Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Las Vegas vs. Sesame Street - full transcript

[Narrator] Get fired up for MXC,

the world's most toughest
competition in town.

Today, it's a
high-stakes gamble,

as the glitz and glamour
of Las Vegas takes on

the stitches and feathers
of Sesame Street.

It's a classic battle of
big bets versus big birds.

And now, our very
own puppet heads,

Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano.

Yes! Ha ha. Woo-hoo.

Ah, great show
today. It's Vegas, baby.

Yeah, and a bunch
of stupid kids' shows.



Kenny, children's shows
are a television staple.

You can learn a lot from these
shows. Surely you've learned

from Sesame Street,
the Muppets, you know,

Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, the
delightful Miss Piggy. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all they do is try
and teach you stuff, though.

Well, of course, Kenny.
These are valuable lessons

that you could use
for the rest of your life.

Like aces beats kings?

Numbers and letters
are very important.

Yeah, like 4 times
2 is 8 the hard way.

Ah, which reminds me of another
man who likes to play eight the hard way.

Take it, Guy. [laughs] Guy.

Guy here. Today's
show is a jackpot.

In fact, it's our
ace in the hole.



You know, as a boy,
I was a Sesame geek.

I even played with
my own hand puppet

till I was nearly blind.

Today's gaming
begins with Cruelette.

We swing into Wall
Bugger, Family Edition.

Watch your back, it's
Big Bird Droppings!

And try not to get wiped
out for Sinkers and Floaters.

Hey, look, it's Dodo
the Doo Doo bird.

What are you doing, huh?

I'm eating squab.
That's adorable.

Here comes an even
bigger Doo Doo Dodo.

Hey, that's my wife
you're chowing on.

Give me some of
that. Mm, she's not bad.

Your wife has great legs.
Personally, I'm a breast man. Captain?

Question. How many think shows like
Sesame Street are a valuable learning tool,

preparing our children
for tomorrow's challenges?

Show of hands now!

[cheers] Well, you're wrong.

PBS is nothing but a propaganda
machine... [fireworks explode]

promoting the gay agenda.

You, attention hog. Clearly,
you're a pathetic product

of the aforementioned
shows. [explodes]

See, there he goes again!

Know what I'm saying?
Loveable characters,

numbers, letters,
and excessive literacy

are subverting our moral code.

Don't you gentlemen
agree with the Captain?

You, go ahead. Well, actually...

I've heard enough! What
about you, over there? Uh, well...

My point exactly. You there, with the
stained cardigan, what's your story?

Well, I'm a meat
carver at the Rio buffet.

[laughs] I had the pork
cutlets. They are marvelous.

And the kielbasa at the
sausage bar is unsurpassed.

What's your secret? It's
all marinated in pineapple.

Oh, I knew it! I knew it.

You know you've had a good
meal when you get the meat sweats.

All right, fantastic.

Let's go!

[Vic] And it's time for the
meanest game in Vegas, Cruellete.

For more information,
here's Danny Glands.

Hey. In this game,
we spin the wheel

and you pray your
number doesn't come up.

Now, girls, give me some sugar.

Girlfriends? Oh, yeah.

Ugh, you got
kissed by a girl. Ew.

Get it on.

Of course, the
contestants must dig deep

into the ashes of the
legendary Rat Pack,

sifting through their
cremated remains,

grab a numbered
and colored chip,

and place it on the corresponding
spot on the Cruelette board.

Then they desperately hope
their number does not come up,

'cause if it does, they
pay the ultimate price.

[Ken] What do we do, kill them?

Oh, much worse,
Ken. They'll be forced

to sit in on the front row at
Celine Dion's nightly show.

Wow, no wonder
it's called Cruelette.

I'd rather sink on the Titanic
than listen to her sing about it.

Right you are, and there's
puppeteer Jan Hanson.

Yeah, he's been fingering
puppets since he was a kid.

Indeed. And there, of course,
almost funny lady Rita Redner. Hi.

It's a couple of performers
from the new Nip/Tuck on Ice.

Right you are. And
there, of course,

Sesame Street liquor
store owner Miss Alkie.

Yeah, she teaches you
"D" words like DTs and DUI.

Oh, and it looks like
Guy's getting roughed up

by Sydney Belbor
from the all-male revue

Brown Thunder from Down Under.

Wow, I wonder what happened.
Let's take another look.

That is our MXC Impact Replay.

It appears that Syd is in
some kind of homicidal rage

due to the Celine Dion music.

I think Guy likes it.

Turn it off before he kills me!

And there, of course,
Danny Glands at the wheel,

and let's see there... Wow, not a
lot of man muscle behind that spin.

Hah. There of course
back to the action,

Sesame Street
regular Mr. Mailbag.

Good to see he's
not holding his sack.

And there's Party at the
Palm's Jenna McCartney.

Yeah, she and her girlfriends
are the hottest posse in town.

And the loosest slots. Ha ha.

And there the wheel has stopped,
and it's on black number 2, Ken.

So anyone with that chip
will be horribly tortured

by the dulcet tones of
Celine Dion, you can see

a couple of the Vegas
ladies going down

with nothing to show
for their black number 2.

Wow, if they have black number
two, they should see a doctor.

Hey, look, that guy's
cheating. He killed himself.

And there, of course, Circus Circus
balloon artist John Wayne Bobbitt,

holding his little red winner.

Yeah, it seems at
the Cachinga Casino,

the reds are always
keeping the blacks down.

Right you are, they might want
to check the bias on that wheel.

Ha. Captain?

Question. Who wants
to deport Celine Dion?

[All] We do!

Well, no surprise to anyone,

Las Vegas gambles and wins.

And the payoff... Vegas
1, Sesame Street none.

Ha ha. Huh, another
excellent game, Ken.

Yeah. What just happened?

Oh, it's very simple,
Ken. I'll explain.

You got a ball and a wheel
and you place your bets,

and it's all based on
the law of probability.

Unless you want to
play the come line.

No, Kenny, that's
craps. Different game.

We're talking about
evens, odds, blacks, reds.

Got it? Forget it. Cocktails.

When MXC returns,
it's time to swing a little.

[laughs] Got it, snake eyes?

[Announcer] MXC is
back for more slot tourneys

versus Berts and Ernies.

Kenny, who was your favorite
character on Sesame Street?

I like the spitting maggots.

Ah. Personally, I was a big fan
of those fastidious and impeccable

lifetime confirmed
bachelors, Ert and Bernie.

Yeah, two 40-year-old bachelors living
together in a one-bedroom apartment.

Those guys over there
do a great impression.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, do it. Oh, great.
Can we get them to try it out?

Yeah, yeah, they're right
on the nose. Oh, good.

I'm Ert. I'm Bernie.

Want to take a bath together?

Bring the rubber ducky?

Oh, who made bubbles?

[crowd laughs]

[Vic] Oh, I see.

It's time for Wall
Buggers Family Edition.

And now, here's Dumb DeLouis

to tell us about
today's septic sludge.

It's cheek squeezings
from the Sure Shot ride

at the top of the Stratosphere.

And remember, what sprays
in Vegas stays in Vegas.

[laughs]

Get it on.

And first up, it's Polly Scooper
and her mom, Miss Scooper.

They, of course, change the
newspapers in Big Bird's cage.

For the love of God, do it so we
can get your daddy a new liver!

She has "P" on her
shirt. That's right, Ken.

Come on, baby!

There we go, let's see
how this works out. Oh!

Oh, and she and her
fine chances are sunk.

Say goodbye to Daddy.

What a shame. And
here, little Martin Lewis

and of course his dad Jerry.

Remember, I'm really
big with the French.

I didn't know Jerry had kids.

Jerry's kids are all over the
place. Let's see what happens here.

Oh, and Martin sticks it, so chalk
one up for the Vegas team, Ken.

I told you to hang on!

I'd pledge 50 bucks to get
him down. Right you are.

Seems like they're holding
their own telethon there.

And next up, it's Eddie
Maholka and his dad Dave.

Dave, of course, plays
the announcer Guy Smalley

because he's good enough, smart
enough, and darn it, people like him.

Yeah, too bad his kid
doesn't take after him.

Oh, right you are.

And here, of course,
little tycoon Stevie Wynn.

His dad is the man
who reinvented Vegas.

I hear he's going blind. Probably
from using his own one-armed bandit.

Let's see what he does. Oh! He
was up there, but not for long, Ken.

Wow. I knew we could
break Wynn. I'm sorry, Dad!

Let's see that again.

Wynn does a front-mounted Mirage

and goes into a
Bellagio backsplash.

What a shame.

And up next, it's Harley Maitland
and her mom, Linda the deaf librarian.

Yeah, she has to read
books on tape. Right you are.

And as you can see, her
kid screams with delight.

Unfortunately, Linda will
never be able to hear it.

Up next, Peter and his
mom, showgirl Fluff LeCoke.

This is probably not
the best time to tell you,

but really, you're not my son.

I'm not a boy.

I heard she ran into another
showgirl onstage and got all busted up.

Good thing their airbags
were already inflated. Oh! Oh!

And he gets slammed, Ken.
LeCoke is flat and in the drink.

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

Yeah, this little turd
dropper smacks his face,

breaks his nose, and his
mother has no insurance,

and we're laughing
about it. Let's go to Guy.

Why are you crying?

'Cause my mommy dances naked.

But that is your job, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but he's mad
because I do it at the PTA.

We have a nude bake sale. Oh oh oh.
Maybe I could sample your cupcakes.

Yeah, sure. We also
have a topless car wash

and a 5K thongathon. Oh oh oh,
would you like to see my starting pistol?

And up next for Sesame Street...

What's your name?
It's me, Dad, Bobby.

And of course his dad plays
cowboy Forgetful Jones in... Oh!

That kid is down and
forgotten. What kid?

Hah! And here's Mikey Brown.

What's the number for 911?

And that, of course, is
mom Michelle Brown,

a paramedic from the geriatric
all-suites hotel Ceasar's Palace.

Yeah, they serve an
incontinental breakfast,

and headlining is
the Blue Hair Group.

I'm scared.

Don't be a wuss, mija.

And up next, it's Gabby
and her mom Maria,

whose baby's daddy is Louis.

Yeah, being a single
mom and losing her job,

she became a
Sesame Streetperson.

Right you are. Poor Gabby,

always torn between
her mother and her father,

who's in the hoosegow
for pushing H and... Oh!

We put her in the W column, Ken.

And here's the
famous poker family,

the Dukers. I'm
betting on you, honey.

Fanny Duker, famously known
as the queen of the royal flush.

And there, of course, her
daughter, little Duker. Oh!

There's the flop, the turn,
and she's in the river. Ha.

So that round is a push
as both teams score twice.

Vegas hangs onto
the lead, 3 to 2.

Yeah. Ha ha.

So, Kenny, you arrive in Vegas.

Open the door to the casino,
and what's the first thing you do?

Learn to count cards?
What are you, crazy?

Run afoul of the powers that be?

They'll grab you by the hair,
they'll jostle you into submission.

Take your head and shove
it in the change machine.

Stomp on my 'nards?
And that's just the Keno girl.

Coming up on MXC,
birds of a feather flock

in the privacy of
their own room.

Got it, frog jockey?

[Announcer] MXC is back
as the Ocean's Elevens

take on the counting to sevens.

You know, Ken, Vegas isn't
just gambling and free booze.

Yeah, there's strippers.

Yes, and there's... [farts]

Oh, sausage butt.

There's also some
good things. Like what?

Like Siegfried and Roy...
Oh, God, that's bad. Sorry.

I'm the rare white seal

at Siegfried and Roy's
secret animal husbandry lab.

It's time to mate with
the rare white lion

and make a white sea lion.

Oh, mate with you?

Don't I have anything
to say about this?

Come on, babe, bend over.

Oh, you're so rough with me.

Give it to me, liebchen.

Listen here, I don't date
outside my species. Whoa, sorry.

Hey, wait a minute,
what's with the helicopter?

I'm also a Navy SEAL. Oh.

You forgot your shoe.
Your shoe. Send it to me.

[Vic] It's time for
Big Bird Droppings.

Grab the bunny, snap its neck,
and try to feed the little pink peckers.

[Both] You'll take it on the chin
as we fire our big black balls.

Get it on. I hate
public television.

And first up, it's
Aaron Krzadiak,

creator of the popular adult
toy, French Tickle Me Elmo.

[Ken] Yeah, you strap on Elmo's
special hat for hours of pleasure.

And Krzadiak shows no talent
there, Ken, as he drops the bunny.

Yeah, and he's getting sprayed
by the brown mustard gas.

I think he may
have expired, Ken.

Yeah, the brown mustard totally
plucked him. Let's see that again.

You can see right there, Krzadiak
takes a high-velocity shot to the head.

Are those real feathers?
Of course they are, Ken.

The wings were plucked from the
newly discovered flightless bald eagle.

Ha.

Where the white chick's at.

[Vic] And here's Janice Muffin,

manager of the all-women's
resort hotel, Straponosphere.

Located at the south end of
the strip in beautiful Lez Vegas.

Oh, and inexplicably,
the rabbit dies.

She gets turkey basted with
the brown gas. Right you are.

Peppin' it up.

And up next, it's Dorothy
the fish's agent, Karen Levy.

She's from the talent agency
Troutberg, Bassman, and Carpstein.

Yeah, she said Dorothy the Fish

would no longer work for scale.

Oh, and it looks like Levy
successfully stuffed the little peckers.

Let's take another
look at that, Ken.

That was an excellent play.

Great talon work there.

Powerful thighs crush
the fuzzy little hare

and drop it safely
into the nest.

Salaam alaikum, gorgeous.

And from the Hard Iraq Hotel,
it's Babaganoush Streisand,

star of the sensually
lavish Jihad Jubilee.

I hear the show
has full facial nudity.

Right you are. Oh, and she gets
gassed and stoned to death, Ken.

Yeah, with the size of her beak,
those fumes must be killing her.

Right you are.

I don't want to do this.

And next up, Roy Jenkins, the
man behind Roscoe the Grouch.

You'd be grouchy, too, if
you had your nose stuck

to the rim of a
dirty can all day.

Four years at Yale Drama School,

and now I'm stuck
here doing this [bleep].

You know, Ken, there's
a small part of me

that identifies with
him 100 percent.

Ha. Oh, and he
misses the rabbit,

and it is back to
the can for Jenkins.

Yeah, he gets the taste of wood
and gets sprayed on his back.

Right you are.

¿Dónde están los banos?

And next up, it's
Vincente Trots,

head of P.R. at the
Mexicalibur Hotel.

Yeah, the only way to get
out is to swim across the moat.

Right you are. I do like the fact,
though, at the blackjack tables,

you get salsa with your
chips. Oh! Look at that.

That was one of the worst
flights I have ever seen.

They must have drank the water.

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

You know, at the Mexicalibur, if
you're a member of their slot club,

you have to show your
green player's card.

Oh, I believe they call
it the Hasta la Visa card.

Hah. [farts]

Vic, you blew again.

Oh, well, thanks for
embarrassing me.

I've got a frog in my throat.

Next up, Frank Coz,
the voice of Miss Piggy.

How did he create
that character?

I believe he was in Hawaii eating
some pig and it just came to him.

Oh! Oh, he was at a luau?

No, I think he was at the Hyatt.

Oh, it looks like
Coz porks that one.

So thanks to the effort
of fish agent Karen Levy,

the Sesame Streeters count
to three and it's all tied up.

Hey, Vic, you know what
they have now in Vegas?

Remote-controlled strippers.

They come to your room, and
you just grab the controller...

Ah, the controller, I see.
Yeah, and she starts dancing.

Ah, of course. And then she
grabs your controller and...

[laughs] starts tugging
at your extension cord,

is that what you're
going to say?

They're totally
wireless. Extension cord.

Well, I'm intrigued. So you're telling
me just with the simple push of a button,

you can control her and
get her to shimmy for you,

maybe dance, give her a little
kiss, or make a cup of coffee?

Brush your teeth.
Oh, stand by. [farts]

Agh! Guy here,
in the no-limit room

at the Bellagio casino,
playing high-stakes dominoes.

And believe me, I'm way up.

The fellow next to
me has lost his shirt.

Let's see if we can get
him to lose his pants as well.

Oh, oh, oh, I win!

What? Why, you...
Take your pants off.

Wait, hold on.

Stupid game. Get out of here.

When MXC returns,
it's time for Sinkers

and our floating crap
game. I mean, craps.

Oh, crap. I mean
craps. I mean...

[Announcer] MXC is back

for the final battle between
Vegas and Sesame Street.

It's casino mobsters
versus cookie monsters.

[Woman] A lonely farmer is
in love with an enchanted sow,

but does not know
how to tell her.

Deep in the Black Forest

lives an enchanted
half-man, half-pig

who gives him sage advice.

So what is the deal?
I am in love with a pig.

Let's swine dance. Oh la la.

Okay, enough. Pay attention.

The best way to a pig's
heart, between you and I,

is through her tenderloins.
Believe me, I know.

[laughs] She treats
me like I am pulled pork.

What should I do?

Show her your strength.

You mean like
this? O-ho-ho. Yah.

Then you approach her
like a man, shake your rake,

stand your ground, and say,

"Voulez-vous couchez
avec moi, ce sow?"

And then you two can
roll in each other's muck.

Now, go get her. Okay.

Tout de suite.
All right, all right.

Follow my advice, and you will have
all the pink curly tail you can stand.

I am going to go
make some bacon.

[Vic] And it's time for
Sinkers and Floaters,

where contestants must
cross the river without

swallowing a mouthful
of septic sludge.

Get it on.

An onion is like a leek.

And here's Ken Drapkin.
He's a former puppet maker

who was kicked off Sesame
Street for abusing puppets.

Oh! Jiminy Cricket. That
makes him a Geppedophile.

Could be, Ken. I'm
rolling eight the hard way.

And up next, it's Anthony Ruben,
unlicensed Vegas craps inspector.

Wow, he's cleaned
up a lot of craps rings.

Right you are, and those Vegas
craps rings are some of the dirtiest, Ken.

Let's take another look at that.

Sinkers and Floaters is
always a roll of the dice,

but for Ruben, he falls on
his snake eye and craps out.

Right you are, Ken.

I swallowed a Lego.

And here, of course,
Flo-Jo Nightingale.

She repairs muppet crack babies.

Yeah, she gets them
off the needle and thread.

That's right, Ken.
They call it stuffed love.

Oh, and it's good Nightingale
for her. Let's go down to Guy.

Who's the sickest
muppet? Cookie Monster.

Oh, what's wrong with him?

Oh, he has an eating disorder.

He's bulemitic.

Oh, you mean he tosses
the cookies... Yeah.

All over the place?
Mm-hmm, you know it.

Bulemic, anorexic, what else?

Don't tell anyone, but he
has two buttons missing.

[Both laugh]

Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

And here's Vegas headliner and
British pop icon Sir Felton John.

Now performing
at Ceasar's Palace.

You'd think he'd
prefer Four Queens.

Oh! Or a Man-da-lay.

Well, whatever the case,
Felton is crocodile rocked.

Let's take another
look at that, Ken.

He does a toe-tapping Taupin.

He's still standing,
not like he was before.

Yeah, he's totally
yellow brick roadkill.

Right you are. I
stole your identity.

And once again, it's Sesame
Street regular Mr. Mailbag.

Yeah, he teaches
kids about letters,

like steaming them open
and stealing the credit card.

Oh, and he is down
and returned to sender.

Hah. And now, direct
from the Mirage...

Achtung!

It's one-half of the legendary
Vegas illusionist team

Siegfried and.

Oh! And he went under
faster than Roy on anesthesia.

Right you are.

I love my job.

And for the seedier
side of Sesame Street,

it's Snuff-film-upagus.

I hate snuff films. You always
know how they're going to end.

Right you are, and it
didn't end well for him.

Let's take another
look at that, Ken.

Snuff-film-upagus is childlike
and almost elephantine.

Yeah, I think the junk in
his trunk weighed him down.

Could be right.

♪ Darling don't get sprayed ♪

And up next, Vegas superstar

and the very unique
Wayne Neutered.

Yeah, he used to play
at Bally's, but he got axed.

Kenny, he is Mister Vegas.

I happen to have a box
set of his greatest hits.

Yeah, I bet you
don't have that one.

Look, his hair
paint's coming off.

Where's my scooter?

And up next, Carl Grover,

creator of the most
powerful puppet in the world,

George letter "W"... Oh!

Hah, he took the fall.

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

Grover's evasive
maneuvers are futile,

and he's now up to
his neck in hot water.

Ha ha, Grover.

And here's Greasy Bob's
co-owner, Georgia Maloof.

We own everything!

Those gaming control dudes
know she's into dirty business.

But they just
can't pinch Maloof.

Right you are, Ken. Let's
see how she does here,

scampering nicely across... Oh!

She is down. And last up,

everybody's favorite muppet.
It's not easy being obscene.

It's Kermit the Fraud.

I almost didn't recognize
him without his raincoat.

Well, he just got out of jail for
his Colombian rainbow connection.

Oh! The little fellow
leaps to victory, Ken.

So, it's sunny days
for Sesame Street,

as Kermit brings home the
bacon and they win it all, 4 to 3.

Vegas is pissed. Well, you know
the odds are usually in house's favor.

That's why so much gambling
ends with a pistol to the head

and brains on the
table. Yeah. [laughs]

Tragically, yes. [laughs]

See what I did there?
Watch what I did.

Boom. [Both laugh]

Why couldn't they shoot
some of those stupid puppets?

You know, many
consider me a puppeteer.

I sit next to a dummy all day.

What? I know, that's...

I don't get it. I don't
know. Forget it.

It's time for...

And starting out at number 10, Guy LeDouche
pays for Celine Dion's biggest hits.

A painful beating, but still
better than watching her.

Number 9, it's
Forgetful Jones, Junior,

whose memory gets repressed
right into the big bay window.

Ouch. Number 8, it's craps
inspector Anthony Ruben.

Maybe he should inspect
his drawers after that run. Hah!

At number 7, it's
little Stevie Wynn.

Hard to believe Wynn's a loser.

Bet his blind dad
didn't see that coming.

Ha ha. At number 6,
Sesame Street's Mr. Mailbags.

Oh, I think he may have
ripped his sack open on that one.

And number 5,
it's Aaron Krzadiak,

creator of French
Tickle Me Elmo.

Check it out... Elmo's
world just got rocked.

At number 4, it's
Snuff-film-upagus,

who almost gets
rubbed out on this one.

Anybody rolling tape? Ha ha.

At number 3,
little Peter LeCoke.

And Peter bangs hard, then
limply droops out of sight.

And at number 2,
it's Sir Felton John,

who gets brutally pounded.

God save the queen.

And, my...

goes to frequent offender
Guy LeDouche, who gets

totally domino-nated by a
semi-nude dude with man boobs.

Haha. Bet that's
not the first time.

By the way, sorry
about the gas earlier.

Yeah, yeah. It's embarrassing.

Why don't you take us out?

All right, what do
we always say?

[All] Don't get eliminated!

If you'd like to know about
gambling and children's programming,

read Casino Secrets for
Kids... Oh, look who's here!

It's the MGM lion and the
mascot from the Cub Club.

Come here. Oh, you seem to
have soiled your fur. [cat screeches]

Oh, perhaps you could teach him
a thing or two about tongue baths.

Don't you have any pride?
He stands there at night

at the entrance of
the hotel... [roars]

Wait a minute, you look angry.

Teach you a thing or two.

[roars] You haven't worked
with Roy, have you? Ow!

[Announcer] And today's
show was brought to you

by the letters F, U,
and the number 2.

Ha ha.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA