Mr. Iglesias (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Some Children Left Behind - full transcript

All right, it's the last day of school.
We got five minutes to go over

all of American history.

Wiped out the indigenous people,
oppressed the blacks,

did some good stuff around World War II,
and now the sun is setting on our empire.

Yeah, I guess we did cover it all.

Yeah, and even some stuff
that didn't happen.

- Like... landing on the moon.
- Come on!

I really gotta get you off Reddit,
Lorenzo.

All right, I see everybody gazing,
looking out the window,

ready to go full Braveheart on everyone.

"They might take our lives,



but they'll never take our freedom!"

Sorry, Ms. Thompson!

I didn't mean to scare you!

Oh, that's not gonna end well.

Of course,
England did take Scotland's freedom,

and they've had it for over 700 years.

Don't tell Mel Gibson.

Wait, Mel Gibson lost?

Yeah, it was kind of the beginning
of a long losing streak for him.

All right, bonus points.

What did America have
that Scotland didn't have,

besides men who wear pants?

This is coming from a guy wearing shorts.

I got this. Weapons.



Seriously, Walt? You...
You think the Scots got to the battlefield

and were like,

"Hey, Angus,
is there something we're forgetting?"

"Oh, no, I got my charger
and my Bluetooth speakers."

"What're we forgetting?"

"Weapons!"

America was basically a castle
with a 3,000-mile moat.

It's called the Atlantic Ocean.

Ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding! Marisol is right once again!

Oh! You're always right.
You're worse than my ex.

All right, look, you guys.

It took the British two months
to sail food

all the way across to here, all right?

They could've just called Domino's.

Ooh! I'll split a Meatlovers.

My man.

Okay, lightning round.

Who remembers the Monroe Doctrine?

Anyone else?

Go ahead.

In 1823, James Monroe declared
any intervention by external powers

in the politics of the Americas
a hostile act.

So smart.

James Monroe!

Yeah, Mikey, real smart.

Okay, now, while Monroe
is best remembered for his doctrine,

I think he really should be remembered

as the first president
with enough courage to say,

"Enough with the powdered wigs."

I mean, seriously. Aside from RuPaul,
who thought this was a good look?

Our country was founded
by a bunch of dudes

who woke up every morning
asking their wives,

"M'lady, have you seen my wig?

I... I can't seem to find...
And my powder, I cannot find my powder!

Where is my powder?"

Anyway, we went 200 years

without such a bizarre hairstyle again.

Until now.

We went from powdered wigs
to one wig dipped in Cheeto dust.

♪ Mr. Iglesias ♪

♪ Mr. Iglesias ♪

At ease, y'all.

Oh, hey.

Mr. Iglesias is the cool teacher.

Why can't I be the cool principal, hmm?

- That's not a real question!
- Oh!

Hold on! Hold on!

Before you run off
and ghost ride your whips,

play dominoes on your stoop,
drink your sizzurp...

What is this old beat talking about?

I want you to tell me something
you learned this year.

Grace, you wanna make me look good
in front of Principal Madison?

Grace talks in front of people now?
I thought she had social anxiety.

Uh, she does, but she learned how to talk
using the computer.

She's still a little shy, though.

I learned
that Principal Madison sometimes cries

in the parking lot in her Ford Fiesta.

Not shy enough.

And for the record,
it is a Hyundai Elantra.

And for the record,
Grace's Wi-Fi just went bye-bye.

Gabe, I will see you in my office
at 11:15.

And some of you, I will see next year.

- Hey, wait, what do you mean, "some"?
- We just became sophomores!

Yup! Yup! PE requirements, done!

Everybody have a good summer!

Stay outta trouble!

Don't get caught!

Can I talk to you, Mr. Iglesias?

Being that I'm the only person
you speak to out loud, I have to say yes.

I... I wanted to warn you,

Paula's probably a little cranky.

She hasn't been getting a lot of pokes
on her dating app,

if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean,
but do you know what you mean?

Grace, we talked about
your hacking problem.

How about you?
Are you on any dating sites?

Uh...

I, uh... Just one.

It's called, uh, "taking time to reflect
on my personal mistakes...

dot com."

Have a good summer!

Oh, this is sick!

- 1962 VW Bus. Hippie not included.
- Ah!

You can put it on your dashboard
for your summer trip.

Oh, thank you. Dashboard?
What do you mean, dashboard?

No,
I'm putting this in a safety-deposit box.

You know,
this is officially the nicest thing I own.

God, I hope you're kidding.

But you deserve it.
Thanks for a great year, Mr. Iglesias.

This is cool!

"Hey, come on, man, let's go!"

"I'm hungry."
"Well, let's go to Chipotle!"

"Hey, you know
that's not real Mexican food."

"I don't care, I'm high."

- Tony!
- Hey, bro.

Dude, were you just stealing
out of the basket?

No.

Come on, man. This is the GoFundMe
for Mr. Hayward's new hip.

I had another bad year at the track.

Oh, big surprise.

You know who doesn't have a bad year
at the track?

The track.

Well,
you know what they say about gambling.

"Just keep trying."

Eh, sounds like your dating life.

Yeah, well, anyway,

my losing streak...
means I gotta teach summer school.

That freakin' sucks, man.

I wish you could go with me
on this road trip.

Yeah, man, it'd be like Thelma & Luis.

Ah, there she is. Rookie of the year.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Come on, Abby,
you're the only new teacher this year.

If you don't win, that's just sad.

But I can be
the strong-but-tender shoulder

for you to cry on.

Ooh! Now I really wanna win.

So, are you excited
for your road trip, Gabe?

Yeah.

My bus is all gassed up,

got my '90s Spotify playlist ready
with a lot of R&B.

Yeah.

♪ I would never find another lover ♪

♪ Sweeter than you
Sweeter than you ♪

♪ And I would never find another lover ♪

♪ More precious than you
More precious than you ♪

You guys are adorable.

- Yeah, well...
- Yeah.

You know who's gonna love you? My fiancé.

Ah, "fiancé," man. Yeah, that's French
for "don't put your fry in her ketchup."

- Abby? Nobody's told you?
- Hmm? What?

No relationship survives
moving to California.

No. You gotta find that special someone...

- here.
- Oh.

I hate to agree with him on this one,
but yeah.

You know those things you found charming
back in South Dakota?

Ah, they just won't measure up here

- in the big leagues.
- Uh-uh.

Oh! So, you two are the big leagues?

Yup.

Us and Ryan Gosling.

Hey, Mr. Hayward!

Gabriel. When are you going to start
calling me Ray?

What would've happened
if we called you Ray

- when you were our teacher?
- I would've whipped your asses.

Hey! Hey,
who's been dipping in my hip money?

You know,
my grandmother had a hip replacement.

Yeah? How's she doing?

Oh, she only used it for a month, so...
we got most of our money back.

Hey, you got another year left in you,
Mr. Hayward?

The only way I can get out of here
without a goddamn party in my honor

is on a gurney with a sheet over my head.

- Great, have a nice summer!
- Yeah, yeah.

♪ And all my life ♪

♪ I prayed for someone like you ♪

♪ And I thank God ♪

♪ That I finally found you ♪

♪ All my life ♪

Don't look at me, boo.

♪ I prayed for someone like you ♪

I gotta get a date.

- Do you have any brothers?
- Two. But they're married.

Not to each other, that would be weird.

Well, marriage is not necessarily
a deal-breaker.

Sneaking around can be an aphrodisiac.

So is honest communication
with your partner.

Ah, the history department.

Ms. Spencer, an outstanding teacher.

Aw!

Gabe and Tony,

also teachers.

Aw!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some letters to deliver.

You'd fit right in as a mailman.

Dogs already don't like you.

Captain Tennille, my Bichon Frise,
would beg to differ.

Did you rescue him?

No, he rescued me.

So, Helen Stone is taking early retirement
this year,

and one of you will be getting
her honor students section this fall.

I'll do it.

I can have a syllabus ready
by the end of lunch.

And Gabe drives a silly-bus.

Well, I guess that eliminates Tony.

Not yet.

All three of you take your lunch hour
and come up with a mission statement

as to why I should pick you,

and I'll make my decision
at the end of the day.

You know what I like doing
on my lunch hour? Lunch.

We all know you're gonna go with Abby
to teach the honor students.

Aw!

Well, I like to think

that all of our students
are honors students.

And I'd like to think Idris Elba is
at home, waiting for me.

Come on, Tony, surprise me.

Don't suck so much.

You know, when a coach picks on you,
that means you're the star player.

Hmm. Sometimes, it just means you're bad.

Come on, Paula.

We both know you should go with me.
No one teaches history like I do.

I know. You're good.

That's why I let you slide
with the dress code.

What?

You can't hide these calves
from the rest of the world.

Oh, that hurt.

You got your assignment, Gabe.
I'll see you after lunch.

I can't get my leg off.

You okay?

You need some alone time in your Elantra?

My kid is graduating from middle school
next week,

and my ex-husband, the first one,
is going to be there.

You meet the love of your life
at Freaknik,

and you think it's gonna last.

Gabe, he's bringing his young wife.

I've been looking for a guy all year,
but apparently,

I'm giving Southern California
carpal tunnel from swiping left.

You still got it.

You're smart, you're pretty,
you're strong.

You're an amazing administrator.

Is this all a part
of your mission statement?

If it's working, then yes.

Mr. Iglesias!

- Oh, hey, Walt.
- Great news.

I'm graduating early.

Graduating? What're you talking about?

Check it out,
I got a letter from Mr. Hernandez.

"Counseled... out."

Walt, you're not graduating,
you're... you're being expelled.

Well, I think we can agree,

the important thing is,
I don't have to come back!

School didn't want me,
and I've never wanted it.

This is a no-fault divorce.
Just like my folks.

So, what next? Goldman Sachs?

Foot Locker.
I'll make those stripes look good.

Yeah, I doubt that. I used to work there.
Heh. I looked like a fat barcode.

I think you can do better
than Foot Locker.

You know what I'd really like to sell?

Did the state of California legalize it
in 2016?

I was gonna say custom rims,
but I like your idea way better.

Thanks, Mr. Iglesias!

Uh, wait, no... Uh...
You know, I was thinking shoe...

- People need shoes!
- Not as much as they need weed!

Yeah, but they need the shoes
to get to the weed!

Hey, Tony.

Any of your students
get this weird letter?

Maybe. We're not that close.

Hey, can you help me
with my mission statement?

Sure. I can't believe
I'm still doing your homework.

Just get me started.

All right. Uh...
Why do you wanna teach the honors program?

Because it'd be way easier.

Lead with that.

You know, Tony,
have you ever had a student

who was afraid to try?

Yeah, that's half my kids.

Yeah.

And they worry
that if they try their hardest then fail,

they can't ever use the excuse
that they weren't really trying?

Yeah, I see it all the time.

Well, this isn't about my students,
this is about...

Oh! I see what you did there.

Gabe? I know we're competing
against each other,

- but would you proof my mission statement?
- You too?

Charts? You got charts?

And a bibliography?

Yeah. Is it tacky that I cited
my own grad school thesis?

Yes!

- Wait. Is this PowerPoint?
- Mm-hmm.

You really do speak the language
of the honors kids.

Oh, thank you!

I also speak French.

Tu es très gentil, mon petit chou.

- What did that mean?
- I don't know,

but I've never been called "petite."

Hey, Mikey.

You got a letter, too?

Ah, it's probably just a bill.

At my house, we don't open those
till the one after final-final notice.

Yeah, I get it.

You know, growing up, we were on
a first-name basis with our repo man.

Yeah, Hector the collector
even came to my graduation.

- Are you gonna pay that for me?
- No, but someone is gonna pay for this.

Yo, yo, wait up, wait up!
I got more bills!

...to say...

- We're in a meeting!
- Yeah, and I'm in it too. Hi.

What do you want, Gabe?

What's up with these letters?
And what the hell is "counseled out"?

It's a nice way of saying
to our underperforming students,

"Dear dumb ass, get lost.
Kmart is hiring."

"Attention Kmart shoppers,

pay no attention
to the idiot on aisle five."

...aisle five.

Gabe, we are a public school.

Our funding depends on meeting
certain standards:

grades, discipline, attendance levels.

And the easiest way
to improve those averages

is to counsel out the kids
who are hurting the numbers.

What do you call this program?

"Some Children Left Behind"?

I don't hate it.

This program could make our school
the educational pearl of the district.

Yeah.

All you gotta do is swipe left
on a bunch of kids.

What's "swipe left"?

The story of my damn life.

- Ah, Mr. Hayward!
- Hey!

Have you heard about
these "counseled out" letters?

The "not our problem anymore" letters.

Yeah, sure.

Always easier to juke the stats
than reach the hard cases.

Something tells me
I need to sit down for this.

Gabriel, when I was about your age,
I got a job offer at a private school.

You know,
where the students wear cardigans

with the crests on them.

Hogwarts.

Yeah.

Then, at lunch,
a couple of kids got in a little scrap.

As I was stopping the fight,
one of the kids hit me,

and that's when I knew
I needed to be here.

Hit you so hard it gave you dementia.

No.

See, I knew what that kid
was dealing with at home,

and I knew what would've happened
if that kid had hit any other teacher.

If you had left,

you wouldn't have been here
when I was on the ropes.

You were one of the kids that let me know
I was doing the right thing.

Wow.

I wonder where I would've wound up
without you, Mr. Hayward.

Well, you'd have been
in some low-paying job

with lots of stress,

long hours...

Hey, there she is.
Always reading something.

Yeah, my obituary.

No way.
Oh, they've gone too far now.

You're not just my best student,
you're my favorite student.

We know you say that to all of us.

Yeah, I know, but when I'm talking to you,
I'm not lying.

Letter says it's 'cause of attendance.
I kinda missed some afternoon classes.

- Like how many?
- Like all of them.

I work to help my family,
but I did the assignments.

I'm gonna take this to somebody
who can help fix it.

Oh, my God,
are you gonna have Hernandez jumped?

No, but I like your idea much better.

Mm... I can't find any central database
for the kids who got the letter.

If I can't access the list,
I can't change it.

And believe me, I need to.

Wait, you too?
Well, why did you get a letter?

For doing stuff like this.

That's right. That's...
That's why I called you here.

Um...

I need your help getting Principal Madison
in a good mood.

Just get a pitcher of appletinis in her.

I don't even wanna know how you know that.

It's on her profile.

"Just get a pitcher of appletinis in me,
and let the magic happen."

You know, Grace,

I want you to know how proud I am of you
and how far you've come this year,

in case I get fired.

Fired? Why would you get fired?

You're the best teacher in the school.

Which, let's face it, that's a low bar.

You think maybe you can, uh, hack back
into Principal Madison's dating profile?

Hmm... Which one do you want?

Uh, Bumble, Tinder, UrbanSwipe.

She's on everything but FarmersOnly.

Oh, wait, she's on that one too.

- Yeah, girl is rocking that cowboy hat!
- Huh.

I'm going with...

Gabe!

Mother-flowers!

I mean, uh...

Congratulations, Gabe.

I just, you know...

Wow.

Hey, Abby, that is why
you should never try your hardest.

Ooh. Yay, me.

What's the matter, Gabe?

You won!

I figured right now
you'd be doing your touchdown dance.

You know...

♪ A little salsa, a little salsa ♪

♪ A little salsa ♪

You know, like a dab or two?

Come on.

Do your thing.

You know, I've been thinking...

instead of giving me
the teach-approved kids,

I don't know,
why don't you give me the kids

that got the "counseled out" letter
from Hernandez?

You know, the world's worst pen pal?

Okay...

Carlos, can you come in here a sec?

Locust, boils, darkness... Hernandez!

Hey! We're just talking about you.

Carlos, Gabe has volunteered to teach
the kids we've counseled out.

- Marisol Fuentes is my best student.
- Her attendance is unacceptable.

She works. She has a real job.
You should try it!

We're just putting every student
in a position to succeed.

Look, so many people
have turned their backs on these kids,

and I don't want to be
one of those people.

We're not turning our backs on them.

It's turning our faces
to the good students.

Look, Hernandez may think
that these kids are invisible,

but I see them. All of them.

It's done.

Hold on, Carlos.

Yeah, hold on, Carlos.

"Invisible," you say, Gabe?

Did I?

You know...

a woman gets to a certain age,
and she sure knows what that feels like.

People of color know what that feels like.

- Preach, sister.
- Shut up, Carlos.

You know, it's the damnedest thing.

I got a message on my dating app
a little while ago

from this fine-looking, young Denzel-type

who wants to buy me an appletini.

Denzel? Is that even your type?

I'm alive, aren't I? Mm...

He even quoted Invisible Man.
That's my favorite novel.

You know, I've been meaning to read it.

"I am invisible
simply because people refuse to see me."

Wow, sounds like a real catch.

And then, you come in here,
and you refer to these kids as invisible.

That's quite a coincidence.

Or maybe it's a sign.

You know, if we don't see these kids now,
no one ever will.

All right, Gabriel.

You got this summer to turn 'em around.

Grades, discipline, attendance.
No screw-ups.

So, Gabe has to waste his summer
teaching the drip tray,

and then I get to kick them out.
I can live with that.

Well, you live with yourself.

You can live with anything.

We can't save them all, Gabe.

I know,
but who are we if we don't even try?

Ooh!

He is fine!

Wait a second, this is Denzel.

This is a picture from The Pelican Brief.

Somebody photoshopped a cowboy hat
on his damn head. Gabe!

Okay.

Some of you are here
because of your poor grades,

poor attendance,

disciplinary reasons, or all of the above.

Messed around and got a triple-double.

Yup.
I gotta say, it was a good day.

All right, so I got some good news,
and I have some bad news.

The good news is
no one is getting counseled out.

Yes!

Yeah, the bad news is...
we're gonna have to do summer school.

Wait, those are both bad things!

I don't know,
now I've got something to do this summer.

Yeah, I got something to do
this summer too, and it's not school.

"Yay, Mr. Iglesias saved the day!

We love him and his hat!"

What about your trip?

Eh...

Who wants to roll around
in a cool Volkswagen bus,

listening to '90s jams
and going to wrestling events?

I'm gonna guess you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe I didn't think this through.

Whoo! Rookie of the Year!

That's right.

As it turns out, it's a real award.

It's got your name engraved on it
and everything.

- Aw! You guys are the best!
- Mm-hmm.

Oh! There's only two Bs in Abby. Heh.

Bro, you had one job.

Ah, thank you.
I see you got my text, Katie.

Your appletini

- and your back-up appletini.
- Mm-hmm!

How about you, Gabe?
The usual, ginger ale on the rocks?

Yes, can I also have a lime in it?
I ain't driving.

Ooh!

Not to pry, Gabe,

but is there
a specific reason you don't drink?

Well, if we're being honest,
I kind of like remembering what I did

and who I did it with.

Well, that's why I drink.

I like to forget what I did
and who I did it with.

Don't worry.

Eventually, you'll forget it all.

Only the grinding hip pain will remain.

Bone on bone.

Hey. Here's to the future, huh?

Whoo!

- Whoo! Bone on bone.
- Mm!

All right, Paula.

- Who is the new honors teacher?
- Oh!

I'm going to go with...

you, Tony!

Oh, suck a dictionary!

You know, somebody better teach
this young gal how to swear,

or she's gonna get laughed out
of Long Beach.

I'm sorry, I'm just not a very good loser.

- No practice.
- Mm-hmm.

Abby, you can bring the kids
up to your level.

I'm hoping the honors kids
can bring Tony up to their level.

Well, thank you, Paula.

So, what kind of raise are
we talking about here?

I'm not gonna fire you.

- I do it for the kids.
- Mm-hmm!

To surviving another school year!

Whoo, yay!

♪ The only one, my everything
And to you, this song I sing ♪

♪ And all my life ♪

♪ I prayed for someone like you ♪

♪ And I hope that you ♪

- ♪ Feel the same way too! ♪
- ♪ Love me too! ♪