Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - James Bond vs. Country Music - full transcript

It's Rednecks and Black Ops as Country music takes on the World of James Bond. It's the classic battle of Nashvillians vs. The License to Killians. Games - Endangering Species, Boulder Dash, Elimination Idol, and Pole Riders.

[Announcer] Get
fired up for MXC,

the world's most toughest
competition in town!

Today, it's red
necks and black ops

as Country Music takes
on the world of James Bond.

It's a classic battle
of Nashvillians

versus the license to killians!

And now here's two guys
to live and let die for...

[both grunting]

Kenny, I don't
know how I let you

talk me into climbing
into the balcony

at the Grand Old Opry. Ow!



Yeah, sorry about
that. Look out. Ow!

Here. Let me help
you. Watch it. Watch it.

Watch it. Uhh!

Uh... Uh, Kenny,
what are you doing?

You're standing in
midair! Oh. Yeah.

Get on the ladder
and get up here.

Ha ha! Those Dixie chicks
are lookin' up my pant leg.

Ha ha ha! Kenny, we've
got a great show today.

Country Music... Look at
all the fans down there...

going up against the
world of James Bond.

Yeah. Counter-espionage
and secret agents.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Look at all the bondage girls

down there, too.
Oh, yes. I saw that.

Yeah, they're right
down there. Ha ha ha!



Kenny, where would
the free world be

without 007, huh?
Watch and learn. Ow! Ha.

[Both] Hello. We're
both secret agents.

I'm 008.

I'm 009.

And we're available for
your children's parties.

Yeah. Birthdays, bar
mitzvahs, or christening.

Give us a call. 555... 0007.

Kids' parties. Ha ha ha.

And let's not forget the valuable
contribution of country music.

♪♪ [country music, instrumental]

Uh, Guy here...

Your country cow
poker/ international spy

with my secret decoder

complete with a micro cow chip

cleverly disguised
as a backstage pass

to the Brooks & Dunn
concert. Heh heh heh.

Today's emission begins
with Endangering Species.

We get country rock
with Boulder Dash.

Sing a new tune with a
country-fied Elimination Idol.

And stick it to them
with Pole Riders.

My micro cow chip is
steaming with a cryptic message

even I can't read. [chuckles]

Skipper.

Who thinks James Bond

is a Machiavellian misogynist

pretending to protect
God and country

while serving his
prurient desires?

Show of hands... now!

[cheering]

Well, you're absolutely...

wrong! Just because
you save the world

while remaining
perfectly groomed

and you can have any
woman that crosses your path

doesn't make you
a callused hedonist.

Well, take this
future Bond girl.

If I was 007, by this time,

we'd be enjoying a
post-coital smoke. [chuckles]

Am I right?

Uh, nice legs.

For your thighs only.

Hmm? Are you a
Bond girl? Stand up.

No. I'm Rebar McEntire.

[loud chuckling]

Well, maybe you'd like
to accompany the Captain

to a Bond movie,
huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is that tobacco
you're chewing? Yeah.

Oh, you're outta here.
Ohh! Eww. Disgusting.

Let that be a
lesson to all of you!

Mmm. Let's go!

[cheering]

[Vic] And it's time for
Endangering Species,

the game where... it... What?

[cheering, shouting, laughing]

[Girl] Look out!

Kenny, how did all those
people get back here?

Uh... what people?

In this game, we take
endangered animals

and push them over
the brink of extinction

with a smooth board
Habitrail. [whistle]

God bless the USA!

And from Capitalized
Records, it's Toby Thief!

Yeah. After national disasters,

he's always the
first to clean up.

Heck, yeah, cash in on
other people's misery.

I call it enterprise.

Yeah, he's releasing
some more disaster hits like

Run Around Tsunami,
Katrina Blows,

and Dueling Talabanjos.

Ah, good to know, and
Toby's locked and loaded,

and he fires on the giortoise.

Oh! Half giraffe, half tortoise.

Oh, and a direct
hit! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!

