Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Wack Pack vs. Hollywood Rehabbers - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] It's time for MXC,

the world's most toughest
competition in town.

Today, Howard
Stern's radio regulars,

go toe-to-toe against Hollywood
rehab addicts and alkies.

It's the classic battle of

the Wack Pack
versus the Crack Pack.

And now, two guys
everyone's addicted to,

Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano.

Woo, big show today, Vic.

Ah, yes. Big show.



The Howard Stern Wack Packers.

Yeah, and the
Hollywood Rehabbers.

Yes, illuminaries who are
facing their demons, Ken.

Oh, you mean that
little dude, Beetlejuice.

Yeah, he's funny.

Indeed he is.
Also a little droll,

but I'm talking about
substance abuse,

and people struggling to get
their lives back together again, Ken.

You know, the classic fight
between fame and infamy.

Yeah, like Mister Methane.

Kenny, you're missing
the whole point.

All his songs
are in B flatulent.

Kenny, I'm talking
about real celebrities,

like that fine actor,
Mr. Thomas Sizemore.



Yeah, he's got
his own porn site.

Ah, good to know.

Guy here, I just finished
intervening with myself,

and I'm happy to say that
I'm sober and cleaned up.

Of course I will need a sponsor
for the rough nights ahead.

Hello. Dude.

It's Jan Michael Vincent.

He has a huge habit.

Our first-step
program begins with

"Rotating Surfboard of Death."

Then drop your load
with the "Crate Escape."

Open your blow hose
for "Sperm Wheelers."

Then we top it all off with
"Sinkers and Floaters."

And now a man whose
substance I'd love to abuse,

Skipper!

Question, who thinks
Howard Stern's Wack Packers

are being exploited for
their freakish genetic defects,

all to line his pockets,
show hands now.

[All] Here!

Well, you're wrong,
without Howard,

these people would be
making in a cardboard box.

Like you, Wack
Packer. What say you?

I'm with the
Hollywood Rehabbers.

We think substance abuse is a
very serious problem. [giggling]

What's your friend
giggling about?

Well, he just ate a whole tray
of Woody Harrelson's brownies.

Mmm. I see. We have
a special message.

Don't... do... drugs.

Uh, okay. Ready? Go.

Baba Booey, Baba
Booey, Baba Booey.

Baba Booey, Howard Stern...

I've been duped.

Who do you think I am?

Larry King? This is
totally inappropriate.

Do you hear me all?

Listen to me, stop it now!

I told you not to take
your mask of, Ganji.

Let's go!

[Announcer] And we're
off to our first event,

"The Rotating
Surfboard of Death."

Here's Chief Otto Parts.

No wounded knees.

Get the camera off me.

Get it on.

Lunch wipes.

First up for the
Hollywood Rehabbers,

actor Robert Clowney, Jr.

[Ken] He's been in Betty Ford

more than the President. Indeed.

Oh, now, clean and sober,

he just bought it in
the septic sludge..

That 12th step's a doozy.

Next up, it's
Howard's out-of-stylist,

Ralph Cindrella.
Who says I'm gay?

He insists gloves are
going to be the new shoes.

He also gets the
man-gravy stains

out of Howard's laundry.

Oh!

He's up to his brown
nose in our septic gravy.

Right you are.

I'm Bobby's punching bag.

Next up for the Rehabbers,

it's multi-Grammy
winner, Twitney Houston.

Since rehab I heard
she doesn't do Grammys.

She's more into acting
now. Right you are.

According to Jodie Foster,
she's quite a thespian.

[chuckling] Thespians are hot.

There she is, safely
past the pink dolphin

up on the platform there.

Enabled by Chief Otto Parts.

Oh, no, another
pink dolphin. Oh! Oh!

Knocks it off in a fit of rage.

That must have hurt.

I'm sure she didn't
feel it, don't worry.

Let's see that again.

It's plain to see thespians
do not like pink dolphins.

But the pink
dolphin struck back.

