Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (2003–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Chick Flicks vs. Tough Guys - full transcript

It's a cinematic bonanza as the big screen Tough Guys go head-to-head with the box office Chick Flicks...it's the classic battle of Rambo versus Romance. Games - Slippery Slope of Slanted ...

[Announcer] Get
fired up for MXC,

the world's most toughest
competition in town.

Today, it's a cinematic bonanza

as the big screen Tough Guys

with the box
office Chick Flicks.

It's the Schwarzeneggers
versus the Zellwegers.

And now, here's
our own leading men,

Kenny Blankenship
and Vic Romano.

[Ken] Oh, yeah. Take
the top off? Yeah.

Oh, how's that? Ha
ha! You like that, huh?

Come on, Ken. The
show's about to begin.



[girls giggling] [groaning]

Come on, aren't you dressed yet?

Dance? Yeah, oh, okay.

Hey, Vic, think fast.

Whoo, whoo. It's
cold in here, huh?

Are you girls cold?

Kenny, have you been
into my glove compartment?

♪♪ [techno]

Oh! Kenny... What are you doing?

I'm recreating a scene
from my favorite chick flicks,

Girls Gone Crazy.

It's not a chick flick, Ken.

It's a commercial
for a tasteless video.

Oh, what about Showgirls, with
that chick from Saved By The Bell



is riding that poll up and down.

And she had no tan lines.

Now you're talking
cinema, my friend.

Yeah, she was a great actress.

Oh! What is this?

Check it out, Vic. It's Grandbo.

Ah, yes, the
geriatric action hero

and team leader of
today's tough guys.

Yeah. Grandbo.

I'm John Granbo.

I can only eat jell-o.

Hey, Vic, are you
as excited as I am?

I told Granbo that you
said you could kick his ass.

Go ahead, fight.

I'm not going to fight him!
He's a trained killing machine.

Has anyone seen my cardigan?

I'm feeling a little cold.

I don't know. Maybe I
will have a go at him.

Let's go down to Guy.

Guy, here, unseen, as
advanced tickets on sale

for Slyvester Stallone's
new sequel, Rocky VI,

entitled, Rocky
Fights Incontinence.

Of course, Guy prefers
romantic comedies like

Showgirls and Kill Bill.

John 3:17. Today the tough
guys take on the good girls.

On the Slippery
Slope of Slanted Death.

Then we stumble to the
Tumbling Dominoes of Doom.

Then we muddy our
ball and Catch Hell.

And finally, we find
out who's the toughest

of all in Log Drop.

So get ready to
butter your popcorn.

Guy's pumped for
some box office boffo.

Question: Who feels Hollywood
only makes macho movies

for men and
tear-jerkers for the gals?

It's either muscles or mensies
and nothing for everyone.

Show of hands, now.

[cheering] Well, you're wrong.

There are macho films that
appeal to men and women.

And they all star Queen LaBeffa.

[murmuring]

What do you celebrity
look-alikes have to say?

Captain, a lot of people say
I look like Renée Zellweger,

only prettier.

Hand to God, I was told
I look like Minnie Driver

by the same person.
[laughs] Twice.

I don't look like anyone

but I'm told that
my right hand looks

a lot like Sandra
Bullock's left hand.

Interesting. I, too,
started as a hand model

and worked my way
up to full facials and hair.

Thank you for asking.

Let's go! [cheering]

[Vic] And it's time for

the Slippery Slope
of Slanted Death.

The team with the
most players over

the super-heated solar panels
will be declared the winner.

But the scorching hot panels
are the least of their worries.

[Ken] Yeah, on the backside,

it's Mani's
ready-to-pour man mud.

On the front side, it's
ladies lemony liquid.

Right you are.
We're into the action.

And first over,
that's Val Silver,

who's currently
between projects.

Yeah, I think his last
movie was The Taint.

Right you are. Then, of course,

is the star of Goonies:
Sanchez Dancing, Patrick Slayze.

And there, of course,
Christina Recci.

Once again riding the monstrous
coattails of Charzlies Theron.

And there, of course, Belgian bad
boy she-male, Jean Claude Van Dang.

That's the stars of Romy
and Michele's Reunion,

Lisa Krudho and Mira Sorpino.

And who could mistake
that unique profile.

It's Gala Rider from Anaconda.

Women love Anaconda.

Oh, and here's tough
guy, hall of famer

Whoopi Goldberg,

famous for playing the
Predator without makeup.

Yeah, she makes
one ugly monster.

Yes, she does. There's
cross-vestite Hugo Queaving,

from Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert.

Oh! Oh!

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

Take us through it, Ken.

He lands right on his push back

and puts it right
into his coccyx.

A clear-cut case of
coccyx shock syndrome

if I've ever seen it.

[laughs] You said "coccyx."

It looks like our very own
Guy LeDouche getting hosed,

along with Whoopi.

Yeah, and from Brown Spiderman,

it's Tobey Maguire
and Kirsten Dunst.

And there are two
of Charlie's Angels,

Stammering Diaz and
Drew B-B-B-B... Lucy Liu.

Okay, you go.
All right, I'll go.

There goes Guy
giving Hugo a hand up.

I can't see Mr. Peepers. Oh!

And here come the macho
stars of The Three Amigos.

Chevy Short, Steve
Chase, and Martin Martin.

And there, of course,
Debra Swinger,

star of the ultimate chick flick

about a cancer-ridden wife
and her philandering husband,

Yeah, Sperms of Endearment.

Right you are. Oh! And just
making it in under the wire

it's the star of Sex
Man, Huge Jackman.

He played Vulverine. Indeed.

And so the Tough Guys
take the lead, one to nothing.

Hey, Vic, how about this idea?

I'm going to combine chick
flicks and action heroes

and call it Full Metal
Jacket With Matching Shoes.

I have a big
surprise ending, too.

Okay, let's hear it.

There's a really nice wedding
and everyone kind of blows up.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

it's a tumbling
test of total terror.

And a bunch of other "T" words.

Got it, knob jockey?

[Announcer] MXC is back
for more movie madness.

It's celluloid versus cellulite.

Wow, Vic, where'd
you get the gun?

Well, this is an official
storm trooper laser, Ken.

Like on Star Wars? Does it work?

Easy, easy. Of course it does.

Here, I need you to put this
bull's eye on for protection.

Where should I
put it? Right here?

Between my eyes?

Ah, good thinking.
Okay. Okay, Ken.

Now, you're the Terminator,

as played by Arnold
Schiezenhager.

Yeah. "Hasta la vista, baby."

Uh-huh. [laughs] "I'll be back!"

Yes. "It's not a tumor."

"Do it." Aah!

Wow, that thing's really loaded.

Yes, of course it is.

I thought you'd appreciate
the realism, Ken.

"Do it." Now, move!

"Kill me now. Kill me."

Oh! Oh, ah.

Backfire. Uhh.

Never going to buy
anything off eBay.

Oh man, my ears are bleeding.

We could be action heroes.

Yes. Kenny, don't move.

I'm missing a lobe.

[Vic] It's time for Tumbling
Dominoes of Doom.

Don't get caught
between the two-ton tiles

or you'll get crushed
and suffer permanent

and irreversible death.

And now entering
the crevice-like crack,

Napoleonic tough
guy... Get it on!

Joe Pesky.

[high-pitched voice] Do
I make you laugh, huh?

You, of course, will remember
him as Tommy DeVito

from the Goodfellas film.

Oh! Oh!

[Ken] Yeah, he's
the only gangster

who has to use a step
ladder to stab you in the heart.

Right you are, Ken.

And let's take another look.

He gets whacked in the head
and winds up on a cold slab.

I need a bath.

And here's Vagena Davis,
from Stoma and the Weeds.

Oh! She's down, Ken.

She should have drove
off that cliff in the beginning.

And then you could
sneak in to another theater.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

And here, of course, Al Camino,

who played the brutal
killer in Scarface.

He wasn't that bad.

All he wanted to do was
knock off his enemies

and knock up his sister. Oh!

Oh! And it look like
he knocked himself off.

Oh, my hand still smells
like Kenny Cheesney.

And next up, it's
Bidet Zellwegger

from Bridget Jone"
Diaphram I & II.

She shared some
of her beauty secrets.

Sometimes it's
fun to starve myself

to the point of renal
failure [laughs]...

to take on a new role. Yeah.

Everyone's still laughing about her
failed marriage to Kenny Chesney.

And then she said,
"You lost me at 'I' m gay.'"

I thought she was delightful
in Chicago and... Oh!

She's done it.
Let's see that again.

All right, let's do it quick.

You have control of the board.

She runs across,
makes it, blah, blah, blah.

Next. Well done.

Fudge Ripple X.

And up, adult film
action star, Skin Diesel.

Oh! Oh! Oh, my head.

Yeah, he was great in
The Fist and the Furious.

And The Chronicles of Raudick.

And that is our
MXC Impact Relay.

Skin Diesel doesn't
look so pumped anymore.

I go mud in my eye!

Here's Hollywood
flavor of the month,

Rachel McAddamsfamily. Oh!

Oh! Yeah, she was a
mean girl in that movie...

What was it? Uh, Mean Girls?

No, that's not it.

And there's Jesse Jackson
from the Rainbow Colonation

And Jackson gets some
back action... [farting noise]

And she cries foul.

Yeah, roughy boy.

And from Fight Club
fame, it's Ed Norton.

And that movie
was really violent.

Some chick kicked my
ass for cutting in line. Oh!

Oh! And Norton is
history, American X style.

Let's go to our MXC
Pun-filled Replay.

Yeah, isn't he dating
that Sellmy Kayak chick?

I understand they met on eBay.

He gets tons of
auction. I bet he does.

Barry Manilow
lives with his mom!

And from Beaches, it's
the bovine Miss Anne,

Butt Midler.

Yeah, I like the urban
remake, Biotches.

Right you are. Oh!

And there's certainly no
wind beneath those wings.

[laughs]

To hell with love!

And here, of course,
Robert Dinero.

Who has not been
able to top Godfather II

or Raging Bull. Here's
what he had to say.

I'd say Analyze That
and Meet the Fockers

were my best work so far.

Yeah, so far.

Yeah, he was really
great as that deaf guy

in Stench of a Woman. Ah-hoo.

Oh! Let's take another look.

Like you, Kenny, not one
thing right about that run.

My movies bite!

And up next, it's
Clarice Witherspoon,

from The Silence of the Blondes.

Yeah, she played
that ditzy blonde lawyer

that dude wanted to
eat with fava beans.

Right you are. And, oh!

She chewed up
that win right there

with a nice Chianti.

So, thanks to
Clarice Witherspoon

and Bidet Zellwegger,

the leading ladies of
lamentations lead 2 to 1.

Okay, Vic, this is a
Spooghetti Western.

The Gunfight at
the All-Gay Corral.

You're Wyatt Slurp
and you're gonna fight

that Wild Big Hickock.

Here we go. Take it off safety.

Hello?

Action. And Action!

Shoot him, you varmint!

My gun's bigger than
yours. There you go.

Shoot him, Vic. Switch to laser.

Oh!

Ahh!

Oh, my head is flaming.

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

Catch Hell for those muddy runs.

[laughs] Got it, Blow Pop?

[Announcer] MXC is back

as the movie ass kickers

take on the moody
chick flickers.

And now, a scene from Thelma
and Louise 2, The Musical.

♪ I love to rob and
cheat and steal and kill ♪

♪ With her I drive a car
right off that hill, old hag ♪

♪ I got Tom Cruise ♪

♪ I'm a way better
woman than you ♪

Wait a second, Katie.
Tom was mine first.

And that's in my shot.
Now, what did you say?

I said, I'm having Tom's baby.

He got me pregnant all by
himself, you barren old hag.

Oh, really? Look,
Dawson's crack whore,

if you have something
to say about me,

why don't we
just take it outside.

Okay, well, your
self-indulgent performance

in Eyes Wide Shut sucked.

Oh, really? And another thing,

I don't appreciate you taking Batman
away from me, you opportunistic tramp.

Interesting. Um-hmm. Well,
I'm glad we cleared the air.

♪ You're frigid and flat ♪

♪ As an actress, you're a hack ♪

Thelma and Louise
2, The Musical.

Opening city-wide.
Vic, I gotta tell you.

I'd rather have my nads ripped
off than go see that musical.

The whole notion of Tom Cruise
fathering a child still cracks me up.

[both laugh]

And it's time for Catch Hell.

Trench through the
sludge, snatch the orb,

keep your ball sparkly clean.

[whistle]

Here's Smell Gibson,

we all know from the
Lethal Weapon movies.

I thought number two stunk.

Oh, and that run
definitely reeked!

Next up, Academy Award
winning adult star Meryl Stripped.

Yeah, she was great
in Cramer Vs. Cramer.

Right you are, Ken. Let's
see what she does here.

She's lined up and... Oh!

You know, I actually cried
during The Rear Hunter.

Right you are, Ken.

Yo, Adrian!

And up next, the
tough guy's tough guy.

Slyvester Stallone.

Think Rambo could
kick Rocky's ass?

Never thought about it,
Ken. Oh! And he's down.

No, really. Pick one. I think
Rambo 'cause he can ride a camel.

Whatever you say,
Ken. And next up...

Hold on.

Little trouble getting started.

That, of course, writer,
producer and self-hiring actress,

Nia Lardalos.

And, oh! She gets hit in
her big fat Greek nose.

Right you are.

Did you sit on the
Acrapolis? [laughs]

Ken, let's see that again.

And of course, like her
movie, she is a one-hit wonder.

She watches it
all just slip away.

Indeed.

Do it now!

Here's ultimate action
hero Arnold Schiezenhager.

[laughs] He's the
governor of California.

Oh! And Arnold
falls short of his goal

and is bitterly defeated.

A little mud slinging
gone awry, for sure, Ken.

And what is today's
septic sludge?

That's steamy Trojan horse
droppings from the set of Troy.

Leonardo's kind of fey!

And here, of
course, Kate Windslit

from the romantic
disaster film Titantric.

That movie was
totally anti-climaxic. Oh!

Oh! Well, they were
going down for three hours.

Until the vessel, of course, broke
in half. Let's take another look, Ken.

Yeah, she made the mistake of
trying to catch it with her hands.

Right you are. Let's
go down to Guy.

It's so wonderful being
next to a real man.

So big, so strong, so viral.

In Titantric, when Leo was
made to touch my lady berries,

he stared at his
hands for hours,

as if they were infected.

[Guy laughs]

And it's action star,
Harrison Board.

Yeah, my favorite Indiana Bones

was The Temple of Poon.

Right you are. Oh! He's down.

I enjoyed Harrison's work
in the Amish thriller, Witness.

It's me. Short Rim.
I'm all grown up!

That's proportional.
Spray with mace!

And the actress who played
the title role in Mr. Right,

it's Ellen Degenerate.

If I hooked up with Ellen,
would that make me gay?

Only if you liked it, Ken.

Let's see what happens.
And oh! She does it!

Of course, a girl who's good at
sports can only mean one thing.

She's a winner.

Yeah, I saw Ellen
and her lady friend

eating out at a
restaurant the other day.

[whistle] And out next,
it's Russell Crones

of Master and Commander
and Gladiator. Oh!

Oh! I heard they were going to
combine them and make it Masterator.

Well, he's gonna have to
get a lot better with his hands!

That ball bounced off him like
the phone off a bellman's head.

And that is our
MXC Impact Relay.

As you can see, Crones
gets down under it...

And catches it like
a Cinderella Man.

And that is definitely
not A Beautiful Mind.

From Annie Hall and
Something's Gotta Give,

it's Diane Kretin.

Yeah, her nude scene made
me undo my Lasik surgery.

Right you are. Oh!

She certainly didn't have
her eye on that ball, Ken.

What a shame. And last
up, for the Tough Guys,

it's Irish actor and
drunk, Colin Farrell.

You left out midget.
Right you are, Ken.

Oh! Colin's gonna need a
cleansing after that mud bath.

Let's see that again.

[laughs] Tough Guys have
had several chances to win,

but Colin wrecked 'em.

But the ladies
brought in a ringer,

Ellen Degenerate,

who gave the Chick
Flixers a 3 to 1 lead.

Hey, Guy here.

This is where they actually
shot the movie Predator.

Arnold's booby-trapped
tree was up there,

rigged to strike the
monster without warning.

Oh, I hear something
approaching!

What could it be?

Oh, look, it's me. [moaning]

[Announcer] When MXC returns,

drop your mouse and
get ready to "log" on

and "log" off.

Got it, toe cheese?

[Announcer] MXC is
back for the final battle

of non-stop actioners
taking on fatal attractioners.

Hey, anybody wanna fight?

Okay, my friend.

Looks like you've been
spending a little time at the gym.

Yeah, I'm rock
hard. Indeed you are.

Look at those pecs. Impressive.

Yeah. Not bad.

But it looks like you may have
neglected your lower body a tad.

Yeah, I need to
do some rope work.

Indeed you do, my friend.

Okay, of course, you'll
be playing Rocky Balboa

in the famous
scene from Rocky IV.

And of course, you'll be
fighting Drago Smirnoff.

A White Russian is
going to lick me? Uh.

[grunting]

Keep moving. Fight me.

Remember you're representing
all the fighters from film.

Oh, he's down! Hey, get back up!

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, remember, the champs!

Jake LaMotta... Help me.

Rocky Balboa.

Don't ever cut me down, Ray.

There you go, Ken!

[growling]

Keep moving. Dance.

Oh! Right there.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Just stay down, my
little Million Dollar Baby.

Got me, Vic. Got me.

[Vic] Now, the premise
of Log Drop is simple.

Stay dry, good. Get wet, bad.

[whistle] Get it on!

And first up, the star
of Die Semi-Hard,

Bruce Willis.

Yippie-ki-a, mother [bleep]!

Yeah, I even like
his chick flicks.

Pump Friction and
The Whole Nine Inches.

Right you are. Let's
see what he does here.

He's moving across nicely. Oh!

A Brucie and Bruno
into a scissors kick.

Looks like he
might be trying for

an Ashton Croucher, Ken.

Let's see what happens.

He's using his
Sixth Sense. Indeed.

And there, of course,
Moonlighting as a loser!

Oh! And he is down.
Damn it! Damn it!

And what is today's sludge, Ken?

Well, it wasn't easy to
get, but it's eye duct cheese

and tissue squeezings from
the Merchant Ivory Film Festival.

Ah, another good grab
from the MXC fluid folks.

And you can see
right here Mr. Willis...

Definitely not Unbreakable.

Damn it! Damn it!

I played Dennis Quaid!

And of course, the adorable
star of Meatless in Seattle,

Mug Ryan.

Oh! Oh!

And that is our
MXC Impact Replay.

I thought she was great in
You've Got Male Genitalia.

Right you are, Ken. See
right there? She goes face first.

But fortunately, her new
collagen lips break her fall.

I need a loan!

And here's the brooding
yet difficult, Nicky Rourke.

Oh! Oh!

I thought he was
out of the business.

Actually, he was just in Domino.

So he is out of the business.

Let's take another
look at that, Ken.

Didn't he have that surgery that
made him look like a burned woman?

Well right there, he
just looks like a pinball.

And up next, Julie Roberts.

I don't do shout-outs.

And of course, she
starred in the feel-good

dirty whore film of the
century, Pretty Woman.

Didn't she also play
Seabiscuit's teat?

Oh! I believe she did.

And that end is as ugly as
her ex-husband, Lyle Lovett.

[Guy] Guy is a big fan!

May I tell you you
have a nice fanny?

Would you like to
show me the twins?

Well, I didn't bring them.

Oh, yes you did. Tilt up, boys.

Here, turn this way.

I bet you can't touch your
elbows behind your back.

Oh, I'm not falling for
that one again, Guy!

Can you touch your toes?

Rawhide.

And up next, Tough Guy
and Oscar-winning director

Clint Eatswood, who had
this to say about his image.

I am looking like the
Crypt Keeper, but I'm rich.

Cling claims he's too old
to make tough guy movies

and wants to go into
the chick flick business,

with his remake of When
Dirty Harry Met Sally.

This is a .44 magnum
of champagne,

the most powerful
booze in the world.

It'll take your top clean off.

You want to get lucky, drunk?

[laughs] That was a fabulous
Charles Bronson, Ken.

And look, he scores!
My neck hurts.

Up next it's... Oh! Oh!

Recovering, it's George Cooney.

The dark, brooding
romantic lead.

Man, he gets all the
chicks. Right you are.

He's worked with likes of
Catherine Zeta Jones and J.Lo.

Yeah. Good Night and
Good Luck, George Cooney.

Right you are.
My rug's too tight.

Up next, Nicholas Rage,
famous for doing Con Hair

and then it was
Gone in 60 Seconds.

Yeah, he does shameless
plugs for his movies and his hair.

Right you are, Ken.

Moving along nicely.

Oh! Oh!

And it looked like he almost
crushed his National Treasures.

I'm Almost Famous!

And here, of course,
the perky Kate Chubson.

Yeah, her mom is Oldie Hawn.

Aah! Right you are. Oh!

And Kate shows us how to
Lose a Game in 10 Seconds.

So, Clint Eatswood
scores but it wasn't enough

as the Chick Flixers
win it all, 3 to 2.

Wow, I can't believe it's over.

Well, actually Ken,
there's still one battle left

between the little ladies
and the macho men.

Granbo, if you please.

Oh, Grandbo's
back. He's had a nap.

He didn't change his
nappy though. Whoo!

There you see.

I told you kids to
stay off my lawn.

Stop picking my flowers.

Little cranky from being
woken up too soon.

See I told you it would work.

Who's he going to fight?
Ah, patience my friend.

You smell like moth
balls. Indeed he does.

What the hell is going on?

Prepare for the
cinematic reveal.

You kids want me to
fight a stained sheet?

No, it's what's behind
this soiled linen.

Behold! [laughs]

Male chick flick action
hero Ewan McGrowler

from Moulin Spluge. Which
undies are Nicole Kidman's?

Hold this. Oh, thanks.

Cool, it's an Uzi.

There we are. [cracking sounds]

I'll step aside
here. [screaming]

Break him in half. All right.

Oh, we've got
a... [farting noises]

Oh, it burns. Ew.

That wasn't in the
script. No ad libbing!

[Announcer] It's time for...

[Ken] Starting at number 10,

it's Hugo Queaving,
who lands so hard

he could star in
Lord of the Sufferings.

At number 9,

it's actor Joe Pesky,
who I told to break a leg

but instead, he broke his neck.

Ouch.

And number 8
goes to Nia Lardalos,

who is a big fat geek loser.

She fell on her Acropolass.

Number 7 goes to Bruised Willis

who's getting more
action from this log

than he ever got with Demi.

And at number 6,
it's Three Amigos,

Chevy Short, who must
have a slippery slope

of slanted death wish.

At number 5, adult
action star Skin Diesel

who falls out faster
than the hair on his head.

And then everything
goes Pitch Black.

And number 4 goes to me, Kenny.

I'm boxing a rope-a-dope.

He looks like a butter face,
and I get stung like a bee.

At number 3 has
to be Nicky Rourke,

who has a vicious
fall at Log Drop.

I've given that
run a 9 1/2 Weeks.

And number 2 goes to Ed Norton

who goes from the Fight
Club to the Fright Club

with this bruising fall.

And... my most painful
elimination of the day

goes to...

Mug Ryan, who just
destroys her beautiful face

with that log. That's
not a chick flick.

That's a
make-a-me-sick flick. Ew.

Ah, I love it.

Yes, Kenny, why
don't you take us out?

What do we always say?
[all] Don't get eliminated!

Yes, I don't know
if you noticed, Ken,

but I had my lower
lobe re-attached.

[laughs]

They put it on the
wrong side, though.

I'm sorry, what? It's backwards.

Are you talking? [laughs]

I can see your mouth moving.

Ah, you can't hear.

They put this on the
wrong side, didn't they?

Homo says what? What?

[laughs] What?

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Ha!