Mozart in the Jungle (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript
Great. Terrific.
Very profound.
- Hello. Hi. Hi.
- Si.
Um, so Alessandra
would love to thank you,
but, um,
she's on vocal rest
for the concert tonight,
so I'm gonna
say it for her.
Grazie mille.
Bye-bye.
- Signorina.
- Yeah?
- Scuze.
- Uh-huh?
The diva, she promise
for tonight--
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Okay.
Here you go,
your Beatitude,
four VIP tickets, but
remember to get there early
- because it's gonna be
a... shit show.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me!
Oh, my-- Okay.
Thank you.
This is a ham that
someone gave to me
to give to you.
It's a very special ham
from Donatella Versace.
It's the only kind
that she eats when
she eats--
Just here--
In case you're hungry.
Can I maybe just,
like, run through
a costume change?
Are you okay?
- I was talking.
- Oh.
To who?
To Maria Callas.
Ah. Did she say
anything good?
Wish you luck
or anything?
She said I was a fool.
- Hailey.
- Yeah.
I want you to go to Rodrigo
and ask him a question.
I think I will get
a more honest answer
if you ask.
Well, if it's about
the modern piece,
I have to say
it is sounding--
So, look. If you can
stay open to the cameras
as much as possible,
that would be great.
We have the three remotes
here on the rafts,
then the camera boats.
I mean, not if it
messes with your conducting.
- What is your name again?
- Kyle.
Kylie. Kylie,
can you leave, please?
Of course.
- Thank you.
- Just remember,
you need 15 minutes
to get to the piazza,
so if you need
a pee break or--
I don't need a pee break,
Union Bob.
Bob? Who's Bob?
My name is Kyle.
Kylie.
- Hi.
- Hey, Hai Lai.
Yeah, I'm so happy
to see you.
So what-- what--
what's going on?
She's a little tense,
she's, uh, talking to Callas.
She's so in--
Oh, she's talking to Ca--
Oh, good.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Good, good, good.
Um, I have to ask you
a question from her.
Okay.
- Maestro.
- Oh, Beppi.
I've come to wish you
merda, tanta merda.
Grazie, grazie
And to ask you
whether you might
consider to
wear this camera
during the performance.
It's a tiny, tiny camera.
- Camera.
- Yes.
It will give the
world-wide audience
a conductor's eye view.
Mm, no, no, no.
I try.
And how is she?
She's preparing?
She sings--
in her imagination.
Yeah, she's singing
in her imagination.
Maybe you should go
wish her tanta merda.
Wish her luck?
She will kill me.
Well, here we are.
The super team.
Ciao.
- Okay. So--
- Okay, so...
she wants to know if
you're in love with her?
- If I'm in love with her?
- Yeah.
If I'm in love with her?
Why? Why, why--
If I'm in love with her?
Why--
Why would you ask--
Why do you ask me
that question?
You, you of all people,
why do you ask me that?
What do you mean,
me of all people?
I need a mate.
Okay? I need a mate.
Okay, I think it's
a very simple question.
Are you in love with her
or aren't you in love with her?
Well, Hai Lai, you know,
I mean it's a--
Okay, I'm-- I'm in love
with her.
Mm. With her musicianship.
I love her voice, you know?
I've always loved her voice.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm in love
with her craft.
I'm in love with
how she looks,
because she's very--
you know.
I-- I'm in love with, uh--
with her music--
Okay, did you say that
you were in love with her?
She said that you said that
you were in love with her.
I think-- Mm.
I might have
said something
that actually
sort of means that.
Yeah.
I told her that
I love her, but--
Yeah.
Several times.
Okay.
Were you lying?
No, I wasn't lying.
Of course not.
I never lie when
I say those things.
I mean,
in the moment, I mean it.
And then there's
another moment.
- Yeah.
- Okay? And then--
And then I'm-- I'm just
a whirl of contradictions,
Hai Lai.
- That's not good enough.
- What? Not good enough
for you?
No, it's not good enough
for you.
You can't just tell someone
that you love them,
and then backtrack.
You can't just tell someone
that they play with the blood,
and that they're gonna be
a great conductor,
and then just throw them
in a shark tank
way before they're ready--
- Hey.
- And beyond that,
you can't tell the orchestra
that they're your family,
and then just
fucking leave them.
Hai Lai.
Hai Lai.
Oh, chica.
I'm sorry.
Oh, fuck.
Ay-- Ay, ay.
Hey.
Alessandra.
Do not come near me.
Now I will sing.
You still want me to be
your dresser, right?
Cynthia, please let us
chip in on the simulcast.
It's okay,
it's only $3.99.
It's gonna be weird
watching him conduct,
and not holding my violin.
You can hold my cello if
that'll make you feel better.
Yeah,
it might, it might.
Welcome.
Hey, everyone,
this is Lizzie.
Remember Lizzie?
- Hailey's friend
and my friend.
- Oh, hey.
- Nice get up.
- Thank you.
I'm mildly obsessed with a
turn of the century composer.
This is how
she dresses.
I used to
dress up as Lord Byron
and smoke opium in college.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was you before
you were you, Dee Dee.
What is it?
I don't want to resign.
Well, then don't.
Why let that bugger
determine your future?
He's just a lucky
fucking bastard.
Now, this is exciting.
Who would have thought we'd
run into each other here,
- huh, Maestro?
- Yeah.
And I've always been
such a big fan.
You may not remember this,
but we met once 15 years ago
in Helsinki
at the airport.
I was having a shrimp
sandwich in the lounge.
They make fantastic
shrimp sandwiches there
in Helsinki.
And you were on your way
to Vilnius, Lithuania,
and I complimented you
on your blue Balenciaga shoes,
and here you are
dressed in blue again.
Winnie, Winnie.
Hey, nice ax,
by the way.
Thank you.
What, has she
gone mute?
- Somebody should give her
a kick up the ass.
- Shh.
She's missed
the entrance.
- Twice.
I can't take this.
Ah, thank God.
- Yes, Bob?
- What?
You're staring at me.
Sorry. Schubert has
a weird effect on me.
Bugger me,
it's Placido.
It's Placido.
- Man, I wish I was there.
- We all do.
I wish Rodrigo was here.
The heck with him.
If he'd rather be
over there in Venice
conducting one of the most
beautiful women in the world
instead of on
the picket lines
here with us,
that's his loss.
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Alessandra,
are you cold?
Not in your arms,
Placido.
Perhaps in some other
bastard's embrace.
Okay, so, we have 10 minutes
to get to Piazza San Marco
and I have your tasty wig.
Can I take anything
from you?
- Take this.
- Okay. Ow! Mother--
- Accident.
- Marvelous. Transcendent
- There are 30 million
watching in Beijing
- It's gonna be okay.
- 30 millions.
- Maestro.
- Rodrigo.
Shh.
You tell me and
I might have to kill you.
No, no, no, no,
please, no, no, no.
Bueno, bueno.
- Rodrigo.
- Sì?
- Maestro Rivera?
- Sì.
I've wanted to do that
for a long time.
She cut his hair off.
That shit was hardcore.
Thank you for
the haircut.
It's just the beginning.
Hmm.
Hm. Ah.
So that's a real knife.
It's from my kitchen.
Yeah, it looks
really sharp.
- Wig.
- Yes.
When did this wig happen?
Tie this.
It's gonna look
really nice.
Hey, I just wanted to say,
um, that thing earlier--
the me and Rodrigo thing--
it's really just not
that big of a deal.
It's just something
that happens sometimes,
and not even that often
sometimes,
so you have nothing
to worry about whatsoever.
- Box.
- What?
Hand me that box.
Yes.
Right away.
It's a prop gun, right?
Right?
Take off this.
Yes.
Where the hell's
the orchestra?
I think it's done
electronically.
- Where'd the orchestra go?
- They got locked out.
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Shh! Philistine.
That is daft.
No!
Is that Hailey?
Alessandra!
Stupenda, Alessandra!
I'm getting--
Oh, Christ.
Wow!
Ole, Alessandra.
Wow!
- Ah, Maestro!
Brilliant.
- Yes.
Fabulous!
I have offers from
across Europe--
- Thank you, Winnie.
Thank you for being here.
- As well as Japan and Dubai,
and Montego Bay.
Only you, only you could
bring this out of her.
Only you!
- Lizzie?
- Hailes. What the fuck
were you doing out there?
Oh, my God, that's
a really good question.
Oh, there's some people
that want to say hi to you.
Hey, world traveler.
Don't forget about
the little people.
- How's the Walsh Ensemble?
- Good, I got fired.
You what?
That's not good.
When are you coming home?
We miss you.
I'm coming back as soon
as fucking possible.
- Hey, Maestro. Hey.
- Oh, well done, my lad,
well done.
Brilliant. So brilliant,
but just, uh--
The-- I don't know,
knife,
just a tad, a tad,
you know--
- Mm.
- You know what
I'm talking about.
Rodrigo,
we just heard about
Maestro Rivera.
I am so sorry.
- I'm a wanker.
- Oh, no, no.
Yes. Yes,
you were right.
- I am a-- I'm a wanker.
- We're all wankers, Maestro.
- I must say hello
to Alessandra.
- All of us.
- All wankers.
- No. No, he's a wanker.
Scuse. Scuse, scuse.
Scuse.
Grazie. Grazie.
Alessandra.
Alessandra.
I'm back.
I'm La Fiamma again.
I'm going to destroy you.
I will never
work with you again.
If I meet you again,
I'll kill you for real,
you bastard.
My papa died
in Salzburg.
I wasn't there.
He didn't want me
to leave Salzburg.
He missed me.
But I had a family.
I had a wife.
What do you have?
Very profound.
- Hello. Hi. Hi.
- Si.
Um, so Alessandra
would love to thank you,
but, um,
she's on vocal rest
for the concert tonight,
so I'm gonna
say it for her.
Grazie mille.
Bye-bye.
- Signorina.
- Yeah?
- Scuze.
- Uh-huh?
The diva, she promise
for tonight--
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Okay.
Here you go,
your Beatitude,
four VIP tickets, but
remember to get there early
- because it's gonna be
a... shit show.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me!
Oh, my-- Okay.
Thank you.
This is a ham that
someone gave to me
to give to you.
It's a very special ham
from Donatella Versace.
It's the only kind
that she eats when
she eats--
Just here--
In case you're hungry.
Can I maybe just,
like, run through
a costume change?
Are you okay?
- I was talking.
- Oh.
To who?
To Maria Callas.
Ah. Did she say
anything good?
Wish you luck
or anything?
She said I was a fool.
- Hailey.
- Yeah.
I want you to go to Rodrigo
and ask him a question.
I think I will get
a more honest answer
if you ask.
Well, if it's about
the modern piece,
I have to say
it is sounding--
So, look. If you can
stay open to the cameras
as much as possible,
that would be great.
We have the three remotes
here on the rafts,
then the camera boats.
I mean, not if it
messes with your conducting.
- What is your name again?
- Kyle.
Kylie. Kylie,
can you leave, please?
Of course.
- Thank you.
- Just remember,
you need 15 minutes
to get to the piazza,
so if you need
a pee break or--
I don't need a pee break,
Union Bob.
Bob? Who's Bob?
My name is Kyle.
Kylie.
- Hi.
- Hey, Hai Lai.
Yeah, I'm so happy
to see you.
So what-- what--
what's going on?
She's a little tense,
she's, uh, talking to Callas.
She's so in--
Oh, she's talking to Ca--
Oh, good.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Good, good, good.
Um, I have to ask you
a question from her.
Okay.
- Maestro.
- Oh, Beppi.
I've come to wish you
merda, tanta merda.
Grazie, grazie
And to ask you
whether you might
consider to
wear this camera
during the performance.
It's a tiny, tiny camera.
- Camera.
- Yes.
It will give the
world-wide audience
a conductor's eye view.
Mm, no, no, no.
I try.
And how is she?
She's preparing?
She sings--
in her imagination.
Yeah, she's singing
in her imagination.
Maybe you should go
wish her tanta merda.
Wish her luck?
She will kill me.
Well, here we are.
The super team.
Ciao.
- Okay. So--
- Okay, so...
she wants to know if
you're in love with her?
- If I'm in love with her?
- Yeah.
If I'm in love with her?
Why? Why, why--
If I'm in love with her?
Why--
Why would you ask--
Why do you ask me
that question?
You, you of all people,
why do you ask me that?
What do you mean,
me of all people?
I need a mate.
Okay? I need a mate.
Okay, I think it's
a very simple question.
Are you in love with her
or aren't you in love with her?
Well, Hai Lai, you know,
I mean it's a--
Okay, I'm-- I'm in love
with her.
Mm. With her musicianship.
I love her voice, you know?
I've always loved her voice.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm in love
with her craft.
I'm in love with
how she looks,
because she's very--
you know.
I-- I'm in love with, uh--
with her music--
Okay, did you say that
you were in love with her?
She said that you said that
you were in love with her.
I think-- Mm.
I might have
said something
that actually
sort of means that.
Yeah.
I told her that
I love her, but--
Yeah.
Several times.
Okay.
Were you lying?
No, I wasn't lying.
Of course not.
I never lie when
I say those things.
I mean,
in the moment, I mean it.
And then there's
another moment.
- Yeah.
- Okay? And then--
And then I'm-- I'm just
a whirl of contradictions,
Hai Lai.
- That's not good enough.
- What? Not good enough
for you?
No, it's not good enough
for you.
You can't just tell someone
that you love them,
and then backtrack.
You can't just tell someone
that they play with the blood,
and that they're gonna be
a great conductor,
and then just throw them
in a shark tank
way before they're ready--
- Hey.
- And beyond that,
you can't tell the orchestra
that they're your family,
and then just
fucking leave them.
Hai Lai.
Hai Lai.
Oh, chica.
I'm sorry.
Oh, fuck.
Ay-- Ay, ay.
Hey.
Alessandra.
Do not come near me.
Now I will sing.
You still want me to be
your dresser, right?
Cynthia, please let us
chip in on the simulcast.
It's okay,
it's only $3.99.
It's gonna be weird
watching him conduct,
and not holding my violin.
You can hold my cello if
that'll make you feel better.
Yeah,
it might, it might.
Welcome.
Hey, everyone,
this is Lizzie.
Remember Lizzie?
- Hailey's friend
and my friend.
- Oh, hey.
- Nice get up.
- Thank you.
I'm mildly obsessed with a
turn of the century composer.
This is how
she dresses.
I used to
dress up as Lord Byron
and smoke opium in college.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was you before
you were you, Dee Dee.
What is it?
I don't want to resign.
Well, then don't.
Why let that bugger
determine your future?
He's just a lucky
fucking bastard.
Now, this is exciting.
Who would have thought we'd
run into each other here,
- huh, Maestro?
- Yeah.
And I've always been
such a big fan.
You may not remember this,
but we met once 15 years ago
in Helsinki
at the airport.
I was having a shrimp
sandwich in the lounge.
They make fantastic
shrimp sandwiches there
in Helsinki.
And you were on your way
to Vilnius, Lithuania,
and I complimented you
on your blue Balenciaga shoes,
and here you are
dressed in blue again.
Winnie, Winnie.
Hey, nice ax,
by the way.
Thank you.
What, has she
gone mute?
- Somebody should give her
a kick up the ass.
- Shh.
She's missed
the entrance.
- Twice.
I can't take this.
Ah, thank God.
- Yes, Bob?
- What?
You're staring at me.
Sorry. Schubert has
a weird effect on me.
Bugger me,
it's Placido.
It's Placido.
- Man, I wish I was there.
- We all do.
I wish Rodrigo was here.
The heck with him.
If he'd rather be
over there in Venice
conducting one of the most
beautiful women in the world
instead of on
the picket lines
here with us,
that's his loss.
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Alessandra,
are you cold?
Not in your arms,
Placido.
Perhaps in some other
bastard's embrace.
Okay, so, we have 10 minutes
to get to Piazza San Marco
and I have your tasty wig.
Can I take anything
from you?
- Take this.
- Okay. Ow! Mother--
- Accident.
- Marvelous. Transcendent
- There are 30 million
watching in Beijing
- It's gonna be okay.
- 30 millions.
- Maestro.
- Rodrigo.
Shh.
You tell me and
I might have to kill you.
No, no, no, no,
please, no, no, no.
Bueno, bueno.
- Rodrigo.
- Sì?
- Maestro Rivera?
- Sì.
I've wanted to do that
for a long time.
She cut his hair off.
That shit was hardcore.
Thank you for
the haircut.
It's just the beginning.
Hmm.
Hm. Ah.
So that's a real knife.
It's from my kitchen.
Yeah, it looks
really sharp.
- Wig.
- Yes.
When did this wig happen?
Tie this.
It's gonna look
really nice.
Hey, I just wanted to say,
um, that thing earlier--
the me and Rodrigo thing--
it's really just not
that big of a deal.
It's just something
that happens sometimes,
and not even that often
sometimes,
so you have nothing
to worry about whatsoever.
- Box.
- What?
Hand me that box.
Yes.
Right away.
It's a prop gun, right?
Right?
Take off this.
Yes.
Where the hell's
the orchestra?
I think it's done
electronically.
- Where'd the orchestra go?
- They got locked out.
Boo!
Boo!
Boo!
Shh! Philistine.
That is daft.
No!
Is that Hailey?
Alessandra!
Stupenda, Alessandra!
I'm getting--
Oh, Christ.
Wow!
Ole, Alessandra.
Wow!
- Ah, Maestro!
Brilliant.
- Yes.
Fabulous!
I have offers from
across Europe--
- Thank you, Winnie.
Thank you for being here.
- As well as Japan and Dubai,
and Montego Bay.
Only you, only you could
bring this out of her.
Only you!
- Lizzie?
- Hailes. What the fuck
were you doing out there?
Oh, my God, that's
a really good question.
Oh, there's some people
that want to say hi to you.
Hey, world traveler.
Don't forget about
the little people.
- How's the Walsh Ensemble?
- Good, I got fired.
You what?
That's not good.
When are you coming home?
We miss you.
I'm coming back as soon
as fucking possible.
- Hey, Maestro. Hey.
- Oh, well done, my lad,
well done.
Brilliant. So brilliant,
but just, uh--
The-- I don't know,
knife,
just a tad, a tad,
you know--
- Mm.
- You know what
I'm talking about.
Rodrigo,
we just heard about
Maestro Rivera.
I am so sorry.
- I'm a wanker.
- Oh, no, no.
Yes. Yes,
you were right.
- I am a-- I'm a wanker.
- We're all wankers, Maestro.
- I must say hello
to Alessandra.
- All of us.
- All wankers.
- No. No, he's a wanker.
Scuse. Scuse, scuse.
Scuse.
Grazie. Grazie.
Alessandra.
Alessandra.
I'm back.
I'm La Fiamma again.
I'm going to destroy you.
I will never
work with you again.
If I meet you again,
I'll kill you for real,
you bastard.
My papa died
in Salzburg.
I wasn't there.
He didn't want me
to leave Salzburg.
He missed me.
But I had a family.
I had a wife.
What do you have?