Too bad she had

a Lilith Fairly good
run going, there.

Up next, Richard Crusty.

My beer!

He's a triple X-pert
on adult entertainment.

Yeah, he's got one of those
pornographic memories.

His knowledge of adult
cinema is almost obscene, Ken.

I bet he studies hard. Oh!

He's whacked off the
surfboard, right into the reservoir.

I think he just
peed in our sludge.

Indeed.

So [bleep]in' hot.

Up next, entertainment reporter

and phone abuser, Pud O'Brien.

He, of course, suffered
the embarrassment

of publicly going into rehab.

It's almost as embarrassing
as being on Dr. Phil.

Right you are. Mr. O'Brien
claimed temporary insanity,

after a lifetime of drugs,
booze, and crank calls.

Oh, and sadly, he
tripped himself up, there.

He's so [bleep]ing done.

As Pud takes stock of his life,

let's go to our
MXC impact replay.

In Pud O'Brien's defense,

everyone should
be allowed a slip.

Yeah, but three or
four times, you're out.

Right you are.
Let's go down to Guy

and see how Pud is
doing with his recovery.

Admit it.

You are totally hooked
on drugs, right? Yeah.

And you like hookers,
too. Oh, yeah.

You like doggie treats?
Yeah, I like those.

Snausages? Yeah.

Oh, you forgot to
mention phone sex.

Oh, that is Guys favorite!

[laughing]

Hey, where's my blue flower?

Next, Wack Pachyderm,
Ted the Elephantitis Boy.

Yeah, he's wearing long pants

because he's embarrassed
about his thick ankles.

Well, they are
rather large, Ken.

Are you kidding?
They're hideous.

They're almost
as big as Hillary's.

Oh! And the Wack Packer
almost broke his sternum.

Pack your junk in your
trunk and get out of here.

Right you are.

Just today, I had
vodka and Red Bull.

And here's TV heartthrob
and German recording artist,

David Hasselhoffbrau.

He started drinking at
a Munich Oktoberfest,

and it became a
November, December,

January, February,
March, April, May,

June, July, August,
Septemberfest. Right you are.

There's Chief Otto Parts
offering him a peace pipe.

Hasselhoffbrau
clearly disturbed... Oh!

Goes right off, and
into our strange brew.

I got to see that one
again. Right you are.

Chief Otto Parts
flashed his little bighorn.

Right, and no sitting bull,

this is Hasselhoffbrau's
last stand.

And next up, it's
Mindy the retard. Ow!

I have two other shoes at home.

Mindy, of course,

one of Howard's
most popular irregulars.

Let's see what she does here.

Whoa, she's in trouble, Ken.

She just hurled.

Back on her feet. Oh! And
a perfect hydrocepha-leap

over the pink dolphin.

When she's not doing
Howard, she likes waving at cars

and squeezing a new
kitten to sleep every night.

And there she is,
back on the board.

Let's see what she does. Oh!

Oh, then she threw up again.

Shouldn't have eaten
all those paint chips.

Oh, and she perfectly
"autistics" the landing.

So, thanks to Mindy the retard,

the Wack Pack surfed to victory

to take an early
lead, 1 to nothing.

And now, the final round of
the Wack Pack talent pageant.

We asked them why they think
they belong in the Wack Pack.

Ready, go!

I'm Booger Guy.

All my boogers
are in this little box.

Go, Jackson.

Hey. [laughing]

Go.

You can't do that.
Big Lips. Big teeth.

I'm Gary Dell'Abate's son.

You're not my boss.

Go.

I'm Nice Lad, and I
washed my hair today.

[All] What's your
talent, nice guy?

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] Stay tuned in,

turned on, and drop out!

When MXC returns.

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] MXC is back

with the Sterners
versus the burners.

Well, here's something
to think about,

now I don't want
your heart to stop,

but we're gonna start
random drug testing here, Ken.

Cool. You're not
worried, seriously?

Nah.

Kenny, this comes
straight from the top.

No one is exempt. Uh-oh.

Beer's not a drug. No,
it's not, but for some,

it's a gate way to
Cosmopolitans, Grasshoppers,

Long Island Ice Teas.

And the next thing you know,

you're drinking during
commercial breaks.

And not just because your
third wife left you penniless,

or your dead mother's last
husband is sleeping on your couch,

after his colostomy operation,

so Kenny, what does
that say to you, huh?

I need a beer.

And it's time for
"The Crate Escape."

Contestants enter
a modified outhouse,

they squat down
and strain vigorously,

to go across the MXC
Olympic size cesspool,

we call the porta-pottia.

The object of course,

find a dry place
to drop their load.

Vic, isn't that the bathroom
from outside your dressing room?

Probably, and first up for
the Hollywood Rehabbers,

TV star, Kelsey Crammer.

He's assumed the smart position,

and using only
his sense of smell,

will maneuver
across the porta-potty.

I thought I smelled maneuver.

And of course,
Kelsey, has gone public

with his former addiction to
cocaine, booze, and strippers.

He really had to work
hard on his addictions, Ken.

Yeah, you know, once
you get on strippers,

it takes a long time to get off.

Right you are.

Let's see there now,
watching Kelsey,

it looks like he's
lining himself up.

His trap door is crowning.

Right you are, and let's
see what he does here.

Oh! Oh!

It looks like he
misses the tidy boulder

with a horrific splash!

Man, I'm glad we're up here.

He just spackled
the entire shoreline.

Indeed.

And up now, for
the Wack Packers,

it's High Pitch Derek.

Are you proud of me?

He's hygienically
challenged, Ken.

I hope he doesn't
stink up our safety fluid.

Right you are.
Speaking of which,

what is today's fluid, Ken?

That's poop-deck scrapings
from the Exxon Valdez.

Well, it looks like High
Pitch is ready to drop his load.

Oh! He to has missed
the stone prone.

Whoo, do I smell something?

Yes, it's probably you, Ken.

Yeah, uh... Here's
Hollywood has-been,

Corey Haim Feldman.

He's a young leading man
who got himself into trouble,

always playing the heroine.

Yeah, his last acting job

was on the stand of
the Michael Jackson trial.

Right you are, Ken.

Yeah, you know, he reminds me of
Drew Barrymore and River Phoenix.

He started very
young. Making movies?

No, buying dime bags.

Look at that grip,
the concentration.

It looks like he's
ready to evacuate.

Bracing himself.

Oh! One push and he's out, Ken!

Oh! He just ran out of time,

he wasn't able to hold it.

The tidy boulder
streak is alive.

Right you are, and up next,

it's former Stern show producer,

Cracy Armstrong.

He, of course, got hooked
on drugs, antidepressants,

booze, self-mutilation, gambling,
and tried to commit suicide,

and then got fired.

Wow, that's a
really cool résumé.

Right you are, Ken.

Let's see what he does here. It
looks like he's got himself all lined up.

And it looks like he's using
a rare left-handed release.

Down and just catching
the rim of the tidy boulder.

And that's our MXC
Impact Replay, Ken.

Yeah, let that be a lesson.

If you just totally relax,
you gently release,

you get a perfect
entry, no backsplash.

And a cheer from the
crowd, Crazy gets up,

and acknowledges
all his fans and fannies.

And let's bring
out the next crate.

Up next, that's Cole Floorsheim,

he manufactures
12-step, no-slip footwear

for substance abusers.

You have to call your sponsor
every time you tie one on.

Right you are, looks like he's
got some nice clean tugging

going on there.

Pulling gently.

Getting ready to let one go.

Right you are, a
little bit of straining,

exhaling, ready to go!

Had it under control.
Oh, but like all addicts,

he knows you have to hit bottom
before you can pull yourself up.

Here, of course, Bradley Milton,

inventor of the "Howard
Stern Home Game".

That includes
"Nude Sister Twister,"

"Jeff the Vomit Guy Karaoke,"
and "Family Anal Ring Toss."

Right you are, looks like
he's ready to let loose.

Oh! And he misses, Ken.

So let's recap
our load droppers.

Kelsey Crammer.

High Pitch Derek.

Corey Haim Feldman.

Cole Floorshiem.

Bradley Milton.

And a couple of
others who dropped in.

And of course, our
winner, Cracy Armstrong.

Who furthers the
Wack Packers' lead,

putting them up, 2 to nothing.

Whoo. Well, the Rehabbers
have some catching up to do.

Yeah, they haven't scored yet.

They get nasty when
they can't score. Indeed.

And now a dramatization
from some of the honor students

at the Todd Bridges
School of Dramatic Arts.

Yeah, that school has
a good tracks record.

Watch and learn.

Hooray, taking it
one step at a time.

I'm finally clean and sober.

I've made it home.

Hey, hey,

pretty lady, have I got
some drugs for you.

What do you want, booze, pills?

I promise it'll
resurrect your career.

No, no, I said no.

Come on, I can get you a
guest spot on Gilmore Girls.

Okay, maybe just
one pill, but that's all.

We've got her. [chuckles]

Kids, remember, say no to drugs,

when someone is
watching. Thank you.

[both scatting]

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

find out who gets smoked.

Got it, brake pad?

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] MXC is
back as the social lepers,

take on the 12-steppers.

So, Ken, what prize

will today's losers
walk away with?

Uh, Snot, the Engineer's new CD.

Ah, well, let's tell everyone
about it anyway, shall we.

Uh, okay.

He's the engineer dude
who smokes too much,

he overeats, and is bald,

and the CD includes hits like,

"The Girl From Emphysema."

Oh, I see it also includes the
classic, "Baby Got Backfat,"

and of course a remix
of the Black Eyed Peas,

"Don't Funk In My Hair."

I like that song.

You can also use
it as a pizza tray.

Or just throw it away. Yeah.

And it's time for
"Sperm Wheelers".

Climb into the
rotted whale carcass

and follow the migratory route
without getting slaughtered by

the Norwegian
harpooners, Olaf and Steve.

I'm rich and bored.

Get it on.

And first for the Rehabbers,
it's team captain Gary Abusey.

If you're gonna be a
Hollywood Rehabber,

this is the guy you
wanna look down upon.

Yeah, I heard he and his son
share the same set of teeth.

Right you are, Ken.

Let's see what he does, oh, it
looks like he beaches himself.

Just like he did on the
Pacific Coast Highway.

Let's take another look at that.

Well, at least this time
he was wearing a helmet.

Yeah, and a dead
sperm whaler carcass.

Right you are.

And next up for the Wack Pack...

Eat doilies.

It's ex-con Martha Pooert.

She's the homemaker who
loves making farts and crafts.

Right you are, and oh, I
think she broke her blowhole.

[groaning] [laughs]

[farts]

Sorry. It's okay.

All the druggies belong in jail.

And here's alleged
rehabber, Rush Dimbulb.

He, of course, was
hooked on painkillers.

Yeah, side effects include
racism, blow heartedness,

and avoiding prosecution.

When asked how
hard it was to get drugs,

he replied, "It was like taking
Oxy cotton candy from a baby".

Let's see what he does here.

Oh, on the straight and narrow,
hits a few bumps in the road,

now leaning
dangerously to the left,

fends up the liberal
assault of balls.

Moving nicely there, Ken.

He's going back
to the right now.

Right you are.

And he's done it!

As expected, overall,
a conservative run.

And Rush scores
for the Rehabbers.

Up next for the Wackers,

is the sexually
ambivalent, Mark Careless.

Is he or isn't he? No.

He's a flaming heterosexual
guy who likes dudes.

Right you are, you know he
married a 90-year-old woman.

Yeah, they honeymooned
on her deathbed.

Oh! And he's down!

Well, I guess one rotted old
carcass on top of him was enough.

I want pancakes.

Up next, Ozzie's daughter,
Kelly Sloshbourne.

Nice to know she's
overcome her addiction to pills.

Was she on fat pills?

Not sure, Ken.
Spoiled brat pills?

Not sure, Ken. I know
it, untalented pills.

That's probably it, Ken.

Probably got them
from Ashlee Simpson.

Right you are. Oh, looks like
Ozzie and Jack are trackside,

exhaling, 'cause she went down.

And that's our
MXC Impact Replay.

You can see the road to
recovery is a bumpy one.

Her dad'll pay for it.

And they'll share the
same room, probably.

Good thing she
has a thick skull.

Fire!

Next up, Stern
sideman, Party Lang.

I think he's drunk.

Well, Ken, he claims
to be clean and sober.

No way, he's totally DWI.

Driving while intoxicated?

No, driving whale intoxicated.

Right you are. Oh, looks like he's
fallen off the wagon again, Ken.

I think he was
snortin' some beer.

[Guy] Party, what happened?

I'm not sure, I fell on a kid.

Oh, let's see what
your shirt says.

"Help me, I'm trapped
under a drunk fat guy."

So you haven't been
abusing yourself?

No, I'm totally clean.

And sober? Yep!

Hey, you wanna
get a Jack and Coke?

You're buying.

Fuh!

And next up, it's Backdoor
Boy, B.J. McQueen,

who's hooked on phonics.

I saw him backstage trying
to score a dangling participle.

Right you are, Ken, and
when it came to superlatives,

he was the worst!

Let's see if he can capitalize
on his momentum here.

Oh, and it looks like he's
made a grammatical error,

and he is fragmented, Ken.

I don't need your help.

Up next for the Wack
Pack, it's Blind Bobby.

Wow, look at him go.

What an idiot.

Kenny, watch what
you say about him.

Well, he can't
hear me, he's blind.

Help me.

Well, so thanks to Rush Dimbulb,

Rehab finally scores,
and it's 2 to 1, Wack Pack.

I love that game.

Are you drunk? A little.

You smell like Nick Nolte.

I may have had a sip but
it doesn't affect me, Ken.

You're sloshed.

I love you, man.

[belches] And gay.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

everybody must get stoned.

[coughs]

I got the munchies.

MXC is back for the final battle

between Hollywood Rehabbers
and Howard's Wack Packers.

It's reefers versus queefers.

Okay, we're back.

Kenny, wake up. Huh?

Kenny, you're
loaded, aren't you?

You were backstage in the
Rehabber's locker room, weren't you?

Yeah, you ever traveled
on the Canna-bus?

Well, one time I inadvertently
ate a space cake in Amsterdam.

What happened?

Well, I got tired,
went back to my room,

dimmed the lights, pulled
the covers over my head,

and cried myself to sleep.

Haha, you Dutch ovened yourself.

And it's time for
"Sinkers and Floaters,"

where contestants
must cross the river

without swallowing a
mouthful of septic sludge.

Get it on!

Guess how much I
paid for this dress.

Nothing!

And first up,
Cleptopainiac Wegottarider.

She pops more pills than a
Danny Bonaducci Pez dispenser,

which she probably stole.

Right you are, oh, and she
couldn't seal a victory here, Ken.

What a shame.

And here's Preston Plantilis
Doctor Sal Abracadabra.

His magic scalpel
makes flat women hot.

Oh! And he's down, Ken.

Let's take a look at that again
on our MXC Impact Replay.

Abracadabra fell
on his tricked knee.

Abracadabra is
now an abracadaver.

And here's NFL pot smoking
superstar, Tricky Williams.

He's up the middle,
cuts right and oh!

And he's totally stoned.

I think he's dead.

Maybe he swallowed
some of our sludge,

[snoring]

which is Tommy
Chong's old bong water.

Cheech's of course,
was unavailable.

Next up for the Wack
Pack, White is right.

It's Klansman Dam-u-all Carver,

who had this to say about
the new KKK catalogue.

We got self-lighting crosses
and cookieless Oreos,

and grand Wizard air freshener.

And Carver looks like a Klansman
running through a million-man march.

Oh! Oh!

He's down briefly,

but it looks like he's got
a lot of will white power.

This race is not
over and he wins!

He's feeling OK-K-K.

Is Bobby behind me?

And once again,
it's Twitney Houston.

Ooh!

When she sees rock,
she goes right for it.

Yikes.

I got crack.

I got crack!

Call the tabloids.

I got crack in my hand!

Oh, I thought we
had a scoop now.

Now, no one will pay me.

There's no sex in
the champagne room.

And here's sexy Sores
stripper, Candy Tiffany Daniel.

Ah, Sores, home
of the thumb dance.

I'm not familiar with
the thumb dance, Ken.

That's 'cause you're
not a gold-thong member.

Oh! And that was
almost a happy ending.

Look, it's turning into
a wet t-shirt contest.

She's got a headlight out.

[burps]

Who gets to give
Guy a lap dance?

She does. Short straw.

Guy has been
banned from strip clubs,

but luckily, she has
a yellow drop cloth,

so she can give me
a lap dance right here.

So Fantasia to the stage.

You know, what kind of man
cashes his 401-K for singles?

[All] Guy!

Guilty as charged.

And here's "No Friends"
star, Matthew Ferry,

who kicked a black
tar heroin habit.

Yeah, he kicked it with
gallons of black label.

Right you are. Oh! He
takes two steps backwards,

and that is it for
the Rehabbers.

So that means that Dam-u-all
Carver and Howard Stern's

Wack Packers have
stumbled their way to victory,

3 to 1.

And of course the Rehabbers
take a long psychedelic trip

back through the
Courtney Love Tunnel.

Okay. Wow, her tunnel is creepy.

Yeah, and who knows
what's been through there.

And sadly the Hollywood Rehabbers
will sink deeper into the abyss.

Yeah, boo-hoo.

Let's do some shots and play
"Stripper Wheel of Fortune."

Lucky for you I
brought my thong.

It's time for Kenny
Blankenship's

Painful eliminations of the day!

And starting out at number 10,

It's Ralph Cindrellaman,

whose terrible footwork
causes him to take a dive,

and he is down for the count.

And number 9 goes
to plastic surgeon,

Sal Abracadabra,

who is nip stuck
in our septic sludge.

What a boob job.

And number 8 goes to B.J.
McQueen, who's hooked on phonics.

After this run-on
sentence, he said,

"What the fuh?"

And number 7 goes
to Bradley Milton,

who drops himself
into our sludge bog.

What a load stool.

And number 6, goes
to Twitney Houston,

who just cracks
herself on that rock.

[chuckles] Crack.

And number 5 goes
to Gary Abusey,

who has a major accident
and flips his vehicle.

Never get behind the whale
when you're under the influence.

And back in at number
4 is Twitney Houston,

who takes a real beating
and Bobby is not even there.

And number 3 is
Kelly Sloshbourne,

who just crashes.

Look at her, she must be
going through withdrawals.

And jumping in at number 2

is phone abuser, Pot O'Brien,

who gets dropped
like a bad call.

I got a number for
you, 1-800-LOSER.

And my most painful
elimination of the day,

goes to David Hasselhoffbrau,

who is so desperate for a drink,

he dives head first into
our septic brown ale.

Helmet wear is a
must here at MXC,

otherwise your
brain gets jostled.

Yeah, your skull opens up and
your brains shoot out everywhere.

We should get rid of helmets.

It'd be awesome.

I can definitely see the
entertainment value in that.

Yeah, it'd be cool. Imus blows.

Right you are, Kenny.

So, take us out of here, huh.

Baba Booey. Go ahead, anytime.

What do we always say?

[All] Don't get eliminated!

♪♪ [theme]

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