Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 9 - Alienation - full transcript
Mearth runs away upon realizing he's an alien.
MORK:
Na-no, na-no.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
All right, you've seen
what we did to him.
Now, tell me
where the others are hiding.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Somehow that makes me so excited.
[HUMMING]
Hold on. There we go.
And the crowning touch.
Finished at last.
More than one way to make
a child eat healthy food.
Today a vegetable snowman,
tomorrow a liver collie.
[MEARTH SOBBING]
Oh, Mearth, Mearth, look what Daddy
made especially for you. Yes!
[GROANS]
Oh, sweetheart,
stop crying, it's all right.
No, it isn't all right.
It isn't. I don't have any friends.
None at all.
Nobody will play with me.
I feel just like George Steinbrenner.
Son, wait! Wait, you haven't even seen
what happens when I add the gravy.
[MEARTH GROANING]
Poor little guy.
He was having such a good time
in the park on the sled hill
- and then he tried to get on toboggan…
- Wait a minute.
You went to the sled hill
and you didn't take me?
Will you let me finish please?
He tried to get on the toboggan,
and when he did,
the parents pulled all their kids off.
They thought he was a man.
Oh, Mork, you should've seen
the look on his face.
He's starting to realize
he's different.
You're right, Mind.
I guess he doesn't buy our story
about being just big-boned, huh?
Well, it's time to tell him
that he's half-Orkan
- and half an Earthling.
- Wait a minute.
He still might be too young
to accept it, Mork.
Let's just wait till he's older or younger.
Or… Whatever.
Oh, come on now, Mind,
he can accept it.
He's half a superior being.
I mean look at me, I'm an alien
and I have made
a remarkable adjustment. You see…
Do I smell salad burning?
Probably.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Oh, I forgot to baste it.
It's not a pretty picture,
but, you know, it's homemade.
[SCREAMS]
I should never cook on medication.
MINDY:
Oh, Mork.
Let's just try to protect him
for a while longer. He's just a child.
Daddy, could I borrow one
of your new razor blades?
The reason I ask is mine are all dull
from trying to sharpen my crayons.
Oh, surely, son.
See, I wanna get this real clean,
so that I can play with the kids,
or they in turn will play with me.
You know, solitaire is a game,
but it's not a way of life.
- Maybe now is the time to tell him.
- You're right, Mind.
This is a very delicate situation.
We have to choose the words
very carefully.
MINDY:
What's that?
Well, the title is Rejection
Descending a Staircase.
It's my blue period.
Oh, don't feel that way, sweetheart.
You have Mommy and Daddy.
Not just Mommy and Daddy,
it's Mommy and Daddy and…
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
Señor Goodnews.
[MIMICKING
SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Señor Goodnews has something he
wants to tell you, doesn't he, Daddy?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
He sure does, Mind.
What about that, Señor Goodnews?
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Why should
I? He's your child. Take responsibility.
Oh-ho-ho.
- One of you tell him.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] All right.
Tell you what, let's take a vote.
What do you vote for?
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
I vote for the shiksa queen.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Me too. It's unanimous.
Are you chickening out?
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
You got it, sweet shorts.
Mearth, sweetheart,
have you ever noticed
that you aren't exactly
like all the other kids?
Of course.
For instance,
the other day in the market,
I was the only kid that couldn't get
in the wire basket.
Mearth, sweetheart,
the reason is, you see…
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
The reason is, son, me.
You see,
I'm not exactly a hometown boy.
I'm not even in the ballpark,
as they say.
I'm from another planet.
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
No!
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Stop that, Daddy.
Stop it, you mustn't…
You mustn't kid around
like that with me,
especially when I'm your only child.
Sweetheart, Daddy isn't kidding.
Maybe Mommy can explain it better.
Look over here, Mearth.
MORK: See, Mommy's using visual
aids. She's telling the story really well.
That's the letter O.
This is the planet Earth.
You were born here and so was I.
And way over here,
millions and millions of miles away,
- is the planet Ork.
MORK: Yes, you see.
Ork, the "Show Me" planet.
I flew all the way from Ork
back here to Earth.
I don't know. I just don't like
the tone of this conversation.
Son, you see,
I was sent here to observe.
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Si?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, si, observe.
And I met your mother
and she couldn't keep her hands
off me, and the rest is history.
And that means that you're
half-Orkan and half-Earthling.
Is that why I'm different
from the rest of the kids?
Well, just for a little while.
But pretty soon you'll look like them
because you see,
the Orkan part of you is aging
backwards so you're getting smaller.
And the older you get,
the younger you'll look,
just like Lena Horne.
See how unique you are,
sweetheart?
I'm not unique.
I'm a freak.
Kids call me Butchie,
the dog-faced boy.
Oh, sweetheart,
don't you ever think that.
You know, on Ork,
all the kids look just like you.
And someday Daddy's
gonna take us there.
Well, why can't he
take us there now?
MINDY: Well, we can't go there now,
sweetheart,
because you live here with us
and Grandma and Grandpa.
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] And me with
these little, stupid balls on my head.
[MIMICKING
SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Why me?
Why do I have to be different?
Well, being different isn't bad.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on now,
son, look. Look at the good side.
You'll never have to do jury duty,
you'll never have a vaccination mark.
And you can do wonderful neato things
like this. Watch.
[SQUEAKING]
- No, no. Stop it. Stop it. No.
- Mork, you're scaring him.
Mearth, sweetheart, I know it's hard
for you to understand now,
but later you'll see
that you're very unique
and there's no one else like you
in the whole universe.
Yeah. We love you,
little half-and-half pint.
I don't know. This has all gotten
terribly heavy for me all of a sudden.
I have to be alone, that's all.
I have to be alone.
Okay, well, we'll be downstairs
if you need us, all right?
Okay.
Poor Mearth.
Probably harder for him to understand
than an episode of Hill Street Blues.
MINDY:
Don't.
[MORK MUMBLING]
Mind, I love it
when you wear just the hat.
[MORK GRUNTS]
Animal.
[MEOWS]
Oh. Mearth, breakfast time!
Come and get it, come on now.
- Mind! Mind, he's not there.
- What? What?
He's gone. This was on his bed.
Oh, no.
Mork, I knew we shouldn't tell him
he's an alien.
- Mearth's run away.
- Let's be calm now.
I'll go out and look for him and you stay
here in case he comes back.
- How you gonna know where to look?
- Be brave, little "pooter."
We Orkans have an incredible way
of communicating with each other.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Mearth!
Mearth!
Where the hell are you?
No one's ever gonna be able
to fill my kid's shoes.
If they had these on the Titanic,
four more people would have lived.
Oh, Mork, we've looked everywhere.
We just can't find him.
- We're gonna have to call the police.
- Oh, no way, Mind.
If they find out he's our child,
they'll lock us up.
And I'm not that eager to see
a Johnny Cash concert.
Did you find him?
- Yes and no.
- What do you mean?
The airport,
I saw him at the airport.
If he wandered in the coffee shop,
he's probably still waiting for service.
- Come on, Mind, let's go.
- No, no, no.
He's with those cult people
in the black robes.
The Utopians?
Yes, they wouldn't let me
speak to him.
A cop told me Mearth was a grown man
and could do whatever he wanted to.
Next thing I knew, they were
driving him away in a van.
Mind, come on,
let's put the pedal to the metal,
hop in the Jeep and go find Mearth.
Mork, it's not gonna be that easy.
Remember when I did that piece
on the Utopians?
Yes, and they'll brainwash people
until they'll give up everything.
Even their identities.
Oh, sounds like a cult we had
on Ork called the Rosorryians.
They try, but they can't get the stains
out of your dry cleaning.
Well, if we can't call the police,
what are we gonna do?
We're gonna take action
because nothing's gonna stop me
from finding my child,
except for one thing,
I don't know where he is.
The Utopians have a retreat up in
the mountains not too far from here.
But it's protected like a fortress
with barbed wire and guard dogs.
Sounds like it'd be easier to get
James Watt into the Sierra Club.
The only thing we can do is to try
and break him out ourselves.
Mindy, that sounds dangerous
and I'm gonna go with you.
No, Dad, you'd really be better
if you'd stay here by the phone.
He might call.
And if we're not back by midnight,
turn off the Crock-Pot.
All right, Mind, haul tush, haul tush.
BABA HOPE:
Utopians, welcome our new brother.
Baba Swell has taken his first steps
to a life of eternal devotion,
which reminds me,
our love is strong,
but candle sales, they're slipping.
Now I want everyone
to go their separate ways
and meditate on the color green.
You know something,
Baba Hope, you talk pretty.
Now, Baba Swell,
it is time for you to rid yourself
of all your worldy possessions.
Jewelry, money,
second-trust deeds?
I really don't have any of those things,
but I have Bonzo.
He's thin. That's because I stepped
on him about a half a dozen times.
- Is that all?
- Not quite.
I have a half a yo-yo.
It's a yo.
Never mind.
You go, continue training
with your love broom.
Eventually you'll get your full heart
and graduate to busboy on steak night.
I don't believe I caught your name.
My name is Baba Gentle.
I knew it.
[CHUCKLES]
Baba Gentle. Bye-bye, Bonzo.
Bye-bye, yo.
Some outsider tried to interfere with us
taking him at the airport.
To avoid any trouble, we're shipping
him out tonight to our Oregon retreat.
We have a worker convert
and we're keeping him.
Mork, come on. I'm in.
MORK: I can't, Mind, I've got my hem
caught in a sprinkler head.
[FABRIC RIPS]
MORK:
Ow!
Why couldn't we have gotten those
designer robes with the slit up the side?
MINDY:
Shh!
Let's just find Mearth
and get out of here.
You check up the stairs
and I'll look through here.
Mind, Mind. I've got a better idea.
You check down here
and I'll hide under your robe.
I'm just as scared as you are,
but we gotta think about Mearth.
- Right. Who?
- Somebody's coming. Shh.
[HUMS]
So that's what happened
to our old anchorman.
Let's get these robes back or there's
gonna be one judge looking real casual.
BABA GENTLE:
You sweep up in here.
I will go feed the love attack dogs.
Goody, goody, Baba Gentle.
And say hello to Baba Bow-wow
for me, will you?
Mearth, don't scream, it's us.
Mommy and Daddy,
I'm not Mearth anymore.
No, I'm Baba Swell.
Everybody here loves me.
I went out to the airport, you see,
to try to get some flights to Ork.
There were no flights.
Who came along
but the Babas to save me.
They were good to me.
This place is like Utopia,
you understand, except the food.
Ugh.
All right, sweetheart,
Mommy knows all about this place
and it's not what you think.
Come on, we're taking you home.
I can't, I can't. I can't go. I can't.
You see, I'm Baba's love child.
Oh, no, Mork. They've gotten to him.
What will we do?
It's all right, Mind.
I can deprogram him.
So Baba Love loves you, huh?
Well, where was Baba Love
when you had that cold, huh? Hmm?
Did Baba Love take you to the park
and teach you
how to eat string cheese
and, enh, like that?
- No.
- Shh. Come on, it's time to go now.
I can't. I want you meet my friends.
Wait, wait,
I want you to meet my friends.
MINDY: No, we can't.
MORK: Mearth, Mearth!
- What's going on here?
- Anybody order a Zen pizza?
He was trying to take me home
and I just…
Outsiders. Seize them!
Easy, easy, please,
be gentle with them, be gentle.
- Let go!
- Ow!
Is this the way you treat emissaries
of Baba Love?
If you're emissaries, why are
your robes different from ours?
Well, these are our away uniforms.
This is an outrage! We bring you
a special message from Baba Love.
Yes, yes, ditto.
Children, perhaps this is the dental
plan we've all been chanting for.
- What is it?
- What is it?
Yes. Tell them what it is, Baba Loo.
Thank you, thank you, Baba Pooter.
[IN INDIAN ACCENT]
Baba Love sends his love
and so does his brother Bubba,
who plays for the Green Bay Packers.
You know, Baba Love not only sends
his love because Baba Love is love.
Score now, love-love.
I want to talk about love
just for a moment.
We know that love is a wonderful
thing. It is a powerful thing.
And sometimes it is misspelled
by girls dancing
at Grateful Dead concerts,
going "Love, look it love."
We know… We know that this can
be a meaningful experience.
But love is no substitute
for recreation.
What Baba Love wants to plan
for the 80s is a new concept:
Play!
Yes, let's put the fun back
in fundamentalism.
You know what I'm saying?
Because now, we're going to have
the first annual
Baba Love Scavenger Hunt!
[CHEERING]
They're lying!
Utopians don't go
on scavenger hunts.
You dare doubt the word
of Baba Love?
Oh, make two lines now.
Let's put together
a little human car wash.
Okay, ladies, there we are.
We must decide what we are going
to look for on our scavenger hunt.
Okay? Here's a list of things
we'll all be looking for.
Number one, one burning
or badly-charred bush.
One… Also, one partially hidden truth,
some new or used karma,
anything else you can find,
one copy of The Prophet
autographed by Shaun Cassidy,
uh, one pair of Naugahyde
women's panties.
Now, first couple back wins
a dinner for two
at Baba Love's House
of Prayer and Ribs.
So good luck, happy hunting
and be here now, if not, get there later.
Don't move!
Whoa. You're really generating
some negative energy here.
I think what you need is a sign
from Baba Love.
[SQUEAKING]
BABA HOPE:
Whoa!
Heh.
You got it.
All you Baba's,
A through M, follow me.
The rest are on your own.
MINDY: Wait a minute, Mearth.
- I'm going on a scavenger hunt.
MORK:
Bup-bup-bup.
Mearth, we just wanna talk to you
for a minute.
But I wanna catch up with them.
I don't wanna be left behind.
Mearth, Mearth,
why did you run away?
Well, because I was an alien.
The kids wouldn't play with me
and I finally…
I finally found a place
where everybody was the same.
So you wanna be
just like everybody else, huh?
Well, Mearth,
that's an easy thing to do.
That's very safe.
But being different,
well, that takes a lot of courage.
All right, you can stay here
and never have to think,
or make a decision for yourself.
Or you can go out
and go to the real world
and have joyous confrontations
with hypocrisy,
violence, nuclear holocaust,
and over-bearing sales people.
Yes, Daddy's right.
There are a lot of bad things,
but mostly there's good in the world.
Oh, please come home, Mearth.
No one could ever love you
as much as us.
We love you for who you are.
- That's right.
- Yes, but who am I?
You're Mearth McConnell, our son.
You want me to come home?
For sure?
- Yes.
- Okay, can I keep the robe?
- Yes.
- Can I go on the scavenger hunt?
- No.
- No.
Just testing.
Bye-bye, broom.
MEARTH: Boy, it's sure good to be
back in my little warm egg again.
Good night, sweetheart.
And remember, if you ever
have problems, you can come to us.
You don't have to run away.
We're your family.
Thank you, Mommy.
Good night, son.
Oh.
[MINDY CHUCKLES]
Oh.
MINDY: Go to sleep.
- I will.
Oh, Mork, it's so nice
to have him back.
And it's great to be a family again.
Oh, Mind, it's so nice now
that he knows he's an alien too.
Think of all the wonderful things
I can teach him.
I mean, teach him to sit on his face,
drink with his finger,
the old Orkan songs.
[SINGING IN ORKAN]
Mommy hates to be a killjoy,
but it's too late for Orkan stereo.
Good night, Mearth. Big kiss.
Why'd you cut us off, Mind? There
was a part for you in the musical.
[SQUEAKING]
MORK:
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in,
O Pudgy Potentate.
ORSON:
Mork, is that who I think it is?
Oh, yes, sir, it's the universe's one
and only Mearth McConnell.
Sir, it's been a very difficult week
for Mearth
because Mindy and I had to try and
explain the truth about his heritage.
ORSON:
He must have been devastated
to find out he was half-Earthling.
Oh, no, sir, au contraire,
it's the other way around, you see.
Finally he learned to accept
his birthright and his heritage
and the fact he can't order
off the children's menu.
ORSON: Very commendable, Mork.
- Thank you, sir.
ORSON: Now, let me say na-no
to the little fellow.
Oh, certainement, sir.
Mearth, come down here and say hello
to your godfather, the big O.
Na-no, sir.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
ORSON:
Na-no, Mearth.
I see you make up in manners
what your father lacks.
You better believe it, Fatso.
ORSON:
What?
Pardon me, sir. It's nap time.
We'd better be running along.
Until next week, Thunder Thighs,
Mork and Mearth signing off.
Na-no.
Na-no.
- Fatso?
- I called that guy…
[CHUCKLING]
Na-no, na-no.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
All right, you've seen
what we did to him.
Now, tell me
where the others are hiding.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Somehow that makes me so excited.
[HUMMING]
Hold on. There we go.
And the crowning touch.
Finished at last.
More than one way to make
a child eat healthy food.
Today a vegetable snowman,
tomorrow a liver collie.
[MEARTH SOBBING]
Oh, Mearth, Mearth, look what Daddy
made especially for you. Yes!
[GROANS]
Oh, sweetheart,
stop crying, it's all right.
No, it isn't all right.
It isn't. I don't have any friends.
None at all.
Nobody will play with me.
I feel just like George Steinbrenner.
Son, wait! Wait, you haven't even seen
what happens when I add the gravy.
[MEARTH GROANING]
Poor little guy.
He was having such a good time
in the park on the sled hill
- and then he tried to get on toboggan…
- Wait a minute.
You went to the sled hill
and you didn't take me?
Will you let me finish please?
He tried to get on the toboggan,
and when he did,
the parents pulled all their kids off.
They thought he was a man.
Oh, Mork, you should've seen
the look on his face.
He's starting to realize
he's different.
You're right, Mind.
I guess he doesn't buy our story
about being just big-boned, huh?
Well, it's time to tell him
that he's half-Orkan
- and half an Earthling.
- Wait a minute.
He still might be too young
to accept it, Mork.
Let's just wait till he's older or younger.
Or… Whatever.
Oh, come on now, Mind,
he can accept it.
He's half a superior being.
I mean look at me, I'm an alien
and I have made
a remarkable adjustment. You see…
Do I smell salad burning?
Probably.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Oh, I forgot to baste it.
It's not a pretty picture,
but, you know, it's homemade.
[SCREAMS]
I should never cook on medication.
MINDY:
Oh, Mork.
Let's just try to protect him
for a while longer. He's just a child.
Daddy, could I borrow one
of your new razor blades?
The reason I ask is mine are all dull
from trying to sharpen my crayons.
Oh, surely, son.
See, I wanna get this real clean,
so that I can play with the kids,
or they in turn will play with me.
You know, solitaire is a game,
but it's not a way of life.
- Maybe now is the time to tell him.
- You're right, Mind.
This is a very delicate situation.
We have to choose the words
very carefully.
MINDY:
What's that?
Well, the title is Rejection
Descending a Staircase.
It's my blue period.
Oh, don't feel that way, sweetheart.
You have Mommy and Daddy.
Not just Mommy and Daddy,
it's Mommy and Daddy and…
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
Señor Goodnews.
[MIMICKING
SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Señor Goodnews has something he
wants to tell you, doesn't he, Daddy?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
He sure does, Mind.
What about that, Señor Goodnews?
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Why should
I? He's your child. Take responsibility.
Oh-ho-ho.
- One of you tell him.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] All right.
Tell you what, let's take a vote.
What do you vote for?
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
I vote for the shiksa queen.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Me too. It's unanimous.
Are you chickening out?
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
You got it, sweet shorts.
Mearth, sweetheart,
have you ever noticed
that you aren't exactly
like all the other kids?
Of course.
For instance,
the other day in the market,
I was the only kid that couldn't get
in the wire basket.
Mearth, sweetheart,
the reason is, you see…
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
The reason is, son, me.
You see,
I'm not exactly a hometown boy.
I'm not even in the ballpark,
as they say.
I'm from another planet.
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
No!
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Stop that, Daddy.
Stop it, you mustn't…
You mustn't kid around
like that with me,
especially when I'm your only child.
Sweetheart, Daddy isn't kidding.
Maybe Mommy can explain it better.
Look over here, Mearth.
MORK: See, Mommy's using visual
aids. She's telling the story really well.
That's the letter O.
This is the planet Earth.
You were born here and so was I.
And way over here,
millions and millions of miles away,
- is the planet Ork.
MORK: Yes, you see.
Ork, the "Show Me" planet.
I flew all the way from Ork
back here to Earth.
I don't know. I just don't like
the tone of this conversation.
Son, you see,
I was sent here to observe.
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Si?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, si, observe.
And I met your mother
and she couldn't keep her hands
off me, and the rest is history.
And that means that you're
half-Orkan and half-Earthling.
Is that why I'm different
from the rest of the kids?
Well, just for a little while.
But pretty soon you'll look like them
because you see,
the Orkan part of you is aging
backwards so you're getting smaller.
And the older you get,
the younger you'll look,
just like Lena Horne.
See how unique you are,
sweetheart?
I'm not unique.
I'm a freak.
Kids call me Butchie,
the dog-faced boy.
Oh, sweetheart,
don't you ever think that.
You know, on Ork,
all the kids look just like you.
And someday Daddy's
gonna take us there.
Well, why can't he
take us there now?
MINDY: Well, we can't go there now,
sweetheart,
because you live here with us
and Grandma and Grandpa.
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] And me with
these little, stupid balls on my head.
[MIMICKING
SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Why me?
Why do I have to be different?
Well, being different isn't bad.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on now,
son, look. Look at the good side.
You'll never have to do jury duty,
you'll never have a vaccination mark.
And you can do wonderful neato things
like this. Watch.
[SQUEAKING]
- No, no. Stop it. Stop it. No.
- Mork, you're scaring him.
Mearth, sweetheart, I know it's hard
for you to understand now,
but later you'll see
that you're very unique
and there's no one else like you
in the whole universe.
Yeah. We love you,
little half-and-half pint.
I don't know. This has all gotten
terribly heavy for me all of a sudden.
I have to be alone, that's all.
I have to be alone.
Okay, well, we'll be downstairs
if you need us, all right?
Okay.
Poor Mearth.
Probably harder for him to understand
than an episode of Hill Street Blues.
MINDY:
Don't.
[MORK MUMBLING]
Mind, I love it
when you wear just the hat.
[MORK GRUNTS]
Animal.
[MEOWS]
Oh. Mearth, breakfast time!
Come and get it, come on now.
- Mind! Mind, he's not there.
- What? What?
He's gone. This was on his bed.
Oh, no.
Mork, I knew we shouldn't tell him
he's an alien.
- Mearth's run away.
- Let's be calm now.
I'll go out and look for him and you stay
here in case he comes back.
- How you gonna know where to look?
- Be brave, little "pooter."
We Orkans have an incredible way
of communicating with each other.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Mearth!
Mearth!
Where the hell are you?
No one's ever gonna be able
to fill my kid's shoes.
If they had these on the Titanic,
four more people would have lived.
Oh, Mork, we've looked everywhere.
We just can't find him.
- We're gonna have to call the police.
- Oh, no way, Mind.
If they find out he's our child,
they'll lock us up.
And I'm not that eager to see
a Johnny Cash concert.
Did you find him?
- Yes and no.
- What do you mean?
The airport,
I saw him at the airport.
If he wandered in the coffee shop,
he's probably still waiting for service.
- Come on, Mind, let's go.
- No, no, no.
He's with those cult people
in the black robes.
The Utopians?
Yes, they wouldn't let me
speak to him.
A cop told me Mearth was a grown man
and could do whatever he wanted to.
Next thing I knew, they were
driving him away in a van.
Mind, come on,
let's put the pedal to the metal,
hop in the Jeep and go find Mearth.
Mork, it's not gonna be that easy.
Remember when I did that piece
on the Utopians?
Yes, and they'll brainwash people
until they'll give up everything.
Even their identities.
Oh, sounds like a cult we had
on Ork called the Rosorryians.
They try, but they can't get the stains
out of your dry cleaning.
Well, if we can't call the police,
what are we gonna do?
We're gonna take action
because nothing's gonna stop me
from finding my child,
except for one thing,
I don't know where he is.
The Utopians have a retreat up in
the mountains not too far from here.
But it's protected like a fortress
with barbed wire and guard dogs.
Sounds like it'd be easier to get
James Watt into the Sierra Club.
The only thing we can do is to try
and break him out ourselves.
Mindy, that sounds dangerous
and I'm gonna go with you.
No, Dad, you'd really be better
if you'd stay here by the phone.
He might call.
And if we're not back by midnight,
turn off the Crock-Pot.
All right, Mind, haul tush, haul tush.
BABA HOPE:
Utopians, welcome our new brother.
Baba Swell has taken his first steps
to a life of eternal devotion,
which reminds me,
our love is strong,
but candle sales, they're slipping.
Now I want everyone
to go their separate ways
and meditate on the color green.
You know something,
Baba Hope, you talk pretty.
Now, Baba Swell,
it is time for you to rid yourself
of all your worldy possessions.
Jewelry, money,
second-trust deeds?
I really don't have any of those things,
but I have Bonzo.
He's thin. That's because I stepped
on him about a half a dozen times.
- Is that all?
- Not quite.
I have a half a yo-yo.
It's a yo.
Never mind.
You go, continue training
with your love broom.
Eventually you'll get your full heart
and graduate to busboy on steak night.
I don't believe I caught your name.
My name is Baba Gentle.
I knew it.
[CHUCKLES]
Baba Gentle. Bye-bye, Bonzo.
Bye-bye, yo.
Some outsider tried to interfere with us
taking him at the airport.
To avoid any trouble, we're shipping
him out tonight to our Oregon retreat.
We have a worker convert
and we're keeping him.
Mork, come on. I'm in.
MORK: I can't, Mind, I've got my hem
caught in a sprinkler head.
[FABRIC RIPS]
MORK:
Ow!
Why couldn't we have gotten those
designer robes with the slit up the side?
MINDY:
Shh!
Let's just find Mearth
and get out of here.
You check up the stairs
and I'll look through here.
Mind, Mind. I've got a better idea.
You check down here
and I'll hide under your robe.
I'm just as scared as you are,
but we gotta think about Mearth.
- Right. Who?
- Somebody's coming. Shh.
[HUMS]
So that's what happened
to our old anchorman.
Let's get these robes back or there's
gonna be one judge looking real casual.
BABA GENTLE:
You sweep up in here.
I will go feed the love attack dogs.
Goody, goody, Baba Gentle.
And say hello to Baba Bow-wow
for me, will you?
Mearth, don't scream, it's us.
Mommy and Daddy,
I'm not Mearth anymore.
No, I'm Baba Swell.
Everybody here loves me.
I went out to the airport, you see,
to try to get some flights to Ork.
There were no flights.
Who came along
but the Babas to save me.
They were good to me.
This place is like Utopia,
you understand, except the food.
Ugh.
All right, sweetheart,
Mommy knows all about this place
and it's not what you think.
Come on, we're taking you home.
I can't, I can't. I can't go. I can't.
You see, I'm Baba's love child.
Oh, no, Mork. They've gotten to him.
What will we do?
It's all right, Mind.
I can deprogram him.
So Baba Love loves you, huh?
Well, where was Baba Love
when you had that cold, huh? Hmm?
Did Baba Love take you to the park
and teach you
how to eat string cheese
and, enh, like that?
- No.
- Shh. Come on, it's time to go now.
I can't. I want you meet my friends.
Wait, wait,
I want you to meet my friends.
MINDY: No, we can't.
MORK: Mearth, Mearth!
- What's going on here?
- Anybody order a Zen pizza?
He was trying to take me home
and I just…
Outsiders. Seize them!
Easy, easy, please,
be gentle with them, be gentle.
- Let go!
- Ow!
Is this the way you treat emissaries
of Baba Love?
If you're emissaries, why are
your robes different from ours?
Well, these are our away uniforms.
This is an outrage! We bring you
a special message from Baba Love.
Yes, yes, ditto.
Children, perhaps this is the dental
plan we've all been chanting for.
- What is it?
- What is it?
Yes. Tell them what it is, Baba Loo.
Thank you, thank you, Baba Pooter.
[IN INDIAN ACCENT]
Baba Love sends his love
and so does his brother Bubba,
who plays for the Green Bay Packers.
You know, Baba Love not only sends
his love because Baba Love is love.
Score now, love-love.
I want to talk about love
just for a moment.
We know that love is a wonderful
thing. It is a powerful thing.
And sometimes it is misspelled
by girls dancing
at Grateful Dead concerts,
going "Love, look it love."
We know… We know that this can
be a meaningful experience.
But love is no substitute
for recreation.
What Baba Love wants to plan
for the 80s is a new concept:
Play!
Yes, let's put the fun back
in fundamentalism.
You know what I'm saying?
Because now, we're going to have
the first annual
Baba Love Scavenger Hunt!
[CHEERING]
They're lying!
Utopians don't go
on scavenger hunts.
You dare doubt the word
of Baba Love?
Oh, make two lines now.
Let's put together
a little human car wash.
Okay, ladies, there we are.
We must decide what we are going
to look for on our scavenger hunt.
Okay? Here's a list of things
we'll all be looking for.
Number one, one burning
or badly-charred bush.
One… Also, one partially hidden truth,
some new or used karma,
anything else you can find,
one copy of The Prophet
autographed by Shaun Cassidy,
uh, one pair of Naugahyde
women's panties.
Now, first couple back wins
a dinner for two
at Baba Love's House
of Prayer and Ribs.
So good luck, happy hunting
and be here now, if not, get there later.
Don't move!
Whoa. You're really generating
some negative energy here.
I think what you need is a sign
from Baba Love.
[SQUEAKING]
BABA HOPE:
Whoa!
Heh.
You got it.
All you Baba's,
A through M, follow me.
The rest are on your own.
MINDY: Wait a minute, Mearth.
- I'm going on a scavenger hunt.
MORK:
Bup-bup-bup.
Mearth, we just wanna talk to you
for a minute.
But I wanna catch up with them.
I don't wanna be left behind.
Mearth, Mearth,
why did you run away?
Well, because I was an alien.
The kids wouldn't play with me
and I finally…
I finally found a place
where everybody was the same.
So you wanna be
just like everybody else, huh?
Well, Mearth,
that's an easy thing to do.
That's very safe.
But being different,
well, that takes a lot of courage.
All right, you can stay here
and never have to think,
or make a decision for yourself.
Or you can go out
and go to the real world
and have joyous confrontations
with hypocrisy,
violence, nuclear holocaust,
and over-bearing sales people.
Yes, Daddy's right.
There are a lot of bad things,
but mostly there's good in the world.
Oh, please come home, Mearth.
No one could ever love you
as much as us.
We love you for who you are.
- That's right.
- Yes, but who am I?
You're Mearth McConnell, our son.
You want me to come home?
For sure?
- Yes.
- Okay, can I keep the robe?
- Yes.
- Can I go on the scavenger hunt?
- No.
- No.
Just testing.
Bye-bye, broom.
MEARTH: Boy, it's sure good to be
back in my little warm egg again.
Good night, sweetheart.
And remember, if you ever
have problems, you can come to us.
You don't have to run away.
We're your family.
Thank you, Mommy.
Good night, son.
Oh.
[MINDY CHUCKLES]
Oh.
MINDY: Go to sleep.
- I will.
Oh, Mork, it's so nice
to have him back.
And it's great to be a family again.
Oh, Mind, it's so nice now
that he knows he's an alien too.
Think of all the wonderful things
I can teach him.
I mean, teach him to sit on his face,
drink with his finger,
the old Orkan songs.
[SINGING IN ORKAN]
Mommy hates to be a killjoy,
but it's too late for Orkan stereo.
Good night, Mearth. Big kiss.
Why'd you cut us off, Mind? There
was a part for you in the musical.
[SQUEAKING]
MORK:
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in,
O Pudgy Potentate.
ORSON:
Mork, is that who I think it is?
Oh, yes, sir, it's the universe's one
and only Mearth McConnell.
Sir, it's been a very difficult week
for Mearth
because Mindy and I had to try and
explain the truth about his heritage.
ORSON:
He must have been devastated
to find out he was half-Earthling.
Oh, no, sir, au contraire,
it's the other way around, you see.
Finally he learned to accept
his birthright and his heritage
and the fact he can't order
off the children's menu.
ORSON: Very commendable, Mork.
- Thank you, sir.
ORSON: Now, let me say na-no
to the little fellow.
Oh, certainement, sir.
Mearth, come down here and say hello
to your godfather, the big O.
Na-no, sir.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
ORSON:
Na-no, Mearth.
I see you make up in manners
what your father lacks.
You better believe it, Fatso.
ORSON:
What?
Pardon me, sir. It's nap time.
We'd better be running along.
Until next week, Thunder Thighs,
Mork and Mearth signing off.
Na-no.
Na-no.
- Fatso?
- I called that guy…
[CHUCKLING]