, guys. We're standing strong
in hour three at Wilson High

on behalf of every student in America.

Three of whom are watching. No, two.

Now it's just me.

Hey, man, what... what are you doing?

Have you never heard
of facial recognition software?

You just uploaded my image
to the black helicopters in the sky.

Oh, my God!

Well, damn.

I lost signal.

Looking for this?

No. Why, what is it?

It's the router.

I'm sure you're wondering,
"Why, oh, why is there no Wi-Fi?"

No, you can't do that.

The Internet is my best friend.

Then I guess you should know,

the Internet is seeing other people.
A-boom!

What's the matter?

Cat got your keyboard? A-boom!

Mr. Hernandez!

Yo, what's happening?
She's... She's talking.

Shh! Let her go.

I used to have that haircut.

Then my mom got a job.

Excuse me?

Did I stutter?

Wow, Grace.

You should talk in public more often.
You're great at it.

A-boom!

Dang, Mr. Hernandez.

Your meanness
cured Grace's social anxiety.

And my meanness can ban the Fortnite club.

- You wouldn't do that.
- Try me.

I just killed Grace's best friend.

Sorry, Marisol. It's not worth the risk.
Don't think less of me?

Believe me, I couldn't.

Thank you.

I've never seen Mikey so scared before.

Let me guess,
you threatened to ban Fortnite club.

Marisol, it's over.

A one-person protest is just loitering.

Well, that dance craze is over.

Um, no, it's not. People still dub.

It's actually, uh, "dab."
And that explains... that.

Tell me what democracy looks like!
This is what democracy looks like!

Oh, Carlos.

It looks like you didn't do
what I told you to do

and end this protest.

Close, but no security czar.

Maybe next year.

That means never.

Paula, seriously?
It's just Marisol, it's one, it's...

Okay, look,

the backpacks are non-refundable.

- Can we just keep those, please?
- Fine.

But this is the last
of your dumbass ideas.

Okay, what about no locks on the lockers?

I'll think about it during Zumba.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Alejandro is teaching.
I will not be thinking about school.

Marisol, you won! You did it!

What are you talking about?
We still have to wear these.

So? You have nothing to hide.
They're not so bad.

No, you don't get it.

It's not just about a clear backpack,
Mr. Iglesias, it's what it represents.

Yeah, I know.

What does it represent?

It's the presumption of guilt.

Do you think kids
at rich schools have to wear these? No.

Because their school trusts them.

Right. And our school is saying,

"Hey, we know
you're just minding your own business,

but, uh...
...do you live in this neighborhood?"

Yeah, exactly.

You know, living your whole life
with everyone thinking

you're always about to do something wrong
takes a toll.

But what does it matter?
I'm the only one left.

No.

No, you're not.

You got me.

- Walt?
- Mm-hmm.

Every great relationship started
as friends.

Ross and Rachel,

Chandler and Monica,

Tom Selleck and one of them.

Abby and... somebody other than you.

She is no match for my Latino heat.

She's no match for you, that's for sure.

Yo, Abby.

Since you're gonna be moving,

thought maybe you might need
a strong pair of arms to help you.

And I thought maybe afterwards, you know,

- we can go hang...
- Aw, Tony,

you know what I love about you?

You are so genuine.

It's nice to have a supportive male friend
with no ulterior motive.

That's right.

Just a helpful friend,

looking to do nothing but platonic things
to you... I mean, with you.

You're amazing.
I'll leave the key under the mat.

Wait... Wait, what, what?

All my boxes are labeled,
and there are a lot of them.

So, lift with your legs,
and I'll see you when I get back.

Back? Back from where?

Oh, I'm going to Joshua Tree
to take a sound bath in the Integratron.

That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.

I am so excited to meditate

to see if I can get the universe
to send better things my way.

It already has!

Thank you, universe, for sending me
such a strong, sincere friend

who clearly picks up on signals.

Oh, and you'll need the key
to my storage locker.

That's where my piano is.

How long do you think we'll have
to be out here before they give in?

I don't know.

The pipeline protest
at Standing Rock lasted ten months.

- At least they stopped it, right?
- Oh, no, it's up and running.

But don't worry,
you and I will figure out a way

to get Carlos to give in on the backpacks.

How? You have any ideas?

No, but I know somebody who could help.

A very wise man
who never checks his text messages.

Uh, just because I don't respond

don't mean I'm not reading
your 15 damn text messages.

We're still protesting
the clear backpacks.

Hey, love a good protest.

Keeps my blood to pumping.

Well, I wouldn't call this a good protest,
Mr. Hayward. It's just the two of us.

Well, a protest doesn't derive its power
from numbers,

it gets it from the worthiness
of its cause.

You know, a very wise young lady taught me

that these backpacks represent
a presumption of guilt.

Yeah. Some kids get to enjoy
a presumption of innocence.

Ah, that sounds fun.

Yeah.

Stays with them from high school
all into college.

Sometimes, all the way
to the Supreme Court.

Well, how do we convince Hernandez
that we deserve presumption of innocence?

Well, a protest is really
just a negoti... ation.

- What is this?
- Oh, that's hers.

You win when you find
your opponent's Achilles' heel.

And when he goes to protect that,
you break his arm.

He misses the '60s.

All right, well,
I'm gonna say hello to my little friend.

Principal Hernandez.

No.
I won't hold for the governor.

Tell...

Trying out the big girl chair, huh?

It's only a matter of time.

I know you think you've won,

but when Paula sees the effectiveness
of these backpacks,

she'll want to implement
my entire program.

Look, Carlos, you clearly don't understand
what it's like

for a first-generation Latina
growing up in this country.

I've seen Selena.

Twice.

Look, these kids live with a lot of fear,

so presumption of guilt
kinda triggers them.

But I'm sure you wouldn't know anything
about that growing up in... uh, Cuba.

Are you kidding me?

Presumption of guilt is in my DNA.

In Cuba, El Comité would just waltz
into your house

to see
if you were following Castro's rules.

And I'm sure those rules were
perfectly reasonable, right?

What? No.They would just walk in,
take whatever they wanted.

My father had to swallow his pride...
and my mother's wedding ring.

It took us a damn week
to get that ring back.

We all took shifts looking for it.

Sweet story.

So, basically, growing up
in Castro's Cuba was a lot like living

in a clear backpack.

Iglesias, no, no, no, no, no.
This is completely different.

I am doing this for the security
of everybody.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
that's what Fidel said to Che, you know.

Oye, coño,
we take away their rights,

we keep them safe.

By the way, do I have a platanito
in my beard?

So, I'm the Comité in this story?

If the shoe fits, coño.

You must feel terrible.

I'm gonna leave you alone
with your conflicted thoughts.

Now, of course, when we were marching,
we didn't have Fitbits.

No, we had to count our own damn steps.

- How'd it go?
- We'll know soon.

Well, the day's over.
You must have somewhere to be.

Actually, no.
We're thinking about upping our demands.

Taco Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Carlos, are you gonna get these fools
out of my bullpen?

No. Um, I've changed my mind.
I'm... I'm with them now.

What the hell do you mean?

Sounds like he's joining our protest.

You don't have to join the protest, dummy.

You can just call off
the whole backpack thing.

I know. It's my first protest.

I just wanna know what it feels like
to be on the right side.

Can we do a... chant?

Sure.

Huh?

- Oh...
- Um...

Hey-hey, ho-ho, clear backpacks got to go!

Hey, get together
for the yearbook picture.

So, while I was fighting
for my kids' rights to privacy,

you were fighting to take mine away.

- Thanks, bro.
- Anytime, buddy.

- I still can't believe you did this to me.
- To you?

- I did all the heavy lifting.
- I was the one under the piano!

The hard part's over,
and now you have an awesome neighbor.

Yeah, a super friendly neighbor
who I also work with.

Dude, I'd rather live next door
to a serial killer.

At least they keep to themselves.

I'm sure you'll barely know she's there.

Who doesn't love the piano?

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to get me
to start drinking again.

No way, bro. I would never do that.

But let me know when Cool Gabe comes back.

Hey, Gabe-bor.

When it comes to chimes, shells or bells?

Bro, please do something about this.

I like shells, personally.