How's that, giortoise?

All right, let's
take another look.

Kenny, what are you...
Kenny, where are you going?

You can't leave the
booth. I'll be right back.

Kenny, get back here!
Well, that closes the books

on the rare,
one-of-a-kind giortoise.

I shot the bucket.

[Vic] And here, the
original James Bond...

Sean Gunnery, the secret
agent oozing with charm.

After a brief stint in Her
Majesty's secret cervix,

he was discharged... Look at me.

Oh, God. Kenny! Here I am.

Well, this is the first time

I've ever pulled for a
contestant. Ah. A beaver.

Go, Sean! Take his head off!

Aah! Yes! Ha ha ha!

Go, Rush!

Aahh... I suck. Uhh. Uhh.

Why even try?

[Vic] And up next... country
wannabe Brad Posily!

[Ken] I'm back. [panting]
And that guy's not country.

He's never ridden in the
back of a pickup truck.

[cannon fires] He doesn't
drink, and his wife never left him.

Well, maybe not, but
I'll bet he looks good

in a one-piece
denim leisure suit.

Brad aims and
fires at the lionesum.

[growling] [cannon fires]

Reloading. Fires. Oh!
Barely misses, Ken.

Yeah, it's our job here at
MXC to protect extinct animals.

That's true, Ken. Extinct
animals are a precious resource.

Ohh! Ohh... And there you see...

Oh, and time begins to run out.

And one more
shot, and that's it!

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

Take us through it,
Ken. Yeah, right there.

You can see Brad
Posily's lack of talent

does not stop him
from having a huge hit.

Why are all the Bonds white?

[Vic] And last up for the
Bonds, it's Ursula Undress

from Dr. No Means No.

Kenny, where are you going now?

Here I am.

And of course, who can forget

that famous scene when
Ursula emerged from the water

like Botticelli's
Venus? [chuckles]

Oh. Here's Kenny's
notes. Let's see.

Uh, "Don't forget to
mention she was wearing

"that big ol' granny bikini
and a humongous belt.

"It had a couple
of conch shells.

Ha. I said conch." Got you!

Oh, and it looks like Ursula

has nailed that
squirrelly beaver.

So after one round, the
Bond team takes the lead.

Let's go down to Guy with Kenny.

Yeah, I was
thinkin' this could be

the new James
Bond beaver disguise.

You stick your whole
head inside the beaver...

[laughter]

That's very clever.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm Daniel Craig,

the new blond Bond.

Oh, you are? And what happens

when you pet the beaver?

It excretes a deadly odor.

Oh, ha ha ha!
What's it smell like?

Uh, chicken. Ew.

Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

get ready to duck or die.

Ha ha! Got it, cheap seat?

[Announcer] MXC is back

with big country hair

takin' on the suave
and debonair.

Whoop-ah!

Kenny, who are
you supposed to be?

I'm 00 Heaven.

Look at the lipstick on my face.

Kenny, you know, being a
spy is not all about kissing.

Yeah, chicks can't resist me.
Check out my cool look. Ha ha.

Kenny, it's not just
about looking good.

You gotta be
counter-intelligent. Yes.

You gotta have a whole range

of espionage skills and tactics.

Yeah, like French-kissing
foreign chicks.

There's more to it
than just that. There is?

What if you had to fly a plane

while wrestling a
seven-foot assassin?

Uh... I'd change
my flight. Ha ha.

And it's time for Boulder Dash.

Run up the chute and
pass several stones

without being
painfully eliminated.

The Country stars
will go up first.

Meet me at the Velvet Saddle!

Here's country superstar, the
next Mr. Zellweger, Kenny Gisney.

Yeah, I hear that guy's
light in his Tony Lamas.

Can't a fellow wear some
chaps and a mesh halter top

and not be considered gay?

Uh, no. Right you are.

Let's see what Gisney does here.

Oh! Oh! He manages
to get past the first stone.

Making his way up!

Aaahh! And... Oh, he is down!

Aah! Aah! And Gisney is spread

all over that chute, Ken.

Ha ha. He is down and out.

He's lookin' a little
saddle-sore now, eh?

Next up... Oh, kids,
get off my lawn.

And up next, Bond number two!

It's a suave and
debonair Codger Moore.

Yeah, he's old.
He's like, uh, 00 70.

Well, he is quite
venerated, though, Ken.

Hell, he's still
old. Right you are.

He likes his creamed
corn shaken, not stirred.

Indeed. It looks like Moore
still has those cat-like moves

as he passes a
couple of the stones.

Yeah. I hear he's comin'
back in another Bond movie

called Octogenarian Pussy. Ohh!

Right you are, Ken.
Oh, and he is down!

Ha ha! 007 is now 00 No.

Definitely moonraked over the
coals. Let's take another look.

Yeah, you can see the
terror in his face right there

as he gets hit in the shoulder
and dislocates his hip.

Ha ha. He's fallen
and can't get up.

I think he broke his
clapper. Right you are.

I can hear his Medic
Alert bracelet from here.

Wow. He's still falling.

I think he's decomposing.

Here you go.

No, I sat on a candy bar, okay?

And here is supersized
country diva Wynona Jugg.

[rumbling] Yeah,
She's really gotten big.

Well, she's had
a lot to overcome

on the rocky road to success...

Drunk driving charges, drugs,

an incurable eating disorder.

And even worser...
Listening to her mom sing.

Right you are,
Ken. That is brutal.

Yeah. She's totally the
black cow of the family.

Indeed. And it looks like
she's into the safety slit there

as two boulders go by. Yeah.
She thinks they're giant meatballs.

Ha ha. Yaahh!

Oh, man. A stone got lodged
in one of her cellulite dimples.

Right you are, Ken.
Let's go down to Geek.

I'm so excited! I'm such
a big fan of your big fanny!

Stop that, now. Ohh...

Maybe we could get
together later for dinner.

Oh, no, I can't. I'm takin'
the band to Hometown Buffet.

It's all-you-can-eat
gravy night! Ooh-hoo!

Hey, I spy for food!

And up next is Bond
number five... Pierce Brontsky,

who was unceremoniously
dismissed by the producers.

Yeah, they gave him
a big Bond fire. Ohh!

Right you are. Oh, and
Brontsky gets rattled

by that
over-the-shoulder boulder.

Oh, man. Oh!
Thank God it's over.

Oh, the humanity!

Yes. Let's see it
again. Aah! Uhh!

And let's take
another look at that.

You can see right there the
run appears to be over. Yeah.

But Brontsky has the fortitude

and gumption to
stay the course...

Aah! pathetically
burying his face

between a couple of boulders.

Yeah. And then we get to
crush the rest of his skull.

Right you are. Ha ha.

Ohh! Aah!

Here you go.

These aren't my pants!

And up next... pound
for pound, the biggest

star in country music...
Mr. Girth Brooks.

Yeah, chicks dig him
until they lift his shirt

and see his thunder
rolls. Right you are.

But the ladies still
flock to him, Ken. Yeah.

I'm gonna get fat
so I can get flocked.

Ah, there you go.
Oh! And he's down!

Man, he got totally flocked up.

Right you are, Ken, as
he tumbles down the chute.

Also in incredible pain, his
pithy alter ego Chris Gainsalot.

Ha ha. That is our
MXC Impact Replay.

Girth, the kind of guy who likes
to grab the boulder by the horn.

Yeah, and it crushed every
bone in that pie wagon's body.

Right you are, Ken.

I lost my wallet!

And here's the inventor
of Bond's gadgets... Q.

You know what I'd invent?
Like, exploding toilet paper

or bulletproof
contact lenses. Ah.

What would you invent,
Vic? I don't know, Ken.

Looks like all the good
ones are taken, thanks to you.

Ha ha. Yeah. There he goes,

making his way up the
chute. Let's see what he does.

Oh, Q is down! He
should've used his ejector seat

and shot himself out of there.

I was on the grassy
knoll! Whoo-hoo!

Up next, a man with 50
number-one hits... George Straighter.

Instead of Kenny Gisney, Renée Zellweger
should've married George Straighter.

Right you are. Of course, it was
just about a physical relationship.

She might've been
better off with Clint Black.

Ahh... Clint Black.

And you see... George
moving up nicely up the chute,

avoiding the boulders.
He looks pooped.

Whoo-hoo! And he's made it!

And George Straighter
delivers again for Country Music,

and we're all tied up 2-2.

Okay, Agent 00 Heaven,
you ready for your mission?

Yeah. Where are the chicks?

Now, you're in eastern Europe.

Like Trashcanistan?

Right. And you're surrounded

by Trashcanistani spies.

And they're firing at you.

How do you
escape? I jump on this

secret stealth Black
Hawk helicopter thing

I got on eBay.
And it takes me...

It drops me off at
the White house,

where I make out
with the Bush twins.

Kenny! You're losing altitude,
Ken. What do you do now?

Uh... Ow! Black Hawk, down!

Black Hawk, down!
Hang on, Kenny!

You're saving the
world! Use your secret

high-tech spy slacks!

I can't! I just filled 'em!

Help me, Mr. Wizard!

I don't want to be a spy!

[Announcer] Don't go away

'cause when MXC returns,

you'll be singin' a new tune.

[chuckles] Got it, pitch pipe?

[Announcer] MXC is back

as America's Country Singers

take on Britain's
♪ Gold Fingers ♪

[chuckles] Nice.

So, Kenny, still want
to be a secret agent?

What? I can't hear
what you're sayin'.

What? All those
explosions made me deaf.

I can't hear anything.
Oh, you can't?

What? Hey.

Homo says what? What? Ha ha!

I always wanted to
do that to you. What?

[Man] It's time for
Elimination Idol,

country edition!

I'm Ryan Seachest.

Tonight, four
talented challengers

will belt out their
favorite country tune,

either scoring big points

or getting thrown
out on their tin ear.

And now let's meet
our first contestant...

Shania Twang!

[Vic] And, of course,
everything Shania releases

goes straight to the top,
Ken. Yeah. If I was her,

I'd have all my gold
records bronzed.

Ah, good idea. And for
those of you watching at home,

please feel free to sing
along to these country classics.

All right, come on.
♪♪ [slows to stop]

It looks like Shania's getting
a little roughed up there.

That's a shame. I actually
have that 8-track in the Matador.

I enjoy that song.

8-track.

And here's Timothy B. Dalton,

the bookish, serious James Bond.

He was more like James Bland.

Remember, he drove a Ford Taurus

and drank near
beer and just wanted

to be friends with
the Bond chicks.

Here we go. Yes, he was

a dark, brooding-
yet-virtuous Bond.

Ha ha.

What the hell?

Oh, it looks like the
book on B. Dalton

has been closed, Ken. Don't
ever sing like that again, ever!

Ever! And we can see

as Randy's Johnson
kicks him to the curb.

And next up... Hmm?

Country music
Hall-of-Flamer... Oh, I'm sorry.

Wrong place. You're an idiot.

Just kidding.

He, of course, the first openly

African-American country singer.

Yeah. One of his
biggest hits was

"There's a Little
Bit of Hank on Me."

Ah. Popular tune. Yes.

How does a black guy
get into country music?

Steel guitar?

Well, why doesn't
he just pay for it?

No, Kenny, he play...
Come on, everyone.

Forget it. Just listen.

Yee-haw!

Whoo! Oh, it's kinda bouncy.

How 'bout you... Oh! Oh!

Oh! [Vic] Uh-oh.

Oh. Uh...

[Ken] Grabbed his
Johnson. All right, let's go.

[Vic] It is. Come on.

That is it for
Mr. Gay-Pride. Shut up!

Ooh! Go wait in my car.

[Vic] And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.

Yeah. I'll bet when
he was growing up,

he wanted to be Reba McEntire.

I think he is Reba
McEntire, Ken.

Whoa! Ohh!

And next up for the Bondos,

it's Christopher Walkman. Nice.

He played the nemesis
Max Zorin in A View to a Kill.

He's creepy. I like him. Okay!

Okay.

Okay.

Ah, the velvety, dulcet
tones of Mr. Walkman.

Yeah. He kicked the crap
out of those [bleep] kickers.

Right you are. Well, Bond's evil
Max Zorin can't take over the world,

but he does take over this game,

and the Bonders are ahead 3-2.

Uh, Kenny, who's
that guy behind you?

It's a demon from hell.

You mean the Grim
Reaper? Yeah, yeah.

He says he wants
to trade his cake

for the soul of Billy Ray Cyrus.

What kind of cake is it?

Uh, achy-breaky
cake, I think. Oh.

[sinister whispering]
Actually, it's devil's food.

Ha ha! Reaper.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

straighten your staff. Ha ha.

Or you'll be a stick in the mud.

Watch it, slip valve.

[Announcer] MXC is back

for the final battle

between Country Music and 007s.

It's square dance callers

versus Thunderballers.

So! I see you're done

with the whole spy thing.

You want to be a
singing cowboy, eh?

Got your half-gallon
hat and your...

Ready to ride a
real bucking bronco.

Too bad I left my spurs
at some chick's house.

Oh, a little jingle
jangle jingle, eh?

Yeah. Wow. Ha ha ha ha.

That's a big
horse. Indeed it is.

Yeah. I'm gonna mount him.

All righty.

Ha ha. Ah.

There you go. Ohh!

Aahh, my nuts!
Ohh... All right, Ken.

Start singing, cowboy. Ohh!

Ohh! ♪ I... I'm an old cowhand ♪

♪ Happy trails ♪

♪ Raw-h-hide ♪

Uhh! Uhh! Ohh! Help me! Ohh!

But your... your chaps
are dangling, Ken.

Help me, Mr. Wizard! I don't
wanna be a country singer!

[Announcer] It's
time for Pole Riders!

Firmly grip the head of the shaft
and go from one end to the other

without getting wet. Here's
country funnyman Dwight Jokem.

Please take my wife!
Yeah, I love his joke

"Two Jewish Cowboys
Walk into a Bar."

Ooohh! Right you are.
Let's see what he does.

Ohhh! What's wrong? Whoo!

Well, everyone knows
there's no Jewish cowboys,

and he fell pretty
hard, Ken. Oh.

You haven't
mentioned Moneypenny.

And next up for 007s,
it's Michael Milken.

Yeah, he was the junk Bond.

Right you are, and the
bottom fell out of that market.

And he crashes into
our septic sludge.

Don't call my music slop!

And here's the father of
New Age country, Yanni Cash!

Yeah, he plays that music you hear
when you're fartin' in the elevator.

Ohh! And he certainly
whiffed that one, Ken.

Heh heh.

I should've taken the plane!

And here's Bond villain
Herve Villacheese! Ooh!

His career was
cut tragically short.

Right you are, Ken. Ha ha.

And next up... Tim McGrowl.

[farts] Whoo!
Anybody got a match?

He, of course, squeezes
out one hit after another

and is married to Faith Hill.

I'd like to climb
on top of that Hill.

Ohh! Right you are. Ohh!

And he's down, and that
is our MXC Impact Replay.

Yeah. Look here, Vic.
McGrowl clenches up,

loses control, and
hits the water hard,

smearin' himself all
over the rim. Indeed.

Bond girls are
tarts! And next up...

The anatomically and
politically correct Bond girl

Mommy Region Galore.

Ohh! Ohh! Aah!

It's a shame. I
like the old Pussy.

Ahh, don't we all, Ken.
Let's see that again.

Yeah, they're also changing
Bond's arch-enemy Blofeld

to Oral Flavorfeld.
Oh, all this PC stuff

leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

So, does it bother you when
I grab your arm like that?

No, not really. How about now?

Nope. Still doesn't hurt.

How about now?

Okay, yeah, it
does hurt a little bit.

Would you like me to get off
your foot? Yes. It's crushed.

Oh. Uh-huh. Oh.

On the roach again.

And next up... country
legend Weedie Nelson.

That guy's a total
stoner. Right you are.

♪ You always fried my mind ♪

Ohh! Let's take
another look at that, Ken.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, right here, Vic.

I think he's tryin'
to smoke the pole.

Right you are, and led him
right to the Grim Reaper.

Ha ha!

Did you see Ray? [Girl] Yeah.

Next up, Dusty Ramos,
Sean Connery's body double,

famous for his hairless
derriere. Oooohh!

Ooh! Wouldn't that
make him a booty double?

I think you might be right, Ken.

That was indeed a close shave

as he ends up in the
septic sludge. Whoa!

And here's Brook Dunn.

I'm a voting machine.

Manager of the new right wing
singing group The Country Publicans.

Hey... Ohh!

Isn't Ann Coulter a
Country Publican?

Ah, one of the biggest, Ken.

Ha ha. She's hot.

Indeed. Uh-huh.

Ohh... I eat metal!

And this, of course,

Bond supervillain Nobjob.

Yeah, he rips his hat off
and rims people with it.

Oh, he pulls off some
fancy haberdashery there

as Nob gets the job done
for the Bonders! Ha ha.

My daddy's real fun!

And next... the lady
who always dreamed

of seeing her name in
headlights, it's Dolly Pardon.

She's always had big hits.

And they keep getting
bigger and bigger.

Ohh! Oh, and it looks like they
threw her off her equilibrium.

Ha. I'm gettin' Dolly wood.

So, thanks to Nob Job, the
Bonds complete their mission

and take the gold finger 4-2.

Yeah. Well, once again, Ken,

goodness has prevailed,
and the world is safe,

Yeah, I'm hookin' up with
Faith Hill and Shania Twain.

What are you gonna
do? Oh, I'm gonna take

a Pilates class
with Lyle Lovett.

Would you like to join us?

Homo says what? What?

Oh, you bastard.

It's time for...

And startin' out at number 10,

it's square prancer
Charlie Gay-Pride.

♪ Swing your life
partner round and round ♪

Go wait in my car. Ha ha.

And number 9 goes
to Weedy Nelson

who does a 360...
No, maybe a 420,

and his grass is grass.

And number 8 goes to
Bond girl Ursula Undresse,

who was really
hard on that beaver.

She gave it a brutal pelting
and didn't muff one shot.

And flying in in 007, it's
me, Kenny Blankbond.

The stupid copter never
got me high enough

for me to open my
union jack parachute.

And number 6 goes to Bond
body double Dusty Ramos,

who golden-eyes his mark and
lands in our golden shower water.

And number 5 goes
to Codger Moore,

who's gonna need
a hip replacement

after he bonds with
this boulder. Ohh!

And number 4: Country
Music's Tim McGrowl,

who has a number-one
hit right here.

Somebody, bury
him with his boots on.

And number 3 goes to
superfat superstar Girth Brooks,

who tries to eat his boulder,

but it just makes
stone soup out of him.

And number 2 goes to
country agent Brook Dunn,

who overshoots his mark,
and he is now Broke Dunn.

Ohh!

And my most painful
elimination of the day

goes to... Pierce Brontsky,

who takes a
thunderball to the head,

gets crushed by a huge stone,

and probably won't
live to die another day.

Well, another great show.
Why don't you take us out, Ken?

No. Okay.

What do we always say?

Don't get eliminated!

Homo says what?

Come on, do it. Homo says what?

Oh, great.

Doesn't work when I do it.

Jenny, homo
says... Oh, forget it.

I've done it a million
times anyways.

♪♪ [parody of Bond theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA