Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - Celebrity Justice vs. TV Motor Shows - full transcript

[Announcer] It's time for MXC!

The world's most toughest
competition in town.

Today it's Hollywood infamy
and mechanical robbery,

as Celebrity Justice
takes on TV's motor shows.

It's the classic
battle of fallen stars

versus souped-up cars.

Now the turbo charged
stars of our show,

Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano.

And welcome. Woo-hoo.

Well, we've got a
great one today, Ken.

TV mtor shows
versus celebrity justice.



Hot chicks behind bars.

Hey, guess what I'm gonna do.

What's that, Ken?

I'm gonna open a
celebrity chicks prison.

You're going to open a
women's correctional facility?

Yeah, frisk Wynona Ryder.

Ken, that's a
big responsibility.

The State is entrusting
you with their care,

you've got to feed them,
house them, rehabilitate them.

Bathe them. Yes, that too,

but more importantly, you
need to educate them, Ken.

Protect them. De-louse them?

Get them ready
to re-enter society.

You have to strictly
adhere to the penal code.



Ha, penal code.

But you're right,
it's too big of a job.

Maybe I'll just open
an illegal chop shop.

Ah, I'm looking for a
new top for the Matador.

Matador.

Guy here, happy to say I'm
crime free for the moment.

Although I'm anxiously
awaiting a burly U.S. Marshall,

who will hand serve me
a giant, bulging subpoena.

Today's trials begin with
one count of "Sack Lunch".

We will see if the charges
stick with "Wall Buggers".

Then it's the guilty pleasure
of "Little Man in the Boat".

And the verdict will be
decided by "Brass Balls".

And now I will release
this squab of justice.

Yes... I hope it doesn't
drop his charges

anywhere near the skipper.

Question! Who thinks the plethora
of television custom car shows

illustrates our visceral
obsession with aesthetics,

and high speed machinery.

Show of hands, now!

[All] Here!

Well, you're wrong.

Muscle cars are an extension
of a man's personality,

and projective virility.

You, what do you drive?

He drives a Geo Metro.

Hmm, the smaller the
car, the bigger the man.

Am I right? No,
no, no, you're not.

Hey, what do you drive, Captain?

A Hummer, and you,
sir, are out of line.

Well, what about you,
Sparky, what do you drive?

I drive a hog.

Leave your wife out of this.

[laughter]

Let's switch gears.

You, in the wife beater,

you've spent some
time in jail, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

And did you meet
any celebrities?

Yeah, I showered
with Mick Molte,

And I shared my butter
with Don Sizemore.

Hmm, interesting.

If that had been me, I would
have ran the Green Mile.

Well, gentlemen,
start your engines.

Let's go!

[Vic] And we're
off to Sack Lunch,

where players have one
minute to snatch as many sacks

of left overs as they can.

Get it on!

And there we go.

Oh! A couple of the OJ
jurors just went down.

That's 'coz they're
blind and deaf.

Right you are, and
of course the team

that gobbles the most sack

will be declared the
winner of this round.

And there's NBA
great Probe Bryant,

who brutally gets
himself a piece.

And gets away with it.

And there's Spike's very
own Punkmaster Flex.

Ah, his show got jacked.

Right you are, Ken.

Oh, and there of course,
Phil Hannibal Spector.

Oh, I think he's
spitting out her tongue.

Right you are, Ken.

That's sackers from both
teams crossing the finish line.

By the way, Ken,
what's in the sacks?

It's giant Australian filberts.

Ah, big salty nuts
from down under.

And there's actor and falsely
accused murderer, Robert Flake.

I thought he was falsely
accused of being an actor.

Right you are, Ken.

How did he get off, anyway?

I think by killing her.

I didn't kill her. Anyone
says I did, I'll kill 'em.

Yeah, see, yeah.

Ah, spoken like an innocent man.

Oh, and detaching the
white rope from the sack,

is British pop star
George McMichael.

Yeah, going head to
head with Goy George.

Whoa, whoa,
let's see that again.

And that's our
MXC Impact Replay!

Yeah, those guys must think
they're in a public bathroom in a park.

Wam Bam, thank you, ma'am!

My career is in the trash can!

Oh, and there's the Bush
twins, Jenny and Bourbon.

Out on permanent probation

they've sworn off booze,
drugs and fake IDs.

Well, there goes
their political career.

Right you are, Ken,

and there's Dora Samanski,
host of Soccer Mom Garage.

Yeah, each week
they take an Escalade

and transform it into
a Dodge Caravan.

Completely sour milk odor.

Right you are, Ken.

And we're all tied up, one
to one, let's go down to Guy.

With the celebrity,
Urine Vanderslime.

I can't stay, I'm doing
Regis and Kelly later.

Why didn't you wrap your mouth
around that sack over there?

I'm not into sack,
I'm into fun bags.

What about body bags, huh?

You have to talk to my
Daddy about that, okay? Okay.

That dude's totally guilty.

Well, Kenny, that's a great
thing about our justice system.

You're innocent
until proven guilty.

Like OJ Simpson or Robert Blake.

Nordberg and Beretta.

Exactly. They're still
looking for the real killers.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

We really stick it to them.

Got it, bug nugget?

MXC is back as
the grease monkeys,

take on the celebrity junkies.

We're back.

Kenny, you know what
appeals to me about

those auto and motorcycle
restoration shows.

Lots of dudes?

No, Kenny, it's
about the ingenuity

and artistic endeavor.

Oh, you mean like your piece of
junk Matador you got parked out back?

I will have you
know that's a classic.

Ha, a classic piece
of crap. Kenny,

my Matador improves with age,

much like a fine wine.

That smells like it, too.

Well, guess who's
not getting a ride home.

And time for Wall Buggers.

What wall? What insect?

Hey, bugger it.

I'm the brown spider,

and I'm ready to spray 'em.

Man, I'd like to
squash that bug.

Right you are, Ken.

It looks like the Captain is
ready to get things under way.

Get it on!

Do these wings make
my thorax look big?

No. And there's Carson Crashley,

from the alternative custom car
show, Queer Eye for the Street Rod.

Yeah, the first thing they do

is remove the chrome
off the trailer hitch.

Right you are. Famous
for their glass pack headers.

Oh! And he's going down, Ken.

I'm sure he's used to that.

Ah, and there he's being
taunted by the brown spider.

I'm sure he's used to that too.

I can't afford gas.

Here's Michael Jacksom.

Pop star and accused
children's entertainer.

Yeah, good thing he's white

or he would have
been unfairly convicted.

Oh! Oh! Right you are.

And he slips into
Never Never Land.

Yeah, maybe he thought it
was the kiddy pool. Indeed.

And from "American Chopper",

it's Paul Turdler Sr.

Yeah, that guy's
totally motor psycho.

Yeah, but clearly
his boys love him.

Or he'll kill them.

Oh! Oh! And he
doesn't make it, Ken.

Yeah, and now he's gonna
blame his son, Paul Jr.,

like he always
does. Right you are.

Let's see that again, that's
our MXC Impact Replay.

Yeah, right here, he's
thinking, "That damn Paul Jr."

and "We'll never
make that deadline."

And next up for
Celebrity Justice,

I went to prison and walked
out with a 14 million dollar deal!

It's ex-con Martyr Stewart,

publisher of Martyr
Stewart Living.

Yeah, she had a prison follow-up
magazine called Martyr Stewart Shiving.

Right you are.

And it looks like she's
in the septic soup can!

By the way, what
is our septic soup?

That's biker suit screenings
from Sturgess, South Dakota.

Right you are,
let's see that again.

Yeah, look right there,
she split her overalls.

Well, she should have
followed her own advice, Ken.

Always double stitch
up the groin region,

before going to prison.

Let's go down to Guy.

So what's in this month's
Martyr Stewart Shiving?

It's all about food.

Like how to turn your
toilet into a punch bowl.

Yeah, meals made
in ten to twenty,

and something for you, Guy.

Mock branch fiber for gals
looking for a meat substitute.

If they only made
women's prison for men.

Say it's a good thing,
huh? It's a good thing.

I married a man.

And here's the always
welcome, BJ, from Overhaulin'.

She doesn't know much about
cars, how did she get the job?

I understand it was part
of some oral agreement.

Oh! And she's down
in our septic sludge can.

The brown spider marinating
her in his web sauce.

Right you are.

Hi, sorry I'm late,
it's the holiday rush.

And here's Kelly Sepp.

The owner of the celebrated
Celebrity Justice gift shop,

Crickstone.

As seen on Court TV.

And let's see how
she does here, Ken.

Yeah, I love that store.

They have cool stuff like Sean
Penn Paparazzi punching bags.

Right you are, Ken. It
looks like she missed the wall

the first time, she is
swinging back and forth.

They have Jacko Jesus
juicer with sippy cups.

Right you are. She appears
to be dangling there now, Ken.

Oh, looks like the
Captain has snagged her.

My favorite is Courtney
Love's candy barbiturates.

Oh, good to know, Ken.

And Russell Crowe Nerf phones.

Yes, they've got an
extensive catalogue for sure.

Oh! But that's no good for Sepp.

And she's down into the sludge.

Wait there's more,
can we do a replay?

Maybe later, Ken. All right.

I killed a florist.

And here's American
Chopper's Paul Turdler Jr.

One of the premier custom
bike builders in the world,

and all he wants is
his dad's approval.

Oh! Oh!

His dad's right, he
can't do anything.

At least Mikey doesn't
try. Right you are.

Anybody need a ride?

And up next, Oscar winner,

convicted vehicular felon, and
Halfrican American role model,

Ally Berry.

Yeah, she inspired women
all over the world to hit and run.

Right you are.

Oh! And she crashed
head first into the wall.

Yah, she'll probably
forget what happened.

Right you are.

I can eat a light bulb.

And here's Jesse Jams,

who married actress
Sandra Buttocks.

Yeah, I heard she
made him sign a pre-nup

in case she gives
him the camshaft.

Right you are, oh! Oh!

And he sticks it, Ken.

Wow! So, thanks to Jesse
Jams, the motor heads have

fuel injected themselves
into the lead, 2 to 1.

Well, my young chum, are you
ready for the ride of a lifetime?

Yeah, I'm gonna be driving around in
one of Jesse Jams' new concept cars.

Ah, what do you call it?

Gold Nugget.

Ah, the splendid splendors.

Let's get going.
Mind if I drive, Ken?

Mind if I fart?

Get it on!

All right, buckle
up, my young chum.

We'll be driving
the L.A. freeways,

and it's chock full of
celebrity hoodlums. Oh God.

Keep on your toes.

Ha ha, hold on.

Hey, get the guns from
the glove compartment.

Right you are, ready
to go locked and loaded.

Grab the wheel, my friend.

Oh look, it's Ally Berry.

Haha, take that!

Oh no! Oh, there
you go, Ms. Latino hat.

Ooh, I just winged Billy Joel.

Die Piano Man!

Ah, lookie there.

Lindsay Krepnick.

You won't get away this time.

I'm getting car sick.

[vomiting]

Stand up if you're gonna
upchuck under Vic Romano.

I barfed. Sweet Justice.

Remember, obey
the rules of the road,

or drive straight to hell!

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

we astro glide to
the forbidden zone.

What the hell does that mean?

MXC is back as the
pimped out cruisers,

battle the silver screen losers.

You know, Ken, they
say that Justice is blind.

Not if you're a celebrity.

Now take the time I
got caught shoplifting.

You got caught shoplifting?

Yes, it wasn't so much
about the money, Ken,

it was more a cry for help.

What d'you take?

An eight track and an afro pick.

Can you steal me an iPod?

Kenny, I would like to show you
the film that scared me straight.

I'm a big star and a thief,

and I can talk without
moving my lips.

Sir, sir, did you
pay for those items?

Sir, you're gonna have to
stop or I'll be forced to kill you.

Sir, I said stop.

Will you stop right now!

Stop! Are you talking to me?

I believe you have items
that you didn't pay for,

on your person's.

Like that stolen wallet
for instance, gimme that!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I learned my lesson,
I'll never do it again.

Just doing my duty.

By the way, who are you?

I'm Robert Downey Jr.

My God, you are!

Oh my God!

A real celebrity! Yes!

Got you! I'm doing
research for a movie role,

so I couldn't
possibly be guilty.

I wrote a script,
you wanna read it?

Time for Little Man in the Boat.

Climb on top,
go for a little ride,

but don't stop the time
or you'll deal with this guy.

I'm the Dippler!

Get it on!

I can't see a thing!

And here's Blood Ploddington,

from Skinemax TV's
American Hotwad.

Yeah, last week
some dude threw a rod

while he was jacking
up the rear end.

Right you are,
they do good work.

Let's see how Blood
does on his run.

Oh! And he's into
the safety fluid.

That guy's so slimy,

he's leaving an oily ring
around our leech field.

Indeed.

Okay, I killed 'em,
are you happy?

And here's the last
member of Hole,

Portney Love.

Yeah, she's on probation
for breaking her probation

for assault and fattery.

Portney, of course, a
well-rounded performer.

Ahe's an actress,
musician, singer...

Oh! She got diddled, Ken!

No, I think Hole stank.

Well, it certainly didn't
smell like Teen Spirit.

Haha, Teen Spirit.

Arrhh!

Haha, good one.

Next up, Nacho Scwarz,

host of Central
American Chop Shop.

Yeah, they steal your Camry,

dismantle it, and turn
it into a roach coach.

Oh, looks like he's using
a rare tailpipe mount, Ken.

I think he's pumping the gas.

Right you are.

He's probably gonna flood it.

Oh! And he is sideswiped by
the Dippler into our septic sludge!

Now Nacho is
getting his back wet.

Yes, certainly not a real
grand finish for Señor Schwarz.

Orale.

And that was our
MXC Impact Replay!

Let's take another look.

You can see Pancho starts

with a Honduran Hottmeier Hop,

into a Paddymanny and Pump.

Then of course the
blowjack by the Dippler.

Whoa! Sure my life's
a mess. Who cares?

Next up, of course,
Paula Poundcake,

who, if you recall,
got in trouble

for being an unfit parent

as a result of her drinking.

Yes, as part of her
community service,

she started the Mommy and Me
program, called Sloe Ginboree.

Right you are.

And it looks like her
ride, much like her career,

is coming to a
grinding halt. Oh!

And for the first time, Paula
Poundcake is diddled by a man.

Indeed.

Hey you, catch my knife.

And up next, Al Famero,

Capo di tutti mecanici,

from Mobster Garage.

Yeah, they do dead body
work and trick out getaway cars.

Right you are, and it looks
like Al is sleeping with the fishes.

Let's go down to Guy.

It says here, "My child
is student of the month

at John Gotti Jr. High."

Congratulations, and
who is this beautiful lady?

Oh, that's my wife.

I'm Molly the Mob Mom
midget, who's asking?

So sorry, and who's that
tall drink of water behind you?

That's my daughter,

Tina, the tiny giant,
you friggin' mook.

Yeah. Lovely family.

Lead bread!

And here's Art Kelly.

R and B super felon.

His music grabs
audiences of all ages.

I'm not exactly sure
what he did, but uh...

I heard he begged to
be tried in juvenile court.

Good to know, Ken,
and it looks like here,

for the first time in his life,

he's showing some restraint.

And manages to stop himself
before he gets into trouble.

He was thinking
of the little people.

Right you are.

Pimento Loaf!

Let me guess. You use
your T-shirt as our seat cover.

And next up, that's
Billy Ray Bundy,

the host of White Trash My Ride.

Yeah, the show where they
put your car up on cinder blocks,

and throw empty beer
cans in the back seat,

and replace your windows
with plastic bags and duct tape.

And every vehicle is primer
gray and has a bumper sticker

that reads, "My other
car is repossessed."

Let's see what he does here.

Oh! He's into the septic sludge.

I think he's under
there bathing himself.

Right you are, Ken, it is the
first Saturday of the month.

That burns, that really burns.

I need a job.

And up next, it's motion
picture star Mick Bolte,

who was recently
arrested for drunk driving.

Yeah, the police
became suspicious

when looked the
way he always looks.

Right you are,
Ken. He's one actor

who could really use
a new set of mug shots.

And it looks like Mick
is running out of gas.

Oh! And he is
diddled and dumped.

He will definitely
have to dry out.

And child aficionado, Art Kelly,

scores a minor victory,

and the Celebrity Justice
team ties it up, 2 to 2.

Hey, a lot of times the
celebrity cases just aren't true.

Ha, like Richard Gere.

No, that's one true, my
friend owned that pet store.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

things get downright ugly,

and I'm not talking about
his little red short shorts.

MXC is back for
the final battle,

as the Hollywood law breakers

take on the custom car makers.

Well, this contest has
really gone back and forth.

Hot stars, hotrods.

Haha, rods!

Yes, yes. Kenny, are you the one

who might have ordered
a metallic hot pink

customized chopper with
turquoise saddle bags in my name?

No, but you owe him 80 grand.

Ah, just kill the god.

It's time for Brass Balls.

With your metallic arm,
perfect cups in your hand,

get across the wiggly bridge,

without getting ball busted by

these dangerous
Broadway performers.

Two, three, four and big finish.

Showtime. Showtime.

I screwed up. You were late.

Get it on!

Raw pork.

And next up for Motor Shows,

it's Earl Shibius,

the older host of History
Channel's Chariot, My Chariot.

Yeah, they take a late
model Roman ride and

trick it out, increase
the horsepower.

Right you are, Ken.

And of course that program
comes after my very favorite,

The Pol Pot Luck Show.

A historic look at the
food of the Khmer Rouge.

And you can see right
there, Earl Shibius,

Oh, is hit on the
gluteus maximus.

He'll have a Roman
lesion on his side.

Right you are. You
didn't pay attention.

Ain't no mountain high enough.

Up next, the supremely
talented diva, Diana Rust.

Yeah, I heard she
got arrested in Arizona,

and charged with an IUD.

Kenny, I believe that was a DUI.

She was drunk too.

And let's see if Diana
catches the brass orb.

Pressure from the Captain.

See how she does here.

Walking like she's doing a
field sobriety test or something.

There are some
definite similarities there.

Oh! And Diana takes a... Whoa!

A rare black ball to the
chin and she's down!

Wow, that hasn't
happened since Berry Gordy.

And that is our
MXC Impact replay.

And that of course, the biggest
hit Diana's had in a long time.

What a shame.

I'm not afraid of heights.

Next up, it's Jebediah
Worcestershire.

Host of the inner
city Amish show,

Shaker and Quaker Garage.

There he goes. He takes
the ball from the Captain.

Where they take a
horse, corn row its mane,

gold cap its teeth, and lower
it by cutting it off at the knees.

And he's hoofing it like he's
running away from conflict.

Yeah, he's a pacifister.

Right you are, Ken.

Oh! And Jebediah is off the
granite and into the hand-woven nets.

I know you are, but what am I?

Next up for Celebrity Justice,

it's Wee Wee Herman,

who got arrested for
lewd conduct in a theater.

Yeah, the concession
people were also mad at him

for making his own Slurpee.

And of course, Wee Wee
maintains his innocence.

Yeah, he tried to toss it
off on his hand puppet.

Right you are.

And there we go, takes
the ball from the Captain.

Moving along nicely,

Oh, and it looks like
Herman is hammered.

Oh, and Wee Wee is splattered.

Tough running, tough
luck for Wee Wee.

I meant to do that.

Pigs eat slop.

Ah, truer words
were never spoken.

And last up for TV Motor Shows,

it's American
Chopper's Mikey Dirgler.

Yeah, Mikey's cool.

We shared a booth at the
slacker convention. Uh-huh.

We signed like five
autographs and then got tired.

Drank some beers and went
out and spent our parents' money.

Good for you, Ken. Mikey
takes a hit to the head,

a direct hit to the face, Ken.

I think his brown
nose is bleeding.

Right you are.

And you can see right there,

desperately trying to
maintain his balance.

I think he's drunk.

And you can see right there,
he gets hit in his custom seat.

Good ball work,
Trav, good ball work.

He dropped his brass ball,

I think he's lost his shoe, Ken.

I think he just doesn't
know how to tie 'em.

You may be right.

Let's see what he does here.

He's into a reverse
Harley Hog Straddle.

I think he's just
scratching his butt.

I think you might be right, Ken.

He's back up.

Well, I think this is the
hardest Mikey's ever worked.

He's definitely giving
slackers a bad name, Ken.

You know, next week he's
gonna build a bike for me.

Good for you.

And he takes a second
ball from the Captain.

Yeah, it's gonna be beer powered

and have four wheels
and a bathroom,

and a place to
sleep in the back.

Sounds very much
like a Winnebago, Ken.

Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be
the coolest motorcycle ever.

Or a very run-of-the-mill RV.

Let's see what he does here.

He's got a second ball, takes
a couple of blasts to the back,

but he continues to move.

Oh! And makes it to
everyone's surprise!

Mikey has accomplished
something that scores at Brass Balls.

Thanks to little Mikey
Turdler, and his work ethic.

The TV Motor Shows
ride to victory and win it all,

3 to 2.

That was a great
competition, huh, Ken? Yeah.

And of course we extend our
sympathies to all the celebrities,

who are now two-time losers.

But our heartiest
congratulations to Mikey Turdler,

who will become
a true inspiration

for generations to come.

Ah, no, I didn't bite, either.

But you can believe this.

It's time for Kenny Blankenship's
Painful Eliminations of the Day.

And starting at number 10,

it's sensual American Chop
Chopper, Nacho Schwarz,

after that septic dive,
he's a splattin' American.

Number 9, goes to
ex-con, Marta Pooert,

who slips off the rope,

slips her disc, and
slips into MXC obscurity.

And number 8 goes to George
McMichael and Goy George,

who give each other a
West Hollywood handshake.

And number 7,

goes to rock star Portney Love,

who really makes
the Dippler mad,

that's hard to do
because he likes Hole.

Number 6 goes to Ally Berry,

right here, guess what was the
last thing that went through her mind.

Ah, I walked.

And number 5, it's
white trash gear head

Billy Ray Bundy,

who fouls our
inky stinky sludge.

He's got man boobs.

And number 4 goes
to Wee Wee Herman,

who gets wacked off the bridge.

Hey, this isn't a movie theater.

And number 3 goes
to Paula Poundcake,

who finally made me
laugh with that horrific outfit.

And number 2 was the American
Chopper, Paul Turdler Sr.,

who's totally out of control,

and takes a brutal beating.

You think road rash
is bad, try wall rash.

And my most painful
elimination of the day,

Goes to little Mikey Turgler,

who's gonna need a total
nose restoration after this run.

Don't worry, his
brother will get it running.

Ah, well done, Kenny.

I toast you.

Yeah, here's to me.

Yeah, here's to me, I'm Kenny.

Oh, Jesus.

You mocked me.

Right you are, take us out.

What do we always say?

Don't get eliminated!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA