Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Jilted Wives vs. Cheating Husbands - full transcript

[Announcer] Get
fired up for MXC,

the world's most toughest
competition in town.

Today, it's domestic
disturbance and dirty little secrets

as Hollywood's Jilted Wives strike
back at their Cheating Husbands.

It's the classic battle of
the Jens versus the Brads,

the scorned versus
the adulterers,

the betrayed versus the trade.

Here's the couple
that will never split...

Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano.

Ah, welcome to the
show, everybody.

We have got a good
one today. [chuckles]



Kenny, we're on.
Oh. Yeah. Woo-woo.

Kenny, can't you see the
red light on top of the camera?

Yeah. It's right there!

Anyway, today, it's
Cheating Husbands

and their Jilted Wives.

Hey, guys, chicks
on the rebound.

That's right, Kenny.
It's Brad and Jennifer

all over the tabloids.

Yeah, yeah. Brangelina
versus Vincifer Vaughniston.

Kenny, will you
be serious, please?

All of Hollywood's elite
are watching today's show!

Even Jenna Jameson?
[groans] Here's Guy.

Hello, babies. Guy here.

As you can see, I'm ready
to have a formal affair.



Or if any of you just
need a soft lap to cry on,

Guy knows what it's
like to be dumped on.

[chuckles] More on that later.

First, our contestants, will they
cheat death on Rotating Surfboards?

Oh, or will Wives get
shafted with Pole Riders?

Perhaps the Husbands are going
to be slapped around with Hand Job.

Oh, will the Wives have their
Husbands by the Brass Balls?

Well, if you need a friend,
Guy will be your humble servant.

In fact, I'll be right
behind you. [chuckling]

[hysterical laughter]

Disturbing. Question:
How many of you think

that Hollywood's elite, by
virtue of their superior genetics,

should be allowed
to love freely?

Show of hands, now! [cheering]

You're wrong, and
I'm gonna tell you why.

You don't get fruit
salad like this for tossing

someone other
than spouse's salad.

It's wrong. It's
immoral. It's depraved.

For example, you, Mr. Belushi.

Tell me, have you ever
cheated on your wife, John?

Actually, I'm Tim,
the less-talented one.

Of course you are. Forgive me.

Yes, I have cheated on
my TV wife many times.

Really, John? It's Tim!

Can't you ready?
According to Tim!

Hey, listen. Pay
attention. Eyes right here.

The Captain says cheating
husbands are the scum of the earth,

and they should be ostracized.

Candidates for castration.
I've been a cheating husband.

Mr. Clooney, just because you're
prettier than most of your leading ladies

doesn't give you the right
to climb up on my pedestal.

Oh, I'm sorry I had to be so
stern with you, Mr. Clooney.

[clears throat] Let's go!

We're off to our first event.

Here's Chief Otto
Parts to explain.

♪ Rotating Surfboard of Death ♪

♪ Don't fall off
or you'll get wet ♪

You want to see
'em heap big panties?

[blows whistle] Get it on!

First up for the Cheating
Husbands, it's Brad Splitt.

I'm not only stupid, I'm dumb!

I wonder why he
cheated on Jiltifer?

Oh, probably for the
obvious reasons, Ken.

She's too beautiful, too
nice, has too much money

and everything a man
could possibly want.

Yeah, I dumped her, too. Oh!

And there goes Brad
down, just like Troy!

Let's take another look. That
movie made me uncomfortable.

Greek guys are
greasy. I disagree, Ken.

Glistening Greek men going
head-to-head, wrestling each other.

Yeah, falling on
each other's swords.

And next up, Jiltifer Aniston.

I practice witchcraft.

Her husband, Brad, left when
she told him to take out the trash.

He did. Now he's
living with her.

Right you are. Oh! She
goes down right away!

Wow. Then why did he dump
her? Good question, Ken.

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

You see right there? She
snaps her Courteney Coccyx,

hangs Perrylously,

and then becomes a Schwimmer.

Gee, a glass of LeBlanc
could settle her nerves.

Ah, Kudrows to her, Ken.

I got your alimony
check right here, baby!

Here, of course, Jude Law, who
cheated on his wife, Sienna, with a nanny.

Yeah, she was paying too
much attention to his little one.

And that really burnt Sienna.
[chuckling] See what I did there, Ken?

[forced chuckle] I don't get it.

You know, Ken, Jude also
was caught with a stripper.

Yeah, she took the
Law into her own hands.

[chuckles] See what I did there?

I most certainly did
not. And Jude is down!

What a shame. Next up, former
Spice Girl Victoria Beckman.

Do I look drunk
to you? Go ahead.

Punch me in me midsection. I'm
not gonna feel it. You smell drunk.

Hey, wasn't she Lush
Spice? That's right, Ken.

Oh! And she falls
back off the wagon!

Her addiction gets in the way.
She missed her 13th step. Christ!

[laughing] Let's go down to Guy.

What did you think of your
mommy's performance, huh?

I'm moving in with
me dad. Oh, have fun.

Here's a replay.
She fell really hard.

This one still likes me.
Tell him you like me.

I like Daddy better. Guy
likes your mommy, too!

Up your bum! And here's
distinguished English actor

and whoremonger Hugh Grant.

What was that thing
that he was in, Ken?

Divine Brown? Ah,
right you are, Ken.

And there he is, into an
inverted Buckingham Phallus.

Into a reverse Beefeater.

Coming up now... Oh, a nice
crowning jewel. I can see your panties.

There, a half-and-half around the
world. Oh! Looks like he's done it!

Oh, and that was a Divine run.
Right you are. Here's Len Minolta.

I have a grapefruit-sized tumor in my
armpit! It's from using my cell phone!

He's the paparazzi hired by Nicole
Kidman to see if Tom Cruise was cheating.

Yeah, all he got was a picture of
Tom at home coming out of the closet.

Right you are, Ken. Look at that.
Looks like he just chipped his lens cap!

Oh, my tumor's bleeding!
I shudder to think of it.

Yeah, Phil Jackson's my boy!

Here's basketball
great Proby Bryant,

who got caught cheating on his wife when
he checked into a Colorado hotel worker.

Yeah, I know why he got
caught. He went up for a layup

and left DNBA samples
on the headboard.

Right you are, Ken.
And look at that.

Into an early sprawl. Free
throws himself up onto the platform.

Jump! And that was Magic!

He almost Kareemed
himself on the pink dolphin!

Oh, and look at that! He didn't make the
play-offs, but he sure made the pay-offs.

I got a four-million-dollar
ring! Four!

And here's Proby's
poor wife, Vanessa.

I wouldn't call her
poor. Right you are, Ken.

She got an eight-karat
ring for his dalliances.

Yeah, and now she's
wearing the family jewels.

Right you are, Ken.
And she's down!

She sinks like a precious stone.

Where's my ring?

Well, thanks to Hugh
Grant and Proby Bryant,

the Cheating Husbands
are up two to zero.

Vic, your ex-wife should've
been on the show. [laughing]

Good one, Ken. I will see you
in the parking lot after the show.

[Announcer] Don't
be a stick in the mud.

Stay tuned for more
action when MXC returns.

MXC is back for more Cheating
Husbands and Jilted Wives.

It's the humpties
versus the dumpties.

We're back. Hey, do you think
Brad left Jennifer for Angelina?

Well, Ken, if it is in the
tabloids, it must be true.

Yeah. I guess you're right.
But you have to understand.

On-set romances happen
all the time. Nothing new.

Oh, like Ben Affleck
and Matt Damon?

Exactly. Or Jason and Freddy?

Well, Ken, I was thinking
more along the classic sense,

like Tracy and Hepburn
from the movie Adam's Rib.

Jenna Jameson
was in Adam's Bone.

Kenny, pornography doesn't
qualify as true on-set romance.

Then can I have my tape
back? When I'm finished.

Let's go to Pole Riders.
Firmly grip the shaft

over one end to the
other without getting wet.

I'm a sex addict!

And first up for the
Cheating Husbands,

it's Hollies Berries'
latest ex-man, Eric Bidet.

Yeah, I think he left her for
Catwoman. And who wouldn't?

Ooh! Kenny, let's take
another look at that.

Looks like Bidet couldn't hold
on to a good thing when he had it.

Right you are, Ken. Looks like
he gave himself the shaft that time.

I just got my driver's
license back! Yeah!

Next up, jilted
superstar Hollies Berries.

Still wearing her
Catwoman costume.

Man, I'd pay to be
her scratching post.

I'd kill to be her litter box.

Let's see what she
does here. [laughs]

Oh! And she's
down into the fluid!

And what is today's
safety fluid, Ken?

That's sheet squeezings
from the Chateau Marmount.

Oh, good stuff. And comfy.

When I gotta go,
I pee in the snow!

Next up, Coldwell
Banger, a love nest Realtor.

Yeah, he finds hot properties for
cheating husbands to do their dirty deeds.

That's right. Now he's
swimming in our escrowment.

[both laugh]

Very clever, Ken. Let's
go to our next contestant.

I saw a girl naked. Ew!
Creepy! Here's Richard Puller.

He's a superstar
rebound makeover trainer.

He gets jilted housewives back
in shape and back on the market,

claiming he knows
what a man likes.

I insist on a strict
diet of beefcake.

Richard is also
really big on protein.

Yeah, and lean meat injections.

Oh, I think he might've
landed on his fruit juicer.

And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.

I think he enjoyed that. That's why
he's doing it over and over and over.

I need sleeps!

And here's everyone's favorite
cheating white rapper, Slim Shabby.

Yeah, his wife caught him
hip-hopping from bed to bed.

Oh! Looks like he
overshot the Marky Mark!

No, wait a minute! He's
climbing back up, Vic!

I think you might be right, Ken.

Yeah! And he's
made it! Unbelievable!

Let's take another look!

You know, I'll bet you 50
Cent his Clay is Aiken right now.

Right you are, Ken,
because, you know,

in the rough-and-tumble
world of rap music,

it's all about the struggle...

Starting out at the
bottom, Uh-huh. Yeah.

Crawling out of
number two, [chuckles]

and working your way back up the
charts until you make number one.

Yeah. I really do
have my own talent!

And here's Saint Nick Lachey,
who allegedly cheated on Jessica.

Yeah, didn't she cheat on
him with that Jackass dude?

Right you are. Oh!

Let's watch Santa go south down
the North Pole. What a shame.

What up, Cleveland?

How y'all doing out there?

Let me hear you say "yeah"!
And here's Neil Downs.

He provides women by the
hour for cheating husbands.

Let's see what he does
here. Oh! He's down!

He hits that water like
a sock full of quarters.

Right you are. Hey,
did he lose his pants?

I don't know. Let's
take another look.

Uh, no, I was wrong.

That's just his skin-colored
flesh. Let's go to Guy.

What do you do
when your girls act up?

I gives 'em the pimp
hand. Pimp hand. Yeah. Oh.

Let me hear you
say, "Yeah!" Yeah!

Do you want to see
Guy's pimp hand?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

And, of course, MXC
does not condone the views

of Guy or any of its employees.

Pimps are cool.

I prefer my potatoes mashed!

And last up for the Jens is
Hollywood divorce lawyer

and ladies' man,
Marvin Snitchelson.

I heard he tries all his
clients before he goes to court.

Right you are. Oh!
And the verdict is in!

Yeah, loser. Right you are.

So, thanks to Slim's
not-too-Shabby pole work,

the Cheating Husbands
expand their lead three to nothing.

Hey, Vic. Yes, Ken?

Angelina's the ultimate
girl to cheat with.

She's been with Bill Bob,
Brad Pitt and even her brother.

Well, Ken, did you
ever think that maybe

because she didn't get
enough love from her dad?

She went out with
her dad? No, Kenny.

I'm just saying that
maybe she needs

a father figure in her life.

Well, hey, I'll adopt her.

I's like to be her mac daddy.

[chuckles, groans] I'm
gonna put you up for adoption.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

break out the lotion, 'cause
there'll be tons of hand motion.

[chuckles] Got it, hangnail?

MXC is back with the
Cheating Husbands

and the Jilted Housewives.

It's the liars
versus the criers.

Well, Kenny, look who's here.

Our special guest,
Dr. Phil Landers.

Ooh! Watch yourself
there. Ha! He fell!

Oh, dear. I think he's drunk.

Of course, you're here
to promote your new book.

That's right. It's called
Cheating for Dodos.

Uh-huh. Your guide
to hassle-free adultery.

You mean like getting some
without getting a summons?

And it's also the
basis of our next game.

Yeah. Oh, here, Mr. Romano.

I brought you something. I thought
you were just happy to see me.

♪♪ [rimshot] See
what I did there?

You know what
Dr. Phil always says...

Why buy the cow when
the neighbor's cat's in heat?

What? Understand?

Let's go to the game.

What's everyone's
favorite game? Hand Job!

Hand Job! Hand Job! Hand Job!

All right. I'm the referee.

You ask the questions.
What's your job? Oh... Mmm...

Come on. I can't remember.

Come on. You can
remember. Oh... Mmm...

I should've written them down.
You don't even know how to write.

I hate your stupid bow tie.
Hey, I'm not gonna clap for you.

Yeah. Hand Job. Take that.

And welcome to the
College of Carnal Knowledge.

The object of the game is to
answer all of Dr. Phil's questions.

The white hands
are the Jilted Jens.

And, of course, the blue hands
represent the Busted Brads.

I'm proud to be a Brad. Let's
go down to our first question.

First question. According to
Dr. Phil Landers' book on cheating...

Finger it. And, of
course, the answer is five.

There! The jilted Jerry Hall,

followed by Bianca Jagger,
and then David Bowie.

Chalk one up for the ladies.
All right. Come on. Let's go.

[laughs] Yeah.

Next question.

According to Dr. Phil Landers,

"at what age does a Hollywood
trophy wife lose her shine?"

Ready? Finger it.

There's R. Kelly, who
goes after the number 10!

But, of course,
the answer is 18.

R. Kelly often
mistakes 10 for 18.

Right. Only to be beaten off by
the scorned Kathie Lee Gifford

who pounced on
the correct number.

There's Judge Reinhold
trying to sort things out.

And there's Kathie Lee.
Frank, I will destroy you.

Question three. According
to the good doctor...

Ready? Finger it. And, of
course, the answer is 11,

and nobody knows that
better than Michael Douglas!

Oh, wow! [laughs]

That's a baker's
dozen. Right you are.

Unbelievably, the doctor
has devoted an entire chapter

to sexy Susan Sarandon.

Ready? Finger it. Of
course, the answer is nine.

And porn star Candy
Pantster gets there first!

Charlie Spleen right behind her!
Whoa! Easy! Easy! Get off of her.

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

Let's take another look, Ken.

Hey, put the candy
bar down and roll it.

Yeah, Charlie Spleen
was really trying to go

for a come-from-behind victory.

Well, the Busted
Brads still have the lead,

but the Jilted Jens are
making a comeback,

and the score is four to three.

In the doctor's chapter
on restraining orders...

Finger it.

And, of course, the
answer is no less than 12.

Oh, and it's Kid Rock!

Who only wishes he
could keep that distance.

You know, I'd settle for
half, Ken. I'd have to double it.

I'm sorry? [laughs]

Let's go back down to
Danny. Next question.

Finger it. And
look at that, Ken.

The contestants are
running towards two!

Oh, the world's a
very forgiving place.

Yeah, they don't know
that the real answer's 24.

Oh, that is, except for
Jan Voigt, who lands on 24.

Jan, of course, Angelina's
way-too-personal assistant.

We spoke with her earlier today.

And here's what she had to say.

I'm Angelina's body double
for when she feels frigid.

Okay, this comes from
the doctor's chapter

on aging prostates.

"In order to stay fresh
for their girlfriends,

how many positions are
older Hollywood cheaters

willing to use on their wives?"

Finger it. Oh, that's a gimme.

And the answer
is obviously three.

And who lands on it but every
jilted wife's gay best friend, Paco!

[laughing] What's so funny, Ken?

That rhymes with "taco." Kenny!

Hey, what's a prostate?

Something that should
not be taken for granted.

I assure you, my young friend.

So, after three rounds,

our former couples
are now evenly split,

and we're all tied
up at five to five.

♪♪ [humming]

There I am.

Guy here with a few
words on how to catch

a lady on the rebound.

[chuckles] That's how
you do... Oh, what is this?

Ladies love music. Here we go.

♪♪ [dance]

Are you ready for this?

♪ It's Hammerin' Guy
your favorite MC ♪

♪ Now watch old
Guy break it down ♪

♪ Can't touch this
Can't touch this ♪

♪ Can't touch this ♪

[Announcer] When MCX returns,

it's hits, misses
and mistresses.

[chuckles] Got it, jack wipe?

MXC is back for the final battle

as the new squeezes take
on the "Why?" wheezers.

And love is in the air. No, I
just forgot to wash my hand.

Here's Tom Sleazemore and Heidi
Floss together again for the first time.

Heidi, I know we've
been through a lot...

Beatings, the verbal
abuse, the drug use,

the restraining
orders, the trials...

Tom, you had me
at "restraining order."

Oh, to be Mrs. Tom Sleazemore.

Marry me, and you can
do all the hitting this time.

Trust me, I've taken care of
that little nose problem. [groans]

Ah, very touching.
Yeah. He's a good actor.

Indeed. And the heartwarming
conclusion at the end of the show.

Captain?

The game is called Brass Balls.

The object is to get
across the bridge,

but there's one
more little thing.

Danny.

We're gonna be blasting
balls right into their face.

Right? Right? Yeah! Right.

[blows whistle] Get it on!

Fudge!

And first up for the Brads,

actor/director/writer/cheater,
Effem Hawke.

Yeah, I read somewhere
that the Hawke took off

and landed on a runway model,
leaving Uma fumin'. All right.

Thank you. Kenny, it's nice to
know you're giving reading another try.

No, I saw it in my nana's
large-print People magazine.

Sorry. Of course
you did. All right.

See what he does here.

Effem having a little
bit of trouble. Oh!

And he is down! What a shame!

Please take me back!

And here's Maggie Ray, the
delusional wife of David Letterman.

Yeah, the little bird
trapped in her frontal lobe

told her he's cheating on her.

Indeed. She's crazy
in love with him.

At least that's according
to her prison psychiatrist.

Oh! A frontal lobotomy!

Ah, yes, Lambatomy,
the forbidden dance.

Right you are, Ken. And let's
go to our subdural replay cam.

Yeah, that magic bowling
ball came from the back

and to the left of our
book suppository building.

And she falls into
the grassy net.

You smelt it, you dealt it!

Up next, accomplished
actor, Charlie Spleen.

This young thespian
has done it all.

Yeah, hookers,
porn stars, rehab.

Good to see you've followed
his career. Yeah, I'm a big fan.

Of course, he and his wife
Denise have recently reconciled.

Give them five minutes.

[over P.A.] Hey,
Charlie! Hey! Look!

It's Ginger Lynn. Where?

[yells] [laughs]

Oh, and Spleen takes a
cheap shot to the head!

He's down to the net! Kenny, that
was completely unsportsmanlike.

Yeah, I know. And that's
our MXC Impact Replay.

When you walk the shaky
life path that Charlie walks,

you're bound to take more
than a couple of balls on the chin.

[chuckles] Ginger
Lynn. This is my helmet!

There are many like
it, but this one is mine!

And here, of course,
Shar Jackson,

Kevin Federslam's babies' mama.

Yeah, she was pregnant
with his second kid

when he ran off with
Britney and got her pregnant.

Shocking.

♪ Hit me, baby, one more time ♪

And it's nice to see the
Captain is getting his freak on.

Ready. He takes aim, and he
fires a golden orb! And we're off!

She takes a Federline
drive to the head!

Knocked up and knocked
down! Let's see that again, Ken.

I can't feel my eyes.

Oh, my God! She's an
illegitimate mother of two.

Hasn't she put out with
enough? You would think so.

Hey, I love my job!

And here's comedy acting
coach Lee Stressberg.

Yeah, he helps cheating husbands

to act all innocent and stuff.

I teach method lying. [laughs]

Lee's taught some of
the greatest cheats to lie...

Brando, Walken, De
Niro, Nicholson. Clinton.

Mr. Stressberg has also
invented such classic excuses

as "She meant nothing to me,"

and "I was thinking of
only you the whole time."

Yeah, and my favorite... "I did
not have sex with that fat chick."

Ah, good one, Ken. Oh! Just
like Stressberg's students,

he, too, is walking
a tightrope, Ken.

Hey, Vic, what are some of the
lines your ex-wives used on you?

Well, Ken, it's not something
I usually like to think about,

but one does play constantly
in my brain like a rusty Victrola...

"Neither of these men
meant anything to me."

And it looks like Stressberg's gone
all the way and gets away with it!

[jeering]

I'll "moidelize" ya.
Why, I oughta...

Next up, it's Valerie Velari,

former wife of the alleged
funnyman Robin Williams,

who left her for
the kid's nanny.

So Mork from Ork
gave her the pork, huh?

Well, apparently, Ken, and
she still hasn't forgiven him.

For cheating? No.
For Patch Adams.

Who could? Right you are, Ken.

And there's the
golden orb. [yells]

She places it firmly on her hip.

And starts to move
down the path.

You can see... Oh,
Good Morning, Vietnam!

She took a shot
there, Ken! [laughs]

Danny Glands and his
little guys really taking aim.

Yeah, when in doubt,
fire. Right you are!

Oh, and shazbot!
She's down into the net!

What a shame. Look at
Danny Glands and the guys

doing a little
celebratory Jumanji jig.

And with that, the
Cheating Brads score again

and win it all, six to five.

Well, nice to enjoy
the fruits of victory.

Yeah, let's see how things turned out
for Tom and Heidi. Hey, my fork broke.

Well, apparently they are
working things out, Ken.

You're the best. Do it again. Are you
done yet? I love you! Don't look at me!

Ah, magical.

It's time for Kenny
Blankenship's

Painful Eliminations of the day!

Starting at number 10,
paparazzi Len Minolta

takes a bad shot to his tripod.

Hope he's wearing a lens cap.

At number 9, just a love
nest Realtor, Coldwell Banger,

who ran out of real estate
and foreclosed on himself.

And number 8 goes
to Spice Girl Lush,

who's in her C-cups
and into the drink.

[British accent] Hello, hello.

That was British.

At number 7, our
very own MC Geemer,

who proves that
white men can't jump

or rap.

Boyyy!

And number 6 goes to Britney's

hubby's ex, Shar Jackson,

who goes from the maternity ward

to the emergency ward.

And number 5 has
to go to Brad Splitt,

who takes a leap
of unfaithfulness

faster than you can
say, "What prenup?"

And number 4 goes
to Charlie Spleen,

who ought to be
good at Hand Job,

but winds up getting
the back of her hand.

And number 3 goes to shafted
wife makeover expert Richard Puller,

whose back porch is gonna
need an extreme makeover.

The 2wo spot goes
to Jiltifer Aniston,

whose life is turned upside-down

but will surely snap back.

I mean, snap her back.

And my Most Painful
Elimination of the Day

goes to king of the
cheaters, Charlie Spleen,

who gets another spot
just for being himself.

Sure we took a few shots at him,

but he deserves it. [yelling]

Go, Ken. Remember,
cheaters never prosper.

Divorce lawyers do.
What do we always say?

[all] Don't get eliminated!

Always the bridesmaid,
never the groom.

Poor Guy.

[yelling]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA